Why do I even try?

Sometimes it feels like, Why do I even try? Because no matter my intentions, or the steps I take to ensure something happens, life will intervene, and I end up back where I started. 

Last night I wanted to make up for some sleep lost the two nights before, so I did only the most necessary work after my call to Guatemala, and went to bed. Of course my daughter woke me up at 5am and I never got back to sleep (probably because my body was like, hey, six hours, we’re done now right?) so it ended in a wash. Maybe I can get in that extra hour tonight..

Last year I negotiated for first period prep so that I wouldn’t be missed if I were a few minutes late in the mornings. But with our block schedule, Wednesday starts with 2nd period, so I have to be in class that day at 8:30am. Last Wednesday I got up super early, got my daughter up 15 before the norm, and we ended up at her school with plenty of time to spare. I was so thrilled I was going to get to work in time to make a few copies before my first class. Then I got on 280 and hit the worst traffic I’ve seen on that freeway in years. Turns out a car ran into a tree down by my work and it took me over an hour to get to school. I was so late a friend had to cover my class for 15 minutes.

Last Thursday night, after I led my first PTA meeting as president, I was so exhausted I could barely see straight. So I went to bed early with the intention of finishing work in the morning. Of course my son woke up only 10 minutes after me and I got nothing done. I spent Friday creating activities on the fly because I had absolutely nothing prepared. 

Sometimes it feels like, why do I even try? 

Blerg. I’m so tired. 

7 Comments

  1. You are trying. What other option exists? Ok: You could resign from PTA. What is the fall out? You could decide in advance to not put effort into your current teaching job and just skate while handing out good grades willy-nilly. Nothing to be done about traffic things because they will continue to happen. In other words: I can offer no positive ideas on how to remove some of the pressures that are overwhelming you. And, while your children will grow up and their needs and demands on you will change……that really is a very long game and provides no help right now.
    I shall be interested in what others propose.
    What would happen if you simple quit work, raised rent on tenant, stopped all child care expenses and travel, changed tax brackets? I suspect the numbers do not work and foreclosure would loom as well as bankruptcy.

  2. I guess it may not work with your schedule and I can’t really remember the specifics, but is there any creative way to delegate or outsource one or two mornings?

    For example: have your in laws or parents or a friend take your daughter to school — preferably with a sleepover the night before to increase your chances of catching up on your sleep.

    I know some people who have a morning nanny/baby sitter who comes over early in the morning, gets the kids ready and brings them to school. Expensive, but they say it’s a huge stress reliever.

    I know. There’s no good solution and I have many of the same problems… sigh.

  3. Life happens, and other than giving up and leaving everything you just have to look at it that everyone has life happen to them too. We have a lot of the same issues right now. Three kids in three different areas (kindergarten, preschool and daycare) and no help to get them there besides me. I’m exhausted but I’d rather be exhausted knowing I am trying my hardest, and I know tomorrow may be better (it may not be but I am an optimistic). Every night at the dinner table we ask the kids what was the best thing about that day? No matter what happens there is always a positive, something little that makes you smile. It’s all about perspective. That accident affected a lot of people commuting, however its better being a little late than the person who hit the tree and could’ve possibly lost their life. Let’s hope one day this week everyone sleeps a little better, traffic isn’t as bad and there isn’t a PTA meeting. One small thing a day đŸ™‚

  4. Yeah, been there. It’s especially acute when there’s a lot on one’s plate and it would be nice just to have a moment to get ahead. Sometimes though, the best laid plans.

    Everyone above has some excellent advice and suggestions, so I’m not going to add to that. Particularly as I don’t know what you financial situation would be around all of this. But I will say I hear you, it sucks and may things either get easier or there be some relief soon. That or an exit plan.

  5. I’m really sorry, that sucks. You need to get more sleep. I would focus on that and trying not to worry about anything else before you’re more rested. Could you perhaps go to sleep really early for a couple of nights (and let your husband put the kids to bed), like 9pm?
    Sorry about the unsolicited advice. Your post brought back traumatic memories from when my son was a toddler and woke up 5-15 times a night while I tried to finish my dissertation and lead two research projects. It’s doable for some time but not in the long run. It’s not healthy. I wish I could help, or that somebody could. I’m sorry.

  6. Can you sleep at your parents for a weekend and catch up on sleep? You need it. I know that your kids probably won’t let your husband take over when you’re home, so I recommend getting out.

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