Not a Wasted Word

I chaperoned my son’s field trip to the Exploratorium today. It ended up being a pretty nice, low key couple of hours. I’m glad I went. I promised him one chaperoned field trip last year and then in the end I didn’t do it. I forget what happened, but I felt really bad about it. So I’m really glad to be done with it so early this year. And the Exploratorium is definitely the best field trip of the year. It’s a really great location and it costs a fortune so my family rarely goes.

I was home by 2pm (his grandparents took him after school) and I went for a run because the day was beautiful after yesterday’s rain. It was chilly, but it felt great to be in the sun.

The afternoon was kind of frustrating, and now I’m exhausted but I can’t yet go to bed. Tomorrow I’m subbing during my one long block prep, which is going to SUCK. I almost never offer to cover during my prep, especially not on the block days (when classes are 75 minutes long), but I know other people had to cover me today, so it felt like I couldn’t ignore the request tomorrow, especially since I didn’t really have to be out. If I were sick I wouldn’t feel like I needed to make up for it, but since it was my choice to chaperone my kid’s field trip it felt like I should step up tomorrow.

It sucks to be so tired and to know that the next day you’ll be just as tired again, probably even more tired.

Thank god tomorrow is the end of the work week. That is the only thing keeping me going.

{Being away from work is such a massive pain in the ass. Helping cover when other people are out from work is also such a pain in the ass. It’s absolutely my least favorite part of teaching. I hate it so much.}

*Not nearly as fun to say as Spring has sprung .

It got “cold” last week. I use parenthesis because it’s never cold here in SF. But it got “cold” for us.

Today it never got out of the mid-50’s, which is quite chilly for this temperature climate. It also rained! Most of the day! That is always newsworthy in these parts, but especially now.

Today I was remembering that last year we had to leave all the windows and doors open all winter. The heater was blasting all day but it never got warm. I was so cold last winter at work. So, so cold. It really started to get to me. I’m SO GLAD we are not doing that anymore. I hope the variants don’t go haywire and require a return to the bullshit ventilation techniques that public schools employ. Why update the HVAC systems when you can just make people freeze their asses off all winter?

Anyway, I’ve only glanced at the NYT today. Instead, I’m focusing on how cold it feels. And how ready I am for this new season. And how glad I am that I can take refuge inside where it’s warmer this year.

Tomorrow is an important day in the US. It’s nerve wracking to wait to see what a few thousand people in states far from where I live will determine the future of this country. Our system is so broken. And it will never be fixed. And yet we keep showing up to vote. Even those of us whose votes truly don’t matter. We vote because the only thing worse than participating in a broken system is to not participate at all.

I am not ready for the next two years. I’m not ready for Trump to be a constant part of the national conversation again. I’m not ready for him to be the center of another election cycle. I’m not ready for him to be back on Twitter. I’m not ready for all the horrors the Supreme Court has in store. I’m not ready for the damage a Republican controlled Congress will do.

I feel like tomorrow is the start of another national nightmare. Instead of dwelling on it too much, I’ll try to make the Tetris game of lessons and assessments fit into the end of the trimester. Because that is what I can control.

Then I’ll go play some Two Dots.

THIS SATURDAY…

My daughter and I met my friend and her daughter at the mall. It was so nice to hang out with a friend. It’s been WAY too long. I really miss my friends actually, and while I’ve hosted a couple things with them this fall, no one else has been able to do the same, so we haven’t seen each other as much.

My son had a friend over. I know he really appreciated it too, so that was nice.

I watched some of the Black Belt test on zoom while scoring the final set of assessments. It was cool to watch people reach such an impressive goal.

I did a bunch of laundry and picked up around the house. We’ve been really good at keeping most surfaces clutter free since the 9yo’s birthday party, but the mess was starting to encroach in the shared spaces.

I worked out. It was just a short strength training video, but it was just what I needed.

THIS SUNDAY…

I made pancakes, both for breakfast and for my son’s lunches. I always kind of dread making a ton of pancakes, but this morning it was done fast.

My son went to a friend’s house for the first time. They had me come up and chat for a while when I dropped him off, which pushed by whole morning back, but I was happy my son finally got to hang out with this new friend.

