How is it only Thursday?!

This morning I put this on my daughter’s Bentgo box.

I was so sure it was Friday! The Bentgo box got all the way into her backpack before I realized my mistake.

I’m SOOOO looking forward to this long weekend. I really need the extra day.

And we have a minimum day tomorrow. Hooray!

The weather is still unseasonably cool – in the low 60s at work and the high 50s in the city – and while I’m pretty over it, I’m trying to remind myself that the kids would be even more out of their minds if it were warm right now. I should be thankful that it doesn’t feel like summer yet.

Because it’s not summer yet! I still have three weeks of school. I’m not sure how that is possible.

I’m struggling to find a book to get into. I’m listening to a lot of podcasts but I want to start a new book. And I can even decide what kind of book I’m in the mood for. It’s annoying.

Same with a TV show. Beef is so intense. It stresses me out. I’ve tried a couple things and nothing is quite what I’m looking for.

I think I’m just restless and antsy and I need to ride it out. Things will feel better in three weeks.

And tomorrow is finally – FINALLY! – Friday.

Struggle Care Sees Me

How is it only Tuesday?! Waaaah!

I found a new podcast called Struggle Care. It’s about changing the way you think about care tasks. She talks about the functionality of a space. Just figuring out what you need to do make a space work for you, even if it doesn’t look Insta-worthy. A neat space and a messy space are both morally neutral – the only thing that matters is making it work for you. I love that messaging. I need it. It meets me where I’m at.

I read a lot of VERY high functioning people. And I’m sure I seem very high functioning myself. But my house is always and disaster and my classroom is too. My ADHD shows up the most in the executive functioning required to keep my spaces functional. To have someone remind me that my self worth is not reflected in the spaces around me… it’s powerful.

The creator of Struggle Care – KC Davis – has ADHD. She was only diagnosed recently and it’s interesting to hear her reflect on her past mental health struggles through the lens of her new diagnosis. I see a lot of myself in her. I attribute a great many of my mental health struggles in high school, college and my 20s to my undiagnosed ADHD. Starting medication was such a positive step in my life.

She talks about the social challenges of ADHD too. I still struggle with that stuff so much. When someone asks how I’m doing I have to remind myself to ask them back, instead of just talking about myself. It’s literally a little note that pops up in my brain. Ask them about their summer too! I’m 42 and it doesn’t come naturally me.

I have to watch myself so carefully when I’m talking with others, to make sure I ask questions and give them the time and space to answer. It’s exhausting, policing my interactions constantly. I used to think I was an extrovert but I feel more introverted all the time, and I wonder if it’s because it’s so hard for me to participate in social interactions, now that I’m more aware of all the things I need to work on. It just requires an insane amount of my brain to have a regular adult conversation.

Anyway, it’s nice to feel seen. I always wonder why certain blogs or podcasts rub me a bit raw and I think it’s just the disconnect between their neurotypical existence and my neurodivergent experience. It doesn’t quite click for me because we experience things so differently. It’s nice to listen to someone who clearly experiences most things in ways I recognize.

Today was my first Open House since 2019! I’ve spent over a week cleaning up my classroom. It’s been excruciating. But today I finally got my desks looking like this. I hope I can keep them this way for a little while at least.

My actual desk. I haven’t seen it like this since schools started. It’s usually ENTIRELY covered in crap. Like piles and piles of papers and books and other shit.
My teaching desk. This is where I sit to teach and there is usually space for my computer, but all around is usually covered in clutter.

I have literally been working on clearing off both these spaces, plus a low table next to the teaching desk that is usually home to towering piles of papers, and clipboards and books, for weeks. It took so much work to get them cleared off. I mentioned it to a couple other teachers and they didn’t quite get it. They were like, I had the kids help me clean up today. But students can’t help you clean up your own messes. In my classroom, I create as much chaos, if not more, than the students.

I was at work for almost 12 hours today. I got home and my husband left for a concert. I’m so tired and I still have stuff to do before I can go to bed.

So I’m going to go do that stuff.

