My daughter saw the famous Dogs Playing Poker years ago, and only briefly. Today she drew this.
I am so enamored of her.
I can’t even fathom all the ways she’ll surprise me.
Do front loading washing machines actually clean clothes?
I’ve had need, recently, to soak two pairs of jeans that I wear pretty frequently. Both had spots that I had treated but weren’t coming out, so I left them in a bucket with Oxyclean for 24 hours, hoping to coax the stains from the fabric. Both times, the water in the bucket the next day was so, so dirty.
The jeans looked clean before they soaked (except for the stains, of course), but the dark brown water told a different story. It makes me wonder how dirty the rest of my clothes are.
I knew, from my years of cloth diapering, that front loaders did not do as good a job of cleaning clothes because the clothes are never fully immersed in the water (as they are in top loaders). That is how they save water, which is important. In fact, I’ve been soaking my workout bras every couple of months for the last year because they started getting funky after a while, and I could smell them before I even started to sweat. So it’s not like I didn’t know that my washing machine had its limits. But it’s disheartening to realize that it is so very inferior to top loading machines.
{I also wondered if I’m putting too many clothes in the machine at once, but I wash the jeans separately and all our pairs together isn’t even a full load, so I don’t think it’s that. I also rarely have a full “perm press” load, which is how I wash my sports bras.}
I guess I’ll have to start soaking the clothes I wear a lot every few months. Just what I need–more laundry!
Does your front loading washing machine do a good job? Is there any way to improve its performance?
Straight Outta Good Housekeeping
This Sunday my son and I went to a “play date” at one of his friends’ houses from school. I put “play date” in quotation marks because three other families also came and the hosts had out a full spread, plus they ordered pizza.
This family lives in a nice neighborhood. It’s actually the neighborhood where my daughter’s school is located, but very few of the local families send their kids to her school, opting for “better” (::cough:: whiter ::cough::) schools in other parts of the city. This neighborhood has been popular for a while, but in the past ten years has seen a massive increase in interest and now houses on this specific hill sell for insane amounts.
This family’s house was beautiful. The whole thing looked recently remodeled, with sleek, clean stainless steel and marble lines against shiny, dark hardwood floors. Their back patio sported gorgeous stone floors, surrounded by an unblemished, stained fence, a corner couch (big enough for ten!) AND A FIRE PIT! The walls were adorned with legitimate art pieces, and each room boasted a recognizable color scheme. The house was immaculate. And so, so beautiful.
And again I felt that familiar green eyed monster, peaking out from behind my eyes.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why I get so envious of people with beautiful houses, especially when they are in desirable neighborhoods. Whenever I get bitten by that pesky, green beast, I spend a few days thinking about why I’m so jealous of what people have. Jealousy is an ugly emotions, but it can teach us a lot about ourselves.
I mean obviously, I would love to have an amazing, beautiful, house. And I would love to live in a funky, hip neighborhood with a bustling “main street” and palpable sense of community. I mean my house is okay, it might even be nice at some point, when the broken shit gets fixed. And my neighborhood is okay. Sure there is constantly trash flying everywhere, and the hum of the nearby freeway is constant, but it’s easy to get to work from where I live, and I love that.
It’s not just the “idea” of the beautiful house and the coveted location. It’s all the things I imagine someone feels when they live in such a house, in such a neighborhood. Surely those people must be happy, gloriously so. Surely they are happier than I am.
In my mind, only one kind of person can live in a house that looks like it materialized from the pages of Good Housekeeping, in a neighborhood that gets written up constantly as one of the cities foremost destinations. That person has arrived. They have money, and lots of it. They have professional success (that’s where the money came from). They are well-liked (probably because of all the get-togethers they host). They have arrived, as it were, at the life they wanted for themselves. They aren’t living in a “good enough” house, in a decent neighborhood, just thankful they could stay in the city. They are living in the gorgeous house, in the neighborhood people would literally spend millions to call home. They have ended up exactly where they always wanted to be.
But my assumptions run even deeper. I assume that when you live in a house like that, you are content. There is no reason to doubt your success because you reside in its very embodiment. Your whole life is proof that you’ve arrived. Everywhere you look, what you’ve achieved is around you.
