I’m having an allergic reaction to the adhesive on a bandaid I had on my knuckles and it’s really bothering me. My right had is kind of a mess and I just want to go to bed. So I’m going to do that.
Good night.
Let’s Glow SF
Last night my husband and daughter met my son and I downtown (after the party at the dojo) to check out the Let’s Glow SF installations. There were four different shows projected on four different buildings downtown and we went to all of them. It was a really fun time.
The shape of each building really affected each show. I was impressed.
This one, at 555 California, felt like it was trying a little too hard, but we still enjoyed it.
The show on the Pacific Stock Exchange was really cool. They really used the columns to create interesting effects.
We missed part of the show at 1 Bush because a BART train was coming in 4 minutes or 30 minutes and it was already pretty late.
The Let’s Glow SF installations ended tonight, but it was pouring rain all evening so I’m assuming they didn’t even do them. I’m really glad we got to see them before they stopped. It’s nice to take advantage of living in the city.
Super Stoked!
I like holiday wear. I have a couple of Christmas shirts, a Fleece Navidad (with a lamb wearing a Santa hat) sweater and a Winter is Coming sweatshirt that I pull out after Thanksgiving every year. I also love loud leggings. I have quite a few crazy leggings that I wear pretty much all year round.
Today my son and I are attending the year-end party at the dojo and when he came out in his Christmas shirt I suddenly wanted very much to wear Christmas leggings under the simple black sweater dress I was going to wear. I texted my friends and asked if anyone had a pair I could borrow but they said no. I briefly looked online, but the cute light leggings I saw wouldn’t arrive before Christmas. I realized I wasn’t going to find leggings for today, but promised myself I would look later online for a pair that I could wear to work this coming week.
Then my son and I stopped by the dollar store on the way to the library and my son immediately pointed out a bin full of… drum roll please… holiday leggings!!! $3 holiday leggings!
At first I could only find 2XL and 3XL sized leggings but then I found the rack with S/M and M/L. I found a pair of S/M in each of the prints they had. I even found two pairs of cute Halloween leggings in my size! I got five pairs of leggings and a cute sweatshirt for my daughter, all for $18!
As I was walking home I started wondering what the chances were that these were actual leggings, that would fit right. Maybe they are weirdly capri leggings that no one wants because who can wear capris at Christmas? Or maybe even the S/Ms were really big. But when I got home and tried the first pair on, I was astonished to find that they are, in fact, real leggings, that come in the expected sizes! And they are so soft! I bet this pair is exactly the ones I wanted to order online!
I swear I feel like I won the lottery. I wanted a couple pairs of Christmas leggings, I couldn’t find any I loved online, then I walked by the dollar store and there was a giant bin full of them! And now I’m wearing these to the party today!
Talk about serendipity! I’m so super stoked! (And yes I realize I’m a weirdo for being so super stoked about this, but I am!)
Chilly
It’s been chilly around these parts. I want to use the word “cold,” but I know that isn’t accurate since it never drops below 40* here. And yet, 52* feels cold for this wimpy ass Bay Area native.
It’s 5:50am and I’ve been up for an hour because it was freaking cold in our unit and I couldn’t sleep. At 5am the heat upstairs kicked on. We keep the thermostat at 58* at night because the kids can stay warm enough in their beds even if it’s really cold. 58* is low enough that the heat almost never kicks on before the thermostat changes to 63* at 7am. When I heard it rumbling at 5am I knew it was legitimately cold out.
The wall heater in our downstairs unit it broken and it gets COLD down there. We should probably get it fixed but it’s hard to commit to spending what will surely be many hundreds of dollars on a heater we’ll actually NEED only a few times a year. We do have some space heaters and it’s probably time to pull those out, but I hate to use the electricity to run them.
At school we have to keep our windows and doors open and lately that has been quite unpleasant for the kids. The heater is blowing all day but it’s still cold when the wind is blowing across the back of the classroom between the two open doors. Luckily I have flexible, free seating so kids can move themselves when they want to. It’s weird how willing they are to bitch about the cold and yet how unwilling they are to move to a different seat (or just dress more appropriately!) Just kidding. That’s not weird for middle schoolers at all. (Sigh.)
This whole keeping-the-windows-and-doors-open-and-blasting-the-heaters-all-winter feels like a very unproductive policy. It seems like just upgrading our HVAC systems would make more sense. But that requires more money up front and god knows public schools don’t have that.
