Identity

Professional Fulfillment (or a Lack Thereof)

Posted on by noemikjames / 14 Comments

This fall I will start my twelfth year teaching (how can that be how you spell twelfth?!) I’m only 35, which means I’ve been at the same school, teaching the same thing, for almost the entirety of my adult life.

To say I feel a lot of ambivalence about that would be a grave understatement.

My thoughts on my job/career/profession are all over the place. It’s impossible to pin them down. Frankly, I’m surprised I’m attempting a post about this subject because I really have no idea how I feel about it. Maybe this is a desperate attempt to shape these chaotic thoughts into some kind of meaningful narrative, because right now they just bounce and spin, relentlessly.

There are some days when my job seems perfect. I love what I teach. I love the freedom I have to teach it in whatever way I see fit. I love my staff and my administration; generally I feel appreciated and supported. I like my hours–starting early and ending early is good for productivity. I enjoy my vacations and summers off. I recognize the pay is pretty good (finally, after 12 years and a Masters degree) and that if I keep at it I can retire with full benefits at 55. I like that one of my classes has changed over the years so that I usually have something new to keep my interested–I definitely would have gotten bored teaching the same thing for 12 years without that wild card class.

Then there are some days when my job seems… less than perfect, and I contemplate leaving. Most of the time leaving looks like moving up to high school, but sometimes I consider abandoning the profession completely. Either way I recognize that it doesn’t make sense for me to make a big change now, while family life is so exhausting. Maybe in a couple of years I’ll seriously consider seeking something new.

And yet there are days when the temptation of better pay or a more stimulating day have me dreaming branching out sooner. I did some contract work for a student’s father this spring and it was the perfect balance of novel and interesting, good pay and easy to accommodate, time wise. I would love to work 10-30 hours a month (on top of my full time job) doing something that felt worth my while both mentally and financially (and could be done after the kids go to bed).

Last month one of the blogs I subscribe to promoted a writing course that her friend was offering. It was all about becoming a marketable online writer (the title was something like, Make Money Writing for Blogs!). If it weren’t for my spending freeze there is a good chance I would have invested a hefty chunk of change in the pipe dream of getting paid to write. Luckily the spending freeze helped me take a step back and with that distance I was able to recognize that I don’t actually want to make money writing for blogs (if I even thought there were decent money to make doing that). What I actually want is to be successful at something, especially if I could be successful in ways that other people recognize. What I really wanted was to be the woman giving the “class” on getting paid to write blogs, to be able to say, “I kick ass at this, I can help you kick ass too.”

I was proud of myself for realizing that I don’t want to write to make extra cash, so I spent a little time thinking of what I would be interested in doing. Writing curriculum has always interested me; one of my favorite parts of my job is creating stories, activities and worksheets for my Spanish classes. I did a little job search and found a Spanish Curriculum Designer position on the peninsula, closer to me than my current school district. I had everything they required and almost all of what they wanted. It was a full-time position but I applied anyway. Maybe they would hire me part time, even for just a few months, while they found someone who could come in full time. It all just seemed too perfect not to give it a try.

Of course they never called. I was kind of shocked, stunned almost. I was perfect for that job, how could they not even call me? It was a sobering wake up call that made me simultaneously more grateful for the job I have (and that I don’t have to find something new) and resigned to the fact that I’ll never be able to leave it, even if I wanted to.

Not getting a call for that job reminded me of the dozens of online Community/Junior College positions I applied for after I got my Masters. It was clear I was never going to get a job like that, and I still believe that I couldn’t. Maybe I could land a position at a nearby CC/JC (when the hiring pool is not nation-wide), but I doubt that will happen if I don’t have experience teaching high school aged kids. It seems clear that I need to get a secondary level position before I can ever work at a community college, so even the possibility of that is a long way off.

And yet my friend just got a position teaching at the College of Notre Dame’s teacher training program (that she’ll teach after the regular school day) and she’s never taught higher than middle school. She also has this amazing fellowship position this summer. Watching her do all these incredibly interesting and fulfilling things professionally (when she’s taught half as many years as I have) makes me realize how stagnant my professional life has been. Right when I should have been changing things up I had kids and everything came to a screeching halt.

Blerg. I just don’t know. About any of it.

{See, I told you this post would be all over the place.}

I guess the abbreviated version is that I like my job, except when I’m sick of it. I’d love to make some extra money and stretch myself creatively (or at least do something different) a few hours a week, but there aren’t many options that can be done after the kids go to bed. I am interested in teaching at the junior college level but don’t think I can get that kind of position without experience teaching high school (and am worried I might not even like it, once I get to that level). Basically I don’t know how much faith I have that I’ll like teaching any other age level enough to make it worth changing jobs. I’m as terrified to leave and find another position unsatisfying as I am horrified at the prospect of staying in the exact same position at the exact same school for the entirety of my career.

Much of the time I wonder, is this is? Am I ever going to do anything that feels really and truly meaningful to me? Am I ever going to accomplish something that makes me proud? Will I ever be a person that is recognized for what she does, even in some small way? Or will I spend my life teaching the same thing to different kids year after year after year, until I retire into the same obscurity of teaching? Most likely my life will look like the latter. And I guess I just have to learn to be okay with that.

How do you feel about your life, professionally? Can you articulate your professional goals? Have you met them? Do you expect to meet them? Do you find fulfillment in what you do?

Life/Marriage

Just What We Needed

Posted on by noemikjames / 23 Comments

This weekend was awesome. It was just what we needed. My husband and I had an amazing time. Not one frustrated word was exchanged, not one angry minute was passed. It was pure bliss. I am so thankful that we were able to spend three days away from the kids, reconnecting with each other.

On the drive down to my parents’ house on Monday I asked my husband if he thought we could keep this rekindled connection going when things got crazy again. He believes we can, and I think he recognizes that it’s worth putting in a little work to do it. I don’t think he realized how bad it had gotten, but after three days of really enjoying each other, he sees how much distance had accumulated between us.

The plan is to spend at least ten minutes every evening snuggling on the couch (my request) and talking about non-kid/parenting related topics (his request). I said I’d try to initiate these moments, but that I’d appreciate his support if he noticed I seemed distant or frazzled and wasn’t starting things myself. He agreed. We start tomorrow, which is his birthday.

