Not a Wasted Word

My summer break is officially over. Today (Thursday, so probably yesterday by the time you read this) is my first official day back at work. We don’t have any students, just meetings and work time.

The past couple week has been busy. My sister was in town and that created a layer of stress and feelings of time scarcity that I’m not used to at the end of summer break (she usually comes in January, which is not ideal either). I found myself packing most days with tasks, in an attempt to gain some control over my life when my emotions felt big and overwhelming. Some of those tasks were:

• Packed the snorkel set and booties in the shed (UNDER the winter boots and clothes boxes)
• Packed away all the luggage and packing cubes
• Packed away the summer clothes (we definitely won’t be wearing any of it anymore here, during the coolest summer on record)
• Deep cleaned the car (inside and out) with the kids (they mostly cleaned and I mostly supervised)
• Washed all the swim wear
• Washed the couch and cat cushion covers
• Got my allergy shot
• Was seen by a dermatologist! (via my new GP, who I like very much!)
• Picked up two new prescriptions (new sulfur face wash and lower dose estrogen patch (breast tenderness was bothering me)
• Got the 11yo’s sports physical done and athletic release form completed
• Took both kids to the get their teeth cleaned
• Signed myself up as a new patient at the kids’ dentist
• Spent time with my sister eight of the nine days we both in town (this was exhausting, and put a strain on family stuff at home)
• Taught three straight hours of classes at the dojo on Monday
• Started a WhatsApp group for families from the 11yo’s elementary school that are also moving on to his middle school (if you knew anything about my WhatsApp group participation, you’d know out of character this is for me)
• Provided references for my student teacher who applied to a last minute Spanish position opening at the other middle school (SHE GOT THE JOB! WOOT!)
• Washed and folded so, so, SO MUCH laundry
• Cut the 15yo’s hair (we’re both really pleased by how it turned out!)
• Cut the 11yo’s hair (it’s still growing on both of us)
• Completed one (of the four) training modules I need to finish by October 3 (Bloodborne Pathogens)
• Unpacked and washed five new Bentgos (the 11yo is using the bigger ones now – I got them from Costco years ago and they’ve been waiting in a box in my garage for this moment)
• Took the 11yo to the batting cages, to get a baseball bat (HOW ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE!?), to hit balls with a friend at a park, and to batting practice with a coach (twice!)

Some things I’m still hoping to do before students walk into my classroom:

• Finish Little Bosses Everywhere: How the Pyramid Scheme Shaped America (it might already be late and we can’t renew it – I’m almost done!)
• Read The Bright Years (this doesn’t have to be done by Wednesday, but if I haven’t made a bit dent in it by then, I probably won’t finish it and it also can’t be renewed)
• Complete the other three training modules (Mandated Reporter, Sexual Harassment, and Respectful Staff/Student Boundaries)
• Do a Costco run (I’ve gone twice in two weeks but still need a few things!) – (Did this this afternoon!)
• Take the 11yo to his 6th grade orientation on Friday at 3pm (we finally got the information on this YESTERDAY! ::all the face palms::)
• Spend four hours at the dojo on Saturday.
• Do some work on Sunday, to make up for leaving early on Friday.

Today at work (I started this post yesterday, wrote some this morning, and now am finishing it at 9pm Thursday evening), I was a scattered mess. All the furniture was pushed against a side of the room, and it took me forever to start moving it around. I stopped and started a million tasks today, my attention was all over the place and my focus was non-existent. I really hope tomorrow is better.

But! Not all is lost! I did some planning today while the 11yo was working with the batting coach. I paid the 15yo to put colored tape flags on pencils for me and she did ALL SIX CLASSES! That is 180 pencils! She actually enjoyed the repetitive activity and very much appreciated the money I paid her for doing it. Not having to tear 180 pieces of duct tape and carefully wrap them around the tops of pencils? PRICELESS! She’s about to come down to do the Sexual Harassment training module with me, which will make it way more fun, instead of an absolute slog. I’m also relieved to have cut the 11yo’s hair (this just happened) – it was my first time attempting a no-clippers hair cut for him, and I think it turned out okay (I’m sure I’ll like it better after he sleeps on it and washes it).

The biggest positive is that I bought a TV for my classroom! This may seem excessive, as the school provides one that works (and I’ll still have that one), but when they installed the “cooling system” (which seems to do what it’s name suggests!), they had to take down the old, broken TV that has been mounted on my wall for five years (the one that works is on a stand). I requested they leave the mount up, which they did, so now I can put up my own TV there, so I’ll have two! They’ll be projecting the same images (I have an HDMI splitter) – the second TV will just be a lot easier for a good portion of the room to see (the one on the stand is just not very tall). I’ve been dreaming of having two working TVs in my room for years, and hopefully tomorrow I will make that dream a reality. I found a nice 55″ flat screen on sale for under $300 (with taxes), and I bought it today. Tomorrow I just have to get it up on the mount. I am REALLY excited.

Well, the 15yo and I just finished my Sexual Harassment training. It was a new module, and instead of being kind of awful and cringy (what she was hoping for), it was really well done and thoughtful. While she was a little bummed out that we didn’t get to laugh at all the ridiculously overdone examples of sexual harassment, she appreciated the examples with queer and transgender people being portrayed realistically and respectfully. It was definitely more interesting to complete the training with her – we had some interesting conversations!

