Financial Security/Identity

Rethinking the “The Middle Class,” Part 1: The Definition

Posted on by noemikjames / 58 Comments

It started almost a year and a half ago, when my husband’s health insurance coverage kicked in. With that massive expense covered, we had finally arrived at the financial reality of our lives. Before that we were always in a transition of some kind: my husband finding a new job, maternity leave (without pay), working 80% to be home more after the second kid, purchasing our family’s health insurance out-of-pocket (to the tune of $2.5K A MONTH). When my husband’s coverage FINALLY kicked in, we were both earning as much money as we could expect to make for the foreseeable future. We had arrived. And yet, we were still living month to month, still watching the reimbursements from our tax sheltered child care account, and even most of our tax refund, going to unexpected home renovations or paying for our homeowners insurance when it came due. We didn’t feel we could put as much as we wanted into retirement and still pay the bills, and we weren’t putting anything aside for our kids’ college funds, let alone into savings.

I didn’t understand it: How could we barely be making ends meet? We had jobs that paid decent salaries. We were paying the mortgage on a modest house in a not-so-great part of town. We didn’t go on vacation. We didn’t buy extravagant things. Shouldn’t things be… easier? There was such a massive disconnect between the life I had expected and the reality of our financial situation, and every time I tried to investigate what might explain that disconnect, I came back to one thing: the idea of the middle class. I identified as being middle class, upper middle class even–and with two advanced degrees!–and I seemed to believe that along with my membership in that class, I had been promised a certain quality of life. And I didn’t expect we’d have to struggle so much to barely maintain it.

I grew up assuming I was middle class. Besides our stint abroad, our childhood seemed very “normal.” We had a nice house, two cars, we attended public schools, we were told we could attend state colleges or universities (without taking on debt), we took vacations, and we didn’t seem to think about money. It wasn’t until I was a senior in college and my father had been out of a job for over a year that my parents denied me something because of a lack of money: I was to graduate on time or foot the bill for anything I took in my fifth year. I promptly abandoned my Spanish minor and graduated in four years (quite a few of my friends went on to be “super seniors”).

I vaguely remember a conversation with my husband, early in our relationship, in which I asserted that my parents were, indeed, middle class, after he suggested we were actually better off than that. Even then I was protective of my inclusion in the “middle class” club. I bristled at the idea that we had more than most people; in my mind we were the same as everybody else. And I suppose that was true, because everyone around us was upper middle class–or better off–just like we were.

I believed I grew up middle class, and continued to be middle class, until this past year when I started googling the term to see what exactly the middle class was. While I’m still not clear on exactly who can claim ownership in the middlc class–no one is!–I’m pretty sure most people would not consider me a member. It seems, I am irked to say, that I am solidly upper class.

How can that be? How can a family that struggles to make ends meet, and isn’t saving, be upper class? Well first, let’s look at the numbers.

The range of incomes that delineate the middle class is not widely agreed upon. Some economists consider those making the middle 50% of incomes to be middle class. Others determine that those who make +/- 50% of the median income are middle class. The numbers I saw referenced most widely were provided by Pew Center Research, which performed a study on the middle class using government data in late 2015. Their income range of two thirds to two-times the national income median provided a spectrum of $46,960 – $140,900 a year for a four person household.

We are a family of four, and we make around $175,000 a year–we fall well outside that range. But we also live an area with a very high cost of living. Surely in San Francisco, where the median price for a home is $1.1 million, we are considered middle class. Well, CNN Money’s Middle Class calculator doesn’t think so. When I plugged in our salary and county (San Francisco city and county comprise the same area), I was informed that the upper threshold was $153,866. Even in the crazy expensive city of San Francisco, I’m still not considered middle class, at least not when it comes to how much I make.

Of course, income is not the only way to determine who is middle class. In fact, there are many economists who argue it is not the best indicator, because it fluctuates so much over a lifetime. For some economists, wealth is seen as a better indicator of economic status, as it takes into consideration inheritance or trusts that aren’t recorded on your W-2. An article at CNN Money presented one economist’s range –those that fall in the middle three fifths of the wealth spectrum (0$ to $401,000)–as being middle class; the lower fifth are in debt and the highest fifth are considered wealthy. While the article does not explain how to determine one’s “wealth,” I’m assuming a mortgage does not count as “debt” since it is a secured debt (my house is an asset held as collateral by the bank). If that is the case, we fall on somewhere in the range of middle class, as we have no unsecured debt, but no where near $400K in savings.