The weekend really was wonderful. It was low key, but fun. On Saturday morning we slept in. Lounging in bed it one of my favorite things about being away from the kids–I could spend an entire day in bed and never get bored. We had a reservation for brunch at 11am so we did eventually have to get up. We took BART and then walked to North Beach from downtown. It was a beautiful day and we played tourist after we ate. We even hiked up to Coit Tower to enjoy the view of the many sailboats on the bay.

We had a lot of time to kill before dinner so we took our time meandering in the general direction of Japantown. When we finally arrived we were thrilled to discover the annual Anime and Cosplay festival taking place. The people watching was amazing. We hung out in Japantown for hours, just checking out everyone’s costumes and drinking iced sweet potato lattes. We did a little window shopping and then headed to the Kabuki theater to see Trainwreck.

The Kabuki has 21+ showings where drinks are sold so we got a couple 20 ozs of white ale and settled in for the movie, which we both really liked. It was the perfect combination of romantic and comedy for us and Amy Schumer and Bill Hader were fantastic.

After the movie we went to the restaurant for dinner. We had an hour to kill so we got some drinks at the bar. This restaurant has a fixed price per person and then you choose six things from a list of 12-15 and they bring enough of each dish for the people at the table. Each dish we tried was more exquisite than the one before. The cocktails were also amazing. We enjoyed ourselves immensely–I understand now why it’s so hard to get a reservation at this place.

After dinner we headed home, watched some TV and “went to bed.” It was a lot of fun. 😉

Sunday we met my sister and her boyfriend for brunch, spent the afternoon lounging on the couch (it was hot and humid in the city that day and we didn’t want to walk around) and then met some friends for dinner. Sunday’s dinner was as exquisite as Saturday’s–each dish was more interesting than the one before. After we ate we walked to our favorite neighborhood bar and near midnight we caught the bus home.

Months ago, when it was clear we couldn’t afford to go anywhere during our weekend without the kids, I thought long and hard about what I really love about being away for a few days. For one, a big part of going away is showing up at a clean hotel room and not having to worry about cooking or cleaning while I’m there. The house was all cleaned up from our party Friday and my husband made enough reservations that we didn’t have to eat at home, so we were able to enjoy that aspect of “being away” this weekend. Another thing I love about getting out of San Francisco is the feeling of escaping all the issues back at home. If I’m not at my house, the daily troubles don’t touch me. I tried really hard to get into that mindset this weekend, and I didn’t let myself dwell on some of the stuff coming up. I didn’t even do one load of laundry.

There were also some pluses to staying put while our kids were away–we were able to spend time with friends in ways that require a lot of planning when our kids are around. It was so nice to have brunch and dinner with other adults the second day; adding their voices to the conversation enlivened it and helped us to not get bored with one another. It also allowed us to try way more food on Sunday night.

The house was in immaculate condition this weekend and I realized that when it’s that clean I not only feel less stressed and more positive, but I genuinely enjoy and actually kind of love where we live. When our house is really clean it feels big and spacious and airy. It looks really nice. I think the kinds of things about it that I think about other people’s houses, houses that generally seem bigger and nicer and more expensive than mine. Realizing that I can feel that way about my own home was an eye opener. Now I just need to figure out how to keep it in good shape more of the time.

So the weekend was everything I needed it to be. I feel refreshed and rejuvenated for the last half of summer. I also find myself thinking more and more about the coming school year, both my own and my daughter’s. I definitely turned the corner this weekend and left the “summer has begun” mentality and entered the “summer is ending” mentality. Luckily I’m feeling, for the most part, enthusiastic and positive about the fall. I’m eager to start planning for some of my classes. I hope to visit school in the next few weeks, meet our new principal, check out my schedule, and get started ordering supplies (the PTA reimburses us for a certain amount of spending that can start in August, so I will be buying some stuff for work during my “ban” but all of it will be reimbursed once the school year starts). I’m glad we still have four weeks before school starts, but I’m ready to start thinking about it now.

I really hope my husband and I can maintain our reestablished connection. It would so help us get through the huge transitions that lay ahead.

Life/Marriage

35

Posted on by noemikjames / 26 Comments

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 35.

I spent the morning packing up my kids for the weekend at my parents. I spent my first hour without them getting a massage (it was heaven). Then I got a birthday present for my husband (his special day is Tuesday) and high tailed it to my house to engage in four hours of intense cleaning. I was barely showered and had not yet applied make-up when our first guests arrived.

Only four people came. I invited ten. A couple never RSVPed. A couple had sent their regrets. A couple canceled last minute. It was fun–my husband made incredible cocktails and the conversation was interesting–but I felt self conscious about how few people were there. I have confused feelings on this, because I specifically invited only closer friends, wanting the affair to be more intimate, but then I was sad when it ended up being very small and intimate. I’m still trying to figure it all out.

Please don’t think I spent the whole night sulking, because I did have a lot of fun. The best part was enjoying my husband with my friends. It was so wonderful to see him through their eyes, to be reminded of what a smart, warm, hilarious individual he is. It’s not that I don’t see that for myself, but there are so many other feelings layered on top of that view of him. It’s nice to look through my friends’ lenses and see what they see. He really is an amazing man.

It’s a good way to start the weekend with him, and I’m glad I had the party for no other reason than that. Remembering what “us” felt like before we bought a house and struggled to have kids and starting worrying about saving for the future–I needed that reminder and I appreciate it very much.

{The friend stuff I’ll have to untangle on a different day.}

But now I have to get ready for brunch. Then it’s walking around the city before an afternoon showing of Trainwreck (at a theater that sells drinks–woot!) and then on to a very swanky new restaurant that is really hard to get into (not sure how my husband did it). Tomorrow is much of the same, but we’re sharing our meals with my sister (my husband’s idea–so sweet) and hopefully some friends.

On Monday we plan on opening our joint accounts before we pick up the kids.

I think it’s going to be a good weekend.

