Not a Wasted Word

I’m at my son’s swim lesson again. It was my husband’s turn this week, but our son was home sick on Thursday and my husband stayed home with him. For this I was very grateful, and it felt like the least I could do was take him to swimming today.

Plus, I could grade quizzes while I was there. I could get some of my own stuff done, while giving my husband some time.

Then I left those quizzes at home. Sigh.

This is yet another weekend that will require hours of work from me. My free reading program is coming to a close and we’re filming our final video skits in the last two classes. Both require a fair amount of work from me.

I’ve been thinking hard about how to change things so I’m not working so much next year. The problem is that these two giant time sucks are the aspects of my program I am most proud of. Especially the free reading program, which is the result of many years of development and tweaking. It gives the kids’ choice, and incentivizes them to read more than what is required. Reading comprehensible texts is a powerful language acquisition tool, especially at this level, and I know it’s valuable. The thought of getting rid of this program breaks my heart. So I’m trying to find ways to scale it down or otherwise make it more manageable. So far I haven’t come up with anything.

The video skits are easier to par down. We could just do two in each class instead of three. There are probably other ways I could make them easier for myself. I’ll definitely be considering that, as I don’t feel they are as effective a language acquisition tool. Of course, they are a student favorite. Everyone on campus talks about it when we’re filming our video skits. It’s kind of a big deal. And it could still be a big deal when we do two, instead of three.

The reality is, I don’t mind working some at home, even on the weekends, IF I have the time to do it. This weekend feels very full, and I’m having to make time when it feels like there are absolutely no margins. Right now I’m on the elliptical because I needed to get some work done on the computer. I’m using my last ten minutes to finish up this post.

Tonight I’m seeing friends, which I desperately need to do. I worked about twice as long last night as I intended to, so I could not work tonight (the plans were made last minute last night).

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I am so fortunate to get to see my own mother and spend much of the day with her. My plan is to work before we meet up for brunch and then to work while the family is watching Galaxy Quest (at my request).

It’s not ideal, but it is what it is. Next weekend should be my last big push, and I’ll be asking for students to turn in their pages throughout the week so hopefully I won’t have too much to do over the weekend.

I hope everyone reading this has an okay day tomorrow. I know there are lots of reasons to feel stress, anxiety and sadness on this day. I have a complicated relationship with it myself. So I hope you all find a way to take care of yourself tomorrow, and that you feel meaningfully seen and appreciated by someone you love, regardless of your maternal status.

Friday

Friday I took the day off. I got to see my son’s music performance (eight trumpets playing Old MacDonald); I went for a little power walk on the Great Highway (more on that later) and then did some strength training at home, I didn’t watch a movie but I did finish Baby Reindeer (brutal). I also got the downstairs ready to host Book Club, which included a quick mop of the floors. I didn’t end up doing any work, but I made up for that on Sunday.

It was a pretty low key day off. I’m glad I took it. Getting ready for Book Club would have been hard without that time, and I appreciated being outside on Friday because rain was forecasted for Saturday, which was a very busy day.

Saturday

This Saturday was a lot like last Saturday. I took my son to swimming and then we went straight to the dojo (this time for his belt ceremony and board breaks). We hit up Free Comic Day at our local comic book store and got an arm load of free single issues and bought a couple graphic novels.

We got home around 1:30pm and went straight to Golden Gate Park for the youth art day at the DeYoung and an LiveSF event at the band shell. The DeYoung event was definitely geared toward younger kids but we enjoyed a couple exhibits. The live music at the band shell was fun – it had poured rain all morning but by 3pm it was sunny and a lot of people were there. A Weird SF event had been cancelled (due to the rain) and it was May 4th (May the Fourth be with you…) so lots of people were out in eccentric dress or Star Wars costumes. It was very authentically San Francisco.

At home again my daughter had a friend over and we enjoyed a very silly family dinner with her. Then it was movies and hanging out.

Sunday

Sunday we had nothing planned and I was grateful for that. I made the kids breakfast and did more laundry. I got some work done and worked out and got more work done. I ended up having to work pretty late into the night, but it was so nice to have everything done on Monday morning, because it’s a lot of work to organize stuff after a sub.

It was really nice to have my own little three day weekend, and I definitely felt more rested going into Monday than I would have been. We have six more weeks of school, in 2.5 weeks things should be a lot less stressful for me. I just need to get to Wednesday, May 22nd.

Or so I tell myself.

I had high hopes for my chiropractic appointment. My lower back has been killing me and my hips have felt very uneven. I was sure an adjustment (which I haven’t had in well over a year) would set me straight. And she did have plenty to adjust and it did feel great to feel parts of me slide back into place, but my back still hurt in the car on the way to work, and my hips aren’t anywhere near “normal” yet.

It turns out one chiropractic adjustment is not a panacea.

Which of course I know, and yet my disappointment on Tuesday suggests I didn’t really know. I was hoping, nay EXPECTING that once I forked over $110, my aches and pains would be over.

I’m glad that appointment was on Monday and that I’ve had several days to readjustment my expectations around my knee appointment and, more importantly, my day off.

