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Being a Better Delegator

Posted on by noemikjames / 5 Comments

I struggle with delegating work to other people. This has always been a problem for me, in both my personal and professional life. It’s something I definitely need to work on, now more than ever.

This week the PTA board is officially embarking on a 2.5 month effort that will culminate in a four hour fundraising event. I’ve created a series of Google Sheets in an attempt to organize the effort. One of the sheets has a list of weekly tasks. An adjacent column has the beginnings of a list of names by each item. Already I see my own name next to too many things. I know I need to give some of this work to others, but I’m not sure how to do it, especially when people don’t offer to take it on. Do I indicate the tasks that require point people and wait through any amount of awkward silence until someone steps up? Do I ask someone specifically to do something? And once tasks become the responsibility of others, how do ensure they are getting done? I want to do weekly check-ins, and I’m sure everyone will agree that’s a necessary component of the process, but I’m already worried people won’t get their stuff done. How should I handle the inevitable failure to meet deadlines? How do I hold people accountable, while resisting the urge to take on their work?

I hate having to do something I know I suck at, but in this case it’s absolutely necessary. I can’t put on this event by myself. I need help, and lots of it. I hope I can figure this delegating thing out somehow, before it’s too late.

Are you a good delegator? Any tips for someone who needs to learn?

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Success!

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

Last night was a success! It was crazy and exhausting and harder than I expected but in the end we raised $570 (a huge amount of money by our standards) and the parents and kids seemed really happy. Most people mentioned seeing us again next month.

And next month our Parents’ Night Out month is on the 9th — Lunar New Year is observed by our district on the 16th and we figured a lot of people would be out of town for the four day weekend — so it’s only three weeks away. We exchanged ideas to make it better (and easier!) next time over group chat last night and will confirm those changes at our board meeting next week.

All in all I’m really glad we did it. In the future we’ll have more people helping (it was one board member’s birthday and another was at Legoland) so it shouldn’t feel so intense. We’ll also have a much better idea of what we’re doing and when so it will run more smoothly.

All in all I’m very pleased, and excited to continue these events. It’s definitely a great way to get the surrounding community to support the school, and to have a positive association with it. Double win!

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Our First Financial Success

Posted on by noemikjames / 7 Comments

Tonight our PTA is hosting a Parents’ Night Out to raise money. Parents pay $20 a kid ($15 for a sibling) and get 3.5 hours of childcare. We take them to the playground (glow sticks!), feed them dinner (Mac n Cheese and chicken nuggets!) and show them a movie (Trolls!) Tonight’s theme is Neon Night.

We attempted this fundraiser last year, got about 15 kids and made a little money. This year a woman who used to (and still periodically does) run a similar event at a nearby Rec and Park sent out an invite to our event to everyone on her list (at our request). Even though she ended up sending it much later than we had hoped, we still got an overwhelming response. We now have 32 kids paying to come, and with plans to do this every month (and the emails of all these parents who are interested), we are poised to make quite a bit of money for the school.

Fundraising at a school like my daughter’s is especially important because of the significant economic needs of the students. It’s also really difficult for that same reason. Planning a fundraiser that brings in money from the surrounding community, and creates a positive association with the school, is a double win for us.

This was my idea and I’m doing most of the execution. I will also be the parent most involved with the kids tonight because I feel very comfortable with large groups of kids I don’t know (being a teacher has its perks!). If this even goes well (the kids have fun and the parents want to come back) it will be a massive win for us, and especially me. And I really need a win right now.

Wish me luck!

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Parenting Doubts

Posted on by noemikjames / 29 Comments

{First of all, a big thank you to everyone who left kind, encouraging words on my last post. It does help to know why you all read… Moving forward I hope to write more posts that are about specific topics and not just run-downs of my day-to-day. We’ll see how I do…}

I remember when my daughter was young and I spent a fair amount of time tracking her milestones and worrying vaguely when it felt like she was behind. I always wondered if I should be doing more for her “development,” that low-grade anxiety always simmering in the background.

Then my 2nd child was born and I was just trying to keep my head above water. And while there was some concern over his ability to meet eating milestones–we attended some PT with swallowing specialists–I mostly stopped caring about milestones altogether.

Those years were mostly focused on my daughter and her needs. We saw a “feelings helper” for a while, we got a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder and learned how to understand and accommodate our daughter’s needs. Then there was the transition to Kindergarten, vision therapy, and just getting through the days with a full time job and two kids.

2nd grade has been great for my daughter. She has flourished academically and socially this year. And while she’s still struggling with her big feelings more than I think most kids her age, she is doing really well overall. She’s now seven-and-a-half, can read and write and regroup. She meets all the academic expectations set by us and the school. It’s easy to feel like we can just sit back and relax for a bit, that we don’t need to keep pushing.

