Connection/Identity/Parenting & Family

Retooling expectations

Posted on by noemikjames / 6 Comments

Yesterday was a success. The kids did great on the bike ride. They were shaky to start but they found their footing and went for it. They made it all the way to the end of the closed portion of the road. And they had fun! I got some great pictures of all of us. And of them riding with my dad.

I realized as we were riding that a massive weight was lifting. I had been so nervous that it would be a disaster. That expectations wouldn’t be met and people would be disappointed. That I would have to put an emotional bandaid on a bad day.

I think that is why I was spiraling on Saturday. I was worried all my efforts would be for naught, and I’d regret even attempting the bike ride.

But it was a lot of fun. I don’t give my kids enough credit. Or my parents. I tell myself I’m trying to meet other people’s expectations. But probably the expectations are mine.

My husband had a nice day too. We got him a wireless beard trimmer and a shirt from a bar he wanted. We got my dad shirt too. Everyone was happy. Expectations were met.

I think I need to explore this more, because I’m recognizing patterns. I get stressed for my parents’ birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day, but then I do something pretty low key with them and it’s nice and they are happy. So why do I get so stressed? Why do I think they are looking for more than I can give, when that hasn’t been the case in ages. Maybe was never the case. I don’t know. There was definitely disappointment at some point, but they reconfigured their expectations so now I can meet them. I have to remember that.

Home/Parenting & Family/Self-compassion

Me being a curmudgeon at the start of summer

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

{I had titled this “ping pong thoughts at the start of summer” but by the end if felt I should change the title. And since the line-through-text formatting is not available in the title block, I did.}

Today is my first official day of summer. Or is it Tuesday, when I would have had to go to work? (Other district employees get Monday off for Juneteenth). I pulled away from my campus yesterday with no intention of returning until August, so it feels like summer has started.

I was supposed to be at the dojo for a few hours today, but I woke up with the cold that has been making the rounds in our house, and I didn’t want to share it with anyone at the dojo (ground grappling puts you in VERY close proximity with your partner), so I stayed home. I was really bummed to miss it, because my son had somewhere to go (so I wouldn’t be “requesting the time” as it were), and I haven’t been all week, but I really didn’t want to be a jerk and spread a bunch of cold germs so I stayed home.

I’m also still exceedingly sore from my workout on Wednesday. Yesterday I was really sore, but I went for a run anyway because I was done early enough and the weather was AMAZING. My legs did not feel great, and I honestly think I might have made things worse. Hopefully tomorrow my abductors and glutes will have calmed down a little.

Right now I’m on the elliptical, which is the best exercise for when part of my body is sore. I’m so glad we have this thing and that it still works. It’s definitely been worth the money we spent on it 10 years ago.

Instead of being at the dojo, I spent several hours cleaning a bike that a friend let me have for my son. It had been outside for almost a year, so it was in rough shape, but I got it back in working order. It’s only a little bit bigger than his last bike so he’ll need a bigger one really soon, but this will do for now. My daughter just got a new (to her) bike for her birthday, so I’m going to take them both down to ride with my dad tomorrow for Father’s Day. Neither has been on their bike for a while, so they probably won’t last long. I hope it goes okay. There are ample opportunities for it to break bad; I’ll be relieved when it’s over.

I’m really looking forward to Father’s Day being over. I know there are plenty of people who want it to be over for way more valid reasons (like my friend whose dad died and whose husband moved to the East Coast after their divorce), but honestly, it feels like mid-May to mid-June is all about making other people feel loved and special. And that can get tiresome when those same people do so little to make me feel loved on special on days when society tells me I should expect it. My family does nothing for me on Mother’s Day or my birthday, so spending so much time and energy of Mother’s Day, then my daughter’s birthday, then Father’s Day, in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of the end of the school year, starts to grate after a while.

I’m sure I sound like the world’s biggest asshole. Maybe I am. I just feel like I give and give and give and it’s just expected of me. But I’ve had to learn to not expect anything, so I don’t feel disappointed. But I also know how lucky I am to have my own father, and the father of my kids, in my life, so I’m focusing on that while getting presents and making plans work for everyone else.

Tonight is my friend’s 50th birthday party and I’m very excited to show up for that and celebrate her. She is amazing and I know this birthday is messing with her head a bit. I’m excited to be there for her and help make her celebration special.

I’m wearing a nuts dress that I found at a thrift store a few weeks ago. I would try to explain it but honestly I can’t. I’ll try to get a shot in it tonight so I can post it. It’s just the weirdest thing – I’m pretty sure it’s handmade – and I’m nervous to wear it, but if I don’t wear it to this I won’t have an occasion to wear it for a LOOOONG time so I’m going to go for it. It took me many weeks to get the thrift store smell out of it, so I definitely can’t just let it hang in my closet.

