Not a Wasted Word

This is a weird week. It’s weird at home because UESF teachers are still on strike (we just got a text message at 5:15pm that schools are closed again tomorrow, for a third day), so both our kids are at home all day while we’re working (I teach in a different district than my kids attend).

It’s weird at work because the vast majority of the 7^th graders are at outdoor ed. I teach two classes that are mostly 7^th grade, so this week I have my 8^th graders from those classes with me while I cover other people’s classes. I am in a 6^th grade coding class during 2^nd period and an 8^th grade PE class during 5^th period.  

Next week my kids have Monday and Tuesday off (President’s Day and Lunar New Year) and I have the whole week off. We’re supposed to go to the snow for three nights, but it’s currently snowing quite a bit and it supposed to snow more over the weekend. We’ll be driving a Prius (my dad’s car) that I don’t currently have tire chains/cables for (I intend to buy some tomorrow).

I’m nervous for the trip to the snow. I’m nervous to drive and nervous to strain both my knee and shoulder. My knee is stiff and sore and popping painfully again, after a Saturday on the mat and two long walks. My shoulder actually feels pretty decent, and I want to keep it that way!

I’ve been in a funky head space recently. Actually, it’s mostly been a bad mood. I realized that it’s at least partially because of I’ve lost exercise as a mental health regulator. Usually I move my body to feel good, both physically and emotionally. Right now working out feels fraught. Am I actually hurting myself? Will my knee or shoulder be upset with me later? I’m so hyper aware of my body while I’m working out that I never get that release of just losing myself in the movement. And then later I feel bummed out because how I moved did, in fact, upset my knee or shoulder. So not only have I lost what used to be my source of emotional regulation, but it’s actually making me feel worse. It really sucks and it’s really getting me down.

This week I could really use the stress relief that exercise used to provide, but sadly I will not be getting it. I guess I have to find other ways to cope.

I’m participating in the FJIG* Collective this February, because embracing gratitude is important when the world is on fire. *Yes, I’m spelling it with the “j” because it looks striking that way.

Sunday 2/1. I vacuumed the floors, changed the sheets, made a few weeks worth of pancakes for lunch, AND did a 60 minute bike boot camp, all before meeting my friends at 2:30 to play pinball. Oh and I wasn’t out of bed until 10am. It felt really good to be done with all that so early in the day. We even had time to watch an episode of Percy Jackson that night!

Monday 2/2. I’ll be honest, I forgot about February FJIGS until later in the week and Monday was a ROUGH day, the kind of day that could have really used some intentional gratitude practice! Alas, I was not specifically searching for things to be grateful for and now I’m really struggling to come up with something. Oh I know! I’m thankful we have an elliptical, so I could get in some pain-free cardio while writing a blog post. Also, I made the 12yo put away his iPad and I found him later playing with the MagnaTiles, which I didn’t remember we had anymore.

Tuesday 2/3. The 1A classes really enjoyed the Digital Escape Room we did. I wasn’t sure it was worth the time commitment, but they had a ton of fun and had to work to review the material. I’m glad we did it. I’m thankful that I had the resource, had already used it a few times (and ironed out all the kinks) and was able to execute it so successfully.

Wednesday 2/4.

Thursday 2/7. The 12yos Homer-in-the-bush Chia Pet started to sprout. I love it so much.

Friday 2/6. I went to Safeway to get my daughter the chips she she loves and they were very much on sale, so I was able to make her day by buying her many bags of chips. It was nice for that quick errand to provide so much of what I wanted to get and such a good price. Also, PetCo had four boxes of Panther’s new wet food, after having not even one box of it the last time I went.

Saturday 2/7. So many FIGs on Saturday! It felt so good to be back on the mat (as a student) for the first time in over a month. I taught my class, then went to sparring, forms and advanced class and both my knee and shoulder felt okay at the end. The 12yo stayed for high belt so we left the dojo together. We walked over a mile to a new hamburger spot he likes by his school. We talked about the book we’re both reading (Scythe, it’s so good! I’m so glad I’m listening while he’s reading so I can talk with him about it). That night, we all watched Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning together that evening and it was super fun. It may be my favorite Mission Impossible movie. It was a really nice Saturday, and I was very grateful that it felt so… normal.

Five things I’m grappling with right now.

