This is my twelfth time starting a new school year. I’m sure it’s easier than it was in the early years, but with all the requirements from home it doesn’t feel that much easier.
I definitely don’t feel nervous about welcoming the kids tomorrow, or filling the time in my five classes. I’m not even nervous about Back to School Night. (Yes, it’s on the first day of school. Yes it’s crazy.) But there is this undercurrent of stress, this clenching of teeth, this erupting over minor disturbances, these tears falling semi-regularly.
It’s just a lot. A lot starting my daughter in Kindergarten. A lot attempting this diet. A lot starting a new school year. A lot dealing with in-laws who are taking care of our son again (only until he’s two and can start at preschool/daycare–thank god!) A lot trying not to destroy my marriage (I’ve come close).
It’s just a lot. My house looks like a hurricane hit it. The laundry is piling up. I haven’t figured out yet when anything is going to get done. I wake up at 6am, spend 90 minutes getting my daughter (and myself) ready for school. I high tail it to work at peak commuting time. I try to get more done at work than fits in the hours because I can’t stay later, even when I need to. I watch the clock until it’s time to go, pick up my daughter from after care before meeting my in-laws with my son at home (yes we are so lucky that they drive him home–did I mention it’s only two months until my son can start daycare? Help from family is always a double edged sword). Then it’s trying to make dinner while my kids attempt to brutalize each other. And then trying to get them to eat dinner without making myself crazy. And then counting the hour and a half until bedtime.
I never see my son. I miss my son.
It feels like there are no moments for me. And it’s exhausting. I’m not sure yet when I’ll exercise, let alone pick up the living room or fold laundry.
It’s a long day, for all of us. I’m sure we’ll find a rhythm. I’m sure it will be okay. But right now, it feels overwhelming.
It turns out I struggle as much with transitions as my daughter does. I just want to fast forward a month, when everything feels more manageable. The in between time will feel looooong, and be rough.