Not a Wasted Word

Thursday night my daughter got what my son had, only so much worse.

Last night I got it too. It’s some viral gastroenteritis thing going around. No fever but brutal GI symptoms. If our plumbing survives it will be a miracle.

My daughter is on day three and still feels awful, so I can be sure I won’t be at school tomorrow. I hope I can make it back Tuesday. My friend can cover tomorrow so I don’t have to write up amazing plans. She can do a lot with a little.

I haven’t been this sick in a long time. I hope I’m over it soon.

I’m feeling frustrated by things at home this week, about expectations, that are placed on me. That I place on myself. I’m always struggling to know which are which, but it’s hard. Probably impossible. And when I try to talk to my husband about it I just get shut down.

Now is not a good time.

I’m not going to do this right now.

I ask when, but I don’t get an answer.

And I realize that really I just want to be seen. I need to be seen. I need all the shit I do to be acknowledged. Because surely if he saw it all, he would never balk at my request for extended time at the dojo. Or a couple hours to go on a run. If he had to sit in the traffic I sit in just one afternoon, to take our daughter to swimming. If he really stopped to think how much time it takes to do all the laundry. Or shake out all the rugs. Or clean out and wipe down the compost bin, and the recycle bin, and the cats boxes. To wipe down the bathroom sinks and the kitchen sink and the laundry sink. The microwave. And toaster oven. The stove top. The dish rack when it gets so gross in the spot where the water pools.

If he really saw it. If he really saw me. Surely he’d feel differently. And then he’s act differently. And then I’d feel differently.

Or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe I just need to skip to the feeling differently without him doing making any changes. Maybe I just need ask for what I need – demand it – and let him feel however that makes him feel.

Maybe that is the answer.

Sunday my son got sick. It started as a stomach ache, then he threw up out the window of the car. He kept throwing up all day, and of course couldn’t go to school on Monday.

My husband usually takes off when the kids are sick; he can work from home so he doesn’t have to “take the day,” especially now that they are older and require less interaction. But he was flying home from New York on Monday, so I had to call in.

Neither of my preferred subs could take the job, so I assumed my colleagues would be covering for me. I was up until 1am writing my sub plans and prepping the work my students would do. On Monday morning I was exhausted, but felt good about what I’d put together.

Except a sub did end up taking my classes. And she didn’t really do anything I asked. She told most of my students that they could just do whatever they wanted. It was really frustrating. It’s one thing to know you can just say, have them kill the period on their computers and eat the day! I hate wasting a day, but I don’t mind not writing sub plans! It’s another to stay up until 1am writing sub plans and have the sub eat the day anyway. So this week I’ve been trying to get caught up, both mentally and physically from the lack of sleep, and at work from the wasted day. It’s been hard to let go of my anger and frustration.

That might be because I’m feeling some anger and frustration at home too. My husband came home Monday afternoon exhausted and stressed out, and while I prepared myself for not getting much, if any, help on Monday, it’s Wednesday and I still feel like I need to be offering support, instead of the other way around. And I can’t help but wonder what he would do if I came home from a six day trip and retreated to the standing desk to because I was totally overwhelmed with work. I just can’t imagine that would fly.

Whatever energy I had last week is gone now. Maybe I burned through it? Maybe it’s hormonal? (JJ asked about this, but now that solidly in perimenopause, I don’t really know if I have what can be called a “cycle” anymore, though hormones shifts definitely affect me. In fact, I think they affect me more than they did before, I’m just totally unaware of what they’re doing at any given time. It’s very frustrating.)

Probably it’s both that I went too hard last week, and my hormones are fluctuating. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter, because I have to figure out where I am at, and plan accordingly. It does such though, that in the end, I did not finish strong. I was so pleased by last week, but Sunday to know how has been one big prolonged crash and burn.

Maybe next week will be better.

My first thought when my husband reminded me that he had a conference in New York was, I should have the girls over. My husband is easily stressed out by four 12/13yos and all the energy and noise they bring. And with him gone, my son could hang out (and sleep!) downstairs with me.

My first thought when I got home at 7pm on Friday night, and the house smelled like a Bath and Body Works exploded was, oh god. What was I thinking?!

The night was indeed a long one. It wasn’t as quiet downstairs as I had hoped (four adolescent bodies are loud!) My son couldn’t fall asleep forever and I was up at 2am asking the girls to please go to sleep. My son and I were both awake by 6am. But we got through it and everyone was in good enough spirits the next morning.

