Not a Wasted Word

I’m not very good at goals. I was thinking. maybe my goal for 2023 should be to get better at articulating goals and then checking in on my progress with them. So my goal for this year would be… to get better at goals?

Blerg.

The good news is there isn’t a lot about my life I’d like to work on. That is a positive! There was a time when I would spend this part of the year lamenting how much weight I’d gained, and devising strategies to lose it. But this year I’m not worried about that. I have definitely gained some weight, but as long as my clothes still fit I’m refusing to get on the scale to see exactly how much I’ve gained. I think, in the absence of old Halloween candy and holiday treats, I’ll stabilize again.

I do want to test for my blue belt before summer, but I have a community at the dojo to help me with that goal.

Professionally I have no goals right now, which strikes a part of me as sad, but not a very big part of me. I’m trying to embrace the general satisfaction I feel at work, and to not think too much about my lack of ambition.

I guess the one thing I want to get better at is planning, in my personal life. I am VERY good at planning at work – sitting down with my teaching planner is one of the ways I calm myself when things feel especially hectic. I always have a general idea of what I’m going to do for the coming month (in each class) and every Thursday and Friday I spend time writing out detailed lessons for the next week.

But my personal life is not like that. I do use a personal planner now (this is the second school year I’ve used it) and it definitely helps, but I’m not taking full advantage of it. It even has a space at the top of every month and each week to articulate goals, and reflect on what I did well and what I could work on, but I only sometimes fill those parts out. I’m just not very good at long term planning in my personal life. I kind of let external forces drive a lot of timelines (like I start thinking about summer in early March, so I am ready for the Rec and Park summer camp sign up on the second or third Saturday), which works well enough but doesn’t provide much satisfaction.

When my kids were younger, these systems (or lack thereof) worked well enough. We couldn’t do much with them, travel wise, and we mostly just looked for camps that would help them kill the summer hours. And then the pandemic happened, right when that would have changed. And now they are older and suddenly everything seems to need more forethought.

Maybe my goal should be to meet with my husband once a month to talk about what is coming up and decide who will do what. Maybe that change would be enough.

I also want to get my kids into the habit of doing their chores without so much reminding. Focusing on that would be provide dividends that would compound naturally.

And of course there is money. I always want to get better with my money, because the truth is I’m not intentional about it at all. I don’t think I would say I’m bad with money, but I believe I’ve gotten this far without ever paying interest on a credit card because of privilege and luck (just another way to say privilege in this context), and really nothing else. But I don’t want to teach that mindset around money to my kids. And we’re finally at a place financially, where it’s clear that if I were more intentional with my spending, it could really make a difference.

We have big trips we want to take with the kids in the next few years, trips that right now feel prohibitively expensive. But I don’t think they have to be, if we plan for them. So far our international travel has been geared toward affordability, but as the kids get older and we can count on one hand the number of summers are daughter will reliably be home, I’m realizing that if I want to take them to Hong Kong (where I grew up) or Japan (where they want to go) or Australia (on everyone’s bucket list) or Spain, we’re going to have to have WAY more money saved.

Camps are also much more expensive, and not just because Rec and Park opens priority registration to kids in need early, which leaves almost no spots for middle class families in mid-March. My kids actually want to try new things at camp, like baseball and basketball for our son and art for our daughter. And those kinds of camps are $600+/week, instead of the $200/wk we were spending before the pandemic. Even if my kids just do four weeks of camp each, that is a $3.5K+ price tag! If we want to go to St. Louis AND anywhere else, we’re talking $10K+ a summer (much more if we manage a big international trip).

We also have to rent a car in St. Louis now, which means that trip costs an extra $1K. And my daughter wants to try a week of sleep-away camp, which will be three times more than a week of day camp. It all adds up.

Again, we have the means to do a lot of what we want, but only if we’re spending intentionally.

I’ve already talked to my husband about setting up monthly meetings, where we can have a couple drinks and review our spending. The good news is my husband doesn’t spend much, so I could make big changes without his participation. The bad news is, that means it primarily falls on me.

So I guess that will be my main goal: intentional spending. Which hopefully will lead, eventually, to financial intelligence. I’m (re)reading Your Money or Your Life (which I bought year(s?!) ago and never finished), which should help. The thing is I’m not the kind of person who wants to buy a car every few years, or dreams of upgrading her house (we joke we’ll stay in this one until they wheel us to the assisted living center two blocks away). We don’t even splurge on vacations (you may remember we only went to Hawaii this summer because we had a(n almost) free place to stay and the airfare and car rental were incredibly cheap).

