The home stretch

Yesterday we threw our daughter a birthday party in the park. Make your own boba and bagels for 16 kids. We had to make pretty much everything for the boba bar – 6 different kinds of tea, simple sugar and boba pearls. It was quite an endeavor.

The party was a hit. Our daughter was happy. The weather was cloudy, cold, and so, so windy but we made do. They painted each other’s faces and made bead bracelets. They picked up their stuff when it blew off the tables.

We spent most of the weekend prepping for the party, hosting the party, and then cleaning up after the party. I’m so glad it’s over.

Five of the teas during and after steeping.

In mid-May, when things started getting busy, I looked to mid-June for relief. I’m almost there. It’s like I just finished the big climb at the end of the marathon. There are still several miles to go, but they are all downhill. Just four more days with students at work. Plenty of events to attend, but none that I’m responsible for.

I can’t wait for this week to be over, but I’m also not particularly stressed for any specific part of this week. I need to get my classroom ready for check-out (counters cleared is the biggest thing). And I’m trying to write a procedures slide deck to use in the fall. Spring Me doesn’t usually care much about Fall Me; Fall Me just enjoyed summer after all and Spring Me is limping to the finish line. But last fall I never managed to get my procedures written in a coherent way and I suffered for it. After two years of being back in the classroom after the pandemic, I know how I want to run things and now is the perfect time to get it all written down. So Spring Me is doing Fall Me a solid and creating a procedures slide deck for next year. With a 120+ 7th and 8th graders, I know Fall Me is going to need it.

Bummer (or on not managing disappointment well)

Today I was supposed to go to my first book club with a friend. I have been plowing through the book all week, trying to finish in time, I was nervous, but excited to meet some new people. I’m not very good at “friends” and was looking forward to the opportunity to expand my social circle a bit.

But my friend has a migraine so we won’t be going. I’m so bummed. Sometimes I feel like I can’t catch a break.

I’m definitely not managing my disappointment very gracefully.

Yesterday was a bummer day too. My daughter’s College of the Arts camp for this coming week was cancelled on Friday afternoon, so we had to scramble to figure out what we were doing. This scrambling took place during my 5th period class, which was a disaster. And I was still feeling really disappointed and distracted during my 6th period class, which was my last class with a group I’ve had for two years. In the end I just unceremoniously said goodbye to them as they walked out, and I was really disappointed in myself for that.

Then I went to the dojo and totally bombed the kids class. It was awful. I’m so glad I’m not teaching it again for a while, but I’m disappointed that my last attempt was such a massive failure.

The only thing I got right last night was working out late. I don’t usually work out after 8pm but I was feeling restless and was worried I wouldn’t get it in the next morning before book club so I just did it. And I felt much better after I did.

Now I’m on the bus to the dojo. The silver lining in not going to book club is that I can make it to sparring. Hopefully after an hour of rolling around on the floor I’ll feel better.

{Update: Sparring was absolutely what I needed today. I’m very glad I could go.}

I also steeped five of the teas for tomorrow’s make-your-own-boba bar. It feels good to cross stuff off my giant party prep list.

How is your weekend going? How do you deal with disappointment these days?

Lucky 13

I meant to write all week, several different posts, but now it’s Friday and part of each of them will have to end up here.

{Or not, I ended up just writing one, and I’ll write more later.}

Wednesday my lovely daughter turned 13. I was a mix of emotions. I felt raw. I spent much of the day remembering when she was born. Some of it remembering trying to become a mother. Some it in awe of how lucky I am to be her mother. All of it stewing in the bittersweet of the fact that she was once my sweet little cherubic first born and now she is a tall, lanky 13 year old who will be looking down on me soon enough.

I spent a lot of time looking through old picture of her on Shutterfly and crying.

I don’t usually post photos of my kids, but I used to when they were this age, so I figure I can post one now. Because how can I not?

I don’t usually get like this on her birthday. It was a mixture of the milestone of her becoming a teenager and the headspace I’ve been in more generally.

The grandparents came over for dinner on Wednesday. I got to run before cleaning the common areas and that really helped. My in-laws kept the kids until dinner which helped even more (the hours leading up to an event like this are hard to navigate).