People in houses like that, have lives that match. Beautiful, happy lives, that are lived with intention. People in houses like that have a lot of friends, and make home cooked meals, and keep everything organized, and never feel overwhelmed. How could you feel stressed in a kitchen like that?
Of course, when I follow the bread crumbs down that rabbit hole, I recognize how ridiculous it all is. One cannot assume happiness, nor be certain of how others perceive their own success just by glancing around where they live. The idea is preposterous. And when I am honest with myself about my preconceived notions, I recognize how ridiculous it is.
I also am brought face to face with my own personal demons, the ones that tell me I’ll never feel I’ve arrived, that insist I will always want something more (like a kitchen remodel) and never be able to achieve it. And then another part of me chides the former for even wanting a remodel because we don’t NEED a new kitchen (or a master bedroom downstairs, or even a second bathroom), and I should be grateful for what I have and content to continue having it.
I am brought face to face with the fear that I will never feel financially secure, that a part of me will always be waiting for the bottom to fall out, that someday we may not have the money we need to make the required repairs.
That at its very core, my life will be forced by reaction, not shepherded by intention.
I want to feel like we have enough, that we will have enough. I want my attitude to embrace enough, because certainly we have already achieved it. I want to look around my house and see all that we have, not everything that we could make better.
And most of the time I do see what I have. I am in awe of it. Really. Lately, as I’ve come across more and more personal tragedy, I am reminded of how little I’ve suffered, how incredibly lucky I’ve been. And I do feel like I process these stories with a lens more focused by perspective, that I am better able to recognize my incredible (and entirely undeserved) fortune, that my gratitude is not merely the echo of a sentiment I expect from myself, but a truth I hold deeply, in my very core.
The truth is, I can live with intention. I have that capacity, more so than the great majority of humans inhabiting this world. I just have to want it enough. I have to be willing to sacrifice. That’s the thing you don’t see when you look in on a life of intention from the outside; intention it’s difficult and requires sacrifice and doesn’t always feel good.
I’m still figuring all this out, learning what I really want and coming to terms with what I’m willing to do to achieve it. The answers are not always what I expect them to be, and that can be both disappointing and thrilling. If I don’t actually want this, what do I truly desire? Most of the time I don’t know the answer, but I recognize how privileged I am to ask the question.
Pretty Decent
I have to admit, this horrible cold and its long term laryngitis aside, this are pretty decent right now.
I mean yes, I’ve been really busy. And yes I feel like I can barely keep up. And yes, an entire WEEKEND at school would be needed at this point to get everything graded and entered. But the foundation of my life right now feels solid and, dare I say it, satisfying.
I think a lot of that is my schedule coming together at work. It’s not ideal, by any means, but overall I’m quite satisfied. Right now I am teaching one large (but within contractual limits) 7/8 Spanish class at the end of the day at the other campus. I was hoping they would give me another class at that campus, so I could just go there after lunch, but alas, it was not meant to be. That is the unfortunate part.
The good news is that we’re changing the way 6th graders take electives and next year I’ll only have ONE PERIOD OF 6th GRADE!!! This is VERY EXCITING. I will see all the 6th graders next year, but only have two classes of them at a time, on an A/B schedule, and for only one trimester. I will only ever see a certain class about 24 times during the year. This is AMAZING news.
All the rest of my classes are 7th and 8th graders. And not only that, but I get to teach 8th grade College and Career Readiness (CCR)–which used to be called AVID–and it’s a class I’ve always wanted to teach. The incoming 8th grade CCR class is big enough to split the class into two smaller groups and I will be getting one of them. It will probably only be for one year, but I will appreciate having a chance to teach it, and learning whether I actually like it as much as I think I will.
My other two classes will be smaller 7/8 (or possibly a separate 7th and 8th) grade Spanish classes. There is a chance I’ll teach a support class and one bigger 7/8 Spanish class, but either way, I’ll be happy with what I get.
The biggest challenge now is deciding if I want 1st period prep or 5th period prep. If I have 1st period prep I’ll have to get my daughter to school by 7:40am, which would mean being up a good 15 minutes earlier than we currently get up. It’s definitely doable, but I’d probably still be late to work on occasion, when it rains or the traffic is just really bad. I HATE being late to work, and next year there won’t be another teacher in that class to cover for me.
The good thing about having 5th period prep is that I have a period to get over to the other school, which would be really nice, and would give me time to get everything for that class ready before I mosey on over with a ton of time.
