Not a Wasted Word

Sorry for the long silence here. It’s been a whirlwind trip that doesn’t leave much time for writing. I’m really behind in reading blogs right now too.

We got into St. Louis last Monday (7/1). The travel day was great – everything felt quick and easy. We were at my uncle’s house by 4:30 and meeting with cousins at an outdoor beer garden by 5:30pm. We ended up staying there with people until after 8pm. It was a great first day.

Tuesday we met cousins at a community pool that has a water slide and diving boards. The kids played happily in the water for about four hours. My family showered there so we’d be ready for a BBQ with my mom’s (super giant) extended family. That evening was fun too; my kids really held their own despite the overwhelming amount of people that they didn’t really know but were really excited to see them.

Wednesday we spent several hours at the zoo before I picked my husband up from the airport and had dinner with my aunt and cousin. This is the cousin whose kids are my kids’ ages so that was fun.

We tried to go grocery shopping that night for the farm the next day, but the store was closing at 10pm so we didn’t have time. This meant we had to go on July 4th morning. Boo!

But we got there and grabbed what we needed and were on the road by 11:30am. This was an impressive feat, as we had to pack up our rooms entirely so my cousin could come stay at his parents’ house while we were at the farm.

The farm this year was so fun. It was just the best 2.5 days. Everyone had such a good time. I really do think we have a unique situation up there, where almost the entire extended family comes every summer on July 4th and enjoys each other’s company for almost 72 hours. There is no drama and no fights. We all just laugh and sing (literally – there is a giant karaoke night every year) and swim and eat and it’s such a good time. And I feel like every year that the kids (all the kids, not just mine) get older, it gets more enjoyable.

For those of you who are new to the blog, “the farm” is my uncle’s property about 1.5 hours west of St. Louis. It has a 9,000 square foot house that sleeps 23 people comfortably for three nights. There is a smaller house on the property that belongs to his eldest son, and his family of five stays there.

The house overlooks a 7 acre quarry lake that is 60-80 feet deep. It’s beautiful and serene and all ours to enjoy. It’s quite spectacular.

We spend most of our time at the farm swimming in the quarry. The water is deep and clear. There is a dock that the kids can jump off of and lost of floats and other fun stuff. There is nothing I love more than swimming in that quarry. It’s sublime.

The kids like to wear snorkel stuff and take pictures of the fish in the one shallow area. And we love to swim out into the middle of the lake and wave to the people at the main house.

There is also a creek on the property, and we always spend some time down there looking for cool rocks and artifacts. This year my cousin found a spear head! It’s not the first one that’s been found down there.

The whole area is beautiful, both the manicured areas around the house, and the wild expanses all around.

On the night of the 4th we set off fireworks by the fishing pond. My uncle buys hundreds of dollars worth of fire works and my cousin puts on quite a show. This year I helped set them off and it was a crazy time. I got to see how many there were and be right under them as went off.

We didn’t set off fireworks this year until July 5th, because a couple people came up a day late. They were worth the wait.

It’s hard to explain why I love the farm so much. I love seeing my cousins, who are good friends despite me always living far away. I love swimming in the fresh cool water. I love walking around the property, exploring the creek, gathering eggs from the chickens. I love the wonderful meals we eat (each of the three families makes dinner one night). I even love karaoke night, and I never sing! We just laugh so much and have such a good time. We all enjoy each other’s company, and have such a good time.

Each year I take over 3,000 photos and each night I go through them, finding the best ones. In the spring, I put them together into a photo book that I give to each family at our next get together. Every year we look through them, marveling at how little the kids were, and remembering the unique experiences that set each year apart. It’s such a special tradition, to come every summer on July 4th to be together and to have the very best time.

It’s truly my favorite weekend of the year. And it’s so bitter sweet when we leave.

I did not intend for my previous post to be the only post last week, but that is what happened. The rest of the KOA went well enough. I got a lot of good questions about it and while I did answer many briefly on the post (I’m responding to comments this summer!), I will write another post with more about the logistics of planning and executing the trip. This is my fourth time going and I’ve definitely learned a lot, which is why I felt like I could take 4-5 boys up there for a week!