Well this post has been all over the place. Welcome to my brain at the start of school! I don’t know if I’ve ever just shown up on the first required work day, without having stepped foot in my classroom at least a couple times over the summer. I definitely felt stressed out today, but I don’t think I could have managed just showing up like that without doing some work before hand in the past. I really do think my baseline stress levels are a little lower right now, from the HRT and quality sleep. I’m still very grateful for how decent I have been feeling!

It’s August 6th today. How can that be? Every school year I can’t believe when we make it to the end, and then every summer I can’t believe how short it feels. Except in the middle of it, it feels expansive, and I try to remember that.

The end of this summer has brought some unexpected emotional complications. The night before we left for Maui, my mom called sobbing to tell me that one of her best friends, who was a close family friend, had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. She was only in her mid-60s. My mom was (and is) obviously devastated. I was very sad. We were supposed to see her at dinner at my parents’ house right after our trip and I couldn’t wait to tell her about staying at the Bass Pro Shop pyramid. She would have loved that kitschy shit so much. I can just hear her cackling about it.

I spent much of that night crying, but I didn’t tell the kids. I still haven’t told them actually. I meant to yesterday, but then it didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll tell them on the drive up. (They knew her, but weren’t super close with her, mostly I think it will freak them out how she died so suddenly – while walking her dog! – and make them feel anxious that it could happen to anyone else they know. I know it’s brought sudden mortality to my mindset this past week.) Her loss brought a bittersweetness to our week in Maui, and I thought often about how much she would have loved to see pictures of all the fish and sea turtles. She had so much travel planned for the next few years, and my heart breaks for her that she won’t be going on any of those trips.

How does one follow the last few paragraphs? With mundane shit I guess, because that is what loss and grief are, pain that follow you through your every day life, which still has to be lived.

…

Today we drive up to Guerneville for two nights at an AirBnb cabin and a day of floating on the Russian River with my sister, who is in town from London, and my parents and kids. The husband will be staying home for this little trip; he just can’t miss anymore work.

After this trip, summer break is pretty much over.

I have to admit, I am not excited about this trip to the river. My sister and I have a complicated relationship. My parents are getting older, and it can feel hard to be around my mom especially when she’s feeling anxious about forgetting something. My sister is not what I would consider a “chill” person and my dad expresses his frustration quickly and angrily. Add onto these dynamics the loss of our close family friend, and it feels like a recipe for intensity. Also my kids will be there, which means I’ll be responsible for creating and maintaining behavioral and emotional boundaries around them.

Obviously I think there is a chance things could go okay, or I would have cancelled the trip, but I’m definitely steeling myself for ways it could unravel. There are moments when I’m really looking forward to the actual float trip (we rented tubes and the weather is supposed to be damn near perfect), and other moments when I remind myself that we have are own car and can leave if we need to at any time.

I’m also thinking a fair amount about next week, which is busy at the beginning and then back to work (for me) at the end!

The beginning of next week is busy because the kids and I have a bunch of appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have my allergy shot, and a doctor’s appointment about my rosacea (which of course looks much better now – but I’m still going to go in for it). Both kids have dentist appointments (I didn’t have to reschedule the ones I made six months ago!) and the 11yo has his well visit/school sports release form visit (plus at least one vaccination, which I’m eager for him to get now, before coverage for vaccinations changes). I will be driving back and forth between two Kaiser buildings and the dentist basically all day for two days, but it’s worth it to get all this stuff done and out of the way.

Oh, and the 11yo has a coaching session at the batting cages on Tuesday afternoon. I just want him to feel comfortable enough with his basic skills that try outs aren’t super stressful for him. He’s gone to a couple weeks of Giants Baseball Camp over the years, but he’s never played on a team before. We got him a rebounding net and he’s spent several hours a week in our backyard, practicing his throwing and catching skills. The improvements he’s made is really noticeable! I hope a couple sessions with a batting coach, and some independent batting cage practice, will get him to feel better about those skills as well.

We still haven’t heard anything from his school about a 6th grade welcome day. They start a week from this coming Monday, so it would have to happen next week, and I’m worried it will be when I’m back at work (on Thursday or Friday). Mostly I just want him to be able to walk his schedule – his middle school building is MUCH bigger than his elementary school, and his schedule will be way more complicated.

I, of course, have accomplished a few things before school starts, so I can feel at least a little bit in control.

The 11yo has a new backpack for his new school. Last year’s backpack actually held up really well and I wouldn’t have gotten him a new one, except both are from Costco so their combined total is something like $60. The 15yo is keeping her much more expensive North Face backpack another year.

They both have new shoes – two new pairs of Converse for the 15yo (purchased on deep discount) and two new pairs of Jordans for the 11yo (I might hold the high tops until his birthday, because his old high tops still fit and aren’t in horrible shape).

I got them both new planners (Planner #1 recommend by SHU this week here) and I hope that checking in with them about their planners once a day will (a) happen and (b) inspire meaningful conversations about how their school years are going.

UPDATE: We’re up in Guerneville. Everyone loved the AirBnB. There is one more bed than we thought and the 15yo loves the couch bed (I’m sharing a bed with the 11yo in the room with the couch bed) my parents get a room with an en suite and my sister gets her own room too. Dinner was intense, but everyone liked their food and we all survived the time together. I think tomorrow will be fun. I’ll update again once we’re home.

Yesterday the 15yo and I went on our Discovery Dive. We got into the water at 2:00 in Lahaina. When we got back to the dive shop at 3:30pm, our phones were blowing up with Emergency Alerts and text messages about the tsunami warning.

The traffic out of Lahaina, on the north west side of the island, was bad. It took us twice as long to drive home as it had to drive up.