{My budget post might not get up this weekend, but I’ll put it up early next week. I am still engaged in my spending freeze (with the exception of one present for my husband), but am finding the writing down of everything more and more tedious. I know I have to keep doing it–I recognize what a valuable and necessary exercise it is, especially as I embark on a savings budget in the coming months–but I’ve been feeling petulant about this past week so I’m a bit behind. I will catch up and post soon.}

{{And I know I’m also behind on responding to comments. This will probably not happen until early next week too–sorry or the delay!}}

Parenting & Family

Grasping at Straws

Posted on by noemikjames / 44 Comments

Things at home have been…challenging.

I don’t really feel comfortable writing about my daughter anymore. I wish I did, because I have SO MUCH to say. But I don’t, and a great many things will be left unsaid.

My son is becoming more and more a “big boy” every day. He can communicate most of his wants and needs with words now. We’re managing some hitting and a considerable amount of grabbing and frequent aggressive body stuff, but nothing out of the ordinary. He has meltdowns and tantrums, but they are manageable.

Watching him become a toddler lets me see what typical little kid behavior looks like. I am ever more aware of the ways in which things were not typical with our daughter.

We haven’t gotten an official report from the OT yet, but between what she said at the end of the assessment and what our PCIT therapist has mentioned (and the dots I’m connecting at home), I’m assuming my daughter is going to get some kind of sensory processing disorder (SPD) diagnosis.

I’ve been doing a little research on SPD. There is A LOT out there (thank you internet for NEVER running out of material on any subject, ever!). It’s overwhelming. As always seems to be the case, I don’t feel like I’ll ever really belong in the SPD community. These parents have it HARD, while I have it Hard (and parents of typical kids have it hard). Sure my daughter’s behavior is challenging and it absolutely disrupts her daily functioning, but it doesn’t derail her life in the way it seems to for so many of these kids and their families.

{I feel a lot like I did when I was struggling to conceive. My one ectopic and our prolonged, but relatively easy path to pregnancy, left me feeling like I didn’t belong with the fertiles or infertiles. I feel isolated and alone now like I did then.}

As much as I recognize our daughter’s challenges could be so much more debilitating, I’m also aware of how much we are struggling. Both of us. All of us. I’m feeling less able to handle the situation than I ever have before. I feel more hopeless and overwhelmed that I know how to articulate.

I think I always knew my daughter was a different than her peers, but when your kid is two or three or four the range of behaviors that are considered “normal” is wide. While I suspected that there was something more at play, a part of me hoped (desperately) that she’d just grow out of it. That’s what kids do, right? They grow out it.

It’s clear now, with our challenges intensifying every day, that my daughter is not going to “grow out” of any of this. She is who she is and she’s not going to wake up one day and magically be someone different. (I think I actually believed that was going to happen.) Her fifth birthday was the threshold for me–it’s when I realized that we needed to stop waiting and to start doing.

And we did, but professional intervention progresses slowly. We aren’t going to be making significant gains this summer, which is hard to accept, because I know the transition to Kindergarten is going to be brutal. I was hoping we’d make a little headway before we arrived at that massive milestone.

Perhaps it’s the slow progress of the therapy and assessments. Perhaps it’s realizing my daughter will never “grow out” of this. Perhaps it’s the looming overwhelm that is Kindergarten. Perhaps it’s a combination of the three. Whatever it is, I’m contemplating a change I’ve never seriously considered before, because it’s implementation seemed absolutely impossible.

I’m considering putting my daughter on a Gluten-Free/Casein (Dairy) Free Diet.

I considered doing this before, a number of times, and every time I determined that it just couldn’t happen. There isn’t a single meal my daughter will eat that doesn’t include one of these components. Most include both. We’re already concerned about her lack of weight gain and how skinny she is–tampering with her already limited list of approved foods seems like suicide.

But what if it helps? What if it makes all the difference? What if we can make the changes and once we do the results are remarkable? What if?

And what if nothing else does?

I brought it up with my husband. He was not happy. He thinks we’re grasping at straws. Angry words were exchanged. Resentful remarks were passed back and forth. No, it didn’t go particularly well. But in the end we decided to give it a try. Our first step will be to attempt to find a GF bread and GF pasta our daughter will eat, and to see if we can start substituting almond milk for cow’s milk in her favorite smoothie (small portions at a time).

The good news is that she already eats such a restrictive range of things, we don’t need an exhaustive array of GFCF recipes at the ready. If we can find a few staples she’ll eat, and properly wean her off gluten and dairy for an entire month, we can determine if we think it makes a difference. If we’re not sure, we will be when we start adding them back in.

Of course I just to Costco and bought a bagillion dollars worth of bread and pasta and dairy products. Blerg.

But after the weekend with my parents we’ll be introducing a few new items and seeing how it goes. My husband is open to trying this as long as it doesn’t cause our daughter stress. We will not be forcing her to eat something she isn’t interested in eating (like we could ever force her anyway). I’m sure incentives will be employed. I’m hoping we can find a few thing she’ll eat and actually be able to keep her gluten and dairy free long enough to determine if it has an affect on her behavior.

The reality is, this will be as hard for me as it is for her. It’s going to require I make a lot more food from scratch, separate shopping trips and not keeping food I love in the house (lest our daughter want to eat it). While my husband and I don’t have to follow a GFCF diet, we will be when we eat with our kids. (And we have followed much stricter diets before, so we know what how hard it can be.)

So that is where I am right now, staring down a path I’ve wanted desperately to avoid, only willing to venture down it because the alternative is even more terrifying.

What are your thoughts on elimination diets? Have you ever been on, or introduced to someone else, an elimination diet? Any tips or words or wisdom are welcome.

Financial Security

My (Not-)Spending Strengths

Posted on by noemikjames / 21 Comments

I have a lot of spending weaknesses: books, clothes, toys, eating out. It’s easy to focus on all the ways I’m shit at spending money, and forget that there are lots of ways I’m good at saving. Here are just a few of the things I DON’T have to cut back on, spending wise, because I already don’t spend money in these areas.

– Cosmetics. I don’t wear make-up, except when I go out (very rarely) so the mascara and eye-liner and blush and lip stick I own last a LONG time (like years long, I know, that’s gross). I basically don’t spend money on make-up, ever.

