Not a Wasted Word

My labs came back and my T3 and T4 levels were damn near perfect. That same night I had devastating hot flashes. At 2am I emailed my doctor, saying that I had seen my lab results and knew my thyroid levels were good, but was still getting crazy hot flushes pretty much all day long. Since the hot flushes started with the other thyroid symptoms (and since Dr. Google confirmed hot flushes were a symptom of hyperthyroidism), I assumed they were caused by the hyperthyroidism and felt frustrated that they had not resolved. I explained I was emailing before she checked in with me about the lab results because I was leaving for a trip on Friday, and didn’t have a lot of time to communicate with her before then.

There were other reasons I assumed the hot flushes were associated with my hyperthyroidism. Not only did they start with the other symptoms, but after four weeks of taking the thyroid medication they had all but vanished. It was only when I halved the dose that they returned. Also, I had seen other lab results suggesting I was fully menopausal (post-menopausal?), but I thought hot flashes were something you got ON THE WAY to menopause – that they were a perimenopausal symptom I should be done with by now.

Bwahahahahahaha! Silly me.

She called me back this afternoon. We decided to go down to 2 pills of my thyroid medication instead of 3, so not entirely halving it like we did before (I appreciated that because splitting the pills was pretty much impossible). Then we talked hot flashes.

She confirmed I am in menopause. This felt revelatory, because it feels like a statement doctors are unwilling to make about me, I assume because I’m in my mid-40s and my wonky reproductive system denies me the signature guidepost (twelve months without a period). I must say, I was really appreciative of her just flat out saying it.

Then she explained that 44 was young to be fully menopausal. She said that our bodies were designed to have those cycle hormones until the age of 50 (or around there), and it wasn’t great for my heart, brain and bone health to be without estrogen for so many years.

I admitted that I had read the same thing, but that my OBGYN had dismissed my concerns, saying that if I were in my 30s she’s push HRT, but not in my 40s. Now, to her credit, I was solidly in perimenopause at the time and perhaps she thought I’d hang out there for the rest of the decade. I’m not sure what she would say if she knew I was menopausal now, just shy of 45.

My endocrinologist explained that she is certified (this may be the wrong word) to treat menopausal women, and had just been to a conference about it two weeks ago. I was thrilled to hear this, as I have always felt my OBGYN (who I otherwise really like), has been somewhat dismissive of my concerns around the effects of being in perimenopause so young (osteoporosis is something I’m especially worried about) and I appreciated being able to talk to someone else about it.

I voiced my concerns around my mental and emotional health on MHT, citing mood swings and a general inability to manage my emotions during previous stints on birth control, and she assured me that the dose she was suggesting was less than anything I would have received with birth control. She even offered to start me on an even smaller dose, but when she mentioned that the full dose would probably resolved my hot flushes in a matter of days, I said, I’ll start with that.

So tomorrow I’m picking up Estrogen patches to wear for three day intervals (but always I believe) and Progesterone pills to take at night. The progesterone might even make me sleepy?! What a lovely side effect that I would embrace enthusiastically.

I have to admit, I’m still a little shell shocked that I am doing this. I was convinced the hot flushes were a symptom of my hyperthyroidism and not menopause (and she said they could have been triggered initially by it, or the Graves Disease might have been connected to the menopause or something else because our female bodies are not even remotely understood by Western medicine – emphasis mine, she worded it more diplomatically) and I’m still a little shocked that I’m taking this step. But! I appreciate her response to me being fully in menopause by 45 (is this post menopausal, I’m so confused. If perimenopause is what you experience leading up to menopause but post-menopausal is when you’re definitely in it, is menopause a thing you even experience? If so when?)

Anyway, I’d love to hear about people’s experiences with MHT (Menopause Hormone Treatment)/HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Why did you take it? What did you take and for how long? If you’re no longer taking it, what are your thoughts in hindsight? I guess I’m just wondering what your experience had been, if you don’t mind sharing it.

Is it Friday? Juneteenth really threw me off and all yesterday I thought it was tomorrow and now it’s Friday and I’m not sure what is going on. I was telling my mom about the first Valencia Entertainment Zone we went to and at first I said “last Thursday” but then I thought no, it had to have been longer ago than that. But it was last Thursday. I’ve packed a lot into a week. Also the kids already being off and in camps last week throws me for a loop. Here are some general updates at this, the end of the first full week of summer break.

Husband

I forgot how the husband gets a little sulky during summer, since he still has to go to work and the rest of us don’t. This week was a particularly in-his-face reminder because the 11yo didn’t have camp so no one was getting up and getting ready except him. I know I would be sulky if I had to work and NO ONE ELSE did, so I get it. I’m also reminding him to verbalize specific things I’m doing that bother him (like disappearing downstairs (to do a little more strength) after a late night at the dojo on Tuesday, instead of participating in kid bedtime. Fair enough!) I’m also going to be busy this weekend, but I keep reminding him that he gets a whole weekend without us (we leave on a red eye next Friday night), and won’t that be divine!? Luckily he had drinks with someone after visiting a different Entertainment Zone yesterday, he’s out with friends tonight and is planning on seeing a friend tomorrow. That makes me very happy.

Kids

The 11yo is hurtling toward tweendom like a hormone seeking missile. He’s always been tall, but now he’s TALL and he’s filling out. He just seems like an older kid. He’s consistently sleeping in until 10am when we let him, and he wants to be alone in his room a lot. He plays a lot of video games and we still need to make him read 30 minutes a day (I’m resigning myself to the fact that this might always be the case). He’s also been in the backyard for 30-60 minutes a day most days, throwing a baseball into a net and catching it to prepare for tryouts at his new middle school in the fall. He only spent one session in Level 6 at swim lessons, and this Saturday he’ll be moved up to “Free Swim” which is when they do little sets to build stamina. It’s the “pre-swim team” level the 15yo wanted to reach so badly right before the pandemic started. He’s clearly a talented swimmer, and of course has no interest in swimming for a team, but we’ll probably make him at least try it out at some point.

