Thanks for the support and kind words on my last post. The issue was resolved to my satisfaction and I am not longer super stressed when I meet with that class. I did end up talking with them about the panic attack, briefly, and we also talked about how quickly you can lose control of a video once you’ve sent it to someone else.
The last few weeks have been… okay. Some days I feel almost good and others I feel I’m staring down a long tunnel with no light at the end of it. I know there is a light at the end of it, but I can’t see it yet. (On the days when I feel almost good, I’m not bothered by the lack of light at the end of the tunnel – I’m pretty sure hormone fluctuations are the only difference).
As far as living my life, I’m still hitting that wall. Everything feels harder than it used to. I’m struggling to stay on top of my planning, prepping and grading. I’m struggling to show up with the energy and enthusiasm required to keep students engaged enough to get the work done. I’m just… struggling. Even on the good days I am struggling.
And everyone else in my life is struggling too. My husband is miserable. My kids have more meltdowns every day. It’s harder and harder to get them to stay on a zoom call or finish an online assignment. My students at school are struggling too. Significantly more students are getting Fs this trimester, and their weekly emotional check ins show how distressed and unhappy they are. We’re coming up on a full year of this and everyone I know is struggling. Everyone is miserable, and they will be miserable until something changes. And right now, nothing will change for us for a long, long time.
I’m also realizing that my life, the locked down quarantine life, is not being lived by a LOT of people. I always knew different areas, and people in those areas, were handling this differently, but I don’t think I quite realized how differently, and for how long. I have to say, the more I hear about other people’s lives, where their kids go to school in person and they still have a cleaning service come, and they still play sports and attend organized activities… the harder it is for me look down the barrel of so many months more of this isolation and sadness. I don’t even have faith my kids will be back in their classrooms in the fall, and other people’s kids have been there this whole year.
It must be nice to have some semblance of the life you used to live. It must be nice to feel like things are getting better.
I have to say, when I thought everyone was sacrificing together it made it easier for me to make those sacrifices myself. But now, it’s not so easy anymore. I guess I just wish we had more options, but we don’t. California is still so locked down, even as we come out of the winter shelter-in-place orders. And now that we are coming out of the shelter-in-place orders our numbers will stay so high that school districts won’t go back and our kids will be stuck at home for the second half of the school year. It’s a fucking travesty and California should be ashamed. We have the FIFTH LARGEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD and the vast majority of our public school students will not see the inside of a classroom this school year, they won’t see the inside of a classroom for FIFTEEN MONTHS. Maybe longer.
But what can we do except keep on keeping on. Every day we get through it and then we wake up to get through another day. While other people are living their lives, or some semblance of their lives, we’re still stuck in this groundhog day of isolation and sadness. And yes, with vaccinations things will get better, but it’s going to be a slow, slow march to better. So, so slow. It’s hard to remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you you’ve been in the dark so long you can’t even see a pinprick of its presence.
Do you feel like your still stuck in quarantine while other people are getting on with their lives? Are you hitting a wall?
I definitely think this is one of those cases were your experience is heavily influenced by where you live (region of the country, population density of your area, the weather in your area, etc). It was HARD last spring everywhere during the initial lockdowns and unknowns, and there are still a lot of challenges where I live regards to the population being very 50/50 split ideologically on mask wearing adherence, etc.
However, you’re right that things are fairly “normal” here, and I feel bad for my friends like you whose mental health is tanked right now whose outlooks are very much grimmer than my own. People are definitely still struggling here to some degree, but nothing like what I’ve heard from my friends in the urban coastal areas.
For example, today is my daughter’s first day of remote learning this entire school year! Our schools have been in-person learning full time since late August, and I believe hers is the 3rd class to have to quarantine for 10 days (all 3x because a teacher or aide in the classroom tested positive). No serious cases, no community spread between students, everyone wears masks at all times except when they eat lunch (at their individual desks in their classrooms). We have to do remote learning all week, but I know that’s a massive blessing compared to situations like your own.
I do have to say that Colorado has also done an awesome job of vaccinating people. I get my second shot tomorrow, our county is giving out every shot it receives within days of it arriving, etc. We don’t have enough by any means, but they’re getting in arms as soon as they get here. Last I heard I believe it was 15% of the county has been vaccinated through public health, and when you take out the kids who aren’t eligible and add in the adults who have gone to area pharmacies to get the vaccine, that number goes up even higher. Our case rates have been steadily dropping for 3 months with just a slight uptick after NYE, our death rates have been steadily decreasing for 2 full months, our teachers get the vaccine starting next week, and there really does feel like a light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t say any of this to rub it in your face, but to give you hope that at least areas of our county ARE figuring it out, and California is bound to get it together sooner than later as well!
Yes, wall slammed.
Cannot write more without getting negative.
Sending you support. Hoping you can get outdoors with children and husband. Hoping your parents, IF old enough to qualify, are able to get vaccines. And then continue with precautions.
Stay safe, double mask and we will come through to the other side.
THANK YOU for writing. Helps.