– Hair and skin care. I use baking soda and vinegar to wash my hair. I buy a three-pack of Oil of Olay Shea butter and a two-pack of Cetaphil from Costco one a year to wash my body and face. That’s also where I get my six-pack of Dove deodorant. I buy the same face lotions (one for day with SPF and one for night without) every time, and only when they run out. My friend cuts my hair (and my daughter’s) for free, or I get a $15 cut somewhere when she’s busy. I use the clippers on my husband and my son. My big self-care splurge is a leg wax but I only do that about once a year (usually I use a depilator). I pluck my own eyebrows and I never get manicures or pedicures.

– Jewelry. I don’t buy jewelry anymore. I used to, but it’s been a few years. I wear my wedding ring (which cost less than a grand), a necklace from Tiffany’s, and a watch every day and that is it. I never take them off. I never change them. It may be boring, but it’s cost effective.

Cloth diapers. We cloth diaper our son. I don’t actually think cloth diapers saved me much (any?) money with my first child–they are not cheap!–but already having everything I needed the second time around definitely saved me a significant amount. (Plus I’ll make a little back when I sell my stash.) We were even able to cloth diaper our son at night for 14 months, something I never managed with my daughter. Now we only buy disposable night diapers and everything else is cloth. It creates more laundry for me (and I can’t wait to be done washing diapers) but it saves us money, and it’s good for the earth! Win/win!

– House cleaning. We don’t have someone clean our house. I’d love to, but I’m worried that once I get used to a house cleaner my standards will become higher than I could meet on my own (I’m a HORRIBLE housekeeper, just dreadful).

– Music and movies. I used to spend a ton on music and movies (oh my god, why did I buy so many DVDs?!) but I don’t anymore (it’s been maybe four years since I bought a CD or DVD). I probably see 3-4 movies on the big screen a year. I used to take my daughter to pretty much every new kids’ movie that came out, but we’re realizing she can’t handle the sensory input of a big screen (and big speakers) so we’re imposing a moratorium on that as well. At home we watch what’s on Netflix or Hulu (we don’t have cable) and I find those subscriptions to be very reasonable.

– Vacations. We don’t take vacations, at least not the kind where you pay to stay. We see my extended family every year or two in St. Louis, but my parents help us pay for that airfare (because they know we can’t afford it and wouldn’t go otherwise). I took my daughter to Disneyland for two days (we drove) last year. We head to San Diego every other year (again, driving) and stay with friends for a long weekend. Sometimes (every 2-3 years?) I’ll see a friend who lives far away. That is the extent of our travel.

– One car. We only have one car. It not only saves us money on the actual car, but on the second insurance policy we don’t need, along with all the oil changes, new tires and other maintenance costs we avoid. Having one car saves us a lot of money. We hope to remain a one-car family forever. (Hence my current cargo-bike infatuation… 😉

– Public schools. We’ll be sending our kids to public schools and that is going to save us a pretty penny (that we don’t actually have to send our kids to private school, so the choice was an easy one). I can’t wait until they are both in public schools. Four (maybe three!) years and counting…

– Tenant. We have a tenant whose rent helps us pay our mortgage. We could not have afforded this house without that added income. It’s been a great way for us to afford a house in a very expensive city.

So there are some ways we excel at saving money. It’s not much, but it’s worth mentioning, especially when I’m picking apart every little mistake I make in the spending department. Sometimes it’s nice to shine a light on what we’re doing right.

What are some ways you excel at saving money?

Financial Security

My First Savings Plan

Posted on by noemikjames / 17 Comments

I felt like I had to get this out there before I turned 35 because I’d like to be able to say that I started my first savings plan before 35. Sure it might be a matter of days, but it counts!

So this savings plan doesn’t follow the advice of many financial experts, including Suze Orman and Elizabeth Warren (of All Your Worth) in that I’m not building up a $45,000 six-month emergency fund in a savings account before I contribute more toward my retirement (403b). It will take us a LONG time to get to $45,000 and with my job being as secure as it is (and us having some flexibility in times of crises–we could absolutely live with my parents and rent out our home if it got to that), I’m not going to forgo upping my retirement contribution until we hit the magic six-months must-have number (I believe Suze Ormond’s recommendation is actually eight months–there is no way we’re doing that). If you think this is a terrible idea, please let me know.

My tentative plan has two parts:

Part One is to up my retirement contribution from $300 to $600 a month, which means I’ll be seeing (what I’m guessing will be) a $200 reduction in my paycheck. (I also found out that California is upping the monthly STRS contribution by 1.8% which means I won’t even see my first raise–blerg!)

Part Two is to put all of the $5,000 I get withheld in a tax-sheltered 125 childcare account into a savings account at a credit union so that I won’t see it and it will be a pain to move it over.

I believe this will put my annual savings at 18%, which would be amazing. I’m not sure if I’m doing the math right though, so if you could check it for me I’d really appreciate it.

I currently make $4,500 a month after taxes and everything else is taken out (including $300 toward retirement). I’m estimating that once I ask them to take out $600 a month for my 403b my take home pay will look like $4,300 ($100 of that $300 would have been lost to taxes, right?). Part of what is taken out will be $600 a month toward my 403b (basically a teacher’s 410K). Also part of what will be taken out is $454.54 ($5000/11months) that I then reclaim via paperwork from a 125 childcare account. As a teacher I am paid on an 11 month schedule (we don’t work in July so we don’t get paid in July), but I have them withhold part of each month’s check so that I get a paycheck in July. This is why I multiply my salary by 12 but my retirement contribution and childcare account withholdings by 11. Taking all that into consideration, my yearly (gross) income is $63,200:

($4,300 x 12) + ($600 x 11) + ($454.54 x 11) =

$51,600 + $6,600 + $5000 = $63,200

Since both the $6,600 I’d be putting toward retirement and the $5,000 I’d be putting into savings are considered “savings,” the percentage of my yearly income that would be allocated for savings would be $11,600 of the total $63,200 or 18.35%

$11,600 / $63,200 = .183544 = 18.35%

That would be pretty fucking fantastic.

