Not a Wasted Word

What’s working right now

Scheduling wins. I was able to make an eye appointment on the Monday I have off in October. I assumed they would also be closed, but they were not, and had a ton of availability. I didn’t have to teach Teens last Saturday when I needed to get the 11yo to a baseball game at the same time. The next day I was able to go to book club and attend the memorial service for a family friend, even though my husband was still out of town. I got a sub for this coming Friday when my cousin is in town. It’s nice when things work out.

Purchases. After a spendy August, I told myself no superfluous spending in September. Then I proceeded to… buy a bunch of shit. And in my attempts to avoid Amazon (I still spend way too much on Amazon, unfortunately) I’ve been trying to buy stuff from other sites. But most of it ends up coming from China (which is NOT made clear, and sometimes is actively hidden on the sites, which I swear are not shady looking!) and is hard to return. Quite a few of these have been shoe purchases (I’m trying hard to aggravate the ::whispers barely audibly:: bunion). One pair was even a no returns, final sale purchase, and they’ve all fit! It’s honestly kind of astounding. I know I’m pushing my luck and I’m going to stop now for real, but I’m thankful I haven’t wanted to return any of them.

I’ve also gotten some toe spacers that I’m wearing for a couple hours every night now, with new super minimalist, zero drop sandals (I used to wear cloud slides that squished my toes together). I can definitely feel my toes and feet stretching, and I’ve even noticed my ankles and knees feel less tight. I plan to keep wearing them, and maybe to start training at the dojo in them.

Work. Work is going pretty well. I have a few challenging students, but there is no class that I already dread seeing. I really like the two, smaller, 8th grade classes, even though one has a lot of “excessive socializing.” I’m reading two books the admin suggested we check out – one about disengaged learners and one about Universal Design for Learning which is supposed to allow teachers to present content in ways that engage disengaged learners. I’m excited to apply what I’m learning to my free reading program, which I hope to morph into more of a free comprehensible input program that give students a lot more freedom to choose what form their comprehensible input takes.

I committed to yearbook again (I promise it will be different this year!) and 66 kids came to the first meeting! I’m making meeting agendas and they will be signing expectation contracts and we’re going to start designing the first pages soon (the PTA sponsored an ice-cream social on Friday afternoon and a lot of kids came). I”m actually really excited about yearbook right now, and I think it’s going to be a good year.

What’s not working

The 11yo’s birthday party. We’re late planning it. His birthday is on a Wednesday and his good friend (whose birthday is right after his) already sent out invitations for the Saturday after his birthday so we’re not sure when to schedule it (the husband is gone the weekend before his birthday). We’re not excited about any of the options. We’ve begrudgingly (process of elimination) landed on a trampoline park. The one in the city costs $500 for 1.5 hours (30 minutes to eat and 1 hour of play). It’s $900 for two hours, which is a no go for me. They do provide the food and do set up and clean up but still! That is a lot! It’s stressing me out, and I feel like even after we solidify plans I won’t feel satisfied. Blerg.

My skin. Did I mention that I don’t actually have rosacea like I thought, but instead have perioral dermatitis, which are red bumps around the mouth and nose that can spread to the cheeks. This actually makes sense, as I don’t get the red flushing of rosacea and my bumps are frequently itchy. The treatments are basically the same, but I think mine are a little complicated because what works for around my mouth and nose seems to aggravate my cheeks. I’ve been in a flair since school started, which means stress probably makes it worse. I do appreciate seeing the dermatologist a while back and learning the name of what I actually have; many of the treatments are the same, but perioral dermatitis is aggravated by some different factors, which I’m trying hard to avoid.

And eyes. My glasses are giving me tension headaches and I swear my vision has gotten much worse since summer. Maybe it’s just that when I wear my glasses for ten hours a day and then take them off, I’m more aware of how badly I see without them? I will admit that I don’t wear my glasses much in the summer, and that might be part of the problem. I am very glad I got that eye appointment in couple weeks so I can get a new prescription and order a new pair of glasses.

The 11yo’s middle school transition. Baseball every afternoon for 1.5+ hours has been a lot. The amount of homework he is getting in Math has been a lot. His negative feelings toward his Math/Science teacher has been a lot. He struggles with emotional regulation on a good day, so helping him manage all this has been A LOT. More than I feel like I can manage on some days. It’s exhausting and I’m really looking forward to the end of baseball season (the last game is in two weeks).

I could add “blogging” to the not working list, but I don’t have the energy to examine why I’m struggling so much to show up here, and to read and comment on other blogs. It’s the beginning of the school year and that transition is always hard. I’m sleeping less, and tried a lot earlier every night. I have less free time and less brain space when I do have twenty minutes to write. I started this post as a “Six on Saturday” yesterday morning, and I’m not vacuuming before the 11yo’s swim class so I can finish it. Blerg. I’m going to put it up now, or it will never happen.

Is it insane for me to just jump back in with some thoughts on my last post, which went up over a week ago? Probably, but I’m going to do it anyway.

First of all, please know that I am NOT making any kind of fancy dinner. Whatever easy dinner you’re thinking in your head I should make, I’m already making that. Or something even simpler. The kitchen is not my forte, so even simple things are a little stressful for me to execute…

The Tuesday after that post ended up being pretty low key. I specifically didn’t push myself to go to the dojo, and instead stayed home. I didn’t even workout (I moved it to Wednesday). And I realized when I went to bed, that being much less rushed, and staying home instead of spending a few hours at the dojo, didn’t make me feel a lot better at the end of the day. I was still tired and worn out, I just had a lot less to point to when I looked to explain why I felt that way.