The reality is, she probably isn’t going to say much at my knee appointment. Honestly. I’m kind of wondering why we’re having it. I do have some questions, but I feel like they could be answered over email. I don’t really feel like her tugging on me knee does much (she always says it feels good) and absent another MRI (which I’d rather avoid) it feels like the only way to move forward is by following established guidelines and trying stuff out when those guidelines say it’s safe (ie going for a short run and seeing how my knee feels afterward).

I guess the good news is that my knee does give me feedback when I try to bend it (negative feedback, it does not want to bend!) so I feel confident that once I can start working on that, I actually will know if I’m doing too much. But she’s not going to tell me I can run when I want to, or return to sparring when I want to return to sparring, and she’s not going to tell me anything else about my knee I don’t already know. I will be sure to ask what exactly we’re hoping to achieve when we schedule the next appointment. (I made this one assuming that if I tweaked my knee is any way during the test, I could ask her about that. So I’m partly glad this appointment feels unnecessary).

{If you have any suggestions for questions to ask at this appointment, please mention them in the comments! I’ve never had an injury like this, so I’m not really sure what I’m doing, and I’m sure I’m missing opportunities left and right.}

As for my day off on Friday, countless days off that did not provide the respite I needed have conditioned me to be more realistic with that one, but I could already feel myself reaching for Friday as the answer to my stress and it will not provide that. I get to see my son’s music class perform and I will have time to get the downstairs ready to host Book Club on Friday afternoon. I think besides that I should pick one thing I want to do that day, just for me, and luxuriate in that 2ish hours. Right now I’m assuming it will be a movie and popcorn, but I may splurge on a massage. Even just a 30 minutes stretch class with a roller would feel amazing if I could do it alone in my living room without feeling guilty for not being available to other people.

A realistic treat that I have identified as my “me time” will help make that day feel special, even if I clean up and grade papers before and after that treat.

{If anyone can recommend a good movie that is streaming now, I have most mainstream services except Amazon Prime Video.}

It’s common for my expectations to require readjustment, and that is especially true when I’m really overwhelmed and stressed. The reality is, nothing is going to alleviate the feeling of overwhelm in May, except identifying my priorities, making time to tackle the most pressing tasks, and finding ways to make tackling them more enjoyable (a bingeable show or audio book I’m about to finish two) would be great – again suggestions are welcome!) I know I can accomplish everything if I just keep plugging away at what I need to do. Eventually it will be mid-June…

I’m so underwater at work right now, that I’m realizing when I take Friday off, I’ll most likely spend much of that day… working. And I was trying to think of how many other professions there are where a person might take a day off to do work. Or would even be able to do that.

I used to take days off of work to get caught up on my grading and prepping all the time. Back when I was a newer teacher who had to do a lot more prep work, I would go through all the trouble to write sub plans, just so I could spend the whole day preparing for future projects and grading past projects. It absolutely sucked. And back then I make so little money, it was even more demoralizing to spend my few, precious, sick days that way.

I also worked through most of my breaks, but that feels a little different.

Now that I have the vast majority of my resources made, I don’t work away from school as much. I still arrive at school a full 60+ minutes before my first class starts, which means I spend at least over 20 hours a month not only working but actually AT WORK that I’m not paid for. But I only rarely spend long stretches of my evening and weekend time on work. I very much appreciate that.

This year I have so many students that I have been bringing work home. I’ve spent long stretches of the last three weekends working, and I’m still behind. And this Friday I will likely spend at least 1-2 hours working as well.

Which made me think, what other kinds of jobs might one be using their paid leave to get work (for that same job) done? It would have to be a job where there is a client-facing aspect and a paperwork aspect. I’m using my paid leave to not be in front of my students, so I can grade papers and prepare materials I need for next week.

It’s a bummer to be sure. If my classes aren’t smaller next year I’ll have to jettison some of this stuff, because this level of work is not sustainable for me anymore. I just don’t have the stamina to work this many hours for this many weeks at the end of the school year.

Do you ever take time off to get work done (for the same job)? What does that look like for you?

I have been trying REALLY hard to turn my mood around, but dumb shit keeps making that hard. On Thursday my husband told our daughter that he got Charli XCX tickets, the third set of concert tickets he bought her recently. I asked him how much all those tickets cost and the amount was absolutely absurd (one of the sets was a pass to a big music festival in the area, so they were $$$). We never make purchases at that amount without consulting each other. I could not believe he had just bought all these tickets without us talking about. I felt like I was taking crazy pills. I felt betrayed. I felt really, fucking, mad.

We have since talked it out, but I’m still a little shaken. It may seem like not that big of a deal, but it’s just so outside of the realm of the way we operate as a couple. We’ve been together a long time (16+ years!) and I haven’t felt blind sided like this in at least a decade.

I tried hard on Friday to shake the week off, and I was doing a decent job. Then at the beginning of 5th period I knocked a FULL metal travel mug with scalding hot water INTO my Ugg. It burned my ankle and part of my foot and soaked my boot. I was beside myself. I was in pain and upset that my favorite pair of Uggs was probably ruined. Oh, and I was in front of 34 8th grade students.

