Not a Wasted Word

I recognize that the severe case of the “mehs” that I have right now is due, primarily, to a lack of anticipatory joy. With nothing to look forward to, it’s hard to trudge through the days.

{The dread I feel about the future – especially the fall – is definitely exacerbating the negative effects of a lack of anticipatory joy.}

I was thinking about how useful anticipatory joy is as we were watching Hamilton last weekend. We has been waiting for it for months. It was one of only two things we were looking forward to and we took great pleasure in counting down the days as we listened to the soundtrack around the house and in the car. When the “bright spot” got cancelled it, looking forward to Hamilton helped us getting over our crushing disappointment.

Actually watching it didn’t end up being all we had hoped though. My daughter didn’t make it through five songs before she went into her room to read comics. My son made it through most of it, but he was playing with other stuff for the second half.

They both really liked it (my daughter came back in when her favorite songs were on), but I doubt we’ll watch it again. I wasn’t surprised, or disappointed, by how it went down. I knew the anticipatory joy was going to be the greater reward – and ultimately it was. Looking forward to Hamilton served its purpose, even if the actual experience wasn’t what we anticipated.

I think I rely on anticipatory joy to get through my days, and my life in general, more than I realized. Clearly I need to practice being in the present, appreciating the current moment and planning for the future without judgement or fear of the unknown. Maintaining a strong Zen Buddhism practice would have done wonders for me during this uncertain time. Maybe now is the time to look to those resources (I still have a few of the most useful) in an attempt to lessen my dependence on anticipatory joy to get through the days.

Today SHU wrote about how she is tired of doing the same thing every day, of checking off the same boxes (literally, for her, because she is a big into paper planners), and I have to say, I feel her.

Every day feels the same. Every day is Blursday.

A lot of people I know are at least getting away to a family house by the river, or to the beach for a weekend, or even a week. Even two or three nights somewhere else would be so welcome. Just being able to leave our house, and do something, would be so welcome.

It’s been four months of pretty much the same thing. And yes, our “same thing” is pretty nice since we both have jobs but neither of us have to leave the house to do them. Our kids are old enough that they don’t need constant supervision; right now my son is in camp and my daughter sees friends almost every week day. This is a dream situation, considering…

We have a really good situation, and yet I’m still… struggling to get up every morning. We’d normally still be in St. Louis. I don’t know when I’ll get to see my extended family again.

Next week is my 40th birthday. I was thinking about at least having a couple of friends over in my backyard (I hosted a similar get-together for a friend’s birthday a couple of weeks ago), but my closest friend is away that weekend so it doesn’t feel worth it. I don’t usually do much for my birthday, but I was planning something this year since it’s the big 4-0, and I’m sad it will pass just like any other day.

I know I’m just throwing myself a little pity party. I have a lot to be thankful for, like my son being in camp, and my daughter having friends who can come over and pass the days with her in our backyard or at a park. I have beautiful spots to run outside where there aren’t very many other people I need to worry about passing (and it’s cool enough hear that running is still very pleasant).

We have our downstairs space and I LOVE IT and it makes me happy. The upstairs now feels so big and spacious – I’ve never loved this house more.

Our backyard no longer sends me into a panic at a mere glance. Instead we’re using it almost every day. It’s a really generous outside space and we did a lot of work months ago so we could take advantage of it, and now we actually are! The weather has even been warm and not too windy and I was able to set the girls out there with art projects last week instead of taking them to the park (and yes I recognize how lucky we are that it’s not hot and humid here all summer!).

I’ve joined a Curriculum Club for the way I teach Spanish and I’m spending 3-4 hours a day working on plans for next year. I love creating curriculum and I appreciate having colleagues I can work with to plan for a year of distance learning.

And in two weeks BOTH my kids will be at camp, which will give me the time I need to really get everything ready.

So honestly, things are really good, and yet I’m struggling. My marriage isn’t in great shape – my husband and I see each other more than ever but he feels so distant – and that probably isn’t helping. Everything requires more energy and neither of us have any by the end of the day. I feel like I’m always the one who initiates repairs in our relationship, and I’m resentful it’s on me, yet again, to do that.

Actually, writing this made me feel a little better. We watched A Bug’s Life tonight (one of my favorite (and in my opinion totally underated) Pixar films, and I’ll be fixing myself a drink soon (only drinking on the weekends does make it more special and different that the rest of the week, which I appreciate). Hopefully we’ll just watch Lodge 49 tonight instead of spending 30 minutes scrolling through 180 minute long movies on the Criterion channel (choosing what to watch is a constant source of stress for us and it’s wearing these days). Tomorrow is Sunday which means I have to fight less with my kids, which is something.

Yeah, I think it’s time to fix myself that drink… lately I’ve been enjoying tequila in limeade.