We got home early Friday afternoon and I was pretty wiped. I did the bare minimum unpacking (I will admit that a lot more needs to be unpacked) and then let myself rest. I asked my husband if our son could go to his parents’ house and while he worried that might back fire (our son can be “in a mood” when he gets back from that level of indulgence), I was adamant that we (::cough:: I) needed a break from each other. It ended up being a good plan, and I got a lot more downtime for it.

I spent several hours at the dojo on Saturday. After, my daughter and I walked down to a comic book shop in the Mission to pick up a graphic novel she wanted. I haven’t seen her much this summer (she got back from DC right before I left for the KOA) and we really appreciated the one-on-one time with each other (this was another reason I wanted our son to spend the night with his grandparents). We chatted for the one hour walk and then got home and watched Hit Man with my husband. It was nice to hang out with just her for an afternoon.

Sunday morning my daughter and I watched Jeanie Finlay’s new film “Your Fat Friend,” a documentary about Aubrey Gordon, one of the hosts of Maintenance Phase which is my daughter and my favorite podcast. The movie was amazing and I’m so glad we thought to watch it before we left for our trip.

All weekend I did laundry and eventually I started packing. Packing took longer than I expected but I still had time to workout. I slept poorly (I almost always do the night before I travel), but I’ll be fine because my kids are old enough to do what they need to do when we fly now, so I really only have to sit in the airport and then on the plane.

Southwest never changed our direct flight to St. Louis (as they have so many times in the past) so we don’t even have a layover today! There is a new TSA area in Terminal 1 at SFO that no one seems to no about (but that a kind employee suggested we use) and we didn’t have to wait for our boarding passes to be checked or our luggage to get on the belts. It’s been a seamless experience so far! I really couldn’t be happier.

Hopefully the plane comes and we board quickly and we pick up our car in St. Louis without any trouble. Last year we got stuck in Minneapolis for several hours and didn’t land in St. Louis until after midnight. The next morning it took over two hours to pick up our car. I really hope this year we have a more positive experience. So far we’re on the right track!

I can’t believe it’s July 1st! I think of our summer in two-week increments and we’re already through the first two weeks (camping + KOA) and now we’re starting the second two weeks (St. Louis + Chicago) and then it’s on to the third two weeks (camps for the kids at home) before the final two weeks (Hawaii + down time before school starts). The summer will be over before I know it.

I’ll write more about “the farm” (our annual July 4th family reunion) soon!

And now some photos of cats, because at this point I’m mostly worried about missing them, and them missing us.

It’s Wednesday which means we’re half way through our KOA 2024 trip. But tonight two more boys come up (both had cancelled and then this morning I found out they both could come up today!) so there is anticipatory excitement among our crew.

For those of you who are new(ish) to the blog, this is my fourth summer trip to the KOA. The first trip was in 2021. I’m sure you remember that summer, when camp spots were impossible to secure and overnight camps were only offered for three week increments. My daughter and her friends were 10/11 years old that summer and had never been to a sleep-away camp, so three weeks felt like an intense way to start, especially after spending a whole year at home. So we decided to creat our own away-camp feel by spending 10 days at the Petaluma KOA. We got a big cabin and the moms traded off nights up there. All 8 of us were there for the weekend.

It was a super fun time, and we made a reservation for the next summer before we even left. In 2022 we rented a big cabin and a small cabin next to each other. We stayed for one week and all the moms were there for three nights. It was a blast.

Last year I brought up three girls and my son and his friend for three nights. We did not have a “biggest” cabin with the bunk beds which meant the boys had to sleep on a couch bed. This caused some disputes between the older girls and younger boys. It was not the best trip.

{In attempting to link to older posts about the KOA I’m realizing I haven’t written that much about our past trips. Interesting…}

This year the girls went to DC with two moms, so I brought up just the boys to the KOA for four nights. I am intent on making sure my son gets some of the great experiences my daughter gets because I’m friends with her friends’ moms, even thought I have not made an effort to befriend his friends’ families. This is one of those experiences.

