Dodging a Bullet

Almost two weeks ago, right when we got back from Disneyland, our tenant informed us that he had bedbugs. He had one in a bag, to prove it.

He had evidently learned of the bed bug situation a week before, and had actually taken considerable steps to control the situation and prevent spreading. By the time we entered his unit, all his clothes were in large Ziplock bags, his bed was in the middle of the room, his mattress and box spring were encased, the legs of his bed were covered in double sided sticky tape, and the feet of his frame were in interceptors. He had also put down a chemical treatment (we didn’t know that at the time).

We called an exterminator to come inspect the house. We weren’t sure if we had them as well, but none of us had been bitten (although only 50-75% of people even react to bed bug bites, so we couldn’t go on that alone), and I saw no signs of them on our mattresses, so we held out a tenuous hope that we were safe. Our appointment was a week out (first one they had) so we spent the days silently fretting, bagging up all the stuffed animals, moving the beds from the walls, and putting the feet of our bed frames in diatomaceous earth. I bought XL and XXL ziplock bags and a bunch of plastic containers and started to pack up clothes we didn’t use regularly.

By Wednesday I was feeling pretty sure that we didn’t have bedbugs, and hoping the exterminator treatment of our tenant’s unit wouldn’t go much over the $3K minimum I had been quoted. Then, my husband found three bites on his arm. Three bites, right in a row. The moment he showed them to me, my hope dissipated. Three bites in a row is the tell tale sign of bed bugs. I was sure we had them; now I just hoped it was only in our room.

We had to tell our parents at this point, because our son’s birthday party was supposed to be at our house on Sunday afternoon, and we knew they wouldn’t want to come over. My in-laws immediately retracted an invite for our son to come over the next day (they’ve had bed bugs before and are terrified to get them again). My poor son was crushed, and my worst fears of how people would fear and avoid us if they ever knew, were validated. I was really overwhelmed and depressed.

Friday came and the inspectors came with it. They found more bed bugs in our tenants apartment, but they were all dead. (At the time this caused great confusion because we didn’t know yet that our tenant had used a chemical treatment.) They looked all over his apartment, taking the staples out of the box spring and shining lights into the cracks around the baseboards, but found no other signs of bed bugs. They didn’t find any trace of them in our house either.

Without finding live bugs, the exterminator could not recommend a treatment. We dodged a $3K+ bullet, at least for the time being.

Our tenant, who has been hard for us to work with when he believes there is a problem–we’ve had to call out PG&E when he believed the heater didn’t work (it did), we’ve had to call in a plumber when he said the water didn’t get hot (you just have to wait a while), we had to call out a service man when he didn’t think the stove turned on (he wasn’t doing it right, and wouldn’t believe us), he’s even made us change light bulbs and the batteries in his fire detectors because he couldn’t “figure it out” — still thinks we should get his unit treated. He also believes he got the bed bugs from mice (we still have some in our garage) or from feral cats (his unit shares outside walls with the backyard), and no amount of explaining that bed bugs don’t travel on cats or mice will convince him otherwise. This is frustrating to me because he DID bring them in from somewhere, and if he really didn’t leave the city, like he claims, he got them from somewhere he’s likely to visit again, which means he could bring them back.

Yesterday we had a dog come and sniff for bed bugs, just to be sure. The dog didn’t “make an alert” so at this point we can assume we are free of these incessant pests. I feel like I won the lottery, I am so relieved. Not only do we not have to spend thousands of dollars getting our unit, or our own house, treated, but we also don’t have to spend months living out of sealed bags, washing and drying everything on hot, and sleeping with the beds in the middle of the rooms. We are so, so lucky we didn’t get bed bugs. I will never travel again without taking steps to mitigate the possibility of bringing them home.

Moving forward, I am going to get allergen covers for the kids’ beds. We already have a good one on our mattress and pillows because I am allergic to dust mites, and it gave me a lot of peace of mind to know they couldn’t get through that and take up residence in our actual mattress (evidently allergen-barrier covers can keep bed bugs out, but will not keep them in if you already have bed bugs, which can bite you through an allergen-barrier cover). I also already got a bed bug encasement for the wooden platform our mattress sits on, just to be safe. Neither of my kids’ beds have box springs, so protecting their mattresses is all I can do.