When we got to the house everyone was gone, except the husband and the 11yo, who were waiting for us with all our stuff packed. We threw all our luggage, and some food, in the car and left for higher ground.

At 5:20 pm, we met our friends at a distillery/restaurant on a hill in the middle of the island. We were not the only people who had chosen the spot to wait out the tsunami warning. Honestly, it was kind of an idyllic space. We ordered some food and hunkered down for what we knew would be a long wait.

By 7:00pm, most people were standing at the edge of the clearing, looking down at the water on either side of the isthmus, wondering if the waves would be visible.

The Emergency Alerts we were all getting every hour, and then every half hour, said the waves were expected to hit at 7:10pm. That time came and went without any updates. By 8:30pm it was clear that we weren’t going to have definitive information anytime soon.

The distillery closed at 7pm, but they let people stay until 9pm if they didn’t have anywhere else to go. At that point we still didn’t feel safe going back to the house, so we drove to the Safeway parking lot in the middle of the island.

By 10:39pm, after watching the local news on our phones and monitoring buoy measurements, we felt reasonably sure we could head back to the property. We had to unpack all our stuff again, and get the kids into bed.

The adults stayed up past midnight, until the emergency was officially downgraded. Then we headed to bed.

And that is how we managed the tsunami warning on Maui yesterday.

More updates on our trip, and some other stuff, soon.

I did it! If you’re reading this post it means I got it written and published! Wooo hoooo! (I’m literally posting this as our flight to Maui taxis out to the runway.)

Monday

Drive to Memphis, Lambert’s Throwed Rolls, Big Cypress Lodge at the Memphis Bass Pro Shop Pyramid

My cousin drives the 55 South corridor a fair amount and suggested we stop at a bakery to get donuts right next to a sausage shop that touts 40 different flavors of brauts. Neither spots disappointed and you better believe we bought a box of meat sticks and some sample flavors for the road.

An hour later we were stopping at Lambert’s the home of the throwed (sic) rolls. I had never heard of it before, but evidently people come from miles around to eat their food and catch piping hot rolls that are thrown to anyone with their hands up. It’s a whole thing!

The rolls were super hot and fluffy and delicious, and most people who put their hands up caught them, including the husband and the 11yo! The 15yo came very close. I ordered chicken and dumplings and they were just like my grandmother used to make, which I very much appreciated.

The drive from St. Louis to Memphis is about 4.5 hours and we didn’t spend much more than that on the road. We did drive through some rain that made me nervous, and we very impressed by the Arkansas Visitor’s Center that we stopped at. We crossed into Tennessee over the Mississippi river, where we almost immediately spotted the Memphis Bass Pro Shop Pyramid.

I honestly don’t have a coherent story for why my kids got into Bass Pro Shops last year, I just know that we stopped at a big on in St. Louis twice last summer, and on one of those visits the 11yo was wooed by a time share salesman who showed him pictures of the Great Cypress Lodge in the Memphis Pyramid. So when my husband mentioned wanting to tack on a trip to Memphis to this year’s St. Louis visit, I told him we’d have to stay at the pyramid. He was skeptical (for all the reasons you probably are), but we splurged on it and it ended up being a ton of fun.

On the way down, we listened to a 99% Invisible episode about the history of the Memphis Pyramid, and it was such a great way to get ready for our visit. We also listened to a bonus episode with a walking tour of Memphis, that provided other fun moments throughout the trip.

We arrived at the hotel at 5pm, which means we could check in. Our room faced the inside of the pyramid, so we had a deck that faced out over the giant Bass Pro Shop store, and the largest free standing elevator in the nation, which takes you to a restaurant and lookout area at the top.

We don’t stay at hotels much, but we definitely recognized right away that this room was much nicer than we are used to. The room itself was big. The bathroom was massive, and it had a giant shower and a HUGE jacuzzi tub, next to a window that looked out into the rest of the room (there were curtains to provide privacy). We definitely went crazy over the room.

We took the shuttle into downtown, walked around Beele Street and by the Riverfront, before heading out to eat at The Green Beetle, the oldest tavern in Memphis, for some amazing burgers and BBQ. I even got a couple of drinks, since I didn’t have to drive back!

We slept very well that first night, especially since no sunlight could enter our room!

Tuesday

Sun Records Studio Tour, Metal Museum, Stax Studios Museum, Peabody Ducks, Lookout at the Pyramid

Our kids are selective eaters, and in the past we’ve always had breakfast at the hotel, but this trip, since both kids have been sleeping in, we decided to have two big meals out every day, one at a brunch spot with pancake/waffle options for the kids, and dinner at BBQ spot. This served us well and every meal in Memphis was really wonderful (because my husband does a lot of work researching places).

Our first stop on our first full day in Memphis was Sun Records Studio, where Elvis Presley, Johnny Cash, Jerry Lee Lewis, and many others got their start. The tour was short, but very interesting. There was tons of memorabalia, and at the end every one was invited to hold and take a picture with the actual microphone that all those famous people sang into.

After brunch and the Sun Studios tour, we headed to the Metal Museum, which houses many incredible metal sculptures, both inside and around the garden.

We were pretty hot after walking around in the sculpture garden, and the park across the street, so we headed to Stax, a recording label turned museum. This space was much bigger and more developed, and it was self guided. There was a lot to see here, especially if you’re an Isaac Hayes fan.

At this point we were pretty tired, but we realized we could make it to see the Peabody Ducks at 5pm, so we headed to the Peabody hotel to snag spots.

Truly, every city in America has something bonkerballs to offer!

