Tonight is my 20 year high school reunion.
I will admit that I’m excited. I have some good friends from high school that I rarely see, and I know most of them will be there. I’m not on FB so I haven’t been watching their lives from afar. I don’t know what a lot of them have been up to, and I’m stoked to see them again.
{Events like this are, in my opinion, much more interested and exciting when you AREN’T on social media, because you actually have things to talk about with people.}
I’m also thinking a lot about my life and its progress. 20 years is a long time, and evidently I’ve been an out in the world for that long, supposedly accomplishing goals and making memories.
In the end I realize that I’m approaching this milestone having achieved my most important goals. I have a husband (that I’m quite fond of – at least most of the time 😉 ) and two children. I have gainful employment. I own a house. I’ve even been traveling recently! To a far away place! I’ve checked off pretty much every box that society presents for us (and a few that I prioritize for myself). That definitely makes approaching this whole thing easier, even exciting.
But there are other feelings down there too. I’m not thrilled to tell everyone that I’m still teaching at the same school, right across the street from the high school we all attended. Sure I live in the city, but I spent the majority of every day in the small suburb where I spent the final years of childhood. I haven’t really arrived anywhere interesting. I’m probably more connected with home than most of them.
And yes I have a job, but it’s not worth talking about. It’s not interesting, and it’s not something I’m especially proud of. Professionally I’ve achieved nothing of note, and that is depressing. I also realize I made a lot of choices to get, and stay, where I am professionally. I recognize those and am mostly at peace with them. I realize this is only my 20 year reunion and there is still time to achieve something in my professional life that I am proud of.
I also find myself eyeing my reflection a lot more. I haven’t been happy with my body since I had my surgery and had to stop working out for two months. It has been harder than ever to get back into shape after those short two months. My body just doesn’t bounce back like it used to. My metabolism is not interested in speeding back up.
Thank goodness I got a tan on my trip!
But, joking aside, I hate coming back to this same mindset about my body and how hard it is for me to accept myself when I don’t like how I look. I want so badly to be okay with how I look, at any weight, but I’m so far from there. My actual definition of “looking good” is so narrow. I may never fall within its limited confines again. There is a part of me that would rather be accepting of the new me than actually looking the way I want to, but another, very loud voice, is terrified of that reality, and has a lot of ugly things to say to me about how I look and what that means about me.
So yeah. Lots of feelz about things thing tonight. But mostly excitement, and I’m trying hard to let the voices of disappointment be drown out by the loud shrieking of the voice that is excited to see her old friends.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to look good (by very strict standards) vs. wanting to accept the way you actually look. Weirdly, I was never worried about my weight when I was younger, I was not overweight but not in particularly great shape either. Then, between my kids, I lost some weight so that I was rather thin (like BMI under 20). I got a lot of positive feedback and, I’m ashamed to admit, got hooked to both the feedback and to the way I looked, how clothes looked on me etc. After my younger was born I never got back to that weight, though I’m no only like 5-6 kg heavier. And it bothers me, and it bothers me SO MUCH that it bothers me. I’m 40! I should be more accepting of myself and less shallow etc.etc. I also thought that looks are not so important to me, and it sucks to find out that actually, they do.
I was thin growing up, until at 16 I stopped swimming competitively (shoulder injury) and gained a ton of weight. I was on the heavy side for the end of high school and beginning of college. Then my junior year of college, when I lived in Spain, I lost a ton of weight (controlling what I ate to manage rampant anxiety), and got a ton of positive feedback (even though really I was TOO thin). But the thing was, I was my skinniest that year and still anxious and miserable. I learned that being skinny didn’t actually make me happy, and that helped me to accept how I looked as I got to a more healthy weight.
But I grew up with lots of very clear message about what was considered attractive and what was not. My mother has never worn higher than a size 6 since I’ve been alive (she is petite, but still…) and she had lots to say about my weight when I was wearing a 12-14.