We leave for St. Louis exactly two weeks from today. Both kids are in camps both weeks. I forgot how camps like to have a pot luck or a show on Fridays, which kills half of one of the days of childcare that I’m paying for. Of course I like seeing my kids do something fun, but I also just want to get some shit done! And I’m not even working during the rest of their summer! I know it’s a lot harder for my husband to leave work early most Fridays so he can show up for his kids. Probably I’m just salty that yesterday I was up at 6:30am making Mac n Cheese for my son’s camp pot luck, and I had to run shorter than I wanted to be back in the city for my daughter’s camp’s art show. Boo.

Ugh, I sound like such a curmudgeon (did I actually spell that right? It’s not getting underlined…) I think I’m just decompressing after six weeks of non-stop insanity. It started with our stomach flus, went straight into Mother’s Day. Then my niece in nephew in town. Then the “Celebration of Learning.” Then the big party at my school. Then my daughter’s family birthday. Then her friend birthday. Then the last week of school. And now finally Father’s Day. I just want to not have some big thing I need to be planning for always. I just want to sit down and think about nothing for a goddamn afternoon.

Maybe if I get my house cleaned up this week, that will be waiting for me. An afternoon of nothing.

Work/Teaching

Last Day of School

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Well, I did it. I made it to the last day of the school year. At 12:15pm today I will say goodbye to my last class of students, then go to the 8th grade brunch to say goodbye to the students who are moving on to high school.

As is the case every year, I have some complicated feelings about all of it.

This afternoon is our staff party. Tomorrow we have to come in to clean up our classrooms. My friend has been driving me too and from work all week, so my husband can use the car to take the kids to camp, but tomorrow I’ll take them myself, then show up at work briefly to check out, then go for a run. It’s been so weird not to have the car all week, I stayed focused all week, cleaning up my classroom so that Friday I won’t have to stay long. I’m looking forward to running some errands tomorrow.

And once I put this school year behind me, I have two weeks until we leave for St. Louis. The summer fun photo book is already done, so I’ll be spending that time cleaning up the house a bit. I still haven’t packed away our winter clothes because we’ve still been wearing some of them, so I plan to do that. And to purge some stuff that has been accumulating. The house is feeling cramped, which means it’s time to go through and get rid of things.

I also have appointments on most days. Missing school is such a PITA that I generally schedule most appointments for when I’m off, which means that every summer starts with a slew of visits to the dentist, eye doctor, vet, and car service center.

I’m almost done with my Procedures slide deck at school. I also did an inventory on my free reading library, so I’ll have that ready in the fall. Both of those projects are time consuming and I’m glad I got them done this spring. I’m really hoping to start the fall strong. And to not think about work much between now and mid-August.

Our summer is pretty packed. We’re traveling almost all of July. I know that it will be August before I know it. I really want to savor my time away from work. Being a teacher can be pretty all consuming, and if I don’t take them time to decompress when I have it, it can be hard to maintain my stamina. And then I end up having stress dreams like I did this morning, which is why I’m up early writing this post (despite going to bed much too late last night).

And my alarm is about to go off so I’ll press post on this. Last day of school, let’s do this.

Work/Teaching

The home stretch

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Yesterday we threw our daughter a birthday party in the park. Make your own boba and bagels for 16 kids. We had to make pretty much everything for the boba bar – 6 different kinds of tea, simple sugar and boba pearls. It was quite an endeavor.

The party was a hit. Our daughter was happy. The weather was cloudy, cold, and so, so windy but we made do. They painted each other’s faces and made bead bracelets. They picked up their stuff when it blew off the tables.

We spent most of the weekend prepping for the party, hosting the party, and then cleaning up after the party. I’m so glad it’s over.

Five of the teas during and after steeping.

In mid-May, when things started getting busy, I looked to mid-June for relief. I’m almost there. It’s like I just finished the big climb at the end of the marathon. There are still several miles to go, but they are all downhill. Just four more days with students at work. Plenty of events to attend, but none that I’m responsible for.

I can’t wait for this week to be over, but I’m also not particularly stressed for any specific part of this week. I need to get my classroom ready for check-out (counters cleared is the biggest thing). And I’m trying to write a procedures slide deck to use in the fall. Spring Me doesn’t usually care much about Fall Me; Fall Me just enjoyed summer after all and Spring Me is limping to the finish line. But last fall I never managed to get my procedures written in a coherent way and I suffered for it. After two years of being back in the classroom after the pandemic, I know how I want to run things and now is the perfect time to get it all written down. So Spring Me is doing Fall Me a solid and creating a procedures slide deck for next year. With a 120+ 7th and 8th graders, I know Fall Me is going to need it.

