Sorry for the absence from this space. Things have been hectic and at the end of the day I just don’t feel like writing much.
The reality is I’m kind of struggling right now and I don’t write much anymore when I’m struggling. I’ve learned not to put myself out there in certain ways–my words have been used against me too many times, even by people who claim to understand that this space is mine and that what is said here does not represent who I am. I just don’t feel comfortable writing some things, and that is probably for the best.
My daughter’s first day of Kindergarten was… challenging. She got sick the day before and was running a fever of 101. I was heartsick because I know how important the first day, especially for a kid who gets herself worked up into an emotional mess before big transitions. So the next morning when she woke up with a hellacious cough and a continued fever I dumped a bunch of acetaminophen down her throat and sent her off even though she felt like shit. Once it was clear I wasn’t going to accept the “I’m sick” excuse she started crying that she was “really nervous.” Obviously she had a cold, but I wonder if some of the fever wasn’t a result of her emotional turmoil. She has missed two of her own birthday celebrations (they had to be cancelled) because she got sick the night before. I think she may be the kind of kid that works herself up so much she has a physical reaction. (I used to be like that.)
She was in much better shape when I picked her up. She said she loved Kindergarten and that her teacher is super nice.
It’s gone downhill since then. Now the afternoon/evening is peppered with reasons she hates Kindergarten and hates After Care even more. It’s been a hard transition for her, to be sure.
We also started the no additives diet. I’ve communicated to the after school program that she can’t eat their snacks and I send her with her own. This has already caused some problems (my daughter getting upset because she can’t have the gummies they are eating), but honestly I’d rather start now so they get used to it from the beginning, even though it probably makes my daughter hate after care more.
I drafted an email to my in-laws about the diet but my husband has to check it before we send it. I don’t think they are going to take it very well. They will surely have many judgement laden questions to ask. I just hope they follow it, even if they do judge us.
I was hoping we’d see some positive changes in the first days but so far there hasn’t been much to show for our efforts. If anything this week has been harder than most, but I suppose that is to be expected.
Also, this particular diet eliminates a lot of fruits because they contain salicylates, which some children are sensitive to. Unfortunately almost all the fruits my daughter actually eats are on the no-no list (apples, grapes, oranges, berries of any kind). She doesn’t eat any vegetables so if we take these out she will get no fruits or veggies except banana and mango (neither of which she is willing to eat right now). We decided not to take them out completely for the time being, and if we’ve seen no improvement in four weeks we’ll take them out for a month and see if that helps.
I will admit that after an initial period of not expecting this to help, I suddenly was sure it would be our ticket out of this struggle. Now, I’m back to feeling like it probably won’t do anything but drive my shopping budget up a couple hundred dollars a month. Honestly right now I’m feeling pretty hopeless.
Speaking of my budget, I know I am a couples weeks deliquent on posting my spending and honestly, I’m not sure when, or even if, it’s going to happen. The reality is I’m in a pretty negative head space about it (that and a lot of things) and it’s becoming a source of personal resentment, not inspiration or accountability. So I’m just tabling it until I’m out of this headspace. I know it was helpful for a lot of reasons–and I still want and need to focus on my spending to improve our financial situation–but I’m kind of done putting my spending on display to be judged. It’s not that anyone said anything that upset me, it’s just a lot of pressure to put up every transaction I make. I think it was causing me undue stress and I either have to stop doing it or enter a different mindset about it.
So yeah, I’m struggling. With a lot of things. I knew the transition back to school would be hard for all of us but I did not anticipate it being this hard. And I’m not comfortable really going into how deep or dark this hole is right now. The one thing I do know is I’ll climb out. I always do. My dark times are cyclical and I always cycle lowest at the start of a new school year which is a very stressful, uncertain time. Add in my daughter’s stress and it’s no surprise I’m feeling this way. I just need to trudge through and eventually I’ll find myself on the other side. In the meantime a lot of reading and TV watching will happen in place of writing, because I’ve learned that writing doesn’t help me out of this kind of space, it mostly leads to me posting something I later regret.
Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll regret this.