I swear I was going to write this post before SHU put hers up. It does help to know I’m not the only one! I also have a couple other complications that are arising, because unlike SHU, I do plan a fair amount of hang outs for my kids with their friends (I refuse to write out “play dates,” I just can’t).
So one issue we’ve come across, especially since the school year started up again, is our kids’ insistence that they just want to stay home all day and chill. I would love to have a day or two, here or there, where this were possible, but so far it most definitely is NOT. Sure it’s lovely while the kids are playing their two hours of video game time in the morning – this is when my husband and I sleep in (we try to take turns) or get chores done – but as soon as that time is over it all goes to shit.
Like SHU’s oldest (also a girl), my daughter (12yo now) can hang out and not do much relatively well. She does want to spend the entire time listening to podcast episodes she’s already heard, and drawing on my iPad, but if pestered long enough, she can at least move her art endeavors to actual paper. Still, she requires constant vigilance to make sure she’s not back on a pad again soon.
Also like SHU, my son (9yo in a month) cannot really manage much “hanging out” time. He can read for a bit, and he too can hole up in his room listening to podcasts he’s already heard for a fair amount of time, but eventually he comes out and makes sure everyone who can hear him knows that HE’S SO BORED. Or he spends the hours asking when we can watch some TV (they also get 45 mins of TV in the afternoons on weekends – yes I know it’s WAY too much screen time). He also will read longer if he’s allowed to read on his pad, even if I have the exact same book available in print (right now, for him, it’s the Big Nate graphic novels).
They both say, why does it matter if we’re on our pads, if we’re reading or doing art? To which I reply, why do you NEED to be on your pads if we have books and art supplies EVERYWHERE? It’s clear the pad offers a kind of comfort they crave, even if they aren’t playing a game or watching something on them.
So we make them go do something most days, and even though my husband finds really cool and interesting things to do, they generally make our lives hell for the hour before we leave, and for the first half an hour of the outing.
It. Drives. Me. Crazy.
I asked my mom friends about this, and they were all like, DOING NOTHING IS LOVELY! And when I asked how their girls killed the time, it was clear pretty quickly that they spend a lot of it on screens. We already feel like we’re giving them way too much screen time on weekends, so that is not a possibility for me.
I find that usually just one short outing can be enough to break up the day, even if it’s just an hour long (or less!) trip to the library (and when I say “hour long” I am including the 10 minutes walk on either side). It’s even better if we do something longer. Both kids usually give us a ton of grief when they get ready (though our son gives us less) and have a fine time once they are out (though our daughter can usually hang longer, and in more varied circumstances).
We’re also having them do more chores, which definitely helps to keep them occupied, but it requires a fair amount of my attention and is again more effective with our daughter than with our son. (She’s even getting so good at some chores that it saves me time! Our son is definitely not saving me any time yet.)
When I have a very specific task I’m getting done, I will say that they are welcome to join me in it, or to find their own activity, and that will keep them away for a while, but my son especially always comes back, even more agitated than he was before.
One great way to break up the day is to plan a hang out with friends. My three best friends are my daughter’s friends’ moms, so that used to be really easy (though it’s gotten harder now that they are at different middle schools). My son has a few friends we can reach out too, but a lot of times they are busy doing family stuff. His best friend, who lives really close and was in our pandemic bubble, is available so infrequently that we almost never reach out to him.
{Most of his friends are the older child, so they are still doing a lot as a family with the younger sibling. They also weren’t as used to setting up hang outs with friends. When I first asked one set of parents if I could take their son to the zoo, they were very concerned about when they’d be able to reciprocate. It was hard for me to make them understand that letting me take their kid was actually doing me a huge favor!}
One issues we’ve been having, is making the friend hang out stuff “fair.” And I put “fair” in quotes because my son’s understanding of fair skews HEAVILY to his preferences. There have been times I have not set up an easy friend get together for my daughter because I couldn’t plan something comparable for my son. Or times I’ve done something extravagant with my son, to assuage him when I couldn’t put something together with his friends after his sister got to see hers.
My son has also been having some big feelings about his sister growing up and away from him, which is making this whole situation WAY more volatile than it used to be.
This has become a pretty consistent weekend wrinkle, one I’m not sure how to iron out. My in-laws sometimes take one kid at a time, and that helps, but it’s not a consistent possibility. I find that I’m less interested in having my daughter’s friends over, because they just want to sit on their phones the whole time and as a middle school teacher I just cannot abide that shit. I will be the mean mom who makes them put their phones away, but then they sit around not knowing what to do because they literally don’t remember how to hang out in person anymore. If I’m not trying to “make it fair” for my son, I’m less likely to reach out to his friends, even though doing so would probably make my life easier.
The best case scenario is meeting a friend at a play ground for a couple hours. Why is that so hard to manage most days!? Obviously the 12yos aren’t really interested, but my son and his friends would be. I’m always shocked how hard it is to find a friend who is available.
I did just send out invitations for my son’s birthday, and in the process got the contact info for some new families. Maybe some of them will available more often…
I haven’t read much about this on other blogs. The few parenting blogs I still read have younger kids, or older kids, or more kids, and I never read anything about coordinating “play dates” and managing sibling expectations around them. My friends have one child, or their kids are spaced farther apart (7-9 years) so they aren’t dealing with this as much either. I”m curious how other people manage this stuff. Do all kids balk at idea of leaving the house, even to do something fun? Do all siblings melt down if they perceive inequality in time spent with friends?
Maybe I just need to tell my son to suck it up, that life isn’t fair, and weather the melt downs as they come. That is probably the right answer, but it’s not a pleasant or easy answer.