I’m not saying that means I should embrace the schedules that provide no room for error and leave me gasping for breath at the end of the day. But I need to remember that an evening at home, with my kids and my husband, is still exhausting even when I’m not playing time Tetris.

Tonight (Monday) my husband comes home from a four day, three night trip to Philadelphia. He was at an experimental music festival. Just for shits and giggles. He went by himself and saw hours and hours of experimental music in weird cave tunnels. I just can’t fathom wanting to do that. It’s so funny how someone you know and love can enjoy something that you would absolutely NOT want to do. Like ever.

I have to admit, it’s kind of nice when my husband is away. The best thing is, I know exactly what to expect, at least on the home front. I don’t have to wonder if anything is going to get done by anyone else but myself. It means I do more work, but also that I’m never disappointed or resentful that I have to do it. It’s easier to plan meals when my husband is not here, especially for myself. It’s a lot easier to go to bed and wake up, and to sleep, since he snores really loudly! I kind of love sleeping alone, I’d have to go a lot of days before I’d miss my husband in my bed. (Is this a very bad thing to admit? I don’t know if I’d realized it before, but it’s true). I had two work mornings where I could just turn on the light instead of fumbling around with my phone, and I reveled in them! It was also lovely to fall asleep to my sound machine masking silence and not snoring.

Of course my in-laws came and helped the 11yo get to school on time. I thought he would say he could manage himself, but he requested their presence. I think it was probably more for the ride to school than anything else… Mornings are definitely the time when the husband’s presence is most appreciated.

The husband and I have been pretty disconnected these past few weeks. The start of the school year has been stressful and he’s been in a (self expressed) funky mood. That definitely made his absence a little sweeter.

The best part of him being gone this past weekend, is that I got NO sulking when I came back from my trip two weeks ago because he knew he’d be gone the exact same amount of time. I REALLY appreciated that. I am so rarely gone, but when I am, he handles it pretty poorly. And it makes me crazy because even though he doesn’t travel much, he travels exponentially more than I do. So yeah. It was nice that our trips were close enough for him to keep any feelings of overwhelm to himself.

He’s also going to be gone for a week in October, and I’m kind of looking forward to it! Although that trip is right before the 11yo’s birthday, so it will be more stressful.

The weekend was full, for me, in a way that reminded me that I can’t do too much in just two days or I start to shut down. Everything I did was sans-kids too, so you’d think it would be energizing, but I was still exhausted come Sunday evening. My extrovertedness is so much less pronounced these days.

The 11yo came home sick again today. He threw up at school, then seemed pretty much fine when he got home. This is the second time this has happened this school year. Last night he had a meltdown, crying that he hated school and homework and was too busy with something every day of the week. It’s hard not to connect those two events, and assume he made himself sick today (not necessarily consciously, it totally could have been anxiety or a subconscious mechanism).

I REALLY hope this doesn’t become a recurring thing. I have a friend whose been managing her child’s severe school avoidance for years. They even went to a three week day-program for it! School aversion is so hard to treat, and I know I would handle it very badly. I was never really allowed to miss school for even physical sickness (I had perfect attendance for SIX YEARS), the idea of taking a mental health day off from school was not even fathomable. Like I couldn’t have conceived of it if you told me people did it, I’d have been so confused. ANYWAY, I’m spiraling right now – two instances does not a recurring problem make – but I can definitely feel myself holding my figurative breath, wondering when it’s going to happen again…

I started to write some stuff about work, but I think it will be best to just shut this post down here. I’ll try to write more later this week… I’m really struggling to find times when I have both the space in my schedule and the brain power to articulate thoughts… But this week seems a little lighter than last week. I’ve been to both my kids’ Back to School Nights, and the 11yo only has one baseball game this week. Maybe I can make another post happen! (No promises though. 😉

Today I booked it out of work immediately, so I could stop by Costco on the way home. I grabbed some frozen stuff, and was home by 4:30pm. I helped the 15yo take the bearded dragon out to to enjoy the sunshine and drink some water (and poop, he poops in the water after he drinks it). Then I prepped dinner, so the husband could start it while I was driving the baseball carpool. I was back by 6:30ish, I finished up dinner just in time for us to eat as a family at 7pm.

It all worked, but every minute between the dismissal bell and 7pm had to executed near perfectly for it to work. It feels like more and more of afternoons are like this, and while there is a certain satisfaction to achieving everything (many times I’m fitting in a workout before I prep dinner), I don’t actually believe a schedule that intense is feasible for me even a couple days a week, long term. I just don’t think that I thrive on fitting that amount of stuff into most afternoons.

This doesn’t surprise me. I frequently read some people’s blogs and think wow, they are literally using every second to advance a goal. That is admirable! And I’m exhausted just reading about it.

And yes, I know I get a lot done. I just don’t think I can keep up the kind of precision required to make it all fit more than one day a week, and right now it feels like I’m having to do that 2 or 3 days a week.

I keep telling myself that it’s a season – namely baseball season – and that it will be over soon. And maybe that is true. But maybe baseball season will turn into another season, and another, until it’s spring and I’m melting into a puddle on the floor.

