Not a Wasted Word

The 15yo did not get the internship. She was devastated. I left my staff meeting early to pick her up after school and she sobbed and sobbed in the car. It was hard.

I’m kind of having a hard time right now. Not quite sure what is going on, but I just don’t want to do much of anything. I’m really struggling to stay motivated, especially at work. It’s an exhausting place to be, mentally and emotionally.

So today is probably a good day to share five sayings I repeat (are these mantras?), that help me. I’m not really an affirmations person, but I do appreciate these little reminders.

Don’t believe everything you think. I have this on a little sign I got at the Zen Buddhist Center almost 20 years ago. Learning that much of what I believed to be true were really stories my brain invented to make sense of the world was powerful in my 20s and it’s a lesson I can never be reminded of enough.

If nothings changes, nothing changes. Tunde, one of my favorite Peloton instructors says this a lot. I’m not sure if she’s borrowing that message, but I appreciate it. When she says it, she’s reminding us that if we don’t push harder, or attempt heavier weights, we won’t get stronger. I think about the truth of that simple statement in all aspects of my life. If I don’t make changes, I can’t expect anything to change. So obvious, and yet I frequently need the reminder.

We can do hard things. I don’t remember much of Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, but I definitely chanted “we can do hard things” at my kids for a while after I read it. They were NOT fans of that phrase, but I still say it every once in a while, just to assure them that it’s true.

This too shall pass. I can get pretty stuck in the muck when I’m feeling down, and “this too shall pass,” really helps me stop projecting into the future. This too shall pass is does some heavy lifting for me.

So it’s not just a clever name. Okay, so this is not a mantra, but it is a line (from Wayne’s World!) that I quote constantly. You might not think it has a much utility in every day life, but I assure you I find ample opportunities to utter it. If you’re trying to remember the specific scene, I’ll give you a hint… the Shitty Beatles.

I made the most of my random Tuesday off, which feels even more random as I learn how many people do NOT have it off.

Sleeping in. I slept until 9:30am! 3.5 extra hours of sleep mid-week? Yes please! I had a pretty lazy couple hours after I woke up too.

Lunch with the husband. We walked to get lunch. We went to a spot that we’ve always loved for its banh mi, and that started making garlic noodles with popcorn chicken. Except it’s always sold out by the time we’re off work. So today we got to go early enough to try it! And boy, was it good.

Gratuitous TV watching. The husband and I watched an episode of Task, which we started ages ago and then never had time to continue. The second episode was so good! Now I really want to keep watching it.

Pancake day! Long time listeners know that the 12yo is such a selective eater that it’s hard to pack him a lunch. Most days he gets pancakes in his lunch, which means that every couple weeks I make A LOT of pancakes, and then freeze most of them. Today was one of those days. I queued up my audiobook (I’m listening to Nicholas Binge’s Ascension, which is dynamite!) and made a Costco-sized pancake mix bag of mochi pancakes.

Sparring concepts and sparring. I haven’t been to the Sparring Concepts class at the dojo in a long time, because it starts so late and I’m always so tired on Tuesdays. But today I had the energy and the time, so I went and it was a good time. Sparring was really fun, because there were only four red belts there, and we spent the whole 30 minutes on the ground. I’m so glad the dojo was open today! It just goes to show that I do not understand Veteran’s Day at all.

I am SO ANNOYED to have Tuesday off this week.It’s making me crazy. I feel like I’ve been robbed of a precious three day weekend and in it’s place I what?… Go to work for one day, then have one day off then go back to work for three days? What even is that? So I’m trying hard to make this day count as a real day off and not just another day to get work done when I’m not being paid to do so.

I made the best of today by having a test in my 1B classes (only two kids were absent) and having the four kids that were absent for the Day of the Dead Assessment make that up during lunch. I really needed it to feel like being at work was actually worth something today.

I met the husband for happy hour drinks and dinner at a sushi spot near his work downtown. We got two drinks each, and stuffed ourselves with sushi and Japanese food for $150 (AFTER tip!) that is a fucking steal in San Francisco. It was so fun to meet up with him for an impromptu dinner downtown. We haven’t met for a meal near his work since the summer.

The 15yo had swim so we timed it to meet her when she was heading home. Usually just the husband waits for her after swim, so she was surprised to see me there. We spent some time walking the long way back to BART so we could appreciate some of the newly hung winter lights. It was fun hanging out, just the three of us, on the way home. Having a little buzz from the dinner drinks didn’t hurt.