But I’m realizing there are other skills we may be neglecting. Our daughter can’t really tie her shoes. I mean, she can do it, when under duress, but she has HATED, and basically refused to wear, the two pairs of shoes we’ve gotten her with laces. While she can swim (keep her head above water), she doesn’t know how to do any of the strokes. She can’t ride a bike. We haven’t yet introduced an instrument.

A lot of this stuff has happened by seven, or can start. I could definitely ride a bike by seven, and I remember my parents thinking my sister was odd when she couldn’t. I started playing the piano at seven (maybe even six actually) and I could definitely swim all the strokes… I absolutely was tying my shoes on the reg.

I spent Saturday morning at a soccer class with my son, and then we met his friends at a nearby park to ride scooters and bikes. All his friends (none of whom are 5 yet) could ride two-wheelers without training wheels. I have never even put my daughter on a bike WITH training wheels, let alone without, and my son refuses to give his balance bike a real try.

They both love swimming lessons but we haven’t gone since before the summer. It’s so hard to find lessons for both of them at the same time, and the thought of taking them separately, at two different times during the week, makes me want to die inside.

I hadn’t even considered an instrument until I heard all the parents talking about what their kids play.

It’s so easy to be complacent, to just get through the days. I’ve always known I was less inclined than other mothers to put my kids in extracurricular activities. They are so expensive! And such a pain to fit into our schedule. Also, I HATE missing a class I’ve paid for–it’s one of my worst pet peeves. So my kids’ friends go to sports workshops or gymnastics or dance or art or drama and my kids go to… Girl Scouts (which I hate) and soccer (which we’re newly going to). For the past seven years I’ve been able to shake off the guilt, reminding myself that they are still young and don’t need all that stuff yet. But my daughter is not so young anymore. There is a reason so many kids start an instrument at seven (or before). There is a reason soccer classes for 5-year-olds are so popular.

I definitely want my kids to like sports, and feel confident in their ability to play them (or at the very least do something physical that requires some skill and determination). I want them to play an instrument, or at least practice playing one. I swam year-round for years and credit the sport with keeping me sane in middle and early high school. I am incredibly grateful for the years I played piano and still feel proud for the level of technique I achieved. I want my kids to have these experiences as well, to learn not just the specific skills required to play a sport or instrument well, but also the resolve needed to practice when you don’t feel like it, and the determination required to keep attempting something even though you’re frustrated and continue to fail. I want them to feel the pride of finally managing what they couldn’t manage so many times before, and also the delight of recognizing how far you’ve come.

It’s so easy to throw so much of myself into my work, and my daughter’s school, that I don’t have much left for these endeavors. When the simple act of making them finish dinner, or put on clothes to leave the house, let alone homework, requires SO MUCH effort on my part, the idea of creating yet another obligation is truly daunting. It would be one thing if they were self-motivated to swim better, or ride a bike, or tie their own shoes, or play a sport or instrument, but so far neither has asked. They don’t seem to care, yet, that they can’t do these things. I don’t know if I have the energy to care enough for all of us.

What do your kids do? How do you choose their activities? What are your plans moving forward?

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More

Posted on by noemikjames / 7 Comments

I wonder a lot why I keep writing here. I wish I had more to offer.

Yes, I believe my story is valuable. I love reading other people’s stories, and it seems some people are interested in reading mine (thanks!), but I wonder sometimes if I could be doing something different, and more productive, with this space.

In my old space I wrote for me, to process all the feelz. There is less to process these days. My life has taken on a monotonous pace, and in the absence of big feelings to work through, I can’t help but consider the purpose of this place.

Also, I think my writing has actually gotten worse over time. I went back to read some of my first posts here and I didn’t recognize the writing. Even then it felt like I was tackling bigger issues; now most of my posts are run-downs of my days, and not very articulate ones at that.

I think a part of me expected to some day have my Aha! Moment, some epiphany to lend purpose, or at least direction. But that epiphany never came, and I continue to struggle with the many issues (spending, clutter, overwhelm, job dissatisfaction) that still plague me, after having abandoned others (friendship, community, creativity, mindfulness) along the wayside of life. I don’t know if I want this place to be mostly a brief summary of my days, but I don’t know what else I have to offer…

At this point I keep writing because I can’t imagine stopping. But that isn’t a real reason to continue doing something.

It’s something I’ll be thinking about.

Life

2nd Day Back

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Thank you everybody who commented on my last post. Now I’m even more excited about my trip! It was so awesome to hear that people have been (or lived) there and loved it. I’m am super stoked to go Nicaragua.