The general state of things. Ugh. The country is a dumpster fire. The world isn’t doing much better. Everything feels so fraught, and I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough to combat the horror… And Catherine O’Hara died and I’ve seen Waiting for Guffman so many times I can basically recite the whole movie, but her lines have always been the most fun to say. Corky we love you! We want you to live!

Local tragedy. Last Friday, during the nationwide walkouts, a highschooler was shot and killed here in San Francisco. My friend’s daughter knew her; she was also a sophomore at my friend’s daughter’s school. She was a sweet, vibrant, 15 year old that everyone loved, and now she’s dead, shot after she got into an altercation with someone at the protest, and was followed home. How exactly is one supposed to process that? I just have no idea.

Impending UESF Strike. San Francisco Unified School District teachers are striking next week. I, personally, have complicated feelings about it. Do I think teachers should be paid more? Yes, absolutely. Do I understand the district’s difficult financial situation as enrollment continues to decline? Also yes. I am very lucky that my kids are old enough to take care of themselves while we’re at work, so I don’t have to be writing sub plans for next week. But also, I want my kids to be in school learning and seeing their friends. I really hope the strike doesn’t last too long.

Superbowl city. Thank god the stadium is not ACTUALLY in San Francisco, but is instead about a 45 minute drive south, in Santa Clara. Even so, the city is going to be crazy this weekend and I am not looking forward to navigating said craziness. I know I’m a being a Grinch about this, but I don’t even like football, so having to be this hyper aware of an event I care nothing about, is exhausting.

My body. I’m definitely grappling with my body right now. How I look and feel. I tried a bike boot camp today, and thought I had avoided anything that would trigger shoulder pain or knee pain but ended up feeling both. I had to take off a pair of pants last minute earlier this week because they were just too tight. I just don’t feel comfortable most of the time, and I’m trying not to spiral about what the future is going to look like with possible chronic knee and shoulder injuries. I’m trying to take it one day at a time, but I have to admit, I’m struggling.

I was able to move my Sports Medicine appoint from this Tuesday to last Wednesday. I was thrilled! I called on Monday at 8:30am to see if there had been any cancellations and there had been! On Wednesday afternoon, which is the absolute best time for me to schedule appointments because we get out early on Wednesdays, and it’s a lot easier to miss a staff meeting than class.

Sadly, I was not as enthused when I left as when I walked in.

Turns out I am 45, and this is what having 45 year old knees is. He did an ultrasound and showed me the inflammation, which was milky colored which means it wasn’t new or acute, but suggested a chronic condition. He showed me that my bones are closer together on my left knee, which means the cartilage is more easily damaged. He said it’s definitely my meniscus, which was clearly inflamed on the ultrasound, but since he didn’t believe it was an acute injury he didn’t think an MRI was necessary. Basically, my knee is stable and I just have to figure out what makes it hurt and avoid that.

To say that I left feeling bummed out would be an understatement.

But, I kept myself from spiraling. Even though the ambiguity of “chronic inflammation” and “relative rest” (relative? relative to what?!) is hard for me to handle, I did not lose my shit. I definitely let myself grieve for my youth, when I didn’t need to be constantly fortifying myself against overuse injuries. But then I sucked it up and started googling.

Luckily my dojo bestie had already sent me her “favorite meniscus guy,” so I immediately dove in to his youtube channel. He had a message of hope, that one can return to the activities they love without meniscus pain. I watched almost an hour of his content, and felt better. I will be focusing on strengthening my glutes, and activating them more during pretty much all physical activities. This is already something I have worked on, and I had restarted my Strong Glutes program (which I believe helped me overcome chronic piriformas pain years ago) before I heard him talk about muscle imbalance (overused quads and hamstrings, underused glutes) causing meniscus pain.

About 48 hours after the appointment, I felt even better, because I had an idea of what might have triggered the pain in my knee. One of the questions the doctor asked me over and over again was, what did you do to piss it off (it being my meniscus) and I was panicking partly because I couldn’t think of a damn thing. I hadn’t been at the dojo for a couple weeks because I aggravated an old ACJ injury, so I was giving my shoulder time to heal. I hadn’t done any significant weight work the week before either. But then I remembered that the day before the run where it flared, I had hiked for five miles with my mom, in my zero drop shoes. I had also hiked in those shoes in Death Valley two weeks before. I believe those were the first long hikes I did in those shoes, and I think that might have been what caused the inflammation.

