Not a Wasted Word

Well helloooo there! It’s day number 3 of NaBloPoMo 20204 and I’m finally getting around to introducing myself. My (blog) name is Noemi. I’ve been blogging in this space for about 10 years (aak! I missed my 10 year anniversary here in September! ALL THE FACE PALMS! (but totally not surprising)). I started blogging at a different site in 2008, and was a big part of the ALI (adoption, loss, infertility) community for many years. I had many close blogging friends during that time, and traveled to meet some of them. That blogging community saved me during some really difficult years, and I was saddened when it eventually became undone by the passage of time.

I blogged in what felt at times like a vacuum for some long years before finding San’s NaBloPoMo last year and participating. I found so many new blogs to read and this past year has felt like a kind of blogging renaissance for me (of my god if you could have seen how to I tried to spell renaissance right then! HA!) I am so thankful to have found this community of bloggers and am thrilled to be participating in NaBloPoMo again this year.

So what else to tell you about me and this space…

I keep my identity here on lock down. At least I try hard to. I don’t post pictures of myself or my family. I’m a teacher and I don’t want students to find this space. I’m not on ANY social media and I want to stay anonymous here. I hope that remains the case, but I wonder sometimes if I give away too many clues. I suppose I’m not as worried about someone who reads this blog figuring out who I am, I’m more worried about people who know me “in real life” finding it.

I was born in Singapore and lived in Hong Kong for seven years (six of them formative). I was back in the Bay Area for most of middle school and all of high school. I studied Linguistics at UC Berkeley and eventually went to SF State to get my teaching credential. I moved to San Francisco the same summer I got a job teaching Spanish in the same district on the peninsula that I attended as a kid (where my mom was still teaching). 21 years later I am still in that position. I never considered teaching Spanish (it is not my native language), but I love it and am forever grateful that I fell into what ended up being the perfect teaching position for me.

I still live in San Francisco, with my husband (who was born and raised here and still lives here as an adult – a unicorn!) and two kids. My 14-year-old is a freshman in highschool and my 11-year-old is in 5th grade at a Spanish Immersion elementary school. They both go to public schools in San Francisco.

It can be hard to live in such an expensive city, especially when you’re living on public school teacher and civil servant salaries. We try hard to take advantage of living here. My husband works for the city and always knows what’s happening in different neighborhoods. We go to events and visit museums. We try out new restaurants and see live music. We take public transit as a family, so our kids can get around by themselves. We are really trying to LIVE with kids in this city, and I appreciate that because it can be really hard to stay here with children.

What else to say about me. I’m an active person who loves to exercise. I run, bike, strength train, and practice martial arts. Martial arts is actually a really big part of my life right now, and I think I’ll dedicate another post to that because it’s not something you read about on most people’s blogs! But I do love moving my body, and have run a marathon and ridden several centuries and I swam competitively when I was young. I’m also 44 and learning that my body needs more attention than it once did. I injured my knee last February and have been dealing with lower back pain for a couple years now. I recently saw someone and learned a lot about my posture and what I need to do stand and sit in ways that doesn’t put pressure on my back. I should probably write another post just about that too.

I’m managing other things about getting older too – like perimenopause, which I’m experiencing early because of having diminished ovarian reserve. I’m quite a few years in and not loving it (shocker!)

So what do I write about here? Daily life. Trying to stay organized even though my ADHD brain struggles mightily with executive functioning. Raising kids in a big, expensive city. Crazy projects around the house that I take on myself (sometimes to save money, sometimes because I’m incredibly stubborn). Marriage and all the highs and lows that come with sharing your life with another imperfect person who is trying their best. Friendship, and all the ways I struggle to show up for others in the ways I want to. The myriad ways my body is failing me, and the work I make it do anyway… My cats! I have two of them, and I honestly don’t write about them enough. Their faces will definitely grace these “pages” this month.

Actually, maybe that is a perfect way to end this imperfect (re) introduction, with pictures of my cats. And of the beautiful city I live in (taken on my run this morning).

Thanks for stopping by. I’m looking forward to posting every day and to commenting a lot more than usual! Let’s do this!