That same article presented three other ways that economists and federal agencies determine the middle class: consumption, aspiration and demographics. The aspirations of the middle class (illustrated in a cute little infographic)–home ownership, car, retirement security, family vacations, and college education for the kids–definitely encapsulates my understanding of the middle class, but I think it is less helpful in differentiating the middle and upper classes than it is the lower and middle classes.

I found the demographics section, which combines sociology and economics, most interesting. This infographic used age, education and race to determine if you are middle class by sending you through a series of yes/no questions until you finally end up in one of three categories: stragglers, middle class and thrivers. The most interesting part was there was no race distinction for people under 39. and both the White/Asian–Over 39 demographics who finished college were considered “thrivers,” (and those groups didn’t need to finish college to be considered middle class), while “any race” under 39 who finished college weren’t considered “thrivers,” but instead where deemed “middle class.” Sadly, those under 39 who didn’t finish college were delegated to the ranks of “stragglers.” According to “demographics” I am middle class, though I wonder if our post-graduate degrees (which were not accounted for in the infographic) would have pushed us into the “thrivers” category.

So, am I middle class? Probably not, but I’m still not sure. And the more articles I read, the more I realized that no one else is either.

So, why is it so hard to define the middle class? More on that tomorrow…

Does seeing the actual numbers ($46,960 – $140,900 a year for a family of four) change how you view your membership in the middle class? Does that range surprise you?

 

Life/Writing

Achievement Unlocked

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

I’ve written before (though maybe only on my other blog), that one thing I’ve struggled with during this stage in my life is a perceived lack of accomplishment.

I suppose I’ve never been very satisfied just living me life as it was. I was always desperate to reach the next milestone, to find a steady boyfriend, to get married, to have children, to buy a house. My sights were always set on what society next expected of me. I never once thought to forge my own path, or at the very least, take my time on the well worn one.

I was always so fucking impatient, so unable to just be, wherever I was. Why was that? Why is that now?

{I wonder sometimes if that is why I’ve always purchased things so compulsively, because the acquisition of something new was like an achievement of some kind–at the very least I had attained something. Maybe all that attaining of commercial crap was a desperate, subconscious attempt to make up for something more significant that I was failing to attain.

Maybe it still is.}

Now that I’ve reached all the milestones, and there are no more major life transitions to await, I wonder what the fuck I’m going to do with my life. Where will I find my creative fulfillment? What will I accomplish with these precious moments of this fleeting existence?

My husband and his friend started something amazing ten years ago and Saturday they celebrated its birthday. He was gone for much of the weekend, leaving me alone at night to pass the hours on the couch. I always feel a stab of melancholy and regret when my husband is out with others, not because I begrudge him a good time, but because there are few things I enjoy more than socializing, and I don’t have many opportunities to do it. And yet I found that I was less sad to be missing out on adult conversation this weekend, and more upset that I didn’t have some impressive accomplishment to celebrate, or even one to focus on for the future.

This clearly means something to me, this feeling that I am accomplishing something. It’s one of the reasons I’ve started looking for a new job–teaching a no-stakes class feels more and more like a waste of time, not a worthwhile way to live one’s entire life. I don’t know if I can look back on 30 years of teaching middle school Spanish and feel like I did something meaningful.

I understand that this is a season in my life, one that is defined by how little time is left to pursue creative ventures. And yet… from what I’ve heard, it won’t get better any time soon. I don’t see much changing for the next fifteen to twenty years. And honestly, I don’t even know what I want to achieve (if I did, I could probably find the time to do it). And maybe that is okay. Maybe I can wait, until I’ve taught long enough to draw a decent pension, and I don’t have kids at home demanding my time. Maybe those twenty years will inspire me, maybe that is when I’ll know what I want to do, when I’ll create something meaningful, when I’ll accomplish something that I can point to and be proud of.

And maybe I won’t. Maybe I won’t make it to the end those twenty years, or I’ll speed past them without producing something substantial, despite finally having the financial flexibility, and some time.

And perhaps that is the reality of it. Perhaps that will be my accomplishment, just making it through the next twenty years, working the same job, supporting my family, raising my kids, and finding contentment in that day to day existence. Maybe that is all I will ever achieve.

I know it’s not nothing. I know that raising two children is a worthy endeavor. But I also know that it’s not fair to pin my sense of accomplishment on their happiness and success. Even if I’m lucky enough that they end up well-adjusted, productive members of society, that is as much their achievement as mine. It just doesn’t seem right to pin this deep need in me to do something on two people who are just beginning their own lives.