Now I just have to get through the next seven months… 😉

Today was our second day back since the break, and I was reminded yet again, that the second day back is almost always harder than the first. On the first day back you are tired, but you have energy saved up from all those days of not being at work. On Monday I was up at 5:45am like it was my regular wake up time. I felt more awake and ready to go than I did most days on break. But today I slept right through my 5:45 alarm and almost missed my 6am wake up call as well. I was still trying to keep my eyes open at 6:15, and it wasn’t out of bed until 6:30.

I was exhausted all day.

Monday there were teachers from a neighboring district’s middle school watching me teach for their professional development. I would normally schedule some really low-key activities for me and my students on the first day back, but since I had teachers watching I had to bring out my bid guns. While it was very gratifying to meet new teachers who were super interested in the way I teach (and told me I did a great job), it was HARD to rally on the first day back. By the end of the day I was totally done.

My kids were also done by the time I picked them up, and the evening was a shit show. I was so happy when they finally went to bed. Unfortunately I had some PTA stuff I had to do, so I didn’t get to bed nearly as early as I wanted to. Today I paid for that.

I’m not going to make the same mistake now, especially since Wednesday is my hardest day of the week. I need to get my daughter to school early, and then it’s go, go, go until the end of the school day. I really hate Wednesdays.

So now I’m headed to bed… Sweet dreams!

Life/Parenting & Family

2018 Destination: Nicaragua

Posted on by noemikjames / 20 Comments

It is still my plan to live abroad, in a Spanish speaking country, with my kids for a year or two. I almost wrote “goal,” but the words we use are important. This is a plan, not a goal. It isn’t on my bucket list, it’s something I expect will happen.

It is also my plan to travel with my kids to Spanish speaking countries for a few summers before we live abroad. Last summer I thought that 2018 would be a good first time to take them to a Spanish speaking country. Then the bed bug situation happened and I accepted the fact that my traveling money was going to be spent treating our tenant’s unit, if not our whole house. I let go of the idea of traveling abroad with them this coming summer, and I must admit I felt a significant amount of relief.

Then I did some thoughtful reflecting on 2017 and realized traveling to Ecuador was absolutely the highlight of the year, not just the experience, but also the fact that I made it happen. That trip is the accomplishment I am most proud of from 2017.

I let all that germinate for the first week of the break. Right before the new year I decided, tentatively, that the summer trip was back on. I didn’t feel super excited about it, but I recognized that it was important for me to at least try to make it happen.

The first step was getting the kids’ passports ordered, and I’m so glad I thought to do that over the break because it would have been a total PITA to get all four of us to a passport office during business hours.

The next step was to decide on a place to visit. I knew I couldn’t do all the work necessary to make this trip happen if I wasn’t at least a little excited about going. I first narrowed the destination down to Central America, because it’s closer, and cheaper to fly to, than South America. Then I took Mexico, Guatemala and Costa Rica out of the running because I’m still weary of traveling in the parts of Mexico I’d like to visit, I’ve been to Guatemala twice, and I want to save Costa Rica for when they can do the zip lines and white water rafting (and I’ve been there twice as well). Finally, I borrowed a bunch of Central America travel guides from the library and read about all the countries that were left.

Of them, I landed on Nicaragua and PanamĂĄ as possible destinations, and ultimately decided on Nicaragua because (a) it’s cheaper than PanamĂĄ, which uses the dollar, (b) it’s really hard to travel there without speaking Spanish (so we’ll need to use our Spanish!), and (c) it sounds fucking awesome. Nicaragua was not much of a travel destination–with that pesky Contra War in the 80’s–but now that it’s experiencing a period of relative political stability, the tourism industry is picking up. Nicaragua has volcanoes, coasts on the Pacific and Caribbean, and some amazing lakes. Since my biggest goal on this trip (besides speaking Spanish) is to get in the water on the cheap, Nicaragua seems like a great option.

My plan right now is to be there for three weeks–my husband with us for one–toward the end of July/beginning of August (when the rainy season is a little less rainy). I have a general area in mind, with some specific places I hope to visit, but otherwise I have no idea where I’m staying or what I’m doing.

The one thing I am certain of, is that this trip is not going to be the three (or four) of us prancing around pristine beaches, soaking up the sun. I know it’s going to be a roller coaster of highs and lows, and that I’m going to have to take a TON of crap from my kids. I’m not planning this trip to relax, or get away from it all. I’m doing it to have an experience with my kids that will force us all to grow and gain perspective, and that ultimately I will learn from. If I go into it hoping to gain experience traveling internationally with my kids, I will appreciate the trip no matter what happens. Ultimately I’d love to feel more confident traveling with them after this, but even that feels like a high bar to set. Mostly I just want to do it, to show myself that I can. That, I have some control over.