Not as much to report on the 15yo; I’m not struck by how much she is changing every time I look at her. BUT! She does love to watch TV and movies now (I’ve mentioned this), while the 11yo, who has been my movie watching buddy since he could watch TV is always prepared to pass on a family movie (did I mention how much he loves to be alone in his room?) It’s weird how they’ve switched on that. I wonder how long until they switch again.

House projects

The decluttering projects continue. All my clothing has been reorganized. I’ve tackled parts of each kid’s room. I took five big bags to the Salvation Army. I cleaned out the shed and put a bunch of stuff on the sidewalk. I cleaned up the garage and scheduled a bulky item pick up for next week. Shit is getting done for sure. I am riding that productivity wave! Just like I hoped to!

I had plans to cut the (VERY!) tall grass in the backyard yesterday, but the wind was crazy (gusts of up to 35mph!) so I tackled the cargo bike instead. I pulled it out from under the laundry accordion, and cleaned it off and took pictures and posted it on Craigslist. A guy responded right away, which was shocking because it’s an OLD bike and there are plenty of other cargo bikes available all over the Bay Area. I had posted it for $1000, when I really wanted $800 and that is exactly what he offered. I was thrilled! Then I went down to plug in the battery so it would be ready for him to test ride it and… it wouldn’t charge. After MUCH googling I figured out it was probably dead, like DEAD dead, so dead that the charger didn’t recognize it as something it could charge, so it just didn’t even try to. After more googling I learned no replacement battery is available, and if I can’t find someone to revive it (probably not possible), I’ll have to get it rebuilt to the tune of $500. I’m so bummed out, not because of the money, but because it’s a good bike that still works fine if it has a battery. I hate the idea that it’s useless now, because I didn’t periodically charge it. I feel awful. And while I did find a place that would look at it (this felt miraculous), they had very little hope in being able to fix it. So now I have to figure out what to do with a cargo bike that is so big and so heavy you can’t really ride it without the electric assist, except the electric assist is missing its battery. The guy who wanted to buy it is interested in rebuilding batteries, and I bet he’d take it from me for free. I’d rather someone have it and try to make it work again than spending a ton of time on it myself. I wish I had known this could happen. I feel so stupid for my negligence.

Health

I’m still getting hot flashes, but less frequently. Maybe 5-10 times a day? Actually, at least half of those are at night. I hate them and they make me crazy, but I’m trying to prepare myself for the possibility that they are here to stay. Lately I’ve just tried to breath through them, after I take off any outer layers of course, and even count to remind myself that they don’t linger long. My heart rate is also still high. When I ran last Friday it hit 200bpm! On the bike it’s frequently 175, and right now, while I’m doing a very light elliptical workout, it’s 150! I don’t understand why the medication isn’t working this time like it did the first time. I’m certainly gaining weight so it’s doing something! Just not enough? I don’t know. If I think about it too long I get really bummed out, so I try not to. I get my blood drawn on Monday, and I’ll have more information then, even if I don’t have any real answers.

I am working out a lot, and while my heart rate is high, I feel stronger than I did before my diagnosis. I really hope I can keep up my strength work while I travel, because I like feeling strong despite all the uncertainty around my Grave’s Disease.

Coming up

Tomorrow I teach Teens, then I’m assisting the lower belt test at the dojo. I should be home by 3pm, when I plan to finish cleaning up downstairs to host book club on Sunday afternoon. Sunday I take the 11yo to swim (we’re trying to decide if we should sign him up for the next level even though we’ll miss like half the lessons so he keeps up his stamina, since he’s getting moved to the next level). Then I’m hosting book club and finally attending the high belt test review, where we watch the video of the parts of the test, and share observations and tips for growth. It’s a packed weekend, but I think it will be good.

And of course next week I’ll be preparing for our trip to St. Louis. The weather there is hellacious right now (like so hot it conjures visions of hell), but I’m hoping it will come down a little by the week we get there (hoping is a strong word, it’s still going to be awful). We never wear the shorts and tank tops we pack for St. Louis here at home, so I can do our foundational packing early and just add underwear and socks as we get closer. The husband is staying behind for a few days so I don’t have to the house totally ready, though I will be doing some picking up that I’ll expect he doesn’t undo before he goes. The 11yo has camp next week, so I will have some solo hours to get all this done.

…

Quick extra thing (should have made this a Six on Saturday post)… Today I took the kids to the coast with my parents (I missed Mother’s AND Father’s Day with them) and got some pretty pictures so I’ll post them here. We had a lot of fun, despite the crazy wind whipping dust all around us everywhere we went. (I wasn’t planning to work out today, but I felt so dusty that I needed to shower and I really struggle to shower without working out. Does anyone else feel that way?)

But anyway, pictures of this beautiful state that we live in!

I’ve been going through my clothes. All of them. There are items that I loved SO MUCH, that I no longer care for, and I wonder, what has changed? Am I tired of wearing them? (I don’t think this is the case because there are some items I’ve worn for over a decade and still love.) Has something inside me changed? Has seeing images from the fashion industry changed that something inside me?

If an item of clothing has a specific utility, I will wear it until it falls apart. I have an orange puffy jacket from Uniqlo that I bought YEARS ago. It’s in rough shape: stained, misshapen. But I never part with it because all year round it’s weirdly the perfect color and the perfect weight and it has a hood and I can smoosh it into the bag it came with (which I STILL HAVE!) for travel and so I keep wearing it even though it’s looking ratty.