So many of the examples of unnecessary indulgence in the book don’t apply to us, but we absolutely have too much stuff. And it was my credit card that purchased most of it. Those relatively small purchases add up. I know that being more discerning with my spending would make a difference, possibly a really large one.

And now I have actual financial goals to work toward. I never felt a particular draw to FIRE, and we’ve always been so fortunate to be able to live within our means (at least since our son left childcare, that has been relatively easy). I do stress some about college (okay a lot) but that feels like such a giant price tag that daily decisions couldn’t really touch it (of course they could, but it never felt like that enough for me). So now that I have actual vacations I want to be ready for, I think foregoing little daily doses of consumer pick-me-ups will be easier to forego.

It seems like meeting with my husband once a month is the first step. We could talk them about spending (and I’d have that meeting to hold me accountable), and how the kids’ chores are doing, and the general state of our lives.

It’s already January 3rd and I’m fighting something inside myself to sit down here.

The only thing I know for certain is that there will be no New Years post in this corner of the internet. At least I don’t think there will be. And I want to write it out, and put it into the world, if only to absolve myself of my own expectations.

Things with my friend have been hard. And heartbreaking. It’s hurt me and hurt my marriage. I’m feeling pretty lost and alone.

But I took today to recoup. And I’m feeling a little better.

I’m going to step away from the situation with my friend for a couple days. It’s clear to me now that I cannot help him. It’s just beyond me. And it doesn’t help anyone, least of all him, for me to let myself get taken down with him and his mental illness.

So that is where I am at. And I wanted to check in and let people know that I’m okay. Or I will be.

I’m so thankful my break is not over yet. I really need the next three days.

I’m assuming this post will be all over the place. Because that is where my brain is at.

I’m currently on the elliptical. My kids are on the pullout couch bed next to me, reading. I pulled the couch bed out this morning because tomorrow my husband and I need to sleep on it (we have friends staying over) and I figured I might as well let the kids hang out on it for a couple days. We had it out for a week during our Covid quarantine, so it brings back memories of lazy days. It’s also just a little different, and sometimes that can go a long way.

This morning they played video games on it. For several hours. It’s raining outside and I declared it a “stay home and chill day,” which we all need. I’m getting the house ready for our friends to stay over. This means a big(gish) clean – vacuuming under the furniture and such. The good news is the upstairs was already in good shape (thank you kittens!) and the kids’ rooms don’t have to be presentable (thank you doors!). The other good news is the downstairs really needed it, so I’m glad I have a reason to get it done.

Our house is not very big, but it’s honestly all I can manage. I still sometimes read the blogs of other women who posts shots of their sprawling common areas, and beautiful master bed suites and get a pang of jealousy, but it usually passes pretty quickly because I know I couldn’t manage spaces like that. I’m sure those people have other people come and clean their spaces for them, and I aspire to one day have regular housecleaning services help me out, but even with help like that I know I couldn’t manage a 2,000 square foot home, let alone something in the 3,000+ square foot range. Our house is plenty big for our family and it’s plenty big for me and I honestly no longer understand the desire for more.

I’m sure it helps that my friends all have houses about the same size as mine. We all make about the same amount of money too. It makes things easy. It’s easy to relate to each other when we’re all coming from a common place. I think part of why I like to read blogs so much is to get an idea of what it’s like to live in a different way – a different part of the country, with different weather and cost of living. It’s also really interesting to read about what other jobs are like (my close friends and I all work for the feds, state or city so even that is, in the end, pretty similar).

I was just thinking it would be cool if there were a database of blogs that you could search across different aspects of one’s life. Geography. Profession. Income. With kids or without. Single or co-habitating. I wonder what I would specifically search for if I had the choice? Honestly, at this point it’s so hard to find any new blogs to follow, I’d probably want to read them all.

And… it’s taken me way more paragraphs than I expected to go there, but I can’t not write about it. My friend, the one who is having a mental health crisis, won their right to refuse medical advice and treatment. They were released yesterday morning. They are basically just as bad off as they were exactly one week ago when the crisis began. Why it was determined they are not a danger to themselves or others is beyond my comprehension. They are still hearing voices. They are still sure the End of Days is coming. They don’t even remember information about our shared past together accurately. It’s heartbreaking to see it happen. It’s heartbreaking to talk to them and ask to see them and be told, maybe in a few days. It’s heartbreaking to hear how scary their reality is.