My sweet girl cried three times while she opened presents – at the notes written in cards and when she saw her grandparents and replaced her favorite sweatshirt, which she lost a couple weeks ago. She really is a sweet kid, and I am so grateful to be her mom. Even better, I enjoy her company and I hope she continues to enjoy mine (or eventually enjoys it again, after adolescence. 😉

And with that I’ll press post, because this post should be its own thing, and I can put something else up later.

Woman foolishly thinks…?

But it really does have to be better in one week right? Definitely in two…

I can’t believe last weekend was the long weekend, and I spent much of Wednesday in the ER and then threw my tamales y mole party on Thursday (it went fine – so much time, effort and money and it was over in 30 minutes but the kids seemed to enjoy it). Friday we found out at work – from an article about her new job – that our principal is leaving. It’s a bummer, and I felt bad for her that she didn’t get to tell us all in person. When I found out I didn’t have to teach the kids’ class at the dojo I was so happy, because I was well and truly done.

My son and I stayed at the dojo on Friday evening for their movie night. Saturday both kids had friends at our house for sleep overs (it was their first weekend of summer)! While I was at the dojo my husband helped them both clean up their bedrooms. I was very thankful, but my husband struggled for the rest of the day. That is how things are lately. He can rally, but it takes a lot out of him. I really hope he takes next steps towards getting help soon.

Today we saw the new Spider-Man movie, which was amazing. I highly recommend.

This week is a lot. My in-laws are stepping in to make camps across the city possible. They will be taking the kids to their camps and picking them up and bringing them home. They’ll be home alone for a little bit each day before I get there.

Monday someone will be observing me, to make sure I’m up to the job of being a master teacher next year. I’ve never mentored anyone before so I’m cautiously optimistic that it will work out, and that I won’t regret agreeing to it.

Wednesday is my daughter’s actual 13th birthday and both sets of grandparents are coming over to celebrate. I was more stressed about it before we cleaned the house up for the sleep overs. Now I just need to get the presents wrapped and do a bit more clean up.

And of course Sunday is my daughter party with friends. 16 kids at a park near by. We’ll have a make-your-own boba tea bar and some activities. I assume most of the time they’ll be running around screeching.

And after that I have one more week of school.

Tonight I had some work to do for tomorrow and it was like pulling teeth trying to get it done. So brutal! I just have no fucks left to give for these last two weeks.

My daughter has been melting down all weekend about the fact that she has to go to camps this summer. All but two of them are art camps, to get her ready to produce her portfolio in the fall. One of the other two is a camp with friends (that cost an insane amount and I would have avoided except I know important it is for her to be with her friends) and the other is a camp through Rec n Park that she really doesn’t want to attend. I’m so over her complaining, she is just cycling on an endless loop of disappointment and it’s driving me crazy. I guess this is 13.

For real, the lack of fucks is profound.

Not a stroke, but maybe a silent migraine?

I spent several hours in the ER today. A couple hours in the waiting room, and one in the actual ER. I was there because the advice nurse told me I had to go. But I couldn’t drive myself. I had to get a ride.

I had floaters in my right eye. Wavy lines that started in the middle of my vision and eventually retreated to the periphery. After about 30 minutes they were gone, but the right side of my face felt numb. Like I’d gotten a root canal on an upper front tooth, but several hours ago, and novocaine hadn’t worn off yet.

It was the numb face that prompted me to call. If it had just been the floaters that went away I wouldn’t have worried, but the numb face freaked me out.

When the advice nurse asked for my current address, and whether or not I was alone, I knew what was coming next.

My mom took me to the ER and my dad brought me back to my car, which stayed at work. Luckily I was done teaching for the day, so I only missed a meeting.

I’m relieved it wasn’t anything serious. I’m concerned about the probably that it was a silent migraine because I’ve never had one before and I hope they don’t become commonplace. I guess I should be happy it just came with auras and numbness, but no pain.

Evidently both my sister and father have had these before. I had no idea. I guess I’ll be learning more about them.