I can’t tell you the weight that has been lifted since we learned we don’t have bed bugs. There is still a part of me that worries they will come back, but mostly I’m just relieved. Things are still crazy, and I just got some really bad news at work, but honestly, everything else pales in comparison to learning we aren’t dealing with such an dauntingly impossible pest. I am so, so thankful we aren’t dealing with bed bugs. It would have been such a nightmare. What a bullet we just dodged.

Have you ever had bed bugs?

What bullets have you dodged lately (or ever)?

THIO

Thank goodness it’s over!

I had been glancing at this past weekend on the calendar with dread for most of the month. I am so glad we’re past it. 

It ended up being not as bad as I expected. Super busy, but not too bad. 

I spoke at a Kindergarten Round Table at my son’s preschool to promote my daughter’s school. We go to a Spanish Immersion preschool/daycare and my daughter’s school is Spanish Immersion so there really isn’t a better group of parents to talk to about the school. I’m glad I went. 

I did end up presenting after a father who was speaking about one of the most highly coveted schools in the district (and also Spanish Immersion) . Evidently their PTA raises $430K a year, and “just takes care of everything the school needs.” They even pay for two full time teacher salaries! That totally bummed me out. We struggle to raise $5K a year. The indiscrepency is astounding.

Saturday night was a birthday party at one of those jumpy house emporiums. So intense! Both kids had fun though, and we got them out of the house for the afternoon.  

Sunday was a big PTA event, and the first event I felt was a success. We had a table at our neighborhood multi-block party that is always a really big deal. The purpose of being there is to talk up the school to local parents in the hopes they will send their kids to it. (Our schools is located in a very well-to-do neighborhood but very few parents there send their kids to our school. Most of our student population is bused in from the “least desirable” areas, where the schools have mostly been shut down due to poor attendance and low teacher retention.) It’s also a nice place to make a little money. 

For once I think we did both!

It was my idea to bring calaveras sugar cookies with stuff for the kids to decorate them. My mom was amazing and made the cookies and icing and we just charged a dollar per cookie and it was a huge hit. So while the parents were standing around watching their kids decorate cookies we talked about our school. It feels good to finally achieve the outcome we wanted. It also felt good that my idea was such a success. 


Sunday was also my son’s birthday. I spent the morning at the event, and took the kids for a couple hours, then cleaned the house while my son slept. The grandparents can over at 4pm and my son indulged in the present orgy he’s been talking about for months. I do think he was really happy with everything he got. 


We had an early dinner and enjoyed cake. The grandparents left and we built some LEGO sets the kids had gotten. My daughter rocked it all day—she finally seems capable of enjoying a party where she is not the main focus (and the one getting all the presents). My son handled himself well too, though the morning was a challenge (it was so hard not wait for his presents).

I definitely want to bring down the present expectation at Christmas this year. My daughter is ready but my son is not. We’ll see how it goes. 

What were you up to this weekend?

Newton’s 1st Law

An object in motion stays in motion, and an object at rest stays at rest.

But it’s not just objects, it’s people too.

This year, for me, is constant motion. Some days the inertia driving me forward feels overwhelming. I worry that something intractable will force me to stop suddenly, and I will shatter.

My husband is the opposite. He is an object at rest and getting him in gear is almost impossible. I feel like, for the first time in our marriage, I am really and truly accepting of this and instead of feeling resentment, I am simply searching for a force great enough to move him.

Because I really need his help.

I recognize my part in creating this situation. I made choices and now I am dealing with the obligations born of those choices. But a great portion of this year’s chaos is out of my control, and I wasn’t aware of so much when I made the choices that are compounding the chaos.

In the end, I realize I’m wearing none of my hats well. I am not effective in any of my roles, and I feel like a total and complete failure. I know I need to cut myself some slack, but it’s hard. I thought I could do it all and I can’t.