It also won’t be easy. Our childcare is going up $550 a month next year (the childcare my daughter attended, that my son will soon attend, went up $380 a month and my daughter’s after school program will cost $170 a month), so that will be a significant financial change to absorb, along with the loss of $200 a month that will be going toward my retirement. Plus I’ve only been paying my $115 a month life insurance premium for two months, so I’m not really used to budgeting around that either.

Right now I get reimbursed from my 125 account every two months (by choice, I could send in the paper work every month or wait until the end of the year to get it all at once). Sometimes I use that $909 to cover a large VISA bill, sometimes it pays for the homeowners insurance or the car insurance. Sometimes I use it to cover an unexpected home or car repair. At the end of the year it pays for Christmas presents. It is always around when I need to cover something that we hadn’t really budged for. Which means that if I want to put it into savings and not touch it, I DO need to budget for those things. So not only do I need to get used to spending $865 less a month, but I also need to get used to putting even more away for those big bills that come up once or twice a year. (Some quick math suggestions I need to put $200 a month aside to pay the homeowners and auto insurance). So we’re talking about living on approximately $1100 a month less than I’m used to.

That is a really big difference.

I know I don’t need to jump to 18% so quickly (I was only saving 5% before), but the thing is, I think I can. If I watch my spending closely and stick to a budget (I still need to come up with an actual budget), I think I can put that much away. I’m not paying for childcare this summer and I won’t be paying for my son’s childcare in September or most of October either (my inlaws are covering the time before he turns two for us–yes we are incredibly lucky), which means I’ll be saving a significant chunk of change that I can have as a fall back if I can’t stick to this much stricter budget in the first months. I can also access the money in the savings account, it will just require a couple days for the check to clear.

Once we get $45,000 in savings (more on how I want/expect my husband to participate in all this later) we’ll start putting that $5,000 a year (plus more, hopefully) into more high-yield funds and eventually start putting money into 529’s for our children.

I’m going to do more math looking into what I’ll have left to spend on everything after I pay for childcare, pay my parents, pay life insurance premiums and put money aside for annual and bi-annual expenses. I’ll spend these three months before the huge childcare expense for my son comes due practicing staying within that budget so that hopefully I’ll be living within my new means when I actually have to. (And if I’m not, I’ll refine my savings plan accordingly.)

So that is my tentative first savings plan. What are your thoughts?

Uncategorized

Make It Better

Posted on by noemikjames / 23 Comments

There are different reasons I want to buy things. Some things just Look Cool (mostly clothes) and I want them to make me Look Cool. It’s pretty easy to push these wants out of my mind, though some have staying power (ahem, slip on Vans I’ve been coveting). Other things are functional, and I can give you a hundred and one reasons why it would be a Useful Thing (ahem, fan I’m not buying despite stifling heat when I exercise). These are harder to let go of, but I’m learning to make due with what I’ve got (or just endure a little discomfort, gawd forbid). What I’m finding is really hard to walk away from are the Things I Think Will Make It Better. Those things dance in my dreams at night.

The truth is, I think a lot of things will Make It Better An example: My daughter’s Not Wanting To Wear Shoes Kindof-A-Thing is becoming a The Great Shoe Strike of 2015. She never wants to wear shoes. She wants to be barefoot all the time, including the times when she’s walking in areas where there could be (ie probably is, because this is San Francisco) glass or nails or dog shit or other undesirable surprises. She wants to go barefoot ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It’s a constant negotiation, that eventually becomes an argument that inevitably leads to a meltdown. Every. Single. Time. It’s starting to wear on me. It’s getting to where I don’t want to take her outside anymore (which would suit her just fine, thankyouverymuch).

Her main pair of shoes, The Blue Ones, are almost too small. The Rainbow Dash Ones (which she tends to avoid wearing even though they are super fucking cool) are getting tight and The Tevas are still wearable despite being the size she’s growing out of (thank you open toes!). She just got a pair of awesome Vans with cats on them but they have laces, which she can’t tie yet. She does like them though, and will at least put them on (then ten minutes later will ask to take them off again).

Today at the zoo, after she tromped around for three hours in her socks, I got the brilliant idea that those “barefoot” shoes with the individual toe sleeves would be perfect for my daughter. Sure there was a chance she’d hate them, but if she loved them, they would Make It Better.

I spent a day obsessing over these shoes. My daughter’s size is the smallest carried–it was meant to be!–but no stores carry them anymore (they haven’t been “all the rage” in two years and the site’s store list is badly in need of editing). I called eight places and nobody had them in a 29. I could order them online, but they are expensive and I hate returning shoes that are shipped.

So I slow down and think about what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it. And I recognize that desperate desire for this Challenging Issue to be Fixed, and that I’ve channeled all that desperation into a Thing I think will Fix It. And then I chuckle to myself.

There is no way those ridiculous looking shoes are going to resolve the Great Shoe Strike of 2015. Sure I may get her a pair some day so we can see if she likes them, but I don’t need them Now, to fix This Particular Thing.

As I researched a sensory swing for my daughter I saw tons of other stuff I knew she’d love. Stuff that I was sure would Make It Better. I have a whole list of things I want to get her, but I see now that I want those things because deep down, voices I’m not ready to entertain, would do anything, buy anything, for it all to be easier. I’m looking for the magic bullet–or a cylinder of magic bullets–but it doesn’t exist. No item I can buy is going to make this all go away. It’s hard for me to remember that.

I’ve been buying shit to Make It Better for a loooooong time. A really long time. It’s a hard habit to break. But this summer I’m breaking it, one day at a time. Some days are harder than others, but this spending freeze is forcing me to take the time to be honest with myself about why I want things, how I think they’ll Make It Better. It turns out that time is usually all I need to stop myself from spiraling into the abyss.

When my daughter really doesn’t have anything to put on her feet, I might try those ridiculous shoes. In the meantime, I’ll remind myself even that even the Great Shoe Strike of 2015 will eventually come to an end, even without magic footwear.

Do you buy things to Make it Better? What other reasons compel you to spend?

Financial Security

Summer Budget Week 4

Posted on by noemikjames / 15 Comments

Are you starting to find these posts tiresome? I am. They are definitely making me hyperaware of how quickly the summer is passing. How am I already posting for week four!