All this was possible because the 12yo got picked up from school by his grandparents and went to their house for a sleep over. The husband came home to quickly change, then went to a concert, which means that tonight the 15yo and I can watch Batman Begins and eat furikake popcorn. The 15yo is a relatively new Batman fan, and I have been obsessed for decades, so it will be really fun to share the first movie in the iconic Nolan trilogy with her.

Tomorrow I plan to sleep in. Then I hope to luxuriate in a day with few hard deadlines. I do have to score some test, and do some chores, but I want to take things slow and really relax into the day off. I WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS DAY GOSHDARNIT! Even if they make it basically impossible by putting it on a Tuesday.

Do you get tomorrow off? How are you spending your mid-week day off?

I intended to write a post today, but it did not happen. So here are five more pictures from yesterday’s hike.

Okay, so the hike was actually pretty intense. I did get a little breathless and I did sweat. So was it a workout? I am less sure how to categorize it now. Sometimes it’s hard to define things in life!

I can declare that the weather today was beautiful. Perfect even! I’m so glad I took the opportunity to skip the dojo and spend the time outside with my family.

Here are five photos from our hike today. We really do live in an amazing area.

Ack! It’s 9:17pm on Friday evening and I still haven’t posted. An NaBloPoMo almost-fail! It’s late and I’ve just finished a ton of mundane chores, and I’m itching to sit on the couch with a little drink, so let’s bang this out, shall we? I wanted to circle back on a couple things I wrote about earlier this week, because I’m posting every day this month and I have the “time.”

I did work out last night! I did two Jess Sims Flash 15’s back to back. It was fun and quick and made me out of breath and sweaty. Speaking of which, JJ took issue with my not considering our hike tomorrow a workout. I explained that I don’t consider a hike my kids might enjoy a real workout, and that I have to sweat to feel like I’ve properly exercised. I only shower when I workout, but what that really means is I only shower when I sweat. And since I sweat easily, and copiously, this has always been my metric for what to consider “working out.” I’m curious if others agree, or think I’m batty. Would you consider a five mile hike with your kids a workout? How do you determine what is a workout and what is other kids of moving your body?

I have NOT been getting more sleep this week and I’m super bummed about that. I really thought I was taking advantage of the time change to get to bed earlier, but my FitBit is not nearly as enthusiastic about my efforts. I’m still averaging about 6.5 hours a night this week, instead of 7 or the highly coveted 7.5. Alas, I guess 6.5 hours is the most I can hope for on a work night. I guess it’s good that I seem able to function at that level of sleep. Also, it’s getting dark so early now. I forgot how disorienting that is at first, especially when the temps are low enough to feel like it’s actually winter.

I got the last two reading responses scored! And I downloaded some examples of work that is Approaching, Meeting and Exceeding on the rubric so they can see examples of what I’m looking for when I say “details from the novel.” I do have some planning to do this weekend, but I have NO GRADING and I’m so thrilled about that.

As soon as I posted my “Hopes for November” post I wanted to edit it because I totally forgot to include NaBloPoMo and my hopes to build community through my own posting efforts, and everyone else’s. If I were to rewrite that post, I would put “Calendar” and “Work” stuff together into a “Stay ahead of deadlines” section, because I DON’T want to keep pushing things back to the first few days of the Thanksgiving Break when I know they won’t provide the time or space necessary to get all the stuff done. Of course, this coming Tuesday will ALSO not provide the time or space to complete all the tasks I currently have slated for that random mid-week holiday, so I need to start being more realistic about how much will get done that day.

As you probably figured out from above, we are still planning on hiking by Mt. Tam tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to a Saturday away from the dojo, and out in the sunshine (and it looks like the weather will cooperate!) My kids are already complaining about it, but I think once they get started they’ll be okay. I hope to post some photos in tomorrow’s post.

If you’ve read me for any amount of time, you know I’m not a fan of Thursdays. That is because on Thursdays I have to teach four 85-minute block periods and I don’t get a break (prep) period. I also teach all three of my classes, so I have to have a lot of different lessons planned and ready. This Thursday is especially bad because I have supervision duty this week, so I have to be out on the black top for one of my precious break times. I really, REALLY hope that one year I will have a prep period that gives me a break on Thursday, but I always get fourth period prep, so I don’t think it will ever happen. SIGH.

I have to book it out of school right after the bell this afternoon to make it to my allergy shot appointment on time. If I don’t get into my car mere minutes after the bell, the traffic will get so bad that I’ll sit in the parking lot for 15-20 minutes. It sucks. It also sucks that I still have to get allergy shots. They definitely help manage my symptoms, but I haven’t gotten to a place where I can stop taking the (I still react to the shot, which means I need to keep getting the shots). I probably will never get to stop, and I’ll have to keep coming once a month if I want my symptoms eased, which I do!