I was back at work close to when I would have left for the day. I had missed my long block prep, which I had planned to use to get ready for the big party I’m throwing tomorrow for the students who for blackouts on their free reading bingo boards. I hope I can get it all done tomorrow before lunch.

I’m tired and I’m supposed to get to bed early tonight. I hope the rest of the week is less eventful.

But…

It was a nice weekend, but I it wasn’t long enough.

I went to sparring and high belt class, but I felt nauseous after all the rolling we did so I didn’t stay for forms.

I found an amazing dress at a thrift store, but I can’t get the thrift store smell out (and I can’t stand the smell).

I finished and ordered the summer fun book in time to take advantage of the Memorial Day sale (which is a huge project that I’m so relieved to be done with), but I could have saved even more money with a coupon I didn’t see in the mail.

Saturday and Sunday were cloudy, windy and cold, but Monday was beautiful.

I did something I regret, but my husband showed me that I can be disappointed in myself, but still kind to myself, which was maybe exactly what I needed right now.

I did a lot of clean up around the house, but the reason I had to do the clean up was annoying.

I prepped a lot of big events I have coming up, but there is always more prep to be done!

My kids are really excited for the end of the school year (this Friday for them), but transitions are hard and they are struggling with some big feelings right now.

My daughter is about to turn 13 and she’s amazing, but 13 is a hard year and the feelings are so, SO BIG!

My husband emailed his GP about his depression, but he hasn’t filled out the survey they sent in response.

I’m back at work this morning, but there are only 13 school days left with students!

How is it only Thursday?!

This morning I put this on my daughter’s Bentgo box.

I was so sure it was Friday! The Bentgo box got all the way into her backpack before I realized my mistake.

I’m SOOOO looking forward to this long weekend. I really need the extra day.

And we have a minimum day tomorrow. Hooray!

The weather is still unseasonably cool – in the low 60s at work and the high 50s in the city – and while I’m pretty over it, I’m trying to remind myself that the kids would be even more out of their minds if it were warm right now. I should be thankful that it doesn’t feel like summer yet.

Because it’s not summer yet! I still have three weeks of school. I’m not sure how that is possible.

I’m struggling to find a book to get into. I’m listening to a lot of podcasts but I want to start a new book. And I can even decide what kind of book I’m in the mood for. It’s annoying.

Same with a TV show. Beef is so intense. It stresses me out. I’ve tried a couple things and nothing is quite what I’m looking for.

I think I’m just restless and antsy and I need to ride it out. Things will feel better in three weeks.

And tomorrow is finally – FINALLY! – Friday.

Struggle Care Sees Me

How is it only Tuesday?! Waaaah!

I found a new podcast called Struggle Care. It’s about changing the way you think about care tasks. She talks about the functionality of a space. Just figuring out what you need to do make a space work for you, even if it doesn’t look Insta-worthy. A neat space and a messy space are both morally neutral – the only thing that matters is making it work for you. I love that messaging. I need it. It meets me where I’m at.

I read a lot of VERY high functioning people. And I’m sure I seem very high functioning myself. But my house is always and disaster and my classroom is too. My ADHD shows up the most in the executive functioning required to keep my spaces functional. To have someone remind me that my self worth is not reflected in the spaces around me… it’s powerful.

The creator of Struggle Care – KC Davis – has ADHD. She was only diagnosed recently and it’s interesting to hear her reflect on her past mental health struggles through the lens of her new diagnosis. I see a lot of myself in her. I attribute a great many of my mental health struggles in high school, college and my 20s to my undiagnosed ADHD. Starting medication was such a positive step in my life.

She talks about the social challenges of ADHD too. I still struggle with that stuff so much. When someone asks how I’m doing I have to remind myself to ask them back, instead of just talking about myself. It’s literally a little note that pops up in my brain. Ask them about their summer too! I’m 42 and it doesn’t come naturally me.

I have to watch myself so carefully when I’m talking with others, to make sure I ask questions and give them the time and space to answer. It’s exhausting, policing my interactions constantly. I used to think I was an extrovert but I feel more introverted all the time, and I wonder if it’s because it’s so hard for me to participate in social interactions, now that I’m more aware of all the things I need to work on. It just requires an insane amount of my brain to have a regular adult conversation.

