We had a nice, low key spring break. Why was it nice? Because… vaccinated grandparents!
My in-laws, who have been fully vaccinated for a little while (a couple weeks more than the two weeks after the second shot), had communicated to us that their fear of the variants outweighed their desire to see their grandchildren. They thought they might meet us outside for a masked meal, but otherwise they didn’t plan to see us any more than they had before they were vaccinated (which was a weekly wave from our front door to them in their car). We were disappointed, but understood that everyone has different comfort levels during a pandemic. We assumed we wouldn’t be seeing them again anytime soon.
Then they called us late last week (I think after talking to their daughter) and let us know that they had changed their minds; they weren’t going to quarantine due of the variants because there would always be variants and so far it seemed the vaccines were effective enough against them. To say this was amazing news is a MAJOR understatement.
Our son spent the night with his grandparents last Saturday night. Our daughter did on Sunday. They were both SO ECSTATIC to hug their grandparents and go to their house. My daughter wanted to bring over a ton of stuffies so they could all come back home smelling like her grandparents’ house (which has a distinctively pleasant smell).
It was so nice for them to see their grandparents and so nice for each of them to have some time without their sibling. My daughter got some time with her friends (outside and masked) while her brother was spending the night, and my son and I ordered a pizza and watched Shazam! when his sister was away. It was a great break from our regular routines.
On Tuesday we went to the zoo, which my son had done with his friend and RAVED about. It has been a LONG time since I took my kids to the zoo and it was great to be back. We got icees and hot pretzels and saw all our favorite animals. We had a really good time and enjoyed the unseasonably warm weather.
That unseasonably warm weather (::cough:: heat wave ::cough::) lasted almost all week. My parents took both kids on Wednesday to spend the night and they took them to the beach where it was 80* and they could swim in the estuary which is a lot warmer than the frigid Pacific ocean. They tried to hit up a splash pad on Thursday but the water wasn’t on yet so they retreated to the house (my SF kids melt in 85* weather). I picked them up Thursday and we brought In-n-Out to my friends house where we visited with her and her kids (outside and masked).
Friday, after they got their teeth cleaned, my daughter went to my in-laws again while my son and I met his friend at the playground and Saturday my son went to my in-laws again while I hosted my daughter’s friends in our backyard. Having a place for one of them to go while the other is (safely) seeing friends has been something I’ve wished for over and over again for the past nine months.
Sunday we went to my parents’ house for Easter. The kids found a ton of eggs and got some books and a couple D&D figure sets to compliment the crazy amount of candy. My husband (who is not yet vaccinated) stayed outside, but I went inside and helped with the dishes and sat on their couch for a moment (just because I could).
It was a REALLY nice spring break, ONLY because both sets of grandparents are vaccinated and trust in the protection of the vaccinations (and live close enough to visit easily). We are very, very lucky and I have not felt this much hope for the future in a long time.
The support of grandparents is coming at an important time for us, when the kids’ schedules are being turned upside down as the district attempts to return in person and my own schedule changes as my school transitions to more in person learning. We’re not so stressed by the fact that our kids were given opposite in person schedules at the end of April (our son will go M/Tu and our daughter will go Th/F) because we know grandparents can help us with the very inconvenient drop off and pick up times. We’re not as stressed about the lack of coverage at the childcare we’re paying for because we know the grandparents can step in every once in a while to take the kids. All of the sudden we have a little bit of breathing room, and after how suffocating the last year has felt, that little bit goes a LONG way.
As the parent who was with the kids all week so her husband could have his first week of uninterrupted work (during a very busy stretch), and as the parent who still manages most of the kids’ “away from home” activities I am so, SO thankful the presence of other adults in my kids’ lives again. So, so thankful.
I just started Hunt, Gather, Parent and the first two chapters are about how Western family structures and parenting paradigms are such outliers in the world and especially in human history. How the “traditional” nuclear family has barely existed in European society, and doesn’t really exist anywhere else and how the way we parent is not based on generations of wisdom being passed down from those that had already raised children to those that were just having them, but instead is a series of inventions that have not withstood the test of time or even rigorous scientific study. Parents are not supposed to be the only important, stable adults in children’s lives and the pressure of providing the love, care, and support that should be given by extended families and close knit communities, is crushing for parents. I REALLY appreciate reading these thing because they validate the feeling of “why the fuck is this so hard!” that I’ve been fighting against since my children were born, and that has metastasized into an undeniable fact in the past year.