The last thing we did on our first full day (so full!), after getting BBQ at a spot so intense that all our clothes were permeated by a smokey BBQ smell, was to visit the lookouts at the top of the pyramid.

Wednesday

National Civil Rights Museum, Memphis Botanic Gardens, Bass Pro Shop

I started our second full day in Memphis at the Fitness Center. I used this crazy elliptical, then used the weight lifting machines, since I never have access to them at home.

As a family, we started our second day at the National Civil Rights Museum. My husband had been before and prepped the kids on how intense it was going to be. It’s located at the motel where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. The museum is really well put together, with an impressive amount of images and information. It took us over three hours to walk the entire museum. It created a significant emotional impact, especially the recreations of the room MLK Jr was in right before he was shot.

We obviously couldn’t take photos in the museum, but we could take a couple outside.

After that somber experience we wanted to get outside a bit, so we headed to the Memphis Botanic Garden. I honestly didn’t know what to expect at these gardens; St. Louis has an amazing botanical garden and I doubted Memphis could out do them. But I might have loved the Memphis Botanic Garden even more than St. Louis’! It was so pretty and we had a lot of fun walking around in the different areas.

By the time we were done with the gardens it was pretty late. We headed to dinner (Hattie B’s Hot Chicken), where we realized we wouldn’t make bowling back at the pyramid. So the husband and 15yo went back up to the room, while the 11yo (who really wanted to bowl) and I hung out down in America’s largest Bass Pro Shop.

That night I took a bath in the crazy giant jacuzzi bath tub. It’s nice to take a bath in a state where water conservation is not as necessary.

Thursday: Fish Bowl Bowling, Science and History Museum at the Pink Palace, Home (well, Houston)

Our flight on Thursday was in the afternoon so we didn’t have to hurry to check out. After we checked our luggage in with the hotel for the day, we went straight to the Fish Bowl Bowling spot inside the Bass Pro Shop that the 11yo really wanted to visit. I will admit, this space was underwhelming (the pictures in the ads made it look way cooler), but we still had fun blowing for an hour.

After bowling we headed out for our final meal, then headed to the Science and History Museum, mostly because we wanted to stay inside on our last day. This final spot was fine. I didn’t really take many pictures, as I wanted to save my battery for the flights. Or course, we only flew to Houston that night, where we slept until our flight to SF at 5:45am the next morning.

All in all Memphis was a really fun trip for us. It’s a cool city to spend a couple days in, and of course, staying at the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid was a very unique experience, once we won’t soon forget.

The weird thing about summer is how every week is different. Last week the 11yo had camp, which was weirdly in the middle of SF State’s campus and had hard start and end times. The 15yo was home after her two nights away with friends at the lake, and she didn’t leave the house for three days.

This week both are in camps and the combined driving time is monstrous. The 15yo can take the bus, but I haven’t made her do that yet. Probably tomorrow because spending a full hour driving around the city twice a day is making me crazy.

Also this week the in-laws are here (my SIL and her two kids). We stopped by to say hi after camps yesterday, right when they’d gotten in. The cousins are in camps during the day too so we only have the afternoons to see them. I’m not sure how hard we should be attempting to visit as we both fly out Saturday, it might only happen Thursday evening, which is fine.

My sister is in town when we get back from August. And then school starts.

It feel like summer is already over, and we’re on borrowed time. Which isn’t true! We have plenty of weeks left, but I know school will be here in an instant.

We leave for Hawaii on Saturday. There is stuff I need to do, like pick up my ADHD meds, and get my blood work done. I have to return one or two pairs of shoes I got for the 11yo’s start of middle school. I want to finish my library book so I can return it before we leave. I should email the pediatrician with the 11yo’s athletic release because evidently baseball starts the very first week of school. I need to clean the shower, which requires washing the shower liner, which requires at least a day of soaking it, which means it has to be done today or tomorrow. Yesterday I did a big clean on the cat boxes, so I could put the used litter into the trash bin right before pick up. Just little things, but they take time.

I’m trying to be at the dojo a couple times this week because I’m going to miss two Saturdays. My friends and I are getting together Friday night for my birthday (it was the only night we were all free). I want to clean the house a bit. I’m doing more of my husband’s chores since he doesn’t get time off like I do, and is kind of miserable working while we all have a summer break.

I still haven’t worked on the Memphis post. Maybe it won’t go up? And that is fine because no one cares if I post it but me. I could also just add in all the photos I already added to the WP media library with captions and call it. Again, not a real issue, but something that nags at me. Whenever I sit down to work on it, I end writing a different post, like this one.

None of this is bad, it just is, and I’m trying to express it as such. I’m not annoyed by anything, it’s just swirling around in my head.

The weather has been HORRIBLE. Every day is fog so heavy it’s misting. Sometimes the mist is light, but other times, like this morning, it was more like a light rain. The 11yo is in outdoor camp all week on a lake that looks so creepy with the fog pushing in from all sides. It’s weird weather. I’ve heard it’s the coldest summer on record in the Bay Area; my parents have reported it rarely hitting 70 even down where they live, which usually gets much less fog because of the Santa Cruz mountains. After our two weeks in the hot humidity of St. Louis and Memphis, and my bad sun rash, I haven’t been minding this weather as much, but I know it’s making my friends who’ve been in the city all summer really batty.

I wrote some more, but moved it over to another post. I really want to work on the summer fun book – I’m downstairs connected to the big monitor and everything! – so I’m going to put up this smorgasbord of what’s been going on in my head for people to read, if they want to. Sorry it was such a cluttered mess!

