Necessary Software Updates

After a valiant effort to keep my head above water this past week, I can feel myself slipping. I have to get serious now about actively keeping myself out of a depressive state.

I go there so easily. It’s my mind’s default setting. I have had to rig up some intense software to run a relatively content mood on the bullshit hardware that is my brain. I have to run my exercise program, or everything else goes to shit. I have to reboot my stay-focused-on-what-you-can-control mindset at least every hour. And I’m force quitting my, “everything’s horrible and hopeless, this is literally the end” self-talk constantly. I’ve even reinstalled my 15-minute-day-meditation commitment, because I know I need to up my self-care software game.

I’ve been quite impressed by the “recognizing and staving off panic attacks” update that was evidently part of my latest operating system upgrade. I guess I have learned something in the past ten years.

But even as I remain vigilant about self-care, and engage in the behaviors I know can help me stay out of a serious depression, I can feel myself slipping. The reality is just so awful, I can’t get out from under the weight of it.

I know part of the problem is keeping abreast of the latest news. The more I read about Pence and Bannon and what hateful excuses for human beings they are, the deeper I sink. The more I hear about the police state that will have to be created to deport 2-3 million undocumented immigrants, the harder I cry. It’s all bad. Every single piece of it.

Part of me thinks I should take a play out of my husband’s book and stick my head in the sand. Maybe in a few weeks I will be in a more stable place and can process this all without spiraling downward.

But then I argue that I have to stay informed. Ignorance never helped anybody.

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve contemplated instituting a one-article a day rule. Or maybe even subscribing to The Week again, so I will get the most important information in compact articles delivered on Frirday. Would that be a good compromise?

Maybe I can write myself some new software, to process all these hopeless feelings of despair, without falling into a serious depression.

I’m not really sure how to do it. I suppose it’s something we’re all figuring out right now. I’m just worried that if I don’t figure it out soon, I’ll end up slipping so far into that pit of depression and despair that I’ll wake up one day to the black crash-screen of death, and that no software update will be able to reboot me.

3 Comments

  1. I took a Facebook break, don’t look at news, and we don’t have cable. That worked for me since the election ;). I would be in a pretty sorry state otherwise.

  2. I advocate sticking your head in the sand for at least a few days and pay attention to how you feel during that time.

    There’s nothing you can do about the outcome of these decisions.

    Each person’s most important job is self care first.

    You’re worth it.

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