I read the posts by people who evidently can do it all. It’s hard not to compare. I try to remind myself that I don’t have the financial resources to hire someone full time, to provide their livelihood in exchange for a full work-week of their help. If I could things would probably be different. And I no longer have the family help I used to (my inlaws are spending more and more time in Texas visiting their daughter who is dealing with a high-risk pregnancy – this month they were gone for three weeks). Also, some of stressors I’m faced with, I couldn’t have been predicted, and they would turn anyone’s life upside down. I know all this, but still it feels like I’m failing.

I will say, I’m handling it all so much better than I normally would. Sometimes I think I’m going to cry, and my eyes even get hot and watery, but the tears never really come. Instead I find myself resigned to the point of acceptance, and thinking more about what I can do to make things better, instead of reveling in woe-is-me and regret. In the past everything would have seemed intractably bad, I would have felt my circumstances were totally out of my control, instead of being able to recognize the part I played in creating them, and finding ways to think pragmatically about next steps.

{Can magnesium really create these kinds of foundational changes? I don’t know what else to attribute them to, and I’ve spent a lot of time trying new meds and assessing their effectiveness. I have NEVER experienced such an obvious or dramatic change in mood and ability to manage stress.}

So yeah. Life is feeling really hard right now, but I’m getting through. Day by day, I’m making it work. Or at the least I’m making it to bedtime and getting up the next morning. Sometimes that has to count as a win.

{Also, if you know how to light a fire under the ass of an “at rest” husband, please let me know. I’m desperate to get this object in motion.}

Bike Hacks

It’s not always easy to transport stuff on the bike, but I usually find a way. 

A stroller.

Three big, heavy bags of groceries.

A bunch of Mylar balloons.

Three big kids (and their back packs-two in basket and one hanging off back seat)

This is your city on smoke

Air quality in San Francisco is still dangerous. We can’t go outside. We can’t open our windows. It’s so strange to see the sun out and realize you’re still stuck inside. 

Yesterday was really bad. I took a picture from a hill on the drive between my kids’ pick-ups. I found another picture from that same spot taken a while ago, so you can see the difference.


Today is better than yesterday, but it’s still not great.

Shit, Meet Fan

Last night, the shit really hit the fan for me. I am now facing a reality I had always feared, but hoped I could avoid.

I hate to be purposefully vague, and I promise it’s nothing in the realm of really-and-truly-horrible (ie job loss, terminal illness, death in the family, entire community devastated by fire), but still, as far as shit things go, it’s gotta be at the top of the next level down in seriously awful shit. I’ll tell you all more about it when I can type the words without crying (and I stop feeling so much shame).

Right now I find myself in a trifecta of overwhelm, as it’s coming from work (catching up after being gone, nothing planned for the next few weeks, so many assignments to grade and input), PTA (SO MANY EVENTS coming up, and I have to be at all of them, also preparing things for them–why is EVERYTHING in October?!) and home (see above shit-show-that-shall-not-yet-be-named, also son’s 4th birthday, also my in-laws are gone for THREE WEEKS this month).

I don’t think I’ll be writing much in the coming days. I do have a Disney trip post that is almost done, and I want to write another about what I wished I’d done differently, along with what I felt we did right. Maybe those will make it out next week.

If not, forgive me. And either way, wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

Red Sun Over the City


We came back to a Bay Area blanketed in smoke. The setting sun was blood red before it disappeared completely behind the wall gray wall, only to emerge again right above the horizon.

When we left the North Bay hadn’t been engulfed in flames. Now entire communities have been consumed.

I gathered four giant trash bags of clothes to donate the victims, the people who lost everything. We will gather and donate more. There are no words to express the devastation.

It feels as if our country is being destroyed, piece by piece, by flood and flames.

The few friends I have in the North Bay are safe, and their homes are safe, at least they were when I last spoke to them. We shall see where the wind, and fire, goes.

So much loss and devastation in this country lately. Hard to wrap one’s head around.

New Family Traditions

I worry sometimes that we don’t spend enough time creating and cultivating our own new family traditions, but instead work only to preserve favorite traditions from our childhood (which are, of course, very important).