I suppose what I’m meant to accomplish right now is an acceptance of my life, and the fact that I probably won’t have anything concrete at the end of it that I can point to and say, I did that, that was me, or even, I was a part of something. It will have to be enough that I lived, that I touched the lives of others in subtle, undefinable ways, that I didn’t take what I had for granted.

Yes, the ultimate accomplishment would be to achieve acceptance, of everything, for what it is. To learn to suspend judgement and approach every moment with equanimity. That is what life is all about.

That is the ultimate achievement unlocked.

I hope I have the next twenty years to figure it out.

PS – Mel’s post yesterday explored one way of articulating this feeling, and reading it was like opening a most expected and treasured gift. Sometimes being a part of this thing that is blogging really is magical.

PPS – The Middle Class posts start tomorrow. There will be three of them. I truly hope they are worth the wait.

What do you hope to accomplish with your life? Do you expect to achieve it?

Identity/Life

The Loneliness of Being Done with a Good Book (and recommendations please)

Posted on by noemikjames / 21 Comments

I was writing to a friend this morning, talking about how this past week has been pretty decent–almost completely without that crushing weight that frequently makes my life feel relentless and untenable. Then I went on to say I was two hours away from the end of Ready Player One, and as eager as I was to finish it, I was anticipating how sad I’d be when it was over.

And then I thought, I wonder if this past week has been so bearable, because I was reading this great book that offered me another world I could escape to?

I honestly think the two are completely related.

I know I’m going to finish Ready Player One tonight, and my husband won’t be home when that happens. I’m absolutely anticipating a very real feeling of loneliness when it’s over and I’m sitting there alone. Sometimes, when I’m really into a good book, and I finally finish it, I feel the kind of sad you feel when someone you care about moves away. Like there is a very real hole left in your life, an absence that pains you, and you want desperately to fill it.

Am I painting myself the sad, social outcast? Perhaps. But it’s the way I feel. It’s my truth. It probably means I need more friends, but I already know this. And honestly, I don’t mind falling so head over heels for a book that I feel like I’ve lost something, or someone, when it’s over.

It’s such a strange feeling, to want to keep reading, and yet be dreading the moment when it’s over, a mixture or elation and heartsickness, all at once.

Anticipating the end of Ready Player One, I’m requesting book recommendations. Something I can lose myself into for another week or so. A book that can be my good friend while I’m reading it.

Am I the only one who feels lonely and sad when she finishes a good book?

Can you recommend something amazing to me?

Uncategorized

My Oasis

Posted on by noemikjames / 14 Comments

Remember that thing I mentioned in yesterday’s post; my idea for how I could get away, that I can’t actually afford? This is it:

I want a yurt in our backyard. Nothing big or fancy, just a small one–maybe 15 feet across?–that can be my sanctuary, a spot to find calm in the storm. I know our house is not particularly small at 1200 sq ft, but it can feel small when there aren’t any rooms that I can escape to, where the kids will just leave me be. Our bedroom is basically in the living room because the only thing that separates the two is a foldable Japanese shade–sound passes through it like it’s not even there. The kitchen door doesn’t close right, and even if it did, it has glass panes and the kids can see through them (actually there are two glass-paned doors leading to the kitchen, one from the hall and one from the living room). The “sun room,” where we eat, is relatively secluded, but it’s small and dank and really cold in the winter (it has no insulation). Plus the cat’s food and water are in there, so my husband gets irrationally upset when I try to close the door, even for a short while.

There just isn’t anywhere I can get away from for an hour, when I need a break. And since my husband never takes the kids anywhere, I get way fewer breaks than he does. Plus, there is no room where I can work out in the morning, or during the bedtime routine that wouldn’t involve me waking someone up or getting yelled at by the kids at the gate when I’m on the elliptical.

The idea of a pristine, round room in our backyard, where I could do yoga or an exercise video, or just read a book for an hour in the middle of a weekend day, or on a night when I want some time away but don’t have anyone to meet up with (this happens A LOT) is so amazing. We have the perfect space for it, it would seriously be the coolest fucking thing. Of course we can’t afford it, and if we actually saved up a six-month emergency fund before we got one, we wouldn’t be able to get it for YEARS, like maybe a decade. So yeah. That is my thing right now. And it’s never going to happen. But it can sit in my mind, with the electric-assisted cargo bike we can’t afford, in that space reserved for wish-we-coulds, until it eventually fades away.

(This is much bigger than what I’m envisioning, but it’s the closest approximation that I could find.)

I know, I know. I’m fucking crazy. And I always want absurd shit. I’ll get over it. I just think it would be such a nice way to deal with so many of our problems. It’s fun to daydream.

