You’d think as an adult who has ADHD, who grew up with a parent who has ADHD, and also a teacher who has taught a great many children with ADHD, I would know how to parent my daughter with ADHD. But it’s not easy, and there is no one answer that works for all families. The reality is, I’m not always sure what is best for my daughter.
At this point my daughter does not have a diagnosis of ADHD, but I am sure she has it. I recognize her struggles from my own experiences with ADHD, and from my 14 years teaching. I have no doubt that she has it, but I haven’t sought a diagnosis because I didn’t feel she would benefit from one. Diagnoses are helpful when seeking medication, and/or a 504 (a specialized education plan that provides guidelines to accommodate for a medical conditions that effects learning). My daughter is a smart kid, and so far she has achieved every grade level milestone despite the challenges her condition causes. Her school also hasn’t used an disciplinary measures (like missing recess if work is not completed within a certain amount of time) that would require a 504 to circumvent. I also haven’t been interested in trying a medication. Yet.
I had ADHD, but I was not diagnosed as a child. I’m not sure if the disorder was widely recognized in the late 80’s, when I was making my way through the middle and upper elementary grades. I was a smart kid, who wanted very much to fit in and be like. I craved the positive attention of my teachers, and learning came relatively easy to me, so I developed strategies to manage the negative consequences of my symptoms, and did well in school.
{I’m sure having a mother who was also a teacher, helped – I definitely remember her making sure I got my homework done and helping me develop organizational systems that worked for me. I also remember her taking me to school on the weekends when I forgot my math workbook or something else I needed to turn in.}
So yeah, I did well enough in school, but I also internalized the message, which was communicated subtly and in myriad ways, that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and that I needed to do everything possible to do better, to make up for this fault at at the foundation of my being.
So I did pretty good in school, despite my ADHD. I even liked school, and I felt successful there. Still, I wonder what my experience would have been if I’d not had this disorder working against me. What might I have accomplished if so much energy weren’t being used to sit still, pay attention, and keep myself organized. (Or how many hours I would have spent doing productive things if I weren’t looking for all the hundreds of thousands of things, important and less so, that I lost.)
What might I have accomplished? And might I have avoided that feeling, which has followed me into adulthood, that something is fundamentally wrong with me?
Those questions about what my own life would have been like, are at the forefront of my mind now as I meditate on the next steps to take with my daughter. This year she will be in third grade. This is the grade where academics take a big leap, and she will be asked to read and write more, both in the classroom and at home. Right now reading and writing are still a real challenges for her (at least reading books she hasn’t chosen is routinely met with defiance). She hates to write, and many of her writing assignments had to come home last year (and the year before) so she could finish them with significantly more time than was allowed in the classroom (and a lot of re-direction from me). I also wrote out her homework answers the night before to provide scaffolding for her independent homework time at aftercare (she traced over the answers). Even with those supports (and others including noise cancelling headphones, a wobble disk for her chair, and chew necklaces) she was often still in the homework room working when the other kids at aftercare were outside in the playground.
My daughter is a smart kid, and I’m sure she could get by without medication, just like I did. But I also see her struggling, and I know that so many things are such a challenge for her, and that they don’t have to be. We are still managing a lot of big emotions at home, and I know it’s just as exhausting for her as it is for us. What if a medication makes a positive difference?
There is such a stigma against taking medications for mental health disorders in our culture, even someone like me who takes one of these medications and knows that it helps is unsure what to do. If, with help, she is meeting the standards, do we continue without medication? Or, with the goal of easing her burden, and giving her a better chance of meeting her full potential, do we try something and see how it goes?
I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ll be spending a lot of time this year reading up on the topic. If you have any resources or experiences to share, please send them my way. I’d really appreciate it. If you’d rather not share in the comment section, please email me at noemikjames@gmail.com.
Was away for two weeks. Loved coming home to your wonderful vacation and beautiful children. Such a terrific success. So proud of all of you!
Medication can be part of the answer for your daughter. Tutoring that emphasises positive rewards for her reading and writing can also help. Learning that ADHD or ADD both can improve by teaching the person coping skills (without going to OCD levels) can also help. Being taught by a non-parent may make these skills easier to accept and learn, routines and habits can be coping skills that support the person, and learning that most people have areas of weaknesses as well as strengths and figuring out how to use both together can happen from having an expert involved. For some people organization is easy, for others it needs to be carefully nurtured and taught. Hearing about this from parents is simply different from hearing about it from an outside person.
I have been a reader of yours for a long time now. Based on that,yes, you have ADD issues, your husband does too!!! (It is a huge part of his resistance to some changes and his difficulties in organizing packing on vacation and to being more ‘in charge’ of daily living with children, etc.) We all have coping mechanisms that help us get through life, learning which ones work and which ones don’t for specific people is really really helpful for out entire lives.
Know you will do your research and find good answers for all 4 of you.
Hoping to hear your BnB as landlord pros and cons. Hoping the school year starts well for everyone. FIngers crossed the PTA is less of a challenge this year.
Congratulations on an amazing summer of amazing events!!!!!!
ADHD is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot over the past year, especially for my son. We have had him assessed and depending on the situation is sometimes able to focus, but other times struggles. Then came the diagnosis of sleep apnea for both Teddy and Maddy, with us seeing a HUGE improvement in behavior and attentiveness from Maddy since she had her surgery. So now I’m thinking a lot about sleep quality too.
I’m curious about what you’ve been reading given that I am digging through the literature a lot in preparation for an upcoming assessment for both my kids (and Teddy’s surgery coming up next month). ADHD is such a complex condition that requires lifelong management ranging from diet and exercise to providing teaching tools to manage restlessness. Would love to hear what you’ve been finding that is helpful.
