THIS POST HAS BEEN EDITED/UPDATED.
I guess I should have expected that last post to generate an intense comment section. In the moment I was just trying to write out the situation in an attempt to figure out how I felt. I was also hoping for some advice on how to manage the feelings as I knew others had already dealt with a situation that was relatively new to me. And I did get lots of good advice on that. Thank you for that.
It’s understandable that we all have a lot of feelings about other people’s actions right now, because other people’s action affect everyone, including us. Full stop. Most of us have never been a part of a public health movement where simple day-to-day actions can affect others in such negative ways. Many of us have never been in a situation where our personal choices are a matter of public health. This is new terrain for all of us and with the botched federal response and confusing, inconsistent public health messaging, it’s not surprising that our nation has not come together in combating this virus.
I am not trying to make explanations for anyone. I believe people should be making certain choices and I am dismayed, and sometimes angry, that they are not making them. But I am not a perfect adherent myself, and I didn’t write that post trying to paint myself as such. California currently has a stay-at-home order that I do not follow when I meet with my kids’ friends at the playground. I wasn’t following that same order when I met with my parents on their patio to open presents on Christmas Eve.
And if my kids spend this weekend at my parents’ house, inside and unmasked for 36 hours, we will not be following even the current CDC guidelines.
And this is where I’ve deleted the rest of this post, the parts that were previously published. I understand people are angry that I posted it at all, I just felt disingenuous not mentioning it again, since I already mentioned it earlier. My previous post was not meant to put me, or my choices, on a pedestal, and it felt like that is what happened, indirectly, in the comment section. It felt dishonest for me to not mention that I am not perfect in my choices either. That I am tired and sad and managing the expectations of others who should be more cautious that we are, but are not.
I’m not asking anyone to talk me out of it. I’m not asking you to tell me it’s okay. I’m not trying to convince people to make bad choices. I’m just trying to be honest. But maybe, in this circumstance, that was the wrong inclination. I know I was furious about the op-ed in the NYT days before Thanksgiving that listed all the direct and indirect contacts the family had, and the risks of them passing on the virus and then ending with, but we’re going to go anyway! I remember thinking that it was so hard to convince my parents to eat outside, at separate tables, and then they were going to read this and think it’s okay to eat inside! I recognize this is a form of that. Others might be teetering, trying to make the right choice, and I put something like this out there, suggesting that there are exceptions to the rules. But there aren’t. And I recognize that. It just felt so dishonest, since I had already mentioned the possible plan, to pretend like I had never mentioned it at all.
I still don’t know what we’re going to do. I outlined my reasoning for why we’re considering it below, in a response to a comment. Please feel free to excoriate me. That is only fair after the comment section on my last post. I will leave this post up for 24 hours so people can say what they need to say to me, then I will take it down.
And I’ll leave this thread link up, because it still feels important.
Why, right now, with CA rates so high and a new more contagious variant spreading and a vaccine possible as early as 3 months from now (though more likely this summer) would 36 hours unmasked inside even be a question?
One of my friends is chair of her department in a blue state. One of her faculty just lost BOTH, seemingly healthy, active, parents to covid because his sister accidentally gave it to them on a visit. She has no idea how she got it and didn’t know she had it when she visited. They didn’t last three weeks once they got it. Can you imagine how horrible she must feel. How horrible the faculty member must feel?
In March your parents might be vaccinated, you might be too, as a teacher. In July your kids might be. It won’t be long before indoor events are safe again.
Why are you posting this? Are you asking to be talked out of it or trying to convince others to also be unsafe at the worst possible time?
Why am I posting this. That is a good question.
First of all, I mentioned it in an earlier post. This isn’t the first time I’ve said we were considering it. I’m not just coming out with this now, out of the blue.
Second of all, I honestly felt guilty, when everyone was commiserating with me and talking about how awful people are who make exceptions… I felt like… I was getting more credit than I deserved. I didn’t write that post about my relatives to talk up my own good choices, but to ask for how to deal with my feelings surrounding their choices. It became an entirely different conversation in the comments and it didn’t feel honest to let all that go down on my own blog when I was making a choice others might not agree with either.
And why now… when numbers are worse than they have been. The answer is that we had two weeks off, and this is the last time we’ll have two weeks off until summer. My son will be at his learning pod and I will start seeing students on campus once a week and our possible exposure will sky rocket. And while CA’s numbers are awful SF’s are still not as bad (we’re on lock down because we’re part of a region where other counties have higher numbers and fewer ICU beds, but San Francisco and San Mateo counties are not driving the surge in the Bay Area – Southern California is really driving CA’s crazy high numbers). Yes, I hope I’ll get the vaccine before next fall (the NYT calculator says 14 million people in CA will get it before me – though a recent press conference suggests I might get it sooner, in the spring). I don’t think my husband or my kids will offered it in the next year. My parents aren’t yet 70 (they are 69) so they have a long time to wait as well (Newsom is planning to roll it out to people 75+ first and then 65+ WITH underlying conditions, which my parents don’t have). My understanding is the vaccine hasn’t been authorized for kids and mine will be far back in the line to get it if it ever is (as they should be). I think it’s very wishful thinking to believe that enough of us will be vaccinated so that we will be able to see them like this in March, let alone in the summer. (Two articles I read today about how slowly the vaccine roll out is happening now suggest it’s going to take longer than was previously anticipated.)