I’m looking forward to walking into that clean classroom tomorrow…

Weekend Recap

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

  • Assisted for kids’ test prep.
  • Got some work done.
  • Ironed my son’s white Ki.
  • Remade and sent evite for daughter’s party (first one was a premium design – no thanks!)
  • Watched two episodes of The Other Two with the husband (the third season is stellar so far).
  • Had a couple drinks. 😉

SATURDAY

  • Did my Saturday morning chores.
  • Ran two loads of laundry.
  • Assisted for (3.5 HOUR!) kids’ test.
  • Watched my son rock his super hard form and kill it on his board breaks.
  • Took him to a birthday party at Dave and Busters.
  • Walked around the mall.
  • Picked up my Rx at Kaiser (it was ready in 24 hours this time! Hooray!)
  • Got tamales and other party supplies at Costco.
  • Worked out (ordered husband some jeans and wrote blog post while on elliptical)
  • Hosted son’s friend for sleep over.
  • Watched Quantumania with the boys.
  • Finished Andor while my husband played The Legend of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom (if you have any show suggestions, I think I’ll be watching stuff on my own for a while…).

SUNDAY

  • Slept in until 8am!
  • Made pancakes for the boys.
  • Did more chores.
  • Took the bearded dragon out for his bath.
  • Walked son’s friend home and hit up the library on the way back.
  • Helped daughter do her laundry.
  • Helped kids do their chores.
  • Ordered supplies for daughter’s birthday party.
  • Did more laundry.
  • Edited all the video skits together by period.
  • Worked out.
  • Watched an episode of Lockwood & Co with the family.
  • Scored Digital Portfolios while I watched first episode of Beef (it might be too stressful to watch while I’m working…)
  • Finished Jenny Odell’s Saving Time (I liked it! I may write more about it later but I’m pretty bad at that.)
  • Went to bed too late (after midnight).

Highs and lows this week

HIGHS

Monday I had dinner with some high school friends. I haven’t seen them in a while and it was really nice to catch up. We met at the restaurant at 6:30 and didn’t leave until 9pm! I also met one of them before for a walk. She and I are going to try to keep walking regularly, though summer is the worst time for me to start something like that.

I took off Tuesday to spend the morning with my niece and nephew at the Academy of Sciences. I was trying to give my MIL a break, but she came with us. We got there at 8:30am for Member’s Hour and it was practically empty. By the time the schools showed up at 10:30 they were almost ready to leave. We headed out around 11am. It was really fun; I’m glad I got to to see them.

I went for a run in Golden Gate park after we walked home. The weather was relatively nice. I appreciated having that time, because I couldn’t make the class at the dojo on Wednesday.

We got to see our daughter in action at school on Wednesday night. We got to see her robot make the rounds, and some of her art up at the end-of-the-year STEAM night. She has a really good group of friends and I’m so happy for her. I struggled socially in middle school, so I don’t take for granted how happy and secure she feels with her many friends.

I got A LOT done at work this week. Looking back on it all it was a nuts amount of stuff, and I felt incredibly underwater Thursday and Friday, but it did all get done.

I finally got to see the electives response sheet and my numbers for next year are big. REALLY BIG. There are 70 7th graders that want to take Spanish 1A next year. 50 of them picked at their only elective! (20 of them will only take it if they can take zero period, most of them chose Band or Orchestra first). If that many 7th graders take 1A next year we’ll definitely have enough interest in 1B to fill two classes. This year I have 38 students interested in 1B but we can only fit 34 (and I would prefer to cap it at 32). I hate turning kids away, so I’m happy we won’t have to next year. Having said that, I could possibly have 120 7th and 8th graders across four classes. (I will also have a 6th grade section with two sets of 28ish kids that I’ll see at the first and second half of the year). That is A LOT OF KIDS. I’ve already struggled to run my free reading program with 98 kids this year. Another 20 kids would be a lot to manage. This really might be a case of “be careful what you wish for.” We shall see.

Speaking of my free reading program, I bought the tamales and a few more prizes for the party that the FORTY SIX students who blacked out their free reading bingo boards earned, and I think I’m only going to end up spending about $150 of my own money on the event. This is honestly much lower than I had feared.

And speaking of spending money on events, we finally reserved the park tables and sent out the evites for our daughter’s birthday party in early June. A few kids can’t come because it’s a week after their school is out – she’s feeling pretty bummed about that – but a lot of kids can come and I’m sure it will be a good time. We’re going to have a make your own boba tea station and a bracelet making station. Also bagels (it’s from 2:30-4:30 so we don’t have to feed them a meal). I was really struggling to figure out how to put this together so I’m relieved that most of the planning is done. I even have more of the supplies picked out, I just need to clear them with my daughter.