It seems like the solution is to do less, but of what? Less working out is definitely an option. I’ve already whittled my weekday workout times from 45-60 minutes during the summer to mostly 30 minutes now. I still haven’t perfected the, get home, get changed, get started in five minutes like some bloggers I know who seem to wake up, change, workout, and shower in 45 minutes most mornings. Maybe I pull a weekly workout, but commit to longer workouts two other days, then I’m not just saving the time I workout, but the prep time, stretch time, and shower time too.

I’ve already set up a baseball carpool, which has been helpful, but the reality is I probably spend more time overall driving (many of the kids live much farther away than I do), that I would if I were just picking my kid up (and letting him walk home some days, because it’s not that far). I don’t feel like I can renege on the carpool agreement at this point, but I definitely wish I hadn’t committed to my current level of participation. The season is over in mid-October, so it’s only for another month regardless.

I am definitely over compensating for the husband’s overwhelm, stepping in when it’s clear he is struggling. That needs to stop. If he doesn’t have the bandwidth to make us dinner most evenings, then we both just figure out what we’re going to eat, instead of me jumping in to take over. (I already make the kids’ dinners on the nights we don’t eat together as a family.) Making dinner is one of his only consistent chores and right now he’s not doing it much. I don’t really care if I eat yogurt and granola or throw together a quesadilla for myself most nights, so I’m not going to offer to make us both a more “proper” dinner when he’s feeling like he can’t manage it.

Planning our weeks out definitely helps in some ways, but I it’s since we’ve been doing the weekly planning, that I’ve been finding myself in the middle of marathon afternoons where one wrong move and I’m totally off course. Maybe, instead of planning my week to figure out how I’ll fit it all in, I should be planning my week to see what I can leave out.

There are other stressors too. The 15yo has more homework than last year. She is struggling to determine her comfort level with her club swim commitment. She’s also had a gnarly cold for over a week now, which isn’t helping.

The 11yo has more homework than ever before, AND is at baseball practice or games 1.5 – 2 hours every afternoon. He’s even missing his last 1-2 periods twice a week for said games (most of that time is spent on public transit commuting to the games), so he has make up work on top of his regular homework in those classes. He’s missing one class two out of the three times it meets every week! He has a very viscerally negative reaction to homework, so everyone suffers when he’s forced to get it done.

And then there is my commitment at the dojo. This one is hard to let go. I feel an obligation to be available there, but I’ve also communicated what days are hard for me to come in and so far they’ve been really respectful of those boundaries.

It doesn’t help that I’m not loving the way I look right now. I think I’ve finally stabilized at about 8-10 pounds above where I was before I lost hyperthyroid weight. My thyroid function is at the low end of normal in all metrics, but my doctor has countered my concerns with talk of “portion control” and honestly that just shuts me down. I already know how to watch portion control, and I’m loath to take up any habits that might invite my old disordered eating to the table, so I’m trying hard to just accept that this is where I’m going to be, and wearing the clothes I own that don’t make me feel physically uncomfortable in this new body. Still, countering old narratives around body image and self worth, and managing the emotions inspired by all that is a drain on my reserves, to be sure, especially since I feel like I have no control over how much I weigh right now. It’s a hard place to be.

Worrying about my bunion is also NOT HELPING. I’m so mad at myself for letting it progress as far as it did. I definitely noticed it a while ago – I just didn’t realize what exactly I was noticing. I keep trying to be grateful that I caught it when I did, and that I can probably halt its progression, but I’m still mostly pissed off about it.

Ugh, I don’t want to end this post this way. It’s not all negative I swear!

I’m stronger right now that I’ve maybe ever been. I regularly push the resistance above the suggested range on the bike, and I’m lifting heavier weights than what is recommended in the strength training classes. I have never been this strong, maybe in my whole life, and that is not something I take for granted after all those months of getting weaker this spring.

I do have some cute summer clothes I’ve been able to style nicely in these first weeks of school. I’ve been trying to dress a little more professionally to start the year, and I’ve had enough outfits that I enjoy wearing. It’s definitely helping me accept the weight gain.

The 15yo and I went to the mall this past weekend to kill time while the 11yo was at a birthday party at Dave & Busters. She didn’t initially want to go, but we ended up having a really great time together, tooling around and being silly. It was a lot of fun.

There are more positives, but it’s already 11pm and I should get to bed. Mostly I wrote this post for myself, as a reality check, because it’s easy to look at my current schedule and see that I’m “doing it all,” without recognizing the toll it’s taking. If I accept how it’s making me feel early in the year, I have a greater chance of making changes and avoiding overwhelm. At least that is the hope.

I did not mean to be away for TEN DAYS! But honestly, I’m not surprised, because the lead up to the trip was super busy and stressful, the trip was great AND included 72 hours with no cell service, and the four days since my return have been hectic. I meant to post pictures when I got back, but it never happened because it felt like every minute there was something else that took priority.

