Not a Wasted Word

There are a couple of less-than-helpful patterns I have identified in the past couple of weeks. These patterns are not only unproductive, they are also damaging.

One pattern takes place in my marriage. It looks something like this: My husband and I have some time away from our kids. We reconnect. Things are great for a week, maybe two. Then the mundane routines of life start to reassert themselves and we spend less time connecting and more time alone reading. I start to feel disappointed in our marriage, so I adjust my expectations and make even less effort to connect, so even more distance grows between us. My resentment grows until we have a big blow up. We eventually re-connect and things are better for a little while until the mundane routines reassert themselves. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Clearly what I need to do is keep making an effort to be close with my husband, or truly adjust my expectations to be genuinely okay with a lack of closeness. I’m going to ask that we schedule one evening during the work week and one on the weekend when we expect that we’ll spend an hour or so together after the kids go to bed. No devices/books/distractions. Maybe even no TV. If that isn’t enough, I guess we’ll try something else.

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The second pattern happens in my financial life. It goes something like this: I spend a lot for a month, then feel really guilty about it (on top of recognizing that buying all-the-things didn’t actually make me happy), then I am really good about not getting much for 4-6 weeks, after which time I fall back into a spending binge. Later. Rinse. Repeat.

I clearly need to institute a longer shopping ban, or even a spending freeze. I have started a shopping ban that I intend to stick with for at least three months, but hopefully will stay with until June (or maybe even the entirety of 2017?!). I obviously need to stop shopping for long enough that I’m not just delaying purchases for a little while. We’ll see how I do. But this is just for things I buy, not necessarily experiences that cost money (like seeing movies, eating out with a friend, etc). I am toying with the idea of entire month of a legitimate spending freeze, where I only spend money on the absolute essentials. That would happen in February if I commit to it.

I actually broached the subject (of committing to a spending freeze together) with my husband and he didn’t immediately shut it down. He countered with continuing to track our spending for a few months to see how much we normally spend and then attempting a spending freeze. He has been writing down his spending (he buys everything on his credit card and then uses his statement to track purchases later), and packing a lunch for work most days, so I feel like I should respect his wishes on this. And the reality is, I could still institute my own spending freeze, because a lot of my “experience spending” happens with friends and not with my husband (we only very rarely order in these days and haven’t had a night out in ages). So I still might do it in February, we’ll see.

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This final pattern is a relatively new one for me, so I’m glad I’m recognizing it now. It goes something like this. I have a lot of projects that I want to get done around the house and at work. I realize I have a few days off when the kids are in school so I put off all the projects expecting to get them done during those “kid free days” (which really end up being “kid free hours”). Then those days come and I don’t get nearly as much done as I’d hoped, I panic that nothing is ever going to get done. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

This is a relatively new pattern for me because it only started when my daughter started at a school with a different break calendar than my own. It’s taken me a good year and a half to recognize that I do this, and realize that I need to make time for longer-term projects during daily life. I told my husband that I’ll need at least two full weekend days at work a month from now on. I’ll try to take them on alternating weekends. And on the weekends I’m home, I’d like to get an hour or so of long-term project work done each weekend, like actually taking the clothes that I’ve collected in bags all over the house to Young Families Resource Center, or going through the toy boxes in the living room. I plan to put this stuff on the calendar, and I recognize it will probably requiring doing less of other things I value, but I hope the general piece of mind from feeling more on top of things will even out any sacrifices that have to be made.

We’ve had plans to go to a cabin in the snow with my parents for about a month now, since Thanksgiving. We try to go with them for 2-3 days every year as the kids really like the experience of playing in the snow.

Last year we went to a cabin owned by a colleague of my mom’s, but this year we rented something on VRBO (my parents’ treat). I’m not quite sure why my mom didn’t want to ask her colleague if we could use the cabin again, but we were all excited to find one that was closer and wouldn’t require a five hour drive. We were set to leave the Friday before New Years.