I assisted at my son’s belt test this morning. It was 3.5 hours long (32 kids tested!) and they were really grateful to have me on the mat. I even got to spar with the kids, and I held boards for breaking. My son was testing for a black stripe on his red belt. I missed his big red belt test last year (exactly a year ago last week!) because I was the first one in our family to get Covid), so it was really nice to participate this time. It’s a big deal that he (and three other kids) have red belts – it takes a really long time to get that high. I’m really proud of him.

That is a lot of highs! I guess it was a pretty good week!

LOWS

I didn’t get to go to a class at the dojo this week. There just wasn’t a time that worked. I’m really hoping to go twice next week.

That sour taste from that Wednesday at work lingered. On Thursday and Friday I was feeling REALLY underwater. Like drowning. But I did get everything I needed to get done by Friday, which means next week might be okay.

My classroom is not even close to ready for the Celebration of Learning (which takes place this coming Tuesday). It’s definitely no it’s way, but I know the final push always takes 3-4x longer than I think it will. I’m going to have to stay on Monday to get most of it done, because I’ve spent too many hours before previous Open Houses just throwing shit into Costco bags and hiding them in hall behind the science classes. I really don’t want to do that this year (though I have my own little storage closet in my room – it doesn’t belong to me but I could put stuff back there for just one night)…

My husband continues to struggle with what we’re pretty sure is clinical depression. He says he’s going to take steps to see someone, but I know that will be really hard for him. And I’m way too underwater to help him with it right now. Next month I can start looking into what our insurance covers. In the meantime, it’s lonely living with someone who is sad all the time. Lonely and exhausting. Some days are better than others, and I really try to savor those. On the bad days I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I can’t guarantee myself that things will get better, but they probably will.

There are still FOUR WEEKS OF SCHOOL! HOW?! The next two weeks will be stressful and busy; the Celebration of Learning is next week and that party I mentioned is the week after. The final two weeks should be okay. My daughter’s birthday party is the Sunday before my last week of school. WHY?!?!?!?

My lows list is a lot shorter than my highs list. And last week felt really stressful! Maybe I should write a high and low list every week, to help put things in perspective.

Bull$#!^ at work

Work today (Wednesday) was pretty infuriating. My principal engaged me in some crazy circular reasoning about why she couldn’t give me access to data right now, even though she will eventually. I don’t understand what this weird gatekeeping is about, but it’s wasting my time and I’m tired of it. I kept saying, if you share the data with me I could answer that question, and she kept explaining that she hadn’t had time to look at the data. But I don’t need you to look at it! I want to look at it myself. And if you don’t have time why don’t you just let me do it!? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

Then we went to the most incredible waste of time meeting, where we were basically introduced to a behavior management program we’ve been using for two years. It was the kind of presentation you should require in August, when you’re reminding teachers of why you’re using a program. It’s definitely not something to show them in May when there are only 4 weeks left of school.

Maybe if we’d met to discuss how the program worked for us this year, to identify successes and areas of concern to focus on next year, it would have been almost worthwhile. But instead we just reviewed the system generally – its history and why it’s better than punitive behavior management. It didn’t even present actually strategies to implement the program. It was just such a massive waste of time and I want so badly to know who thought it was something we should be doing on the Wednesday before our “Celebration of Learning.” Fucking nuts.

Then our principal sent out a totally inappropriate email asking us to sign up to cover for teachers who are out over the next few weeks. Asking us to cover isn’t inappropriate, but the tone and explanations for why they couldn’t get subs were. It especially rubbed me the wrong way after that massive waste of time we were forced to sit through all afternoon, when there were so many other, more productive ways, we could have been spending those hours.

It’s this kind of shit that makes teachers quit. Today makes me think about quitting, and I rarely do that anymore.

Super bloom

Well, Mother’s Day is always a let down for me. My husband and kids don’t do anything for me and while I’m generally fine with that, it always stings for a bit on the actual day. Today no one even said Happy Mother’s Day (until prompted, pretty late in the day), which didn’t feel great. But they did eventually get me a pastry. I suppose that’s something.

I went down to see my own mother. I gave her something because I know it means a lot to her to have these kinds of days recognized in some way. I wish my own family cared enough to do a little something, but not enough to make a big deal out of it.

My husband did give me a lot of time this weekend. I went for a run on Saturday. And for a walk with friends after. And to dinner with friends later in the day. That was all lovely.