Life

Blerg

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

So, it turns out that synthesizing multiple articles, along with my own thoughts, and the thoughts of others, in a cohesive, insightful way is hard. Really hard. And it’s taking me forever to do it.

It doesn’t help that Saturday night I drank too much and Sunday morning I felt horrible. Like, hungover, horrible. I was supposed to be at work by 9am and that is where I was going to take some quiet hours to work on my post, but at 8am there was no way I could get out of bed, let alone drive for 30 minutes on the highway, so I lost my chance. I was super frustrated with myself.

I didn’t end up making it to work until 11:30, which means I had less than an hour to make copies and get a few things together to bring home before I met my daughter and mom at a youth theater production of Aladdin Jr. that some of my students were in. At least by then I was feeling better.

The rest of the evening went okay and I thought I might even be able to write the post Sunday, while I exercised but I quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen. It’s one thing to get on the elliptical and get down about of stream-of-consciousness drivel like this, it’s quite another to jump back and forth between my outline and links and wordpress’s draft page. I gave it a good ten minute go, but I wasn’t getting anywhere.

And I still have to make six seating charts before I go to bed. So yeah, it’s not happening. Or by the time you read this, it will have failed to happen.

Ugh, the I-was-super-hungeover-and-only-feel-marginally-better workout is not fun. It’s going to be a long 45 minutes.

But before I sign off, I want to get out a few thoughts that have been churning in my head of late. They aren’t really big enough to be posts in and of themselves, but they are worth putting out there.

  • Saturday my parents took the kids after my son’s nap because my husband and I were seeing a comedy show (SF SketchFest is in town–my husband and I have been going for ten years). We wisely decided to get busy before we went out because I knew we’d be tired when we got home, and I wasn’t sure we’d have time the next morning (ha! or be hungover!) so we commenced sexy time, but I was having such a hard time getting into it. Finally I realized that I was stressed about the general state of the house, and the busy Sunday ahead, and I just couldn’t push either from the back of my mind. Once I realized what was happening I was able to get past it relatively quickly and we ended up enjoying ourselves (finally!). Later I told my husband why I thought I had struggled so mightily to get in the mood. I think he kind of understands. The weekend we spent together in December the house was clean and we had four days to do with as we pleased; it was super easy for me to get in the mood then. It’s a lot harder when every where I look I see a mess to be cleaned or laundry to be folded. I’m not sure how to handle this moving forward, but I think recognizing it is a good first step.
  • We found out Friday that my daughter’s teacher will be out for four weeks because of an emergency surgery. There is little chance they will find a long term sub, which means the next month will see a revolving door of substitutes who have no idea what they are doing while the room descends into chaos. This will be stressful for all of the class. My daughter will handle it especially poorly.
  • We are THREE WEEKS AWAY from being done with vision therapy. The only thing I have more eagerly awaited was finishing graduate school (when I was working full time with a six month old). To say the last eight weeks has been challenging would be an understatement of epic proportions. There are few things I loathe as much as those fucking exercise, and the hell they make my life. I cannot wait to be done with it. And the really great news is that my daughter has progressed amazingly well–she’s almost already where they want her, the final weeks are just to buildup the neuropathways she’s been creating so that she will never have to have vision therapy again. Three weeks. I can do three weeks. We’re soooooo close.
  • My daughter’s “selective eating” (I read somewhere you should use “selective” instead of picky”) is becoming more selective. As the range of her approved foods narrows, it’s becoming harder and harder to find something she is willing to eat. Her breakfast and lunch every school day is the same thing, and at this point there are only a handful of things she’ll have for dinner. We clearly need to change something, but I’m not willing to do that until we’re done with vision therapy. There are only so many battles I can fight in a single evening.
  • Things with my husband continue to be better. He is still stepping up on the home and child care front in ways he didn’t used to. He’s still not bitching about it. I’m learning to let him do things I used to do, and to not feel guilty about him doing it. I’m learning to leave my martyrdom at the door. Things are good, and dare I say it? I think they may even get better.
  • {My only wish is that it were easier for me to get away. I actually have an idea for how to make that happen, but of course I can’t afford it. I’ll write more about this soon — for realz this time, I actually wrote it in this post but it got too long so I pulled it out. I’ll put it up tomorrow.}
  • Holy shit how do I still have ten more minutes on this machine?! I know I’ll feel better for having exercised but right now I just want to be done! For the love!
  • I finally started Ready Player One and am, only one fourth of the way in, totally and completely obsessed. I really hope it maintains my attention and enthusiasm for the remainder.
  • Did you know that if you do something you want to undo on your iPhone–like select text and then paste over it instead of copying it–you can shake your phone and a “undo action” button will appear. It’s like Command+Z for your iPhone and evidently it works in multiple apps.