Last Wednesday my son started throwing up. He threw up most of the night (I had to change his bed and pajamas FIVE TIMES), but woke up feeling much improved. I assumed we’d be good to go. Thursday night my daughter started vomiting. Like her brother, it was really bad for about seven hours, and then the next morning (when we were supposed to leave) she seemed a lot better. Of course, by then I wasn’t feeling very well, but I never threw up, just had intense waves of nausea and some serious GI issues. I called my mom to give her an update and found out that she had been throwing up violently most of the night as well. Whatever we had made swift work of the family.

I could tell my husband wanted to just call it, but by Friday morning my son seemed so much better; I could tell this was an intense virus with a short half-life and I thought we could make the most of our time in the snow, even if we weren’t feeling 100%.

So we left at 1:45, only an hour later than originally planned. My husband drove, because I was still having intense waves of stomach unpleasantness that required I double up and breath heavily (not unlike contractions). Unfortunately everyone else in the Bay Area had our same idea and we hit insane traffic, which doubled our 2.5 hour drive.

We ended up having a really nice time in the snow. We went sledding, had snow ball fights and built a “snow cat” (an actual snow man seemed like too big a project). The only hiccup was that more poor dad got our stomach virus on New Year’s Eve. The poor thing rang in the new year being violently ill, which perhaps is the only proper way to start 2017.

Also, the cabin had no cellular service and no internet, so I spent the 2.5 days totally unplugged. While I felt a twinge at not being able to text Happy New Year! to a few people, in the end I was really thankful for the days away. Sometimes it’s nice to only pay attention to the life that’s right in front of you.

Sunday night it started to snow. There wasn’t a ton up there to begin with, so it was very exciting for the kids to wake up to a white landscape on their last morning. It continued coming down while we got in our last trips down the big sledding hill. My kids have never seen snow fall before! I was very pleased with our last hours in the mountains, even though putting on snow chains is not a task I adore.

Ultimately the weekend was a success, despite the stomach virus that leveled us all (except my husband, how did he avoid it?!) I rang in the new year listening to my dad be sick in the only bathroom at the cabin (I had to pee so bad) and trying to help my son get through the night (he had a hard time sleeping there–everything is hard for him these days).

Today my kids start school, but I have another week off. I may have been super annoyed that we were in session until the 22nd, but I’m SUPER STOKED to still be off now. I am also so relieved my kids are going back to school; they have struggled outside of their normal routines and I think we’ll all benefit from some familiar schedules this week.

How was your New Years?

I know, I know, coconut oil is all the rage. People tout its ability to cure whatever ails you. I too was tired of reading about coconut oil and all it could accomplish, until I started relying on it for so many of my hair and skin-care needs.

For years I’ve been putting coconut oil on my son’s eczema patches before he took a bath. I really do think it helps the skin soften to soak up more water, while also protecting it from the damage that same water can do.

When I had thrush for months on end, I coated my nipples with coconut oil, especially when all the harsh chemicals I’d resorted to broke the skin of my areola out in a weeping rash. Coconut oil was the only thing that brought me relief during those painful days.

But besides that, I didn’t really use coconut oil much. It wasn’t until recently that I rediscovered it. Now I use it on my hair and body all the time.

It all started when I got lice the second time. I only ever used natural shampoos and conditioners to banish the fuckers, but washing my hair every day (and leaving the shampoo on for 10-15 minutes each time) definitely affected my scalp. A week or two after I believed I was clear of lice, my scalp was still itching, which then freaked me out because I thought the lice were back (or had never really been gone). When I researched itchy scalp, I fell down the rabbit hole of sites touting ways to alleviate the discomfort. Eventually I decided to try a mixture of coconut and jojoba oils. They worked! My scalp stopped itching, and (bonus!) my hair looked amazing.

Now I treat my hair with coconut and jojoba oils once or twice a month. The rest of the time I still use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair only three times a week. I will say that my hair looks and feels fantastic, and in the week right after I treat it, I can even wear my hair down without it getting frizzy.

The next problem coconut oil solved was on my son’s face. He started getting patches of eczema around his mouth, where constant wetness made it impossible for the skin to heal. I tried all manner of lotions and ointments, but nothing touched this red, irritated patches. It was hard to look at my poor boy, with the area around his mouth so inflamed.

