Uncategorized

The wait

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Lest you think, from my last post, that I’m capable of taking all this one como si nada, please know that I can’t. 48 hours in and my house is a disaster and my brain is a dumpster fire. I’m kind of losing my mind.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it to mid-week. I think by Wednesday I’ll feel confident we either have it or we don’t. In the meantime… the wait.

The kids and I made it to the de Young to see the Ansel Adams exhibit. It was good. But they were distracted and not that into it and I didn’t have the energy to keep us in there very long.

My son and I walked across the promenade to check out the new dinosaur exhibit at the Academy of Sciences (I have a teacher membership and can only bring in one of them at a time). It was small and interesting, but more about how their bodies worked when they were so big (like the amount of food they would have to eat, and how far their heads were from their hearts) and less about different kinds of dinosaurs. He had been wanting to see it, so I’m glad we went really quick.

We got hot pretzels in the promenade before the de Young and paletas after the Academy while we waited for the bus.

At home we hung out in the back yard for a while. I finished my book (a Spanish language thriller) and tried to get the kitchen picked up enough that it didn’t make me panic every time I walked into it. We ordered a bunch of pizzas to get us through the week, and watched Howl’s Moving Castle. I got the kids to bed way too late.

I’m not the parent in this family who likes to stay home all day with the kids. The prospect of doing that today is kind of terrifying to me. I have a list of things we need to get done – clean out the car, make lunches, do laundry, cut both kids’ hair, work out (me) – and things I’d like to get done – pack the kids (which I can do a week before we (maybe) leave because it still hasn’t hit 70 here and it will be hot and humid where we’re going), finish The Emotional Lives of Teenagers (it’s due back to the library soon) – and I will write down when I plan to do these things so the day feels like it has some structure.

After a rough first day with Covid, my husband was feeling much better by last night, so I’m assuming he will feel even better today. That doesn’t mean much for me as were keeping him isolated downstairs, but at least I can just give him food to prepare for himself in the downstairs kitchen, instead of making stuff for him.

Right now I have to kittens in my lap so the day will have to wait.

Life

One for the books

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

Well, today was one for the books. Without my husband the afternoon was an insane game of Tetris. But I made it work!

– At 2pm I left to pick up my daughter early from her camp, which is in possibly the worst location in the city (for us anyways).

– We got her blood drawn. They took 11 vials! And she had to pee in a cup.

Why so many?!

– We picked up my son across the city at his camp.

– We hit up Safeway for some snacks because they would both be having long afternoons.

– I dropped my son at the dojo, found an incredible parking spot, then walked my daughter to Dolores Park for the Trans March (which she was walking with a friend).

– I walked back down to the dojo to assist (I would have nixed the dojo on a day like this but my son’s best friend was trying it out for the first time and I thought we should be there). My son and I wore masks and my son HATED it. It’s been a long time.

– I picked up pupusas from my favorite vendors in front of the church across the street. They are only sometimes there and I almost always get them when they are. Three for $10 and so good! You can’t beat that.

– I drove my son home. Put my husband’s pupusa’s on a plate and brought them to his den of germs (with a mask on of course), started my son’s dinner, then high tailed it out of the house to head to BART.

– I took a BART train downtown to pick up my daughter from the end of the Trans March. I for a train there and we caught a train back quickly, which was no small feat.

– I made the kids dinner and did the dishes. I brought my husband stuff and cleared stuff from his space. I made the couch bed up to sleep in the living room.

I will be sleeping with kittens tonight. We’re going to get SO MUCH SLEEP!

– And now I’m having a drink and watching the new season of Black Mirror.

It was a nuts day but I made it all happen. Some days I even surprise myself.

This weekend we have tickets to the Ansel Adams exhibit at the de Young on Saturday (which were free because members, but the exhibit will be gone by the time we’re done traveling, so I’m not sure yet if we’ll go). And the Pride Parade on Sunday, though I haven’t thought enough about how to pull that off with only one parent. We shall see.

We’ll obviously be sticking close to home and wearing masks when we’re out. I definitely need a couple days of down time after today and I think the kids need the same. I’m hoping my husband’s man-COVID eases up over the weekend, because I don’t really have the bandwidth to take care of him on top of everything else.

Health & Well Being/Home/Travel

Silly me

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

I thought I’d be writing a post today about what I did and did not end up doing this week. Instead I’m writing a post about how my husband just tested positive for Covid, a week before we’re set to leave for St. Louis.