The KOA is great because the kids can have a lot of freedom here. I have a “no device” rule so they have to find stuff to do. There is a pool (that allows float toys!) and a bounce pillow and a Gaga ball pit. The kids can ride bikes all over and roam around with walkie talkies and head lamps. I do let them watch a couple hours of TV a day and the KOA presents a movie every night that they sometimes want to watch. Otherwise they just hang out, putz around and play.

When I was kid I spent A LOT of time putzing around without adults. In Hong Kong (where I lived from ages 7 to 12) I was given a ton of freedom to hang out on the grounds of our apartment building without supervision. I also took public transportation all over the city alone and with friends. I want that kind of freedom and independence for my kids too, but it’s harder these days. The KOA gives them an opportunity to experience that “what should we do next?” laziness of unstructured days, and the freedom and independence to just jump on bikes without a destination in mind. I think that is so valuable and I’m so glad some of his friends were available to make the trip extra fun.

Of course, being with a lot of friends for a long period of time can also be challenging. We’ve already had one significant blow up. I hope we don’t have too many more.

And now it’s Wednesday night and I’m officially tired and officially ready to head home on Friday.

Thank goodness there are only 40ish more hours.

The camping trip ended up being fun. We spent the one full day at the tide pools and the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk which was a very nice way to spend the day. Having something really fun to do makes camping more enjoyable. Who would’ve thought!?

We hit up the tide pools at Natural Bridges State Beach. I had been there before (my sister is a UCSC alum) but many years ago. It was fun to go back.

I had never been to the tide pools before, and that is probably because you had to walk through a cute little community to get to them.

I asked my husband to look up the asking price for a spot here that was for sale and evidently you have to be 55+ to but property there. Something to keep in mind.

At the tide pools we saw lots of sea anemones and even a sea star.

We also saw lots of crabs. So. Many. Crabs. Luckily my son isn’t terrified of them anymore.

The tide pools at this spot were so deep. I heard you might even see an octopus, which I couldn’t understand until I saw them.

The rocks were so cool. I want to learn more about these patterns.

We headed back to the car around 11am so we could hit up the Boardwalk.

It was a beautiful day for the Boardwalk. Sunny and warm but not too hot. My son and I got black-out date season passes and my husband got a full day wrist band.

Our favorite ride was Space Race, which was giant circle bumper car things. We went on it three times. We just kept slamming into each other and laughing so hard. It was the best time.

We went on all the big rides, including the Giant Dipper, which turns 100 this year. Sadly I didn’t get a photo of it without us in it.

I haven’t been to the Beach Boardwalk since my kids were little. We went back to the littler kid section and rode all of my son’s favorites from when he was younger. It was a lot of fun.

On the way out we played a round of mini golf. We got a discount with our new season passes.

We headed back to the campsite pretty late for dinner. The days are so long right now, it is still broad daylight at 7pm.

We originally planned to stay three nights, but later decided we’d leave Friday without being worried about the 12pm check out time.

In the end we realized we didn’t need another full day, and we packed up and headed out by 11am.

I really liked this spot and would definitely come again. The trees were beautiful, as was the beach. Our son doesn’t love the beach and the water is freezing so we didn’t spend much time down there, but I’d love to return with my daughter one day.

We had tickets for a steam train through the redwoods at 1:30pm so we needed to kill some time. The ranger at the front gate recommended a state park nearby, which evidently was the epicenter of the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake.

The park was beautiful, but poorly marked and we ended up getting lost on our hike. I had to run 1.7 miles back to the car so we wouldn’t miss our steam train reservation.

The steam train was in Roaring Camp in Felton. It took about 30 minutes to get there and was on the way home.

The steam train uses recycled car oil and water. Lots and lots of water. It winds its way though an old growth forest, sometimes switchbacking forward and backward.

The train stopped at the top of a hill and we were able to get out and take some photos for about 10 mins.

