No-additives Diet/Parenting & Family/Sensory Processing Disorder

Dissent

Posted on by noemikjames / 35 Comments

I needed an extra hour at work yesterday so I asked my in-laws meet me at my daughter’s after care. Then I forgot my phone at work and was really late, so they arrived before me. The first thing out of my daughter’s mouth when I walked up was, “Mommy, I’m mad because Ms. J said I couldn’t have snack like all the other kids because of my special diet. I hate my special diet.” And that was how my in-laws were alerted to current plan of action.

My husband went over there last night to grab the cloth diapers they forgot and ended up staying a long time. I knew that whatever was going down over there, it wasn’t good.

I’ll probably never know exactly what was said at my in-laws place. All I do know is that now my husband is not sure if the negative social/emotional experience of being “left out” and “different” is worth the possible gains of following this diet strictly. He’s fine with us doing it at home, but he’s not sure he will support making our daughter follow it at school, after care or any other social situation (like the birthday party last week). He says he didn’t realize it had to be followed so strictly. And when I ask if he thinks thing have gotten better, he throws it back in my face saying that if things are already improving and we aren’t following it strictly yet (we’re still using Grape Flavored Kid’s Claritin and Strawberry flavored Tom’s of Maine Toothpaste, to name a few things we still need to change) then why do we need to adhere completely to the diet at all?

I think you can imagine how this conversation went. 

But honestly, it’s hard for me to argue with that.

I mean sure, it would be great to know how awesome it could be. But if things are better now without turning our lives completely upside down, maybe I should just ease up and enjoy this improvement.

I acknowledged that this sucks for our daughter. I know how shitty it is to follow a strict elimination diet. Of course I don’t know what it’s like to do that when you’re 5-years old and just starting Kindergarten. Honestly, I don’t think she feels weird or different or judged by the kids. Mostly I think she just wants to eat whatever they are eating. She is VERY motivated by junk food.

Unfortunately she seems to be too young and unaware to realize that she has been in a better mood for the past week. When I ask if she feels better she immediately says that her cough isn’t as bad. She can’t seem to recognize that she isn’t a raging bitch anymore, that she’s actually pleasant to be around for most of the day.

I told my husband that he should look into the diet more carefully and decide what he’s comfortable with. I also told him that if he decides it isn’t in our daughter’s best interest to follow the diet strictly, and she eventually backslides into her past destructive behavior (or it becomes clear that she’s struggling to meet the social or educational demands put upon her in Kindergarten) that HE will have to be the one to research possible solutions AND he will be one to follow through on them, even if that means taking time of work to take her to appointments or therapies. I made clear it wasn’t an ultimatum, I’m simply unwilling to spend hundreds of hours of my life searching for strategies if he’s unwilling to really give this a try.

I’m so annoyed and frustrated with my in-laws right now. I understand that they only have our daughter’s best interest at heart, but it’s clear that sometimes they confuse “current happiness” with “long term contentment.” Sure it sucks for her right now, but if this helps her focus, levels her moods and reduces her anxiety, she’ll be better off for it. And honestly, if she continues acting the way she does, she’ll isolate and ostracize herself because no one will want to be around with that kind of attitude. She already struggles in social situations and has no real meaningful connections with anyone in her peer group. If she weren’t so irritable, with such rigid expectations, she might actually be able to make a friend. Wouldn’t that be worth eating a slightly different snack than everyone else?

If the diet doesn’t end up making a significant difference, she can start eating what everyone else is eating, and in a month she won’t remember that she had to eat a different snack for a few months.

And now it’s midnight and tomorrow is the first day of school, AND Back to School Night, AND I have en emotional hangover.

Life has such perfect timing.

Have your in-laws (or parents) ever overstepped their bounds in frustrating ways? How do you handle it when they don’t support your parenting?

Home/Life

New Year

Posted on by noemikjames / 16 Comments

This is my twelfth time starting a new school year. I’m sure it’s easier than it was in the early years, but with all the requirements from home it doesn’t feel that much easier.

I definitely don’t feel nervous about welcoming the kids tomorrow, or filling the time in my five classes. I’m not even nervous about Back to School Night. (Yes, it’s on the first day of school. Yes it’s crazy.) But there is this undercurrent of stress, this clenching of teeth, this erupting over minor disturbances, these tears falling semi-regularly.