And I’m pushing 1.000 words so I’ll let you all go. I wish I could write my middle class post as easily as this one. Thank you for your patience as I attempt to tackle what is clearly more than I am capable of.

Writing

Coming Soon to a Blog Near You

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

So! You lovely ladies totally came through and the discussion on that last post was f*cking amazing. So, so interesting, insightful and thoughtful. You absolutely inspired me in the writing of my post.

And I would be putting up that post instead of this one, except…well, life. Early this week my daughter had a few nights that were really hard. They were the kind of nights that make me think things about being a mom that I don’t think most mothers think. They were really, really hard, the kind of hard that makes me wonder if I’m going to make it through the next few years with my sanity in tact. The kind of hard that makes me fear for my daughter’s future contentment.

And then last night, right when things were getting better at home, I had two PTA meetings, one for each of my kids’ schools.

So yeah. The post isn’t written yet. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and I’ve been emotionally exhausted. The only thing that got me through some parts of it, honestly, was the conversation happening on this blog. I so appreciated being able to engage in a meaningful discussion about a topic that interests me, especially when real life was totally overwhelming.

I plan to have the post up Monday. I have all my links ready, and my thoughts mostly organized. I am so looking forward to getting it all down (parts of it are written already), and then putting it out there. I am very much looking forward to the discussion that I hope will follow.

I’m sorry that conversation isn’t taking place today. It’s frustrating when life gets in the way, but I’ve been around long enough to get over it and let it go. I apologize for not following through in the way I planned, but I promise I will follow through eventually.

I hope you all have a great weekend. See you on the other side.

Financial Security/Identity

Your Thoughts on the Middle Class

Posted on by noemikjames / 66 Comments

I have been working on a post about “being middle class.” I originally wanted to ask all of you some questions before I put up the post, but then I thought that was bad blogging etiquette (asking you for your thoughts before I gave mine). So I started reading articles and writing the post. And the more I read about it, and wrote about it, and thought about it, the more I realized that I REALLY want to know what you all think before I post here. Basically, I want to sit down and have a conversation with all of you about this, and I want to hear what you think, because I’m still not sure what I think, and I’m hoping your thoughts will enlighten and inspire me.

So here it is. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about money and personal finances and how people get by in this country. It boggles my mind that we make as much as we do and still struggle to save money (and sometimes even to make ends meet). I have always considered myself “middle class”–upper middle class, to be more exact, and I wonder what the financial lives of others in the middle class actually look like. This led me to wonder what being “middle class,” really meant, what the actual parameters are (if any are agreed upon), and how people who are middle class feel about money and their own personal finances. So before I write more about all that, I want to ask you: Do you consider yourself middle class? Why or why not? How do you define “the middle class”? What does it mean to you to be “middle class” (whether you identify as belonging or not)? Do you ever think/read/write about “the middle class,” and if so, in what contexts? If you have anything else to share about this ubiquitous, and yet strangely elusive topic, please feel free to share.

And… Thoughts!

Financial Security

Our Great Financial Sin

Posted on by noemikjames / 37 Comments

For years I had spending issues that I was so afraid to face, that I never looked closely at our financial situation. While I could definitely improved on the spending front, I’ve got a good handle on it, enough so that I KNOW my spending is not frivolous. Sure I could spend less, but most of what I spend money on are things we need–and I never purchase these things extravagantly.

So why is it that we can’t seem to save any money? Until very recently, the shame and guilt I’ve suffered over my past spending habits swayed my opinion into the “we must be doing something horribly wrong,” way of looking at things. I assumed we were committing egregious financial sins, especially as I read more and more personal finance blogs and saw how much of their income other people were saving.

And yet, when I look at our situation, I can’t find those egregious financial sins. The reality is, when it comes to the big stuff, we are (and have been) very financially responsible:

  • We only own one car, a Honda Accord which we bought used and which we’ll own until it doesn’t drive anymore (I’ve already put over 100,000 miles on it in 5.5 years).
  • We lived in a small, rent controlled apartment for far longer than it fit us (and that was probably causing health problems) and we didn’t leave until we could purchase a house.
  • We bought a house when the market wasn’t crazy and interest loans were REALLY GOOD (maybe the best they ever were?!).
  • We don’t take vacations.
  • We hardly ever travel, and when we do it’s to see family (once ever other year–and usually my parents help us pay for air fare) or friends, so we don’t have to pay to stay.
  • We don’t upgrade technology unless absolutely necessary. {Both our computers are white MacBooks–over seven years old–that we bought when our other computers were stolen. Our iPads were handed down from our parents.}
  • We didn’t have a wedding, or go on a honeymoon, or buy expensive wedding bands (and I didn’t get an engagement ring).
  • We have aggressively paid off our student loans (I’m a year away from being done!)
  • We put money away for retirement every month (though not enough).