Of course, 5th period prep would also mean that I have no time to get ready for my first four classes, which you must remember, will be in four different classrooms. In the end I think I’ll take the 1st period prep, not just because it gives me some leeway to get to work late, but also because it gives me time to prepare for my first four classes, and even to disseminate materials to the different rooms. Hopefully I can get a routine down where leaving the minute 5th period gets out, and high tailing it over to the other school in the 15 minutes I have between classes, doesn’t result in me arriving late to THAT campus every day.
What next year will require, more than anything, is organization and planning. These are not my strong suits, but I’m confident I can create enough of a routine to make it work. Having a prep period at work again is going to make everything SO much more manageable. With that 45 minutes to plan and make copies every day, this insanity will probably be doable.
It’s amazing how much more calm I feel when my schedule is more or less figured out.
But it’s not just work stuff that is getting better, things at home have been pretty decent too. My marriage is good shape, despite a really challenging month. My husband has grown so much and is way more capable of handling the general stress of working full time with two kids. Sure he is exhausted every day, and sure he wishes he had more time to pursue his personal interests, but he doesn’t sulk around sighing loudly about it anymore. We aren’t spending as much quality time together as I’d like, but we do exchange a few hugs throughout the day, he calls or texts me at least once while I’m at work, and he’s just generally in a goodish mood. It really does make all the difference.
And after a couple of rough months with both kids, things seem to be settling down with the two of them. My daughter only has three more weeks of school, and four until her birthday. Her SEVENTH birthday! (How did that happen!?) She remains super enthusiastic about her party at the amusement park, and I am still grateful we aren’t throwing a party at the park. My son is still a 3.5 year old, but his easier days are outnumbering the harder ones (at least they are right now). He can be infuriating, but he is can also be the sweetest thing. And yes, both of them are totally exhausting, but in general parenting is feeling less stressful. I am so grateful to be their mom.
Despite some annoying meetings at work this week, things should be settling down. Only three more weeks until my daughter’s school is out, and six until my summer break starts! Whoot!
A Must Read
One of my favorite bloggers is back, and apparently, better than ever (her writing I mean). This is a must read, and in my opinion, a must share. If I were on social media I’d be putting this bad boy up, but since I’m not I can only put it here.
I really do not understand how supporters of the AHCA can respond to a post like this.
A funny thing people do…
When you whisper to them, they almost always whisper back. It’s kind of hilarious.
Yep, still don’t have my voice back.
And yes, I know whispering is WORSE for my vocal cords than talking hoarsely. At this point whispering is all I can do by the middle of the day.
Untenable
This is my third straight week of craziness. And to top it all off, that sore throat and cold lingered until they became full fledged laryngitis. It’s so hard to teach when you can’t really talk.
I have so many meetings this week. Just so. many. meetings. And it’s Teacher Appreciation Week, which is evidently happening at my daughter’s school (so I have to bring food for their lunch tomorrow, and buy my daughter’s teacher a gift) but not at my own school. Boo!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices I’ll make moving forward, when it comes to commitments as a parent. I know that “no” is the new “yes,” and that refusing to take on obligations that make you crazy is good self care. I read at least one post a day about how to downsize the things in my life that don’t bring me joy. And yet I’m torn, because I know that if I don’t do these things, no one will. Sure I don’t want to make a dish for the teacher appreciation lunch tomorrow, but I’d be even more upset if the teachers were disappointed by what our parent community provides. They already work for less than anywhere within 30 miles, and have to deal with an insane amount of bullshit bureaucracy. At the very least they deserve a decent teacher appreciation meal.
So what is the answer? Exercise my “no” muscle and walk away? Or feel frantic and frazzled and show up with something to make the teachers feel appreciated?
The end of the school year is already hectic and stressful as a teacher. Now that I’m the parent of a school-aged child it feels totally untenable.
I really don’t know the answer. I envy people who can just say no and walk away. I really do. Perhaps it’s because I’m a teacher, and know what it feels like when the community fails to show up. I’m sure it’d be easier to say “no” if I didn’t know how hard it is for teachers, and how little recognition they generally receive.
Making Progress
I’ve been writing about changing my attitude toward money for years now–so many attempted shopping bans and failed budget months! It is not something that I have been able to embrace wholeheartedly enough to change my ways.