I definitely over pronate, and I buy running shoes that support against over-pronation and even buy expensive insoles that further guard against it. I bet all that hiking in shoes that do nothing to protect my knees from over pronation was the trigger for this, and identifying a probable cause made me feel a lot better, especially since that cause is so easily avoided.

So here I am, trying to wrap my head around the idea of “relative rest.” I’m thankful that the pain has settled to a very manageable place, and icing and NSAIDs aren’t necessary. I haven’t even been wearing a compression sleeve as much and my knee keeps feeling better. I’ll probably wait at least a couple more weeks (maybe a month?) before I attempt running (he suggested that if I’ve been pain free for a week I can give it a try and see how it goes – again, trying to embrace the ambiguity here!) I’m definitely more weary of returning to the dojo, where we get into deep stances and do a ton of pivoting and lateral movements, all of which I “feel” right now.

I will admit that between the ACJ flair and this new (and yet already chronic) knee issues, I’m feeling a little salty. I just want to be able to do all the things I love to do without my joints hurting! But I’m coming to understand that I’m going to have to do a lot of extra work to protect myself from overuse injuries moving forward. It’s just the reality of staying active in the second half of my life. The sooner I stop sulking about it, the better.

So I know I haven’t actually posted my goals yet, not my goals for the year, or Q1, or January. But! I do have some goals and I think I can write about what January looked like and what I hope February will be. So here is my attempt.

Connection

What went well: The husband and I started the month with a date weekend, went to dinner a couple times, and saw two SketchFest shows. The 15yo and I spent a lot of time together watching RHoSLC and having some interesting conversations. The 12yo and I spent a lot of time together driving to and from swimming, and he joined me a couple times to run errands and hang out. I took both kids to the Great Highway to ride bikes one weekend and we went to the mall yesterday, which was surprisingly fun. My friends and I went to dinner mid-month and today we went to Alameda to play pinball. I spent the day with my mom (hike + lunch) for her birthday.

What I’m still working on: Writing 2-3 blog posts a week and comment reciprocation!

Health/Wellness

What went well: I’ve been on the bike way more than 30-45 minutes a week since I hurt my knee. I started the Crushing Your Core strength program on Peloton. I am redoing the Strong Glutes program (Coach Sophia) to help correct muscle imbalance and improve my knee pain. The new prescription gel plus the new lotion seem to be working really well at managing my perioral dermatits!

What I’m still working on: Eating more fiber and drinking more water. Sleeping 6.5-7.5 hours a night.

Work

What went well: All the weeks of January have been added to my Tri2 planning doc. I’ve added story video options to my free reading program. I have been recording notes for each class every day for the past two weeks (who was absent, who was moved, etc).

What I’m still working on: I have not yet added audiobooks to my free reading program, or started a yearbook master document.

Home

What went well: I got an app and added a bunch of chores to it, assigned chores to the kids and husband, and helped them to use the app to track what they are doing. We still have a long way to go, but I’m excited to be trying something.

What I’m still working on: Being consistent in actually using the app. I also haven’t written a list of the chores I want to add to each kids’ list (I hope to add one chore each month).

Fun

What went well: We went to the Art of Manga exhibit at the deYoung as a family. We spent a lot of time together watching Stranger Things.

What I’m still working on: Feeling like I have 1-2 things to look forward to a week.

Planning/Recording

What went well: I have some annual goals written out for the year, and some Q1 goals. I plan to write out my February goals here. I’m using my planner pretty regularly, and changed the way I utilize the layout to make it more effective. I started using Google Tasks. I recorded my books/movies/TV shows for the month.

What I’m still working on: I did not do a financial review in January (and I don’t have a plan yet to do one). I don’t have a good system for actually using Google Tasks effectively yet. I am checking my planner consistently every morning.

February

And here are some things I hope to accomplish in February.

• Have fun on the snow trip weekend (even though the snow is evidently not great)
• Steam clean the downstairs (when I’m off and the kids are not, after the snow trip)
• Add a chore to each kid’s list and use the app consistently
• Write 2-3 blog posts a week, ideally on consistent days
• Respond to comments and/or comment on someone’s blog when they comment on mine
• Continue Strong Glutes program 2-3x/week
• Do shoulder rehab exercises at least 3x/week
• Slowly return to the dojo without aggravating my knee or shoulder
• Weekend check-ins (on Thursdays) and weekly check-ins (on Sunday) with husband
• Add February weeks to Tri2 planning document
• Sign the 15yo up for life guard training
• Decide on Hawaii trip for this summer
• Buy flights for Hawaii
• Figure out dates for St. Louis and possibly buy those tickets too
• Start thinking about summer camps for the 12yo

Obviously some of these are one-offs and others are consistent habits I’m hoping to solidify. Do they belong on the same list? Who knows! I’m new to this goal setting stuff and I’m doing my best.