The thing is, I’m only about 5-10lbs more than I’d like to be. My pants are tight but I can get them on, and I buy large tops now instead of mediums. It’s not a huge difference, and yet it’s all I can see. It makes me sad that I care so much. I don’t want to. I know it’s not worth it, and i know being a certain size doesn’t make me happy (in and of itself), but it’s hard to unlearn those lessons that were internalized at such a young age.
Right there with you, and I’m still working out daily. I need to drop 10 pounds. That’s all. But it’s so hard at this age (42!). I had the same type of mom growing up – comments regularly about our weight. She didn’t understand the struggle although they feed us like adults (clean your plate) and wouldn’t let us play sports. Umm…. 😂
I’m working on accepting myself right now too. It’s not going well.
You may be surprised to find that classmates who have moved far away are envious that you’re teaching in your hometown. My 20th was a while ago, before I was able to move back. And I was envious of those who were local (depends upon where one grew up of course).
Ah yes, the looks thing. I’m trying so hard to instill in my girls the notion that all body types are beautiful—we never say fat (or refer to “skinny” approvingly) or discuss people’s looks, and I don’t criticize myself in front of them. But having grown up with the messages I got, inside I’m still totally judgemental toward myself and I hate to admit, others. Ugh.
I think you’re way too hard on yourself. As my kids have gone to elementary school the past couple years I have really appreciated even more what teachers do and how important they are (I know you don’t teach elementary but still).
I also try really hard to teach my children that all sizes are okay and we never speak about people’s weight, even outside of their presence. And yet, I know my kids notice that most people are thin (in the Bay Area there are not many overweight people), and EVERYONE they see on TV and in movies are thing. When we go to the Midwest and see more overweight people they definitely notice, and I can tell they want to talk about it. I don’t know if I really can teach them that all body types are beautiful when our society teaches them otherwise. It’s impossible not to internalize what they are all around them.
As far as my job, I don’t know why exactly it feels like I’ve accomplished so little. Maybe because I’m in the exact same position at the exact same place as I was when I started at 24. It makes me feel like I’ve made no progress, and achieved nothing. My husband had had three positions at three different places in that same stretch. Most people have moved their job at least once. But not me. It just makes me feel like I’m standing still. And I am.
I hope you are able to enjoy yourself despite your misgivings! Like you, I have accomplished all of my major life goals, and I am not only happy with, but proud of, my life.
My 30th high school reunion is this year, and I have no intention to attend: I have zero interest in reconnecting with any of my high school classmates. (I would say that, to the extent that curiosity might once have been a motivating factor, being on Facebook has satisfied any desire I might’ve had to know how my classmates have changed and where they’ve ended up in life.) I know other people — including my husband, my mother and my sister — love their high school reunions.
My husband did not go to his this year. Or the last one either. I went to my 10th, but I remember not really wanting to. I’m not sure why I’m more interested this year. Maybe because I haven’t had a night out with adults in so long! I don’t think I’d go if I had to travel for it, but since it’s right where I live, I’m definitely down to be there.
Sister, I’m right there with you in how I’m not feeling happy with how I look right now. I’m depressed over it. But there truth is, we’re still looking better than most, so we should move on. I say that with love. ❤️
Are you going to the actual reunion! I want to hear ALL about it!!!
So how did it go? I’m one of those people who loves reunions (and has planned my 5yr and 10yr, so…). Now I’m thinking I have 2 years to get off the 30# I put in the last 3 years. *sigh* Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?
I haven’t read further yet, but I hope you posted about how everything went. 🙂 My 40th (!!) reunion will be next year. I don’t think I’ll be going, as my Dad’s 80th birthday will be a month later, and I don’t think I can swing two trips so close together. I haven’t been back to that town in 20+ years, and there are a few people I wouldn’t mind seeing — and I’m curious about how a few others turned out 😉 — but I was not one of those people who loved high school and had tons of friends, so I’m not dying to go back — I can take it or leave it. I did go to my 10th reunion (got a hotel room with a girlfriend — our husbands were understandably not interested, lol) and had a relatively good time. There were still quite a few people who didn’t have kids then so I didn’t feel as out of place as I am sure I would now, with everyone talking not only about kids but GRANDKIDS!! :p