Meanwhile I have another puffy jacket that is basically brand new, a beautiful blue color that I love, and I never wear it because I’m always already wearing some shade of blue when I think to put it on, and then it would be too much blue. I’m going to offer it up at Book Club before I donate it.

I have an obscene number of jeans. Especially for a person who doesn’t wear jeans that much. Like I have five pairs of Vuori joggers (and one faux pair from Costco) but that seems reasonable since I wear them all the time. The jeans are a different story. I barely wear jeans and yet I’m always searching for new jeans. Do I think the perfect pair is going to change me into a person who wears jeans all the time? And why do I want to be that person?

I tell myself it’s because there are so many different kinds of jeans. And colors. And sizes! I probably have a 15lb range for wearing my Vuori comfortably, but jeans are much less forgiving. And I have no hips so when they get too big, they just fall down. Finding a good pair of jeans is hard. Some of the jeans above have been in my closet for years and I keep them because I love them and have outfits that depend on them. Some of them are brand new, and I already donated them. Some are skinny and I love them, but feel weird wearing them right now, because they are no longer in style (though I’ll wear them again with my Uggs in the winter). Some are baggy (barrel?!) and are in style but I feel weird wearing them because they look weird (are these really cool right now?!). Jeans are hard.

I hoped to fill an entire IKEA blue bag during the reorganizing of clothes, but I barely got there. I was disappointed. Then I gathered the clothes in the garage hallway and remembered that I already put a bunch of stuff in other bags. By the time I was loading all the bags into the car, I felt pretty good about how much I was getting rid of.

I struggled with what to do with the pieces that had small defects, mostly stains. Do I donate those to a place like Salvation Army that are trying to resell them? Do I try to find a shelter where they will be given away for free? On a related note, deodorant stains on clothes DRIVE ME CRAZY.

Also related, I donated a bunch of socks the 11yo never wore because he didn’t like the cut. But I put them apart from the socks he wore a ton, but just grew out of. Does Salvation Army want the used socks? Shoes are similarly difficult. There were shoes I was happy to donate because they were barely worn, and obviously the pairs my kids really wear are thrown away (actually I usually wait for a colleague to do shoe recycling and throw them in her big bag at school), but what of the shoes that have clearly been worn, but have lots of wear left? Again, it feels like donating those to some an organization that gives them away is the best bet, but I don’t know what organization that might be (I used to have one down by my parents’ house, but they closed).

These are just some wonderings born of my recent clothing reorganization and donation. I kind of love that I’m posting this first, before the “recent purchases I have loved” post, which definitely includes two new pairs of jeans ::cry laughing emoji / facepalm emoji::

On a (MUCH) more serious note, I’m also processing my thoughts for a post about yesterday’s Supreme Court death blow to trans rights. I hope to write about that soon too.

This Saturday was pretty eventful. I marched in the No King protest in SF with my daughter, and some other friends. I made two double-sided signs before hand, and held at least one of them above my head for 2+ hours. Tens of thousands of people marched in San Francisco, and it felt REALLY GOOD to be a part of it. I’m so glad that we went, and am really grateful that I got to share it with my daughter.

After the march, I stayed at the Main Library to see the author of the book I chose for this month’s book club speak. Ryka Aoki is amazing and her book Light from Uncommon Stars is really special. I couldn’t believe I got to see her after the protest. Sometimes I really love living in San Francisco.

Sunday we didn’t do much. I took the 11yo to swimming (he’s already being passed into to the pre-swim team level!), and back at home I worked out. I made dinner, then we all watched the sixth Mission Impossible movie (Fallout). It was a very nice, very low key Sunday, which I especially appreciated after Saturday.

Today was the first official day of my summer break. Last night I turned off all my alarms (I love that part) and this morning I slept until 8am. It was lovely. The 11yo didn’t have camp so the only thing pulling me out of bed was the cats. I fed them, then made breakfast for the kids (even the 15yo was up by 8:30). Then I started working on my room downstairs. I stripped the bed and laundered everything so I could put the summer comforter on our bed. Then I started gathering all the other winter clothes to put them away and pull the summer stuff out. It may seem late to do that, but it’s been chilly this year, so I haven’t felt like I had to. The other morning our heat kicked on! It’s set to 62! It has not been very warm lately.

As I was packing up the clothes, I realized I needed to take some of them to the shed. I was feeling annoyed because the shed is a mess. It’s been a disaster area since we constructed it years ago. You can’t get to anything without walking over, actually on, other stuff. It makes retrieving and storing stuff in it a giant PITA. The thought of going in there totally bummed me out.

But first I had to get the kids ready. The ILs were grabbing them both, taking the 15yo to her jewelry making camp and taking the 11yo to their house for a spend the night. After they left, I met my husband downtown for lunch. Then I visited IKEA to get a bunch of those giant $0.89 blue bags to help me with the clothing and toy purge I have planned.

Back at home I opened the shed, and started pulling stuff out. It wasn’t my plan to make the shed usable, but it’s what happened and I’m so pleased. I wish I had taken a before shot of that horrible, stress inducing space, but I did take a picture of the backyard while I was working on it, and I got an after shot. Also a shot of all the stuff I put outside for people to take (some of it is from the 11yo’s room, we went through some of the boxes in his room and packed up a bunch to give away).

When the 15yo got back from camp we decided to watch New Moon (she’s been reading the Twilight Saga). I wanted to do it downstairs while I went though more of my clothes, but I was feeling a little done after the shed, so we decided to watch it on the big TV. I did a quick workout (my official 50th bike boot camp – I’ve definitely done more since I used to record them via Zoom, and redo them, but I’ll take a new milestone) because cleaning out the shed made me feel gross and I wasn’t about to get into a bed with fully cleaned bedding without showering.