Today I made everyone French toast. Did several loads of laundry. Did a ton of dishes. Took down and put away the blow up bed. Changed my son’s sheets. Shook out both rugs. Swept. Vacuumed. Made pretzels and pretzel dogs. Did more dishes. Took my son to a neighborhood fair (lines were long so we didn’t stay). Hosted one of the girls who spent the night. Hosted my son’s friend. Worked out. Cleaned up.

Tonight my daughter is at her grandparents’ house decompressing and my son and I are watching The Force Awakens. Tomorrow morning I’m taking him to the Academy of Sciences, while my in-laws take my daughter to art class, then we’ll pick her up on our way home.

The afternoon will be low key. I plan to give them some video game time. Then my son will take a bath while I work out. We’ll prep their lunches and pick up around the house a bit. And then we’ll go to be VERY EARLY.

My husband comes home around noon on Monday, which means my in-laws are covering for one more morning. We really are lucky to have them. So, so lucky.

So far it’s been an okay stint without my better half. I seem to have a decent amount of energy these days. I’m not sure why. Even today, when I was clearly feeling very sleepy, I was able to get shit done. Not quite sure what that is about (maybe the beautiful weather we keep having?!) but I’ll take it! I hope it keeps up until summer.

I can’t believe I have not written more about the kittens these past five months. They are a joy and a frustration every day. I really can’t imagine out lives with out them.

My husband read that at 9 months old they are basically adolescents. So I am dealing with three tween/teenagers in my house right now. Sounds about right.

I know I said I was going to call them Lynx and Panther on the blog, but we realized Lynx is really a Serval, so I’m making that name change now. It’s kind of crazy how much like a Serval he looks (and acts I imagine).

They are both totally nuts. Running all over the place. Jumping onto counter tops (okay, only Serval does that) and sneaking into rooms they shouldn’t be in. We have to open the door to the garage with one hand down pretty much always, and we go in and out of there a lot because we have to walk through it to get to our bedroom.

But they are also the sweetest, snuggliest felines ever.

Lately, when they enter a room, they fan out slowly and deliberately and I always think of Flotsam and Jetsam, Ursula’s eels in The Little Mermaid. They have Flotsam and Jetsam energy these days. They are definitely getting older and bigger, but they are still totally nuts and we love them so much. Our daughter especially is completely enamored of them. She just wants to snuggle them every minute of every day. And luckily they are generally ready to oblige.

I hope to post more about them soon. They really are a wonderful addition to our family. We feel so lucky to have found them.

I can’t really believe it’s mid-April. The kids have six weeks of school left (after this one). I have eight. My kids are taking their standardized tests. Our school will start them the first week of May. It’s that time of year when there is not enough time to cover all the topics I need to teach, but way more time left than I want to actually be in the classroom.

It’s still unseasonably cold, but the sun has been out regularly. It hasn’t rained in something like 10 days! (I can’t believe I’m actually writing that.) The downside to all the sun is that my allergies are totally nuts right now. I guess it’s officially spring! I’ve been getting allergy shots for years, and my symptoms are so much better than they were, but I still have weeks when my eyes burn and my throat itches and my ears get super stuffed up, despite using a daily steroid nasal spray. This is one of those weeks.

Our daughter is getting her first phone on May 1st. It’s for her 13th birthday, which is in early June, but she did some work to “earn” it a little early. To hear her tell it she’s the only 7th grader, or 12 year old for that matter, to not have a phone. She’s probably not too far off. All her friends have had them for years. But we held out and we’re glad we did. Her iPad is old and in rough shape. The cell service on her Apple Watch is spotty at best. It’s definitely a good time to make the transition, with tons of screen time and app limits. She’s been doing a really good job this year – working hard toward long and short term goals, staying on top of her school and homework, completing her chores without much reminding, and thriving in multiple friend groups. She’s definitely showing the maturity required to get a phone. And while I wish we could wait even longer, she already has waited way longer than anyone else she knows. I’m excited for her.

{UPDATE: I ordered my daughter’s a couple hours ago! It should be here early next week!}

We’ve been spending crazy money lately. Between several sets of plane tickets (St. Louis and Hawaii), and all the kids summer camps, our next VISA bills will be 2-3x more than usual. And our CPA hasn’t filed our taxes yet (we’re in a federal disaster zone so we have an automatic extension) which means we had to move some money around to make it work. I feel very lucky that we have the money to move around so we can cover all our big summer spending at once. I really hope that next summer our daughter will not require so many expensive camps. And the following year I’m hoping our son won’t need after care (I just had to sign up for next year and it never stops killing my soul how much we spend on after care for him). Any money we’re saving on child care will go into their 529s, which could really use the boost.