It’s very much been three steps forward, two steps back. (Sometimes three or four steps back.) I feel like a yo-yo dieter of finance.
But I am beginning to think that maybe all those single steps forward have actually gotten me somewhere. Last month was really busy, really stressful, and really emotional. When that combination rears its ugly head, my first instinct is to start spending. And that instinct is strong.
For the first two weeks of April I was on a spending freeze because I wanted to keep that month’s credit card bill low. So I didn’t buy anything during those weeks except a new pair of glasses (which I thought I could pay for when I actually picked them up in the second half of April, but instead had to pay for when I ordered them in the first half of April). It’s a good thing I did that too, because that month’s bill still ended up being pretty high.
I was anticipating a shopping spree once the 17th rolled around, but to my surprise I kind of forgot about it. And when I did realize I could buy some stuff again, all I did was pay for my program in Ecuador and purchase a subscription for a really amazing Spanish site that I will use to study over the next six months. All the others stuff I had on my “list,” is still sitting there. I even filled up a cart on Gap.com (during a 40% off everything sale) and just left it because … well I’m not really sure why. I just didn’t feel compelled to press “spend.”
I just clicked to this post from the Vans website, where I’ve been eyeing a new pair of slip-ons for a over two months. I need a pair for summer, as the tips of my Toms get destroyed on the bike and Vans have a high rubber sole that protects them from the asphalt. The ones I have are ripping and won’t last through the end of the school year. But the thing is, the end of the school year is still 7 weeks away, so I don’t really have to get them now. And it looks like I’m not. (I know, I’m as surprised as you are.)
I recently experimented with my first expensive skin care, asking for a few things for Christmas. Now they are mostly out. The regular (without SPF) lotion I used to use on my face at night is no longer sold at Kaiser’s pharmacy, so I was looking around for a new night lotion. In the end I had $100 worth of skin care in my cart at a different pricey (but not as pricey) place , but the idea of spending that on skin care felt silly. I’m still relatively young and I don’t need something yet to keep the wrinkles away (even if it is all natural and gets a top score on EWG’s skin care database). I went back to am.azon to find something cheaper and finally remembered I could see if they carried the lotion that Kaiser stopped stocking, and low and behold, they did! (Why was this a surprise?! They have EVERTHING!) And I bought it. A giant bottle for $14, and it’s exactly what I wanted. When the last of my expensive face wash is out I’m just going to go back to Cetaphyl. It still works fine.
In the past I would have jumped at the opportunity to try a new skin care regimen when my old stuff was out, or buy new shoes when an old pair was ripped. Now I just feel annoyed that I have to spend the money.
There is another pair of shoes I like, but they are high tops and I have a feeling I won’t love actually wearing them. I’m a slip-ons kind of girl, and these shoes don’t go with everything… so, unless they go on sale (big time) I’m not getting them (and maybe not even then). I finally recognize that sometimes I like something a lot more in theory than in practice. It’s nice to know I’ve actually learned something from the hundreds of poor shopping choices I’ve made over the years — all the shoes and clothes I’ve ended up giving to friends after barely wearing them.
The kids recently got really interested in Lego Star Wars and instead of buying the digital copies off Amazon, I hit up a few libraries and we checked out every episode that exists. Sure one disc didn’t play and we had to check out another copy, but it’s a small inconvenience to deal with when we got to see them all for free. If we want to watch them again some time, the library will still have them.
These are big differences for me. I don’t think my parents ever checked out a movie or CD once when we were young. You BOUGHT that stuff. My dad probably has thousands of CDs and LPs at home. The largest room of their (very large house) is dedicated to his music collection. I used to have a sizeable collection myself. I shudder at the thought of the hundreds of CDs and DVDs I gave away when I first embraced minimalism. Sure I kept some key kids movies I loved (ahem, the entire Harry Potter series) but that is about it. I haven’t regretted jettisoning any of them. And anything else we need I can rent from the library, or wait for it to show up on a streaming service.
I know these are obvious choices for most people, but they weren’t always for me. This past month has offered the real possibility of a fundamental change in my attitude toward spending money. It’s not about finally having the will power to make myself stop spending, but not want to spend in the first place.