[UPDATE – I got 10 pages of the summer fun book done and the first full day of the Memphis post finished. Woor!]

Am I the only one who actually has a HARDER time getting things done when she has larger swaths of free time? I can get a lot done at the end of the work day, when the hours available are finite and easily identifiable. Meanwhile, when I have a week like this with several hours to kill between camp drop off and camp pick up, I am floundering to get much of anything done. There definitely has been some decompression from our trip (I know I’m not the only person who’s ever needed a vacation after their vacation). I didn’t rest much the two weeks between school ending and our trip either… Also, having next week off before Maui is not helping get my butt into gear. And of course, yesterday was my birthday! I’m finding it quite easy to lean into this “how about I just read” or “let’s watch another episode” mentality this week. I rarely get that during the year, and it’s fun to do nothing for a few days. I know it’s a privilege.

Here are a couple things I am trying to get done this week, even if I’m failing.

Summer fun book. I have NEVER made the photo book that immortalizes our week at the farm right after that trip. This year I’m going to attempt it. I think it could be fun because there are little jokes and silly sayings I remember now and can include, that I will never remember next summer. Also, I may decide to do the yearbook again (I know you don’t approve P&R! I haven’t made a definitive decision yet!) and I would love to make that decision knowing the summer fun book is done. I’ve uploaded the photos and picked out the theme, but I haven’t gotten much else done. Still, it’s a start.

Husband’s birthday card(s). Our family likes to joke. A lot. The husband is at the center of most of our nonsense and we’ve decided on what each kid, and I, should do for his cards this year. His birthday is Monday so I probably should get at least my card for him done today. I’m going to insist the 15yo does the same, because she hasn’t gotten dressed in 48 hours, and probably won’t today either. This will get done because there won’t be a lot of opportunity to do it without him seeing this weekend.

Mom’s Storyworth book. Holy shit was it a mistake for me to do this book for my mom. I am YEARS late putting the book together. If I don’t do it this summer it will never get done. I need to re-read all her entries and talk to her about photos she wants to include. She actually asked me about her book on the trip and I was so ashamed I hadn’t put it together for her yet. I need to do this shit NOW.

Working out. You won’t be shocked to learn that I’m getting this done daily. One thing I can manage is deciding that I’m going to work out, and doing so. Today I plan to do a 45 minute Interval & Arms class on the bike, followed by 10 minutes of ab work. And I’m meeting my husband downtown at 5:30, so it will get done before that.

Memphis post + blog comments. I still haven’t written more of the Memphis post I started right when we got home. I’ve also fallen woefully behind commenting on other people’s blogs. I really want to get some of that done today. I know if I don’t write the Memphis post before we leave for Maui I will never write (I never wrote the final two days of our CDMX trip!), so that natural deadline is looming…

And what will I do instead? One reason I didn’t get much done this week, was I was rushing to finish a book before a book talk the library was putting on this afternoon. But it became apparent yesterday that I wasn’t going to finish the book before the gathering, so I’m not going to go. The husband checked out Little Bosses Everywhere and we won’t be able to renew it, so I def want to read that in the next three weeks. Also, the 15yo and I are watching Dept. Q and really liking it. It’s hard to stop once we’ve started, and I love binge watching a show with her. In fact, I’m we’re going to watch an episode right now, instead of doing any of the above! Oops!

But it’s okay. Because we’re both on summer break. 😉

I turn 45 today. 45 feels like a big number. Not sure why. It just feels heavy for some reason, rolling around in my head.

I’m not sad to be turning 45. And I don’t feel old, exactly. Though… when I turned 40 I felt strong, physically. I felt like I still had some of my strongest, most (physically) productive years in front of me. And this was during a global pandemic! But in the past five years I hurt my knee, walked the gauntlet of perimenopause and was diagnosed with a auto-immune disease. It has been humbling, and I no longer expect to “feel good” in the future. I am more determined than ever to work to be strong, but I no longer feel that strength and physical ability are guaranteed. What a charmed life I led that it took until the past few years for me to be humbled by my own body.

Having said all that, right now I do feel strong. And capable. My body is able to do things it hasn’t always been able to do. I’m taking medicine to manage my thyroid issues, and with that under control I can work hard to build muscle and stamina. It feels good to see the results that were, for so many month, inaccessible (for reasons I didn’t understand). It feels good to have a semblance of control, even though I know it’s a facade that can be whisked away at any moment.

The MHT is also helping, I think. I feel… calm? Smooth? It’s almost like an anxious energy has been quieted. It’s hard to describe. An example… when I look around and see a mess or a chore that needs to be done, I think, ah I should do that, but there isn’t the jolt of stress that used to accompany a thought like that. There isn’t the clanging alarm of the obligation, it’s just there and then I get it done and it feels good to accomplish it, and my mind doesn’t automatically start searching for another thing to tackle. It’s like the sharp edges have been rubbed smooth. The weigh of life is still significant, but it’s not cutting into me anymore.

It could just be summer break, but I’ve been on a lot of summer breaks and don’t remember feeling like this.

Maybe it’s the sleep! Which of course I’m getting because of the MHT. The sleep could totally be it.

It could be something else, unrelated to the hormone therapy. But I can’t point to anything else so obvious. I really don’t know. I guess we’ll see when school starts again.

Of course, one reason it isn’t so hard to turn 45, is everything I have in my life. I still have my parents. I have my friends. I just spent some wonderful weeks with my extended family. And of course, I have my own family, the kids I wanted so much. Tonight we’re making popcorn and watching Ready Player One, which we finished listening to on our trip. (Yes, we know the movie isn’t very good.) Sharing books and movies is one of the reasons I was always able to articulate for why I wanted to have kids, and today, on my birthday, I get to do just that. My life is full and I am so grateful for everything I have.