But then I was realizing that traditions don’t have to be a really big affair, they can be the little things we always do, that are small but still special and important.

I hadn’t recognized that we have created some of our own family traditions, like putting gel clings on our front door for the major holidays (and even in the downtime in between).

This morning we opened the new Halloween gel clings, and the kinds had a blast decorating the glass with them.

These days they can do it pretty much by themselves.

We also really love making these 3-D foam kits for the holidays. These are the ones we’ve made in the past for Halloween.

 

We keep them on top of the speaker above the TV for the month of October.

We already have a new set to make this year. I actually bought it last year but it was one of two I got and after making the first one, I didn’t have the time or energy to make this bad boy.

When it’s done I promise to share it with all of you.

What new family traditions have you created?

What are your favorite traditions at this time of year?

Things I’m Loving Right Now

Despite the stress at work, and surrounding the PTA, there is much I am loving these days. Here are a few things that are making me happy.

~ Magnesium. Seriously, I really do think magnesium is helping me so much, and has helped my daughter (again!) so much. I really need to keep taking this stuff forever and ever.

~ Hanging out with my daughter. She is so much fun when she can manage her emotions. She’s interesting, insightful, and she straight cracks me up. I’ve really been enjoying my time with her lately. She is also at an age where a lot of movies and books I loved as a kid are interesting to her. We just watched the Never Ending Story together and have plans to watch The Princess Bride and The Last Unicorn soon. I also think she’s ready for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (to read together first, of course), which is my favorite in the series.

~ One-on-one with my son. My baby is about to turn four, and he’s definitely struggling with a lot of big feelings (frustration being the most prevalent), but recently I’ve had opportunities to spend some quality time with just him and that has been awesome. We used to go to the zoo and the Academy of Sciences together a lot, but neither has happened in a long time. We went to the zoo this weekend and it brought back a lot of fond memories of alone time we used to share when he was younger. Watching my daughter grow in such a fast and furious way, makes me acutely aware of how little time I have left with him as a preschooler. I was in such a hurry for my daughter to grow up, but with my son I’m determined to savor these last years of his “little-hood.” I’m looking forward to make more of those kind of outings happen in the future, and to appreciating the wrastling and hanging out together on the floor, building Legos or playing with cars.

~ October! Halloween! I do not remember being such a fan of October, or Halloween, as a kid, but as an adult I really love it. I love the slow decent into colder weather, which after the Indian Summer month of September (and weeks in October) I’m always so ready for. I love decorating for the holidays (both Halloween and Day of the Dead). It’s also my son’s birthday, which he is so excited for after enduring everyone elses’ birthdays in June and July. I also love teaching and celebrating Día de los Muertos, which officially takes place the 1st and 2nd of November, but which we talk a lot about (and decorate for!) in October. Also, I am a pumpkin spice fan, so I get excited when those products start appearing on the shelves (though I do appreciate it’s gotten way crazy in the past few years).

~ Disneyland and California Adventure! We’re taking the kids to Disneyland next week! They know we are going, but think it’s happening over my son’s birthday weekend, which is still a few weeks away. I’m really excited to surprise them on Sunday morning as we drive down (we’re going to tell them we’re driving somewhere else, to something boring, when we get in the car). I LOVED Disneyland as a kid and I LOVE Disneyland and California Adventure as an adult, and I’m really excited to see my son’s face when he first lays eyes on Radiator Springs, and sees Lightning McQueen in real life (he is a massive Cars fan). His head is going to explode. I’m also excited to go with my husband (last time I went alone with our daughter, when she turned four). I will also admit, I’m stoked to miss two days of school too (and another staff meeting!).

~ Family Halloween Costumes! Every other year we do up our Halloween costumes big time, and this year we’re all being someone from Star Wars. I already have my Princess Leia white dress and boots, my daughter’s Rey costume, my husband’s Chewbacca jacket, and my son’s Han Solo costume (or Yoda sweatshirt, in case he changes his mind). I just need a few accessories (quarter staff, blasters, light saber) and we’ll be all set (sorry Chewbacca, no crossbow for you). I’m looking into a place to get our photo done right, because I really do love the matching Halloween costume thing. Two years ago I did Where the Wild Things Are and a set of those pictures are my favorite of all time.