The feeling of relief I’ve felt in the past week, as the grandparents have reentered our lives, only highlights how unnatural it is for families to be isolated like they are in the United States. The pandemic exacerbated that isolation, but it existed before. I wonder if there are ways to combat these ineffective societal structures as we return to our normal lives…
I am so so happy for you! That wonderful. I am a few weeks away from my dad being fully vaccinated and I am REALLY looking forward to seeing them with out the same restrictions. My kids adore my parents and are really missing that relationship. I can’t wait to be able to spend more time with them.
With that said, neither set of grandparents has EVER been a meaningful source of child care for us. My in laws live far away and are not physically able to do much more than play with the kids for an hour or two when we do see them. My parents still work and have a lot going on in their own lives. They occasionally babysit on weekends (pre-pandemic) for a few hours at a time but honestly my daughter can be so difficult I spent a lot of that time worrying. Maybe now the kids are slightly older and not so physically challenging that will get better – I think my youngest is officially not a toddler anymore? Not really sure when that ends.
Before having kids I didn’t realize how much help some people get from grandparents and how close you have to actually live for it to be meaningful help. We are about 30 minutes from my parents but with traffic and the additional distance to the daycare, it was a huge ask to have some one help with pick up on their day off. Our neighbors have grandparents who drop everything and drive down for basically every day off school and my husband in particular is SO jealous. Having grandparents who are retired but still young enough and healthy enough to help seems amazing. It’s just been us, 24/7 for the past year until a few weeks ago and it’s just been A LOT.
I read an excerpt from the book you mentioned and it also resonated with me. We have had some really wonderful daycare and preschool teachers along the way who have provided some of the sense of community and help I wish we had and we missed it SO much during the pandemic. I really want to do more to develop a sense of local community and help more with my friends kids maybe on weekends or holidays. Also found out a neighbor we like but are not super close with will be sending their kid to our son’s preschool in the fall which is opening the possibility of carpooling even occasionally for the first time ever. We just need to get a slightly bigger car (have been discussing for a while and have our eye on a hybrid crossover to compromise space with environmental friendliness).
Thrilled for you! This sounds great.
That said, I identify with Irene. None of the grandparents have ever shown any interest in my kids.
It’s true, that because of Covid, they haven’t seen my kids in over a year. But they didn’t see the kids during the previous pre-Covid year either. Their priorities, now that they’re fully vaccinated, are travel, gatherings with their friends, gardening, exercise classes, reading groups, music lessons, bird watching, hikes….
They have never taken the kids for an overnight or even for an afternoon. And my kids are older (5th and 6th grade) and very easy going.
I guess I’m kind of bitter about it. (Especially since I’m a true single mom — the kids’ dad lives in another country and doesn’t take visitation) But, since I’ve never had that kind of help, I tell myself I can’t expect it or miss it.
I’m sure glad you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. What a change from how you were feeling 3-4 weeks ago! Exactly a month ago on March 5th you wrote “My own kids will not be returning to the classroom this year.” (and now they’re partially back!) A week after that you were writing about how you were certain your in-laws wouldn’t change their minds about visits with the kids… and now they’re able to help again! Vaccine availability is continuing to increase, and I know you were worried people wouldn’t be able to get them until the end of summer and that schools in your area would still be shut down, but I truly believe it will be more likely early summer when everyone who wants to be vaccinated WILL be and schools will be transitioning to more normal schedules by the fall – even in SF.
I’m going to keep pointing out how quickly these things are changing for you, because I think when you’re in the thick of things and spiraling, it’s hard to see how negative and B&W your vision of your currently reality is (it’s almost like you’re an ostrich refusing to see any possibility of hope and change on the horizon). To be clear, I think we ALL do that from time to time.
I’m not saying it’s suddenly “easy” for you – you definitely have a lot on your plate that you’re continuing to juggle, but things truly are looking up, my friend! xoxo
SO VERY VERY DELIGHTED for you, the grandparents and your children! WOW. Such a difference and joy for everyone. The renewal of hope. The presence of hope. SO wonderful. How I feel now being able to see one grand regularly and know I can see the other family on occasion (distances issues are huge).
Fingers crossed this make the return to school teaching easier for you this week.
Great joy!!!!