{I started this at 7:30am, and am only just now finishing it, fully 12 hour later…}

Five things that got done before I left

• Sub plans. I was gone for two days. I knew my sub. I put together a slide deck for the sub to AirPlay to the TVs (with agendas and exit directions), and a document with notes. I did most of this on Tuesday, when the 11yo came home early sick.
• Packing. I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into (martial arts training at a hot springs where most people soak naked) so packing was stressful. I got most of it done on Wednesday, which was good because Thursday ended up being filled with last minute things to get done.
• 15yo’s Appointment. I had to leave work early on Wednesday to take the 15yo to her doctor’s appointment. This was ostensibly to renew her ADHD meds, but she also had a mental health question (she can get therapy through Kaiser?!) and a personal questions. Then we had to pick up her ADHD prescription at the pharmacy, which took almost 30 minutes (luckily they had it!). We were at Kaiser for over 90 minutes all told.
• Teach at the dojo. I had to teach an hour long class on Thursday night. The timing was not great – I had to much to do that evening! – but it had to be done, so I did it.
• Tons of other stuff. I had to confirm the 11yo’s batting coach practice (I couldn’t find a confirmation email), pack his swim bag (we had taken stuff to Great America), complete a clothing return, do last minute shopping, wash and fold three loads of laundry, grade some tests, the list goes on! It was a busy, busy week!

Things I’ve had to do since I’ve been back

• Catch up work. When you give students two days worth of work, you have to grade it when you get back! I also hadn’t planned ANYTHING for the week I came back, so Tuesday morning was especially stressful as I ran with a ton of papers to the copy machine. I usually have at least the first day back planned and ready when I’m away, but it was so hard to make those two days work for students without me that I didn’t even think about what I’d be doing when I got back.
• Assessments. Two classes took assessments on the day before I left, and I didn’t want to bring them on my trip, so I had to score them when I got back. Luckily my 8th grade classes are smaller this year, so this wasn’t as time consuming as it could have been.
• Baseball games. The 11yo had his first middle school baseball game on Wednesday so I went to most of that. I went to his second game this afternoon (where I wrote much of this!). It’s a lot more fun to watch the games than I thought it would be (I do not enjoy baseball much), but it’s a significant time commitment.
• Chores. So much laundry to do! And floors to vacuum! Also Costco runs! I’ll be playing catch up on chores through the weekend at least.
• 11yo’s Back-to-School Night. I went Thursday and it was a shit show and I’m SO GLAD ours is better organized. I did get see/hear all his teachers and even got to speak to a few.

Health & Well being

• New ADHD meds. My psychiatrist finally read my email and put in and order for my new ADHD medication (Strattera). It’s not a stimulant so it’s not a controlled substance, which means I could order it before I left and it was waiting for me at my house when I got home. It felt like magic. I started taking it on Tuesday (I didn’t take my old meds during the trip to give my body a little break), and so far it’s been good. Right now I’m really happy that I made the switch – we’ll see if that holds! I am cautiously optimistic that it will be as effective for me, while not requiring I show up at the pharmacy fighting for a months’ worth of medication.
• Sleep. I’m still sleeping pretty well. I’ve found I feel tired earlier with my new medication, which means I’m more likely to head to bed earlier and then fall asleep at a more reasonable time.
• Thyroid. I’ve forgotten my thyroid medication more often recently, which stresses me out. My weight has finally stabilized, and while I don’t love where it landed (I’m heavier than I was before I lost the weight in the spring), I’m grateful I can still wear most of my clothes, even if they are tighter than I’d like.
• MHT. After a month of pain-free breasts – when I went down to .75mg instead of 1mg – the girls are really sore again. Is this just the one negative side effect I have to endure for all the benefits? Maybe. There is a .5 patch, and I may request it if they are still this tender in a couple weeks. We shall see.
• Bunion?! I think I’m getting a bunion on my right foot. The bone is noticeably raised and it hurts a lot when I wear certain shoes. I’ve always been weirdly terrified of developing a bunion (my aunt has painful looking bunions on both feet) and after an initial panic attack, I ordered some toe spacers that I hope help stop the progress, and maybe even reverse it? Just keeping it from getting worse will be great. I usually wear Vans or other wide, comfy shoes, but this year I have been wearing more narrow toed shoes and I just got myself a couple heeled booties. Blerg. I hope I can sometimes wear them.

Five highlights from the trip

• Time with friends. I flew/drove/stayed with two friends from the dojo and we had a great time together. I’m so grateful I had two solid connections to build stronger during this trip.
• Training. It was really fun to practice martial arts under the evergreens! We worked on our form a ton and I probably tripled what I know of it. It’s a hard form, so I really appreciated all that time to practice it. We also did a lot sticks, which I loved.
• Hot springs. I really liked the place we stayed (Breitenbush, about two hours south of Portland). The views were beautiful and the hot springs were wonderful. The river was heart-stoppingly cold, but we did swim in it a bit. I was initially nervous about seeing all my dojo-mates naked (more seeing them, not them seeing me), but I got over it quickly and after the first couple hours it ceased to be a thing.
• Weather. We had beautiful weather. It was warm, and it rained a couple nights (I love being in hot water while it rains). I definitely couldn’t have enjoyed the frigid river if it had been colder. But then in the evenings it was cool enough to enjoy the hot springs without over heating. The air was crisp and cool on Monday morning when I went for a run. Some how the weather was always what we needed, and wanted, it to be.
• No cell. There was no cell service at the hot springs. And no WiFi. I actually had to drive out 25 minutes on the first morning to make sure my husband had the phone number in case he needed to contact me for an emergency. It took a while to get used to having absolutely no use for my phone, but once I got past the initial detox, it felt great. It was hard to come back to the expectations of “being within range” after 72 hours of radio silence.

Five photos from Breitenbush

That was actually six photos, but I’m betting you don’t mind.

