Not a Wasted Word

Sorry I’m just getting this up so late on a Friday. I spent Thursday afternoon processing and then Thursday night I had one of the most acute bouts of insomnia that I can remember. I didn’t fall asleep until after 3am and woke up at 4:45am. I slept for another 45 minutes after that, but today was really rough after just 2.5 hours of broken sleep.

My MRI results were surprising and confusing. The email in which she “explained” them to me was as hard to read as the actual report issued by the technician. I sent an email requesting some clarification and asking some of the most pressing questions like, what does this mean for daily life, working out, martial arts, etc and she got back to me much later in the day, which I ultimately appreciated.

So the MRI showed:

• Minimally displaced cortical fracture of the posterior lateral aspect of the proximal tibia (so a hairline fracture on the top of my femur bone?)
• High-grade sprain or partial tear of the ACL (ligament inside knee that stabilizes it laterally)
• Grade 1 sprain of the MCL (ligament on inner side of knee)
• Grade 2 sprain of the LCL (ligament on outer side of knee)
• A large cyst on my ACL tendon (this is evidently very common, so I’m ignoring it)

So yeah, quite a few things going on in there. And I have to admit, I’m really surprised and confused because my knee does not hurt, and has never hurt, since the moment I injured it. It doesn’t hurt when I stand, walk, sit, sleep, nothing. I’ve looked up all of these injuries and “not weight bearing,” “swelling,” “acute pain,” are present in pretty much every thing I read. And yet I’ve had none of that. I’m seriously flummoxed that I could have done so much and yet feel nothing.

And I’m so confused on how to proceed if I can assume that my knee will continue to give me zero feedback as to how my injuries are progressing. If I’m having no pain now, less than two weeks out from the injury, how will I know what I can and cannot do in the future? Usually with an injury you try exercises, and see how you feel in the moment and later. Usually the injuries let you know if you’ve pushed too hard by HURTING. How am I supposed to know how to keep my knee safe if it’s giving me no indications of what it can handle?

I am truly so confused.

I talked some to my uncle, who is a retired orthopedic surgeon who specialized in knees. He was similarly baffled by my lack of pain. He told me that it might not hurt now, but once I start trying to exercise I’d surely feel it. When I explained that I’d already been on the elliptical twice, and once I actually pushed up the resistance a little so I could work up a sweat, he was very surprised that my knee didn’t respond in any way. I’m not taking my Rx (or any other kind of) NSAID (I haven’t been since last weekend) and I only ice it 1-2 times a day, mostly out of habit and what I thought was obligation (at this point I guess you only ice it when it hurts?) so I’m sure I’m not medicating the pain away.

My uncle conceded that, in the absence of feedback from my injuries, I’d have to be very careful. He suggested I wear a brace always when I’m out of the house, to ensure I don’t overdo it (and to protect my knee in cases of tripping). I agreed. He also suggested I use only a stationary bike for at least a few weeks, to be sure I didn’t push it too hard.

I got a really nice, $200 brace last night, because I know I’m going to want to be doing things that require lateral stability and I wanted something that was guaranteed to give that to me. I also ordered a cheap stationary bike (also $200) so I could start with that and then switch between it and the elliptical later on.

The good news is that nothing if fully torn, and my doctor said my knee felt pretty stable when she saw me. She feels fairly certain that if I let these injuries heal I won’t need surgery. My long term prognosis is very good.

Short term, I suspect I’m going to make myself a little crazy trying to figure out what is appropriate and what is pushing too hard.

I have a phone appointment with my doctor on Friday and a PT appointment the next Wednesday.

In the meantime I’m just going to do more research and take it slow.

Oh, and actually sleep tonight. I’m definitely going to do that.

I was well enough on Monday afternoon to see my sports medicine specialist, who tugged a bunch on my knee and ordered an MRI. She said that even though it never swelled much, and feels so much better now, I could still have an ACL stretch or tear. The MRI will evidently tell us exactly what happened.

And I’m so relieved to be getting it. But I’m also really nervous. I assumed she’d see me knee, which looks normal (she still thought it looked a little swollen) and feels so much better, and tell me it was a sprain and send me on my way. I didn’t expect the, “it absolutely could be an ACL tear” at all. So while I’m VERY grateful that my injury is being taken seriously, and that I’m able to get an MRI so quickly, I left her office feeling more stressed about it than when I went in.

My MRI appointment is for 7:30pm tonight and she said I should get the results some time tomorrow afternoon. I really, really, REALLY (all the really’s!) hope it just a sprain and doesn’t have a damn thing to do with my ACL.