On an unrelated note, the daily views here at the blog have gone up pretty significantly. Like a 240% increase over three days (my numbers are pretty low, so even doubling them is not a ton, but it’s definitely noticeable!). And I have no idea why. I can’t find any clues at the referrals tracker. I know most people would be thrilled if a bunch more people were reading their blog, but honestly it makes me anxious. Who are these people, how did they find me, and why are they still here? I am flummoxed! If you are one of these people (waves shyly) and wouldn’t mind letting me know in the comments, I’d appreciate it!

I did not learn about Alex Pretti’s murder until late Sunday night. And only today did I think about how this came across being posted on Sunday evening. Apologies if I seemed self-centered and insensitive. And apologies for not putting that together until almost 24 hours.

February is right around the corner and Elisabeth is hosting the FIGs Collective again. I was going to name this post “Bright Spots” but decided to follow in Elisabeth’s footsteps and make it FIGS before February instead. I think FIGs (Finding Joy in Gratitude) are going to be a life line next month.

Holding it together. I am honestly really proud of how well I’ve been holding it together with this newest knee injury. Does it bum me out? Immensely! Am I super frustrated that I have to wait so long to be seen at Sports Medicine? Yes! But upon further reflection, I realized that the reason I am so frustrated to wait that long is that my knee is already feeling better and I’m worried I’m going to make a poor choice and work it harder than I should and injury it more. The reality is, I am in no hurry to work it hard. I am super bummed to be missing out on so much training time, but I also don’t have anything specific coming up at the dojo. It totally okay to take a break in my martial arts training. Also, I’ve dealt with a knee injury before so I know what to do right now to stay strong and keep up my cardiovascular fitness. It’s going to be okay. I am very grateful that I have come to this realization so quickly and that I have learned enough from past experience to (eventually) handle this injury with a certain amount of grace.

New knee brace coming. Speaking of which, I just ordered the same hinged knee brace that I wore to keep training after my other knee injury, and I got it for pretty cheap! It was actually the only size out of stock on the regular website, so I googled it and found the exact brace I was looking for on sale for $75 less on eBay. They had a photo of the box on the site so I’m fairly confident I will be getting what I’m paying for. If not, I’ll deal with it. Right now I can’t order it elsewhere so I’m thankful to have one coming!

{Committing to just getting a new brace before my appointment is making me feel a lot better already. Even if I get an MRI and they say that nothing serious is wrong, (all appendages crossed) I will want to protect my knee during sparring at the very least. Spending this money is 100% worth it for my peace of mind, and also since I already have this brace (it’s leg specific, which is why I can’t just use the one I have on my left knee) I know it works and that it will actually bring me piece of mind.}

UPDATE: I called Sports Medicine this morning to see if they had any cancellations and now my appointment is for Wed afternoon! We get our early on Wednesday so I don’t even have to miss class like I would have for my previous appointment. I’m so happy!

Plenty of options in the meantime. One VERY bring spot right now is that I have plenty of options for bringing my heart rate up and staying strong even with my bum knee. I’ve done some hard work on the bike this week and didn’t feel even a twinge! In fact, my knee has felt much better on the mornings after I work it out on the bike. Also, the arm work that we do in the Intervals and Arms classes does no aggravate my shoulder (which is still healing) so there is literally a workout I can do 2-3 times a week that makes my heart rate spike, works my leg muscles, and keeps my arm and back muscles strong, without aggravating either of my two injuries. And it’s a workout I really like to do! Also, right now I’m on the elliptical and it doesn’t hurt my knee either. I’m SO GRATEFUL we have both these machines in our house!