My husband and kids each had a card for me this morning and that is all I have ever wanted on my birthday and it made me so happy. This day has made me feel a lot of conflicted emotions before, but this year I just feel… content.

I know, especially after reading so much about the horrible flooding in Texas, that this life could be gone in an instant. I am aware that the second half of my life, which I’m almost surely entering (if not already several years into) will be defined by goodbyes more than anything. Knowing that doesn’t make today bittersweet, so much as it makes me even more grateful for what I have right now, which is so much.

Anyway, just a quick post to say that I turned 45 today. And life is good.

I have eight full weeks off for summer break and this Monday marks the half way point. Four weeks are behind me and four are still to come. On the one hand I can’t really believe I’ve been away from work for so long. On the other hand, it has been A WHILE since I’ve thought about that part of my life. I really have been able to disconnect this year, and I appreciate that.

The first two weeks of summer were dedicated to crossing A LOT of things off my to-do list. Although, if I’m being honest, I didn’t have most of those tasks on a list coming into the summer break. While I had vague hopes of “riding the productivity wave” of the end of the school year, I did not image I’d get quite so much stuff done. I usually leave for St. Louis with a messy house and a feeling of dread about returning to it, but this year I was really happy with the state of things. And while my husband doesn’t do much cleaning himself, he also doesn’t trash the place when we’re away, so everything was still pretty tidy when we got home. The downstairs especially looked really good, because I hosted book club there a week before the trip.

{I know I need to write separate posts about the farm and our trip to Memphis. I started the Memphis post and it’s going to be LOOONG, with a lot of pictures. I really hope I finish it and get it up. I will say that both went really well and we had a ton of fun, and also it is SOOOOO GOOD to be home. And while I do plan to put up posts about those trips, I wanted to do a little recap of some personal details from the trip, so I have them to remember later.}

A lot of the trip (which I think of in thirds – St. Louis, the farm, Memphis) went well. I remembered EVERY ONE of my morning (thyroid) and evening (progesterone) meds. I also remembered to change my patch every 3-4 days (this was harder). I even remembered my vitamins – and the kids’ – almost (every?) day!

I slept GREAT, way better than I have at home at any point this past year. (MHT FOR THE MASSIVE WIN!) Usually I sleep poorly when I travel, so sleeping better than normal was very weird. I suspect the read eye got us on midwest time quickly, as we were all able to fall asleep really early that first real night in St. Louis, and then I was waking up at 7-7:30am St. Louis time (so 5-5:30am my time), but I still felt really rested. Waking. up that early helped with another thing that went well, working out.

I did five pretty intense workouts the M-F before our trip, in an attempt to front load a little before we traveled. During the first third of the trip (St. Louis without my husband), I ran (and did upper body/core) twice and did a 30 minute strength class once. I never ran at the farm (maybe my first year?) because it was dry, hot, and VERY dusty;every morning when I woke up at 7am asking myself if I wanted to get up and run, the answer was always no, so I honored that. I did swim across the quarry and back once, which I thought would be fun, but was actually super tiring so I guess I can count that as somewhat of a workout, but meh, I feel like I didn’t work out at all the second third (the farm with extended family) of the trip. Then I ran again before we left for Memphis, and spent an hour at the Fitness Center of the hotel one morning, using the weight machines because I never have access to them and thought, why not? So I worked out twice in the last third (Memphis with my family). That is five hour plus workouts during a 13 day trip. I’m pretty proud of that! Especially since it was hitting “feels like” 85+ by 8:30am most mornings, and that is WARM for me to be running outside. I worked out Friday, Sat, and Sun this weekend, which means I worked out 13 times in the three weeks that included our trip, which I’m proud of.

Other things that went well… The kids did a great job. They both felt WAY easier than they have in the past. They were interested and engages during MANY museum visits. They were willing to go outside their comfort zones with some foods (not far outside, but still progress!). The husband and I got along well. Our rental car was a mid-size SUV – I do not remember being the case at all! – which was really helpful because we were in the car a lot and it helped to have all that space on the drive to Memphis. We got to see cousins a ton, but it never felt like too much. The weather always cooperated (though many times it was forecast to NOT cooperate, so we appreciated it when it did).

But it wasn’t all wonderful! Staying at my uncle’s house this year felt kind of fraught. My cousin was coming to stay at his dad’s house during the three nights we were at the farm, so we had to pack up everything and cram it in the one room they don’t use, and make sure our two rooms, and the bathroom, were in pristine condition before we left for the long weekend. Their washing machine broke the day we arrived and the replacement arrived damaged so we had to go to a Laundromat late one night to wash our clothes (OMG the cockroaches! Eek!)

We were back at my uncle’s house (from the farm) by 2pm on Sunday and that night was kind of a shit show. The cousin who had been at my uncle’s house left his two kids there for our final night, which means we had to switch around the rooms. My parents took our room and we got the old master which has a futon for the kids. But my a lot of my parents’ stuff was still in the master, and they would be sleeping in that room again their final night so they spent most of our final walking in and out, either looking for things (my mom) or just forgetting that it wasn’t their space anymore (my dad). One of my cousin’s kids kept puking, but everyone assured us it was nerves. Before we could all shower the water went out, then the electricity went out! By the time I had folded our clothes and gotten into bed (the water and electricity had returned), I was REALLY ready to get out of there.