At 11 and 14, my kids still like to participate in Halloween, although the ways they do are changing. They both wore costumes to school. The 11yo wore his Deadpool body suit to school – without the swords and mask – and the 14yo dressed like a random video game character and everyone thought she was supposed to be Velma. I dressed as a Minion because that is what our staff voted for as our theme. The 11yo wore his Fall Guys hot dog out to Trick-or-Treat, but ended up being super annoyed by it.

The school day was long because Thursdays are always long and Thursdays with kids in costumes are longer.

I made sure my kids ate dinner early and by 6pm we were out of the house. The 14yo went to her friend’s house, where she thought they would go Trick-or-Treating, but they ended up staying in and she had big feelings about that. She was okay not going this year, but is not okay with never going again. It’s hard to grow up.

I went out with the 11yo and his friends. We went to a neighborhood that is close by, but that we’ve never been to on Halloween. It ended up being a great spot, and I’m sad we never went there before.

We passed by one house with over 100 beautifully carved pumpkins. Evidently 45 of them are fresh and the rest are foam and reused every year.

The 11yo’s party ended at 9pm and we were home by 9:30pm. I picked up the 14yo at 10pm and grabbed milk at the store on the way over there. I had to wait for the 14yo to shower (she takes forever) so I got a little workout in at 10:30. It was nuts but it worked. I was asleep by midnight.

Today is Day of the Dead and I was able to check out the festivities in the Mission after I picked up my husband from the airport. It was crowded and I was cold so I didn’t stay long, but I appreciated seeing some of it.

Ah! I’m so torn. Today is Nov 1, which is the first day of the month and the first day of NaBloPoMo, which I am enthusiastically participating in (sign up with San if you want to too!). I think I shall push my reintroduction post a couple days, because I want to spend today looking at some “Must-dos” for November.

As you may know, I read Kendra Adachi’s The Plan recently, and have been trying to create an organizational system that works for my ADHD raddled brain. Reading her book, I was made aware – AGAIN! – that my biggest problem is trying to take on too much. One of her recommendations is to look at the month ahead and write down a list of “Must-dos” and “Hope-tos”. Then, and this is maybe the most important part for me, she recommends breaking them down into their component parts, so you really see what each “task” requires. Most of the time one “task” is really a many step project.

November is a busy month for me this year because my sister is in town (she usually comes in January). A couple things happen every November (making the calendar and putting up the tree), and some are specific to this November (cleaning up the downstairs because of my sister in town AND I’m hosting book club on 12/1). So here are my five Must-dos, with a bonus Hope-tos at the bottom.

Make calendars

• Text SIL to get her photos
• Move photos on phone to folder
• Upload photos
• Choose template
• Make calendar for fam
• Make calendar for ILs
• Final check and order calendars

Put up tree

• Get tree from shed
• Put together tree
• Get down Xmas box
• Put up lights + star
• Decorate with kids
• Reorganize Xmas box

Clean up downstairs

• Straighten up kitchen
• Wipe counters/mop kitchen
• Straighten room
• Vacuum/mop floor
• Straighten bathroom
• Wipe counters/mop floor
• Clean shower

1A free reading program launch

• Library inventory
• Library barcodes print
• Library barcode stickers
• List page finalized
• Boards copied
• Patron QR codes printed
• Slide deck updated

Sister in town

• Sat (11/9) LoH DJ day with kids
• Sat (11/9) evening plans?
• Sun (11/10) dinner at parents’ house
• Walk after school one day?
• Something the weekend of 16/17?

Hope-tos

• Clean out bench (to store Xmas presents)
• Learn 2/3 of form (martial arts)
• Donate clothes
• Get rid of fridge
• Tri2 pacing guide doc
• 1B library ready

Now that I have these lists written out, I will put events (when my sister is in town) on the calendar and tasks in the three priority bullet points for each week of the month. Hopefully then I’ll stay on top of these important projects and not end up having to do the whole calendar during the Thanksgiving break.

I’m realizing right now that this might be the most boring post ever! And I putting it up to start NaBloPoMo! A harbinger for what’s to come?! 🤣🤦‍♀️

I’ll check in at the end of the month to let you know how all these projects/tasks worked out. They all have to happen, so I know they will, I just want them to happen more intentionally. Maybe what I really hope to do is realize how much I’ve already committed to and make decisions about what else to commit to accordingly (a couple Hope-to tasks originally were on my Must-do list but I moved them over after seeing the entire list and being more honest with myself about what really had to happen and what I wanted to happen.