There was a “fairy circle” at the stop. We heard a dad telling his kids that fairy circles are the results on one tree being struck by lightening or catching fire and dropping seed pods in a circle. Sure enough this one had a downed redwood in the middle.

At one point the steam train goes over a bridge in the redwoods. It’s very cool.

We headed home after this little adventure. We hit almost no traffic going home, and we never had to charge the car for this whole trip!

The weekend was pretty low key. Our son had swimming, our daughter got home from DC, I went to the dojo Sat morning and then met at our “master’s house for dinner and a belt test review (from that big test in April). I also did laundry, tons and tons of laundry. And packed for the KOA, which is where I am now. Only three boys came up today (including my son) because two of them got strep at an away camp and only one has already taken 24 hours worth of antibiotics. The fourth boy is coming tomorrow morning early and then the fifth is coming on Wednesday. We’re here until Friday.

Wish me luck! I’m sure I’ll post again before we leave.

I feel like summer break really started on Monday, because that was the first work day that I didn’t go to work. After a busy, somewhat stressful weekend, I was really looking forward to sleeping in on Monday. But there were high winds on Sunday and Monday morning the power went out several times. We have a monitor in our bedroom that allows us to hear what is going on upstairs, and every time the power went off the monitor loudly implored us to please put the device near the baby and keep any cords away. The first outage was at 5am, and I definitely didn’t fall back asleep before 7am. Eventually our son came to join us in bed and we all must have slept a little while longer because we didn’t get up until 8:30. Still, it wasn’t the restful first morning of summer that I’d been hoping for.

Monday we saw Inside Out 2, which I LOVED. I loved the first one and was very excited for the new one. It did not disappoint. The whole time I kept thinking, I am surrounded by this, at work and at home, every day of my life! No wonder I’m exhausted.

Monday evening I had to teach Basics at the dojo. As always I had been dreading it for a full week, and as always it wasn’t that bad. I hope I can avoid dreading it for the one time I’m teaching in July.

Tuesday morning I took my daughter, her friend and her friend’s mom (my friend) to the airport. I have three mom friends whose three daughters have been my daughter’s friends since Kindergarten. We do a lot together. And this week, two of the moms are taking all four daughters to DC for five days. One of the moms has access to a house there, but it’s small and it can barely fit the four girls and one adult, so only one other mom could go. I volunteered, but another friend had never been and she doesn’t get to travel much so I conceded the spot. I have already been to DC and I’m traveling this summer, plus my daughter can find me distracting when all eight of us hang out, so it definitely felt like the right move. I honestly hadn’t thought much about it until this past week as I helped my daughter pack for the trip. All weekend I was feeling bummed out that I couldn’t go. It is going to be a really fun trip, and I’m sad I won’t be a part of it.

It probably doesn’t help that yesterday we (my husband, son and I) headed down to New Brighton State Beach to camp. We specifically planned this while our daughter was gone because she is NOT a fan of camping. I don’t really love it either. It’s not that I hate it, but it’s SO MUCH WORK. It’s work to pack the car and it’s work while you’re camping and it’s work afterward. I never get to relax for even one minute and I feel like I’m dealing with all the stuff at home for WEEKS afterward.

This time we get home on Friday and then I leave Monday with my son and his friends for a (work) week at the KOA. So I’ll spend all weekend unpacking and then packing again. Same goes for the following weekend, because we leave for St. Louis on Monday, 7/1.

I have identified that this school year felt way too stressful for me because of all the travel we did (two camping trips included) and now I’m starting my summer camping and chaperoning my son and his friends at the KOA (glamping is a word one could use, it’s honestly maybe fancier than that). I’m not thrilled by this turn of events but I’m not sure how I could have avoided it. My daughter got to spend longer than this amount of time at the KOA with her friends for three summers. I don’t want my son to miss out just because I haven’t made an effort to befriend any of his friends’ moms. I don’t want my son, who is the second kid, to feel like he missed out on special things his sister got to do. I’m actively trying to avoid that with both the camping trip (he is the one who loves camping) and the KOA.

I really don’t know how to protect my own well being, while also meeting the needs of others.