It’s just a lot. A lot starting my daughter in Kindergarten. A lot attempting this diet. A lot starting a new school year. A lot dealing with in-laws who are taking care of our son again (only until he’s two and can start at preschool/daycare–thank god!) A lot trying not to destroy my marriage (I’ve come close).

It’s just a lot. My house looks like a hurricane hit it. The laundry is piling up. I haven’t figured out yet when anything is going to get done. I wake up at 6am, spend 90 minutes getting my daughter (and myself) ready for school. I high tail it to work at peak commuting time. I try to get more done at work than fits in the hours because I can’t stay later, even when I need to. I watch the clock until it’s time to go, pick up my daughter from after care before meeting my in-laws with my son at home (yes we are so lucky that they drive him home–did I mention it’s only two months until my son can start daycare? Help from family is always a double edged sword). Then it’s trying to make dinner while my kids attempt to brutalize each other. And then trying to get them to eat dinner without making myself crazy. And then counting the hour and a half until bedtime.

I never see my son. I miss my son.

It feels like there are no moments for me. And it’s exhausting. I’m not sure yet when I’ll exercise, let alone pick up the living room or fold laundry.

It’s a long day, for all of us. I’m sure we’ll find a rhythm. I’m sure it will be okay. But right now, it feels overwhelming.

It turns out I struggle as much with transitions as my daughter does. I just want to fast forward a month, when everything feels more manageable. The in between time will feel looooong, and be rough.

Health & Well Being/No-additives Diet

Hopeful

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

When I started implementing the no-additives diet I wondered what changes I hoped to see in my daughter’s behavior. There were moments I worried I wouldn’t recognize an subtle improvement and might not even realize the diet was helping.

Then this weekend happened.

On Saturday my daughter was like a different kid. She was nice, affable, fun to be around. She laughed easily and made me laugh. She told me she loved me. Multiple times. She engaged her brother on his terms. She mentioned that she liked hanging out with him and found him enjoyable to be around. She took initiative and solved problems without asking for help, when before she would have whined until it was done for her. She was flexible and never got frustrated. Dinner was pleasant. Getting ready for bed was a game. She joked around. She told me she loved me again. And again. And again.

Mom, I love you.

It was like she was a different kid.

We’ve only been doing the diet for a week. Less than that really, and we haven’t strictly enforced it as we figured things out. Maybe this magical day had nothing to do with the diet (my husband’s take–he’s still not really on board), but I’m going to believe it did because it gives me hope and helps me keep going.

Sunday wasn’t as wonderful, but it was still a lot better than most days. We had our first really challenging diet moments at a birthday party when my daughter fixated on the marshmallows she couldn’t eat for a long time. I could tell she felt left out when she had to eat an ice cream sandwich instead of the cupcakes everyone else enjoyed (I tried to make her cupcakes at home but it just didn’t work out). But when we got home she was over it quickly and she still did have a good time at the party with her friends. I feel for her because I know how much it sucks to be the odd person out when it comes to food. I wish she didn’t have to be that kid, but if it really does help her feel better, it’s worth it.

Last week was REALLY hard for a lot of reasons. I’m so hoping that this week continues to remind us why we’re doing this, because it’s not easy, and it really helps to have hope.

Is there anything that you feel hopeful about right now?

Life/Parenting & Family/Writing

Struggling

Posted on by noemikjames / 27 Comments

Sorry for the absence from this space. Things have been hectic and at the end of the day I just don’t feel like writing much.

The reality is I’m kind of struggling right now and I don’t write much anymore when I’m struggling. I’ve learned not to put myself out there in certain ways–my words have been used against me too many times, even by people who claim to understand that this space is mine and that what is said here does not represent who I am. I just don’t feel comfortable writing some things, and that is probably for the best.

My daughter’s first day of Kindergarten was… challenging. She got sick the day before and was running a fever of 101. I was heartsick because I know how important the first day, especially for a kid who gets herself worked up into an emotional mess before big transitions. So the next morning when she woke up with a hellacious cough and a continued fever I dumped a bunch of acetaminophen down her throat and sent her off even though she felt like shit. Once it was clear I wasn’t going to accept the “I’m sick” excuse she started crying that she was “really nervous.” Obviously she had a cold, but I wonder if some of the fever wasn’t a result of her emotional turmoil. She has missed two of her own birthday celebrations (they had to be cancelled) because she got sick the night before. I think she may be the kind of kid that works herself up so much she has a physical reaction. (I used to be like that.)