~ Argan Oil. I randomly got a bottle of MyChelle’s Argan Oil at Whole Foods a couple of months ago, because I’m still looking for something really hydrating at night (but don’t want to pay for “anti-wrinkles” yet). It was on sale, and not all that expensive full price, so I gave it a try. Well, I am happy to report it’s been amazing. My skin looks incredible ( I’ve had several people mention it so it’s not just in my head) and feels even better. I’m definitely sticking with this stuff for the foreseeable future.

~ Our fish tank. I will admit I was so done with our fish tank after this summer. I was frustrated that I bought a new one after the first one developed an intractable case of overgrown algae, and I seriously considered just getting rid of it. Instead I cleaned it out, we got new live plants and two beautiful new guppies, and we made a habit of actually turning on the light every day. Now it feels like the center piece of our living room. It’s so pretty and it makes me really happy.


~ Making a new friend. I have become friends with the woman on the PTA board who doesn’t need to be helping me so much, but is actually my right-hand woman. We worked together a lot last year, but this year we talk or text pretty much every day. We had drinks together two weeks ago, and my husband and I bought tickets to attend a Mezcal tasting with her and her husband in early November (maybe we could be couple friends! A girl can dream. 😉  Her son is VERY similar to mine, so we have lots to talk about besides PTA. She is also exactly my age, which is a rare find (usually parents with kids my kids’ ages are a good decade older than me), and which I really appreciate.

~ New teaching method (and textivate). I love the new way I’m teaching this year, even if it has been really hard to learn how to implement it along with all the other changes. The kids clearly enjoy it so much more than how I used to teach, and creating unique characters and stories in each class keeps my interest piqued. I am also loving a new internet-based program, which generates activities based on original text that I input. With this program, I can offer valuable activities that promote fluency, and are based on each classes’ unique characters and stories, without doing all the work myself. It’s also super easy to track my students’ progress.

~ My current morning coffee. My morning coffee has been evolving for years, and I am a huge fan of its current iteration which includes (but is not limited to) Mexican Chocolate and Coconut Coffee. Sipping my coffee on the way to work is a great way to start the day. It makes me happy.

~ Braving the Wilderness. I am a MASSIVE Brene Brown fan (she is my spirit animal). I have loved (and listened multiple times to) all of her books. I think her work on shame and vulnerability are truly life changing. But I believe her new book is even more important than anything else she has written, especially in today’s political climate. I really wish every adult would read this book, I think we’d be a much happier, healthier country if we did. (I promise to write more about it when I’m done).

~ My marriage. I wrote about this already, so I won’t harp on it more, but I’m really enjoying my husband and our relationship right now.

What are you loving these days?

My Marriage These Days

I’ve been meaning to write about my marriage these days, because it’s in a good place, and as you all know, that isn’t always the case.

The truth is, I’m not quite sure why my marriage is doing better these days. I can make some educated guesses, but I can’t be sure. The reality is a marriage is a relationship between two people, and how either one is feeling, what they are going through and how they handling things greatly affects the dynamic. When you add in two other, younger, human beings, who have their own issues, well the variables just keep multiplying.

But I have been giving this considerable thought, since I personally am in a really stressful situation at work, and as president of the PTA, which I would expect would put a strain on our marriage. Happily, this hasn’t been the case.

So a few things I have identified as helping our marriage lately.

~ I do think my email helped, for whatever reason. I’m certain I’ve sent very similar emails in the past that weren’t of much discernible consequence, but for some reason this one seemed to help him change his attitude toward his own responsibilities at home.