So what are our egregious financial sins? Why can’t we afford a life that seems reasonable to us as professionals with advanced degrees?

I’ve been able to identify a few:

  • My husband took a non-profit job that paid less than 1/3 of what he was making at his law firm so he could champion a cause that he feels is important and he believes in (gun control). It was during those years that we had our children.
  • During those 4.5 years neither of us had access to affordable health care through our jobs–when our second child was born we were spending $2.5K A MONTH to provide health insurance for our family.
  • I have “pre-existing health conditions” in the form of mental health issues that made (and continue to make) different kinds of insurance (life, disability, etc) more expensive.
  • I am a teacher so I’ve never made a good salary, especially taking into consideration my advanced degree.
  • My husband now works for the city, so he also doesn’t make a great salary, especially considering he has a JS.
  • MOST IMPORTANTLY–we live in the third most expensive city IN THE WORLD (when it comes to housing prices).

So there you have it. Our egregious financial sins are working jobs that benefit society more than they benefit our bottom line, and living where our families live (which is, unfortunately, in an incredibly expensive city/area), while falling victim to the insanity that is skyrocketing health care costs.

I think, what it comes down to, is that we were taught to expect a standard of living that our level of education no longer guarantees, in a time when the economy is changing so quickly and rapidly, that the financial rules of the last generation don’t apply. Sure my parents made more than we do, but not by much, and they did it with less education (and student debt) than my husband and I have. But my parents NEVER had to think about health care, let along pay for their own health insurance. And my father worked abroad back when when they paid for your housing, so renters were paying off their mortgage for ten years while they lived rent-free.

My husband’s father raised a family of four on his income alone as a city employee, but he didn’t have to save for retirement because he was paying into a pension that guaranteed he could maintain his standard of living when he stopped working (after 35 years in Human Resources, my FIL makes more in retirement than I make as a teacher who is only three steps from the highest salary on the scale). Housing was more affordable back then, as way food, gas and other basic necessities. My husband works for the same city, but his pension plan will provide significantly less, and his salary gets him less as well.

Also, our advanced degrees cost more (taking into consideration inflation) than our parents’ degrees cost, which means we’ve had to put more of our monthly income toward paying off student loans than they did.

The old rules just don’t apply.

I have been thinking about this a lot. I realize now that I made very real mistakes when it came to choosing my career. Knowing what I know now, I don’t think I would have moved out of the area–being near my parents is important to me, especially now that I have kids–but I absolutely would have chosen a job based on what I could expect to earn. I honestly didn’t think much about it at the time, I just figured that if my parents could afford their lifestyle (my mom was a teacher), then I could teach and afford it too (I will admit that I assumed my husband would “make the money”–so dumb, I know). I knew nothing about how much houses cost (especially in this area), how much I should be putting away for retirement, how much I should be able to save each month and how important investing was. No one ever taught me those things. So now I’m figuring it out, when it’s almost too late.

And honestly, I do believe it’s too late for me to make the changes necessary to have the life I always envisioned for my family. Traveling was a HUGE part of my childhood and I wanted that for my kids, but I know now that just won’t happen for them. We won’t ever have a real bedroom with four enclosed walls, or a second bathroom to provide a little privacy, and that’s fine too. I’m willing to let go of my dreams of more space to live in this city, near our parents–I recognize that is a choice we make.

But I want to continue educating myself so I can teach my children these lessons that I never learned. I want them to know–from actual experience–how much of what they earn should be put into savings, and that they have to make very real sacrifices for the things that are most important to them. I want them to learn how to delay, or forgo, gratification that they can’t afford. I want them to be good at recognizing what they really want, so they can make financial choices accordingly.