I guess I need to lower expectations, both mine and others’.

UPDATE: We didn’t start packing, or really planning, the two days near Santa Cruz until yesterday morning, but we were able to get the car ready pretty quickly. I worked out and showered and we were on the road by 2:30pm.

Traffic was rough and it took 2.5 hours to get down to the camp site – a full hour more than it should have – but otherwise the day has gone pretty well. Tuesday and this morning were pretty chill. I even had time to get some nagging tasks done.

I think part of the reason it went well is our daughter is not joining. She really dislikes the inability to shower while camping and it’s a lot of work to manage her anxiety before, and during, a camping trip. It’s also easier to plan and pack for just three people instead of four; we didn’t have to put the cargo carrier on the hitch this time. Finally, this camping trip is near cities and towns, so we can easily get supplies if we need them. We’re not eating all our meals at the camp site, and we’re even planning on hitting up the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk today. Camping is a less daunting proposition when you don’t have to wonder how your energetic 10yo son will pass the time.

I meant to post this yesterday, but I was scolded every time I looked at my phone. So I’m posting it this morning. I slept… well enough I suppose. And today we’re visiting tide pools and going to the boardwalk, which I love. I’m trying hard to be in the moment and find the rest when I can. Ultimately I recognize this is less stressful than being on the DC trip, which would have involved intense experiences with lots of people 24 hours a day for several days. I have to do that in St. Louis so it’s best I’m not doing it before hand too. That kind of trip really wears me out.

Anyway, I guess I just took us all on that emotional journey. You’re welcome. 🤣 I guess what I learned, again, is that you can be sad to miss something even when you know it’s best that you missed it. Both can be true.

Also, please enjoy these beautiful views of the ocean from your campgrounds.

I ran at my regular spot, and for the regular distance. I ran without walking intervals. I ran like I used to run, before I got hurt.

The only thing that was not regular about my run was the time. I was out at 7am, because I had to take my daughter to the airport at 6:30am. I don’t usually run that early, but I got to today.

And it felt marvelous.

I’m definitely not 100%. My hips and lower back are a mess, partly as a direct result of the knee injury and partly because the knee injury makes it hard to stretch in the ways that used to alleviate the pain.

It’s been a long road to get here. At least it felt long to me. I know 3.5 months is not much in the world of serious knee injuries, but for me, it was a really challenging experience.

I still can’t believe I was able to take my martial arts test just two months after it happened. I actually think, looking back, that the test helped me rehab faster, because I was so motivated to participate without reinjuring myself that I took my physical therapy very seriously. I have not been nearly as dedicated to doing the exercises since the test.

Jess Sims, my favorite Peloton teacher, frequently says, “not because we have to, because we get to.” She talks a lot about how one day our bodies might not be able to do whatever hard work we’re pushing them through, and it’s a privilege we can do that work right now. I’m sure I would have appreciated that sentiment before I hurt my knee, but now I feel its truth in my bones.

I was so lucky that even days after my initial injury, I was able to do some work to raise my heart rate and keep my body strong. I’m thankful that I was able to keep moving while my knee healed, and that now I can return to activities that make me happy.

This morning I ran. And I’ll run again later this week. And I’ll keep running until I can’t.

It really is a privilege.

Yesterday I said goodbye to all my classes for the last time. Today I’m in my room getting it ready for “checkout.” I can’t really believe it’s finally over, but I say that every year. I’m very much “in my feelings” today, so here are five things I’m feeling as my 20th year of teaching comes to a close.

Relief. This wasn’t the worst or most intense year of my career, but the end felt especially frenetic. As is always the case at the end of the school year, mostly I feel relief that it’s over, and that I don’t have any major lingering regrets about how it went.

Gratitude. As I clean up my room, I feel very grateful to have this space, and the permission to fill it with yoga ball chairs and giant beanbags and low tables for floor seating. On Wednesday I was over by my old room, a small modular way out on the other side of campus, and I was so thankful I didn’t have to teach there anymore. My newer room (this is my third year in it), is so much better than that space. I hope I get to stay here a long time.