At the park, when I ran, I kept stopping to take pictures of the poppies. I love California poppies and right now they are everywhere. It’s a super bloom, and I love it.

I love this park.

In between all that time away from the house, we worked on the back yard. The weeds were almost as tall as me, but the weed whacker could still handle it.

Before
After

It was just a first pass and we didn’t get to the back, where bigger plants require actual cutting down with clippers. But it’s nice to feel like that space is available, and not just a wall of weeds.

After just 45 minutes my arms were covered in hives, so I had to stop. Grasses are what I’m most allergic too, and despite allergy shots, and an oral antihistamine and a steroid nasal spray, I’m still being pummeled by the pollen right now.

Today I went for a hike with my mom and we had lunch together. I worked out at home, helped the kids with some chores and then we watched two episodes of Lockwood & Co., which we’re loving. We finished the first two books and so far we’re really enjoying the series based on them. It’s been a lot of fun to read and watch these together.

And now for another week at school. I still have FIVE WEEKS until summer break. Which just feels like so many weeks. It’s going to be a loooong trek to the finish line.

I’m so glad I didn’t quit

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I considered quitting martial arts, and how glad I am that I didn’t.

I was thinking of quitting because it was getting hard, and it didn’t feel as fun. I would commit to going, then convince myself I shouldn’t go over small scheduling complications, because I didn’t really want to go. I avoided the classes that taught the harder stuff, because they left me feeling mentally drained. I got stuck, and stopped making meaningful progress.

Then I committed to testing, so I had to show up. And when I showed up, and worked on the hard stuff, it got easier. The high belt class stopped feeling so draining. As I gained confidence, it even started to feel fun. It was rewarding to see myself progress. Skills that I struggle so long to master finally started to click. It started to make sense.

Now that I’m a blue belt I’m working on skills that come more intuitively. I feel so comfortable being taken to the ground that sometimes it’s exhilarating. Moves that used to furrow my brow with concentration now come naturally. It’s a lot of fun.

I used to show up begrudgingly to assist every other week. Now I’m happy to assist every week. Last Friday I taught my first kids’ class. I’m just really happy at the dojo now. My experience there has totally changed.

I’m really glad I stuck with it. That I not only decided to test but committed to really knowing my stuff and testing well. When I was prepping I assumed I’d just hang out at this level for a long time, but I’m already interested in learning the new stuff. I’m going to be attending the high belt and grappling classes from the get go, not just waiting until I want to test to go to them.

Who woulda thought that if I showed up even when it got hard, that eventually it would get easier? So weird how that happened. 🤣🤦‍♀️😉

Perimenopause confirmed?

Actually, I think it’s not.

Confirmed I mean. The perimenopause.

I don’t fucking know.

How exactly am I supposed to know? I rarely got my period, without the help of hormonal contraception, in my 20s. I’ve had an ablation*, so even if I were menstruating, I shouldn’t be bleeding much, if at all. If the hallmark signs of perimenopause are wonky cycles, how does a person who already had wonky cycles determine when they are newly wonky?

If someone has boiled their uterine lining away, how are they supposed to tell what their cycles are like at all?

But I was pretty sure I was starting perimenopause. And now I’m pretty sure I’m not. I think I actually supplemented my way back into cycling. That may seem insane, but I supplemented my way into more regular cycles when I was trying to conceive. B-vitamin and Chaste Berry (Vitex) lengthened my cycles from 18-21 days to 26, which was a huge difference. And I’ve been taking B-vitamin again to manage perimenopause symptoms. And the perimenopause supplement I got has Chaste Berry too, so I’m kind of taking what I used to take when I was trying to get pregnant. Maybe its enough (with my diminished ovarian reserve) to get me cycling again.

Because I do seem to be having pretty regular cycles this calendar year. Every 18-20 days I have light spotting for 2-3 days. This past cycle was almost 27 days, and the spotting has lasted for 4 days so far. Which is long for me. This is exactly what it was like when supplements helped stretch out my cycles when I was TTC. Is that what’s happening now? Or is this just the stage of perimenopause I’m in right now? I honestly don’t know, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know.

And maybe it doesn’t matter. If managing perimenopause is about managing symptoms, and the worst ones have faded (I haven’t had a true night sweat since the new year), that’s really all that matters. I, of course, would love to hold off early menopause for a number of reasons (bone density being my biggest concern). My RE said I’d be in menopause by my early 40s, but he didn’t know how much my cycle loves a B-vitamin boost!