You know, I wasn’t even worried about Covid affecting our travel plans this summer. I hadn’t even considered it. Silly me! Of course we’ll be spending the week before we leave for a trip wondering if we’ll get to go. Just like we did last summer. Twice.

My cousin responded to a text saying, Oh I know how this stresses you out so much! And I was like, It stresses me out? Like me specifically? I’m sorry, should I not be stressed? Is it fine for me to show up at the farm, where six people are 73+ years old and two are under three years old with Covid? If that is fine, please let me know! And maybe it is fine, because people in Missouri just don’t care. And if it is? So be it. I’ll go. But please let me know. Please say it out loud for me, because I feel like the way people act, where they just get sick and don’t test and play dumb, that is a different thing than showing up knowing you have it. And I think my cousin knows that, but it’s easier for her to pretend like I care more than I should because I’m from an area where people took a lot more precautions than they did in the Mid-West.

{I think this especially frustrates me because my uncle (this cousin’s dad) has heart problems and I’m assuming it would be not good for him to get Covid, so she should be more concerned about us showing up with it than most people!}

I have some other stuff on my mind, but I can’t write about it here because it involves my daughter. But suffice it to say, I’m left to wonder if if I passed on yet another disorder to my poor kid who didn’t ask for any of this shit.

And now this afternoon will be so logistically impossible, because I’m the only one left to manage it.

It’s so crazy how you can wake up one morning looking forward to having lunch with your husband downtown, and by 9am you are wondering if you’re family vacation is about to be derailed. And realizing you’re going to spend the whole week wondering, and that you’ll be wrung out and done by the time you’re vacation is starting (if it does). But that is life.

And my week was very uneventful. I didn’t get a ton done, but I did cross some stuff off my to-do list. Now none of it really matters, except that I won’t be crossing much more off my to-do list because it was mostly organizing downstairs, where my husband is isolating.

I bought a ton of new packing cubes – way too many! – which signals some anxiety I was already feeling about our travel plans this summer. Things are just really tight on a couple of ends and I don’t like that. Maybe now it won’t really matter because stuff will be cancelled. Shrug emoji, I guess?

Sorry. I’m spiraling. I’ll stop. I need to land on a strategy for getting through the next 2-4 days especially, so if you have any suggestions, please let me know.

I hope your summer plans are hitting fewer snags than ours.

Connection/Identity/Parenting & Family

Retooling expectations

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

Yesterday was a success. The kids did great on the bike ride. They were shaky to start but they found their footing and went for it. They made it all the way to the end of the closed portion of the road. And they had fun! I got some great pictures of all of us. And of them riding with my dad.

I realized as we were riding that a massive weight was lifting. I had been so nervous that it would be a disaster. That expectations wouldn’t be met and people would be disappointed. That I would have to put an emotional bandaid on a bad day.

I think that is why I was spiraling on Saturday. I was worried all my efforts would be for naught, and I’d regret even attempting the bike ride.

But it was a lot of fun. I don’t give my kids enough credit. Or my parents. I tell myself I’m trying to meet other people’s expectations. But probably the expectations are mine.

My husband had a nice day too. We got him a wireless beard trimmer and a shirt from a bar he wanted. We got my dad shirt too. Everyone was happy. Expectations were met.

I think I need to explore this more, because I’m recognizing patterns. I get stressed for my parents’ birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, but then I do something pretty low key with them and it’s nice and they are happy. So why do I get so stressed? Why do I think they are looking for more than I can give, when that hasn’t been the case in ages. Maybe was never the case. I don’t know. There was definitely disappointment at some point, but they reconfigured their expectations so now I can meet them. I have to remember that.

Home/Parenting & Family/Self-compassion

Me being a curmudgeon at the start of summer

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

{I had titled this “ping pong thoughts at the start of summer” but by the end if felt I should change the title. And since the line-through-text formatting is not available in the title block, I did.}

Today is my first official day of summer. Or is it Tuesday, when I would have had to go to work? (Other district employees get Monday off for Juneteenth). I pulled away from my campus yesterday with no intention of returning until August, so it feels like summer has started.