It’s hard. Hard not to be able to help. Hard to start putting things in motion for someone to watch my kids, only to realize it’s not necessary. At it’s least upsetting it’s disruptive and distracting. At it’s most upsetting it’s sob-inducing. But life goes on and there is nothing I can do. I’m the only one of his friends and family in the area though, so I’m left shouldering a lot.

The friend who is staying over tomorrow is one of their friends and I’m so relieved to have someone here who understands how hard this is. It’s been putting a big strain on my marriage (I want to write another post about how different people process the mental health crises of others later), and I know having my other friend here will be like having a salve for my soul. I think this friend feels the same way (and that all of this is straining their relationship in similar ways).

But since I can’t do much except try to push away the feelings of hopelessness and grief, I clean my house and tend to my children. The new year is coming and I know it’s a time of looking forward and planning and setting goals. And I want to do all that, but I also can’t right now. I just don’t have the mental capacity. Instead I’m trying to focus on what I need and giving myself those things. I’m also asking for help.

I do think one thing I want to focus on in 2023 is asking for help, specifically from my family. Yesterday my kids helped me clean out my car, and honestly they did the heavy lifting themselves. They vacuumed the floors and scrubbed the rubber foot mats to my satisfaction (and then some). My son can legitimately clean the upstairs toilet and my daughter empties the dishwasher every time (among other things). There are more things they can do (and already do), and I’m going to start having them do more (and not follow along after them doing things again). I’ve already talked to them about a couple kitten-related chores I need them to start managing. My husband is also willing to take on more around the house, and I’m brainstorming a list of tasks to hand over to him (at his request).

I’m also going to put reminders on their tablets, so they will hopefully do them without me asking. The biggest barrier to my kids helping around the house is the nagging needed to have them do it. We definitely need better systems in place to make their tasks habits.

I started to write about other things I want to focus on in 2023, but I think I have enough for a separate post and since this post was already two or three different posts mashed into one, I’ll stop here.

Sending warm thoughts into the world. For my friend, and anyone else who is lost and hurting right now.

{I started this on Christmas Day but I’m just getting it up now. It’s been that kind of break.}

Since we had kids, Christmas Day has vexed me. We are so lucky to have both sets of grandparents close by, which is generally amazing, but can make holidays a little tricky to navigate. My in-laws are usually gracious enough to cede prime-time holiday hours to my parents, but on Christmas we always want to see both. What ended up becoming our tradition was a Christmas Eve visit at my parents’ house, followed by Christmas morning at my in-laws (after sleeping at home) and then Christmas afternoon with my parents.

This arrangement has made for a really frenetic and intense Christmas Day.

But this year I asked my husband if I could go for a run at the end of our stay at his parents’ house. They live by Golden Gate Park and it would be super easy to get in a 30-45 minute run. He said that was fine, so I brought my running gear and at noon I headed out.

It was so nice to get out in the fresh air (I even felt the sun on my face for a mile or two) and to get a break from the expectations of the holiday. I got back right in time to pack up the car, and I showered at home while my husband fed the kittens.

I think I may just make an afternoon run my new Christmas tradition. We’ll see if I can make it stick.

This week has not been what I expected. I absolutely just need Christmas Day to be behind me, and soon it will be. In the meantime I’m trying to spread out the excitement, because my kids are losing their minds waiting and revealing everything on the same day will be too much. So today we’re celebrating Meowy Catmas. We won’t be with the kittens much tomorrow, so I’m glad they are getting all their presents today.

I got the kittens each a stocking at Target when they went on clearance. We open all presents at the grandparents’ houses so we don’t even have stockings at our house. It was fun to have a couple up this year, even if it was just for a week.

The little one in the middle is for the bearded dragon, who admittedly has been shortchanged on attention since the kittens came.

I built this last night. It’s also an early Xmas present for my son, because it will go in his bedroom.

Lynx loves this new tunnel. Panther isn’t so sure.

They also got a bunch of stocking stuffers. I definitely went overboard, but they also actually play with these things. Our old cat was not interested in anything really, so I haven’t bought a cat toy in 10 years. It’s fun to pick things out for cats that will actually play with them.

See! They love this stuff!

These kittens are nuts and they have turned our lives totally upside down. They are absolutely the biggest reason I’m so exhausted right now. But they are also awesome and we love them so much.

Meowy Catmas, every mew.