My husband left very early this morning for New York. My in-laws are coming every morning at 6:50am to cover the 1.5 hours between when I leave for work and when our son goes to school. My husband wrote them out a page of notes, with times and reminders. He really does have the mornings down – I learned quickly last week that I am not nearly as efficient in the mornings as he is. I’m VERY grateful that my in-laws are willing and able to come help us, because I’d be taking A LOT of time off this week if they weren’t.

I really hope my husband has a good time. He’s been struggling and needs a break. He’s also hoping this conference will give him some clarity about his job. He’s pretty miserable at work right now, and he’s hoping that meeting with his peers from other cities will either remind him of why he wants to stay, or inspire him to start taking next steps in his career.

I’ve planned a lot of friend time for the kids this weekend. My daughter’s three friends are spending the night on Friday (my son will sleep with me – a special treat) and my son’s friend is spending the day with us Saturday (he can’t spend the night, but he’ll be with us until the evening). Sunday I was thinking about taking them to the De Young. We have a membership, but its not my husband’s favorite spot. I could also take my son to the Academy of Sciences while my daughter’s at art class. My teacher membership just gets me and one other person in, and we could pick up my daughter from art after we go.

I just heard the laundry go off, so I’m going to move it to the dryer and head to bed. I hope everyone is doing well.

I don’t actually have my new belt yet. I’ll get it next week. But I passed my test! And I did really well. I knew it and I felt good and it was fun. The sparring session was awesome. I feel like I’m finally moving past the plateau I’ve been on for so long.

Remember when I wasn’t sure if I’d even test? I was considering quitting! Or testing, then just not doing much for a while? Well, the opposite has happened. I feel energized by this test prep. I’m excited to spend more time at the dojo. I’m excited to see what I’m going to learn next.

I honestly didn’t anticipate that possibility. I’ve been so stuck for so long, but it turns out spending a lot of time at the dojo, learning and practicing and perfecting got me unstuck. Who would’ve thought? So obvious in hindsight.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that I got through it and I’m really happy with how it went.

And the best part? I keep thinking I should review something, and remember I don’t have to anymore!

Now that is a great feeling.

Well, I did it! Everything on my big list. Except for picking up meds, because my Rx was never filled, despite ordering it on Monday. The ADHD meds shortage is no joke. I hope it gets filled before I run out.

Today I mailed my last return (I’ve had that envelope in my car for weeks!) I bought pet food (for the kittens and the bearded dragon). I ran on the Great Highway. I had lunch with my husband. I watched my Spanish-language series. I cleaned up my daughter’s room (she took the bus to swimming for me one day, so I told her I’d help her with her room). I ironed my Ki. I wrote out and emailed my one steps.

I feel ready for my test. More ready than I’ve ever been. At this point I just want to get it over with because it’s long and grueling and I want it to be done.

I’m quite pleased with how this Spring Break went. It can be a bummer to have a different break that my kids, but this year I made good use of it. I’m really glad we ended up with staggered spring breaks.

I also wanted to write a bit more about the “time debt” I mentioned in my last post. I wrote this in response to JJ’s concerned comment on that post (I’ve edited it slightly):

The time debt thing is absolutely my own weird stuff that I’m working through. And I think ultimately it comes from a place of trying to be fair. Like if I am asking for a lot during the week, I should try to offer time during the weekend. I know I would want to be offered time during the weekend if I were on all week! And it can help me to ask for my own time when I’m doing more than I normally would. It makes me better at asking for time when I’m giving a lot of it.

The reality is my husband just can’t manage as much as I can – he gets exhausted and eventually moody and sulky if he doesn’t get the time he needs to recharge. So part of what I’m doing is trying to avoid that, because it will happen even if my husband wants to support me. These past two weeks he has been very supportive of the time I wanted/needed to spend at the dojo. But when it came down to his ability to actually manage covering for me, it was a different story. He just can’t always deliver what he wants to offer. So I’m always mindful of what I’m asking for and try to offer opportunities for him to recharge, because he isn’t as good at recognizing he needs to, and making the space to do it himself – this is definitely a big part of it actually, that I’ve practiced recognizing when I need time and asking for it (as a run or drinks with friends) and he has not, or doesn’t have ready ways to make it meaningful.