I know this post sounds very woe-is-me, and I don’t mean for it to be. I see myself for what I am: an entitled woman learning things now that she should have learned long ago. I recognize I’m incredibly privileged, that the things I am letting go were luxuries I should never have taken for granted, let alone expected. I get that I’m a rich little white girl getting only the smallest taste of the real world. Honestly, I’m not angry with the realities of my life; I’m just angry that no one bothered to teach them to me. I’m just angry that it was assumed I would understand, that I would know my parents saved money (I suppose I did) and it would be clear to me how they budgeted to do that. I wish someone would have sat me down and explained how important it was to start saving for retirement in my early 20’s, long BEFORE I turned 20, instead of when I was 28, or taught me how to delay short-term gratification for long-term gain. But no one taught me those things. And honestly, I’m thankful my kids will grow up being forced to learn them not only through the lessons we teach, but their own life circumstances.

In the end, I guess that was my true egregious financial sin–learned (or perhaps willful?) ignorance. I’m glad I’m figuring it all out now, so I can teach it to my kids, before it’s too late. I see now, that these lesson are priceless.

How did you learn financial responsibility? Would you change it in any way? How do you plan to teach your children?

Life/Parenting & Family

Time

Posted on by noemikjames / 20 Comments

Holy shit, life has been busy. Lately the lack time has felt severe, to the point that I start to get panicky thinking of all the things I have to do and how few hours I have to do them.

I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, but getting through each day can be overwhelming. It’s not even about how I might fit in the thing I want to do, it’s about how I can manage all the things I feel I have to do. And the reality is most of them don’t get done, and the clean laundry sits all over the couch for five days, and I don’t make my grandmother’s calendar until two weeks into the new year, and every night I shave off a few more minutes of sleep until I’m barely getting six hours again.

I return all the unread comic books to library, because I know they won’t get read before they’re due. I don’t bookmark posts I want to come back and comment on because I know I’ll never have a free moment at my computer. I fish my jeans out of the dirty clothes hamper AGAIN, because I still haven’t manage to wash them. I get yet another note from my son’s daycare about how they are running low on diapers. I scramble to edit my students’ skits in the three minutes between classes.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve already extracted so much from my life: I’m not trying to see friends; or connect with my husband during the week; or make extra money tutoring (though I need to). I carve out time to exercise three days a week because my mental health depends on it, and that is usually when I blog, or comment. That is the only thing I’m doing right now that I don’t actually HAVE to do. All the rest is necessary–morning routines, making the kids dinner, putting them to bed, grading papers. I don’t see what I can stop doing to make things easier, and yet this life feels untenable.

I think a lot these days about the “seasons” in one’s life. I know this is a particularly hectic season in my life, but I also know I have a few more years left in it and I’m trying really hard to make those years not only manageable, but at least somewhat enjoyable. It’s hard not to feel like I’m failing at that, and I’m not sure how or why that is.

Not sure where to end this post. Life feels hectic and relentless and I want to simplify things but I don’t know how. And that is where I’ve been these past two weeks. And I’m hoping it gets better.

How do you make your life less hectic?

Financial Security/Identity/Life

Stating my Intention

Posted on by noemikjames / 17 Comments

I have a few things I’m working on right now, but I don’t want to write about them yet. For some reason, with these particular intentions, I feel more determined to prove that I’m serious about them by actually sticking with them for a month or two before I talk about them. I’m not sure why the prospect of revealing what I’ve done is more enticing than stating that I’m going to do it, and then following through. Maybe it’s that I feel so determined to accomplish these few goals; plus I have other avenues of support to hold me accountable. All I know is that I’m enjoying holding these few goals close, keeping them to myself for a bit, and anticipating the joy of eventually exposing them to the light.

There is another goal though, one I do want to share. I’m feeling a lot more tentative about this goal. I know it’s something I want, and frankly need, to do, but it scares me. A lot. I’m not quite sure how to proceed with this goal, and I do feel I need support, and to be held accountable. It would be easy for me to walk away from this intention without even taking the first step. That’s why I’m stating it here, for you all to read; I’m hoping you’ll help me hold myself accountable. And I want a reminder of why I’m doing it, for those times when I get cold feet.

This spring, I’m going to look for a new job.

That sentence was way harder to write than I realized.

I’ve thought about making the move to high school for a lot of years, but there have always been reasons to stay. Those reasons still exist, but each is a little less compelling that it has been, and cumulatively, their hold is not as strong as it once was.

There are a lot of reasons I’ve stayed at my job for so many years. I want to list them here because it’s important to acknowledge them for what they are. If I don’t write them down, I worry their allure will burgeon, taunting me to stay, as my fear grows.

