Not a Wasted Word

It was a nice weekend. First of all, NO ONE WAS SICK! I can’t believe it was just last weekend that I was puking everywhere, and the weekend before that my husband was out of town and my son was puking everywhere. No wonder I’ve been so underwater lately!

Also, the sun came out today! It’s been raining all week (again!) and it rained most of Saturday, but today it was positively brilliant out. My son and I walked all the way home from the Mission, so we definitely had a chance to enjoy it.

Here is our weekend recap:

Friday night I taught the kids’ class at the dojo (my first time!). Then I got some stuff done at home while the kids played their video games.

Saturday morning I went to the general class, and sparring at the dojo. When I got home, my son’s friend came over for a sleep over that we scheduled six weeks ago (this friend is VERY busy). I took them both to a bowling alley in Pacifica that is going to close at the end of the month, both to bowl and to pick up my daughter from a birthday party. But the wait was too long for the timing to work, so my in-laws graciously agreed to come get her.

After two fun games of bowling, the boys and I got In-n-Out on the way home. The boys played video games while I watched my Spanish language show downstairs (and my husband went to a concert). The boys were in bed by 10:30 and my husband and I finished a movie we started last weekend before I got sick. At some point I got my story forms done for the three 1A classes, which was the bulk of the work I absolutely had to get done this weekend.

Sunday morning I got some laundry done and took the bearded dragon out for his bath in the sun. Then the boys and I went to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie at the Alamo Drafthouse. We walked the friend home after the movie, then walked all the way home ourselves.

My husband met us on the way home so we could just keep going to the library, where we returned a massive amount of books, and checked out a few more.

I was going to run, but the wind had picked up, and it was pretty late, so I hopped on the elliptical machine, where I got all my 1A digital portfolios started. These have been weighing on me, so getting them started is huge. I’m also wrote this blog post!

Tonight I still have to finalize and download all the 1A video skits from a couple weeks ago, but that is the only thing that has to get done before I go to bed tonight, and it shouldn’t take too long. All in all, a pretty low key weekend. I’m so glad my son’s sleep over was a success. He’s been waiting to have this friend over for a looooong time, so I wanted it to be a lot of fun. And they assured me it was! Hooray!

As I predicted, I’m feeling a bit better. I’m still feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but not quite so at the edge. Or maybe just at the edge or something less menacing. Less daunting.

The irritability lingers. I’m trying hard to stop and give myself time to respond, instead of react. I am so, so reactive lately. It’s like I’m looking for a reason to jump at someone. Why?

I struggle so much with stopping long enough to respond. Reacting is like scratching an itch. Something compels me. Sometimes I even pause enough to recognize what I’m doing, but I’m still compelled to yell, or speak with a hostile tone. It’s like a tic almost. Like I can’t not do it.

Why is that? Is it just that my reactive neuro pathways are so we’ll work that I can’t access other options?

What if I spend the rest of my life trying to change and I just can’t?

I ordered a menopause supplement that an acquaintance recommended. She said it really stopped her from being such a bitch. 🤣 That sounds like EXACTLY what I need. I know perimenopause can cause mood swings and irritability. If this supplement helps tame those symptoms, I might as well give it a try. (I know for sure Magnesium equalizes my mood a ton. If something else can help even half as much, it’s worth it.)

I’m going to press publish on this even though it’s lacking a coherent ending. Better published now than left in my draft folder forever.

Well it’s day four and I ate a bowl or bone broth with saltines and then… toast with margarine… and jam! Gasp! And so far, I have not been relegated to the bathroom once!

Yesterday all I ate was two bowls of rice and I was in the bathroom every 5-10 minutes from 10pm until after midnight. I’m really hoping that today I’m finally turning a corner.

Yesterday I was also at work. I didn’t eat at work and that meant I didn’t have to use the bathroom at work, which was my goal. I was tired and totally out of it (oh my god I haven’t had coffee in so long), but I got through the day and didn’t crash until after my bowls of rice hit me in the evening.

This stomach flu has been brutal. I am so, so over it and so, so ready to feel – and eat! – normally again.

And I need to feel normal again, because I’ve fallen into a pretty negative headspace and it’s hard to reset when I’m fighting viral gastroenteritis. The negativity started before the stomach bug, but I don’t have to strength to start turning it around until after the stomach bug.