I dropped four giant IKEA bags of clothing and (lightly worn) shoes off at the Salvation Army. It feels SO GOOD to have all of that out of the house.

We went to Alameda – the the pinball museum, the crazy toy store, the crazy soda/candy store and to eat. We’ve been meaning to go there again since our last trip (many, many months ago) and it was great to finally do it.

The kids made their lunches and did their chores.

It was a good weekend. I still feel like I’m kinda getting something, but that something never actually becomes a real cold. Maybe it is just allergies… which would suck because I’m years into my allergy shot regimen and if my allergies still make me feel low grade unwell all the time, it would be a huge bummer. My kids definitely seem to be sick a TON this year, especially my son, so maybe I’m doing that too? But I swear it’s like the first year of preschool! Worse even. My son ALWAYS is getting a cold, or in the middle of a cold, or recovering from a cold. The minute he starts to feel better the cycle starts again. Pandemic isolation really is the gift that keeps on giving.

This week at work will be a little crazy, especially since I’m taking Wednesday off to chaperone my son’s field trip to the Exploratorium. No one has picked up my sub request, which sucks, but what can I do? If I only take days off when my one friend will cover for me, I’ll never be able to take days (she travels A LOT). I hate knowing that my colleagues have to cover for me, but it’s not my fault the system is broken.

And of course Friday is a holiday! I’m so stoked Veterans Day falls on a weekend adjacent day this year. I remember being really annoyed when it was on a Thursday last year.

How was your weekend?

Tonight we fall back. Maybe for the last time? I used to always argue that we should stay in DST, but after reading articles about the implications of that possible reality, I changed my mind. And for real, it’s kind of a big deal (for me) because I had STRONG feelings about this. I vehemently supported spending the whole year in DST. Now I’m worried Biden will actually sign it and this really will be our last time falling back.

I do hate changing the clocks twice a year, but I obviously like falling back more than springing forward. I can always use an extra hour! And I’m ready for it to be a little lighter in the mornings. It’s been so dark when I drive to work at 6:45am.

So tonight I’m going to embrace falling back. Who knows, I may miss it some day.

It’s Friday night and I just spent an hour scoring assessments. It’s definitely not the way I wanted to start my weekend. But I realized at work that a project I punted to January can’t actually be punted and has to happen next week. So I spent all my prep time getting it ready, and not scoring the assessments that I didn’t get to last night.

The stack of assessments was stressing me out. I thought about them the whole time I was assisting at the dojo. They were weighing heavily on me, so I decided when I got home to sit down and score at least two classes’ worth.

It sucked to spend my first hours of weekend time at home score assessments, but I feel so much better now that they are done. I know I can knock out just one class pretty easily tomorrow.

Sometimes when I’m trying to decide how to spend my time, I have to take into consideration how doing (or not doing) something will make me feel. It sucked to sit down and score those assessments at 7pm on a Friday night, but it would have sucked to go to bed with three classes’ worth weighing on my mind. Which would have sucked more, doing it or not getting it done? I don’t know, but I’m pretty pleased with my choice.

And now to really start the weekend…

I had all manner of plans for tonight, the biggest one was scoring my students’ assessments. But instead I spent the evening helping my daughter identify and finish missing assignments, because evidently their grading period ends tomorrow.

It’s so hard to guide an ADHD child through middle school. And I’m a middle school teacher! I should know all the tricks of the trade but instead, when it’s time for me to help my own kid, I just feel exhausted from helping my students all day. I’m swimming in middle school hormones and attitude literally all day. It’s as challenging as you might imagine.

She is figuring it out. And learning a lot about how to manage different teachers with different policies and procedures. These hard, sometimes painful lessons will serve her well in high school and beyond. But right now it really sucks.

And it’s exhausting.

I also think I’m coming down with something. My ears hurt and my throat is twitchy. I’ll probably wear a mask tomorrow even if I test negative.

Im glad we have almost no plans this weekend. I need to rest and recharge.

And score those assessments.

Yes, yes I do.

And I play them ALL THE TIME.

I am on a level of Two Dots that I refuse to publish here. If I did the math, and multiplied the level I’m on by 3 minutes (a conservative estimate of the average time a level takes to beat a level) I would get an obscenely high number. It boggles the mind how much of my life I’ve spent playing Two Dots.