(I started this at the end of last week, but am only finishing it on Monday evening… oops!)

In a firm believer that the second of something is harder. The second day back from vacation. The second week back to school. Heck, even Tuesdays are harder than Mondays for me.

Last week definitely supported this conviction.

To be fair we were all struggling. The 15yo wanted to drop her AP class, and maybe Orchestra. She also wanted to pull out of her swim commitment. The 11yo decided baseball was too much and started asking to skip practices, like his friends were doing. I had a meltdown at work about the Chromebooks STILL not working (there was a login issue that Google had to fix). At home I felt like there wasn’t enough time to make dinner and workout. My late night commitments felt impossible after managing the big emotions of the people around me. The husband had his own stuff going on.

The first week everything was shiny and new. The second, reality hit. It was a hard week for everyone.

I was managing a lot of big feelings. My own and others’. Especially others’. I was finishing The Bright Years. It was overdue so I felt like I needed to finish it, but honestly it probably was not the best book to be reading last week. To say it was emotionally draining for me would be an understatement.

I found myself leaning deeply into gratitude. Recognizing what I’m thankful for; sitting in deep gratitude for all I have has been the only path through the grief these past weeks as I continue to process the loss of our family friend. I am so thankful for my family, and leaning into that gratitude is the only way to move through the absolute terror I feel at the prospect of losing the people I love.

…

The weekend offered a nice reprieve after last week. Friday was a minimum day and I went to happy hour with people from work, ran, AND met up with my friends. All after teaching!

Saturday I spent four hours at the dojo, then went to the Valkyries game with my family. The Valkyries absolutely dominated the Washington Mystics and it was really fun to watch.

Sunday the kids and I met my parents at Great America for the last weekend of the water park. After a very cool summer, we got a 95* day and had a ton of fun in the pools and on the slides. That night my kids went home with my parents and the husband and I had a date night.

Monday the husband and I hung out a bit and I got a bunch of stuff done. I leave very early Friday morning for the Advanced Retreat in Oregon with other red and black belts from my dojo. I’m excited and nervous, and at this point I’m just hoping I don’t get sick (I missed the last trip to Oregon because I got Covid). I have a ton to do, both at home and work, to get ready, but I’m trying not to freak out. Monday I was able to get enough done that packing and planning for school both feel manageable. At least for now.

I have to admit, I’m kind of relishing the return to routines. Sure I don’t love getting up at 6am, but I’m really efficient with my time now that I’ve fallen back into my familiar morning routine of making the kids’ lunches, filling their water bottles, and getting ready for work, and then leaving. It’s so much easier to remember to take my thyroid medicine every morning, and my progesterone pill every night, though I’m still struggling with the estrogen patched (changing it every 3-4 days does not lend itself to a routine).

The 11yo’s baseball practices are definitely messing with my afternoon/evening routines, which I’m struggling with. I’m sure it will feel easy right as the season ends, and we have to get used to a new set of afternoon pick-up patterns.

Familiar routines at work are also helping. My two afternoon classes are switched, but otherwise I have the same schedule as the past few years. It’s easy to fall back into a rhythm that my body and mind know so well. Of course I have new students, which adds novelty to the familiar. It’s one of the things I love best about my job – every year is a little different than the last, even if the underlying structure stays the same, the students always provide new variables. And if I’m every bored with anything, I can change things up in any ways I want!

My husband has struggled more this week. I think partly because their morning routine is actually pretty different, and because I’m no longer doing his chores for him, now that I’m back at work. I think he forgot just how much I was doing for him these past couple months.

This week I have Back-to-School Night, which doesn’t rattle me much anymore. I’ve done it a million times and I still like the slides I’ve been using since the return from distance learning. I much prefer presenting to parents in nine-minute increments on Back-to-School Night than the free-for-all mini-conversations that make our Celebration of Learning (fka Open House) so exhausting. Mostly I just try to communicate this one thing to parents: Let your kids’ figure it out! We’re trying to teach them independence and responsibility and if you step in too much you’re going to undermine our efforts! That is my biggest message to parents of middle schoolers.

I don’t want to paint a perfect picture of my life right now. I assure things are not perfect. But I do think I’ve been able to use skills I’ve learned in the past few years to help me navigate the challenges we’ve faced recently. I still ordered two pairs of ankle boots, so I’m not totally cured of my past compulsions, but I’m taking baby steps in the right direction.

The husband and I walked to dinner Sunday night, because we feel like we’ve barely seen each other lately and we wanted to reconnect. It was nice to realize there weren’t any lingering issues someone was waiting to rehash – I’d already confronted him (gently) about his attitude on Saturday and he took a walk by himself and identified what was bothering him and we’d talked it out that evening. In the past I might have simmered with resentment for a couple days before we got to talking about it, but instead we talked about it calmly and no one’s feelings were hurt. That is definitely progress!

I thought I posted this on Monday morning, but I didn’t so I’ll post it now. Oops! Kind of par for the course right now.

Kids

Both kids started the school year strong. The 15yo is handling all of her classes nicely, including her first AP class (World History). She has some friends in some classes and while she got the Math teacher she didn’t love last year again, she’s handling that disappointment with grace.