Connection/Health & Well Being

Bummer (or on not managing disappointment well)

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

Today I was supposed to go to my first book club with a friend. I have been plowing through the book all week, trying to finish in time, I was nervous, but excited to meet some new people. I’m not very good at “friends” and was looking forward to the opportunity to expand my social circle a bit.

But my friend has a migraine so we won’t be going. I’m so bummed. Sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break.

I’m definitely not managing my disappointment very gracefully.

Yesterday was a bummer day too. My daughter’s College of the Arts camp for this coming week was cancelled on Friday afternoon, so we had to scramble to figure out what we were doing. This scrambling took place during my 5th period class, which was a disaster. And I was still feeling really disappointed and distracted during my 6th period class, which was my last class with a group I’ve had for two years. In the end I just unceremoniously said goodbye to them as they walked out, and I was really disappointed in myself for that.

Then I went to the dojo and totally bombed the kids class. It was awful. I’m so glad I’m not teaching it again for a while, but I’m disappointed that my last attempt was such a massive failure.

The only thing I got right last night was working out late. I don’t usually work out after 8pm but I was feeling restless and was worried I wouldn’t get it in the next morning before book club so I just did it. And I felt much better after I did.

Now I’m on the bus to the dojo. The silver lining in not going to book club is that I can make it to sparring. Hopefully after an hour of rolling around on the floor I’ll feel better.

{Update: Sparring was absolutely what I needed today. I’m very glad I could go.}

I also steeped five of the teas for tomorrow’s make-your-own-boba bar. It feels good to cross stuff off my giant party prep list.

How is your weekend going? How do you deal with disappointment these days?

Parenting & Family

Lucky 13

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

I meant to write all week, several different posts, but now it’s Friday and part of each of them will have to end up here.

{Or not, I ended up just writing one, and I’ll write more later.}

Wednesday my lovely daughter turned 13. I was a mix of emotions. I felt raw. I spent much of the day remembering when she was born. Some of it remembering trying to become a mother. Some it in awe of how lucky I am to be her mother. All of it stewing in the bittersweet of the fact that she was once my sweet little cherubic first born and now she is a tall, lanky 13 year old who will be looking down on me soon enough.

I spent a lot of time looking through old picture of her on Shutterfly and crying.

I don’t usually post photos of my kids, but I used to when they were this age, so I figure I can post one now. Because how can I not?

I don’t usually get like this on her birthday. It was a mixture of the milestone of her becoming a teenager and the headspace I’ve been in more generally.

The grandparents came over for dinner on Wednesday. I got to run before cleaning the common areas and that really helped. My in-laws kept the kids until dinner which helped even more (the hours leading up to an event like this are hard to navigate).

My sweet girl cried three times while she opened presents – at the notes written in cards and when she saw her grandparents and replaced her favorite sweatshirt, which she lost a couple weeks ago. She really is a sweet kid, and I am so grateful to be her mom. Even better, I enjoy her company and I hope she continues to enjoy mine (or eventually enjoys it again, after adolescence. 😉

And with that I’ll press post, because this post should be its own thing, and I can put something else up later.

Uncategorized

Woman foolishly thinks…?

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

But it really does have to be better in one week right? Definitely in two…

I can’t believe last weekend was the long weekend, and I spent much of Wednesday in the ER and then threw my tamales y mole party on Thursday (it went fine – so much time, effort and money and it was over in 30 minutes but the kids seemed to enjoy it). Friday we found out at work – from an article about her new job – that our principal is leaving. It’s a bummer, and I felt bad for her that she didn’t get to tell us all in person. When I found out I didn’t have to teach the kids’ class at the dojo I was so happy, because I was well and truly done.

My son and I stayed at the dojo on Friday evening for their movie night. Saturday both kids had friends at our house for sleep overs (it was their first weekend of summer)! While I was at the dojo my husband helped them both clean up their bedrooms. I was very thankful, but my husband struggled for the rest of the day. That is how things are lately. He can rally, but it takes a lot out of him. I really hope he takes next steps towards getting help soon.

Today we saw the new Spider-Man movie, which was amazing. I highly recommend.

This week is a lot. My in-laws are stepping in to make camps across the city possible. They will be taking the kids to their camps and picking them up and bringing them home. They’ll be home alone for a little bit each day before I get there.

Monday someone will be observing me, to make sure I’m up to the job of being a master teacher next year. I’ve never mentored anyone before so I’m cautiously optimistic that it will work out, and that I won’t regret agreeing to it.

Wednesday is my daughter’s actual 13th birthday and both sets of grandparents are coming over to celebrate. I was more stressed about it before we cleaned the house up for the sleep overs. Now I just need to get the presents wrapped and do a bit more clean up.