Finally, one night, I slathered on some coconut oil and then covered it with Aquaphor. The next morning his patches looked noticeably less irritated, and after two days of regular applications his face was completely free of eczema. I’m still using it to help his sensitive skin heal from just being outside in the cold, and from the irritation caused by his drooling. I still can’t believe how well coconut oil works, when nothing else would touch it.

I was so impressed by how well the coconut oil healed my son’s face, I started using it on a few red patches I was getting. I had already attempted to slather my usual face lotion on multiple times a day, but a few spots around my mouth remained red and scaly. I assumed it was because of the dry winter air, and the difference in temp between the cold outside and warmer inside air. I worried the oil might make me break out, but the red patches were so unsightly, I decided it was worth a shot. Two applications later and the patches were gone.

I’m also putting coconut oil on my hands before I wash them at home. This is keeping them from drying out, despite the increased hand washing this time of year. My knuckles were red, scratchy and rough not three days ago, but now they are soft and smooth.

I’m even slathering coconut oil on my legs and arms before I shower, which is keeping the dry winter skin away.

I really can’t believe how much I’m using coconut oil these days, or how well it is working. It really does feel like a miracle product, and I’m so thankful I found it.

{I will admit there are a few cons to using coconut oil this much. It definitely leaves a film on my bathtub and and I have to clean it more frequently than I would otherwise. Also, when you put coconut oil on your hair it looks like you’re wearing crazy hair gel that makes your hair look wet when it’s dry. I usually apply it on a Friday when I don’t have anything to do, french braid it, and then wash it out the next morning. Two lathers and rinses are required to get all of it out, and even then, I notice my hair feels heavier until the third wash. I actually like that though, as it keeps my hair smooth and soft instead of big and frizzy.}

Do you use coconut oil on your skin or hair? Would you consider using it?

If your kids got a bunch of stuff (or will be getting stuff for the next few days), now is the perfect time to get rid of a bunch of stuff too.

If your kids are like mine and actually notice when something is gone (and get upset about its disappearance), it can be hard to get rid of their play things. Gift giving occasions can also be opportunities to purge, because kids are distracted by all their new stuff, and are less likely to realize that something older isn’t around.

My son just got a set of Hot.Wheel cars, so I went through his box of vehicles and removed twice as many as the new set had. Last week I emptied my son’s board book box so I could store the art supplies in there, and use the old art box to store the new Mag.former sets they got. I also donated my daughter’s puzzles so she has space for the new fashion designer set she loves.

I am also “storing some new toys for later.” I put that in quotation marks because I suspect those Christmas presents will eventually be given as birthday presents. With the amount of stuff their grandparents gave them, I doubt my kids will even miss these things. Hopefully the grandparents will eventually forget about them as well. (I’ll keep them around for a while in case someone asks after them.)

Finally, it was requested that the grandparents themselves house some of the bigger presents. The crazy Thomas jump set that takes up half a room is DEFINITELY staying at my parents’ house, and a bucket of Dup.los is staying at my in-laws.

My kids got a lot of stuff today–they are very lucky. I appreciate how much their grandparents love them and understand that showering them with gifts is one way they show their love. I also refuse to be held hostage by my kids’ things. We live in 12,000 square feet and I am organizationally challenged; we cannot have an excess of toys. There is sure to be more purging in the next weeks, as we struggle to accommodate all the new stuff. I will definitely have my kids make some of their own choices about what to let go of; they know that when new things come in, old stuff must also go out. I will also model my efforts to jettison the items I no longer need, as I make room for what I was given (which thankfully were only things I asked for because I actually needed them).

How are you feeling about all the new stuff that came, or is coming, into your house this holiday season? Do you make an effort to get rid of old stuff as you accommodate the new?

Thank you all for your responses to my last post. It helps to get outside perspectives. Moving forward I am going to work harder to determine what I need and make sure I’m getting it, even it that means my husband is more tired or my kids are crying because they want mommy, not daddy, in the morning. It’s going to be hard to make some of these changes, but it’s important enough to at least try. 

I have a lot of heavy posts in my draft folder, but now doesn’t seem like the time to post them. Perhaps after the holidays. In the meantime I’ll just say I’m in a weird headspace. It’s probably related to my period. I hate short cycles and hormones. 