Making progress on my goals. I may not have articulated my goals here, but I have made some! And the knee injury will actually help me meet some. One of my Health/Wellness/Fitness goals is to spend at least 30-45 minutes a week on the bike. Now I’ll be cycling way more than that! Another goal was to complete two strength programs on Peloton, and feeling constrained by both injuries prompted me to start the Crush Your Core program. On an unrelated note, another big goal is to get the kids (and husband!) to help more around the house and in the past two weeks I’ve found an app and actually started using it. Who knows if I’ll keep it up, but at least I’m trying something! Finally, a third goal is to find a skin care regimen that reduces flare ups, which prompted me to finally email my GP for a new prescription topical, AND to try a new lotion, both of which seem to be helping!

Making the most of my no-martial arts time. This is my third Saturday not at the dojo (the first two were for my shoulder), and I have to admit, I had big feelings about it. I spend 4-5 hours there most Saturdays, and today those open hours were a giant reminder of my injury. Instead of wallowing, I made progress on quite a few to-do list items that had been languishing. I hung the biggest floating shelf in the 15yo’s room, so she can park the giant LEGO box there until it is built. I installed the bidet toilet seat downstairs. I donated a trunk load of clothes and shoes. The 12yo and I went to IKEA and got a frame for the poster he bought at the Art of Manga exhibit last weekend. It felt good to get so many things done and it made not being at the dojo feel “worth it,” if that makes sense.

Final sales pants fit! I got two pairs of work pants on deep discount from Everlane. They were final sale, and I’ve never shopped at Everlane before so I was nervous they weren’t going to fit at all. One pair is a little snug, because they are very high-waisted, but they aren’t uncomfortable. The other pair fit perfectly. I’m quite pleased! Buying clothes on “final sale” is never a good idea, and I’m glad I do not regret the gamble!

Date night ended on a high note. I will admit, we started our date night on Saturday on a bit of a low note. We had to scramble to pick up the 15yo’s friends, who kept pushing back their “I’ll be ready by time.” Then the bus we jumped on was the worst – it took 40 minutes for us to get to the edge of the Mission, so long that we needed to get an Uber the rest of the way to North Beach. But both comedy shows were great and the dinner we had in between was perfect; we were seated and served quickly, the food and drinks were amazing, and we done before the second show started. When we got home the 12yo was asleep and the house was in decent shape. I’ll call it a win! Especially since we were so stressed out at the start of it.

Apologies that most of you will read this on Monday, but I my best!

Long weekend

This past weekend was, for the most part, a nice one. Friday night we finished Stranger Things season 4. The finale was over two hours long! We’re going to need a break before we start season 5. Saturday I spent the day with my mom, for her birthday. She and I walked 5.5 miles, then we went to lunch with my dad. That night, the husband and I went out for dinner and drinks and a new favorite of ours, Trick Dog. We were home in time to make sure the kids didn’t get to bed too late. Sunday I took the kids to the Great Highway for a bike/run. We hadn’t been there in so long and it was so nice to be outside with them. They didn’t bitch about going, and even seemed to enjoy it! This would have a been a perfect outing, except at the end of the run my knee really started hurting… more on this later. Monday we spent most of the day with the in-laws, because my father-in-law was turning 80 that Wednesday. All in all it was a nice weekend, a good mix of outside and inside time, kid and husband time, and extended family time.

Good knee gone bad

I am struggling to write this part. I really don’t want to rehash the whole thing; it’s just bumming me out. I will say that on my run I started to feel an acute pain, but before that I was feeling twinges that made the acute pain on Saturday not that surprising. But! I honestly expected it to feel fine the next morning. I wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but I knew I didn’t hurt it while I was running. Sadly, it didn’t feel better the next morning, it felt worse. And it kept feeling worse, until Thursday actually. I started wearing a compression sleeve/brace on Wednesday and maybe that helped. Or maybe it was just time and not doing much with it. I saw my GP Thursday afternoon and got X-rays, which were clear, and a referral to sports medicine, which is what I wanted. Hopefully they will call me Friday.

You may recall that I just aggravated a precious shoulder injury which I’ve been trying to nurse for two weeks now. Having this happen right after is making me feel pretty down. Is this my life now, if I keep trying to work out? Just a serious of injuries that require time and patience and rest to heal? How can I feel strong if my body is always one footfall away from injury? I don’t know the answer, and I’m trying to push those questions down for now and just take this one day at a time.