The 11yo has done an incredible job navigating his SEVEN classes on an insane schedule that rotates through the seven classes with five a day (so Monday is periods 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and Tuesday is periods 6, 7, 1, 2, 3, etc, with fewer classes on Wednesday, which is a minimum day). He didn’t even blink when they messed up his schedule and he had to start two new classes mid-week (he wasn’t put in the Spanish Immersion classes). He is on the baseball team and practices are kicking his ass, but he said last night that baseball was his “high” and it made my heart soar. I’m so proud of the work he did and is doing to participate in a new sport first thing.

Home

Things have been a little stressful and tense at home, but looking back on the blog at Augusts past (I was looking for pictures of what I drew on my classroom windows!), its been a lot worse. The first week is always stressful, as we return to our routines. The husband and I need to start planning the week again, especially dinners. We also need to pick a day to sit down and look at all the other stuff that requires both our brains. We should probably put that meeting on the books when we’re looking at the next week.

Last night, after the 11yo mentioned baseball was his “high,” my husband thanked me for all the work I did to help make the experience positive for him, like setting up the batting coach, and taking him to the batting cages to practice, and to the park to hit off the T, and getting him the glove and rebounding net at the beginning of the summer and making sure he knew how to set it up and put it away. I really appreciated the recognition for all of that, because it was a lot of work, and I was proud that I was proactive about helping him feel more comfortable playing baseball, while the husband just lamented the fact that we didn’t push him to play little league as a kid.

I front loaded a bunch of chores last weekend so I wouldn’t have them this weekend (changing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom, etc). I also did quite a bit of shopping last week, and I ended up grabbing a couple things that came in clutch, like a pair of sneakers for the 11yo at Costco when they were on sale, and some school supplies. I’ve been making last minute orders on Amazon, which I hate to support, but I think I’m done with that for a while. Everyone has what they need now, including me!

Work

My first two days of school went pretty well. I wasn’t as prepared as I could have been, but there were no crises to avert. My 8th grade classes are small (21 kids each), which I appreciate very much. I don’t love the order my classes are in, but it will be okay. I spent a lot of time on Monday and Tuesday working with my former student teacher, but she hasn’t texted me, so she’s clearly doing well on her own. I do plan to check in with her tomorrow to make sure she’s feeling comfortable with what we’re doing next week.

Tech has deemed over 10 of the Chromebooks in my cart are not fixable, but instead of returning them to me to make due until they are replaced, they just gave me back the cart with only 19 Chromebooks. Two of my classes have 32 students, so that won’t do. I really hope I can figure something out for Monday.

Perhaps the biggest deal though is that the “cooling system is works! It’s real air conditioning has kept my room in the blissful low 70s despite it being in the mid 80s the last two days! I honestly cannot believe that they actually installed real, working air conditioning in our rooms. Truly, it’s a miracle, and I don’t take it for granted.

Oh, and I got a new TV mounted and I’ve been using it for two days and it’s just as amazing as I’ve been dreaming of for these past four years. I’m so glad I splurged and got a new TV and put it up there. Absolutely worth the money.

Health / Well being

I just got my blood work done and my thyroid numbers are well within normal range now. I guess the medication amount is working, so we won’t need to fix it. The slightly lower amount of estrogen (0.75 instead of 1mg daily) keeps the hot flashes at bay, but without the breast tenderness. I was not able to fully fill my ADHD meds this week (there is yet another national shortage) and I finally emailed my psychiatrist about possibly going back on Strattera, which is not a controlled substance like Ritalin, which I need to fill at the pharmacy every month. Between filling my daughter’s Concerta, and the national shortage, I just don’t think I can manage two prescriptions that require so many tedious, time consuming steps to fill. I took Strattera for my ADHD years ago, and I’m sure going back to it would be fine. My psychiatrist has been “out of office” for over a week, so I guess she’ll follow up with me about it when she’s back.

I’ve been struggling a little to get my workouts in since going back to work. There have been some 30 and 45 minutes sessions when before they were almost all 60 minutes or more. It was so hard to get off the couch and go to the dojo on Wednesday, but I managed it (and was glad I did). This weekend there is an adult test, so there won’t be adult classes, and I’m kind of looking forward to a weekend without four hours of martial arts. I went for a run on Tuesday, and I finished four miles feeling fast and strong, despite battling heartburn for most of the day. It felt really good to finish four miles with the energy, and enthusiasm to keep going. I would have run longer if I’d had the time. Yesterday I immediately started a 45 minute bike bootcamp when I got back from work, and was finished with it right when the 11yo needed a ride. It felt good to be done working out before 6pm.

Coming up

There are a lot of events coming up, honestly I need to check my calendar constantly to make sure I’m not double booking. My Back-to-School Night is next Wednesday. We’re going to a Valkyries games Labor Day weekend. I’m away in Oregon from Friday to Monday in early September at the Advanced Retreat through the dojo. Both kids’ schools have their BTSNs in mid-September. I might miss the 15yo’s BTSN to take the 11yo to a John Scalzi reading in Santa Cruz (we’ve listened to many Scalzi books together, but Starter Villain is our favorite). The husband found a free middle school baseball clinic on a Saturday, and that same afternoon Shaboozy is playing a free concert at Civic Center (a BIG day for the 11yo). The husband is traveling (for work) to Philadelphia at the end of the month. September is going to be a BUSY month. I’m trying to brace myself.

I don’t really have time to read this over, but I’m going to schedule to post because perfect need not be the enemy of good enough. I’m embracing good enough these days, and it’s been pretty good to me.