I’ve been grading like crazy this past week. I’ve scored student reflections, Day of the Dead assessments, writing assessments, speaking assessments, reading responses, and now I have the last reading responses (all for two classes each). I am going to be so glad when I don’t have to do anymore thoughtful, time consuming scoring for a little while! My brain feels like oatmeal.

Today I introduced my free reading program, which is going to become a choice comprehensible input program this year, to the 1A classes. I’m really proud of this program, and I’m excited for the changes I hope to make this year. Some students were clearly very excited about it. They had a lot of good questions and started reading their books as soon as they checked them out. It’s fun to see how a new group responds to the program.

To work out or not to work out tonight, that is the question? When I planned my workouts for this week I did not have anything slated for this evening, because I’ll be home pretty late. (I’m going to Costco after the thirty minute wait at the allergy shot office). But I’m realizing that I might not want to work out after the hike with the family on Saturday so I’m wondering if I should do something tonight. I’m going to make a game-time decision later today, and I don’t love that uncertainty, but I also want to give myself space. Sometimes a 5pm Costco run wrecks me and sometimes it’s not that bad. I’ll keep you all updated. I’d only be doing a 30 minute strength class, which isn’t that hard to manage, even after a day as long as this one.

Our names or faces

I blog anonymously. I’m sure I’ve dropped enough hints for people who read me to figure out more specific details than I’ve intended to share. And that’s okay! Mostly I’m trying to avoid my students finding my blog. I am a fairly private person and I don’t have any social media accounts. I don’t want my students to know random things about my life that I haven’t chosen to share with them, so I try hard to hard to keep this blog out of a google search of my name or image. Only a couple IRL friends have found my blog (one was searching a specific situation we were dealing with at your kids’ elementary school and my blog came up because I was writing about it), and honestly I want to keep it that way.

Meal plans or recipes

I don’t cook. It doesn’t really interest me and I’m not good at it. My husband is the cook in our house. I do “prepare” meals for myself, my kids, and sometimes my whole family, but I do not think much about dinner and I do not meal plan. I don’t say this proudly, but I’m also done feeling bad about not participating in an aspect of mothering that is so morally coded. I do kind of love that my kids know someone else can be in charge of cooking, and even cleaning up the kitchen after cooking (my husband also generally does the clean up). It’s not our only switching of traditional gender roles. I am the driver in our family. And the fixer of things; I own, and wield, the power tools. We do fall into plenty of traditional gender roles (I do the laundry, and most of the cleaning and my husband mostly manages our finances). But in the kitchen we definitely swap roles, so I don’t write at all about meal planning.

What I’m reading and listening to

I don’t really write anything about what I’m reading or listening to, and honestly I wish I could change that. I really appreciate when other people mention what they are reading and/or listening to, and I’ve queued up many a podcast episode and checked out many a book based on other bloggers’ recommendations. I don’t know why I can’t get it together enough to at least mention what books and podcast eps I’ve been enjoying. It feels like the least I can do, so why don’t I just do it!

Finances, budgeting, planning, organizing

I am so bad with budgets. Truly, it’s my kryptonite. And there have been times in my life where the only thing that saved me was some credit card offer for 18 months of 0% APR on roll over balances. Now that we make a little more (but not much! because we’re both civil servants!), and that my spending is less… volatile… I don’t have to think too much about my spending (what a privileged life I lead! Truly!), and thus I don’t write about it. I’m also pretty bad at planning (at home at least), and keeping my house tidy and organized. I have MarieKondo’ed the house a couple times and I followed minimalism blogs for a (long) while, but if I do write about these things it’s usually to talk about how much I’m struggling with them. If I could articulate my experiences better in some of these realms, I might actually be able to add value to people’s lives, but alas I have not managed to do that. Which brings me to the fifth thing you will not find on this blog…

Anything helpful really

I’m not trying to talk shit, I swear. I’m just being honest about the fact that I do not write about ways you can make your life better, or even ways I’ve managed to make my life better! Usually I just show up and rant a little about my day to day. When I was writing on my first blog, about infertility and pregnancy loss, and then about parenting small children, I feel like I did post meaningful commentaries on my lived experience. Now that my kids are older and life doesn’t feel so hard, I struggle to show up with thoughtful things to say. My motivation wanes, my free time contracts, and I post a recap of the weekend. I’m not saying that is nothing – I enjoy plenty of blogs that recap weekends – but if helpful advice is what you’re looking for, this is probably not the spot to wait for it.