Pride. This was my third year teaching all Spanish classes on this campus, and my first year with four full 7/8 Spanish classes. My program is popular and successful, and I’m proud of the work I’ve done so it could become what it is today. I’m also proud of all the ways I’ve grown as a teacher in the last 20 years.

Sadness. Every spring we learn of colleagues leaving, but this year a LOT of people are leaving. A few of them are really good friends, and I’m sad to see them go. One is a very good friend who was transferred to another site against her wishes. That makes me frustrated and angry; a little devastated, to be honest. I’m really going to miss these people next year.

Anticipation. And of course, with the end of the school year comes the start of summer break. We have some fun travel planned and I’m looking forward to spending time with my kids and my husband, while visiting family and friends. I aim to be aware of my downtime, and to savor it. Hopefully I’ll start school in the fall feeling rejuvenated.

Last week was so rough. It was excruciating. I was still trying to teach and assess learning and update my gradebooks, despite everyone already being in “summer break” mode. The thing was, I had plenty of time to do all the things I needed to do, so I didn’t anticipate the week being terrible. And yet… I really struggled to get things done. Like so much. Every morning I got to work realizing I hadn’t done ANY of the tasks I should have completed the night before. I think part of it was feeling burnt out, and just being done with all of it. But I also found myself thinking, I have plenty of time, I’ll do it later, and then it was 11pm and I was exhausted, so I just went to bed.

I’m struggling at work this week as well. Monday to Thursday we’re just burning time during class, and I have my entire classroom to clean up and break down for the summer. I have plenty to do, and yet I’m just stumbling through each period, not really accomplishing anything. The final two weeks of June are not available for me to come to work and finish prepping for the summer (we’re camping one week and I’m taking my son’s friends to the KOA for another), so I need to get this stuff done over the next few days.

I’m actually kind of stressed out about the rest of June. I’m annoyed about the camping trip, but can’t bring myself to not go, which is (supposedly) an option. Right now I’ve requested that we only stay two nights instead of three, so I can be back by Friday and have two days to unpack from camping and repack for five days at the KOA. The KOA packing will be a lot, because I’m the only adult going and I need to bring all the food and other necessities. I think once we are there it will be okay. Supervising four or five 10yo boys for four nights will surely be a lot of work, but there will be plenty of down time, especially at the pool. I’m a lot more anxious about packing, and not forgetting anything, ahead of time.

And then we’re back from the KOA for one weekend before we fly to St. Louis on Monday morning.

It’s a lot. And I already identified that being over scheduled this year contributed to stress, low moods, and general feelings of unease. So I’m not looking forward to our super-charged start to summer.

Then again, at least the time crunch will allow me to get everything done. I appreciate that at least.

Today is my daughter’s 14th birthday. In many ways, it’s the anniversary of me becoming a mother, of my life changing irrevocably. And forever.

I’ve been thinking of her and my transition to motherhood and my journey as a parent a lot this past week. And I’ve been feeling a lot of big feelings about it. Some of those feelings are…

Gratitude. I’m still so grateful that I got to be a mother. It hasn’t been at all what I expected, but I’m deeply appreciative of being able to experience it.

Awe. My daughter is an incredible person. We are similar in many ways, but she is so much better at so many things I’ve worked my whole life to be better at. Most of the time I feel like she is so amazing in spite of my parenting, not because of it.

Confusion. Being a parent is hard, especially in the age of social media. I feel like I’m never sure what I should be doing or how I should do it. And I teach adolescents for a living!

Trepidation. After some really difficult early years, my daughter has had such a great go of it so far. She managed to sail through the social aspects of middle school with almost no problems (how?!). She still likes us and wants to be with us a lot of the time. There is a big part of me that is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s hard not to assume it will get harder for her, and us, at some point. Don’t all adolescent girls have to be miserable at some point? I know I was.

Love. Is love an emotion? Sometimes it feels like it is. When I look at my daughter and I just feel joy and light and wonder. It’s the feeling I associate with really appreciating the people I

love. Not sure what else to call it.