The assessment was obviously a huge expense. I decided to get a private assessment done because I know SFUSD’s threshhold for OT-required sensory differences is much lower than those of a private occupational therapist. I’ve also heard it takes a while to actually get an assessment administered through the district. Having the information before school starts allows me to start advocating for my daughter earlier. Also, a formal diagnoses might help me get coverage from Kaiser for our PCIT sessions. Mostly I just wanted the report done quickly and easily so that I could take my time figuring out how to move forward with the information. Our therapist hasn’t wanted to work much with my daughter until she knows if/what underlying sensory differences are/maybe contributing to her emotional outbursts and aggression. I guess the good news is we haven’t been paying for PCIT for three weeks, and that is the cost of the assessment, so that massive expense was actually in my budget for this summer. I guess that’s a win?

I got art supplies this week. Does that break the ban? They are consumable, but not necessary. I was torn about it. In the end I got them and we’ve used them but I’ve been feeling kind of shitty about it. Also in that purchase was kinesthetic sand, which our PCIT therapist recommended (so not feeling shitty about it). It has been a huge hit and it’s a special thing our daughter gets to use when she makes good choices throughout the day. She clearly loves the way it feels. Heck, I love the way it feels. I would play with it all day if I could.

I did make one purchase that absolutely breaks the ban. I bought a book-on-tape for my daughter ($5.95), which is totally a no-no. I know I shouldn’t have (and yet I did it again today–so there will be that same purchase on next week’s spending report! Fuck!). I can give my weak-ass excuse (see below) but it’s just that, a weak-ass excuse. This is me sneaking the candy bar and gleefully licking each and every finger. This is me straight out cheating. But it’s kind of good that I cheated because I was reminded that I need to cancel my Audible monthly subscription, but I can’t do that until I use up the three credits I have left (the kids books costs less than half of what I spend on a credit so I’m not going to use a credit to get one of those books). Now I need to do some research on the books I want to “read” and what the library does or doesn’t have (and how many holds are on the ones they do have), get my three books and then cancel the subscription so I stop getting charged $14.95 a month for a credit.

{WEAK-ASS EXCUSE: My daughter has been listening to Ivy and Bean book-on-tapes CONSTANTLY this summer–sometimes 4-5 hours a day!–and we only had three books and I just couldn’t listen to any of them one. more. time. Audible awarded me a repeated listeners badge for repeating Ivy and Bean Make the Rules 15 times! I didn’t even know the Audible app has badges! So I got a new book because I just couldn’t. And I got one again this week (week 5) because I just couldn’t again. But I told her no more this summer. We’ll see what the library has by way of kids book-on-tapes that don’t have months worth of holds on them (like the Ivy and Bean books).}

The Paperless Post charge was also lame. It wasn’t until I’d spent 30 minutes putting together my birthday invitation that I realized the one I picked wasn’t free and it was past midnight and I just couldn’t bring myself to start over again so a $6 charge it was.

Oh, there was one more purchase I didn’t record because I used Amazon Reward points to get it (should I have recorded that even though I’m not actually paying for it? Should I record the three Audible books I get to use up my credits even though those charges were actually mad made in past months?). I got a basket for the back of the bike ($22) because when I wear my backpack my daughter’s face hits up against it and she hates that and I can’t go anywhere without at least a backpack because water and diapers and wipes and extra clothes and snacks and all. the. things. So yeah, chalk another $20 up to bike. I still haven’t caved and gotten a bike pump so at least that’s something. (Oh, and I had to get zipties to McGuyver that sucker on so make that $26 more dollars on the bike.)

But there are things I did this week to save money. I loaded up three very heavy bags and one very heavy box of small rocks from my parents’ backyard and hauled them to my house for part of my backyard project (I’ll need to make 5+ more trips to fill the space). I also went to my work and brought the remaining plants from the vertical planter I created last year to plant in the new section with the rocks. The rocks alone are saving my hundreds of dollars, and my parents are stoked to get rid of them because they are redoing their side yard and don’t want them anymore. The plants from work aren’t in great shape but they’ll do, and I’m saving about $60-$100 not buying new plants.

I have been much better about packing food when my kids and I go out and I don’t stress as much when my son isn’t eating what I packed. All I can say is thank god for bananas. I’m definitely spending less on out-and-about food than I would sans ban (and no, I don’t feel bad about the pretzel at the zoo, even this girl’s gotta get her zoo pretzel on).

Also BlogHer is this weekend. I would have loved to go, and visited a friend in NYC while I went, but I shelved it for another year. That saved me a pretty penny and I feel it’s worth mentioning, because I considered it for a month or so before I faced the reality that I couldn’t justify such a massive expense on something I wanted to do just for me.

I think I have a savings plan for the 2015-16 school year. I will share it shortly. In the meantime, my week 4 spending log:

WEEK 4
7/2/2015 Toothbrushes for kids (realized I forgot this last week) $8.34
7/4/2015 Kaiser (Son’s Rx + Benedryl + 30SPF daily face lotion) $32.45
7/4/2015 Michaels (paint supplies + face paint + kinestic sand set) $58.77
7/4/2015 Pretzel at zoo $3.95
7/5/2015 Late fee at library $1.50
7/5/2015 Paperless Post (35th birthday invitations) $6.00
7/7/2015 Brunch with Friend $22.00
7/7/2015 Book-on-tape for daughter $5.56
7/7/2015 Sensory Assessment $450.00
7/8/2015 Plumber (fix leak in tub) $126.74
7/8/2015 Safeway (groceries) $40.56
7/9/2015 Gas $46.17
7/10/2015 Zip ties for bike basket $6.52
$808.56
Financial Security/Minimalism

Frustrations about the Spending Freeze

Posted on by noemikjames / 22 Comments

Wow. Such an interesting dialogue about how people arrange who does what in a relationship to make it work. I’ve found all of it very enlightening and I know I, and we, have a lot of work to do on all of this. I promise I’ll keep you updated as we hopefully move forward making positive changes in our dynamic so both of us are happier.