Reasons I’ve Stayed at my Job

  • I like teaching Spanish, and the other classes I’ve taught over the years have kept me from getting bored.
  • The staff is great; there is a real sense of community.
  • My mom is on campus and I love visiting with her every day.
  • Decent commute.
  • They have been VERY accommodating with my schedule.
  • I’ve been teaching these classes for so long that they require very little prep (less work to do outside of school).
  • I feel capable in this position and it’s comfortable and easy to stay.
  • I’ve enjoyed the increased responsibility as English Language Development Coordinator.
  • Good salary (as far as teachers go).
  • Professional autonomy–I can teach what I want (mostly) and how I want to teach it (completely). I don’t have to answer to, or deal with the politics of, a foreign language department.

The reality is, I have a really good thing going here, and I recognize that. Ever time I’ve considered looking for a high school position, I’ve weighed the possible pros and the probable cons and determined the negatives outweighed the positives. There is so much to love about my job, I figured that at best it would be a wash.

So what has changed? Two things: I’m increasingly dissatisfied teaching this age and grade level. This year over half of my day is spent with 6th graders, and I don’t love that. 6th graders will always be a part of my day here, and even if I got to teach only 8th graders, I’d still want to teach older kids. After 12 years at the middle school level, I’m ready for more mature, capable students.

I’m also getting tired of teaching such a low level of Spanish. It’s just not very interesting. I can never teach anything higher than Spanish 1 here, and most of the day I don’t get to teach even that.

Other things have changed as well. Many of the reasons I loved working here just aren’t as… compelling anymore. The sense of community I used to feel is not nearly as strong as it once was. In some ways I isolated myself with weird schedule requests that brought me closer to my family while creating distance from my colleagues. But it’s not just my own self-imposed isolation: the culture has changed. Most of it trickles down from the district level, but there are issues with our administration as well. Our staff used to be a cohesive unit, held together by mutual respect and real friendship, but those bonds have been denigrating for a while. The sense of belonging I used to feel is not as strong as it once was.

It’s the little things too. My mom retires the year after next so that reason for staying will be gone soon. The few friendships I’ve attempted to make with my colleagues have stalled out, and turn over is low, so work friendships aren’t a reason to stay. Most schools only honor ten years of service in a prior district and I’m already at 12; if I wait much longer the chance I will have to take a pay cut grows. (The only reason I hope I might not have to is that in most districts high school teachers make more than lower grade teachers.) Also, I wasn’t sure until this year where my daughter would be going to school; now that I know she’s not in my district I have the freedom to find anywhere on the peninsula.

There has been a final compelling reason I’ve stayed at my job, especially these last few years: I’ve been waiting for life to get easier. I have two young children right now and life at home is exhausting. Time is at a premium and the idea of having to start over somewhere new, with all the prep work that entails, has been overwhelming. I figured if I waited a few years, evenings would feel more manageable and I’d feel more capable of tackling the increased work load of a new job. But the more I talk to the mothers of older kids, the more convinced I am that I shouldn’t wait until it “feels easier.” Sure there will be a time when my kids don’t need me to usher them through every part of their bedtime routine, but by then they will also have commitments outside the home that require I sit at lessons or classes, or at the very least shuttle them to and fro. I’m probably never going to have appreciably more time than I have now, so I need to quit waiting for the elusive couple of years when things are “easier.” Working full time with two kids is never going to feel easy and I’m never going to feel totally capable of starting from scratch at a new job, so I should just bite the bullet and do it now.

That doesn’t mean I’m not terrified of what starting over somewhere might entail–because I am. But I’ve never let fear keep me from attempting something important and I’m not going to start now.

And that’s the thing, this is a start. I don’t have to accept a new position this year, I just have to apply and interview (if anyone wants me to). One of the reasons I want to start now is so I have plenty of time (years, if need be) to find a position that feels right for me. If I wait until I’m miserable at my job, and feel like I have to escape to save my sanity, I might accept something that isn’t a good fit. So I’m going to start this year, see what positions become available, and see what high school salaries look like when you’ve been teaching middle school for 12 years. I can’t take a pay cut, at least not without creating considerable financial stress for our family, so there may not be much I can even consider. But that is all part of taking this first step–ultimately it’s a fact finding mission. If I think of it like that, it doesn’t stress me out so much.

Schools don’t usually start posting jobs for the coming school year until March or April, so I have a few months to work on my resume and learn how the application process works. I’m not projecting any expectations into the future, just focusing on each step as I tackle it. Hopefully, I will learn something valuable this year, so that eventually I can find a job that is more satisfying.

I know some of you are educators–if anyone has made the jump from middle school to high school and can enlighten me on some of the differences in teaching at those levels, I’d REALLY appreciate it. And if anyone has any tips on job searching, applying or interviewing, I am all ears. I haven’t looked for a job in a LONG time. I need all the help I can get.