And of course Sunday is my daughter party with friends. 16 kids at a park near by. We’ll have a make-your-own boba tea bar and some activities. I assume most of the time they’ll be running around screeching.

And after that I have one more week of school.

Tonight I had some work to do for tomorrow and it was like pulling teeth trying to get it done. So brutal! I just have no fucks left to give for these last two weeks.

My daughter has been melting down all weekend about the fact that she has to go to camps this summer. All but two of them are art camps, to get her ready to produce her portfolio in the fall. One of the other two is a camp with friends (that cost an insane amount and I would have avoided except I know important it is for her to be with her friends) and the other is a camp through Rec n Park that she really doesn’t want to attend. I’m so over her complaining, she is just cycling on an endless loop of disappointment and it’s driving me crazy. I guess this is 13.

For real, the lack of fucks is profound.

Health & Well Being

Not a stroke, but maybe a silent migraine?

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

I spent several hours in the ER today. A couple hours in the waiting room, and one in the actual ER. I was there because the advice nurse told me I had to go. But I couldn’t drive myself. I had to get a ride.

I had floaters in my right eye. Wavy lines that started in the middle of my vision and eventually retreated to the periphery. After about 30 minutes they were gone, but the right side of my face felt numb. Like I’d gotten a root canal on an upper front tooth, but several hours ago, and novocaine hadn’t worn off yet.

It was the numb face that prompted me to call. If it had just been the floaters that went away I wouldn’t have worried, but the numb face freaked me out.

When the advice nurse asked for my current address, and whether or not I was alone, I knew what was coming next.

My mom took me to the ER and my dad brought me back to my car, which stayed at work. Luckily I was done teaching for the day, so I only missed a meeting.

I’m relieved it wasn’t anything serious. I’m concerned about the probably that it was a silent migraine because I’ve never had one before and I hope they don’t become commonplace. I guess I should be happy it just came with auras and numbness, but no pain.

Evidently both my sister and father have had these before. I had no idea. I guess I’ll be learning more about them.

I was back at work close to when I would have left for the day. I had missed my long block prep, which I had planned to use to get ready for the big party I’m throwing tomorrow for the students who for blackouts on their free reading bingo boards. I hope I can get it all done tomorrow before lunch.

I’m tired and I’m supposed to get to bed early tonight. I hope the rest of the week is less eventful.

Life/Parenting & Family

But…

Posted on by noemikjames / 1 Comment

It was a nice weekend, but I it wasn’t long enough.

I went to sparring and high belt class, but I felt nauseous after all the rolling we did so I didn’t stay for forms.

I found an amazing dress at a thrift store, but I can’t get the thrift store smell out (and I can’t stand the smell).

I finished and ordered the summer fun book in time to take advantage of the Memorial Day sale (which is a huge project that I’m so relieved to be done with), but I could have saved even more money with a coupon I didn’t see in the mail.

Saturday and Sunday were cloudy, windy and cold, but Monday was beautiful.

I did something I regret, but my husband showed me that I can be disappointed in myself, but still kind to myself, which was maybe exactly what I needed right now.

I did a lot of clean up around the house, but the reason I had to do the clean up was annoying.

I prepped a lot of big events I have coming up, but there is always more prep to be done!

My kids are really excited for the end of the school year (this Friday for them), but transitions are hard and they are struggling with some big feelings right now.

My daughter is about to turn 13 and she’s amazing, but 13 is a hard year and the feelings are so, SO BIG!

My husband emailed his GP about his depression, but he hasn’t filled out the survey they sent in response.

I’m back at work this morning, but there are only 13 school days left with students!

Life/Parenting & Family/Work/Teaching

How is it only Thursday?!

Posted on by noemikjames / 3 Comments

This morning I put this on my daughter’s Bentgo box.

I was so sure it was Friday! The Bentgo box got all the way into her backpack before I realized my mistake.

I’m SOOOO looking forward to this long weekend. I really need the extra day.

And we have a minimum day tomorrow. Hooray!

The weather is still unseasonably cool – in the low 60s at work and the high 50s in the city – and while I’m pretty over it, I’m trying to remind myself that the kids would be even more out of their minds if it were warm right now. I should be thankful that it doesn’t feel like summer yet.

Because it’s not summer yet! I still have three weeks of school. I’m not sure how that is possible.

I’m struggling to find a book to get into. I’m listening to a lot of podcasts but I want to start a new book. And I can even decide what kind of book I’m in the mood for. It’s annoying.

Same with a TV show. Beef is so intense. It stresses me out. I’ve tried a couple things and nothing is quite what I’m looking for.

I think I’m just restless and antsy and I need to ride it out. Things will feel better in three weeks.

And tomorrow is finally – FINALLY! – Friday.