What are you drinking this weekend?

I am so tired of the should-schools-reopen debate. It’s a cyclical mindf*** that goes nowhere and I’m not going to engage this weekend. Maybe for a while.

The reality is we have no idea where we’ll be in a month, but we can make educated guesses and even in San Francisco, which has been slower to reopen than most places, we probably won’t be able to open at the start of the school year no matter what the plan is (we can’t open until we’ve had two weeks of falling case numbers and currently they are rising). At this point plans are pretty much useless, so I’m not going to stress about them.

I am going to think about possible solutions to probable problems, and I’m going to keep working on distance learning curriculum, because I know for sure that Spanish will be taught online next year (though I’m not sure I’ll actually be teaching it…)

Meanwhile, I’m relieved it’s Friday. While the days have been less stressful, and more productive, it’s clear that camp has been a big adjustment for my son and he is ready for a break from the long, active days. I’m ready for a break from hosting my daughter’s friends in the backyard (it’s ultimately less work for me than having her upstairs with me, but it’s still work).

On a happy note, my glasses finally came in today and it’s SO NICE to see clearly. Man oh man I have been struggling. I could get by without my glasses for months (I lost mine early in SIP and I couldn’t order a new pair because my Rx was too old), but it wasn’t pleasant. I’m so thrilled to have a new pair.

I hope you all have a restful weekend. Stay safe.

Let’s step away from the pandemic for a minute shall we?

I’m sure I’ve written before about my weird tendencies around rewearing my clothes, and how I have very strong feelings about when it’s appropriate to rewear articles of clothing throughout the week. I only shower when I work out, which is 3-4x/week, and whether or not I will put on a previously worn article of clothing (mostly pants) depends on where I am in my shower schedule.

This creates scenarios where I know I want to wear something again but I can’t put it back into the drawer with the clean clothes (they are clean! The clothes I’ve worn are not clean!), and I if I hang it over the laundry hamper it might be contaminated by the dirty clothes. (Yes, I recognize everything I’m writing here is absurd.)

This has seriously been a point of annoyance for me for years. Before we moved downstairs I used the elliptical machine (which was only a few feet from my side of the bed) as a massive hanger of “mid-cycle” clothes, but being downstairs I was at a loss.

I looked and looked for a laundry hamper with a towel rack ladder attached to it. I found one, from PotteryBarn Teen that was nice, but it only had one hamper bag and we need at least two (we’re actually used to three (whites/colors/perm press). Since I couldn’t find one, I decided to make one myself.

The hamper came yesterday. I already had the ladder from IKEA. I put together the hamper while I participated in the SFUSD town hall about reopening schools in the fall.

Here is the final product.

It’s just a weird little thing (that I’ve wanted for a long time! but I’m so excited to have it. I really hope it brings me as much join as I expect it will.

Have you ever put together something that you really wanted, but couldn’t find anywhere to buy?

The second day of camp was fine. My son had a great time, though he evidently got VERY upset about “getting out” in a couple of games and had to be talked down by his “pod leader” (which is not surprising and one of the things he needs to learn how to manage away from home)! My daughter and her two friends spent four hours in our backyard making clothes for old Barbies I found and painting with acrylics. It was another good day.

Then my husband sent me an article about San Francisco’s school opening plan, which will not be officially announced until very late July, less than three weeks before the school year starts.

While they aren’t announcing anything yet, the message is clear. Only some students – the ones who most need to be in the classroom – will be invited back in the fall. The rest of the students will be taught entirely online for at least 1-2 months, maybe longer.

This means my kids won’t be going to school, but I WILL be four times a week.

I’m really not sure how we’re going to make that work.

My husband won’t be able to work full time if this is our scenario. I was able to make it work because I only had five zoom meetings a week, and could do the rest of my work in the evenings and after my kids went to bed. My husband has calls and meetings all day long, there is no way he can be working and being with our kids all day, let alone helping them learn.

I was already planning on trying to find someone who could help my kids with online learning 2-3 times a week (a group of us were going to pool financial resources and have the person meet with a our kids together in a backyard), but there is no way that will cover the amount of time I’ll be away.

I would ask my mom for help, but I don’t feel comfortable with her being near my kids while I’m at school seeing an increasing number of students who are old enough to transmit the virus (most studies show kids 10 and under aren’t big transmitters, but middle schools are 11-13 years old).

I’m really not sure what I’m going to do. Perhaps there will be day care available for essential workers, though I don’t know if I qualify if I’m not a teacher in the city’s district (it would be really messed up if that were the case).