I was supposed to be at the dojo for a few hours today, but I woke up with the cold that has been making the rounds in our house, and I didn’t want to share it with anyone at the dojo (ground grappling puts you in VERY close proximity with your partner), so I stayed home. I was really bummed to miss it, because my son had somewhere to go (so I wouldn’t be “requesting the time” as it were), and I haven’t been all week, but I really didn’t want to be a jerk and spread a bunch of cold germs so I stayed home.

I’m also still exceedingly sore from my workout on Wednesday. Yesterday I was really sore, but I went for a run anyway because I was done early enough and the weather was AMAZING. My legs did not feel great, and I honestly think I might have made things worse. Hopefully tomorrow my abductors and glutes will have calmed down a little.

Right now I’m on the elliptical, which is the best exercise for when part of my body is sore. I’m so glad we have this thing and that it still works. It’s definitely been worth the money we spent on it 10 years ago.

Instead of being at the dojo, I spent several hours cleaning a bike that a friend let me have for my son. It had been outside for almost a year, so it was in rough shape, but I got it back in working order. It’s only a little bit bigger than his last bike so he’ll need a bigger one really soon, but this will do for now. My daughter just got a new (to her) bike for her birthday, so I’m going to take them both down to ride with my dad tomorrow for Father’s Day. Neither has been on their bike for a while, so they probably won’t last long. I hope it goes okay. There are ample opportunities for it to break bad; I’ll be relieved when it’s over.

I’m really looking forward to Father’s Day being over. I know there are plenty of people who want it to be over for way more valid reasons (like my friend whose dad died and whose husband moved to the East Coast after their divorce), but honestly, it feels like mid-May to mid-June is all about making other people feel loved and special. And that can get tiresome when those same people do so little to make me feel loved on special on days when society tells me I should expect it. My family does nothing for me on Mother’s Day or my birthday, so spending so much time and energy of Mother’s Day, then my daughter’s birthday, then Father’s Day, in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of the end of the school year, starts to grate after a while.

I’m sure I sound like the world’s biggest asshole. Maybe I am. I just feel like I give and give and give and it’s just expected of me. But I’ve had to learn to not expect anything, so I don’t feel disappointed. But I also know how lucky I am to have my own father, and the father of my kids, in my life, so I’m focusing on that while getting presents and making plans work for everyone else.

Tonight is my friend’s 50th birthday party and I’m very excited to show up for that and celebrate her. She is amazing and I know this birthday is messing with her head a bit. I’m excited to be there for her and help make her celebration special.

I’m wearing a nuts dress that I found at a thrift store a few weeks ago. I would try to explain it but honestly I can’t. I’ll try to get a shot in it tonight so I can post it. It’s just the weirdest thing – I’m pretty sure it’s handmade – and I’m nervous to wear it, but if I don’t wear it to this I won’t have an occasion to wear it for a LOOOONG time so I’m going to go for it. It took me many weeks to get the thrift store smell out of it, so I definitely can’t just let it hang in my closet.

We leave for St. Louis exactly two weeks from today. Both kids are in camps both weeks. I forgot how camps like to have a pot luck or a show on Fridays, which kills half of one of the days of childcare that I’m paying for. Of course I like seeing my kids do something fun, but I also just want to get some shit done! And I’m not even working during the rest of their summer! I know it’s a lot harder for my husband to leave work early most Fridays so he can show up for his kids. Probably I’m just salty that yesterday I was up at 6:30am making Mac n Cheese for my son’s camp pot luck, and I had to run shorter than I wanted to be back in the city for my daughter’s camp’s art show. Boo.

Ugh, I sound like such a curmudgeon (did I actually spell that right? It’s not getting underlined…) I think I’m just decompressing after six weeks of non-stop insanity. It started with our stomach flus, went straight into Mother’s Day. Then my niece in nephew in town. Then the “Celebration of Learning.” Then the big party at my school. Then my daughter’s family birthday. Then her friend birthday. Then the last week of school. And now finally Father’s Day. I just want to not have some big thing I need to be planning for always. I just want to sit down and think about nothing for a goddamn afternoon.

Maybe if I get my house cleaned up this week, that will be waiting for me. An afternoon of nothing.

Work/Teaching

Last Day of School

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Well, I did it. I made it to the last day of the school year. At 12:15pm today I will say goodbye to my last class of students, then go to the 8th grade brunch to say goodbye to the students who are moving on to high school.

As is the case every year, I have some complicated feelings about all of it.