Please let it not be my ACL!!!!

{I’ve also just been really sad about this injury in general. On Saturday I missed DJ sparring, my favorite thing at the dojo and Tuesday I missed my favorite teacher doing ground grappling and I just was having a really hard time Tuesday morning about all of it. I’m not putting any of this out there for sympathy, just to be honest about the fact that there are moments when I’m REALLY upset that this happened, and I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit wishing I had just not going to sparring on Tuesday in the first place. I’ve been feeling a lot of big feelings and it’s exhausting and not super productive.}

I’m on the elliptical now, which she suggested I use with my brace. My knee doesn’t hurt at all on this, so that is good. I was going to look into renting a Peloton bike for a couple months but if the elliptical lets me work out safely, I will just stick to this. I am once again so grateful that we have this massive machine and the space to keep and use it and that it still works over ten years of pretty regular use later!

Today we didn’t have a proper staff meeting so I was able to get my Spanish 2 recommendations letters done. This was a HUGE accomplishment in the time I had. I didn’t even have their test scores on a spreadsheet before lunch today, and by 2:30pm I had those, along with their Tri 1 and 2 assessment averages entered, in a sorted list, and printed. Then by 3:45 I had all 35 letters finished and in envelopes with students’ names on them. I still can’t really believe I was able to bang those out so quickly. I guess I’ve streamlined the process more than I thought.

I’m extra relieved to have gotten those done because I have a ton on my plate at work this week. Friday is the end of the trimester and my students are turning in a ton of free reading requirements, which means I have to check them and then distribute the appropriate stickers on their free reading bingo boards. Putting the comprehension check in a form (instead of half sheets) was an absolute game changer, and it’s the only thing making this program manageable, but other aspects of my new system are still clunky, and with 120+ kids, no system can make checking this many forms, and activities and reading responses easy or fast. My classes started a movie on Monday because I was sick and thank goodness I was forced into that because I not only need the time to give out stickers, but I also need to not be scoring any other work right now.

Seriously, I’m so happy we didn’t have to meet for our staff meeting today. So, so happy.

I’m realizing this is my first MRI, so I’m going to go read a little about what to expect. I really, really hope it goes well and that I get good news tomorrow…

The highs and lows this weekend were pretty extreme. I’m really hoping this next week is calmer, more even keeled.

Friday

HIGHS:

I got my Spanish 1B tests graded. This was a massive accomplishment and it allowed me to put down a big weight I had been carrying. I was really excited to get them done.

I got them done because I didn’t need to take my son to the dojo (he had been sick at home that day) and because my husband was covering with the kids upstairs. Then my husband and I started the new season of True Detective Night Country and loved it. I can’t wait to keep watching.

LOWS: I had to work until 8:30pm on Friday night to get those tests graded. Not the best way to start the weekend, but I was glad to be done with them.

Saturday

HIGH:

My son was feeling a lot better, and my knee was feeling a lot better, so I asked my friends if they still wanted to come over Saturday night. I had actually asked them a lot earlier, and then cancelled because of my knee, but then reinvited them, but then cancelled again because of my son. But then Saturday morning he seemed so much better and no one else seemed sick so I asked if they still wanted to come, warning them that I couldn’t be sure the stomach bug wasn’t still circulating. They decided to come and they brought their daughters and we had a great time. It was so good to see them all. I haven’t hung out with them since our trip to Grass Valley for New Years, so it’s been way too long.

Before they came over my son, daughter and I went to the mall to run a few errands. We got my daughter a strapless bra for a dress my mom gave her to wear at her Black and White dance later this month. They were having a Buy 2, Get 1 Free sale so we grabbed two other bras. Then a woman at the cashier next to me handed me a $20 coupon she couldn’t use, which helped a lot. Plus my daughter got to pick out a free lotion. I cannot abide scented lotions, so I never get them and my daughter was very pleased indeed.

At Target I was loath to restock tequila for hosting my friends, because I prefer to buy my tequila at Costco and I knew it would cost way more at Target. How could I let myself run out of tequila?! But then at Target my preferred brand (Cazadores, nothing fancy) was on clearance so the giant bottle that is twice as big as what they sell at Costco actually cost less. I was so stoked! I bought two giant bottles because why not?

We found everything else we wanted at Target (in the right sizes!) and just generally had a good time with each other. It’s rare for my kids to get along that well with each other, and me, on a trip like that so we all declared it, “A W!” (as the young people say). It was nice to have such a fun experience with them.