I’ve also spent tons of time on Solitaire. And Wordscapes. And now I have two other puzzle games I play daily.

I don’t really watch TV much these days. And sometimes I listen to audiobooks while I play. But really, the amount of time I’m spending on phone games is… way more than I want to admit, to myself or others.

But I’m not doom scrolling my news feeds. So that is good. Maybe some puzzle games are not so bad…

You got games on your phone?

It’s November 1st, and blogging every day is a thing people do in November.

Shall I attempt it this year?

I do not yet know.

Today was a pretty good day. I used the students-finishing-Coco time really productively and got most of my Spanish 1B free reading materials prepped. Last year was the first year I did it, so I could use the same materials for 1A and 1B, but this year I needed something new for my 1B class and I spent several hours today getting that all ready. I am so pleased it’s almost done!

I was at aftercare to pick up my son by 4:15pm, but he wanted to stay later so I went home and worked out while watching the final 30 minutes of Stranger Things Season 2 with my daughter (I’ve already seen it so I was able to keep one Air Pod in and follow an exercise video while we watched). I was VERY pleased to use that weird 45 minutes so wisely, and was also excited that my son wanted to stay at after care (they were building a LEGO town and he’s been watching LEGO Masters so he wanted to stay and participate).

I got dinner going while I ran back to school to pick up my son, so it was ready when he got home. The kids watched some TV while I showered, and then my son took a bath while my daughter and I listened to our book (currently Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime). It really was an incredibly productive use of after work hours.

And now I should get a little prep done for work tomorrow.

Happy Day of the Dead tomorrow. I know I’ll be talking a few moments to remember those who are no longer with us. Maybe you can too.

I’ve been struggling to show up at martial arts lately. Part of the reason is that really I should be training for my next test, but when I think of how much I have to review and relearn (and learn for the first time!) I get totally overwhelmed and shut down, and if I’m not doing the hard work of preparing for my next test I’m just stuck on this plateau where I feel like I’m not making any real progress. The other main reason is that martial arts takes up a lot of time. With the bus ride both ways, its at least a 2.5 hour commitment, and if stay for sparring or a higher belt class it’s 3-3.5 hours. That’s a lot of time to be away from home even once a week, let alone twice. So when I’m trying to decide if I should go, I let the feelings about “fairness” in our marriage help me make the decision.

And man do I seem to have a lot of feelings about fairness in my marriage. I am ALWAYS mentally calculating how much time I’m asking for away from home, how frequently I’m asking my husband to cover a drop off or pick up that I usually do, where the tally stands on dishes, etc. This Saturday I left for martial arts at 10am, and wasn’t home until after 1pm, and then my husband took our son to get his flu shot (they both still needed it) and to get groceries at Trader Joe’s. This meant I got another two hours at home alone after I’d already been gone most of the morning. This really stressed me out, and instead of just parking my ass on the couch to watch some TV, I cleaned both the showers, and the rest of our bathroom too. I just felt like I needed to be doing something to make up for the fact that I got so much time to myself that day.

I can guarantee you my husband does not think like that.

So why do I? Is it just insidious patriarchal messaging, that I have readily assimilated for all these years, telling me that I NEED to show up in various ways at home and with my kids to be deemed WORTHY? Is it that I don’t think I deserve so much of my own time because I haven’t achieved certain goals (like a clean, clutter free home)? Is it just that I really appreciate all the ways my husband has stepped up since the pandemic and I don’t want to take him for granted? The latter would be the least problematic interpretation, but even if it were true, it would be tinged with sentiments from the first two.

It’s something I really need to work on. I do a lot for our family, and for years I did WAY more than my husband did. If there really were some kind of running tally I would be WAY ahead. And yet, when my husband gets up twice with our son on the weekends, I feel a lot of guilt, even though they play video games together, an activity that I do not participate in.

I did end up watching about 30 minutes of a show on Saturday, while I was folding the laundry. But I also mentioned to my husband (multiple times!) that I cleaned the showers (the upstairs shower was very much in need of a cleaning). I know my husband never mentions what he gets done when I am out with the kids, and I don’t expect him to! So I guess I just need to stop expecting myself to either.