This afternoon is our staff party. Tomorrow we have to come in to clean up our classrooms. My friend has been driving me too and from work all week, so my husband can use the car to take the kids to camp, but tomorrow I’ll take them myself, then show up at work briefly to check out, then go for a run. It’s been so weird not to have the car all week, I stayed focused all week, cleaning up my classroom so that Friday I won’t have to stay long. I’m looking forward to running some errands tomorrow.

And once I put this school year behind me, I have two weeks until we leave for St. Louis. The summer fun photo book is already done, so I’ll be spending that time cleaning up the house a bit. I still haven’t packed away our winter clothes because we’ve still been wearing some of them, so I plan to do that. And to purge some stuff that has been accumulating. The house is feeling cramped, which means it’s time to go through and get rid of things.

I also have appointments on most days. Missing school is such a PITA that I generally schedule most appointments for when I’m off, which means that every summer starts with a slew of visits to the dentist, eye doctor, vet, and car service center.

I’m almost done with my Procedures slide deck at school. I also did an inventory on my free reading library, so I’ll have that ready in the fall. Both of those projects are time consuming and I’m glad I got them done this spring. I’m really hoping to start the fall strong. And to not think about work much between now and mid-August.

Our summer is pretty packed. We’re traveling almost all of July. I know that it will be August before I know it. I really want to savor my time away from work. Being a teacher can be pretty all consuming, and if I don’t take them time to decompress when I have it, it can be hard to maintain my stamina. And then I end up having stress dreams like I did this morning, which is why I’m up early writing this post (despite going to bed much too late last night).

And my alarm is about to go off so I’ll press post on this. Last day of school, let’s do this.

Work/Teaching

The home stretch

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Yesterday we threw our daughter a birthday party in the park. Make your own boba and bagels for 16 kids. We had to make pretty much everything for the boba bar – 6 different kinds of tea, simple sugar and boba pearls. It was quite an endeavor.

The party was a hit. Our daughter was happy. The weather was cloudy, cold, and so, so windy but we made do. They painted each other’s faces and made bead bracelets. They picked up their stuff when it blew off the tables.

We spent most of the weekend prepping for the party, hosting the party, and then cleaning up after the party. I’m so glad it’s over.

Five of the teas during and after steeping.

In mid-May, when things started getting busy, I looked to mid-June for relief. I’m almost there. It’s like I just finished the big climb at the end of the marathon. There are still several miles to go, but they are all downhill. Just four more days with students at work. Plenty of events to attend, but none that I’m responsible for.

I can’t wait for this week to be over, but I’m also not particularly stressed for any specific part of this week. I need to get my classroom ready for check-out (counters cleared is the biggest thing). And I’m trying to write a procedures slide deck to use in the fall. Spring Me doesn’t usually care much about Fall Me; Fall Me just enjoyed summer after all and Spring Me is limping to the finish line. But last fall I never managed to get my procedures written in a coherent way and I suffered for it. After two years of being back in the classroom after the pandemic, I know how I want to run things and now is the perfect time to get it all written down. So Spring Me is doing Fall Me a solid and creating a procedures slide deck for next year. With a 120+ 7th and 8th graders, I know Fall Me is going to need it.

Connection/Health & Well Being

Bummer (or on not managing disappointment well)

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Today I was supposed to go to my first book club with a friend. I have been plowing through the book all week, trying to finish in time, I was nervous, but excited to meet some new people. I’m not very good at “friends” and was looking forward to the opportunity to expand my social circle a bit.

But my friend has a migraine so we won’t be going. I’m so bummed. Sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break.

I’m definitely not managing my disappointment very gracefully.

Yesterday was a bummer day too. My daughter’s College of the Arts camp for this coming week was cancelled on Friday afternoon, so we had to scramble to figure out what we were doing. This scrambling took place during my 5th period class, which was a disaster. And I was still feeling really disappointed and distracted during my 6th period class, which was my last class with a group I’ve had for two years. In the end I just unceremoniously said goodbye to them as they walked out, and I was really disappointed in myself for that.

Then I went to the dojo and totally bombed the kids class. It was awful. I’m so glad I’m not teaching it again for a while, but I’m disappointed that my last attempt was such a massive failure.

The only thing I got right last night was working out late. I don’t usually work out after 8pm but I was feeling restless and was worried I wouldn’t get it in the next morning before book club so I just did it. And I felt much better after I did.