She was in much better shape when I picked her up. She said she loved Kindergarten and that her teacher is super nice.

It’s gone downhill since then. Now the afternoon/evening is peppered with reasons she hates Kindergarten and hates After Care even more. It’s been a hard transition for her, to be sure.

We also started the no additives diet. I’ve communicated to the after school program that she can’t eat their snacks and I send her with her own. This has already caused some problems (my daughter getting upset because she can’t have the gummies they are eating), but honestly I’d rather start now so they get used to it from the beginning, even though it probably makes my daughter hate after care more.

I drafted an email to my in-laws about the diet but my husband has to check it before we send it. I don’t think they are going to take it very well. They will surely have many judgement laden questions to ask. I just hope they follow it, even if they do judge us.

I was hoping we’d see some positive changes in the first days but so far there hasn’t been much to show for our efforts. If anything this week has been harder than most, but I suppose that is to be expected.

Also, this particular diet eliminates a lot of fruits because they contain salicylates, which some children are sensitive to. Unfortunately almost all the fruits my daughter actually eats are on the no-no list (apples, grapes, oranges, berries of any kind). She doesn’t eat any vegetables so if we take these out she will get no fruits or veggies except banana and mango (neither of which she is willing to eat right now). We decided not to take them out completely for the time being, and if we’ve seen no improvement in four weeks we’ll take them out for a month and see if that helps.

I will admit that after an initial period of not expecting this to help, I suddenly was sure it would be our ticket out of this struggle. Now, I’m back to feeling like it probably won’t do anything but drive my shopping budget up a couple hundred dollars a month. Honestly right now I’m feeling pretty hopeless.

Speaking of my budget, I know I am a couples weeks deliquent on posting my spending and honestly, I’m not sure when, or even if, it’s going to happen. The reality is I’m in a pretty negative head space about it (that and a lot of things) and it’s becoming a source of personal resentment, not inspiration or accountability. So I’m just tabling it until I’m out of this headspace. I know it was helpful for a lot of reasons–and I still want and need to focus on my spending to improve our financial situation–but I’m kind of done putting my spending on display to be judged. It’s not that anyone said anything that upset me, it’s just a lot of pressure to put up every transaction I make. I think it was causing me undue stress and I either have to stop doing it or enter a different mindset about it.

So yeah, I’m struggling. With a lot of things. I knew the transition back to school would be hard for all of us but I did not anticipate it being this hard. And I’m not comfortable really going into how deep or dark this hole is right now. The one thing I do know is I’ll climb out. I always do. My dark times are cyclical and I always cycle lowest at the start of a new school year which is a very stressful, uncertain time. Add in my daughter’s stress and it’s no surprise I’m feeling this way. I just need to trudge through and eventually I’ll find myself on the other side. In the meantime a lot of reading and TV watching will happen in place of writing, because I’ve learned that writing doesn’t help me out of this kind of space, it mostly leads to me posting something I later regret.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I’ll regret this.

Life/Parenting & Family

Home

Posted on by noemikjames / 21 Comments

I can’t remember the last time I was this excited to bathed and ready to fall into my newly made bed, alone. No one else in the room, not even my husband. Oh the sweet, luscious sleep I expect to get. I can’t wait to share this night with no one.

We made it home today. Well, the kids and I did. We woke up early, got the car packed and were driving north by 7:30am. We only stopped once for me to pee (holy shit did I need to pee–it was an EPIC pee) and despite a considerable traffic jam due to one lane of the two lane highway being closed (this was right when I REALLY needed to pee), we made it home in record time (six hours). I was very pleased. We seriously rocked it.

The afternoon ended up being unexpectedly hectic when I was informed that my daughter’s doctor neglected to sign the box that said my daughter didn’t need to be tested for TB and that without a signature in that specific spot (there were signature’s elsewhere on the page but apparently they were worth nothing) my daughter would not be able to attend her first day of Kindergarten on Monday. Luckily I was told this at 3:30 and the doctor’s office closed at 4:30 so I had an hour to get us home on the bike, transfer us back into the car (which still was not unpacked) and get us to the doctor’s office with ten minutes to spare. Thank god it didn’t matter which doctor signed the very important TB box because our doctor was not there that day. And even more luckily the school’s office will be open tomorrow during the back-to-school picnic so I don’t have to stand in some horrendous line on Monday so my daughter will be allowed into class on her first day of school.

