Not a Wasted Word

A couple other people did this recently (Sarah, San, Sam, I swear there were more but now I can’t find them…) and I thought I’d give a try, as I continue to try to focus on the positives.

My car massager. I’ve had a version of this massager in my car for literally longer than I can remember. I use it every time I drive, usually on my lower back. I love it and it makes driving an almost pleasurable experience. Earlier this week I tweaked a muscled between my shoulder blades (my lat?) and it has been driving me crazy. In the car I’ve been able to get the massager to dig into it for long periods and it helped my healing time substantially. I would be in a lot more pain right now if it weren’t for my car massager.

My new glasses. I LOVE my new glasses. They are the best. I love how they look, I love how they feel, and I love how I see at work. I am SO GLAD I made an appointment in October, instead of waiting until December, to get my new prescription and to order new glasses. Best thing I did this fall.

Yogurt and granola. I’m a lazy MF in the kitchen and I sometimes eat a weird times. There have been many a night where a little bowl of yogurt (plain or vanilla) and some granola has sated my hunger AND scratched my just-a-little-something-sweet-please itch. I’ll also give a shout out here to TJ’s Pumpkin Spice Cold Coffee Concentrate and Vanilla Almond or Soy milk, which has been a lovely treat on weekend mornings.

Listening. Having something to listen to really helps me when I’m feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated. A good podcast or audiobook makes everything better: driving, washing dishes, folding laundry, checking off student work. As I already mentioned, I’m LOVING Truly, Madly, Deeply from Cursed Media. (I forgot to say that you can listen to the first episode for free on the QAA podcast!) If Books Could Kill put out a third and final Eric Adams episode on Patreon and Maintenance Phase just did a great episode on Raw Milk in their main feed. I just finished Nicholas Binge’s Ascension as an audiobook and REALLY loved it. It’s a very unique sci-fi story that was super captivating, with a really strange premise that was very executed incredibly well. I highly recommend. Before that I listened to La Anomolía (Hervé Le Tellier’s The Anomoly in Spanish (it was originally written in French) which I also really liked (thanks Jenny and Jj for the recommendations!) I just started listening to Jessica Grose’s Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood (I also got the physical book) which is a great compliment to the deep dive into trad wives. I’ve been two weeks away from Jen Hatmaker’s Awake for at least a week and am itching to start that. Jen Hatmaker makes a cameo in the Unicorn Girl podcast I loved so much a few weeks ago. (If anyone knows of a podcast like Unicorn Girl please let me know! I’d love a 6-8 part series on just about anything right now).

Getting SOMETHING done. I’ve struggled lately to stay focused, and motivated. One thing that’s helping me stay sane while I struggle is just getting something done, even if it’s not the thing I’m supposed to be doing. You don’t want to score those assessments? Then look through the photos on your phone for the calendar. You don’t want to vacuum the floors, then pull some garments from the closet that you don’t really wear anymore. Switching gears and accomplishing something has been really helping me manage my recent malaise.

PS I finally responded to all the comments from the last few days. Sorry that took so long!

We’re almost half way through NaBloPoMo and I feel like I’m sputtering ahead, posting every night because I promised myself I would, but not moving in any specific direction. I am sticking (EXCLUSIVELY!) to the Five-theme, because at least that adds something cohesive to my efforts, even if only superficially. I feel like I can barely keep my thoughts straight these days, let along get them down on “paper.” I’m sorry, this is not a great look.

Here are some random things I can mange to write about right now.

Photo documentation. In my attempts to not leave looming task to the last minute, I went through all my photos last night, first favoriting them, and then going through the favorites and moving the calendar appropriate photos into a specific folder (let’s be honest, the last step was mostly culling some of the cat photos so mostly humans showed up in the calendar – sadly its mostly for the grandparents or there would mostly cats). As I worked my way through the photos, I was struck by the photographic evidence of my health issues, not just in my varying body sizes throughout the year, but also in the horrific photos I took of my face and eyes to document my skin conditions and Grave’s Disease symptoms to share with my doctors. It was quite the emotional roller coaster, scrolling through photos from January until today. I’m really grateful that I’m feeling so much better now.