LOWS:

About five hours after everyone left on Saturday evening my daughter projectile vomited all over the bathroom. The toilet lid was down so none of it got where it needed to go. Then she used the sink, which got clogged, so at 2:30am I was cleaning copious amounts of throw up AND taking the U-pipe out of the bathroom sink to declog it (but not after I used the sink plunger, which filled the sink with a horrible black sludge.) It was a really shitty way to spend such early morning hours. It was really, really rough.

{A silver lining was that clearing the bathroom sink ended up being really easy once I got the U-pipe off. Sometimes it can take a full hour for me to declog it, but this time it was super fast. I really appreciated that.}

Sunday

HIGHS:

Sunday I had book club. I wasn’t sure if I should go with my daughter going down with the sickness, but I felt fine and asked them all and they said I should come, so I did. It was really nice to see them, and have adult conversations about all kinds of things, especially the book we read, There There by Tommy Orange. It was an amazing book, and now I really want to read his latest book which just came out and is evidently a kind of prequel and sequel of one of the stories in There There.

My son and I put up these wall mounts to display his mini-funko pops. We’ve been waiting for them for several months (long, boring story), so it was nice to finally do it! And they look great!

Also, the cargo carrier came, along with the hitch adapter. I was really unsure if the hitch adapter would fit, but it does – perfectly! – and I’m relieved because the hitch on our car is kind of weirdly placed and I was worried that if this adapter didn’t fit, nothing else would either.

My son and I did some martial arts work together, which I appreciated because we always say we’re going to but we rarely actually do it. We practiced bars and weaves and started learning his new form. My knee is feeling a lot better, so I was able to do most of it, just without such low stances. I have my appointment today and I still plan to go to it, so I’ll be able to ask her what I can and can’t do (or should and shouldn’t do) moving forward.

LOWS:

Around 7pm I started feeling queasy and by 8:00pm I was in the bathroom feeling absolutely awful. A couple of those hours were just a nightmare, especially since I still can’t kneel on my knee. I haven’t been that sick in a long time. But by 11pm I was feeling much better and was able to leave the bathroom rug for my bed. I never got sick again all night, and while I didn’t sleep great, I never felt horrible again.

This morning a friend texted to say she had it. She was at my house on Saturday and at book club on Sunday. I really hope we didn’t get anyone else sick. I would feel awful, even if people did know what was up and either came to my house or told me to join Book Club. I shouldn’t have had people over and I shouldn’t have met with other people. I know how contagious stomach bugs like that can be. I just really hope my one friend is the only one who has to suffer like we did. And I hate that she does have to suffer! She seems to have it worse than any of us did. We were all bad for about 3-4 hours and then felt relatively okay for another 12-16 hours. I actually feel “fine” today. I’m not 100%, but I don’t feel nauseous at all. I’ve even eaten Saltines and there were no adverse affects. But my friend got sick around 5am and still feels horrible. Blerg. I feel so bad.

My husband and I both were realizing last night that we’d only been back for a full week that evening. After an a great initial three days back (Friday, plus the weekend) the rest of the week was pretty rough, starting with my busted knee on Tuesday night and ending with my son’s throwing up all last night. Whew, I’m glad it’s Friday. And here are a couple updates. Five in fact.

My knee. It’s A LOT better. Every day it’s been less sore and felt more secure. I’m still wearing the brace to make sure I don’t over do it, but I’m feeling pretty confident that I haven’t torn my meniscus or my ACL. I just think either of those injuries would hurt a lot more than this does. My current guess is that I just sprained it, or tore my quad muscle. The only spot that is still swollen is right above my knee. So I’m feeling really hopeful that it’s not nearly as bad as I originally feared. I’m even hoping I can still participate in my belt test next month.

Doctor’s appointment. I have one for Monday, but the latest they have is 2:30, which means I’d have to miss my last two classes. These are really hard classes to miss because almost no teachers have preps during those periods (during 5th only ONE teacher has prep! ONE!) I put in for a sub, but if no one takes my classes I’ll probably have to cancel. I’m wondering how bad it would be if I have to cancel. This is where I’d love some advice. If my knee just keeps feeling better, is seeing the doctor necessary? Especially if I suspect I will not be offered an MRI (because my knee is feeling better). If you have any thoughts on this please let me know.

Sitting workouts. They are a thing! Thank you JJ for alerting me to that fact because I searched for some (specifically for knee injuries) and found a bunch and immediately felt better just knowing they were there. I did a short one last night and I could definitely feel a difference in my emotional state afterward. Feeling like my knee was not as injured as I thought helped, but getting my heart rate up helped more. I just really need that release.