I knew this was a possibility, but seeing other district’s plans I assumed SFUSD would also manage to bring all students back for at least a couple mornings a week. Evidently that won’t be happening. And what exactly are my kids’ teachers supposed to be doing… teaching one group for part of the day in the classroom and then transitioning to online for the rest? There is no way teachers can manage that.

Ugh, this is going to be so, so hard. I don’t know what we’re going to do.

All I can say is that I’m so thankful we got our son in camp this session, because it’s very likely he won’t be in a classroom setting for a long, long time.

My son really enjoyed camp. He bounded out with a huge smile on his face, immediately launching into a story about how he made a new friend.

{I will admit I breathed a massive sigh of relief upon hearing that he had a good day. I haven’t been that nervous about my son being somewhere since his first day of preschool.}

My daughter and her friends (and my friend) had a nice day at the beach, which was empty because it was too windy and cold to really enjoy it. But the girls played in the water a lot (until their chattering teeth forced them back onto the sand) and I got to run (while my friend watched the girls) and we got home right in time to pick up my son.

Screen time was cut in half. There was no fussing when we turned it off. My son fell asleep a full hour earlier than he has in months.

It was a good day.

And since I don’t have the time or energy to write more, I will share this article, that feels very important right now.

I am a teacher and it’s July so I’m not working right now. Why would I put my kid in camp, during a pandemic, when I don’t really need it?

Well, the short answer is, I feel like we really do need it. And here is why.

My son is struggling. A lot. He struggles with emotional regulation and he struggles with interpersonal relationships. He absolutely needs to be practicing reciprocal peer relations right now. He only has one good friend, that he can’t see much because he has asthma and his parents are (rightly) very caution. We’ve only had three socially distanced play dates with them, which means my son has only had three interactions with a kid his age in the past four months (they all happened in the past three weeks). While he has spent considerable time with his sister’s friends, that is obviously a different dynamic. I believe interacting with kids his age is really important for him right now.

My daughter needs some space from her brother. They are together always. When she is with the few friends we are seeing during shelter in place she has to include him. She and her friends are very good at making him a part of their play, but he makes it hard. He is acutely aware that they are being forced to play with him and he resents that they get to be together and he does not get to be with his own peers. This creates a lot of conflict. With her brother at camp, she and her friends will be free to play without having to navigate his complicated feelings.

I need a break. I’ve been struggling as much, if not more, than my son. The final trimester of the school year, when I was working constantly to implement distance learning while also supporting my own children’s distance learning, almost broke me. Spending every minute of an unstructured summer with my kids has been exceedingly difficult for me. The anxiety and depression I’ve been battling scare me. It has not been an easy time and I have not weathered it as well as I would like.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if I lack the grit or resilience necessary to see this through. Other families seem able to manage the days without succumbing to what at times feels like crippling anxiety. Maybe I do lack something that others have. I don’t really know and I’ll probably never know. All I DO know is that I will be a much better mom to both my kids (and wife to my husband) if I get some time and space from them. I am acknowledging and accepting my limits and planning accordingly. I know I am exceedingly privileged to have a camp option that works for us financially and logistically. Many families do not have that option and I recognize how fortunate I am to have it myself.

I am a teacher in a district that is going back to the classroom in some capacity next year. Barring another complete shut down and renewed rigid shelter in place order, I WILL be on campus in mid-August with 32 kids in my classroom during the week. If we are still going to school after six weeks I will be seeing 120 kids on a weekly basis. My kids will also be at their school (if they are invited back), which means they will be exposed to at least 24 kids between the two of them every week (at a school that serves primarily low-income Latinx students, whose families are disproportionately affected by the coronavirus). We don’t have much choice in being exposed to others (as so many have had no choice since the start of this). There is definitely a feeling of… if not now, soon when it comes to considering how much more exposure we’re risking by sending our son to this camp now, and then both our kids to different camps in three weeks. We will be taking on a lot of exposure in mid-August, so starting now only accelerates the timeline. Maybe that is an ignorant mindset to embrace, but it’s where I’m at right now.

I will be working. While no one is expecting me to work during the next six weeks, I will be working. I have to do an incredible amount of work this summer if I want the fall to feel less frenetic, chaotic and stressful. As an elective teacher I will absolutely be teaching my Spanish content entirely online. I will probably also be teaching some core classes – most probably 7th or 8th grade math and science. The amount of prep that will create for me is mind boggling, so getting some quality Spanish curriculum ready before the year starts will help me tremendously. (There is a slight chance I will be teaching 5th grade entirely and not teaching Spanish at all, but I’m choosing to forge ahead with the assumption that I’m teaching at least some Spanish next year.)

And yes, I could manage to get work done with my kids home. Families across the United States are doing that right now. But doing that would make me, and my kids, very unhappy. Why makes my life exponentially harder now, when I know it will be incredibly hard in six short weeks, if I don’t have to?