My rosacea was REALLY bad in St. Louis. It still is the worst it’s ever been, despite using my Rx cream continually for over two weeks. I have red spots ALL OVER my face, not just on my cheeks and nose, my chin and forehead are covered too. It honestly might be something else, and not rosacea? But the stuff on my cheeks and nose looks so familiar, it’s just the rest of it that I’m not used to. I also got sun rash BAD this trip. It wasn’t just on the tops of my legs, where I usually get it, but across my chest and down my arms and down both legs. My skin was raised, red and angry pretty much the whole trip, despite constant oral and nasal antihistamines and rubbing cortizone with aloe all over my body every day. It truly sucked. (Sun rash is relatively new for me, and it seems to get worse every time I experience it – I will definitely be dressing accordingly when I swim in Hawaii this summer and in St. Louis next summer).

I did a horrible job packing for myself – both clothes and toiletries. I brought way too much of everything and felt stressed about space the whole time. The good news is I will be making significantly better choices for the trip to Hawaii.

Finally, flying back was a disaster. Our first flight was delayed several hours and we missed our connecting flight. We knew there were no more flights to San Francisco that night, but were surprised to learn that the only flights they could get all four of us on the next day were at 5:45am and 5pm. We opted for the early flight, and were already planning on sleeping in Houston’s airport even before it took until 1am to get someone from United on the phone about the hotel voucher. At first I set up shop on the floor in a little nook behind a check-in desk, but luckily the husband walked all the way into another terminal while on hold with the airline, and found some beautiful couch things for us to sleep on. We each got a couple choppy hours of sleep. It sucked, but what could we do?

We were at our house by 8am Friday morning. The 11yo and I were able to sleep a bit when we got home. The 15yo and the husband didn’t manage much. The husband was planning on attending some meetings virtually, but only logged on for a 9am. We were all in pretty rough shape. I was supposed to teach a class at the dojo that afternoon, but thank the heavens my friend ended up being around to cover me. Friday was kind of lost to exhaustion, much like the first Saturday of our trip. Friday night the kids and I saw Superman (I bought these tickets in Memphis before the flight fiasco), and while I was dreading it, it ended up being a great way to stay awake until a reasonable hour. Definitely a fun movie to see on opening night with big Superman fans.

Oh, I almost forgot! Friday afternoon, when I pulled out of the garage to get milk, I realized our front tire was flat, as in the rim was hitting the floor. The husband drove the car home after dropping us at the airport and never touched it again so we weren’t sure what happened. Also the downstairs tub wasn’t draining. You can imagine how sleep-deprived-me manage all this on Friday. (::cough cough:: not well). But on Saturday I was able to fill the tire up with my bike pump and it didn’t lose any PSI wile I was at the dojo, so I drove it to a repair appointment at the Costco where I got it put on less than three months ago and they fixed it for free (there was a screw in it). Also I plunged the bathtub and was able to pull a bunch of hair and junk out of the drain (even though it’s ALWAYS covered with a catcher), and now it’s draining fine. Seriously, I’m so relieved neither was an actual issue.

Since then things have been better. I changed all the beds on Sunday night which was divine. Today (Monday), I ran errands after dropping the 11yo at basketball camp, came home and made pancakes for the 11yo’s camp lunches, then taught a couple classes at the dojo. It was a nice mixture of feeling productive and chilling out. The 15yo left for two nights at a lake house with her besties on Sunday and it’s been really nice for her (and us!) to get some time away from family.

This week is more of getting stuff done, but also not doing much. Next week as well. I am here for it! Then it’s Hawaii, and finally my sister is in town for the week before I go back to work. The end of summer is just around the corner, but I’m trying to avert my eyes and enjoy some languid days before the back-to-school rush.

And oh boy did that end up being a long post. I hope I get Memphis up later this week. Crossing my fingers!!!!!

We always go to “the farm” over 4th of July, but we usually spent more time in St. Louis, to see my cousin and her kids, who live in Charleston, and who come into town to hang out with us before the big family reunion over the 4th. We used to stay almost two weeks in St. Louis and I would also see cousin’s on my mom’s side. As the kids have gotten older, and less interested in seeing a cousin they only spend one day a year with, we’ve stopped trying to see those cousins and shortened our entire St. Louis trip to a little over a week. Since the farm is always three nights, that usually leaves 4-5 nights in St. Louis with cousins. We generally do many of the same things: the City Museum, the Zoo, the Botanical Garden, Webster Pool, and the Science Center. These activities are awesome, and we do them every year because we love them.

This year we added a special day trip that we’ve talked about doing for years, but that we’ve never committed to because of the long driving time (two hours each way). It was hard to find a day for the trip, because we couldn’t have any other commitments, but we finally found one that worked and the weather was beautiful and we had the best time. My cousin and I LOVED this spot when we were kids, and we’re so thrilled we could finally take our kids, and they loved it as much as we did.

But first, the rest of the week.

Saturday: Surviving

The red eye was uneventful. I kept having to remind myself that it was only a four hour flight. The kids slept a little. The 11yo and I listened to a couple hours of Ready Player One. I must’ve slept for at least 20 minutes because there was some drama a couple aisles up that I missed entirely (the 15yo witnessed it). I listened to my new book club book (I Hope This Finds You Well). Then we were landing.

There was a rental car company shuttle waiting at the curb. There was no line at the rental car place. They had our car and there was no issue with the return in Memphis. All the things I were worried might go wrong were fine. We got to my uncle’s house at 6:30am and I realized I didn’t have a way to get in. Luckily my mom woke up when I called her and opened the door (they had come in a few days before).