If this attitude is here to stick around, I might just be able to take my kids abroad next summer. I may actually be able to afford my first dream trip with them in a year! If that trip isn’t incentive enough to maintain this attitude, nothing will be.
Peaks and Valleys
Monday my throat was on fire. I felt like absolute crap. I almost always get sick right after a prolonged period of stress. It’s pretty incredible how the minute things start to calm down, my body reminds me that I put it through the wringer, and now it’s pay back time.
And of course Monday night, I got my period.
Monday I was feeling really down, and I actually thought about my period and how it had been a while and predicted that it would rear it’s scarlet head soon. So when it showed Monday night I wasn’t surprised. It’s imminent arrival probably had a lot to do with how bummed out I was on Monday. It probably didn’t help the week before either.
The good thing is that I planned ahead to make this week really low key. We’re watching Inside Out in the 6th grade classes, as a celebration of our finishing the Social Emotional Learning (SEL) curriculum last week. We had to work through A LOT of lessons and they were not very popular, so we were all really excited to be done. (I was probably the most excited because I had to work through each lesson SIX TIMES!) I had only seen Inside Out once, in the theater, and I forgot how incredible it is. It’s such an amazing movie, and the fact that it got put out by one of the most successful animation studios in the world is heartening. I’ve watched the first half six times in two days, and I’m not even a little bit sick of it.
The main reason I planned for an easy week was because this Thursday is Open House. Open House is my LEAST favorite work obligation. I hate standing around for an hour making small talk with a million parents. I hate being asked questions about next year’s foreign language program that I can’t definitely answer. I hate the whole thing, really. And the worst part is, I have to have my room all cleaned up for the occasion.
So this week I’m cleaning my room. It really needed a lot of work. I kept telling myself I was going to spend a day there over one of the breaks but it never happened. I always spend a day at work when I have a break (at least one), but I spend all that time grading and planning and never have time to tackle the shit show that is my classroom. But now I need to get it done–no more procrastinating!-and it’s just as unpleasant as I feared.
A huge part of me wants to start purging and packing right now, but I know I can’t do that until after Open House. So I try to focus on putting things away. It already looks better, but there is a lot of work still to do.
And I better get most of it done on Wednesday because Thursday I’m bringing my daughter to work for Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I took her two years ago and she has always wanted to come again. This Thursday is a good day to do it, as we have a short day (on account of Open House) and not much planned so she can lead some games with my students who are always really nice to her. I also have to take her swimming in the afternoon anyway, so it’s not annoying that I have to go back home and come back to work for Open House.
I also have a meeting with my principal tomorrow about next year. It’s late April and my schedule is still totally up in the air. I find this supremely frustrating, especially since I’ve had some disconcerting conversations with different admins, which collectively make it clear that they don’t fully grasp the scheduling complications that arise when one teacher is working on two campuses. This year there is another teacher at the one campus, but next year that won’t be the case, so I have to ALWAYS be at that school when class starts and I have to ALWAYS be available at that time.
My request for 1st period prep (so I can continue taking my daughter to work without being stressed out about making it to school on time) definitely complicates matters, but it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. My biggest fear is they won’t think hard enough about it, and then at the last minute decide that it’s not possible and give me a class 1st period. And yes, I know I have no real right to demand a first period prep, but I also think I’m helping them out by working on two campuses (I don’t actually have to do that this year, as our contract states we don’t have to teach a class we don’t want to for more than one consecutive year), I don’t think it’s too much to ask for them to help me out be giving me first period prep.
So that is where my life is right now–not quite as low key as I was hoping, but so much better than last week. And after this week there are only seven more until the end of the year! I can’t believe it! Goodness gracious I need summer this year like I’ve never needed it before.
Revealing
I had been dreading this past week for a while. For the first half of April, actually. It was one of those weeks when every commitment reared its ugly head all within the same seven days. Each afternoon I was booked to the minute, in some cases I was arriving late to meetings because of obligations the hour before. I really don’t like being busy like that, but there was nothing I could do.
And then I found out about the interview, and spiraled into a total and complete basket case.
Today (Sunday), finally, it’s all over. I survived. Barely.
Saturday was a really intense day. Some friends were in town for a Friday wedding and I met them for brunch. I left them early to make it to the end of set up for a PTA event at my daughter’s school where I MCed and sold raffle tickets. I stayed for clean-up there before heading home to grab the last of the stuff we needed for the Girl Scout Camp Out with my daughter’s troop to end their last year as Daisy’s. Eight girls, all of their moms, and a perky early-thirty-something troop leader all crashing in a one-room cabin.