UPDATE: I can’t be seen at Sports Medicine until 2/3. I’m super bummed out. When they called I thought 2/3 was this coming Tuesday but it is not, and I’m so mad I didn’t take the 10:30 today appointment that was initially offered to me. When I realized how far away 2/3 is, I scrambled to get coverage for 10:30 today – and I got it! – but by then the appointment was taken. I can call every morning next week to check for cancellations, or I can I just wait the 12 days until the third. I’m seriously about to cry right now I’m so bummed out. Fuuuuck.

Work

It’s still January, but I’m thinking a lot about March, because next month I only see the 7th graders for two weeks (they go to outdoor ed the week before our “Mid-Winter Break”, then trimester 2 ends the first Friday of March. WHAT?! That means I only have them for four more weeks this trimester. I’m glad I figured that out now, for real! We have a lot to get done.

Also, I put my name in a hat to go to a conference in Palm Springs in mid-March and it looks like I’m going to go! I’m excited to get away from my classroom and my house for a couple days, and to learn some new teaching strategies.

Home

January brought new activity schedules for both kids. They are both swimming now, the 12yo twice a week at a local pool through Rec & Park and the 15yo with her high school team. It’s taken a couple weeks but we’re falling into a manageable rhythm. I’m instituting some other changes around the house, related to my goals for the year, and I hope to write about that soon.

The husband has been sick this week, which means I’m doing more. Luckily he isn’t as sick as I was fearing he might be. ANDi don’t seem to have gotten it, which was another fear of mine.

This weekend

I should be at the dojo this Saturday but I will be skipping for a third time to give my knee time to recuperate. It’s really bumming me out to be away for this long, while all the other high belts keep training, but there is nothing I can do but wait.

Saturday night the husband and I are seeing our annual SF SketchFest shows. We’ve gone to at least one show every year (except 2021 and 2022 when it was cancelled) since we first started dating 20 years ago this January!

Sunday is book club and I really liked the book and can’t wait to talk about it (I plan to write about it here after our discussion, so I can share how others felt. It’s a unique book to be due!)

My work bestie is pregnant. She’s 15 weeks now, so I am moving out of my (private) anxiety that things will be okay (never goes away does it?) and into, holy shit! She’s going to have a baby. Talking to her about everything pregnancy related makes me realize how LONG ago it was that I was pregnant, especially for the first time. This summer she will have a newborn and I will have a sixteen year old. That is crazy.

The 12yo is growing up VERY FAST. He’s now taller than me. His feet are bigger than mine. His body looks more like a man’s than a boy’s. He even has the shadows of facial hair on his upper lip (that is truly killing me). I randomly came across a photo of the 15yo from her first day of 6th grade and she looked MUCH younger when she started middle school. She is nine months younger when she starts a grade than her brother (her birthday is June, and his is October), so it makes sense that she looked younger at the start of 6th grade than he looks now, but even taking that into consideration, the differences are striking. The 12yo is just growing up really fast. He’s my “baby” except he’s really not at all anymore.

Speaking of which, my dad sent me a Reel that shared two parenting stats. Evidently by the time your kid is 12 years old, you’ve spent 75% of the time with them that you are going to spend. And that after they turn 18 (I guess assuming they move out at this point), you only get, cumulatively, one more year with them. Now who knows where these stats come from, and how accurate they are generally (or for my family specifically), but even if I will see my kids a lot more than those stats suggest, I haven’t really thought much about how finite my time with them actually is. It’s sobering!

Also related, the 15yo is a sophomore this year. She’s taking her first AP test in a few months. She’s talking about the AP classes she’s going to take next year. She’s talking about looking at colleges next year. If she does go straight to a four year college, she only has 2.5 years left at home. We hang out a lot right now, so it will be a massive shift for me when she does leave. I’m definitely counting the years we have left with her at home.

My mom turned 74 yesterday and my father-in-law turns 80 on Wednesday. He is 5-6 year older than any of the other grandparents, so it’s not like they are all about to turn 80 but still. I’ve noticed my parents’ aging so much more in the past five years than at any point before. They are getting older and I think more and more about the next stage in our relationship, where I’m taking care of them. This is on my mind as I face more and more physical and health related challenges caused by my own aging. Maybe it’s true what they say, that 44 is a “super aging” year, because I really do feel so much older now than I did when I was in my early 40s.

To lighten the mood a bit… my mom planted some succulent cuttings when the city put this tree in front of our house. They totally overtook the small plot pretty fast, but this winter they started growing flower shoots, because we’ve gotten so much rain. I took this picture on December 20th, to show my mom the shoots.