Shopping spree me. Speaking of different body sizes, I’ve been on a shopping spree lately. I feel like my style is changing rapidly and I am VERY interested in finding new looks that I love. Weirdly, I have taken to walking into stores (::cough:: Uniqlo ::cough::) and just buying items, many of them AT FULL PRICE. That is not something I do. I buy things on sale. Usually at deep discount. Selecting items from a narrower set of options, or waiting for something else to go on sale, has always been my way of setting boundaries around my spending, which can become excessive. On a recent visit, as I dropped my items into the weird bucket where they are automatically scanned (it’s so weird – have you tried it?!) I literally thought to myself, Who even am I?

Emotional insight. I’m clearly using retail therapy to work through some internal stuff. On Wednesday, after the long car ride with my sobbing daughter, I arrived home to find a clothing order had been taken from our entryway. I was so bummed out. I honestly almost cried myself! Later a neighbor came over and showed me video of the person taking it. (He had been lingering around our house for a while, and the neighbor was watching because it looked suspicious and he was worried). I had actually been trying to console myself with, if only I knew what happened! And seeing it did help (the person who took the order was clearly not well), but my sadness lingered, even though I didn’t need anything in the order urgently. I keep telling myself that I should be thankful that it happened, because it made me very aware of how much I was expecting the purchase to distract me from negative feelings. A stolen clothing order should not be that big of a deal.

{I usually use Black Friday to stock up on essentials, or to buy things we would have gotten anyway, and I need to be VERY careful going into this holiday shopping season to make sure that I’m being honest with myself about what we really need, and what I just want.}

Commenting Conundrums. I still cannot comment on WordPress blogs. I might have actually messed up my wordpress.com account attempting to fix the problem. I am increasingly frustrated by this persistent issue. I am someone who kind of loses her shit when technology gives her trouble, so I either need to fix this ASAP, or abandon my efforts entirely. In the meantime, if you have a wordpress.com blog, I apologize for not being able to comment! I really am trying (and having a tantrum about it too!)

Slog. Things are still feeling like a slog. Everything is, which makes the days very long. Today, when I saw the sink full of dishes, I felt… rage? I was just so annoyed that I had to deal with all that. And it wasn’t even that much! (I mean it looked like a lot, but I knew it wasn’t really as bad as it looked). I put on my earbuds and got it done, but man was I in a bad mood about it initially. I bring that particular example up because it’s a decent encapsulation of where I’m at mentally and emotionally. I’m just super annoyed that I have to the every day tasks that make up life! Not a super productive mindset. I will say that once I get started on something, it’s not that bad. And while working out has been hard to initiate, I have felt better after getting my heart rate up.

It’s 9pm and I just got off the elliptical. I need to do some core work, then shower and get the 12yo to bed (the 15yo and husband are at a concert tonight). I better post this, because I can’t let good be the enemy of done (this should be my new saying) when it comes to NaBloPoMo or I’ll never make it to the end.

Today was a looong slog. I was struggling to get through my four block classes. If we hadn’t just watched Coco (in the 7th and 8th grades) and Book of Life (in the 6th grade) I probably would have put on a movie. Similarly, I’m home now and struggling to look over the 8th graders Trimester 1 Reflections. I just don’t want to do anything. Blerg. I hope this lifts soon.

In an attempt to embrace the positive, despite my gloomy mood, here are some bright spots from today.

My favorite leg warmers. A storm came in, and with it some chillier temps. My leg warmers work great with my rain boots so I put on some fun leggings and enjoyed these awesome leg warmers for the first time this year.

New rain boots for the boys. I got these rain boots (shoes?) for the husband, whose previous pair of rain boots couldn’t really be worn to work, and also had holes in them. It took a long time to find a pair I thought he’d be willing to wear with slacks and a sports jacket, but I finally did! And he likes them! And he said they worked great today! I’m so pleased. I really have been looking for ages. I also got the 12yo a pair of “all weather” boots that I was worried he wouldn’t like (and would be too big), but he loved them and they fit and they kept his feet dry today. We don’t usually get big storms like this so early in the year, so it was nice to be ready when this one hit!