So. Glad. It’s. Over.
I really have not been in a good mental space this week. Pre-interview nerves had my stomach in knots. I bit my nails to the quick. I couldn’t sleep. I was distracted and irritable at work and at home. It was not pleasant, for anyone.
I still couldn’t sleep the night after the interview, as my mind replayed all the things I’d done wrong. All the ways I’d embarrassed myself. I spiraled into a really negative head space about it and couldn’t pull myself out. It was pretty devastating.
Luckily I had already called a sub for Friday because of my friends being in town. I was driving home from dropping off my son when I got the email about not being a finalist for the job. I ugly cried in my car in the garage. I thought some really horrible things about myself. I was very upset.
But my friends were waiting for me so I dried my eyes, put on my darkest sunglasses, and went to meet them.
And then I drank for a few hours while catching up with old friends.
It was just what I needed. I’m so glad they happened to be in town that day and I wasn’t at work. It was a mercy, one I desperately needed.
I’ve been so busy since Friday morning I haven’t had a lot of time to dwell on this experience, but I have come to some important, and surprising, realizations.
I see now that I haven’t been very invested in my work. Not for a while. When forced to be brutally honest with myself, I have to admit that I haven’t been a stellar teacher for the past few years. Really, I’ve been skating by, probably since my son was born. It’s not that I’ve done a bad job, but I haven’t been going above and beyond. When asked to sit down and explain why I want to teach, I struggled to find the words, not because I couldn’t articulate my feelings, but because I wasn’t even sure what they were.
Why do I want to teach?
I’m not sure I know the answer to that anymore.
And the thing is, sitting in that interview and imaging working at that school, I realize that I do want to teach. I really do. I lost sight of that somewhere along the way, and I am going to need to work hard next year to regain my former enthusiasm and purpose next year.
I wasn’t ready to get that job. I knew it, even if I hadn’t admitted it to myself. That truth wasn’t even hiding that deep, I think that’s why I was such a basket case leading up to the interview. I knew I wasn’t ready, not because of my lack of experience interviewing, but because of how far I’ve strayed off course.
I am confident I will find my footing next year. Sure it sucks to have to do it under the less that ideal circumstances at my district, but if I can rekindle my passion for teaching as I commute between schools (and even between classrooms), I can do it anywhere.
And next year should be a lot better than this year. I will have two 7/8 classes, and won’t be co-teaching for either. They will be mine, to plan and execute as I see fit. I will have fewer 6th grade language classes, and possibly even one other class (I’d really like to get English Language Development–ELD–back again). I will be attending workshops to get new ideas and trying some cool new projects so I can curate my students work into an e-portfolio. Also, we’ll FINALLY have a block schedule, which I’ve been so excited for. All that time I will be improving my Spanish, and in the spring, when I apply for new jobs, I’ll also be putting the final touches on my first summer abroad with my children. There is a lot to look forward to and be excited about, even as I’m disappointed that I won’t be somewhere new (and won’t even have my own classroom anymore).
And I have to be very honest with myself and admit that having a new job would have been challenging. Very much so. Not only would I have had a whole new school culture to learn, I’d have had three new preps to prepare for every day. In many ways, another year of familiar teaching situations is a gift, because I can create some exciting new lessons and projects when I have everything else ready to fall back on. At a new school I would have been struggling just to make ends meet and be ready for each day, all the while stressed that I wasn’t performing to a new, unfamiliar standard. All this on the background of a smaller paycheck, loss of tenure, and the stress and burden of observation. So yeah, the new job had definite draw backs as well.
Last week was a really difficult, emotionally taxing and ultimately painful awakening for me. I really, really struggled, and was surprised and disheartened by much of what I thought and felt about myself. I didn’t realize how much professional respect I had lost for myself in the past few years. Between the administration drama last year, and the campus commuting/co-teaching challenges this year, I had totally dis-invested myself in my work. I really didn’t realize! Next year I plan to take full advantage of the opportunities I will have to reinvest in myself as an educator, so that when (I will not say ‘if’) I get an interview, I will be confident in myself and my abilities.