I wanted to wrap this up more but it’s late and I need to head to bed so I’m going to set it to post. Please let me know if you have any insights or suggestions!
“The best case scenario is meeting a friend at a play ground for a couple hours. Why is that so hard to manage most days!? Obviously the 12yos aren’t really interested, but my son and his friends would be. I’m always shocked how hard it is to find a friend who is available.”
YES. The problem is that most kids are either at some travel soccer event OR on screens. Can you just move to FL? lol. We can have a non-play-date hang out . . .
Also, re: screens – how do you phase in allowing more for your daughter with time? I ask that b/c you are a couple years ahead of me and I can’t imaging policing a 16 year old’s phone use much (after necessary activities like homework any chores etc).
A few thoughts. My kids are 11 and 8, the oldest is special needs. My kids get tv until 9 am and 1 hour after lunch. If you ask for more you get none. If you tell me you’re bored and hassle me you get chores. There is always laundry and dishes and dusting to do, so figure out something or I will. As far as play dates, no I don’t make it fair. I tell my kids life is not fair and this month/year so and so gets more and next month:year it might change. But as I do say that you need to include your sibling when you have a friend over. The child with the guest determines what to play and the sibling can either join in or do their own thing. T
My kids are different ages than yours but I still relate to this. I also feel that spending time with other kids is best for everyone but I can’t always make it happen. First, my kids are 4.5 years apart and I don’t know any other families with kids similar ages. Everyone seems to have a girl in the middle and they play with other similar families. Or they have a kid the same age as my younger plus a toddler which leaves my older one out. So family play dates are tough. I’m also having a hard time coordinating play dates just for my almost nine year old. A lot of his friends are actually the youngest and the sports and social needs of their older siblings seem to be put first. A few of them also have older siblings the same age and they all hang out together without my family. And my four year old will not leave my older alone when he’s with a friend so I need him out of the house. My four year old is also too young for drop off play dates. I’m also afraid to have his friends come over because I worry that he will be too wrapped up in what his older brother is doing to play with his friend. What makes it harder is that my husband absolutely does not prioritize spending time with other families. He hasn’t made dad friends and isn’t interested in reaching out. And he is low key resentful when I invite families over (which I do very very seldom). He doesn’t seem to enjoy the endless screen time battle. But he thinks that can be solved by going out to lunch as a family and spending an hour with his mom. I think our weekends are terrible unless we have lots of plans but he is unwilling to make them or even discuss them. And my kids have way more screen time than yours. It’s really really bad.
Sending support.
It will continue to vary and happen over time; and then they move out.
Agree with your children it (life) isn’t fair.
Always feel free to tell them to clean their room or bathroom or pick up their stuff in all family spaces. Weed pulling, out back, is also just fine.
Encourage them to proactively find a friend on their own to join activities (their problem not yours).
Do not hold your breath or turn blue because blue isn’t a good skin color.
Sometimes making a posted list of activity ideas really helps and setting a time limit on fussing (Whoops your 3 mins has been used up) can ease adult fatigue with the complaints.
Parental controls and automatic shut offs for electronics can sometimes help.
We police screen time during the week but allow LOTS more on the weekends. But my kiddos never “just’ do screens, i.e., if my daughter is watching something, she is simultaneously doing something art related, so in my mind it doesn’t count. 🙂 Mine don’t complain about leaving the house, but that’s probably because when we leave the house on the weekends it’s typically to do something we’ve planned that they will enjoy. I try to get them out every weekend-day to do something; once that something is over I call myself a good mom and let them do what they want. All of us are much happier since I eased up on the weekend screen time.
I have an only child so can’t help much on the hang out front, but for screens, he gets a lot of time on Saturdays, but then on Sunday he gets none. Literally the only day of the week his doesn’t get a screen. We plan some outings, but I also feel that at 9 he can handle some boredom. He’ll often play with Legos, read, or whine (which is when I make him clean). We are lucky in that 2 other 9 year olds live on our street, so they’ll play together, too, most days.
We definitely have similar struggles in our house with “fairness” in regards to play dates. I just keep reminding my son that his sister is 2 years older and her friends have a lot more latitude for riding bikes to place and meeting up. Lots of tears and “it’s not fair” but I just ignore him or send him to his room if he continues with the fit. It’s annoying and exhausting, but I figure it’s just a phase.
In terms of screen time limits and the endless “bored” comments, I agree with a couple other commenters that whining means loss of even the time they are normally allowed. Complaints about no more screen time means ZERO screen time the next day, and complains about being bored is met with a chore to do. It took a couple weeks of enforcing this, but short term pain for long term gain. The kids 100% know now that a bored complaint is met with a chore assignment, which has WAYYYYY cut done on the whininess. They still whine, but less. 😉 Good luck, and you’re not alone on this!
JB is only 7 so I’m leaning hard into having them self manage their time after school without relying heavily on screens while I can still keep screens mostly out of the equation, in hopes that we might build good habits for the weekends. I’m not totally sure if it’s working but they DO come up with their own ideas for some things to do when I’m not assigning chores.
Weekends are definitely a bit harder for all of us. We’re so TIRED by then, some days, that it feels impossible to come up with a thing to do. PiC usually makes the kids go out with him to run errands and then go to the park, which is a lifesaver but we are going to need to figure out how to manage scheduling meet ups with other friends a little more regularly.
But we DEFINITELY already have the balking at going out thing even with the younguns. It’s really annoying! They always have fun when they’re actually out, why does it have to be such a fight to drag them out the door in the first place?
I don’t have anything useful to help you, since mine are so young, but I wonder if my readers might. They have older kids.