Perfect Boom Card Decks. I just started using Boom Cards this year and I have to admit, I am frustrated that I have no editing rights over the sets that I purchase. A lot of the time there are random cards in the deck that have words or phrases my students aren’t familiar with. We’re learning gender of nouns and articles in Spanish 1A and my students have clearly been struggling. I got a couple Boom Card decks so they can get real-time feedback, and two of the sets were clearly taken straight out of the textbook I use to teach grammar. They had all the words we reviewed in our notes, and I was so grateful for the very relevant review and practice it provided for my students.

Episode Four of Truly Tradly Deeply. I am LOVING Truly Tradly Deeply, the limited series podcast from Cursed Media ($25/yr for all their content) that provides a deep dive into the tradosphere. I have a weird obsession with “tradwives” and this podcast is scratching all my “wait, they think/say/do what?” itches. Also, the in depth commentary on the cultural significance of the growing popularity of tradwives and all they espouse is insightful and thought-provoking. The series great, and I love it, and I have to wait each week for a new episode to come out, and today I had a new episode to listen to! Hooray!

Going to bed early. I’m really tired and I’m heading to bed, before 10pm! I should get work done tonight, but I don’t NEED to, so I’m going to consider it a win that I can push things to the weekend and attempt to get a good night’s sleep. It was honestly kind of hard to identify five bright spots today. Tomorrow is Friday, so it will probably be better.

The 15yo did not get the internship. She was devastated. I left my staff meeting early to pick her up after school and she sobbed and sobbed in the car. It was hard.

I’m kind of having a hard time right now. Not quite sure what is going on, but I just don’t want to do much of anything. I’m really struggling to stay motivated, especially at work. It’s an exhausting place to be, mentally and emotionally.

So today is probably a good day to share five sayings I repeat (are these mantras?), that help me. I’m not really an affirmations person, but I do appreciate these little reminders.

Don’t believe everything you think. I have this on a little sign I got at the Zen Buddhist Center almost 20 years ago. Learning that much of what I believed to be true were really stories my brain invented to make sense of the world was powerful in my 20s and it’s a lesson I can never be reminded of enough.

If nothings changes, nothing changes. Tunde, one of my favorite Peloton instructors says this a lot. I’m not sure if she’s borrowing that message, but I appreciate it. When she says it, she’s reminding us that if we don’t push harder, or attempt heavier weights, we won’t get stronger. I think about the truth of that simple statement in all aspects of my life. If I don’t make changes, I can’t expect anything to change. So obvious, and yet I frequently need the reminder.

We can do hard things. I don’t remember much of Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, but I definitely chanted “we can do hard things” at my kids for a while after I read it. They were NOT fans of that phrase, but I still say it every once in a while, just to assure them that it’s true.

This too shall pass. I can get pretty stuck in the muck when I’m feeling down, and “this too shall pass,” really helps me stop projecting into the future. This too shall pass is does some heavy lifting for me.

So it’s not just a clever name. Okay, so this is not a mantra, but it is a line (from Wayne’s World!) that I quote constantly. You might not think it has a much utility in every day life, but I assure you I find ample opportunities to utter it. If you’re trying to remember the specific scene, I’ll give you a hint… the Shitty Beatles.

I made the most of my random Tuesday off, which feels even more random as I learn how many people do NOT have it off.

Sleeping in. I slept until 9:30am! 3.5 extra hours of sleep mid-week? Yes please! I had a pretty lazy couple hours after I woke up too.

Lunch with the husband. We walked to get lunch. We went to a spot that we’ve always loved for its banh mi, and that started making garlic noodles with popcorn chicken. Except it’s always sold out by the time we’re off work. So today we got to go early enough to try it! And boy, was it good.

Gratuitous TV watching. The husband and I watched an episode of Task, which we started ages ago and then never had time to continue. The second episode was so good! Now I really want to keep watching it.