And now, a little rant at the end of the fourth week of my non-consumables ban. (Sorry it got so long, when I get mad I ramble…)

So there was a little fudging this week, which I’ll talk more about in my official budget post. This week, and especially the past two days, I’ve been dealing with some frustration and anger surrounding this ban I’ve imposed on myself. I suppose it was to be expected, but I didn’t expect it to be so intense.

But first, a little backstory.

So there is something I haven’t mentioned before here. I didn’t technically have to mention it because my ban started on the first day of summer and I never agreed to give any information on what spending occurred before that date. I announced my ban at least a week before it started, and then didn’t say a word about what happened in the days leading up to my spending freeze.

I’m someone who loves to start a new “regimen” at the beginning of something. A week is good. A month is even better. These random days marking arbitrary units of time feel like blank slates to me. And it’s so much easier to go back and appreciate how long you’ve stuck to a new habit when you have easy to name units of time at your disposal.

Back in my “consistently starting a new diet” days I ALWAYS waited until Monday to start my next food restriction of some kind. And there were always a few days in between the decision to start the diet and the Monday when the diet would actually begin. And I ALWAYS spent those days binge eating all the shit I would not be allowed to eat as soon as the restriction started.

Am I the only one who did this?

I can’t be.

{Raise your hand if you can tell where this is going?}

In that week between when I decided to freeze my spending over the summer and the actual beginning of summer I went on a bit of a spending binge. I don’t think I was consciously buying everything I might have wanted over the summer so that there wouldn’t be anything to tempt me during those nine weeks, but that is basically what I was doing. I bought a lot of shit. I did not keep track of my spending. I hoped like hell I hadn’t blown through a huge chunk of my tax refund, but I didn’t log into my credit card account to find out. And I didn’t say a word about it.

In the end I didn’t do nearly as much damage as I had expected. It seems that all these years of trying to be more mindful about my spending have tamed my shopping splurges considerably. I don’t think I touched my tax refund at all, actually.

But I did buy a bunch of stuff, a bunch of stuff that would absolutely NOT be allowed during the spending freeze. I kind of expected to feel some buyers remorse after the initial high, but that never happened. I did take back many of the items of clothing I bought because I’m still good at only keeping what brings me joy, but I never wished I could take back any of the other stuff.

In fact, I’ve REALLY been enjoying most of it.

One thing I got was a sensory table for our dining room. I filled it with rice and the kids play in it throughout the day. It probably gets an thirty minutes to an hour of use daily and is especially popular when I’m making meals. It does have its drawbacks–my son occasionally throws rice with wild abandon–but the positives outweigh them. I appreciate that my kids have something to do that inspires their curiosity and lets them explore their world and I love that it’s right next to the kitchen so I can keep an eye on them while they do it.

I bought my daughter a set of play silks for her birthday, along with some sets of clothing pins, and I adore watching her create “fashions” or transform her stuffed animals or construct forts under her loft bed. Those play silks have been front and center all summer long–her playtime is much richer for having them.

The sandbox and wading pool in the backyard have been equally well used. We spend part of most days in our backyard and I love having that space as an option when we need a way to kill a morning or a couple of hours before diner. I’ve always wanted to utilize our backyard more and because of those purchases we do.

The literal day before the spending freeze I bought (used) a small play structure for my son’s room. It has a basketball hoop and a climbing arch and a slide and it fits nicely in the space that used to be occupied by the elliptical. We play with that thing every single day. It’s the focal point of most of our afternoons and it helps us pass the seemingly endless hours between when my son wakes up and when it’s time for dinner. My son slides down it, my daughter slides down it, I slide down it, we all slide down it and collapse into a heap on the floor. We slide into each other, we race to the top against each other… it allows us to be physical and move our bodies in a small space. Most days it means the difference between bad moods and good ones.

You all know how I debated whether or not to get the seats for the bike, but I couldn’t be more pleased that I committed to that project. I’m finally feeling really comfortable on it and I use it a lot. I want to write a whole post about why I love it, but I felt I needed to mention it here because it was a significant expense that I think was totally worth while.

I kind of expected that I’d feel worse and worse about what I bought before the spending freeze, but instead I’m feeling more and more thankful that I got these things. Why is this happening? Have I already failed in some way?

The point of the spending ban was to help me break a habit and to give me some perspective on how much I spend on things we don’t actually need. I’m sure it will achieve both of those outcomes. I’m just not sure that at the end of this I’m going to believe that not buying stuff should be the goal.

I read so many blogs now where that is the message–you don’t need the stuff and it won’t make you happy, so don’t buy it (and you will be happy?–this seems to be implied more than said outright). But what if the stuff does make us happy? I look around this summer and see all these things that I bought right before the spending freeze and they are making us happy. I think our summer would be less than if we didn’t have them.

And there are things I want to buy now that I think it’s dumb not to buy just because I created this arbitrary spending ban. I’m currently questioning my reasons for not getting them.

One thing I want is a simple fan for my bedroom. The days have been kind of muggy and it sucks to workout on the elliptical when there isn’t a shred of breeze. Sure I don’t need one, but a fan would make working out a WAY more pleasant experience. The idea of enduring six more weeks of stifling exercise because I told myself I couldn’t buy anything is frustrating at best, infuriating at worst (like when I’m on the actual elliptical machine, drenched in sweat).

The second thing is a lot more complicated because it’s for my daughter. I want to write a separate post about her sensory assessment, but I’m waiting until we get the actual report to do so. While I’m not sure exactly what the OT is going to say officially, at the end of the assessment she mentioned that my daughter would benefit from OT, specifically this special swing that is basically a stretchy hammock she crawls into so they can spin her around until the fabric is really tight and she feels pressure from all sides. One of these swings (and the hardware to mount it) costs less than one session of Occupational Therapy. If that is really the biggest reason for her to go, why shouldn’t I just get one and save myself the money on future OT visits? Again, I could wait until the spending ban is over, but providing the sensory stimulation for my daughter could make these long weeks so much more bearable.