On Wednesday my friend texted asking if I’d heard from another friend who was up in Bay Area but missing. They had abandoned their car on the side of the road on Monday and it had been impounded. They were leaving disturbing voicemails on their friends’ phones, but wouldn’t pick up when friends’ called them. Maybe they will call you, my friend said. Since you’re the only one who still lives in the Bay.

They texted me (incoherently) that afternoon and I immediately called them back.

What followed was one of the most traumatic and upsetting evenings I’ve experienced in a long time. I spent over two hours driving around the airport trying to get my friend to tell me where they were. They kept saying Jesus was guiding me and I’d be there soon. As it became evident I was not arriving like they hoped, they because agitated and started saying disturbing things. Things that made me feel unsafe. Initially I had hoped to meet them in a public place and have law enforcement come to help. By the end I hoped to get eyes on them so I could relay their location to the authorities (their parents had reported them missing as soon as they could – 48 hours after the car was impounded).

In the end it didn’t matter because I never did find them. I just ended up driving home, in tears.

Nine of their friends went to work calling hotels and motels in the areas around where they had me driving, to no avail. We went to bed that night hoping they didn’t hurt themself or others while we slept.

I did not really sleep.

Thursday at work was horrible. My friend was posting threatening things on Instagram, but even that, coupled with what they had said to me the night before was not enough for police to ping their phone to find them.

A couple people were able to get a hold of them, but they couldn’t respond coherently to requests. We couldn’t figure out where they were, but it seemed like they were still in the Bay Area.

This morning their parents called me to say they has been arrested and were being taken to the hospital. They wouldn’t leave aconvenience store so the owner called the police. The police will not release them because of their mental state, so they will be 5150ed.

I am the local contact since I’m the only one who is up here right now. Their parents will be flying up from LA soon. I may be getting their car out of impound, but only if they hand over their keys voluntarily.

It’s been a lot. I am exhausted and devastated.

This friend was a really good friend of mine. In college, when I was kind of a mess, this friend was always there for me. We traveled around Europe together our junior years, when they were studying abroad in Florence and I was in Spain. I wasn’t always the easiest person to be around back then, but they were always there for me. They were always kind, and never judgemental. We’ve continued to be there for each other as adults too. Our birthdays are five days apart and we celebrated together a lot in our 20s.

I am so devastated that this is happening to them. Psychosis is not something one just bounces back from, even with the right meds (and they have stopped taking their meds before). I don’t understand how someone I know and love can become someone else entirely. It feels like, if it could happen to them, it could happen to anyone.

They have parents that love and support them. They have money and resources (and parents that have more of both). They have friends who care and are willing to help. And ultimately none of it will matter, because mental health is not a priority in this country and we don’t have the systems in place to truly help people having sustained, severe mental health crises.

They will be held and medicated until they are stabilized, but then they will be released and left to their own devices. And this will probably all happen again.

I want to write more but I’m tired. This has been such a drain on me mentally and emotionally. I’m glad they are relatively safe now and hopefully will be getting the help they need. I hope….

I woke up early today, but I’m getting a ride to school (so my husband can take our son to Dave and Buster’s for half-off games Wednesday), so I can’t leave early. Instead I’m sitting in front of the heater, negotiating the many bandaids I have on my finger tips to help heal the skin fissures that refuse to close to tap out this post on my phone.

And now I’m also negotiating kittens.

Well the heater turned off and my sweater was done in the dryer so now I’m sitting in front of the heater (it came on again) but fully dressed and with my coffee ready to go too. I really love heaters. We didn’t have any heat for a couple years, when our heater broke and we were too financially strapped to fix it. Those years were rough. It was so cold at night and rarely got over 60* during the days.

I know it never gets truly cold here but our houses are also not built for the cold. We don’t have the insulation needed to trap heat. Our doors and windows are old and drafty. My good friend, who is from Chicago assures me that we hang out in much colder houses here than they did growing up on the shore of frigid Lake Michigan. My visits to St. Louis at Christmas corroborate her story.

The thermostat at my school is forever set to “Holiday” so it’s a crap shoot what the temperature will be when I arrive. On Monday it was 50* in my room when I got there. It took 30 minutes to get it to 64*.

But at least we don’t have to teach with the windows and doors open. Maybe that would be a good idea with all the respiratory illness circulating, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It was so miserable last year. I am wearing a mask again this week, in an attempt to stay healthy for the holidays. Hopefully that will be enough.