Anyway, it’s nice to feel seen. I always wonder why certain blogs or podcasts rub me a bit raw and I think it’s just the disconnect between their neurotypical existence and my neurodivergent experience. It doesn’t quite click for me because we experience things so differently. It’s nice to listen to someone who clearly experiences most things in ways I recognize.

Today was my first Open House since 2019! I’ve spent over a week cleaning up my classroom. It’s been excruciating. But today I finally got my desks looking like this. I hope I can keep them this way for a little while at least.

My actual desk. I haven’t seen it like this since schools started. It’s usually ENTIRELY covered in crap. Like piles and piles of papers and books and other shit.
My teaching desk. This is where I sit to teach and there is usually space for my computer, but all around is usually covered in clutter.

I have literally been working on clearing off both these spaces, plus a low table next to the teaching desk that is usually home to towering piles of papers, and clipboards and books, for weeks. It took so much work to get them cleared off. I mentioned it to a couple other teachers and they didn’t quite get it. They were like, I had the kids help me clean up today. But students can’t help you clean up your own messes. In my classroom, I create as much chaos, if not more, than the students.

I was at work for almost 12 hours today. I got home and my husband left for a concert. I’m so tired and I still have stuff to do before I can go to bed.

So I’m going to go do that stuff.

I’m looking forward to walking into that clean classroom tomorrow…

Weekend Recap

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

  • Assisted for kids’ test prep.
  • Got some work done.
  • Ironed my son’s white Ki.
  • Remade and sent evite for daughter’s party (first one was a premium design – no thanks!)
  • Watched two episodes of The Other Two with the husband (the third season is stellar so far).
  • Had a couple drinks. 😉

SATURDAY

  • Did my Saturday morning chores.
  • Ran two loads of laundry.
  • Assisted for (3.5 HOUR!) kids’ test.
  • Watched my son rock his super hard form and kill it on his board breaks.
  • Took him to a birthday party at Dave and Busters.
  • Walked around the mall.
  • Picked up my Rx at Kaiser (it was ready in 24 hours this time! Hooray!)
  • Got tamales and other party supplies at Costco.
  • Worked out (ordered husband some jeans and wrote blog post while on elliptical)
  • Hosted son’s friend for sleep over.
  • Watched Quantumania with the boys.
  • Finished Andor while my husband played The Legend of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom (if you have any show suggestions, I think I’ll be watching stuff on my own for a while…).

SUNDAY

  • Slept in until 8am!
  • Made pancakes for the boys.
  • Did more chores.
  • Took the bearded dragon out for his bath.
  • Walked son’s friend home and hit up the library on the way back.
  • Helped daughter do her laundry.
  • Helped kids do their chores.
  • Ordered supplies for daughter’s birthday party.
  • Did more laundry.
  • Edited all the video skits together by period.
  • Worked out.
  • Watched an episode of Lockwood & Co with the family.
  • Scored Digital Portfolios while I watched first episode of Beef (it might be too stressful to watch while I’m working…)
  • Finished Jenny Odell’s Saving Time (I liked it! I may write more about it later but I’m pretty bad at that.)
  • Went to bed too late (after midnight).

Highs and lows this week

HIGHS

Monday I had dinner with some high school friends. I haven’t seen them in a while and it was really nice to catch up. We met at the restaurant at 6:30 and didn’t leave until 9pm! I also met one of them before for a walk. She and I are going to try to keep walking regularly, though summer is the worst time for me to start something like that.

I took off Tuesday to spend the morning with my niece and nephew at the Academy of Sciences. I was trying to give my MIL a break, but she came with us. We got there at 8:30am for Member’s Hour and it was practically empty. By the time the schools showed up at 10:30 they were almost ready to leave. We headed out around 11am. It was really fun; I’m glad I got to to see them.

I went for a run in Golden Gate park after we walked home. The weather was relatively nice. I appreciated having that time, because I couldn’t make the class at the dojo on Wednesday.