I’m just so irritable. I’m always finding fault, in myself and others. I’m always snapping at everyone, my kids, my husband, my students. Everyone is getting on my last nerve! Why won’t anyone just listen to me and do what I said the first time I said it? Why?!

It’s definitely May and I’m definitely in the throes of it.

The thing is April was rough. The first two weeks I was neck deep in test prep. Then the minute the test was over my husband was out of town, then before he came back my son had this viral gastro. Then right as my son got over it my daughter got it, then I went down, then my husband after me. And now it’s the first week of May! April was intense and I need some time and space to reset, but May will not be affording me either. It is, as always, chocked full of commitments and celebrations. I need to figure out Mother’s Day, and my daughter’s birthday (first week of June). I have to wrap up a ton of stuff in my classes. We have our “Celebration of Learning” (previous billed as “Open House”) and other end of the year fare (even though we don’t get out until June 15th! Why?!) The kids get out June 2nd so their schools have events as well. May is always a lot, and I always feel overwhelmed, and I stumble through, and then I get to the end of the school year and I can breathe a sigh of relief. I certainly never learn to do it better, or well.

I wondered if I should even write here, feeling this way. I know by next week I’ll feel at least a little better. But I don’t read a lot of blogs where people say that they feel shitty and overwhelmed and aren’t sure how they’re going to get it all done, but not in a “but I will, tah dah!” way, but in a palms dragging over face in desperation way. I really do feel way in the weeds right now, and the weeks I have lined up at work make me blanche. But I can’t push anything because we’re at the wire. There just isn’t anywhere to push it. I either get it done, or I don’t. And there is already so much I don’t get done in a year, I hate to scrap the things I’ve prioritized over many years of planning.

Some brighter points: Students made their elective preferences for next year and it looks like the Spanish program is more popular than ever. I’m really hoping we have enough 1B students to make two smaller classes instead of one 34 student class (that one 34 student class has been way too much this year), and that we can prioritize 7th graders in 1A so we an even bigger pool of possible 1B students next year. I’m proud that my program is thriving – I’ve worked really hard on it and students clearly hear that it’s worth while. For many years I didn’t have enough Spanish students to fill my schedule and I had to teach other classes (or Spanish at another school!) Now there are kids worried they won’t get into Spanish (and it might actually be the case). It’s crazy to think how far my little Spanish program has come.

At home: things are better with my husband. I’m still feeling the bulk of my negativity directed at him, but I’m not vocalizing it (ineffectively) anymore. I know I’m doing too much and need to ask for more help, and we have decided to get a house cleaner (but no one can recommend one and I’m just not in a head space to take that one until after the school year is over). I think once we get back into our routines, I will feel less like I’m shouldering everything. And when I have made specific requests he’s been happy to oblige (although he doesn’t always do things in the way I’d like (or that makes any sense to me!), but I keep that to myself).

Thursday night my daughter got what my son had, only so much worse.

Last night I got it too. It’s some viral gastroenteritis thing going around. No fever but brutal GI symptoms. If our plumbing survives it will be a miracle.

My daughter is on day three and still feels awful, so I can be sure I won’t be at school tomorrow. I hope I can make it back Tuesday. My friend can cover tomorrow so I don’t have to write up amazing plans. She can do a lot with a little.

I haven’t been this sick in a long time. I hope I’m over it soon.

I’m feeling frustrated by things at home this week, about expectations, that are placed on me. That I place on myself. I’m always struggling to know which are which, but it’s hard. Probably impossible. And when I try to talk to my husband about it I just get shut down.

Now is not a good time.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I ask when, but I don’t get an answer.

And I realize that really I just want to be seen. I need to be seen. I need all the shit I do to be acknowledged. Because surely if he saw it all, he would never balk at my request for extended time at the dojo. Or a couple hours to go on a run. If he had to sit in the traffic I sit in just one afternoon, to take our daughter to swimming. If he really stopped to think how much time it takes to do all the laundry. Or shake out all the rugs. Or clean out and wipe down the compost bin, and the recycle bin, and the cats boxes. To wipe down the bathroom sinks and the kitchen sink and the laundry sink. The microwave. And toaster oven. The stove top. The dish rack when it gets so gross in the spot where the water pools.

If he really saw it. If he really saw me. Surely he’d feel differently. And then he’s act differently. And then I’d feel differently.

Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe I just need to skip to the feeling differently without him doing making any changes. Maybe I just need ask for what I need – demand it – and let him feel however that makes him feel.