I’ve been writing this post as we watched the movie (I told her I couldn’t just sit through that one), and now it’s over and I guess I should wrap this up. I was hoping to ride the productivity wave of the past weeks into the start of summer, but I never imagined I’d quite so much done on my first official day. Now I feel confident that I’ll get through the rest of my clothes tomorrow, and will drop them off soon!

Thumbs down

Let’s get the negative out of the way.

Three weeks into my raised does and I’m feeling better, but some symptoms linger. I’m still have hot flushes all the time. Like once an hour? I’m so tired of suddenly feeling like I’m burning up from the inside out. I think yesterday it might have been less. Today was a little better too. Maybe next week will be a lot better. We shall see.

A bunch of yearbooks were stolen this past week. They were taken out of other students’ bags. Kids were really upset (rightfully so), and only in rare cases were the yearbooks found. It really sucked and got me really down.

Yesterday was a really rough last day of school. I had to deal with returning a stolen yearbook (that had dicks drawn all over it), listen to a kid give a formal apology for writing truly horrific, hateful things in OVER 20 KIDS’ YEARBOOKS, then watch seven men come in and ravage my room, pushing all my furniture into a pile while I pleaded with them to stop. The last one was really awful. I have never felt so violated at work before, and that is saying something.

Lately I’m feeling really tired of being the only adult in the room, literally and figuratively. It’s exhausting. And thankless. Teaching is really hard work and I am exhausted. I hope this summer is restorative. I hope the skills I learned this year with some of my harder students help me handle everyone next year.

It was a lot of work to get my room ready this year. I wasn’t quite sure how much more I had to do than normal (communication has not been great, which is why I felt so violated when those people came to move my furniture – they were supposed to come today after we had time to shut our classrooms down and move our stuff out of the way). I think I’m good to go now, but leaving it like this makes me nervous. I care a lot about my classroom and my stuff! I don’t want them to fuck it up!

Thumbs Up

Our staff party yesterday was fun. It was nice to see people and talk. Then I met the husband at an event in the Mission. It was so nice to hang out with him, have some drinks and get some dinner. We’ve been trying to do that for a while and it finally happened.

I entered a tech support ticket for every computer in my cart that is broken. That was 17 support tickets. I know tech appreciates when we actually put in separate tickets so the volume of the requests they receive is measurable. It took a long time, and was a giant pain in the ass, but I am really glad I did it. (I don’t actually know if Tech will be fixing Chromebooks over the summer, but at least I tried!) Seriously my Chromebooks are in rough shape.

I went for a run today. The weather was beautiful. I got in 5 miles, which is the longest I’ve run in a while. I didn’t feel great but I didn’t feel awful (it was an out and back so the fact that I made it to the 2.5 mile marker means I must have felt decent). After, I did the Caroline Girvan dead bug workout AND a 10 minute arms and shoulder burner on Peloton. I’m super proud I manage that because I was tired.

Part of why I did the extra strength work after my run is because I won’t be training at the dojo tomorrow. Classes are cancelled so we can attend the No Kings protest that starts at a park not far from the dojo. I’m glad we’ll be marching, and I think the 15yo will be joining us. I brought home materials from school to make signs tonight. Shit is so, so grim right now and it feels good to be doing something to show my dissent.

I’m officially on summer break. It feels weird. I keep feeling like I need to grab my computer but… I don’t. I almost started on my closet tonight, but decided that could wait. Tomorrow will be a long day (I need to teach at the dojo before the march and hope to see the author of my book club pick for this month speak at the Main Library after the march), so I’m letting myself relax today. Also the 15yo and I might watch The Matrix tonight, which she has not seen (and is an enduring favorite of mine). It’ll probably take a week or so to decompress, and then we’ll be traveling and it will really feel like summer break. I can’t believe I made it!

Today was 8th grade promotion day. I read names. I didn’t mess up any. And then I went home.

I packed a nicer set of clothes, but forgot the nicer shoes. I considered going to the mall to grab some new sandals (it would be helpful to own a pair of nice sandals), but we celebrated our administrative assistant retiring right after school, so there wasn’t much time and I hated to lose my parking spot. Weirdly, a friend had a pair of flats she was getting rid of (in a big bag of clothes given to her by her MIL) and they were exactly my size. Talk about serendipity. I was so happy.

The retirement party for our administrative assistant was really touching. She’s been working in the district for close to 30 years, and has been our school’s administrative assistant for almost all of them. We are truly losing the heart of our school and I can’t imagine how we’ll survive next year. They played some fun videos of flash mobs and other fun stuff we used to do, and showed a ton of pictures. She was not just our administrative assistant, she was everyone’s friend and she went on trips and celebrated with the staff constantly. I’m really sad to see her go, but was also really heartened by the send off. It reminded me that I really do love where I work, and that I could do more to be a part of the community.

Speaking of community, the dates for the dojo’s advanced retreat were announced and we all rushed to make reservations. It will be in early September, near Portland, Oregon and I’m really excited to go. That is another community that I am very grateful to be a part of, and I’m so happy that I can make it to this retreat, even though I don’t love the timing (as far as the school year goes).

Oh, and speaking of new plans in the next couple months, my sister announced she’s visiting in August for almost two weeks, and we thought it would be fun to go somewhere together for a few days (all of us, my family and our parents). She wants to float in a river and my family can get behind that so we need to figure out our plans ASAP. I’m excited she’s coming in August when I have a little more time; her January visits are always so hectic.