Knee braces. I immediately ordered a knee brace (one a friend suggested based on her experience) and it came Wednesday. I’ve been wearing it since then, when I need to walk around. At first I used it for lateral stability, and then to make sure I didn’t over extend my knee (which still really hurts) and now just to make sure I don’t walk around like everything is fine (because it’s not, sometimes I come down on it in a certain way and get a sharp pang, so I definitely still need to be careful). I got one with hinges and one without (for continued use when I’m at the dojo). And then I didn’t get anything else! I almost got a sleeve and another ice pack at Kaiser when I was picking up my prescriptions, but I put them back. And I almost got a cotton-lycra sleeve to wear under the brace, but then I found a pair of my daughter’s old leggings and I cut each leg off and that are perfect because they are so small that they are tight, and they stay on and up and are literally exactly what I need. I’m so proud of myself for not buying a million things when this happened. I’m also proud that I kept enough of our old ice packs and ice pack holders, to not need to get more. Yay me.

My husband. He’s been struggling with this. He seems really angry at the dojo. He keeps asking me if other people have been injured (yes, of course) and what the liability waiver looks like. At first I understood, but he just keeps bringing it up and it’s starting to annoy me. Martial arts is a contact sport. Of course there is a chance that you’ll be injured. There is a change you’ll be injured in any sport, and even more so in contact sports. I have always felt VERY safe at the dojo. It’s a teaching dojo, not a competitive dojo. We spar to teach and learn, not to best each other or win. There are no points. I’m just really not sure where all this is coming from.

I’ve also found myself not asking for things because I don’t want to put him out. I think this is partly because I just hate asking for help, partly because I know he specifically can’t usually take on more than he is used to, and partly because he’s being so negative about how this happened. It’s not great. Luckily I have never been totally immobilized by this injury – even initially I just needed to walk very slowly and couldn’t stay on my feet long – so I haven’t needed too much help. But still, it sucks to not feel like I could ask for it if I did need it.

{He’s also been really struggling at work again. He was in such a good mood on out trip, but the minute he returned to work he got really down and tired again. It’s clearly work that is making him miserable. Do I really pressure him to ask for medication just so he can better tolerate his job? He’s definitely interested in leaving, but it will take months for that to happen, and this next year will be even worse than normal because it’s an election year and the current mayor is incredibly unpopular, so all her staff are losing their minds and it will only get worse. Just another reason 2024 is going to be shitty.}

Resting. I went to work on Wednesday, but I only taught two classes (one block and Advisory) and then I went home. I spent the rest of the day on the couch, with my knee up, icing it every other 20 minutes. It was really nice to give myself that time, and since I had long prep on Wednesday, it only “cost” me 90 minutes (for the staff meeting I missed). Thursday was really rough – I had four block periods, I missed my first break while the 8th graders were finishing a test, then my second break doing supervision duty, then my lunch letting kids in because of the rain. I got no breaks all day long, and I was on my feet a lot. I also had to do a ton of driving after work (which isn’t so bad because my car is electric and has a drive setting that basically brakes for you (to generate power) the minute you take your foot off the gas – it’s been so helpful). So I was REALLY glad to get some rest on Wednesday. I hope to get some more this weekend, especially since my son is now sick!

Right when I got hurt, I was immediately thinking of big picture things I might not be able to do – mostly my belt test. But Wednesday morning, when I got up to make the kids’ lunches, I realized how hard everything else was going to be, and what a pain in the ass just shuffling from one area to another was. I kept forgetting things and cursing the need to double back. It’s been really hard, and my injury is super low key! I’m fairly mobile! I can’t imagine how hard it would be with a more serious injury that made moving around difficult to impossible. I’m so grateful that mine wasn’t that bad.

And with that I gotta just hit publish on this thing otherwise it will never go up. I’ve been working on it all day…

Aak! I meant to thank everyone for their thoughts and advice on the last knee post. I really appreciated them! Thank you! I take all your insights to heart.

We interrupt our CDMX series for a quick recap on the weekend. It’s been a beautiful couple of days, and I’m sooooo glad I had them after our trip, and before returning to work.

Friday was a get some stuff done day and I did, indeed get some stuff done. I got everything from Friday’s post done except the work stuff. It is 11pm on Sunday night and I have still not opened my work browser. Oops! Oh well. I’ll have an hour before the kids come in tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll get through the day. I have my copies made at least! Woot! I’m a little annoyed at myself for not getting any work done, but it obviously wasn’t a priority for me so I’m going to accept that and move on.