~ I also forwarded him some interesting articles I read about why women in happy marriages cheat (the women describe their marriages as happy, despite having affairs). I honestly started reading the first because I was confused by the title, assuming that “cheat” referred to acting dishonestly out in the world. Ha! Once I started reading it I was hooked, because I had always assumed people in happy marriages didn’t cheat, that an affair was a symptom of an unhappy marriage, not something that happened when a women felt mostly content. One of the articles mentioned that even if a woman was in love with her husband, and felt they were good friends, if she perceived an imbalance in household workload, the ensuing resentment could be enough to send her looking for an escape in another relationship, one where that resentful dynamic didn’t exist. Maybe my husband took that to heart?

~ Come to think of it, I generally send my husband EVERY article I read on gender inequality in marriages, on the “invisible” or “emotional” labor that women take on, and the consequences of its prolonged, unshared, weight. Maybe the are making an impact, slowly and subtly.

~ I think me actually applying, and interviewing, for jobs last year changed a dynamic that was creating friction in our marriage. This dynamic looked like me complaining about my job, but feeling stuck in it, and doing absolutely nothing to find something else, and my husband eventually refusing to engage me on the topic, since he felt it wasn’t fair for me to bitch about work when I clearly wasn’t serious about finding something different. The fact that I finally took steps to find another job helped my husband see that I was, in fact, seriously unhappy, and serious about finding something new. It dislodged an entrenched issue that was causing resentment on both sides, even though the final outcome looks exactly like it did before (I’m still at my job and it’s making me vaguely miserable). My husband respects that I put myself out there, and is empathetic that I am still stuck where I don’t want to be, despite attempting to make a change. Now when I do mention how hard work is, he responds in a very different, more supportive way, and I think what he says genuinely represents how he feels about it.

~ After an initial rough start (and a nightmarish summer), my daughter has been thriving this school year. She really loves her teacher (I am not a fan, but she likes him and that is what’s most important right now), and is handling the stress of homework and activities so much better than she has in the past. Needless to say, when we aren’t spending our emotional reserves managing our daughter, we have more for each other.

~ I actually started taking Magnesium, which I swear helps my daughter manage her moods and behavior so much (I actually stopped giving her magnesium over the summer–not sure why, I just forgot with all the travel?–and I truly believe that starting it again is part of why she’s doing so well right now (and that not having it this summer is part of why she struggled so much). I don’t know why I didn’t take magnesium myself, when I believed it was helping my daughter so much, especially when I know we are very similar people. But I did start and I swear I am calmer and my moods are more balanced. I am better able to handle the stress I’m under and I just feel more in control of my thoughts and feelings. Things at work, at with PTA, really are so stressful right now, but I’m not at nearly the place I have been in the past when things were not as challenging to manage. I really do believe it’s helping. Obviously when I’m happier, my marriage is happier.

~ My husband and I have a new nightly ritual that we really enjoy and gives us an opportunity to spend some quality time together and feel connected. Before bed we watch Desus & Mero (on Viceland) and then my husband shares with me all his favorite tweets from the day. It may sound silly, but both the show, and the tweets (which are mostly from comedians and other funny people because his Twitter feed is carefully curated to include only the users that make him laugh) help us process the insanity that is the world right now, and give us a more lighthearted way to engage in conversation about the shit that is going down. It also helps us remember that our similarly odd, quirky, senses of humor are what drew us to each other in the first place.

~ Things at work are good for my husband right now. Sure there is much he’d love to change, but generally he feels acknowledged and appreciated by his colleagues, and he is grateful to be doing work that is meaningful to him. When he is happy at work, he is happier at home.

So those are the things that I feel have helped us get to a better place. I’m sure there is stuff I am missing, and if I think of anything else I’ll mention it later. No matter what it is, I’m really happy in my marriage at the moment. My husband feels like my friend in a way that he hasn’t for a long time. He is actually out of town right now, and I was realizing before he left that I was really going to miss him. There have been times when he left and I felt relief that I wouldn’t have to negotiate a strained dynamic for a few days, and could just do things how I wanted without having to feel resentment for taking it all on. This time I just missed him being around at night; Desus & Mero isn’t the same when I’m watching it alone.

How is your marriage these days? What is helping and/or what is hurting you attempts to be happy with your spouse?