I’m feeling rather ornery this morning, which is not the way I wanted to start the weekend. It’s cloudy all over the Bay Area so we’re going to miss the eclipse, which is a bummer. Otherwise, I’m kinda here for the dark, cool morning. I’m not interested in going outside right now. I need to cocoon.
October just keeps on coming. I realized I haven’t taken my Halloween leggings out and it’s already half way over! I was thinking about having to order my son’s final birthday present and thought to myself, you’re fine, you have two weeks. But I only have one week.His birthday is one week from tomorrow. His final present will be arriving late.
My husband has been sick since we got back (it’s not Covid, which he just had in June), but he’s been down for the count which means everything has been falling to me. I’m tired and sick of being the person who makes sure it gets done. And when I feel overwhelmed, I’m tired of trying to get into a positive mindset of “how can *I* change what I do/my expectations to make this work. Much of what doesn’t work in my life is the result of systematic bullshit that I’m tired of being tasked with fixing. Some capitalistic, patriarchal bullshit is what it is.
But it’s all I got, so I think I’m gearing up for a giant purge. Which honestly we need badly and I’m excited to finally have the resolve to get it done. I’m not sure what the tipping point has been, but I am ready to just get rid of a bunch of shit. I think today I will tackle the mantel and its bookcases. So many books we don’t need in there. And the 3-D printer is going to a new home too.
Things will be fine. The fall has been one thing after another and I saw it coming hard and fast and I knew it would feel like struggling to get a full breath while being pulled into the rapids. And that is what it has felt like. But parts of it have been energizing and exhilarating, and I have taken advantage of calmer moments where I could just float down the river on my back, before being swept into the next rapid.
On Monday I’m seeing a sports medicine doctor for the leg pain I’ve been experiencing since January of 2022. I had to search my emails to confirm that was the date (a series of desperate chiropractic appointments). 18+ months is a long time to have this problem. I really hope they can help me resolve it. I first looked in my archives here to see if I’d mentioned it, but I hadn’t. I can confirm that things didn’t feel great during the winter of 2021-22. I’m glad I’m not living that right now.
But of course, things aren’t feeling great now either. The headlines are horrifying and pull my brain in despondent directions. It’s hard to concentrate, and not feel overwhelmed.
I really need this weekend to get me back to an even keel, so I’m going to try to lean into a few things: seeing friends tonight, getting caught up on grading at work, cleaning up the house a bit, purging some books, listening to my new audiobook, which provides a great escape from my thoughts.
I really do need to get started on my Saturday morning chores…