Pancake day! Long time listeners know that the 12yo is such a selective eater that it’s hard to pack him a lunch. Most days he gets pancakes in his lunch, which means that every couple weeks I make A LOT of pancakes, and then freeze most of them. Today was one of those days. I queued up my audiobook (I’m listening to Nicholas Binge’s Ascension, which is dynamite!) and made a Costco-sized pancake mix bag of mochi pancakes.

Sparring concepts and sparring. I haven’t been to the Sparring Concepts class at the dojo in a long time, because it starts so late and I’m always so tired on Tuesdays. But today I had the energy and the time, so I went and it was a good time. Sparring was really fun, because there were only four red belts there, and we spent the whole 30 minutes on the ground. I’m so glad the dojo was open today! It just goes to show that I do not understand Veteran’s Day at all.

I am SO ANNOYED to have Tuesday off this week.It’s making me crazy. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a precious three day weekend and in it’s place I what?… Go to work for one day, then have one day off then go back to work for three days? What even is that? So I’m trying hard to make this day count as a real day off and not just another day to get work done when I’m not being paid to do so.

I made the best of today by having a test in my 1B classes (only two kids were absent) and having the four kids that were absent for the Day of the Dead Assessment make that up during lunch. I really needed it to feel like being at work was actually worth something today.

I met the husband for happy hour drinks and dinner at a sushi spot near his work downtown. We got two drinks each, and stuffed ourselves with sushi and Japanese food for $150 (AFTER tip!) that is a fucking steal in San Francisco. It was so fun to meet up with him for an impromptu dinner downtown. We haven’t met for a meal near his work since the summer.

The 15yo had swim so we timed it to meet her when she was heading home. Usually just the husband waits for her after swim, so she was surprised to see me there. We spent some time walking the long way back to BART so we could appreciate some of the newly hung winter lights. It was fun hanging out, just the three of us, on the way home. Having a little buzz from the dinner drinks didn’t hurt.

All this was possible because the 12yo got picked up from school by his grandparents and went to their house for a sleep over. The husband came home to quickly change, then went to a concert, which means that tonight the 15yo and I can watch Batman Begins and eat furikake popcorn. The 15yo is a relatively new Batman fan, and I have been obsessed for decades, so it will be really fun to share the first movie in the iconic Nolan trilogy with her.

Tomorrow I plan to sleep in. Then I hope to luxuriate in a day with few hard deadlines. I do have to score some test, and do some chores, but I want to take things slow and really relax into the day off. I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS DAY GOSHDARNIT! Even if they make it basically impossible by putting it on a Tuesday.

Do you get tomorrow off? How are you spending your mid-week day off?

I intended to write a post today, but it did not happen. So here are five more pictures from yesterday’s hike.

Okay, so the hike was actually pretty intense. I did get a little breathless and I did sweat. So was it a workout? I am less sure how to categorize it now. Sometimes it’s hard to define things in life!

I can declare that the weather today was beautiful. Perfect even! I’m so glad I took the opportunity to skip the dojo and spend the time outside with my family.

Here are five photos from our hike today. We really do live in an amazing area.

Ack! It’s 9:17pm on Friday evening and I still haven’t posted. An NaBloPoMo almost-fail! It’s late and I’ve just finished a ton of mundane chores, and I’m itching to sit on the couch with a little drink, so let’s bang this out, shall we? I wanted to circle back on a couple things I wrote about earlier this week, because I’m posting every day this month and I have the “time.”

I did work out last night! I did two Jess Sims Flash 15’s back to back. It was fun and quick and made me out of breath and sweaty. Speaking of which, JJ took issue with my not considering our hike tomorrow a workout. I explained that I don’t consider a hike my kids might enjoy a real workout, and that I have to sweat to feel like I’ve properly exercised. I only shower when I workout, but what that really means is I only shower when I sweat. And since I sweat easily, and copiously, this has always been my metric for what to consider “working out.” I’m curious if others agree, or think I’m batty. Would you consider a five mile hike with your kids a workout? How do you determine what is a workout and what is other kids of moving your body?