Let’s just hope the secretary takes the stupid paper tomorrow like she assured me she would as long as there was A DOCTOR’S signature in that box.

{Side question: Am I the only one who would actually go to the doctor’s office and not just forge the signature at home? My mom thought I was crazy for going back to the doctor’s office; she thought I should have just copied the signature that was elsewhere on the page on that specific line. I was too worried the secretary wouldn recognize it was a bullshit signature and refuse to accept it and my poor daughter wouldn’t get to go to her first day of school. This coming from a girl who just started high school forging her mom’s signature so they wouldn’t have a real copy of it on file.}

By the time we got back from the doctor’s office with the golden signature it was almost time for me to leave for the after care orientation meeting. My parents were kind enough to come up and watch the kids for an hour so I wouldn’t have to bring them with me. I somehow managed to get dinner ready and both of them bathed in the half hour before they showed up. I made it to the meeting, took meticulous notes, asked a few questions, chatted with a few moms, came home, ate dinner, put my daughter to bed, worked out, showered (oh my god it had been sooooo many days since I’d showered and it felt soooooo good), changed my bedsheets, grabbed my computer and got into bed to write this post. All in all it was a productive day to end our week long trip (you’ll notice I stopped using the word vacation).

I’m happy to say that the second half of the trip was much better than the first. My son eventually felt better (though his hellacious cough lingers), I got to spend some evenings with friends instead of alone, on my phone, in a dark room while my kids slept. We had a great beach day in LA and got to see the Endeavor Space Shuttle at the California Science Museum (I was totally geeking out about that). In the end, I dare say, I was glad we went (though I still don’t plan to go again next year).

And now we have two days until my daughter starts Kindergarten. She also has her first loose tooth. She is growing up… and away.

Monday morning is going to be tough. Such a huge transition for both of us. I was realizing that it will be the first morning I’ve had to wake up early for my daughter’s obligation and not my own. I am technically still on summer break until Wednesday, but my daughter’s district starts Monday so we’ll be up at 6:15am to make sure we get there on time without anyone feeling stressed or rushed (her school has an early–7:50am–start time and my daughter is sloooooow to get moving in the morning). Evidently traffic is a shit show, especially the first week, so we’ll be taking the bike. I’m glad we have it as an option.

We don’t have much planned these last 48 hours of summer, and I’m glad for that. I would definitely not recommend being away for the week before your oldest kid starts school. Coming home to packets of papers to fill out–and having missed orientation–is not ideal. Plus the whole missing signature fiasco would have been a lot less stressful if I had a few days to figure it out. I have plenty to do in the next few days to get us both ready for her big day–and big week. I really hope she’s happy at her school.

And with that I’m going to sign off. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Uncategorized

Waivering

Posted on by noemikjames / 28 Comments

{I started writing this on Sunday morning, before I wrote my last post. My son still isn’t doing well–I think he has croup–but we haven’t decided to high tail it home yet. We currently have one night booked at a Motel 6 in LA and we’ll reassess tomorrow when we see how everyone feels. My guess is we’ll be heading home Wednesday morning instead of Friday. Anyway, this post is about a totally different topic, something else (besides my sick son) that has been keeping me up at night.}

I’m sitting in the car, typing this on my phone. My son is sleeping in his seat. It’s hours before his nap but he’s clearly not feeling well and I can hear him trying to breath through his congested nose (so sad sounding) so I’m letting him sleep even though it means he might not nap later on. Honestly I thought he’d be up by now. Maybe I should wake him up. But he might not nap later even if I wake him up now… Ah! I hate when I don’t know what to do, when I can’t see into the future so I need to make a choice based on what I know, and what past experience suggests might happen later. (Although that never seems to be what actually happens later, does it?) Man, sometimes it seems we spend the majority of this parenting gig making decisions based on incomplete information, hoping we’re doing what’s best for our children. 

Did I mention that I hate not knowing what to choose?

That, is actually, what this whole post is about. 

I’m stressing out about the diet stuff with my kids. I go back and forth, constantly wavering. My thinking goes something like this: I’ll do the no-additives diet, that is the least restrictive one, it will just require I plan better and spend more money. But how will I explain it to the grandparents? What if they think it’s a hoax? What if they don’t even try to follow it? What if they do but mess up? What if she eats other food at school? How can I even manage this, the supposedly simple one? Maybe I should do GFCF too? Maybe start it later? But that will be even harder. That will be impossible. And what about supplements. But they cost so much. All of this will cost so much.  But what if it makes the difference? But what if it doesn’t? 