So, I’m going to Nicaragua this summer. I’ll let you know how the planning goes.

Have you ever traveled internationally with kids? Any words of wisdom?

Life

Goodbye Winter Break

Posted on by noemikjames / 2 Comments

Today is technically the last day of winter break (the last day I actually get off). I must say, it was a pretty great two weeks. I actually love when Christmas is at the start of the break, and most of our days off come after that big day. That way I avoid spending my time off doing last minute stuff for Christmas, and instead get to enjoy the down time after. It’s even better when we get two extra days off, because Christmas is SO close to the start of the break (like this year! Squee!) Those two days really did make this break feel long and luxurious.

But the best thing about this break? How little we had to do. Most days we just stayed at home, and while there were moments when I worried the kids’ bickering would drive me batty, most of the time we all enjoyed each other. The whole family has gotten cough after cough after cough since Thanksgiving, so it was nice to have some extended time to rest. And while my daughter did get sick again this past week, now she seems much better. I think we are all officially on the mend after over a month of respiratory maladies.

I think what made this break so great, was the balance between getting stuff done and doing nothing. And while I look around the house and wish more had been accomplished, I recognize how much I enjoyed all the nothing I did over the past two weeks. I think I struck a good balance.

The first week of break was all about now-me, the one who just wanted to indulge in the present moment: lie around and read and watch TV and play The Room. The first week of break, I let myself do all of that, without laying on the guilt trips, and it was awesome. The second week I decided that it wouldn’t be fair to f*ck over future-me by doing absolutely nothing of substance for the entire break, so I got off my ass and got some shit sorted. There was still plenty of time for fun stuff, and I think I was in a better mind set to do shit after having such a long break off.

Fun things I did:

– Read Echo by Pam Muñoz Ryan (in Spanish). I’m a sucker for quality YA fiction, and this was really good!

– Finished The Room 2 and almost finished The Room 3 (they are so fun, seriously, try the first one out). I’m actually taking my time finishing the third one because 4 doesn’t come out until Jan. 25.

– Watched Mindhunter (a Netflix original series) with my husband. It was surprisingly awesome – I would definitely recommend it.

– Watched most of The Magicians season 2 while I was getting other work done.

– Slept in until my son woke up, which happened most days around 7:30! It was blissful to sleep so late.

– Stayed up until midnight, secure in the knowledge that I’d probably still get 7 hours of sleep. So amazing!

– Drank cocktails on weeknights. (Not every weeknight, but a few.)

– Played The Room a lot with my daughter. She is incredible at that game! (And it’s fun to go back and revisit the rooms I’ve already finished.)

– Spent a wonderful 24 kid-free hours with my husband celebrating our 12/9/4 anniversary (12 years together, 9 as domestic partners, 4 married).

Shit I got sorted:

– FINALLY sold this huge stroller that had been taking up space in my garage since the summer.

– Took down the tree and hauled it outside.

– Packed up all the Christmas stuff.

– Graded and inputted the work for my four 7/8 classes.

– Made my grandmother’s calendar! (This took at least 7 hours!)

– Made the summer photo book and sent copies to my aunts and uncles (this took another 4 hours!)

– Moved a bunch of toys and books to the garage, where they will live for a few months until I am sure my kids don’t remember them, at which point they will be given away.

– Packed up all my son’s 4T clothes and many of his toys.

– Actually dropped off those clothes and toys at my friend’s mom’s house. (This part is huge, as it can take MONTHS for me to make that final step!)

– Create a flier for PTA (in English and Spanish) and copied it.

– Planned the first week of school, and went there today to make copies of everything. I am set and ready for the first week!

– Went to the SFUSD enrollment office to get questions answered, and then visited two TK and aftercare programs.

– Filled out my son’s TK application, gathered the necessary documents, and then had my HUSBAND turn it in! He texted me three times while he waited, bitching about how inefficient the process is. Yeah. Tell me about it. (He also remembered to articulate that he never has to do that kind of stuff, and to thank me for always doing it for us – double win!)

– Filled out the paperwork, gathered the documents, made the copies and got us all to the Post Office on time for our appointments to order the kids’ passports.

– Deep-cleaned the trashcan in our kitchen. It was DISGUSTING.

– Deep-cleaned the shower.

So yeah, I actually did a shit ton! And yet, it felt like such a restful break. And while I did get pangs of envy reading other people’s posts about trips to amazing places, I’m ultimately grateful we didn’t go anywhere. Staying home for two weeks was exactly what I needed. I’m so, so thankful for this break.