I know judgement of other family’s choices is rampant right now (I’ve fallen into a mindset of righteous indignation on more than one occasion myself), and that many think summer camp is an unnecessary risk that only the families with no other option should be willing to take. We are definitely not one of those families. We have options – more than the vast majority of Americans – and yet I’m still putting my kid (and then kids) in camp. It may not be the right choice for everyone, but we believe it’s the right choice for our family.

{I really hope it is the right choice for my son – he has been with us exclusively for so long, with so much unstructured time, I worry about how he’ll handle the transition away from home and family and into a highly structured environment of a camp-during-coronavirus social distanced activities. I think if he finds one kid to befriend we are good to go, but if not it could be difficult. If he really doesn’t like it, I’ll obviously pull him, but I’m really hoping that is not how it goes down. I will let you all know.}

What is your opinion of summer camps during the coronavirus?

Lest we forget.

Trying to focus on some small bright spots right now.

Today Hamilton streams on Disney+ and we’ve been waiting a long time to see it. We can’t wait to watch it later today. HAMILTON IS FINALLY HERE!

I really love our downstairs unit. It makes me happy. I spent a lot of time (and money!) making it perfect and it has really paid off. Now I just need to spend more time down there…

I’m really enjoying my book right now. It’s the second installment of the Inkheart trilogy (I’m reading it in Spanish and I’m not quite sure of its name in English… Inkblood? That doesn’t sound right…) It’s a YA fantasy novel and I want to read it all the time, which feels good.

I’m really enjoying the third season of Dark, which just came out last week. I rewatched the first two seasons with my husband (who never watched them before) and man do I love that show. It’s hard to follow and there is a good chance it won’t pay off in the end, but I’m enjoying it while I watch it!

I got my son into a camp for the second session, which means he starts on Monday. I think it’s going to be really hard, especially the first week, as it’s been a LONG time since we had to be anywhere (or have been apart!) but I also think it will be good for him and I know it will be really good for me. Almost four months together has been hard on both of us. He needs to be with kids his age and I need a break from being with him.

With my son at camp it will be much easier to have my daughter and her friends outside. My son requires an incredibly amount of energy to manage, and things will be much easier with him off doing fun things.

Now I might just get the work I need done so that next fall isn’t a total shit show. I am highly motivated to take advantage of this opportunity.

My husband is off today, which means he can use today to get caught up on work and then actually have the weekend to hang out. That will be very nice.

Happy 4th of July. Stay safe.

Well, July is here.

We are usually in St. Louis this week. We spend 4th of July at the farm with all my aunts and uncles, and my cousins and their kids. It’s the highlight of every summer – of the year really. Seeing my extended family is very important to me. I’ve only missed a handful of summers in St. Louis – the only one I can remember for sure was the summer my daughter was born. When I was a kid, and we lived in Hong Kong, we spent the entire summer in St. Louis. I am very close with my family there.

But this year we won’t see them.

I know if in the grand scheme of pandemic related sadness, this falls low on the list. But I’m sad this week. Really sad. I’m hoping that after the 4th of July weekend I’ll feel better.

My birthday is later this month, though and I think I’ll be a bit down in the dumps until it’s over. I’m turning 40 and I actually had plans so it’s sad they won’t be happening. My birthday even fell on a Friday this year. I remember how happy I was when I realized that… seems like a long time ago. Such a silly thing to be happy about, but I was, back then.

I need to start getting some work done, on the house and for work. I have no idea what next fall will bring except more chaos and uncertainty and stress, but there are steps I can take now to make that time less chaotic and stressful. I really can do work now that will make my life demonstrably easier in the fall.

I’ve spent two weeks wallowing in a shitty depression. It’s likely I won’t claw my way out of it entirely, but I’ve been depressed for a big enough portion of my life that I can usually make myself do some shit despite how much harder it is. (Goddamn, depression makes it hard to motivate.) Maybe if I get started I’ll feel accomplished and it will help get the ball rolling.

Right now I’m just hoping the kids’ camps happen. If I could get three weeks at the end of the summer to really get some shit done – and to get a break from them every day – I might just make it to the end of the calendar year. I’m pretty sure my daughter’s camp will happen but I worry about my son’s. His is the one I need more, so a part of me will have trouble finding a sense of calm until that has actually started.

In at attempt to end on a positive note: On Friday Hamilton will be streaming on Disney + and my kids are incredibly excited about it. They are obsessed with the music but neither has seen it (I was putting in for the cheap seats lottery for months before the pandemic hit but I never won). Friday is going to be Hamilton day, so at least we have that. It’s something to look forward to, and it’s nice because otherwise this weekend will offer nothing really – no fireworks, no barbecues, no hanging out with friends, no nothing. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.