Happy Halloween! I meant to post this yesterday but it didn’t happen. Par for the course around here lately. {I do plan on participating in NaBloPoMo this year, though my recent track record would suggest I will struggle to post daily.}

Blerg. I try to keep it pretty positive here, but sometimes you just need to get out the gripes and grumbles, you know? And now is one of those times.

I lost a bag with some running clothes and my (very expensive) pair of Shokx open ear headphones. I remember I threw it all in a TJs bag and brought it into my room one day when I hoped to run after work. But I didn’t end up running and that bag went… who knows where! I haven’t run in ages so I didn’t realize it was gone until I went last weekend. At first I thought I just misplaced the headphones, but then I went looking for that particular running shirt and couldn’t find it either and remembered THE BAG. I have spent hours looking for THE BAG to no avail. I would look all over at home, then assume it was at school. Then I’d look all over school and assume it was at home. I was still in this endless cycle of increasing frustration when I went looking for a blue tutu I swore was at school (I have a bunch of different colored tutus for class video skits), but that was gone too! So I added a blue tutu to my “it’s at school, no it’s at home” cycle and thoroughly lost my mind.

At one point I realized I was as mad about the time I was wasting as I was about the lost items, and I finally just let it go.

Except, when I look for something for long enough I just get in that mindset and every time I walk into a room I look around wondering, could it be hiding in here? It’s truly driving me crazy. I HATE losing things. I’ve lost so many things in my life. I hope when I die I get to sit in a room and watch a slide show of where everything I lost ended up going, complete with a flimsy tripod holding the projector screen.

Another thing driving us crazy is our academic calendar. They moved our January PD (professional development) to Nov 1st, which means we have one less instructional day in our first trimester. I do get to visit our feeder high school that day, which I’m VERY excited about, but that day off is making it hard to finish everything I need to comfortably in the first trimester.

My next gripe is actually about the regular calendar because Thanksgiving week being the last week of November is making me crazy. Because it’s so late, we end our first trimester a week before the break, and have one week of the second trimester right before the week off. This is soooo annoying for so many reasons (assessments that count for Tri1, need to happen in Tri1, which means will be starting new material and then leaving for a week long break. Blerg.) But my grievances don’t stop there! The late Thanksgiving Break means we only have 3 weeks of instruction in December, except it’s not even a full three weeks because we have Friday 12/20 off and that Thursday is a short day?! Why?! Again, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to have an assessment when we come back from a two week break – somethings really should get done before we leave for such a long time. And when we come back from that break we’ll have TWO FULL WEEKS before MLKJr day off on 1/20. UUUUGH.

I really do not appreciate our academic calendar this year. It’s making the part of me that loves to make things fit nicely into the time provided want to tear her hair out.

Update: I planned out November and December for my 1A class and I feel a lot better about it.

Many of my classes have been watching Coco this week, as a culmination of our Day of the Dead unit, and I’ve been trying to use that time to put barcodes on all the books in my 1A and 1B libraries. I finally figured out how to generate the barcodes, but didn’t realize until it was too late that they printed in a totally random order. It took forever to locate each one. The good news is, I think I know how to avoid it happening for my 1B library. Fingers crossed!!!

Speaking of work gripes, I have so many kids this year who are missing so much school. I have 11 students who have missed 7+ days already this school year! I probably spend a third of my time posting digital copies of work for missing students (which they don’t do), or responding to their emails, or scoring and inputting their work weeks after we did it. I obviously don’t want students here sick, but none of these students are out for that many days because they are really so sick they need to stay home each time. School avoidance is real and it’s a massive time suck for teachers. Massive. (A few of these students are missing school for travel sports, which I will not speak my mind on because my views might not be popular.)

My final grumble is that I got my son’s cold. It’s not a bad one, but I don’t feel great. And today I’ve sneezed a thousand times I swear! I’m not sure what is going on, but my nose just itches constantly and I’m sneezing like crazy. It’s driving me nuts!

Tonight my daughter will be out with her friends and I’ll be taking my son out with his friend group. I’m exhausted and just want to stay home, but my husband is still in Dubai so I’m on tonight. Blerg. Maybe next week will be better…? I can’t believe tomorrow is November.