I think I wanted to write this post because I’m more aware now than I’ve ever been before of how quickly time is passing and how little time I have left with my kids. That is why I want to be more intentional with my time moving forward, and why I am determined not to abandon my goal making entirely (though moving it back to the spring solstice or summer might be the right move). 😉

So here is the post where I declare that so far, 2026 has been giving… failure. I really have, for the past two weeks, felt like I have been failing. It’s not a great way to feel! It’s also pretty much an entirely self-imposed feeling, which means I should really take responsibility for my feelings of failure, which is kind of just another way of… failing, right?

But seriously, I’m frustrated with myself for all the the things I WANT to do, that are not getting done. Why can I not get my shit together? This is not how I want to start the year.

I do think the one thing I am better at is perspective. Which means that I don’t let this kind of stuff bother me as much. Which is good! Not meeting self-imposed goals is a fine thing to cut myself slack over! Spiraling about it is probably not going to help.

And yet… if I’m better at giving myself a pass, it’s harder to generate the urgency that drums up the stress that eventually spurs action.

I’m trying to look on the bright side. One silver lining is that failing to meet goals before I have even publicly articulated them is prompting me to reassess those goals. Why did I make them in the first place? What was their greater purpose? Is that still something I want to strive for? If I’m already failing at these goals can I change them to make them more manageable? Is the greater aim attainable via some other path? I don’t have all the answers to these yet, but asking these questions is a valuable exercise.

Goal setting and planning are NOT strengths of mine. My ADHD mind does not embrace either. It is not to say that I don’t accomplish enough. I clearly have systems in place that allow me to function at a level that many would consider “high.” I feel like Rachel in Wales described it perfectly in her recent post.

I’ve long realized that one of the problems with my current way of managing the million spinning plates is that it is highly dependant on my own steady state of productivity and emotional resilience. I am good at dropping balls and picking up balls and tossing balls and keeping things moving in the right direction while remembering that we need to add tunafish to the grocery order and also it’s library day tomorrow…

I have to admit, I felt so very, very seen reading that.

I am good at accomplishing what is immediately in front of me. I’m good at looking about a week out and having a game plan for the coming days. Longer term planning, not so much. Lofty, multi-step goals? Fuggetaboutit. I am a reactive planner for the most part. I don’t do long term. I definitely don’t do lofty.

And honestly, as I’ve ponder what some longer term goals might be I’ve wondered if I lack… ambition? All my work goals so far are streamlining processes that will make next year easier. Ditto many of my personal goals. The few loftier goals I considered are the ones I’m abjectly failing so far. Will making those goals just be setting myself up for more failure? (See questions posed in paragraph five: silver linings).

These are not new thoughts for me. I’ve had them before. There is a reason I stopped even pretending to think up new years resolutions. It helps that I’m a teacher so my real new year starts in August. But there were years when I rode the resolutions wave of new years energy of those around me. My lack of inspiration (ambition?) led me to stop doing even that.

But I do think my life would be better if I approached it with more intention. I hate the idea of “decision through indecision,” when you make a choice basically by failing to make any choice at all. When you choose your path because you didn’t take the time to consider what other paths might be possible. I’m doing that now. And if allows for the very real possibility that in five or ten years I will lament where I end up because of all that indecision, by letting the current of my life push me down one river, without taking into account all the tributaries that might lead elsewhere.

All that to say, I don’t want to give up. Even though it’s January 14th and I still haven’t posted my 2025 recap, let alone articulated any of my 2026 goals yet. And the 16th is my mom’s birthday and I haven’t solidified plans with her, let alone bought her a gift. (One of my goals is to show up for my parents’ special days without my old, unhelpful, baggage).

This is me, a week after my crash out, and no closer to marking off tasks that have been languishing on my to-do lists for over two weeks now, declaring to myself, and the few people who read this blog – THANK YOU! – that I am not giving up! Maybe the 2025 recap will go up in February. Maybe the 2026 goals will be finalized in March. But I will keep trying!

I will keep holding myself accountable, even if it means giving myself opportunities to fail.

{Wow, I honestly didn’t think this post would end like this, but I’m pleasantly surprised…}

Going back to work this past week I felt pretty decent. I didn’t even have the end of break scaries! I really did feel ready to go back after two weeks of relative down time.