I have NOT been getting more sleep this week and I’m super bummed about that. I really thought I was taking advantage of the time change to get to bed earlier, but my FitBit is not nearly as enthusiastic about my efforts. I’m still averaging about 6.5 hours a night this week, instead of 7 or the highly coveted 7.5. Alas, I guess 6.5 hours is the most I can hope for on a work night. I guess it’s good that I seem able to function at that level of sleep. Also, it’s getting dark so early now. I forgot how disorienting that is at first, especially when the temps are low enough to feel like it’s actually winter.

I got the last two reading responses scored! And I downloaded some examples of work that is Approaching, Meeting and Exceeding on the rubric so they can see examples of what I’m looking for when I say “details from the novel.” I do have some planning to do this weekend, but I have NO GRADING and I’m so thrilled about that.

As soon as I posted my “Hopes for November” post I wanted to edit it because I totally forgot to include NaBloPoMo and my hopes to build community through my own posting efforts, and everyone else’s. If I were to rewrite that post, I would put “Calendar” and “Work” stuff together into a “Stay ahead of deadlines” section, because I DON’T want to keep pushing things back to the first few days of the Thanksgiving Break when I know they won’t provide the time or space necessary to get all the stuff done. Of course, this coming Tuesday will ALSO not provide the time or space to complete all the tasks I currently have slated for that random mid-week holiday, so I need to start being more realistic about how much will get done that day.

As you probably figured out from above, we are still planning on hiking by Mt. Tam tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to a Saturday away from the dojo, and out in the sunshine (and it looks like the weather will cooperate!) My kids are already complaining about it, but I think once they get started they’ll be okay. I hope to post some photos in tomorrow’s post.

If you’ve read me for any amount of time, you know I’m not a fan of Thursdays. That is because on Thursdays I have to teach four 85-minute block periods and I don’t get a break (prep) period. I also teach all three of my classes, so I have to have a lot of different lessons planned and ready. This Thursday is especially bad because I have supervision duty this week, so I have to be out on the black top for one of my precious break times. I really, REALLY hope that one year I will have a prep period that gives me a break on Thursday, but I always get fourth period prep, so I don’t think it will ever happen. SIGH.

I have to book it out of school right after the bell this afternoon to make it to my allergy shot appointment on time. If I don’t get into my car mere minutes after the bell, the traffic will get so bad that I’ll sit in the parking lot for 15-20 minutes. It sucks. It also sucks that I still have to get allergy shots. They definitely help manage my symptoms, but I haven’t gotten to a place where I can stop taking the (I still react to the shot, which means I need to keep getting the shots). I probably will never get to stop, and I’ll have to keep coming once a month if I want my symptoms eased, which I do!

I’ve been grading like crazy this past week. I’ve scored student reflections, Day of the Dead assessments, writing assessments, speaking assessments, reading responses, and now I have the last reading responses (all for two classes each). I am going to be so glad when I don’t have to do anymore thoughtful, time consuming scoring for a little while! My brain feels like oatmeal.

Today I introduced my free reading program, which is going to become a choice comprehensible input program this year, to the 1A classes. I’m really proud of this program, and I’m excited for the changes I hope to make this year. Some students were clearly very excited about it. They had a lot of good questions and started reading their books as soon as they checked them out. It’s fun to see how a new group responds to the program.

To work out or not to work out tonight, that is the question? When I planned my workouts for this week I did not have anything slated for this evening, because I’ll be home pretty late. (I’m going to Costco after the thirty minute wait at the allergy shot office). But I’m realizing that I might not want to work out after the hike with the family on Saturday so I’m wondering if I should do something tonight. I’m going to make a game-time decision later today, and I don’t love that uncertainty, but I also want to give myself space. Sometimes a 5pm Costco run wrecks me and sometimes it’s not that bad. I’ll keep you all updated. I’d only be doing a 30 minute strength class, which isn’t that hard to manage, even after a day as long as this one.