And then we slept! For almost four hours! This was so wonderful, and it absolutely got us through the rest of the day. I still can’t believe we slept that long after our red eye.

We didn’t have much else planned on Saturday. We went to my aunt’s house, where my cousin and her kids stay. We hung out there for a while. We got lunch at a favorite smash burger spot. Then we went to this sculpture garden in their area to get outside before dinner at our other cousin’s house.

This spot is so random. My husband recommended it when I had a couple hours to kill before our flight two years ago, then we took him last year because we were so taken by it. And now we’ve shared it with our cousins.

Dinner at our cousin’s house was lovely. I had never been to her place! And I can never get enough IMO’s Pizza when I’m in town. We even got sno cones afterward! Perfect.

The kids and I passed out by 11pm and I slept relatively well!

Sunday: City Museum

I woke up at 7:30 and knowing I had gotten over eight hours of sleep, I got up and went for a run. It was maybe/probably going to rain so I didn’t go as far as I could have, but I did end up running for about 40 minutes and only got sprinkled on. I did some ab work and push ups when I got home.

The kids slept until 11am! They got a solid 12 hours of sleep. I was so happy for them.

We waffled a little on what to do Sunday, because we worried about crowds, but ended up going to the City Museum. It’s a fan favorite, and this year’s trip did not disappoint.

When I first came here I wanted to climb in and around everything, and I tried to squeeze myself into every tunnel and down every slide. Now I’m content to let the kids play, while I sit and talk to my cousin.

We did get to see the bearded dragons get fed, which we found especially hilarious since we have to coax our own bearded dragon to eat his worms. These guys were literally climbing over each other to snag a squirmy snack.

The “doctor fish,” that eat the dead skin off your hands, is also a fan favorite that did not disappoint this year.

We had just missed the 1pm circus show, but we came back at 3pm to see the final show of the day and I’m so glad we did. Usually the show is young kids from their acrobat camp, but this year it was one woman doing a slapstick comedy acrobatic show and I was THERE FOR IT. I loved her whole bit so much, and I laughed and shrieked the whole time.

The 15yo got called up for one of the acts and she was supposed to braid her hair (with another girl) and then acrobat clown got up and started running all around and the girls had to run after her while trying to braid her hair and she kept changing directions and making the girls run into each other (and her) and the 15yo did so great and had so much fun. It was just supposed to be a way to kill 30 minutes and it ended up being the highlight of the day.

The outside was closed for most of our trip but at the end it opened and the boys were so happy. We never made it outside last time (rain), so they were really pleased to climb around our there this time.

We headed home and just read and played video games for a while before and after dinner. It was nice to have some down time after such a big day.

Monday: Webster Pool

Webster Pool is the community pool of the township where my aunt (on my dad’s side) and uncle (on my mom’s side) live. We used to need one of them to get us in with a residency card but now we can just pay more to come in as non-residence. And we’re willing to pay whatever because the pools has always had a slide, a lazy river and a couple of spring boards.

This past year they totally revamped it, like razed it to the ground and rebuilt it. Now it looks like a mini-water park. And they didn’t even raise the price of admission!

This pool is so cool. I can’t believe we get to go here every year. The kids love it because they never get to go swimming and then when they do it’s at this crazy spot! We spent six hours here and the kids had a blast.

I managed to workout when I got home, which was hard because I was covered in sunscreen and just wanted to take a shower. But I had the time, and I know it will be hard to workout at the farm so I did it. And I’m glad I did!

Tuesday: Johnson’s Shut-ins + Elephant Rocks

Tuesday was our special day trip. And boy was it special. We made it down there without problems. The weather was perfect. The kids loved the spot. We had a great time.

Johnson’s Shut-ins is a spot along a river where all these crazy rocks make little waterfalls and swimming holes and it’s just a magical place. I LOVED it as a kid, and I went back in my early 20s and then didn’t go again for 23 years. There was a flood that washed away much of the infrastructure, so it was closed for a while, and then our kids were too young to go there, and then two hours each way felt long. But finally this year we committed to going back, and I’m so glad we did. It was just as amazing as we remembered, and our kids loved it too!

After spending about three hours at the shut-ins, we changed into dry clothes and drove 15 minutes away to Elephant Rocks, another spot I remember liking as a kid.

It was 5:30pm by the time we got back on the road again, and luckily we were headed to a Culver’s on the way home.

The kids and I listened to Ready Player One for the entire four hour drive and it finished as we pulled into my uncle’s subdivision. It felt like a sign that the day was meant to be.

Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo with some other cousins. I can’t decide if I should wait and post this with zoo pictures or just put it up now. The zoo is amazing (and FREE!) and we go every year because we love it so much (and it’s FREE!). We didn’t make it to the Botanical Gardens (maybe Sunday after the farm?) or the Science Center but that is okay.

After the zoo tomorrow we need to do laundry and pack up for the farm (and pick up the husband). We’ll leave as early as possible on Thursday, spend three magical days with our entire family at my favorite place (it’s truly my favorite weekend of the year), and then we’ll head down to Memphis on Monday morning for a three night stay.

So far it’s been a really good trip. The weather has been cooperating (we didn’t get thunderstorms on our pool day and the weather was perfect today). I’ve read a ton. The kids are sleeping really well and I’m sleeping pretty decently. We’ve had a nice mixture of activities with cousins and downtime alone. I’ve worked out twice and plan to run again tomorrow. It’s been a really nice time and I’m very grateful for it. Yay St. Louis!