This was going to be a Five on Friday post and then a Six on Saturday post and now I’m barely getting it up on Sunday night. Blerg. I need to find better ways to prioritize blogging.

In the meantime, there are seven things making me smile today (and yesterday and Friday).

Brat shirt

My daughter and husband got me a Brat shirt at the Charli XCX concert. I cut it and I love it and I got a ton of compliments on it on Friday. Yay!

Friday Happy Hour

Son was invited to a birthday party on Friday afternoon. He was picked up from school and wasn’t home until 8:30pm. It also happened to be one of the few Fridays that the staff from my school got together for happy hour. I usually can’t go to these events, but this Friday I could! And it was lovely and I’m so glad it worked out timing wise.

Three good workouts

Somehow I managed to work out on Friday after happy hour. I did a 15 minute hill climb and then the final 30 min (full body) class of week 1 of Dale Duro. Saturday I went to sparring and then stayed for forms and high belt class. Sparring was intense, and so was forms – I was sweating bullets and so tired. Today I went for a short run (first time in forever) and then did the first class of the second week of Dale Duro (legs and glutes). I’m pleased with the ending to this week’s worth of workouts.

Taught Teens class without a lesson plan

I usually spend 30-60 minutes writing a lesson plan when I teach the Teens class at the dojo, but this week I just went for it. It was targets, which are easier to manage without a plan, but I was still proud of myself. I’m trying to sign up to teach more Teens classes, so I need to start feeling more confident about teaching without a written lesson plan. This was a good start!

New idea for school + Mega cardstock pack

I thought of a new way to do something at school and it solves several long standing problems. I am stoked! I should have time this week while my students are watching Coco to make it happen too. Speaking of school, I went to Office Depot on Wednesday to get cardstock for my book bingo boards and they didn’t really have a good set of colors, so I ordered a pack on Amazon. The colors are perfect, and there are 64 sheets of each color, which means I will have exactly enough for next year too! This pack has 50% more cardstock for $4 less than at Office Depot. Woot!

Book Club (+ I liked Here One Moment)

I got my book club book done literally minutes before we met. I really liked it! And I enjoyed talking about it at book club. (Mostly I loved hanging out with adult friends at book club – I was there for three hours!) I also finished Liane Moriarty’s newest book Here One Moment and ended up really liking it. I will admit the middle third was rough for me (just so much thinking about death, which can get to me), but I loved how it all came together at the end. I listened to the first third at x1 and the middle third at x1.5 then x1.75!), but ended it at x1.25. I listen to Liane Moriarty’s books because I LOVE the narrator, Caroline Lee. This book has another narrator as well and I really liked her too! It’s hard to hold one’s own next to Caroline Lee so props to Geraldine Hakewill.

Husband left for Dubai

My husband left for a work conference in Dubai today. He’s been working through BIG feelings about it and I’m relieved he is finally on his way so I do not have to help him manage those big feelings anymore. I hope the conference goes well, and that the kids and I survive Halloween on our own.

Speaking of Halloween, Son’s Deadpool costume came earlier than expected today and it actually fits him okay. He’s not sure he’s going to wear it, but it’s nice to have options. We may keep it for next year if he doesn’t want to wear it this year. (He has never seen any Deadpool movies, but he does read some of the comics on Marvel Unlimited (they are less R-rated.)

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. We still haven’t had our follow up conversation, but I shared an ideal week template with my husband and suggested we each come to the table with what we’d ideally like our weeks to look like, so we can hopefully find a compromise that satisfies both of us. I’m hoping that will keep the conversation productive, and prevent it from spiraling into animosity. The last thing I want to do is rehash old resentments (something I’m prone to doing), which will not help us move forward. I promise I will update once we’ve talked about it more.

In the meantime, and in an attempt to stay positive, here are some things I’m either enjoying, or looking forward to.

Enjoying

Pumpkin flavored things. My husband went to TJ’s last weekend and got ALL the pumpkin stuff I love. I’ve been eating pumpkin brioche with pumpkin cream cheese, and I just made pumpkin pancakes. There is other pumpkin stuff in our cupboard and I love it all. My love of pumpkin stuff is definitely not of the caliber of some people, but it used to be and I still enjoy it quite a bit. I’m happy there is more pumpkin flavor in my immediate future.