But back to real life, this week….

Yearbook distribution went well. Kids cannot receive yearbooks until all textbooks and other materials are returned to the library, so we haven’t distributed all of them. But! we’re really close.

Tomorrow I have three 35 minute classes, and then our staff party. I have a lot of work to do in my room tomorrow, but I think I can get it done. If not, I have until 1pm on Friday, and then we’re supposed to walk out of our classrooms and not return until the first professional development day in August. That might actually be kind of hard for me, but I’m trying to embrace it.

They are putting new heating/cooling systems in our spaces, and if the cooling system actually works, it will be worth moving all the furniture from one corner of my room on Friday. Fingers crossed that this an actual solution, not just some grand but useless gesture. Virtue signaling to teachers and parents is something our district does very well, and I wouldn’t put it past them to spend a bunch of money on a renovation that doesn’t actually solve the problem.

My doctor got back to me. She acknowledged my symptoms, and confirmed they were not, in and of themselves, of concern. She did list symptoms that should concern me, but I don’t have any of those. She also recommended an antioxidant, which I got. I will admit that one of symptoms bothers me most on a cosmetic level (my. eyes. are. so. puffy. all. the. time) though I was concerned that if left untreated the underlying issues would become more serious (if those other symptoms occur, that’s the case). It sounds like it probably won’t, as long as I eventually respond to my thyroid medicine again, which may finally be happening. I get my labs done again next week so I guess we’ll have more information then.

The 11yo has not loved his camp this week. It’s been challenging. We’ve worked through some hard feelings. Next week he has no camp. We’re hoping he can spend the night with his grandparents (ILs) in the first few days, then Thursday is Juneteenth and the husband is taking him to a Giants game. Friday, the 15yo’s two hour a day camp is off, so we three may go to Great America. I’m hoping it will be a good mix of activities and downtime for both me and the 11yo (the 15yo is loving her two hours of metal jewelry making, which she has for three weeks total).

I will say, I haven’t been to the dojo much to train and I’m missing it. I’m also getting BORED with my workouts at home. Thank goodness Peloton has so many different options that I like, so one day I can do a proper bike boot camp, but another I can do an Intervals and Arms ride (you stay on the bike with light weights), and later I can follow a Lanebreak ride with a strength class. I’ve also been on the elliptical twice this week (which you can thank for this post, and the last one!). Friday I’m hoping to run on my way home from work and Saturday I’ll be training at the dojo. Hopefully those two days will help me get out of my workout rut, because it’s been HARD to get my ass moving.

I have been sleeping a little better though. I guess it’s in the third week of an effective dose that I start feeling better. I should keep that in mind in the future, when lowering my dose doesn’t work again, or I’m having a flare.

The 15yo has REALLY been wanting to hang out, and of course I want to indulge her because I know one day I’ll be persona non grata and begging to take her to In-n-Out. We’re about to finish the third season of Ted Lasso and we need a new show. Any suggestions? She really loved Silo and Severance, so if you know of anything in that vein let me know! (I was thinking maybe Westworld, because I loved that, but also it’s not on MAX? Which honestly I need to cancel anyway because that shit is WAY too expensive).

My time on the elliptical is almost up, so I need to sign off. If it was not apparent from this post, I am feeling better than I was on Monday. The end really is in sight. Next week should provide some respite, even if it doesn’t provide the rest I ultimately need. (I almost forgot to mention that I finished the summer fun book! That was weighing on me, but it was easy to finish and I got a discount code that made it affordable to order, so it should be coming this weekend. Woot!). I have been doing so hard for so long that it will probably take a while for a more moderate pace to feel normal again. Honestly I’m hoping the ride some of this productivity wave into next week to get my closet organized and our bedroom area cleaned up. I think that could be doable without making me crazy. We shall see…

I feel like I’ve been sprinting a marathon and I can see the finish line, but I’m hitting the wall. Hard.

I’m just so tired and struggling so hard to make it to the end.

I know it’s a lot of things. I recognize each of them individually and know that together they are compounding the negative feelings exponentially.

The biggest weight is the volume of obligations I’ve tackled over the past six weeks. The yearbook. The belt test. Wrapping up collaborative characters and original stories. Completing the free reading program in four classes. Celebrations thrown for students. The 11yo’s 5th grade promotion. The 15yo’s birthday.

This Saturday I took three tween boys to a card show, hosted the 15yo’s family birthday, then hosted her friends’ for a spend the night. I left the house with the 11yo at 10am and returned home the girls’ dinner at 6:30pm and didn’t really stop at any point in between And it didn’t even seem like that crazy of a day! It felt like par for the course.

It’s just been too much. And for too long.

The news out of California is not helping. The fear I feel for our country is hard to engage. It makes me want to shut down, but I know I can’t. This administration has been in office for six months (barely!) and the damage that has been done is vast and probably irreparable. How does one process that?

My health is not stabilizing. New symptoms appear and I’m not sure if they should be attributed to my Grave’s disease, stress, of both. I email my doctor, but she doesn’t get back to me. I’m never sure when I should be truly alarmed or just annoyed. I oscillate between feeling scared for my immediate and future well being, and simply frustrated that I don’t have any answers. It’s exhausting and makes everything else I’m trying to manage a lot harder.

I know summer has started for most people, but here I am, limping to the finish line. I know Friday will eventually come, but I also know that I won’t wake up on Monday to a stress-free life. I think part of heaviness I’m feeling is knowing that even on the other side, when the immediate stressors are behind me, there will be plenty on my plate. Even when you sprint through a marathon, you still have to make your way back to your car, drive home, take a shower, and wake up to all your chores the next morning. That’s just life. I finished enough school years to know what’s waiting for me during the summer break, and it’s not the answer to all my problems.