It all costs so much, in time, in money, in inconvenience. I don’t want to be “that family,” the one who has to bring their own food to everything because their kids can’t eat what everyone else can. Already, traveling while trying to keep my son on goat’s milk has been frustrating. I’ve had to be “that mom,”–driving three times farther than the nearest grocery to get the weird stuff–and I don’t even know if it’s helping. 

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the right choice is. My husband thinks the no-additives diet is dubious. Is it scientifically proven? Well, no, you can’t have double blind studies that determine the efficacy of these kinds of diets. Obviously the parents that are feeding their kids certain foods know which group they are in, and there is no way to ensure that the elimination diet group actually eliminates the restricted foods. It’s really hard to test in the way other things are tested. 

The no-additives diet (and the GFCF diet) are not specifically associated with SPD, but there has been (anecdotal–as far as “science” is concerned) evidence that the no-additives diet benefits some kids with behavioral issues and the GFCF diet helps some kids with autism (which is closely associated with SPD) and ADHD (which is also closely associated with SPD because the diagnosis criteria is almost identical in some cases (like my daughter’s).

Some kids. Closely associated. The reasoning seems so tenuous. If my daughter were “more” of what is concerning–if her behavior issues were more disruptive or her (suspected, though it may be her SPD, or a combination of both) ADHD were more debilitating, I think I would know what to do. As it is, I’m not sure. Things have been a bit better since we started the daily dose of Claritin. Maybe I should wait until school starts and see how things go. 

I just don’t know what to do, and I HATE not knowing what to do. I hate not knowing what course to take. Maybe it will help. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I won’t recognize either way (this is probably what I’m most afraid of). All I know is we, as a family, are not happy. We want something to change, and I don’t know how else to make that change (maybe) happen. 

So many maybes. So many tenuous connections. So little support. I just sit awake at night, unsure what to do. I read articles and books–in the end all anecdotal evidence, promises of what might happen, but assurances of nothing–and I build my house of cards. If I choose to go down the road of pseudo-recognized elimination diets, how will I keep such a flimsy structure standing when the winds of ignorance, derision, and criticism blow so forefully. Do I want to live in that precariously built house of cards? Constantly rebuilding what is broken?Can I manage being that family?

Why does all of this have to be so hard? I just wish someone would tell me what to do. 

How do you make hard decisions with no clear, assured outcomes? 

Uncategorized

Two Thoughts

Posted on by noemikjames / 28 Comments

We’re three days into our vacation. 

There are two thoughts that circle, like vultures. “I’m so glad we didn’t attempt this last year.” “We’re definitely not coming again next year.” 

We’ve shortened our reservation in LA. I expect we’ll be home by Thursday. 

It doesn’t help that my son is really sick, but that isn’t even the issue. 

I used to be a really enthusiastic person. I got excited for things. I looked forward to them. It was one of the best parts of myself. 

Since having kids I’ve stopped looking forward to things. I’ve stopped getting excited. It’s for the best, because it means I don’t get disappointed anymore. No more high highs and no more low lows. Just a real steady apathy about most things. 

I forget why we came here. Probably because we (let’s face it, *I*) felt left behind, watching everyone go places on FB, feeing like we were the only ones staying at home. It always seems like a good idea when you’re planning it. Sun, sand, swimming: things we can’t get at home. But what we have to sacrifice for those things–security, schedule, our sanity–it’s a wash in the end. It’s not really being worth the time and money it costs to go, not when you factor in the stress involved.

One week until school starts. These are our last days of summer. 

Health & Well Being/Life/Sensory Processing Disorder

What the Bike has Taught Me

Posted on by noemikjames / 12 Comments

I’ve been wanting to write about the bike, about what I love (and don’t love) about it. I’ve wanted to write about how much I’m using it and whether I think I’ll use it in the future. I’ve wanted to create a list of the pros and cons of getting around this way. I’ve wanted to outline the (endless) dialogue in my head about whether or not a cargo bike is a sound investment for our family. There is so much I’ve wanted to say about the bike, but in the end, other posts always hijack my interest and I write about those.

And that is exactly what is happening today. Well, almost.