My summer break is officially over. Today (Thursday, so probably yesterday by the time you read this) is my first official day back at work. We don’t have any students, just meetings and work time.

The past couple week has been busy. My sister was in town and that created a layer of stress and feelings of time scarcity that I’m not used to at the end of summer break (she usually comes in January, which is not ideal either). I found myself packing most days with tasks, in an attempt to gain some control over my life when my emotions felt big and overwhelming. Some of those tasks were:

• Packed the snorkel set and booties in the shed (UNDER the winter boots and clothes boxes)
• Packed away all the luggage and packing cubes
• Packed away the summer clothes (we definitely won’t be wearing any of it anymore here, during the coolest summer on record)
• Deep cleaned the car (inside and out) with the kids (they mostly cleaned and I mostly supervised)
• Washed all the swim wear
• Washed the couch and cat cushion covers
• Got my allergy shot
• Was seen by a dermatologist! (via my new GP, who I like very much!)
• Picked up two new prescriptions (new sulfur face wash and lower dose estrogen patch (breast tenderness was bothering me)
• Got the 11yo’s sports physical done and athletic release form completed
• Took both kids to the get their teeth cleaned
• Signed myself up as a new patient at the kids’ dentist
• Spent time with my sister eight of the nine days we both in town (this was exhausting, and put a strain on family stuff at home)
• Taught three straight hours of classes at the dojo on Monday
• Started a WhatsApp group for families from the 11yo’s elementary school that are also moving on to his middle school (if you knew anything about my WhatsApp group participation, you’d know out of character this is for me)
• Provided references for my student teacher who applied to a last minute Spanish position opening at the other middle school (SHE GOT THE JOB! WOOT!)
• Washed and folded so, so, SO MUCH laundry
• Cut the 15yo’s hair (we’re both really pleased by how it turned out!)
• Cut the 11yo’s hair (it’s still growing on both of us)
• Completed one (of the four) training modules I need to finish by October 3 (Bloodborne Pathogens)
• Unpacked and washed five new Bentgos (the 11yo is using the bigger ones now – I got them from Costco years ago and they’ve been waiting in a box in my garage for this moment)
• Took the 11yo to the batting cages, to get a baseball bat (HOW ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE!?), to hit balls with a friend at a park, and to batting practice with a coach (twice!)

Some things I’m still hoping to do before students walk into my classroom:

• Finish Little Bosses Everywhere: How the Pyramid Scheme Shaped America (it might already be late and we can’t renew it – I’m almost done!)
• Read The Bright Years (this doesn’t have to be done by Wednesday, but if I haven’t made a bit dent in it by then, I probably won’t finish it and it also can’t be renewed)
• Complete the other three training modules (Mandated Reporter, Sexual Harassment, and Respectful Staff/Student Boundaries)
• Do a Costco run (I’ve gone twice in two weeks but still need a few things!) – (Did this this afternoon!)
• Take the 11yo to his 6th grade orientation on Friday at 3pm (we finally got the information on this YESTERDAY! ::all the face palms::)
• Spend four hours at the dojo on Saturday.
• Do some work on Sunday, to make up for leaving early on Friday.

Today at work (I started this post yesterday, wrote some this morning, and now am finishing it at 9pm Thursday evening), I was a scattered mess. All the furniture was pushed against a side of the room, and it took me forever to start moving it around. I stopped and started a million tasks today, my attention was all over the place and my focus was non-existent. I really hope tomorrow is better.

But! Not all is lost! I did some planning today while the 11yo was working with the batting coach. I paid the 15yo to put colored tape flags on pencils for me and she did ALL SIX CLASSES! That is 180 pencils! She actually enjoyed the repetitive activity and very much appreciated the money I paid her for doing it. Not having to tear 180 pieces of duct tape and carefully wrap them around the tops of pencils? PRICELESS! She’s about to come down to do the Sexual Harassment training module with me, which will make it way more fun, instead of an absolute slog. I’m also relieved to have cut the 11yo’s hair (this just happened) – it was my first time attempting a no-clippers hair cut for him, and I think it turned out okay (I’m sure I’ll like it better after he sleeps on it and washes it).

The biggest positive is that I bought a TV for my classroom! This may seem excessive, as the school provides one that works (and I’ll still have that one), but when they installed the “cooling system” (which seems to do what it’s name suggests!), they had to take down the old, broken TV that has been mounted on my wall for five years (the one that works is on a stand). I requested they leave the mount up, which they did, so now I can put up my own TV there, so I’ll have two! They’ll be projecting the same images (I have an HDMI splitter) – the second TV will just be a lot easier for a good portion of the room to see (the one on the stand is just not very tall). I’ve been dreaming of having two working TVs in my room for years, and hopefully tomorrow I will make that dream a reality. I found a nice 55″ flat screen on sale for under $300 (with taxes), and I bought it today. Tomorrow I just have to get it up on the mount. I am REALLY excited.

Well, the 15yo and I just finished my Sexual Harassment training. It was a new module, and instead of being kind of awful and cringy (what she was hoping for), it was really well done and thoughtful. While she was a little bummed out that we didn’t get to laugh at all the ridiculously overdone examples of sexual harassment, she appreciated the examples with queer and transgender people being portrayed realistically and respectfully. It was definitely more interesting to complete the training with her – we had some interesting conversations!