But maybe a little space, and some time, will improve things more than I’m expecting…

This is all over the place – much like my life right now – so Buckle up.

Work

• Today is my final Friday (with students) of the school year. Yesterday was my last four-block, no-prep Thursday. Next week we have two normal school days and two six-period, minimum day (basically babysitting) school days, The end of the year is almost here!
• After feeling perpetually behind on scoring work and updating my gradebooks, I stayed up late last night and sloughed through a bunch of stuff. It feels good to feel somewhat caught up.
• We’re distributing yearbooks today (to the 8th graders) and Tuesday (to the 6th and 7th graders). Wish us luck.
• The 8th graders are out of their GD minds. The behaviors are exasperating. Managing the behaviors is exhausting. I’m so ready to say goodbye to them.
• I need to move a bunch of furniture from a corner of my room so a heating and cooling system can be installed. This fact is looming over me and causing me stress.

Home

• The kids’ last day was Wednesday. Yesterday my parents picked up the 11yo and took him to the county fair and then for a spend the night. The 14yo (for two more days!) was supposed to go, but instead stayed in the city to attend her good friend’s 8th grade promotion. (Can I say how much less stressful it is now that both kids can be home alone for significant amounts of time?! Loving that aspect of this age!)
• Tuesday was the 11yo’s 5th grade promotion. Both sets of grandparents attended and came back to our house after for lunch. The ceremony was lovely, but in the blazing sun and we all got sunburned.
• I am so thankful for the 11yo’s elementary experience . He transferred to a different school than the 14yo attended after the pandemic and it was a great fit for him and he made a ton of friends. Most of those friends are heading to the same middle school which is awesome.
• The city’s budget is a mess and layoffs were announced. The husband’s position is not being cut, but it’s stressful to manage the turmoil and he feels perpetually behind. He also finds extended family-gatherings really exhausting so I’ve been managing the fall out of the 11yo’s promotion and the anticipatory fall out of the (almost) 15yo’s birthday.
• We decided to have the grandparents’ at our house (instead of trying to find a restaurant that could accommodate us) late Monday night, which was stressful in the moment but means I have less cleaning to do for the (then) 15yo’s birthday tomorrow.

This weekend

• Tomorrow morning I’m taking the 11yo and a couple dojo friends to a cars show in South City. I’ve never picked up these kids or taken anyone to a card show, so I’m fairly anxious about the whole thing. We need to be back by 2pm for the (at that point) 16yo’s family birthday party with the grandparents. I need to grab flatbread pizzas from my friend’s restaurant in between. I’m not a fan of tight turn arounds like this, but hopefully it will go okay.
• The (almost) 15yo isn’t getting much. We considered a new computer since she stepped on her Chromebook and cracked the screen, but it still works and she has a school-issued Chromebook in better shape so we held off. We also considered getting her PADI scuba certified this summer and doing the open water certification dives in Maui, but decided to just do a couple discovery dives in Maui to see how she felt about it. I took her shopping last weekend and will take her again soon. I ordered her a couple silly shirts (that she knows about) and got her some LEGO flower sets (that she doesn’t know about). She’ll get some video game money for Marvel Rivals skins and some real money for whatever she wants. That’s about it.
• The 15yo’s two best friends are spending the night tomorrow, after the family birthday. Her only request was that there be no “you should really get to bed” messages coming from us, so the 11yo will spend the night with this grandparents (the IL’s this time), and the husband and I will stay downstairs for the evening. It should be a lot like any other sleep over with friends and I’m grateful for that.
• We have nothing on the docket for Sunday except the girls still being at our house and the 11yo eventually coming home. I hope to work on the summer fun photo book, because if I don’t get it ordered soon I won’t have them in time for our trip to St. Louis.

Personal

• I’ve been taking the higher dose of my thyroid medication for two weeks now and I’m feeling a little better. I’m still getting hot flushes but they’ve been less frequent. I’m still waking up a lot in the night, but I’m not tossing and turning as much. I feel like the brain fog is more intense this time, but maybe it’s just stress and hectic schedule. I really hope I start feeling better soon because this is exhausting. I’m also trying not to spiral about managing this for the next two years and keeping my focus on the immediate future.
• I got my red belt and it feels good to wear it. The teaching schedule at the dojo this month has required a lot of coverage and I’ve been stepping in quite a bit. I definitely feel a lot more comfortable on the mat and it’s clear the teachers and parents appreciate my presence. Obviously I am bringing a lot of school experience to my teaching style there, and I feel pretty natural standing in front of a class and knowing what to say next. It’s nice to feel like I’m good at something and like my efforts are appreciated.

• I figured out that I have a new (or much worse allergy) to a perennial weed that grows (ALL OVER) our backyard. It’s called Parietaria judaica (colloquially, wall pellitory) and it’s always been my biggest op because it sticks like velcro to freaking everything. But lately, when it just grazes my skin as I pass it, it causes an immediate reaction (redness and welts), and the other day I suffered a systemic reaction after pulling a bunch of it out of the walls in our backyard (I was FULLY covered, but should have been wearing N-95 a mask). I took some Benedryl and passed out early, and it confirmed my suspicion that this is the new (to-me) allergen that has been making me miserable in the spring (especially), summer, and fall. I’ve always hated that stuff, but it has never made me react like I did on Tuesday to it. I’m not sure if I can add it to my allergy shot, but that requires I start coming once a week again and I’m not ready to commit to that anyway.

• I’ve also been having ocular migraines again, which I believe are related to stress and dehydration. I’m writing down when I get them and for how long, and I plan to call my doctor about them next week if they continue.