You will find some nice pictures from time to time, and a little bit of snark when I can muster it. So there’s that!

Me, myself and I

I’m 45. My parents are from St. Louis, but moved to Taiwan before I was born in Singapore. I grew up in Hong Kong until 7th grade, when my family moved to the Bay Area. I went to UC Berkeley, and have lived in San Francisco for 22 years, thought I’ve worked that same amount of time in the town where I grew up, 30 minutes south of the city. I like to read, exercise, and practice martial arts (I’m a red belt). I’m not on social media, but I’ve been blogging for 17 years.

The husband

My husband and I have been married for 12 years, domestic partners for 17 years and together for 19 years (all this coming January). He has been working for the city for 12 years; before that he worked for a non-profit that wrote and supported gun regulation policy at the state and national level. He is my best friend, and he makes me crazy. I write a lot about disputes we have around our division of labor, which was an even bigger point of contention before the pandemic.

The kids

I have a daughter – “the 15yo” – and a son – “the 12yo”. The 15yo is a Sophomore at a public high school in San Francisco. She likes to swim, draw and paint, and scroll on her phone. We watch TV shows together, and listen to the same podcasts (Maintenance Phase and If Books Could Kill). We have a really close relationship and I feel endlessly grateful to have her in my life.

The 12yo is a 6th grader at a public Spanish Immersion middle school in San Francisco. He has been practicing martial arts at the same dojo as me (he started first, actually) since he was 4 years old. He is a “Teen” red belt and we love sparring and ground grappling each other on Saturdays. He started playing baseball this fall, and we hope he will start swimming on a team this winter. He loves to play video games with his friends and with his dad, and also loves playing board games and collecting trading cards.

Work

I’m a middle school Spanish teacher at a public school about 30 minutes south of San Francisco. I kind of fell into teaching both Spanish and middle school at the age of 24, and 22 years later I believe it was the happiest accident of my life. I work really hard, and have created a Spanish program that is pretty popular and very well-regarded. I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished at my school. I also spend a LOT of time thinking about work, so I end up writing a lot about work. Go figure.

This, That, and the Other

I have ADHD and struggle with executive functioning, especially staying organized. I’m already post-menopausal and just started taking MHT (Menopausal Hormone Treatment). I was diagnosed with Grave’s Disease last spring and have been taking medication to manage hyperthyrodism for several months. I hurt my knee pretty badly two years ago, but it’s finally back to normal. I recently started wearing toe spacers to prevent what I finally realized were bunions from continuing to bunion.

We live in San Francisco proper and take advantage of living in the city quite a bit. We go to museums and concerts and events. I post pictures from parks and other nice vistas. In the summer we travel a bit, and I’ll post pictures from our trips.

I mostly write about daily life. I wish I tackled deeper topics more frequently, but the reality is that I mostly just post about what I’ve been doing, the daily challenges of working full time, managing a household and raising two kids in a somewhat family-unfriendly city (that I still love).

If you’re new, thanks for stopping by. If you’ve been here a while, thanks for reading!

Oh yeah, and cats. I honestly don’t post about them enough! They take up an outsized amount of our attention, and yet I don’t talk about them much here. But every once in a while I do post pictures of them, because they are so cute.

I used to be a die-hard DST supporter. I thought we should extend DST all year (we spend eight months in DST, why not add the other four!?) I also LOATHED falling back when I had young kids, which sucked because falling back should be so much better than springing forward!

My thinking on this has done a complete 180. Now I wish we spent all year in standard time. I sleep much better when it gets darker earlier. It’s also easier to get up when it’s not dark outside, although I don’t really mind driving to work in the dark. (Evidently, science confirms that standard time syncs up with our circadian rhythms a lot better than DST does.)

Now that I have older kids, I LOVE falling back in November again. All day I look at my watch delighted that it’s actually an hour earlier than I expect it to be.

I try to milk the “your body thinks it’s later than it is” for all it’s worth in the weeks after the time change. I work really hard to get my ass into bed by 10pm and to fall asleep by 11pm at the latest.

I HATE springing forward in March. It’s just the worst. So I really try hard to revel in the weeks after falling back, because I know how much it will suck to spring forward in four short months.

Do you prefer Daylight Savings Time or Standard Time? Do you wish we stayed in one, or do you think the lighter evenings of the summer are worth the horror that is springing forward in March?