My friend just texted that she’ll be here soon. Just two more school days.

Let’s do this.

Some happenings around here:

It’s been quite chilly – highs in the 40s – and I’m VERY glad we got our downstairs heater fixed in November. I’m also loving leg warmers, which actually keep my legs warm! It’s not just a clever name! I’ve been wearing them with my holiday leggings and Uggs almost every day.

It’s December 20th and I’m STILL AT SCHOOL. Tomorrow and Thursday are minimum days. Yesterday was supposed to be a regular day but a water main broke and they had to shut off the water at 11:30am so we had to dismiss students early. It was an absolute shit show, but I was relieved because I didn’t do any work over the weekend and realized when I walked into my classroom at 7:30am that I was kinda screwed. Not having to meet with my 5th or 6th periods helped me out.

The weekend was obviously not worked-filled. My parents took the kids on Saturday and my husband and I went out for dinner and drinks. Sunday we went to brunch and I wrapped presents before heading down to my parents’ house to join them at WinterFest, the holiday themed extravaganza at our theme park. It was VERY cold (36* by the time we left!) so we only lasted a few hours, but it was fun to see the lights and go on a few rides.

Monday I had to drag my ass to work at 7am, but as you read above, the day was short. I ran an errand on the way to my parents’ house, where I picked up my kids. Monday night I scored the tests and projects I had not gotten to over the weekend, so today at work was a lot better.

But it was still stressful because I had to attend a 504 meeting during 5th period, which was one of the classes we missed yesterday because of the water main break. So now that class is WAAAAAY behind. I’m not sure if I want to scramble to get them caught up of just say fuck it and figure it out in January. (I’m leaning toward the latter, mostly because five kids were out last week and have some portion of their big assessment to make up).

Tonight I’m going to sparring, which I’m excited about. My husband rocked it hosting my son’s friend and then my daughter’s friends and now he is totally wiped, but he’s still telling me I should go to sparring, so I’m going to go. I need some time away from my house and family and the dojo is closed the rest of the break.

Tomorrow is our holiday party at school. Thursday we get out early and I may run after work. My husband is taking the the rest of the week off, and we may hit up a museum on Friday. Honestly, I’m tired and I just want to get the weekend over with. I’m ready to be done with Christmas, but I always feel that way right before it finally happens.

How are you doing? What’s happening around your parts?

I’m not quite sure where head’s at these days. I feel most days I go to sleep sure I’m going to wake up sick, with my ears aching and my throat twingy, but sickness never comes. I’m tired all the time. I have a headache I can’t get rid of. I just want to crawl into a hole.

This afternoon I’m meeting with friends for dinner,. and it’s all I can do not to cancel and stay home, curled up on the couch. If my kids weren’t at home requiring things of me, I’d probably do that.

My kids start their winter break this afternoon. My district doesn’t start until next Thursday afternoon. We haven’t had different winter breaks ever, not in the eight years my daughter has been in school. It sucks when Christmas falls on a weekend.

I remember once when it fell on a weekend we had a Wednesday to Wednesday break. IT WAS AWFUL. We lost one of the weekends so it felt extra short. Tons of kids were out on the Monday and Tuesday before and the Thursday and Friday after. Those of us that stayed felt like suckers.

So I’m glad we’re not doing that. There’s always a silver lining right?

And honestly. I appreciate having more time off after the holidays. I remember last year Christmas was on Saturday and we had the week before off and I didn’t like all that down time before Christmas. I kept thinking I should go get more presents, even though we definitely didn’t need them. But I don’t travel, so I understand why having the week (or at least some days) before is important.

My husband is taking multiple days off. And grandparents are helping. It’s only four days, and we’ll make it work. But it’s weird and next week is going to feel interminable. There won’t be any kids at school and a ton of teachers are out too. It won’t be fun.

I think I have all my presents at home or ordered. I think I’m pretty much ready to go. But whenever I think of this break I feel stressed. I don’t anticipate returning to work refreshed, but maybe with four days of my kids in school and me off, I will regain my footing.

There is so much going around right now though, it feels like if we all stay healthy (or healthy enough) it will be a miracle. I’m definitely wearing a mask at school next week. I’m not sure it will be enough.

So many gift cards! So much $$$$! But teachers need it, especially the teachers at my kids’ schools so it’s what we do every year.

So… for today’s post it’s…kittens! For real though these kittens are so nuts. They are just out of there fuzzy little heads.