Oh, and I got my computer back! Hilariously I wrote most of this on my phone in my bed when I woke up at 530am this morning. But! I did finish it on the computer so that felt nice. It’s sooooo good to have this computer back. I’m very grateful that it was fixable, and that my work paid to fix it for me!

I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend, and a fabulous start to summer (if summer is something that “starts” for you). I’m soooo ready for summer at this point.

Wow, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss writing posts in WordPress. Their interface has never been my favorite (especially after the invent of “blocks”) but it sure does beat typing in a document or email and then pasting it back into the app on my phone. No thank you. Unsubscribe.

But at least I can type posts on a computer (instead of my phone), which I appreciate. That is one of the things keeping me sane these days. Oh, and that my ocular migraine this morning only last two block periods. Thank the universe for that. Here are a few others I’m appreciating these days.

A clean(ish) house. On Sunday, after my 9-hour belt test, I woke up and was struck by what a dumpster fire my house was. Everywhere I looked I saw mess and filth. And I no longer had the excuse of my belt test looming to put it off. So, I got to work. I did my regular weekend chores of vacuuming all the floors and shaking out the rugs, but I also cleaned both bathroom floors (and counters/sinks/toilets), and parts of the kitchen, and vacuumed the downstairs and changed all the sheets. Our downstairs bathroom was especially gross and I’ve been so pleased to walk into it this week, and to revel in the clear and clean counter tops and the sparkling floor. It sucked to spend so many hours after my big test cleaning, but once it was done I felt even more stress fall off me.

 

The belt ceremony this Saturday. The black belts got their stripes and the high red belts got their black belts at the test, but the rest of us have to wait until the belt ceremony, which is this Saturday. I am really excited to get my red belt, which was made by the founder’s mother and has my name embroidered on it. Red belts at our dojo are no joke. I’ve been training for this for seven years and I’ve been training especially hard the last two years. I am honored to receive this belt, and to have my effort and service recognized. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that I rarely feel appreciated at work, where it can seem like most of my middle schoolers are more interested in avoiding my efforts than appreciating them, and I love feeling seen and recognized by my peers at the dojo. Also, red belts get to train in t-shirts, so no heavy gi jacket when I’m hot! (I’ll never forget when I was a yellow belt and saw someone training without their gi jacket on. I immediately took off mine and marveled at how nice it felt to train without it. Except someone promptly told me that only red belts (and above) could train without their jackes and I remember being so disheartened because I was sure that I would never, NEVER be a red belt. I wonder what yellow-belt me would think about this Saturday’sbelt ceremony. She would probably be stunned.

 

Summer is coming. Next week I have four work days (I’m missing Tuesday for the 11yo’s 5^th grade promotion). The following week I have four work days with students, but one I’ll be at Great America (with the 8^thgraders) and two are 1-6 minimum days where the students will be signing yearbooks and I’ll be packing up part of my room. The hard part now is striking that delicate balance of having engaging activities for them to do next week, but not needing to score any of it. I have a few ideas, and I hope they pan out. The best news is I didn’t have to cover Preterite past tense this year in the 1B classes which means we have some breathing room, instead of a giant test coming up. Woot!

 

June (un) gloom? (WHERE IS THE STRIKETHROUGH WORDPRESS SERIOUSLY?!) June is generally really foggy in the city, hence, “June gloom,” but this June we have some fun stuff on the docket. Honestly right now I feel a little panicked looking at our June calendar (which I put on the white board last weekend because I needed to see everything up there), but I’m trying to remind myself that most of the stuff on there is fun, and doesn’t require massive time commitments or effort leading up to them. Even the turning-15yo’s birthday should be relatively easy on the 7^th. We’ll have the grandparents over in the early afternoon, then her two best friends will spend the night after the 11yo goes home with the in-laws). The almost 15yo doesn’t want much for her birthday, so I’m not even stressing about presents. And yes, 8^th grade promotion at my school is a little stressful (I’m reading names this year!), but I’ve done it (literally) twenty times before so I know how it goes. I’m trying to keep June light, and get excited about St. Louis and the farm (we fly there on the final weekend of the month). 

Books and TV. I finished Un Mundo Sin Fin! 50 hours in Spanish! I ended up really liking the last 20 hours after picking it up again. I’ll def listen to later Pillars of the Earth installments (there are four?!), but am taking a break for now. I’m really liking the audiobook of Light from Uncommon Stars, but I’m also reading it in bed some nights. I started a new Dolores Redondo audiobook (Todo esto te daré) and it’s shaping up to be the crime thriller she writes so well. The 15yo and I are watching the third season of Ted Lasso and she’s joining me periodically on my Secret Lives of Mormon Wives binge (I only watch while I’m working). The 11yo and I are listening to Ready Player One, which I loved the first time (and he’s reading Hunger Games, which he likes!) The husband and I finished the final season of The Righteous Gemstones (that show is consistently amazing and I loved the ending). I realized the Murderbot audio novelas are on Hoopla so I can plow through them without waiting. I’m on #3 and am really enjoying them. Oh, and I got three episodes into Eternaut, a Chilean end-of-days drama on Netflix and really liked it. The husband is at a concert this Sat and I plan to continue (or finish?) it. Finally the family took a break on the Fast and the Furious franchise to pick up Mission Impossible (after watching Edge of Tomorrow first, which everyone loved). We started on MI:4 and have watched MI:5 and let me tell you, they are very watchable movies. Absolutely no character development, but the stunts and effects are amazing. Also, Tom Cruise is not hard to look at (and a very young Rebecca Fergueson thrilled the 14yo and I in Rogue Nation). I will admit that having stuff to watch and listen to really helps me manage stressful stretches. I’m thankful for all this entertainment right now

Oh hey there! It’s been hella long, but here I am just slipping into your reader, like it hasn’t been almost THREE WEEKS weeks since I last posted. (A post that itself was two weeks after the one before it.)

