I’m struggling right now. Everything is carnival, carnival, carnival.
There are some other things too, but they aren’t great. I’m doing a shit job at work (and home, frankly) because I’m so distracted. My house is teeming with carnival supplies; towers of game and prize tickets, bag of prizes, boxes of supplies. There is a bucket dunk tank sitting on the back of my bike in the entry way. (My daughter’s school is shut down for spring break this week so I can’t move anything to their storage space.) I got some shitty news at work about next year. I’m just… tired.
It feels like I’m fighting all these uphill battles, and I wonder what is the point?
And then I think of how hopeless people with real problems must feel, people trying to claw their way out of generational poverty, people worried about ICE showing up at their door and tearing their family apart (my daughter’s school has had three information meetings about that this year – our school community is terrified), people worried about their children being shot by the people entrusted by our society to protect them.
I know my problems aren’t real. I need to put things in perspective, but mostly creating that “perspective” just makes me more depressed.
I’m just in a shitty place, mentally. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. I’m trying to adopt that mindset of doing my best work and accepting the outcome. But the thought of having gathered $5000 in raffle prizes when we’ll be lucky to sell $2500 in tickets is just depressing. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Like I’m missing something obvious. Like it’s my fault that we’ll fail.
I’m just done and there are still a lot of miles to run in this marathon. I hope I make it to the finish line.
Sorry re work news being bad. Hope still employed. Guessing still two sites and no classroom and perhaps no late am first class.
Hang on right now and plan how you can reduce commitments for next school year. This level is stress does not sound sustainable or repeatable.
Knowing other people have other problems that you are glad are not yours is sane but not a changer of your problems so do not beat yourself up just because some people have worse problems
Thinking of you daily and hoping you are finding some joy each day.
Planning a carnival sounds horrible to me. I hope you feel very relieved when it’s done. I think it’s important to be grateful for what you have, but I don’t think it needs to take the form “other people have it worse.” Does that really make you feel better when your stressed and overwhelmed? Does it even make you feel grateful? It wouldn’t make me feel grateful. Feel overwhelmed and frustrated and separately from that, also practice gratitude.
Sending you love and support.