They were talking big talk about how they had someone coming out to look at the HVAC systems so that we’d be safe inside with doors and windows closed once fire season ramped up and our air quality got dangerous. But the atmospheric river that came through in early fall put an end to fire season early and we never ended up having any high AQI days. We never heard anything else about the HVAC renovations after that.
Evidently another atmospheric river will be coming through next week. Should make for an interesting couple of days. Besides that big dump we got in early fall we’ve had almost no rain and we’re still technically in a severe drought. I hope we start getting more consistent rain this winter. Huge drops of double digit inches and then nothing for months is obviously not sustainable.
Well it’s 6:07am and technically I should be up getting ready. Also the heat, which I turned to 60* when I came upstairs, went off so this spot on the floor in front of the vent is no longer as appealing.
Happy Friday everyone! Stay warm!
Feeling Human Again
Yesterday way ROUGH. I really struggled to get through it. But I was in bed by 9pm and got around nine hours of sleep and felt SO MUCH BETTER today. Today I felt human again.
Human, and in possession of the brain space required to get some shit done. It seems that in the absence of constant martial-arts-related-thoughts, all sorts of work shit has rushed in. I have to get a lot done in the next week. And then I have to figure out what I’m doing when I get back from the break. I really pushed a lot of my work stuff to the margins last week and I have some catch up to do. But it’s okay because now I have the time, and mental space, to do it.
I can’t believe there is only one more week of school before the break. And a little over two weeks before Christmas. That is crazy. I was so wrapped up in test prep that the beginning of December flew by. I really want to savor the next two weeks.
And sadly that means putting the kibosh on this post. Hopefully I can write more tomorrow.
I think my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is down
I have been trying to figure out why I was so stressed about yesterday’s belt test. I’ve certainly been stressed about belt tests before, and this was the first one I’ve done on a weekday night, which added to the stress of just getting through it. I anticipated being totally out of my mind exhausted by the time was over, and wasn’t a feeling to look forward to. But I’ve put myself through way worse, so why was the test getting to me so much?
And today I’m tired in ways I haven’t been in a long while. The test ran late. REALLY late. We didn’t bow out until 10pm, which meant I wasn’t at the bus stop until 10:15pm. Then I had to get home, move the elf, shower, and prep a few things before bed. By 11:30pm I was laying down but I could not fall asleep. I played Solitaire on my phone for a while, tried to sleep, returned to Solitaire, returned to attempted sleep… I did this for a long time. I fell asleep at one point (I think around 1am) but when I woke up at 3:30am I couldn’t fall back asleep again. It was a rough night. And today I feel a little delirious I’m so tired. You know how they say, I’m so tired I can’t see straight? That’s a real thing. I’m very much struggling to just focus my eyes on what’s in front of me today.
But again, I used to put myself through way worse. When my son was an infant I woke up multiple times every night to feed him, then got up for work at 5am so I could start teaching at 7am. It was an insane schedule, and I managed it for a year. This was one night and I feel physically ill.
I guess my tolerance for stress and exhaustion is just way down. I know part of it is the past two years, which have done a number on my mental and emotional fortitude. But I’m also getting older. And as I’ve done a better job of limiting my commitments, I find I’m less tolerant of the stress and exhaustion that comes from being over scheduled. And while there is a part of me that appreciates how much progress I’ve made on culling my commitments, another part of me is less thrilled at these new limitations. My ability to just get it all done, no matter what, was a point of pride. I’ll have to find new things to be proud of if I can’t just get it done anymore.
But I did get the test done. It was really hard, both mentally and physically and I’m proud of how I performed. There aren’t a lot of higher belts that are 40+ and none of them have kids at home. I was being thrown to the ground at 9:30pm last night, and now I’m at work teaching middle school students (well I will be as soon as my prep period is over). I can still manage a fair amount, I guess I just can’t push past my limits and remain standing like I used to.
I’m not attending the professional development I’m supposed to go to this afternoon. I’m putting in for the hours and taking the time off. I normally wouldn’t have done something like that, but at this point I know it’s the right move. I won’t get anything out of attending (I’ll be way to tired at that point), but if i can rest before the afternoon I might be able to parent my children, which my husband really needs to me to do tonight.