A lot has been going on. I mean A LOT. First, I got the yearbook done. I officially released it on Sunday night (5/18) and the next morning I woke up and though of everything I needed to review for my red belt test that coming weekend. I was at the dojo every night, except for Wednesday when I was stuck in my classroom until 7pm for our Celebration of Learning (fka Open House). This required I clean up my classroom, which can get pretty messy. By 5pm I started throwing sheets over the worst messes, and focused on creating a slide show that would automatically advance after a video played, but it never worked (I think the videos had to be embedded from YouTube, and couldn’t be from drive). 

At some point during the week, I recognized the return of my overactive thyroid symptoms. I was about two weeks into a halved dose of my medication, and was really bummed out to understand that it clearly wasn’t able to manage my thyroid. I emailed my doctor at the start of the week, but I did so as a response to her original email instructing me to halve my dose., When she hadn’t gotten back to me a few days later I sent a separate email and she responded to that one quickly, telling me to go back to my original dose, but by then my symptoms had gotten worse. So now I’m supposed to take my meds like before for fours more weeks, then I’ll get blood work done again and I guess we’ll decide next steps then. I’m not sure what it means that our first attempt to reduce my dose went awry so quickly. I guess this is what the next two years will be like. I will say, having been granted a reprieve from the nightly hot flushes, poor sleep and consistently high heart rate, it really sucked to feel so badly again. Especially since my big belt test was that week.

My belt test on Saturday was nine hours long. I got to the dojo at 9am and was waiting at the bus stop to go home at 7pm. It was a long exhausting day. I did well. I’m proud of how I showed up. The sparring session was really rough and after one person did something scary (but ultimately fine) to my left knee, a female black belt punched me in the face multiple times. We don’t really punch each other in the face at our dojo, but they spar harder in Seattle. I will admit that I cried (more from emotional overwhelm than the pain) and it took me about an hour to pull myself together. Long, high belt tests are always as emotionally grueling as they are physically demanding and this one was no different. I was so, so SO glad when it was over. 

 

Sunday morning I woke up with a huge weight lifted. The yearbook was printing. Celebration of Learning was done. The belt test was over. My parents came to get kids around noon and the husband and I spent all day eating and drinking in various neighborhoods of the city. It was so nice to hang out and reconnect with him. We left home at 1pm and didn’t get back until 9 that evening. We watched the final episode of The Righteous Gemstones (that show is so good) and passed out. Except I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep for hours. It sucked. I really hope that my overactive thyroid symptoms resolve again soon.

 

Monday was book club. I almost finished the book (Just Mercy, a non-apologetic look at how this country – and especially the South – weaponizes the justice system (specifically the death sentence) to destroy the lives of black, brown and impoverished people, especially children and the mentally disabled. It was hard to read, but we can’t look away from the reality of this country..

I had to pick the next book and I went with Light from Uncommon Stars because it’s SFPL’s One City Same Page pick for May – June, and I’ve had it on my to-read lists for a long time (I have no idea why I originally put it there, to be honest). 

I am very thankful that this week has been a short one at work. Today (Wednesday), I threw my annual Tamales y Mole party for the students who went above and beyond requirements to complete everything offered on their free reading boards. 

 

It was, as everything seems to be in my life lately, a comedy of errors. Someone drank a bunch of the Jarritos I put in the staff room fridge, even though I used the “personal items – do not touch” fridge. My 6^th grade advisory was supposed to be outside with their 8^th grade leaders, but that was cancelled (and no one told me), so they were in my room while I was trying to set up (for a party they were not invited to).  Despite putting the tamales in the oven for an hour, some were still barely warm. The Jarritos were not twist open and while I was thankful the cooler I was borrowing had a bottle opener, it didn’t work great so I had to open all 35 students’ bottles and many of them sprayed all over me. (I really cannot overstate how much soda was on my hair, face and clothes after this). The party was stressful and short and then it was over and I had a ton of work to do to clean it up. 

That event was the final “big, difficult thing you need to get done” in a long line of big, difficult things I needed to get done (did I mention the pizza party for the yearbook clubs last Wednesday, that was almost ruined when I called three different pizza places that couldn’t deliver pizzas to us by 11am? I hadn’t even thought of that when I scheduled the party for our minimum day when we have a really early lunch). There are still a couple annoying things to get done at work, but overall it should down hill until the last day of the school year (June 12^th with students).

I still haven’t gotten my work computer back, and I haven’t taken my external hard drive somewhere to see if they can get my entire digital life off it (have I mentioned this? That my back up external hard drive, that has ALL THE PHOTOS AND VIDEOS I’ve ever taken of my kids, won’t show up on any computers?) I finally broke down and recreated a bunch of documents that I needed this past weekend so I could officially bring the free reading program to a close. I forgot to ask them to install Firefox on this loaner, which is part of why I haven’t posted in so long, because Firefox is generally my “personal” browser (where all my personal passwords are stored) and Chrome is my work browser, and I’ve been doing everything personal on my phone while I wait for my work computer to come back (the third-party vendor fixing it is waiting for parts). I’m actually writing this in a Word document (::face palm::) and then I guess I’ll email it to myself (from my work email to my regular email) and then I’ll paste it into WordPress. I suppose if you’re reading this sentence then it worked!

Sorry I’ve been away so long! And that I haven’t been commenting. I’m not always reading posts when they go up but I am catching up eventually. I hope my next post will be in the next few days and not the next few weeks. Fingers crossed.