Maybe that is the answer.

Sunday my son got sick. It started as a stomach ache, then he threw up out the window of the car. He kept throwing up all day, and of course couldn’t go to school on Monday.

My husband usually takes off when the kids are sick; he can work from home so he doesn’t have to “take the day,” especially now that they are older and require less interaction. But he was flying home from New York on Monday, so I had to call in.

Neither of my preferred subs could take the job, so I assumed my colleagues would be covering for me. I was up until 1am writing my sub plans and prepping the work my students would do. On Monday morning I was exhausted, but felt good about what I’d put together.

Except a sub did end up taking my classes. And she didn’t really do anything I asked. She told most of my students that they could just do whatever they wanted. It was really frustrating. It’s one thing to know you can just say, have them kill the period on their computers and eat the day! I hate wasting a day, but I don’t mind not writing sub plans! It’s another to stay up until 1am writing sub plans and have the sub eat the day anyway. So this week I’ve been trying to get caught up, both mentally and physically from the lack of sleep, and at work from the wasted day. It’s been hard to let go of my anger and frustration.

That might be because I’m feeling some anger and frustration at home too. My husband came home Monday afternoon exhausted and stressed out, and while I prepared myself for not getting much, if any, help on Monday, it’s Wednesday and I still feel like I need to be offering support, instead of the other way around. And I can’t help but wonder what he would do if I came home from a six day trip and retreated to the standing desk to because I was totally overwhelmed with work. I just can’t imagine that would fly.

Whatever energy I had last week is gone now. Maybe I burned through it? Maybe it’s hormonal? (JJ asked about this, but now that solidly in perimenopause, I don’t really know if I have what can be called a “cycle” anymore, though hormones shifts definitely affect me. In fact, I think they affect me more than they did before, I’m just totally unaware of what they’re doing at any given time. It’s very frustrating.)

Probably it’s both that I went too hard last week, and my hormones are fluctuating. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter, because I have to figure out where I am at, and plan accordingly. It does such though, that in the end, I did not finish strong. I was so pleased by last week, but Sunday to know how has been one big prolonged crash and burn.

Maybe next week will be better.

My first thought when my husband reminded me that he had a conference in New York was, I should have the girls over. My husband is easily stressed out by four 12/13yos and all the energy and noise they bring. And with him gone, my son could hang out (and sleep!) downstairs with me.

My first thought when I got home at 7pm on Friday night, and the house smelled like a Bath and Body Works exploded was, oh god. What was I thinking?!

The night was indeed a long one. It wasn’t as quiet downstairs as I had hoped (four adolescent bodies are loud!) My son couldn’t fall asleep forever and I was up at 2am asking the girls to please go to sleep. My son and I were both awake by 6am. But we got through it and everyone was in good enough spirits the next morning.

Today I made everyone French toast. Did several loads of laundry. Did a ton of dishes. Took down and put away the blow up bed. Changed my son’s sheets. Shook out both rugs. Swept. Vacuumed. Made pretzels and pretzel dogs. Did more dishes. Took my son to a neighborhood fair (lines were long so we didn’t stay). Hosted one of the girls who spent the night. Hosted my son’s friend. Worked out. Cleaned up.

Tonight my daughter is at her grandparents’ house decompressing and my son and I are watching The Force Awakens. Tomorrow morning I’m taking him to the Academy of Sciences, while my in-laws take my daughter to art class, then we’ll pick her up on our way home.

The afternoon will be low key. I plan to give them some video game time. Then my son will take a bath while I work out. We’ll prep their lunches and pick up around the house a bit. And then we’ll go to be VERY EARLY.

My husband comes home around noon on Monday, which means my in-laws are covering for one more morning. We really are lucky to have them. So, so lucky.

So far it’s been an okay stint without my better half. I seem to have a decent amount of energy these days. I’m not sure why. Even today, when I was clearly feeling very sleepy, I was able to get shit done. Not quite sure what that is about (maybe the beautiful weather we keep having?!) but I’ll take it! I hope it keeps up until summer.

I can’t believe I have not written more about the kittens these past five months. They are a joy and a frustration every day. I really can’t imagine out lives with out them.

My husband read that at 9 months old they are basically adolescents. So I am dealing with three tween/teenagers in my house right now. Sounds about right.