The pain eventually subsided but putting my boot back on at the end of the day truly sucked. Damp wool lining scratching against raw, burnt skin. What a fucking way to end the week. It felt like the cherry on top of the shit sundae that has been the last seven days.

But then I went to a tent sale at the running shoe store and found the exact pair of Brooks Glycerine GTS’s that I tried on Wednesday for $75 instead of $180. They look like they’ve never been worn before, so maybe they were tried once or twice before being returned (this place lets you return running shoes for up to a month). I was very excited to score the deal, because I want my return to running (hopefully in June, fingers crossed) to be positive and my Hokas are almost a year old.

Then I ran into a former student who said she was doing great in Spanish 2 this year and was going to take Spanish 3 Honors next year, at her teacher’s urging. That felt really, REALLY good to hear. I’m always so worried that I’m not preparing my students enough for high school, since I focus more on language acquisition than language learning. It’s always such a relief to hear they are doing well.

I really appreciated those little bright spots after dropping 18 ounces of scalding tea into my favorite boot.

Maybe the rest of the weekend will bring more bright spots.

ALL THE CROSSED APPENDAGES!!!! PLEASE!!!!

This is not what I thought this week would feel like. I thought I would feel light and jubilant. Those adjectives could not be farther from how I feel.

I feel so bad that I realized pretty quickly that it’s probably hormone related. I wish I didn’t respond so poorly to even low dose birth control or I’d be knocking down my doctor’s door asking for HRT. But my assumption is that it will make me feel even more out-of-control emotionally so I haven’t pursued it. I also believe that if I say, “every kind of hormonal BCP made me a raging bitch who cried all the time, do you think HRT will do the same?” my doctor will have any idea how to respond. I think Western medicine has no idea how or why some women respond in certain ways to hormones, because it doesn’t care about the emotional well being of women, especially not of those past child bearing age.

My lower back is killing me, but I can’t do any of the stretches that make it feel better because they all involve bringing my butt to me heels, which I can’t do. I’ve been working on increasing flexion in my knee so my knee is sore. I don’t feel like I’ve gained ANY flexion in my knee, despite working on it consistently. I’m starting to worry I’ll never be able to bend my knee comfortably again. I’ve cried ugly tears over my fears that my knee will be like this forever. Now that I’ve finished my test, I’ve moved past that one concrete goal to the simple, burning desire to just have my knee back the way it was. I want to run. I want to sit cross legged, or on my knees. I just want my knee back.

A bunch of teachers are leaving at my school and it’s a bummer. Every year teachers leave, but this year a lot of teachers are leaving. They leave every year for myriad reasons, but this year many of them are leaving because of frustrations around the way things are run in our district. It just makes me wonder why I’m still there, why I stay there and have plans to always stay there. It just makes me question a lot of things, and when large amounts of staff leave it creates a lot of uncertainty.

A lot of changes are happening at the dojo too. It’s a non-profit, community dojo, so change is bound to happen. The next few weeks will bring a lot of upheaval in main leadership positions. Again, it means uncertainty in a space that has come to mean a lot to me. I’m struggling with it.

Things at home aren’t great either. I feel like the efforts I made while my husband was away are not being recognized, and instead I feel like I’m being criticized for reacting negatively under pressure. It drives me all kinds of crazy when I’m put in impossible situations and then when I’m pushed to my limit and snap, he tells me I need to chill out. If he had to get through last week he would have totally imploded, but I’m not allowed to even blow off some steam after seven days of intense stress.

He’s also miserable at work, so he’s totally unable to support me. Right now I have nothing to give him, and I can tell he’s a little surprised by my lack of empathy. I just can’t right now.

It’s been a shitty week. And this weekend won’t provide much respite. But I took next Friday off (or I’m going to put in for it – my friend said she can sub for me), and I’m really hoping I can recharge then. It feels impossibly far away, but hopefully my hormones will even out before then, and my chiropractic appointment early next week will provide some relief for my back.

Tomorrow is Thursday. I hate Thursdays, and tomorrow will be as especially bad Thursday. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. God I hope it’s not as bad as I’m imagining…

I finished my belt test without hurting my knee. I am so relieved that it’s over.

Since seconds after I hurt myself almost 8 weeks ago I’ve hoped that I could take my test. Every time I didn’t skip my rehab exercises, every time I strapped on my brace, I did it to make my chances of testing a little higher. And now that test is over and I can put all the weight of that worry down.

I can also stop reviewing one steps and forms and arm bars and weaves in my head. I can just let it all go. It’s such a relief.

And yet, this morning I woke up and was reminded that the rest of my life has been waiting for me and still needs attention. A lot of attention.

My husband came home late last night and I was reminded that his presence does not solve all problems. In fact, in creates a few.

So yes, I’m feeling all kinds of relief. And I’m very grateful.

I’m also tired and facing down a long list of things to do. A very long list.

At least practicing my form isn’t on it anymore.