You see one thing I’ve wanted to write about the bike is what riding it (with one kid up front and one behind) has taught me.

The first thing it taught me is that I’m capable and strong. I can haul those two kids–all 70+ lbs of them, along with their heavy ass seats–up some pretty unforgiving hills. I can push my legs until they burn like fire and then I can push them some more. I can maintain forward momentum even when my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest and my lungs are screaming for air.

I am capable and I am strong. I can do almost anything. Almost.

The second thing I learned is there are some hills I just can’t climb, not with 70+lbs of kid weighing me down. I learned this the hard way, when I chose to avoid a longer, more gradual incline by attempting a shorter hill with a sharper grade. Even when switchbacking across the road I couldn’t maintain the required momentum. This was the first time I tipped the bike with the kids on it.

{Spoiler alert, we were a little shaken, but fine.}

I have always been the kind of person who prefers the shorter, harder ascent to the more gradual and forgiving, but ultimately longer route. If I’m hauling stuff I’ll take three things that I can barely carry to save myself a second trip. If I can hike up the steep, shorter hill to avoid the longer way around, I’ll do it. I’ve never been a slow and steady wins the race kind of girl. I’ve always wanted to get there, and get there fast.

It was a rude awakening, that day on the bike, when I realized I couldn’t do it. I was furious with myself for making such a stupid mistake and putting my kids at risk. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I learned it. I have never attempted a steep grade again; I’m learning the round-about ways I need to get somewhere so I can avoid the hills I can’t climb.

Ultimately I was kind of glad I tipped the bike. I had been so terrified of it happening, to know it wasn’t actually that bad was a relief. I’ve tipped it once more since then (I’m really not sure why it happened the second time) and it was even less upsetting than the first. You can actually get better at tipping a bike with two kids on it. You can get up and you can keep riding–that was the third thing I learned.

I’m doing a lot of research about sensory processing disorder and how diet can affect kids with behavior difficulties. There are changes I want to make, but they feel overwhelming, especially when I consider doing them all at once. But then I remember, I probably couldn’t tackle them all simultaneously. I probably would fail in my attempt, spectacularly.

Of course, I don’t need to attempt the shorter, steeper hill, I can opt for the longer, more gradual incline. It may take a whole lot longer, but I’ll get there in the end. That’s really all that matters.

So I’m starting slow, reading books and articles, taking notes, brainstorming solutions, considering possibilities, evolving a plan. All the while the bike reminds me: I’m capable and strong; there is a longer, slower, safer way; and I can always get back up again if I fall.

Do you like to take the shorter, harder route? Or do you prefer the longer, more forgiving option?

Financial Security

Worth It, Reasonable and The Whole Picture

Posted on by noemikjames / 22 Comments

I wrote before about how many past purchases have been made with the hope or expectation that an item could Make It Better. I have bought many a thing because I believed it could solve a problem or improve a challenging situation. Making It Better is probably one of my biggest spending motivations.

But it’s not the only one. I have bought a lot of things in my life because they felt Worth It, as in the product provided me with enough of something good (ease, pleasure, convenience) to validate how much I spent on it. Sure I might not need a new {insert shiny specimen here} but I sure would use it a lot, and frankly that was all that mattered.

I also bought a lot of shit because I wanted it, and the price seemed Reasonable. Hey, I would wear a new pair of shoes if I owned them and at 50% off that price sure is Reasonable. Why not buy the shoes when I’m clearly getting a good deal?

I bought a LOT of shit in my life because it would be Worth It or Reasonable. For almost my entire life I’ve judged the merit of a purchase on whether or not I used the item enough to justify how much I spent. If I used something regularly, even if I didn’t need it, it was absolutely worth what I paid for it. Necessity was never a part of the equation. (If that isn’t a symptom of financial privilege, I don’t know what is.)

Lately I’ve been asking myself (and all of you) all sorts of questions about whether or not I should be spending money on something. I’m realizing that Worth It and Reasonable are not applicable anymore. I need a new measure.

Nicoleandmaggie had an insightful comment on my last post, which echoed the sentiments of a comment they left on Ana’s post last week (and was expanded upon in a post put up yesterday). In the end, the answer to the question, Should I spend? is never justified (at least not absolutely) by whether or not something can be deemed “worth it” or “reasonable” or “deserved,” (another qualifier that has green-lit spending for me in the past); in the end all that matters (at least initially) is whether you can afford it. Taking into account all your financial obligations–past, present, and future–can you buy that thing without borrowing from someone else (or your future self)? If the answer is no, then it doesn’t matter if it’s Worth It or Reasonable or Deserved. What matters is The Whole Picture.