This post is particularly interesting to me because one of our sons was formally diagnosed with ADHD in April of this year. (We had suspected the disorder since he was in preschool but only had him evaluated in April.) At this point, medication has not (yet) been recommended for him, and he does a 504 plan in place. (Frankly, the 504 plan mostly includes accommodations that his kindergarten teacher was already making for him and was only done to ensure that those accommodations would remain in place for subsequent years.)
Fortunately, he seems to still enjoy school despite his challenges, but he has only just started first grade, so I have real concern that that could change as the demands on his attention and focus increase in subsequent grades.
I have two friends who were diagnosed as ADHD as adults. One I met during my PhD. The other was a middle/high school friend who was diagnosed after university. Both were intelligent people who were successful in school at all levels, but who struggled significantly in task completion and emotional regulation especially, all through their studies. When they both told me about their experiences getting diagnosed and starting medication, they both told me it was like night and day and they wished they had been able to have that experience so much sooner. It was really profound for me to hear that they wished they could have had the experience of being diagnosed as children or teenagers so that they knew they weren’t broken.
I don’t have ADHD but I did start medication for anxiety last year. And I’m 100% with you on the stigma against medication for dealing with mental health issues. I started having major problems with anxiety in 2010 and it took me 7 years of CBT being a minimal help for me to take the leap and start a low dose SSRI. And it has made a world of difference and allowed me to actually use some of the things I was learning in CBT and yoga and meditation workshops in a way I *couldn’t* because my brain was too messed up to manage it. Do I want to be on it for life, probably not. But if I have to be I don’t think I’ll be particularly upset about it.
As much as this comment makes me sound like I’m super pro medication for a variety of anecdotal reasons, I totally understand being cautious in approaching the situation with your daughter because I would do the same. And I wish you all the best in making your decision about whether to try medication with her for her ADHD.
I have kind of a dichotomy of views. OTOH absolutely I agree there should be no stigma about taking medications cation for depression etc. OTOH I think there was/is a huge problem with overmedicating kids for adhd/add.
My daughter has issues getting distracted. Sometimes the last to finish etc. I’ve asked repeatedly if teachers (including instructional specialist) suspect adhd and they’ve all said no, so I’m hopeful this is something she can manage/outgrow. It’s hard for me bc I was naturally laser focused as a kid in school.
I’d be interested to hear what you find re: your daughter.
Going into Kindergarten, I spoke with my daughter’s teacher. I had my concerns due to her father’s diagnosis. I watched her closely as did her teacher. The PCIT(parent child interactive therapy) was helping, but I could tell things were a struggle for her. She never had behavior problems and was meeting milestones in school. However, I noticed a change in her. She would say things, “like other kids are better than me.” Or she would get frustrated and stop doing thing if she was struggling. I was proactive in talking with the ADHD specialist where I work(benefits of being a pediatric nurse). Her mid year testing scores dropped significantly after being well above average at the beginning of the year. It was then her teacher and I decided to do some diagnostics. With my daughter’s pediatrician on board, she was clinically diagnoses as ADD. We chose to start her on medication, a VERY LOW DOSE, just to see.
Amazingly enough, her turn around in less than a month was fabulous. Her scores increased, her behavior at school, always good, was “off the charts” good. Her reading took off. She was no longer giving up at the first sign of struggling. She was able to hold her attention long enough to work through the struggle and move forward. The hope is with the low dose she will learn to correct her behaviors and as she grows and academics become more taxing on her, she will have the knowledge she can achieve things. She will have the confidence to succeed. Watching her struggle in her confidence was painful for me. As I struggle so much with my own confidence, I don’t want her to suffer like I did with the low self esteem when I know I can do something to help her.
We attempted a break off her meds this summer. I had not realized how amazingly it had helped her more than just with school. Her medication helped her be able to focus on her feelings and express them clearly. Off her meds we were back to tantrums and screaming. She has a lot to process as we approach the anniversary of her father’s death. Decreasing her anxiety and allowing herself to work through her feelings has greatly benefited her and our family.
I know there is a stigma about medications, especially in children. I watched my husband struggle as an adult and the amazing things that happened when he went back on medication. I didn’t want my daughter to struggle into her adult hood. I have talked at length with the specialist about long term use and how it may evolve into an as needed type of thing as she has already learned her “focus medication” helps her. We skip on Sundays to just chill and be family, but wow! what an amazing difference it has made for all of us. I know it’s a challenge to make this decision as I have stood where you stand. But I know, for us, it was the best decision I could have made.
I like http://www.additudemag.com and http://www.understood.org for good online references with lots of different angles. There is also a great youtube video by Dr. Russell Barkley on what it means to have ADHD.
My son was diagnosed by four and has pretty severe ADHD (or ADHD + ??? which we’ll see over time I suspect). We started medicating at five and are blown away with how much easier he navigates school and family life now. We also do OT (since he has sensory and social issues too) and are pretty happy with how he is doing now at six years old.
To me it comes back to whether your child is happy without a diagnosis or medication, or whether there are serious self-confidence or self-esteem problems from the degree ADHD interferes with feeling like a “normal” kid or academic problems from being unable to focus. I joined a facebook group and many there said they wished they hadn’t waited so long to try medication. We figured we could always try it and stop if we didn’t like it. It wasn’t an easy choice but we don’t regret it!
I have no personal experience, but I’ve seen children who absolutely benefit from ADHD medication.
I think you can have a clear conscience that you’re not considering medication to make YOUR life easier; you’re considering it to make your daughter’s life easier. So first of all, your motives are in the right place.
You’re right about the stigma. Our doctor once pointed out to me that we don’t angst about giving insulin to a person with diabetes. We’re simply trying to correct an imbalance in both cases.
I will also say that medication for the brain is much less precisely prescribed (as is the diagnosis) than is medication for the rest of the body. Lots more trial and error.