So yeah, just some thoughts on new tolerance levels. Apologies if this post makes no sense. As I mentioned, I’m really tired…
I did it!
I did it! It’s done! It’s 10:15pm and I’m on the bus home. We didn’t break boards, but the test is over. It’s finally that moment I’ve been waiting for.
It’s finally done.
A picture is worth a thousand words
A picture is worth a thousand words which is good because I got no words left to give today. Instead, here are some pictures from our walk in the Botanical Gardens two weeks ago.
Ah man, I didn’t actually post this last night! Oh well, I’ll put it up now. And hopefully I’ll post again today. It’s fitting that this test is the thing that derailed my daily posting. Blerg.
48 Hours
This weekend was a nice 48 hours. The kids got their second shots on Saturday afternoon , and felt fine through Sunday. We watched some new episodes of Craig of the Creek (the third season just arrived on HBO Max) and went to bed early.
This morning I got some work done while the kids played video games. Then we played an great game of The Floor is Lava that we invented. It was super fun.
After our game, I made two weeks worth of pumpkin pancakes while the kids prepped their lunches.
This afternoon my daughter went to a birthday party downtown and my son went to his grandparents’ house. While they were gone, my husband and I talked finances, and upped our kids’ 529 contributions. We also finalized the Christmas present lists and worked out. I also spent over an hour in the backyard reviewing forms for my belt test. At this point I think I’m pretty much prepped out. I need to write my own personal one steps but after that I’m going to have to call it. My brain just can’t handle any more.
And in 48 hours it will be over. The test starts at 5:30pm on Tuesday and is supposed to be done by 8pm but will probably go much later. I’m just hoping we’ll be done by 9pm. It’s going to be a LOOONG night.
But then it will be over! I’m trying to focus on how good I’m going to feel when it’s over. So, so good.
Reframing my mindset
I’m about to spend 3+ hours at the dojo in anticipation of my test on Tuesday. I’m feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions about this martial arts test, and the incredible amount of time I’ve needed to put in to prepare for it.
I say I’m feeling conflicting emotions, but honestly I’m not really sure what they even are. When I think about the test I feel (I think?) anxiety, frustration, dread, the anticipation of relief (when it’s over). I’m worried I don’t know the curriculum well enough. Actually I’m sure I don’t know it well enough for my own liking, but I had to ask permission to test and I told that I should, so… I should feel fine about it right? The master of my dojo, who has seen me at the prep classes, says I should test, so why do I feel unprepared? What am I worried about happening? Do I not want to embarrass myself? I don’t think it’s that. We have a tight knit community at the dojo and the two women I’m testing with are very nice. We’ve been working together for months to get ready. They would never judge me for a mistake. Which means the pressure I’m putting on myself to know the material is internal.
I do know that the test is going to be hard, mentally more so than physically. I’m honestly worried I’m going to cry at this test, out of mental exhaustion. I haven’t tested in two years and this is my first higher belt test, which includes all kinds of curriculum that are not included on previous tests. So I don’t really know what to expect. It’s also on a week day evening, and I have specifically avoided weekday evening tests because the idea of putting myself through the grueling process AFTER a work day seems pretty awful. But the women I’ve been training with have to test on a weekday (they work in the service industry and aren’t available on Saturdays), so I decided the prospect of testing alone on a Saturday (we are the last green belts) was even less desirable than testing with them on a Tuesday.
So I guess what is really freaking me out about all of this are the unknowns. I haven’t tested in a LONG time. A lot has happened to me (and the world) since I last tested. I have NEVER tested at this level before. I have never tested on a weekday evening before. I don’t know what to expect and I don’t know how I’m going to respond to all these unknowns. I do know that there will be moments of acute unpleasantness. I do know its going to be really hard.
And now I get to spend three hours of my Saturday totally immersed in all of it. I’m trying to reframe my mindset about all of it, about today and Tuesday. If I go into it feeling dread, the hours will be awful. But if I got into it with curiosity things might turn out differently. I keep countering thoughts of “I don’t want to do this!” with thoughts like, I wonder what this will be like? or I wonder what I’ll learn today?
These are the questions I’m asking myself, while I try to answer the questions, Why am I doing this to myself? Which means I also have to answer the question, Why am I studying martial arts at all?
I’ll let you know when I’ve come up with some answers…
What are you doing these days that feels hard? How do you reframe your mindset?