As the days wore on I started to feel overwhelmed. By Wednesday I felt like there was a weight pushing down on me, mentally and emotionally. By Thursday I was kind of spiraling and by Friday evening I officially “crashed out,” as my 15yo would say. I even wrote half of a Five on Friday post yesterday that I titled, Burning up upon re-entry. Mellow dramatic much?

Today, on the bus ride home from the dojo, I was reading an article about the insanity that is the second year of Trump 2.0 and I realized that part of my spiral and subsequent crash out was due, in part, to the desperate nature of the news lately, to the terror Trump’s administration is wreaking both at home and abroad. Just recognizing that the recent news stories were affecting me deeply helped calm my nerves a little. It also helped me identify other things that feel out of control lately in my own life.

I hurt my shoulder on Tuesday, or better said I aggravated a previous injury (my AC joint). I’m not sure how I reinjured it, I don’t think it was a specific moment but more of an overuse injury. I went to the dojo on Wednesday, assuming I could avoid making it worse but I did the opposite and it really hurt on Thursday. I was mad at myself both for causing the injury in the first place, and not giving it time to heal.

My perioral dermatitis has been flaring for over two months now. I’ve done a lot of research and the big recommendation is to avoid triggers. Well, I don’t wear make up and I’ve stopped using my normal face wash and only use Cetaphil now. But I can’t stop using fluoridated toothpaste (my teeth are HORRIBLE and will immediately fall out of my mouth if I’m not fortifying them with fluoride) so… I guess I’m screwed? I do think the sun is a big trigger (but so is sunscreen, so I see many floppy hats in my future) and also the wind (or cold air, or maybe even the changes in air temperature you get in the winter when there is heat running inside). So basically, I cannot fully avoid my triggers maybe having a red scaly rash around my mouth and nose is just what I have to look forward to for half the year. I did email my doctor requesting a new prescription topical treatment, but I don’t have a lot of hope that it will help.

{And yes, I know it is vain of me to be so bummed out by my skin. But I am vain! And I am aware enough of the constant, steady changes in my skin everywhere else to know I don’t have many years left before I’m going to hate my skin for a whole new host of reasons, and I think that makes me especially bitter that I’m missing out on these last years I have left of 40 year-old skin. Again it’s vain, and I own that.}

Maybe the biggest of the stressors making things feel out of control, are some symptoms that remind me A LOT of how I felt before my thyroid condition was treated. I’ve had some troubling GI issues, which mirror what I was dealing with in March almost exactly, and I’ve also felt insatiable, which was how I felt when my metabolism was running amok. I did recently reduce my thyroid medication (at my doctor’s direction), but only from 2 to 1.5 pills daily. And my heart rate does not suggest an overactive thyroid so I’m not sure what is going on. I think mostly I just feel like I felt when I was sick, and it’s causing me a very mild PTSD-like stress response, especially since I know that later this year I’ll be stopping my medication entirely to see if I’m in remission and if I’m not I’ll have to make hard choices about how to take out my thyroid completely. And this will cause more fluctuations in weight and those are hard for me. I have a history of disordered eating and these weight fluctuations require a lot of my mental and emotional energy to work through. I don’t love admitting that at 45, but it’s absolutely true.

{I hope to write about all this more, because I do think about it quite a bit and some of my insights are probably worth sharing… but that feels like fodder for another post.}

I do think I identified an important cycle, which is that I feel really hungry and then I make poor food choices and then those poor food choices cause GI distress. So this week I’m going to identify options I think will be less catastrophic for my intestinal health and see if I can at least rid myself of one of these troublesome issues. (I really think refined sugar and I do not get along. Which is honestly not horrible because I crave savory foods more, but when I eat more sugar I want more sugar and then I eat more sugar and so on, and then my system breaks down and I feel miserable. So yeah, now that the holidays are over I hope it will be a lot easier for me avoid sugar moving forward).

So yeah, I’m dealing with an injury, and and unsure how much rest I should be requiring of myself, or what kinds of exercise will promote healing instead of hindering it. My face looks like a red, blotchy mess and wearing make up to cover it will make it worse. And I’m dealing with some health issues that mirror a previous low point in my health and the subsequent diagnosis of an autoimmune disease I’ll be managing for life, so yeah. Oh, and our country is a dumpster fire that is intent on killing its citizens with impunity and spreading its dumpster fire self to the rest of the world. I think I can give myself a little grace for my recent crash out.