I know I said I was going to call them Lynx and Panther on the blog, but we realized Lynx is really a Serval, so I’m making that name change now. It’s kind of crazy how much like a Serval he looks (and acts I imagine).

They are both totally nuts. Running all over the place. Jumping onto counter tops (okay, only Serval does that) and sneaking into rooms they shouldn’t be in. We have to open the door to the garage with one hand down pretty much always, and we go in and out of there a lot because we have to walk through it to get to our bedroom.

But they are also the sweetest, snuggliest felines ever.

Lately, when they enter a room, they fan out slowly and deliberately and I always think of Flotsam and Jetsam, Ursula’s eels in The Little Mermaid. They have Flotsam and Jetsam energy these days. They are definitely getting older and bigger, but they are still totally nuts and we love them so much. Our daughter especially is completely enamored of them. She just wants to snuggle them every minute of every day. And luckily they are generally ready to oblige.

I hope to post more about them soon. They really are a wonderful addition to our family. We feel so lucky to have found them.

I can’t really believe it’s mid-April. The kids have six weeks of school left (after this one). I have eight. My kids are taking their standardized tests. Our school will start them the first week of May. It’s that time of year when there is not enough time to cover all the topics I need to teach, but way more time left than I want to actually be in the classroom.

It’s still unseasonably cold, but the sun has been out regularly. It hasn’t rained in something like 10 days! (I can’t believe I’m actually writing that.) The downside to all the sun is that my allergies are totally nuts right now. I guess it’s officially spring! I’ve been getting allergy shots for years, and my symptoms are so much better than they were, but I still have weeks when my eyes burn and my throat itches and my ears get super stuffed up, despite using a daily steroid nasal spray. This is one of those weeks.

Our daughter is getting her first phone on May 1st. It’s for her 13th birthday, which is in early June, but she did some work to “earn” it a little early. To hear her tell it she’s the only 7th grader, or 12 year old for that matter, to not have a phone. She’s probably not too far off. All her friends have had them for years. But we held out and we’re glad we did. Her iPad is old and in rough shape. The cell service on her Apple Watch is spotty at best. It’s definitely a good time to make the transition, with tons of screen time and app limits. She’s been doing a really good job this year – working hard toward long and short term goals, staying on top of her school and homework, completing her chores without much reminding, and thriving in multiple friend groups. She’s definitely showing the maturity required to get a phone. And while I wish we could wait even longer, she already has waited way longer than anyone else she knows. I’m excited for her.

{UPDATE: I ordered my daughter’s a couple hours ago! It should be here early next week!}

We’ve been spending crazy money lately. Between several sets of plane tickets (St. Louis and Hawaii), and all the kids summer camps, our next VISA bills will be 2-3x more than usual. And our CPA hasn’t filed our taxes yet (we’re in a federal disaster zone so we have an automatic extension) which means we had to move some money around to make it work. I feel very lucky that we have the money to move around so we can cover all our big summer spending at once. I really hope that next summer our daughter will not require so many expensive camps. And the following year I’m hoping our son won’t need after care (I just had to sign up for next year and it never stops killing my soul how much we spend on after care for him). Any money we’re saving on child care will go into their 529s, which could really use the boost.

My husband left very early this morning for New York. My in-laws are coming every morning at 6:50am to cover the 1.5 hours between when I leave for work and when our son goes to school. My husband wrote them out a page of notes, with times and reminders. He really does have the mornings down – I learned quickly last week that I am not nearly as efficient in the mornings as he is. I’m VERY grateful that my in-laws are willing and able to come help us, because I’d be taking A LOT of time off this week if they weren’t.

I really hope my husband has a good time. He’s been struggling and needs a break. He’s also hoping this conference will give him some clarity about his job. He’s pretty miserable at work right now, and he’s hoping that meeting with his peers from other cities will either remind him of why he wants to stay, or inspire him to start taking next steps in his career.

I’ve planned a lot of friend time for the kids this weekend. My daughter’s three friends are spending the night on Friday (my son will sleep with me – a special treat) and my son’s friend is spending the day with us Saturday (he can’t spend the night, but he’ll be with us until the evening). Sunday I was thinking about taking them to the De Young. We have a membership, but its not my husband’s favorite spot. I could also take my son to the Academy of Sciences while my daughter’s at art class. My teacher membership just gets me and one other person in, and we could pick up my daughter from art after we go.

I just heard the laundry go off, so I’m going to move it to the dryer and head to bed. I hope everyone is doing well.