I do think there was a time, when I felt a lot more resentment about how much more I did, when I did think of it as a debt to be owed. But now that we both are contributing so much, it’s more about me trying to be fair, and safe guard against his burn out. I never feel like he is tallying time or anything, but I can tell when he’s overextended, and needs a change to reset. It happens more now, as he’s managing mental health issues. So I’m really glad he’ll get almost a week in NYC, away from his normal responsibilities and routines. I really hope it helps him feel better.

And with that, I shall hit “Publish,” because I want to get to bed early even though I don’t have to be on the bus until 9:45am.

By the time I write again I will (hopefully 🤞) be a blue belt!

I really hit a wall yesterday. On Wednesday I felt so good. I was so pleased with all I was getting done, with how test prep felt manageable, even fun. On Wednesday I was in great mood.

By Thursday night I was totally done.

It was bound to happen. I’ve been asking a lot of my family, and trying hard to make it up to them. Especially my husband who has been struggling to show up for me in the ways he wants to. My son has been spending hours waiting for me at the dojo, reading and watching shows on his pad while he eats dinner in the hallway. I’ve been driving the kids all over the city, having my son’s meals ready to eat at the dojo. Just trying to make it all work.

And of course there are all the hours practicing. It’s a lot. It’s exhausting both mentally and physically. I’m so tired at the end of every day, I’m in bed as soon as I eat a late dinner and prep for the next day.

I’m very lucky this test is at the end of my break. I don’t think I’d have the mental fortitude to work so hard after long days in the classroom, and then driving the kids for a couple hours each afternoon. Yesterday I got my teeth cleaned by work and just that one commute made the afternoon activity driving a lot harder.

I’ve also felt a lot better about asking my husband to cover the evenings, since I’m covering his usual morning routine. I’m the one getting up with the kids, getting them ready and taking them to school. I know that has helped him have the energy to get them fed and ready for bed in the evenings.

I am definitely focusing on how fortunate I was with the timing of this test. It has been the most enjoyable test prep I’ve experienced, and that’s saying something because this is definitely the hardest test I’ve ever done. I know for sure it’s been a positive experience because I’m not at work this week.

My husband leaves for New York early next week and I’m so relieved that we can do a quick reset on time debt. I always struggle with knowing how long to step up and offer extra help after requesting extra help myself. I think six days away will provide the mental reset that I need to know we’ll be on even footing once he returns.

{Am I the only one who does this? The only one who tries to “make up for” asking for more coverage than I’m normally allotted? Keeping a mental tally of how much I’ve been away and then trying to give that time back to my husband later (which means I never get any time to unwind myself. MORE THOUGHTS ON THIS IN THE COMMENTS.}

I’m going to run today, (I realized that it didn’t make a lot of sense to try to go yesterday, so I pushed it) and then take my son to the dojo for his quick 30 minute high belt class before we both bail. If he stays for the longer general class I know I’ll feel like I should assist and I just need a break from the dojo tonight. I’m going to be assisting every Friday morning forward, so taking this one off makes sense.

Tomorrow morning I’ll be at the dojo at 10:30am. Hopefully the test will be over by 4pm. I may go out for a little celebration after, or I may be too brain dead and just come home.

By 5pm tomorrow it will be done (sometimes they run long and a lot of people are testing tomorrow, but by 5pm it will definitely be done). I just got to make it to 5pm.

By the time I post this my spring break will be half over. So far, I have no complaints. It’s maybe not much of a break, but I’m getting good stuff done. And I’m finding moments for self care. I think I may reach my main goals of feeling good about my test, feeling good about the house, and being ready for the final two months of school. While I may have tried to pack a lot into this week, right not I’m feeling pleasantly productive.

Some self-care highlights:

I ran Monday, and while the fog was rolling in, I did get to enjoy plenty of sun.

I got a one-hour Thai massage on Tuesday and saw my chiropractor on Wednesday.

I’ve gotten so much done! Still haven’t written those personal one steps yet. Blerg – it’s so hard!

I am feeling pretty good about my test coming up. I do think I will be as prepared as I can be, and that is a big win. I’m sure I’ll never feel 100% about a test, but I am confident that I know everything as well as anyone else testing at my level.

I’m about to pick my kids up for their dentist appointments (Wednesday is an early release day for them). Tonight will be a long session at the dojo. Tomorrow I plan to run down by my parents’ house, then shower at their house before my own dentist appointment. Then I’ll run some errands on the way home.

Friday I plan to take it easy, since I’ll be at the dojo testing for 5-6 hours on Saturday. My husband and I will grab lunch (he works from home on Friday), and I’ll putz around. Maybe I’ll even watch a movie (anything streaming I should see?)