I don’t freaking know. It’s frustrating to again be confused by my reproductive system, which literally never worked right. It’s frustrating to have the medical establishment just shrug their collective shoulders and turn away. But it’s not surprising, and as I have before, I can keep looking for my own answers to the questions Western medicine deems unworthy of a response.

If anyone has gone through perimenopause or menopause and has any suggestions, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for sharing anything insights you can!

*I got an ablation several years ago because my organ prolapse was so bad that I can’t wear a cup or tampon for protection (when your cervix sits literally at the vaginal opening, there is no where for it go to but out!) and even though my period was light and short, it still made swimming really difficult in the summer. And since I love to be in the water, my doctors agreed an ablation made sense. I had no bleeding for about two years after the procedure, but in the past few years I have spotted (very lightly) when I’m cycling. My pessary, which I wear always (I only take it out when having sex), also helps manage my light flow.

The weekend I needed

It was a nice weekend. First of all, NO ONE WAS SICK! I can’t believe it was just last weekend that I was puking everywhere, and the weekend before that my husband was out of town and my son was puking everywhere. No wonder I’ve been so underwater lately!

Also, the sun came out today! It’s been raining all week (again!) and it rained most of Saturday, but today it was positively brilliant out. My son and I walked all the way home from the Mission, so we definitely had a chance to enjoy it.

Here is our weekend recap:

Friday night I taught the kids’ class at the dojo (my first time!). Then I got some stuff done at home while the kids played their video games.

Saturday morning I went to the general class, and sparring at the dojo. When I got home, my son’s friend came over for a sleep over that we scheduled six weeks ago (this friend is VERY busy). I took them both to a bowling alley in Pacifica that is going to close at the end of the month, both to bowl and to pick up my daughter from a birthday party. But the wait was too long for the timing to work, so my in-laws graciously agreed to come get her.

After two fun games of bowling, the boys and I got In-n-Out on the way home. The boys played video games while I watched my Spanish language show downstairs (and my husband went to a concert). The boys were in bed by 10:30 and my husband and I finished a movie we started last weekend before I got sick. At some point I got my story forms done for the three 1A classes, which was the bulk of the work I absolutely had to get done this weekend.

Sunday morning I got some laundry done and took the bearded dragon out for his bath in the sun. Then the boys and I went to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie at the Alamo Drafthouse. We walked the friend home after the movie, then walked all the way home ourselves.

My husband met us on the way home so we could just keep going to the library, where we returned a massive amount of books, and checked out a few more.

I was going to run, but the wind had picked up, and it was pretty late, so I hopped on the elliptical machine, where I got all my 1A digital portfolios started. These have been weighing on me, so getting them started is huge. I’m also wrote this blog post!

Tonight I still have to finalize and download all the 1A video skits from a couple weeks ago, but that is the only thing that has to get done before I go to bed tonight, and it shouldn’t take too long. All in all, a pretty low key weekend. I’m so glad my son’s sleep over was a success. He’s been waiting to have this friend over for a looooong time, so I wanted it to be a lot of fun. And they assured me it was! Hooray!

Respond, not react

As I predicted, I’m feeling a bit better. I’m still feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but not quite so at the edge. Or maybe just at the edge or something less menacing. Less daunting.

The irritability lingers. I’m trying hard to stop and give myself time to respond, instead of react. I am so, so reactive lately. It’s like I’m looking for a reason to jump at someone. Why?

I struggle so much with stopping long enough to respond. Reacting is like scratching an itch. Something compels me. Sometimes I even pause enough to recognize what I’m doing, but I’m still compelled to yell, or speak with a hostile tone. It’s like a tic almost. Like I can’t not do it.

Why is that? Is it just that my reactive neuro pathways are so we’ll work that I can’t access other options?

What if I spend the rest of my life trying to change and I just can’t?

I ordered a menopause supplement that an acquaintance recommended. She said it really stopped her from being such a bitch. 🤣 That sounds like EXACTLY what I need. I know perimenopause can cause mood swings and irritability. If this supplement helps tame those symptoms, I might as well give it a try. (I know for sure Magnesium equalizes my mood a ton. If something else can help even half as much, it’s worth it.)

I’m going to press publish on this even though it’s lacking a coherent ending. Better published now than left in my draft folder forever.