But I did get to Costco, my husband and I talked about the coming weeks, I got one short and one long CDMX post published and I wrote most of Day 2’s post (I worked on it for almost an hour and it’s not done yet! – this project will definitely take longer than I initially expected), and I did my weight training. The weight training was so successful that I’ve barely been able to walk for the past 48 hours! I’m legs are so sore. I guess a 20 minute Lower Body class with 20lb weights was not the way to get back into it. Though the 10 minute chest and back, and 10 minute arms and shoulders didn’t take me out and they felt hard at the time. I’m really hoping my legs feel better tomorrow because hobbling around work will not be awesome.

Saturday I had to wake up at 6am to get my daughter to school for a robotics tournament. I tried to fall asleep after I got back at 7:15 but it didn’t happen. So I just got on with chores and stuff around the house. And I spent some time on my CDMX Day 2 post (which I hope will be up soon).

Then I went to the dojo. Luckily my legs weren’t hurting too badly yet, so I was able to participate in all the classes. The forms class was a little daunting because I realized that everyone else who is testing with me in April knows the form really well and I’ve only learned about 1/3 of it. It’s a really long form and I have a lot of work to do on it. I need to step up my efforts, considerably.

Saturday was a super beautiful day – sunny and the high was 70! I was a little bummed to be in the dojo for the best hours of it. My husband and son walked down to the dojo to get outside and we all walked home together. It was nice to be outside before the sun went down.

At home we played a game together and later that evening my son and I watched a movie. Oh and I got all the patches sewn on the gi’s. That was actually a lot of work and I’m so glad it’s done. My husband and I started a charmingly odd Italian movie on Friday night, but I was so zonked and had to wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday so we stopped it early, and finished it Saturday night. All in all, Saturday was a super chill day.

Sunday I slept in until 10am! This was not the plan. I definitely woke up at 8am, when my husband got up to be with out son upstairs, but I must have passed out again because when I checked my phone again it was 9:57am. I guess I needed the sleep!

Sunday was supposed to be cloudy and a lot cooler than Saturday, but when I got up it was sunny and beautiful so I decided to take my son and a friend to the Great Highway again. Luckily the same friend was available, and this time I brought stuff to play in the sand afterward. My legs were very sore, but I could still run. It hurt, but less than walking. I’m hoping getting out on them will help them to feel better faster.

Being out in the sun and beautiful weather just felt so, so good. The kids had a great time and I was so happy to be running. I love when it works out for me to run while the kids bike on the weekend. It was awesome and I was so happy it worked out, that the weather held and the friend was available, and my sore legs were manageable. Also, my daughter had a friend over at home and VERY much appreciated me getting her brother out of the house. Hooray!

After the run/ride, we locked the bikes near the car and brought some sand toys down by the water. I realized all that sand would be a perfect spot to practice my form, which I worked on for over an hour. I REALLY needed the solo practice, and am SO glad I was doing it on a sunny beach, with the waves crashing around me, instead of in my backyard, where the sun still doesn’t reach the patio at this time of year. It was just a really amazing way to get something done I very much had to do, and to kill the time on the beach while the boys played.

And they did play! For almost two hours! Without any complaining! My son doesn’t really love sand so I expected he’d last a short time, but by 4pm I was telling them we had to leave. We packed everything up, got the bikes back on the car, and headed home.

The rest of the night was normal Sunday chore stuff. My son took a bath, I took a shower, the kids made their lunches, my son finished his math homework, my daughter read a book, my husband cooked dinner and I did the dishes. We finished it off watching a 40 minute documentary called Voyage of Time. It was pretty stunning, and our black cat was SUPER interested in all the sounds and images. We watched most of it like this:

And because I haven’t posted photos of these cats in a while, here are a few more. We really missed them on our trip and have been enjoying them a lot since we’ve been home.

It really was a nice weekend. Today (Sunday) especially was a really nice day. I love when it works out for me to take one kid out so another kid can have the house to themselves with a friend. I love when I can get what I need (a run) and my kid can get what they need (a ride and time with a friend). I love when the weather makes being outside feel amazing. I love when I’m in a space for the time I need to get something done I had to do anyway, and that the space and time make doing it that much more pleasant. I just love when it all comes together, and today it did.

Now it’s almost midnight and I NEED to get to sleep so I can have a decent first day back at work tomorrow. There is no way it will be as perfect as today, but it could be great. Or good at least. 😉