Well this post has been all over the place. Welcome to my brain at the start of school! I don’t know if I’ve ever just shown up on the first required work day, without having stepped foot in my classroom at least a couple times over the summer. I definitely felt stressed out today, but I don’t think I could have managed just showing up like that without doing some work before hand in the past. I really do think my baseline stress levels are a little lower right now, from the HRT and quality sleep. I’m still very grateful for how decent I have been feeling!

It’s August 6th today. How can that be? Every school year I can’t believe when we make it to the end, and then every summer I can’t believe how short it feels. Except in the middle of it, it feels expansive, and I try to remember that.

The end of this summer has brought some unexpected emotional complications. The night before we left for Maui, my mom called sobbing to tell me that one of her best friends, who was a close family friend, had died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. She was only in her mid-60s. My mom was (and is) obviously devastated. I was very sad. We were supposed to see her at dinner at my parents’ house right after our trip and I couldn’t wait to tell her about staying at the Bass Pro Shop pyramid. She would have loved that kitschy shit so much. I can just hear her cackling about it.

I spent much of that night crying, but I didn’t tell the kids. I still haven’t told them actually. I meant to yesterday, but then it didn’t happen. Maybe I’ll tell them on the drive up. (They knew her, but weren’t super close with her, mostly I think it will freak them out how she died so suddenly – while walking her dog! – and make them feel anxious that it could happen to anyone else they know. I know it’s brought sudden mortality to my mindset this past week.) Her loss brought a bittersweetness to our week in Maui, and I thought often about how much she would have loved to see pictures of all the fish and sea turtles. She had so much travel planned for the next few years, and my heart breaks for her that she won’t be going on any of those trips.

How does one follow the last few paragraphs? With mundane shit I guess, because that is what loss and grief are, pain that follow you through your every day life, which still has to be lived.

…

Today we drive up to Guerneville for two nights at an AirBnb cabin and a day of floating on the Russian River with my sister, who is in town from London, and my parents and kids. The husband will be staying home for this little trip; he just can’t miss anymore work.

After this trip, summer break is pretty much over.

I have to admit, I am not excited about this trip to the river. My sister and I have a complicated relationship. My parents are getting older, and it can feel hard to be around my mom especially when she’s feeling anxious about forgetting something. My sister is not what I would consider a “chill” person and my dad expresses his frustration quickly and angrily. Add onto these dynamics the loss of our close family friend, and it feels like a recipe for intensity. Also my kids will be there, which means I’ll be responsible for creating and maintaining behavioral and emotional boundaries around them.

Obviously I think there is a chance things could go okay, or I would have cancelled the trip, but I’m definitely steeling myself for ways it could unravel. There are moments when I’m really looking forward to the actual float trip (we rented tubes and the weather is supposed to be damn near perfect), and other moments when I remind myself that we have are own car and can leave if we need to at any time.

I’m also thinking a fair amount about next week, which is busy at the beginning and then back to work (for me) at the end!

The beginning of next week is busy because the kids and I have a bunch of appointments on Tuesday and Wednesday. I have my allergy shot, and a doctor’s appointment about my rosacea (which of course looks much better now – but I’m still going to go in for it). Both kids have dentist appointments (I didn’t have to reschedule the ones I made six months ago!) and the 11yo has his well visit/school sports release form visit (plus at least one vaccination, which I’m eager for him to get now, before coverage for vaccinations changes). I will be driving back and forth between two Kaiser buildings and the dentist basically all day for two days, but it’s worth it to get all this stuff done and out of the way.

Oh, and the 11yo has a coaching session at the batting cages on Tuesday afternoon. I just want him to feel comfortable enough with his basic skills that try outs aren’t super stressful for him. He’s gone to a couple weeks of Giants Baseball Camp over the years, but he’s never played on a team before. We got him a rebounding net and he’s spent several hours a week in our backyard, practicing his throwing and catching skills. The improvements he’s made is really noticeable! I hope a couple sessions with a batting coach, and some independent batting cage practice, will get him to feel better about those skills as well.

We still haven’t heard anything from his school about a 6th grade welcome day. They start a week from this coming Monday, so it would have to happen next week, and I’m worried it will be when I’m back at work (on Thursday or Friday). Mostly I just want him to be able to walk his schedule – his middle school building is MUCH bigger than his elementary school, and his schedule will be way more complicated.

I, of course, have accomplished a few things before school starts, so I can feel at least a little bit in control.

The 11yo has a new backpack for his new school. Last year’s backpack actually held up really well and I wouldn’t have gotten him a new one, except both are from Costco so their combined total is something like $60. The 15yo is keeping her much more expensive North Face backpack another year.

They both have new shoes – two new pairs of Converse for the 15yo (purchased on deep discount) and two new pairs of Jordans for the 11yo (I might hold the high tops until his birthday, because his old high tops still fit and aren’t in horrible shape).

I got them both new planners (Planner #1 recommend by SHU this week here) and I hope that checking in with them about their planners once a day will (a) happen and (b) inspire meaningful conversations about how their school years are going.

UPDATE: We’re up in Guerneville. Everyone loved the AirBnB. There is one more bed than we thought and the 15yo loves the couch bed (I’m sharing a bed with the 11yo in the room with the couch bed) my parents get a room with an en suite and my sister gets her own room too. Dinner was intense, but everyone liked their food and we all survived the time together. I think tomorrow will be fun. I’ll update again once we’re home.