Yesterday the kids and I were stuck inside while a storm raged. I decided to get out two of their Christmas presents and let them open them early; it’s one of the benefits of being and adult, right? That you can fudge the rules?

So we opened them and the kids had a great time playing lava monster and fairys-in-the-river with their new steppings stones. 

Tomorrow we spend the first half of the day at my in-laws’ and the second half at my parents’. It should be an insane day. 

I hope you all have a happy holidays, whatever it is you celebrate. 

I struggle a lot with self-respect, with recognizing my worth and requesting that other people treat me accordingly. This has been a big issue in my marriage; I am never sure of what I deserve and what I should expect of my husband. I am quick to give him what I know he wants, and rarely demand he give me what I need.

What ends up happening then, is I take on the brunt of the childcare and become the default parent, because I don’t value my own time enough to make my husband step up and do his share. I become the parent that handles 95% of the night wake-ups, who gets up with the kids on weekends mornings 9 times out of 10, who deals with all the baths and bedtimes, who attends all the doctors appointments and teacher conferences, who handles basically everything.

I do all of it because I believe it is my job, as the woman, as the mother. I do it all because I watched my mom do it all. I watched my mom devalue her own time and her own needs and do everything for us. I internalized that role and I took it on myself. And now, even when I find myself entrenched in resentment–and I recognize it’s my own doing–I don’t know how to have enough self-respect to demand my husband step up and do more.

I have a lot of amazing women friends who don’t seem to have a problem with this. Their significant others are much more equal parenting partners than my husband is. I’m sure this is partly to do with who their SOs are as people, but I also think my friends’ attitude contribute to their success in dividing the parenting more equally. They have the self-respect to know, deep inside, that they shouldn’t have to do it all, and they value themselves enough to demand their partners do their fair share. I watch them in wonder and awe.

Recently I found out my in-laws had blatantly disregarded a safety concern of mine and turned my son’s car seat around without telling me. I am certain they knew I didn’t want them to do that because they have commented many times that he seemed too cramped facing backward and I repeatedly told them not to turn him around, that he would be fine for the short trips he took in their car. And then this morning I took him down to help him in and found his seat turned around. I don’t even know how long ago they did it.

Evidently my husband saw it and didn’t mention it to me either. He says he just forgot about it after they gave him a ride, that he wasn’t trying to keep it from me. 

I understand this isn’t a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. I get that he is 3 years old and most 3 year olds face forward in their car seats. But I’ve read articles about how there are vertebrae in their spine that don’t fuse until 4 years old and if a car is rear-ended and a toddler’s head jerks forward it can cause horrible damage. It just seems like an easy precaution to take, especially since he doesn’t seem to mind sitting backwards.

And honestly, I’m not so much worried about anything happening to him in their car, as I’m worried he’ll decide that if he doesn’t have to face backward in his grandparents’ car, then he shouldn’t have to in our car either. 

The worst part about the whole situation is I probably will never say anything to them about it. I am not sure enough of my own stance to tell them how disrespected I feel, how dismissive of my concerns their actions were. I wonder if I’m over reacting, if I’m being too controlling. All I can think is that I ride my bike with my kids and surely that is more dangerous and how can I ask them to keep the car seat facing backward when I’m doing something as blatantly dangerous as riding around with my kids on a bike.

I know if one of my strong, self-assured friends were in the same position they would raise hell with their in-laws. I know they would stand up for themselves and demand that the car seat be turned back the other way. But I won’t do that. And I’ll feel that much smaller for conceding this to them.

Another example: For the last two nights I’ve been alone with the kids. After just two days away from their typical routines they are super dysregulated, and getting to bed has been a nightmare. Tonight, I informed my husband that I would be working out while he put the kids to bed. It is such a legitimate expectation after two nights alone with the kids, and yet I’ve spent the entirety of my time fretting that it was a bitchy thing to do, wondering if I should have helped, at least a little. I don’t know how to tur off that inner monologue, the one that tells me I should do more, should help others, should put the needs of those around me in front of my own. 

I know this is work I have to for myself, but I have no idea where to begin. Self-respect can be hard to come by.