It’s amazing how long it took for this to sink into my thick, spendy skull. I would like to say it’s because my spending freeze was not anchored in a working budget, but I tried to follow a budget for months earlier this year and I still didn’t figure this out. It quite literally took me half of 2015 to connect these dots, to put these pieces together (and I only managed it because others kept showing it to me, over and over again).

{Another reason I think it took me so long to figure this out is because I was raised believing that I’d always have enough, that I didn’t have to take The Whole Picture into account because The Whole Picture was just fine, thankyouverymuch, so I skipped that part and went straight to my metrics of Worth It and Reasonable. Yet another unabashed example of my financial privilege.}

When I said I wasn’t sure how to handle purchases that I believe would be therapeutically beneficial for my daughter, I was trying to apply my old standards of Worth It and Reasonable to the spending freeze, a situation that stripped them of their faculty. I was trying to apply them to a situation in which they quite literally no longer applied. In the end it doesn’t matter how Worth It or Reasonable an item may be, in the end, all that matters is if we can afford it.

Perhaps it makes sense that I didn’t see this, given that my spending freeze has not involved a specific budget of any kind. The spending freeze was, in fact, a pre-budgetary exercise which was supposed to help me create a  budget I could confidently follow. Maybe if I had a budget in place I would have figured it all sooner. In the absence of a budget I floundered, throwing around Reasonable And Worth It in contexts where they absolutely didn’t apply.

Now I (finally!) understand what I need to do. I (finally!) understand that I need to look at The Whole Picture. I (finally!) understand that only in the context of “what we have,” can I answer the question “Can we buy it?”

This is a big step, having this understanding. Unfortunately I’m still a few months away from really knowing Where We Are financially so that I can answer Can we buy it? And double unfortunately, my husband has to take some important and time consuming steps before I can paint an informed picture of Where We Are. But that’s okay. In the meantime, I finally understand that I can’t answer the question of Can we buy it? So if it’s a significant enough question, then the answer is unequivocally, No, we Can’t, until I have The Whole Picture, and can be sure.

It’s amazing how much clarity this brings me, as I throw out my old metrics and start applying (or preparing to) the new. I am now more motivated than ever to create a budget that BOTH my husband and I can follow, so that we can responsibly determine what kind of life is available to us right now, in this city, under our current circumstances. Now if only I can get my husband to actually start using the joint accounts we opened, I’ll be set.

What metrics help you determine if you can buy something? Have you even fallen back on Worth It or Reasonable?

Financial Security/Life/Minimalism

Restriction vs. Intention

Posted on by noemikjames / 15 Comments

It can feel sometimes (okay, A LOT of the time) like pretty much everything in my life is restricted. We’re in the worst drought in California history, so we’re restricting our water usage (I take this very seriously and it has absolutely changed the way we do everything that requires water). I’m restriction my spending. I’m restriction my calorie consuption. I’m restricting how much we own (or trying to). And as a mother, my time feels constantly restricted by the day-to-day needs of my family. Pretty much every aspect of my life right now feels restricted.

It can really get me down.

But I’m trying not to let it. I’m trying to reframe it from restriction (which feels, well, restrictive) to intention (which feels, well, intentional). Restriction is about what I can’t do. Intention is about what I’m trying to do.

It helps that all these intentions are working in concert. Making more intentional choices about the food I buy helps me save money and eat fewer calories. Making more intentional decisions about purchases helps me keep new things out of our house. They are all tied together. Each intention supports the next, infusing my life with… intention.

Intention is a good thing. Intention is a wonderful thing. So many of my choices were driven by habit or distraction, it feels good to make choices with purpose.

And it’s starting to get easier. Especially when I’m able to see these choices not as self-imposed restrictions, but as personally important intendments. That is when I feel good about not getting the pretzel at the zoo (I’ve been going to the zoo a lot lately), instead of feeling like I’m missing out. Now if I can keep feeling like all these little choices are intentional, and not restrictive, I just might make it out of this spending freeze without losing my mind.

Is there anything in your life that feel “restrictive” right now? Could it be reframed as “intentional”?