So that is where I am right now, unsure of how I feel about my spending ban and worrying that I may not be learning the right lessons from all of this. Is this my materialistic side trying to assert itself in a power play for dominance? Am I feeling this way because there is a part of me that is threatened by doing things differently? I don’t think so, but I’ve never been in this position before so I can’t really know. All I do know is that I want a fucking fan and I want to get my daughter the swing and I don’t really understand the value in NOT getting them. There have been things I have seen the value in not getting, but I just can’t with this stuff.

Do you believe we’d all be better off if we didn’t buy anything, or only bought what we absolutely need? How would you proceed with these things if you had imposed a only-consumables spending restriction for the summer?

Marriage/Parenting & Family

Digging Deeper

Posted on by noemikjames / 29 Comments

I appreciated Polly’s comment on my last post. It got me thinking: Where were these feelings coming from? Why was I jealous of my own husband?

In my response I said that it wasn’t what my husband did or didn’t do, but instead his attitude that bothered me. But as the hours marched on and I thought I about it more, I realized my husband’s attitude has been changing. He isn’t so negative these days. He recognizes and validates my efforts more than ever before. I returned to that knee-jerk response because it was true for a long time, but I don’t think it is anymore.

So I dug a little deeper.

It turns out my response to Polly’s comment is not accurate at all. The real reason I envy my husband is that I feel totally and completely overwhelmed in this role. Motherhood doesn’t play to any of my strengths. I feel like everything I’m forced to do as a mother goes against who I am. It’s exhausting, and I never feel like I’m doing a good job.

I’m not particularly patient. I’m not a good listener. I’m not good at staying present. I am not good at being, really being with my children day in and day out.

I’m scatter brained and distracted. Making–and keeping–appointments is hard for me. That is probably why I spend so much time thinking about them–I’m terrified I’m missing one at any given moment. I forget about an appointment and make other plans and then have to cancel something. On Wednesday morning I woke up to a reminder from Kaiser about my pap smear Thursday, at exactly the same time I had plans to visit the Discovery Museum with new friend. (Obviously my pap smear is going to wait.)

I hate food. I hate having to plan to make food, I hate preparing food. I hate bringing food with me and remembering to feed it to my kids. I hate trying to get my kids to eat food and I hate cleaning up after them when they don’t really eat it. Basically I hate food, and I hate that now I not only have to worry about what I eat every day, but what two other humans eat too. (Especially when there is so much out there about how what we feed our kids is the pinnacle of importance in parenting and I’m constantly being berated by messages about how I should only be offering organic, free-range, locally grown, fresh fruit and veg and protein and also dairy is the devil and gluten will f*ck your kids’ fragile gut and you are seriously ruining them if you feed them proceeded shit from a store, which is exactly what I feed them for every single meal because it’s all they’ll eat.)

It’s so much pressure. And I feel like I’m shouldering it all.

I want to feel like I have a partner in all of this. I want to feel like it’s not all falling on me. I don’t want to feel like I’m failing. At the very least I want to feel like we are failing, instead of just me.

Because he doesn’t have to feel like a failure for yelling at the kids; he’s not usually with them at the hardest time of their days (and he’s not the one telling them they can’t have gummy bunnies because they screamed through the shower). He doesn’t have to feel like an asshat for showing up at the birthday party without a gift when everyone else brought one (he wouldn’t even be at the birthday party to see he’d forgotten the gift). He doesn’t have to worry about missing the appointment because he didn’t make it and won’t be bringing the kids to it anyway.

All those things, they chip away at me, they are tiny weights that eventually bow me at my very core. I wish I could share that burden with someone else, with my husband, so that it didn’t feel so oppressive.

But there’s more. The real reason I wrote that post yesterday and not months ago, is that right now things are especially intense. I’m home all day with my kids, which I’m not used to. We are all on the cusp of major family transitions with Kindergarten starting for our daughter and daycare/preschool coming up for our son. I’m seeking professional help to better meet my daughter’s needs, sitting across from someone and assimilating words like “atypical” and “concerning.” And I’m sitting there alone, trying to keep it all straight so that later I can relate it all to my partner, even though I’m not entirely sure of any of it myself. I’m deciding if we should move forward with the sensory assessment and then if we should move forward with Occupational Therapy (or just stick with PCIT). These are big decisions, associated with significant dollar amounts, not to mention my daughter’s future contentment and well being. I don’t know what the answers are, and it feels like it’s all on me to figure it out.

It’s not that my husband isn’t there to talk about these things. He is. Kind of. But he’s removed enough that it doesn’t seem to touch him like it touches me. And it’s his habit (our habit) to default to me on this stuff because I’m the one who’s read the books and been to the appointments and talked to the therapists and witnessed my daughter’s behaviors in these myriad environments.

I can’t even get into how much of myself I see in my daughter and how that can be a gift because it helps me empathize with and understand her better but the guilt of knowing I gave all this to her is its own massive burden.

When my husband is with our kids he is 100% with them. He doesn’t do anything else, he follows their leads and plays their games and immerses himself in their very being. He is way better at being with them than I could ever be. (I like to tell myself it’s because he isn’t with them as much, but I know my distractible ADD-ridden self could never just be with them the way he is.) He is so much more attuned to their subtle cues; he can tell they are getting tired or over-stimulated way before I do. He is an amazing father, and when I think of what a great team we could make it tears at my heart.

But we’re not that team. Not yet. Maybe some day we will be, but I’m not sure how we’ll get there. Right now my husband seems to overwhelmed by the enormity of our children’s needs. He’s too tired at the end of the day to talk about simple things, let alone tackle sensitive, complicated topics. He says that these years are just going to be hard, and there is nothing we can do to make them better; we just have to wait it out and reconvene on the other side. While I agree with him that these years bring with them a certain level of unavoidable stress and exhaustion, I think a shift in our perspective could make the whole thing seem a lot more manageable. So I take on more in an attempt to alleviate his burden and then the weight of it all becomes too much and I get envious and resentful and write posts like yesterday’s.

We have our weekend together without the kids soon. I want to bring all this up, but I know I’ll botch it somehow. (I so wish I owned a copy of Crucial Conversations so I could review–there are downsides to only borrowing books from the library.) I’ll still try, and I’ll still hope for the best, even if what I’m expecting is less optimistic.