We got to see our daughter in action at school on Wednesday night. We got to see her robot make the rounds, and some of her art up at the end-of-the-year STEAM night. She has a really good group of friends and I’m so happy for her. I struggled socially in middle school, so I don’t take for granted how happy and secure she feels with her many friends.

I got A LOT done at work this week. Looking back on it all it was a nuts amount of stuff, and I felt incredibly underwater Thursday and Friday, but it did all get done.

I finally got to see the electives response sheet and my numbers for next year are big. REALLY BIG. There are 70 7th graders that want to take Spanish 1A next year. 50 of them picked at their only elective! (20 of them will only take it if they can take zero period, most of them chose Band or Orchestra first). If that many 7th graders take 1A next year we’ll definitely have enough interest in 1B to fill two classes. This year I have 38 students interested in 1B but we can only fit 34 (and I would prefer to cap it at 32). I hate turning kids away, so I’m happy we won’t have to next year. Having said that, I could possibly have 120 7th and 8th graders across four classes. (I will also have a 6th grade section with two sets of 28ish kids that I’ll see at the first and second half of the year). That is A LOT OF KIDS. I’ve already struggled to run my free reading program with 98 kids this year. Another 20 kids would be a lot to manage. This really might be a case of “be careful what you wish for.” We shall see.

Speaking of my free reading program, I bought the tamales and a few more prizes for the party that the FORTY SIX students who blacked out their free reading bingo boards earned, and I think I’m only going to end up spending about $150 of my own money on the event. This is honestly much lower than I had feared.

And speaking of spending money on events, we finally reserved the park tables and sent out the evites for our daughter’s birthday party in early June. A few kids can’t come because it’s a week after their school is out – she’s feeling pretty bummed about that – but a lot of kids can come and I’m sure it will be a good time. We’re going to have a make your own boba tea station and a bracelet making station. Also bagels (it’s from 2:30-4:30 so we don’t have to feed them a meal). I was really struggling to figure out how to put this together so I’m relieved that most of the planning is done. I even have more of the supplies picked out, I just need to clear them with my daughter.

I assisted at my son’s belt test this morning. It was 3.5 hours long (32 kids tested!) and they were really grateful to have me on the mat. I even got to spar with the kids, and I held boards for breaking. My son was testing for a black stripe on his red belt. I missed his big red belt test last year (exactly a year ago last week!) because I was the first one in our family to get Covid), so it was really nice to participate this time. It’s a big deal that he (and three other kids) have red belts – it takes a really long time to get that high. I’m really proud of him.

That is a lot of highs! I guess it was a pretty good week!

LOWS

I didn’t get to go to a class at the dojo this week. There just wasn’t a time that worked. I’m really hoping to go twice next week.

That sour taste from that Wednesday at work lingered. On Thursday and Friday I was feeling REALLY underwater. Like drowning. But I did get everything I needed to get done by Friday, which means next week might be okay.

My classroom is not even close to ready for the Celebration of Learning (which takes place this coming Tuesday). It’s definitely no it’s way, but I know the final push always takes 3-4x longer than I think it will. I’m going to have to stay on Monday to get most of it done, because I’ve spent too many hours before previous Open Houses just throwing shit into Costco bags and hiding them in hall behind the science classes. I really don’t want to do that this year (though I have my own little storage closet in my room – it doesn’t belong to me but I could put stuff back there for just one night)…

My husband continues to struggle with what we’re pretty sure is clinical depression. He says he’s going to take steps to see someone, but I know that will be really hard for him. And I’m way too underwater to help him with it right now. Next month I can start looking into what our insurance covers. In the meantime, it’s lonely living with someone who is sad all the time. Lonely and exhausting. Some days are better than others, and I really try to savor those. On the bad days I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. I can’t guarantee myself that things will get better, but they probably will.

There are still FOUR WEEKS OF SCHOOL! HOW?! The next two weeks will be stressful and busy; the Celebration of Learning is next week and that party I mentioned is the week after. The final two weeks should be okay. My daughter’s birthday party is the Sunday before my last week of school. WHY?!?!?!?

My lows list is a lot shorter than my highs list. And last week felt really stressful! Maybe I should write a high and low list every week, to help put things in perspective.