It’s a quiet Sunday morning. It’s 9am, but no one is up yet except the cats. The 11yo is with his grandparents and the 14yo is still asleep (as are her two friends). My husband is downstairs, still in bed.
So this seems like the perfect time to write about who does what around here. I love reading other people’s division of labor posts, and have been wanting to write one myself. I’m a little disappointed that it’s happening at the tail end of NaBloPoMo, but I suppose better late than never.
I’ve been considering a way to organize these thoughts – weekday vs weekend? time of day? – but nothing seems to work perfectly, so I’ll probably be putting it together in some haphazard, hard to follow way. I apologize in advance.
In some ways, my husband and I don’t follow gender norms, and in some ways we are the poster couple of stereotypical division of labor in the US. My husband does most of the cooking. I prepare (and I use that word purposefully, because it rarely involves actual ingredients) most of the kids meals, but he does the bulk of the cooking. I endeavor to cook us a meal once a week, but there are many weeks when that doesn’t happen. There are also many weeks when he isn’t cooking nightly, in fact he rarely cooks every night (we eat leftovers, or something easy like pasta, or we’ll “scrounge” – our word for us each putting together anything that satisfies us.) Still, my husband definitely spends more time in the kitchen than I do.
And he’s not in there just cooking. He also does the dishes a lot (this is probably a 75/25% split) and loads and runs the dishwasher (the 14yo empties it). He keeps track of what we need to restock in the kitchen. I do a fair amount of our grocery shopping at Costco (cereal, pasta, Mac n Cheese, butter, cream cheese, tofu, frozen waffles, chicken nuggets, frozen fruit) and the short stops in a local grocery store for milk, veggies and other perishables that I can’t buy in bulk. My husband does at least one giant TJs shop a month for other essentials.
I buy basically everything else, for everybody. That includes toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, facial cleanser, etc) for myself, the kids and my husband, along with clothes, outerwear, shoes, school supplies, etc. My husband recently made his own Macy’s order, but in the past I’ve purchased, or helped him purchase, most of his clothes. I also buy everything for the cats, which isn’t nothing because one of them has dietary restrictions, so I can only get them certain food from certain places.
On weekend mornings I get up at 6am to finish the kids’ lunches (they each have five Bentgos and they pack the non-perishable snack sections all at once on Sundays, so I only add the sandwich, or bagel in the morning). This year I also make the 14yos breakfast and get her out of bed, but my husband has been the sole parent on kid morning duty for every other year. He makes them breakfast and makes sure they get ready on time (and used to get them ready when they needed the help) and out the door. He also feeds the cats in the morning, which is a real task because someone needs to sit with them until Panther stops eating, to make sure Serval doesn’t come over and eat all her food before she has a chance to do so herself.
While my husband takes mornings with the kids, I’m in charge of afternoons and all the driving that accompanies that time frame (we only have one car and I’m usually driving it, so I do pretty much any errand that requires the car). I’ve spend countless hours driving them to swimming (14yo) or martial arts (11yo), though those requirements are changing (the 14yo gets herself to and from swim now and the 11yo walks home from school instead of getting picked up from aftercare). I am the one who takes them to all their other special events (birthdays, friends’ houses) and appointments (doctors, dentist). I’m usually the one who plans something to do on the weekends to get them out of the house and I am ALWAYS the one who makes plans with their friends, and the one who hosts their friends when they are at our house.
My husband does plan fun outings for the family, but I am also expected to join. He very rarely does something with the kids without me, though he does take the 14yo to concerts and recently took the 11yo to a Warriors game. I think he’ll do more with them as they get older and want to do things he likes doing.
I also need to add that my husband plans our date nights and trips. He makes reservations and thinks of fun things we can do near those reservations. When we went to Mexico City he had reservations for us at all the most popular bars and restaurants months in advance. I am HORRIBLE about this kind of thing and very much appreciate that he takes the time to research good places and make reservations. It would take me hours to do the same.
And the husband does do a fair amount of other kinds of planning. He usually initiates the summer camp conversation and already has some ideas bookmarked for each kid. He initiates the summer travel conversations and either books the tickets (if we’re all flying together) or makes sure I book them (if the kids and I are flying before/after him). He handles all our money stuff, which I’m embarrassed about, but also thankful for because I was horrible with my own money stuff before we met and am very thankful that he manages it now. I know he’s doing a MUCH better job than I could.
He also manages the tech stuff in our house, including the kids’ device limits. I get VERY frustrated when tech stuff doesn’t work, and can barely turn on the Switch, and LOATHE trying to interact with our son’s Apple watch, so I really appreciate this.
While my husband does pick up around the house, and especially in the kitchen, I do all the cleaning. For years I would look at the counter he cleared off and wonder, how could he now also wipe it down! It’s disgusting! But now I just feel thankful he cleared it off, so I can do the most satisfying part myself. I sweep (daily), vacuum (weekly) and mop (monthly?) the floors. I dust and shake out the rugs. The kids clean the upstairs bathroom that we all use (14yo – sink and 11yo – toilet), but I clean their shower and our bathroom downstairs. My husband is better at helping the kids tidy up their bedrooms and then I clean them (the 11yo does vacuums his own carpet, the 14yo sweeps her room).
I change the sheets on the beds (but only once a month – maybe? I want to do a post about how frequently I do things, because I’m pretty sure I don’t change my sheets or wash my towels frequently enough). I do all the laundry, and it’s mostly done on the weekends. I fold everyone’s clothes, but the kids put theirs away (I tried having the 14yo do her own laundry, and fold her own clothes, but it ended up being more of a headache than just doing it myself. I’m hoping to retry next year when we’re past the initial transition to high school and she has the bandwidth for it). I honestly don’t mind folding laundry – putting it away is my least favorite part, so right now I’m okay with this.
I fix things around the house. I unclog sinks and bathtubs. I build furniture when we get it (because it’s always from IKEA). I hang and mount things on the walls. I am definitely the “handy man” around here. My father-in-law bought me my drill!
I also do all the driving. When we take a road trip, I drive most of the time. I am way more comfortable behind the wheel than my husband. I take the car for servicing and to get new tires. The car is definitely my domain, not my husband’s.
I’m sure there are things I’m forgetting, and I wonder what my husband would think of this post. Does he do more than I don’t even see? My first instinct is, “I doubt it!” because I feel like I am aware of everything that happens around here, at least as it relates to our family. But there probably are things he does that I’m not mentioning, because I either don’t know about them or am not aware enough about them. I’m also probably forgetting some things I do. Still, this is a fairly accurate accounting of our division of labor.
As many of you know, the division of labor has been a point of contention in our marriage, and for years I harbored major resentments. The pandemic changed our dynamic quite a bit and now I feel better about things. Would I appreciate a little more support sometimes? Yes. Do I wish my husband could do more without getting exhausted or sulking? Yes. But we’ve found a split that works well enough for us, at least most of the time. Things are definitely a lot better than they were when the kids were young, and required way more of our time. Maybe they will continue to get better as the kids get older.