My parents, especially my mom, are really having a hard time. I know they should be able to handle it better, but right now they aren’t. They generally take fewer precautions than us, but they have been more cautious this month and agreed to isolate themselves for these two weeks (except for when they saw us in their backyard). This has been the only time that their willingness to isolate matched up with our ability to do so. It will not happen again before summer and even then it would be hard to make happen.
They see family in other parts of the country taking way more risks than us and they don’t understand why we can’t do something so much safer than their brothers and sisters are doing. I’m not saying it’s the right mentality to have, just acknowledging it’s where they are coming from and what I’m dealing with. I will admit a part of me feels like if I do this now I can more easily say no to them until vaccinations actually make it safer (maybe in 9 months to a year from now).
I’m not asking for anyone to try to talk me out of this. Or for anyone to tell me it’s okay. You’re free to tell me say whatever you want in the comments. I still haven’t made up my mind, but I wanted to be honest about considering it. It felt dishonest not to.
I liked this response. It felt very honest. I think you have been making good choices. It must be hard for you that your mom is having a really hard time accepting the situation and responding safely. My MIL is having a hard time too and in the late summer we did some unmasked time with her but now we tell her we all need to be outside and in masks, which at first was awkward.
I know the vaccine roll out is slow but do you really think your parents won’t get it within a year?!? I’m assuming that since they are over 65 they would be in late spring/early summer. I do think the vaccines will be doled out more efficiently after the new administration takes over.
I obviously can’t see the future so I don’t know when my parents will get the vaccine. Right now teachers and people 65-75 with preexisting conditions are in the second wave (people 75+ are in the first wave). From what I’ve read, they are hoping teachers can be vaccinated in early spring. I’m not sure where that puts my parents. But even if my parents are vaccinated, does that mean my kids can see them inside without masks? My understanding was it doesn’t… not until they are all vaccinated. But maybe I am misunderstanding? And I still have heard nothing about kids even getting the vaccine, even though I’ve searched for it. I am really now hanging any hopes on vaccinations changing my life right now. I’ve read a lot of articles that suggest people think it’s going to make a difference a lot earlier than it actually will.
My understanding is that at least one vaccine is being tested on kids 12 and older but not yet on younger kids. And of course as more people get vaccinated, transmission will go down and it will take a longer time to test the effectiveness of the vaccine in kids. I have no idea whether it is safe to open things up if kids aren’t vaccinated. I think the The vaccines are approved for 16 and up now but that leaves a lot of kids unprotected.
I get it. I’m not perfect either. We see others outdoors which is technically not permitted. That thread is heartbreaking. This family was really reckless. Relying on a rapid test? Not isolating before the test? Seeing elderly parents after seeing someone unmasked? Endangering their nanny? Do people not understand the limitations of testing or do they just not care? I really don’t get it.
Honestly I don’t think you should send your kids to your parents. They may be very close to receiving a vaccine themselves, and as a teacher so might you! How would it feel to be the person who got them sick and possibly killed them? I know it seems very unfair since half the population is doing whatever they want and telling people who aren’t they are histrionic, but honestly, don’t do this. I now it’s hard, but you have to be strong.
I know how unfair it feels. I’m in a similar situation insofar as where I live. I’m in the Sacramento region, but in a county where our numbers are climbing but not bad- it’s really Sac County that’s driving our numbers. And because my husband is at high risk we’ve been totally locked down since March. I did a socially distanced pool date with my bestie in the early summer but he had a fit. All our groceries and food are delivered. We didn’t celebrate any of the holidays with anyone. I can count on one hand the number of stores I’ve been in since March- like when our icemaker just suddenly wouldn’t make ice, and a trip to Trader Joes because no one delivers them. But, in our family I’m the one having a hard time. I feel so isolated and am starved for time with my people, but I still wouldn’t risk it. Not when I see where the numbers are, and what is happening in the surge hospitals in So Cal. It’s so hard- I would love nothing more than to spend time with my bestie, we moved here just so I’d HAVE people, but I know it’s not the safe thing to do so I’m staying home, depressed indefinitely because that’s how I can help.
Thank you for Dara Kass quote and link.
I believe you will make the right decision for your particular situation.
Being older than your parents (I qualify as senior senior) and with risk factors I have no idea when I will be eligible for vaccine. I am Kaiser member, a well organized giant health organization. Kaiser has not said how a person will be told when they are eligible, where they will go, how to sign up for appointment , if it will be drive through like testing, if there will be lines to stand in like normal flu vaccine lines in normal years, or anything at all. I know 98 yr olds ‘aging in place’ with caregivers who have no information at this time of any of the answers because they are not in a group facility. Let alone non-group-living people of 75-90.
SO while some of your readers live where a vaccine may be available to seniors soon, or even now …… that is not true for all. Where I am, not all covid facing hospital employees have been vaccinated or have been scheduled for the vaccine.
In any case, post vaccines and the wait period it is only 95% effective for current vaccines and slightly less effective I believe for the next possibly going to be approved types ……. so 5-15% will not be immunized after shots. AND, Masks, Social Distance, Wash etc will remain highly recommended until …. 85% perhaps of the national population is vaccinated (because people move between geographical areas of this state and nation so…>) . So. Yupe. High precautions indicated for the vast majority (if not 100%) of the new year.
Thank you for these posts Noemikjames . They have been educational and a big reminder of the major geographical differences with the disease in this nation.
Wishing you and all the other readers and writers here a safe and happy New Year’s Eve and a new year of joy, laughter, fun, health, family and good fortune. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the support and help during this year and years gone by. Please keep writing. (2121 looks long and hard and you help so very much!)