Cooler weather. It still is not properly cool, but I will take mid-70’s over mid-90’s any day. Every time I feel a cool breeze on my face I feel giddy. I just hope it starts to feel like fall soon.

Great America. I took the kids to Great America today and the lines were short and we got on a ton of big rides with almost no wait time. My son rode my favorite roller coaster (Flight Deck – formally Top Gun) for the first time, and in the front row (the only way to ride it) and he loved it. My parents joined us for the final hour and a half and then took the kids back to their place.

Looking forward to

Date night with my husband. My parents took the kids so we could enjoy a date night. We need to reconnect and enjoy ourselves. And I think if we do that before our big convo, we’ll be better able to really hear each other and be open minded about each other’s requests. We’re also seeing a band I loved in college, which is a last minute addition to the night and one I’m thrilled about.

My son’s birthday being over. Kind of a cop out since it’s a gripe wrapped in a “looking forward to,” but it’s a week from Tuesday and by then the family birthday, the friend party and the managing his emotions about it all, will be over. I’m very much looking forward to getting his birthday out of my brain.

Day of the Dead + Halloween. I’m already teaching Day of the Dead at school and it’s been a lot of fun. I love the holiday and I love teaching my students about it. I wish the dominant US culture made space for remembering people who have died in a celebratory way. I’m grateful this holiday has made space for that in my life.

As for Halloween, I’m a little anxious about managing the actual day (and the prep leading up to it), myself, but I still am looking forward to it. I love the decorations and the costumes. We did my daughter’s costume cheap (we dyed last year’s Clueless skirt dark green, she’s borrowing a top from my mom and found a jacket at a thrift store), my Minion costume was very reasonable (that is what we’re being at school) and hopefully my son’s Deadpool costume will come in time (I def shit the bed on this one – I’m annoyed at myself – but I do believe it’s more likely to arrive on time than not.)

My new (to me) Peloton bike. Holy shit getting it in my car was a shit show. But we managed it (it stuck out the back of the trunk and was held in by my bike rack), and driving home from that side of the city on a Friday at 6pm was excruciating, but it’s at the house and it works and I’m so excited to try it. I got pedals that have both clips and toe cages and they came today, so I’ll be able to try it tomorrow (I have clip shoes, but they are at my parents’ house). It’s a really sleek machine and is sooooo much smoother to ride than my $200 stationary bike. I can’t wait to know what my resistance is! And my output! I’m very much looking forward to taking my first official Bike Boot Camp class tomorrow.

Do you have a three day weekend? What are you enjoying and looking forward to right now.

October has not offered the relief I was hoping for, and earlier this week I kind of lost it. I cried. My husband and I had a fight. Two in fact. It sucked. I felt really despondent.

I tried to identify why things kept feeling impossible. I wondered when things were going to get better. My husband suggested that amount of exercise I’m attempting, and my commitment to the dojo specifically, were untenable. I’m actually really glad he brought that up because I’ve been feeling like he thought that way, but instead of raising the subject, he would just passive aggressively sulk around. And I’ve determined that being at the dojo four hours every Saturday (three hours + 30 mins on the bus/getting ready on either side), and then taking my son somewhere (with our without his friends) for most of Sunday so I could “give my husband back that time,” was part of the problem, because it wasn’t leaving me any time or space to get shit done around the house on the weekends. Now, at least, he has to admit that it’s a problem, so we can talk about possible solutions. That is definitely a step in the right direction.

I definitely feel some resentment, because I don’t feel like the time I spend exercising, including the dojo, is any more than the majority of the women I read (who prioritize exercise), and yet none of them seem to have issues at home with it. And it has always, ALWAYS, added stress to my marriage, because I’ve always assumed it was too much, and gone out of my way to “give back” that time, even though my husband has had various GIANT personal time commitments over the years and he NEVER tried to make space for me and my needs. I have to leave the house to get space. I take the kids away to give him space. They are two totally different things.

We still need to have an actual conversation about it. I am trying to figure out my talking points. I have historically hated this conversation because I swear he would gaslight me about his expectations, saying I was assuming he needed time when he didn’t, but then as soon as I took time and didn’t immediately reimburse him for it, he would get sulky and withdrawn.