Now I’m on the bus to the dojo. The silver lining in not going to book club is that I can make it to sparring. Hopefully after an hour of rolling around on the floor I’ll feel better.

{Update: Sparring was absolutely what I needed today. I’m very glad I could go.}

I also steeped five of the teas for tomorrow’s make-your-own-boba bar. It feels good to cross stuff off my giant party prep list.

How is your weekend going? How do you deal with disappointment these days?

Parenting & Family

Lucky 13

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

I meant to write all week, several different posts, but now it’s Friday and part of each of them will have to end up here.

{Or not, I ended up just writing one, and I’ll write more later.}

Wednesday my lovely daughter turned 13. I was a mix of emotions. I felt raw. I spent much of the day remembering when she was born. Some of it remembering trying to become a mother. Some it in awe of how lucky I am to be her mother. All of it stewing in the bittersweet of the fact that she was once my sweet little cherubic first born and now she is a tall, lanky 13 year old who will be looking down on me soon enough.

I spent a lot of time looking through old picture of her on Shutterfly and crying.

I don’t usually post photos of my kids, but I used to when they were this age, so I figure I can post one now. Because how can I not?

I don’t usually get like this on her birthday. It was a mixture of the milestone of her becoming a teenager and the headspace I’ve been in more generally.

The grandparents came over for dinner on Wednesday. I got to run before cleaning the common areas and that really helped. My in-laws kept the kids until dinner which helped even more (the hours leading up to an event like this are hard to navigate).

My sweet girl cried three times while she opened presents – at the notes written in cards and when she saw her grandparents and replaced her favorite sweatshirt, which she lost a couple weeks ago. She really is a sweet kid, and I am so grateful to be her mom. Even better, I enjoy her company and I hope she continues to enjoy mine (or eventually enjoys it again, after adolescence. 😉

And with that I’ll press post, because this post should be its own thing, and I can put something else up later.

Uncategorized

Woman foolishly thinks…?

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

But it really does have to be better in one week right? Definitely in two…

I can’t believe last weekend was the long weekend, and I spent much of Wednesday in the ER and then threw my tamales y mole party on Thursday (it went fine – so much time, effort and money and it was over in 30 minutes but the kids seemed to enjoy it). Friday we found out at work – from an article about her new job – that our principal is leaving. It’s a bummer, and I felt bad for her that she didn’t get to tell us all in person. When I found out I didn’t have to teach the kids’ class at the dojo I was so happy, because I was well and truly done.

My son and I stayed at the dojo on Friday evening for their movie night. Saturday both kids had friends at our house for sleep overs (it was their first weekend of summer)! While I was at the dojo my husband helped them both clean up their bedrooms. I was very thankful, but my husband struggled for the rest of the day. That is how things are lately. He can rally, but it takes a lot out of him. I really hope he takes next steps towards getting help soon.

Today we saw the new Spider-Man movie, which was amazing. I highly recommend.

This week is a lot. My in-laws are stepping in to make camps across the city possible. They will be taking the kids to their camps and picking them up and bringing them home. They’ll be home alone for a little bit each day before I get there.

Monday someone will be observing me, to make sure I’m up to the job of being a master teacher next year. I’ve never mentored anyone before so I’m cautiously optimistic that it will work out, and that I won’t regret agreeing to it.

Wednesday is my daughter’s actual 13th birthday and both sets of grandparents are coming over to celebrate. I was more stressed about it before we cleaned the house up for the sleep overs. Now I just need to get the presents wrapped and do a bit more clean up.

And of course Sunday is my daughter party with friends. 16 kids at a park near by. We’ll have a make-your-own boba tea bar and some activities. I assume most of the time they’ll be running around screeching.

And after that I have one more week of school.

Tonight I had some work to do for tomorrow and it was like pulling teeth trying to get it done. So brutal! I just have no fucks left to give for these last two weeks.

My daughter has been melting down all weekend about the fact that she has to go to camps this summer. All but two of them are art camps, to get her ready to produce her portfolio in the fall. One of the other two is a camp with friends (that cost an insane amount and I would have avoided except I know important it is for her to be with her friends) and the other is a camp through Rec n Park that she really doesn’t want to attend. I’m so over her complaining, she is just cycling on an endless loop of disappointment and it’s driving me crazy. I guess this is 13.

For real, the lack of fucks is profound.