YES, and I just wrote about it yesterday!
https://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.com/2021/01/of-covid-coffee.html
I really related to this post!
Thank you!
You know what, some people are doing whatever the eff they want, but so many others ARE sacrificing, you just don’t see them because they are sacrificing. I was talking about this with some work friends, and they are doing the same things we are. It IS hard, but you will get through this. Hang in there, girl.
To JJ, Loribeth, Omdg ~ Thank you for sharing your wisdom and help. I am choosing to honor my values and principles about public health and other people. Sometimes I forget that and only feel the constrictions and restrictions. ALL of you have reminded me of this important point and it brought a sense of peace and calm back into my evening. Much appreciation.
It’s not just you. I’ve been smushed between these bricks on this wall for so long I have to actually remind myself that it feels bad for a reason. I will need to be psychically peeled off it when things shift.
Day to day we’re still highly isolated. I spent the first half of my adult life living with long term terrible circumstances, as far as family life, so even though our restriction does get to me, the day to day with THIS family is far less horrible than my teens and 20s. I had panic or anxiety attacks back then and didn’t know what they were. I just assumed I was dying and hoped I was right. Now at least I feel safe in my home and my anxiety and anger and fear is directed outward at the earlier administration’s incompetence and the rest of society that flaunts how much they don’t care about anyone but themselves.
But we can do this.
Yes, I completely agree this makes it harder. I keep hearing people say they make a careful risk determination based on what’s important to them and we all have to figure out how to live WITH this disease. But I live in a super liberal county with a incredibly strong teachers union in a state with a GOP governor and the result is no school, no prospect of school any time soon. But bars and indoor dining is available through much of the state. A family member has flown out of state for vacation with young children who don’t wear masks. This is crazy
I keep thinking about this post and it is really hitting me how hard it must be to be a teacher in this era. Virtual learning is horrible (my kids behavior is also indicative of their declining mental health as the pandemic goes on) but in case this helps even a little I wanted to say I don’t blame teachers for ANY of this. It’s got to be SO hard for teachers right now. My daughter is doing virtual kindergarten and it’s a mess a lot of the time. At the same time I’m in complete awe the way her teacher keeps her cool and keeps on improving every single day. I can see behavior deteriorating across the entire classroom and this saint of a woman constantly keeps her corrections kind and finds things to praise every day. I have told her how much I appreciate her and I hope your families do the same for you. Just wanted to make sure my previous comment about how much we dislike virtual school doesn’t appear to blame the teachers who are trying super hard, as you clearly are. Thanks for being so honest, I hope it gets better for all of us.
Hey if it makes you feel any better, we’re not locked down here but I’m almost out of the box of sympathy cards I bought last March because so many people have been dying. Most of my cards have been regarding people in their 50s and 60s too with no clear prexisting conditions. We have been in a purple zone since before they invented the idea of a purple zone. Freedom and death and us going double masked and not going out unless we absolutely because it is too dangerous, regardless of whether or not we care about other people. Because not enough other people care or even believe.
I realize this is a contrarian viewpoint, but I actually enjoy hearing about people living normal-ish lives. It makes me feel smug about my own choices to maintain very strict isolation for me and my family. I realize that my attitude isn’t exactly the norm, though…
My son is actually in school right now although nothing feels normal! I’m working from home, we delayed preschool for the toddler, activities are cancelled, and we only ever see anyone outside and in masks. I have done outdoor dining twice (one place felt very safe and spread out and the other place less so) but I wouldn’t consider doing it with anyone outside of my household. I can’t say I’m jealous of the people who are going on trips, having play dates indoors, eating at restaurants with other couples, and generally gathering indoors/maskless because I really don’t think they are making good choices! It’s more that I resent them for not doing their part while everyone else stays home to ensure their safety. I’m sure if my older son wasn’t in school I would feel differently about everything although zoom school wasn’t too terrible. Things have gotten better here and I’m worried that the recent loosening of restrictions will signal that we are out of the woods (which we aren’t!!!) and people will behave recklessly. On the other hand, if things are totally locked down then maybe people will have dinner parties instead of going to a restaurant outdoors so I just don’t know! I really wish people wouldn’t eat within six feet of people not in their household. I get so angry when I see big groups at a restaurant. I know it’s impossible to enforce but it enrages me.
By the way, I know a lot of people who have a cleaning service come and they arrange to be out of the house at that time — grandparents’ backyard, hikes, running errands, etc. Not sure if you can get a weekend slot but maybe worth exploring.
Yes, this. I didn’t have anyone come from March to August but added it back for my mental health. I have someone come once a month on a Saturday and my family goes to the park to have a picnic and ride bikes. Coming home to a clean house is e-v-e-r-y-thing right now.
As I read my friend’s posts in North America and Europe, it continually amazes me that you guys are managing to function at all. I can only imagine what it is like, the stress you feel, and the toll it is taking (beyond the obvious of illness and death), every day. I also find it hard to understand those who are living “normal” lives and putting themselves and everyone else they come in contact with at risk.
So all I can do is send love, and hope the end is in sight for you.