And that is part of what pissed me off this week. He keeps asking how he can help more, since I’ve been so unhappy and overwhelmed, going so far as to suggest renting ZipCars to take the kids to appointments in the afternoon (something he would never do), and I was like, I just want to be able to be at the dojo one weekday evening and for a long stint on Saturday and not feel like I need to repay that time, and he was like that’s fine! And then 48 hours later he was sulking all over the house after I got back from my Tuesday classes. So I’m glad he finally just said it, or asked the question, have you ever considered that your commitment to exercise, and the dojo is untenable? And I asked if he meant for me or for him/our family and he hasn’t answered that for me yet.

Because I guess, if I have to “repay” that time, it is too much. But should I have to? I really don’t know. I have always done so much with the kids on the weekends, since they were little, and he rarely joins us. And when he plans things the assumption is the whole family will attend. And sometimes I don’t go, but because we’ve created this dynamic it feels like my absence on his outings is “noticed” in ways his absence on my outings is not (because he has never come).

I’m definitely going to start making sure my exercising at home happens before he gets home. That can be really hard, but I can make it work. I wish I were like those people who write that they wake up at 6am and are running by 6:10am (do they have a time turner?!), but I’m getting better at getting home and getting started within 30 minutes. Now that I don’t have to take my daughter to swimming or even pick up my son from aftercare, this absolutely is possible enough days of the week. Maybe if I can actually make this happen, he’ll be more accommodating of my dojo commitments.

And I recognize that a lot of weird shit happened in the past six weeks, stuff that wouldn’t regularly impact our routines. I hurt my shoulder (a mild sprain, but it upended my dojo time for sure), I had Covid, my husband went out of town, my son had a giant school-adjacent camping trip, my daughter got sick, a massive, historic nine-day heat wave hit, my car became infested with ants (requiring a several-hour deep clean on a weekend night), my classroom became infested with ants (making me lose my GD mind), our downstairs fridge stopped being cold (which prompted me to spend an hour on Monday fixing the door, which didn’t fix it, two hours on Tuesday cleaning the condenser coils (which also didn’t fix it), and three hours on Wednesday defrosting the evaporator cells behind the freezer (which did fix it, but it might only be temporary because the appliance repair guy (who I actually like very much), says that shouldn’t happen unless something else is faulty (I’m hoping it was the broken door, which wasn’t sealing properly for several weeks, that caused them to frost over so badly, and not a faulty part).

It really does feel like thing after thing keeps coming and they are all stressful because there isn’t much I can do to fix any of them, and I hate feeling out of control. That kind of barrage of circumstances out of my control have really thrown me for a loop (the nine-day heat wave broke me, it really did), so maybe things will settle down and I’ll feel better?

Except there is so much coming at me right now. My son’s birthday party is next Sunday and I only just invited the last person today. My daughter has her first Homecoming next Friday, and they both need help buying/making their Halloween costumes. We need to invite the grandparents over for Son’s birthday party, but we can’t do that the weekend before because of Daughter’s HoCo (as she calls it). I hate having the grandparents over on a weeknight, but his birthday is Tuesday, so we’ll probably have them then. Then my husband is out of town again, starting the 27th, for a work conference in Dubai (which means I’ll be navigating Halloween night alone). Do you think he’s brainstorming ways to repay me for that time? Ha!

{To be clear, I don’t expect that for a work trip, but I can promise you that I was not afforded any “go to teh dojo as much as you want” messaging after he came back from a six day trip with his friend in September.}

I just feel like I’m drowning. And whenever I think it will get better, life throws me something else.

I honestly thought this year was going to be so much easier. The amount of time I’m spending in the car has decreased dramatically. And yet I’m still feeling totally underwater. I don’t know how to dig myself out of this hole.

And yes, I know my husband’s years-long, high functioning depression, is also a big part of this, but he has not been open to conversations about that, so I don’t want to bring it up unless I absolutely have to.

Which maybe I do… he’s gotten to a place where it’s not as pronounced as it was, but I feel like it surely must be affecting his mood and outlook, but we’ve been in it so long we don’t fully recognize it any more. It definitely complicates things, but if he says it’s no longer an issue, then I’m going to make decisions assuming he can manage life, and then if there is fallout, because he can’t (because it still is an issue), we’ll have that convo later.

And now it’s late and I either press publish or don’t so I’m just going to do it. TGIF tomorrow for real.