And while I’m not 100% prepared to return to the grind this Monday, I know that I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Bring it on.

Life

Revisiting my 2017 Goals

Posted on by noemikjames / 10 Comments

So I was feeling really “meh” about making resolutions, and/or setting goals for this year, and then I remembered the goals I wrote out for 2017. I knew before I even revisited them that I hadn’t achieved most of what I set out to do last year, but I was really struck by how LITTLE I accomplished. Of course there were things I did that weren’t on my radar in January of 2017, but there was a lot on my radar at the start of the year that dropped off completely. Revisiting this list, and seeing how little I actually accomplished, just makes me all the more committed to NOT formalizing goals in 2018. Clearly, writing out goals is a waste of my time, as I don’t achieve them. Even more evidence that I need to accept myself for who I am, and be okay with my life as it is.

Q1 (JAN-MAR)

PROFESSIONAL
*Write and teach “fĂștbol” chapter. I did end up writing this, barely.
Connect with two difficult students in each class. Nope. I never do this. And I always wish I did. And my classroom management still sucks.

PERSONAL
Meditate 5-10min/day during work week. Bwahahaha! I can’t remember the last time I meditated. I don’t think it happened once this past year.
Take Vitex every morning and Tumeric every night (make this a habit). I don’t take either of these anymore, but I should start taking Vitex again (my period has been super wonky lately, and I do believe Vitex helps regulate it). I AM taking Magnesium and B-6 daily though, so that’s good.
CREATIVE
Draw pictures for “fĂștbol chapter.”  I started to do this, and it was taking forever, so I ditched the effort completely.
HOUSE
Find contractor and make appointment to look at water damage and talk about the possibility of pocket doors. We still have not done this, and we really, really need to.
*Get heating ducts/furnace replaced. We did this! Yay!
FINANCIAL
Track spending for 3 months. Ha! Still haven’t done this, despite trying SO MANY TIMES.
Only buy necessities. Again, a goal I never achieve. Not ever.
FAMILY
30-60 minutes of quality time with each kid per week. I don’t know if I did this. I do think I am better about trying to carve out QT with each kid each week, but it’s a lot harder to make that happen now that my ILs spend most of their time in Texas. They move there indefinitely in February so it’s not going to get any easier…
*Buy St. Louis tickets for summer. I did do this, but I’m not sure if I did it in the 1st quarter. We got decent flights for a decent price so I’m fine with it.
MARRIAGE
*Hang out 2 times per week (put on calendar). I don’t think we were doing this at the beginning of last year, but we are probably doing this now. Thank you Desus and Mero!
Friends:
Meet up with a friend one time per month. Remember how I spent a couple of years obsessively trying to make new friends and doubling down on my past friendships? Well, not surprisingly, nothing came of any of it. I’m down yet another close friend, and haven’t made any new ones. The only thing that has changed is I stopped caring about having/making good friends, and I think I’m much happier since I let that go. It’s not something you can make happen, no matter how hard you try.

Q1 GOALS ACHIEVED: 3.5/14

Q2 (APR-JUNE)
Professional:
*Apply for at least 2-3 jobs (even if I’m not really interested in them). I did this! And then I didn’t get any of the jobs I applied for! But I did this!
Prepare “fĂștbol” chapter for TeacherPayTeachers and post. Did not do this. Barely had this chapter ready for the end of the year, and ended up using other people’s illustrations so I couldn’t sell it.
Purge when I pack up my classroom (UGH!!!!) Didn’t do enough of this, and I’m paying for it now.
PERSONAL
Meditate 10-15 minutes a day. Nope.
CREATIVE
Morning pages during work week. Nope. God, I forgot I even did this, or read the Artist’s Way, or thought so much and so hard about creativity.
HOUSE
Purge winter clothes before packing away. I really struggled with purging this year. I don’t know why.
Purge kids’ toys. See above.
FINANCIAL
Review tracked spending. Hard to do this when I didn’t track my spending.
Make short- and long-term financial goals with husband and create action plan. We did not do this. We have never done this. We should really do this.
Continue only buying necessities. Ha! I love that I assumed I would make it three months with this one.
FAMILY
Spend 10 minutes of QT with each kid 5 days a week. This does not happen 5 days a week. At all. Maybe twice a week?
Create list of city adventures to take with the kids during the summer. Did we take any city adventures this summer? I don’t think so… I honestly can’t remember…
*Plan San Diego trip. We eventually took this, but I remember we were planning it right before we left so… this kind of happened?
MARRIAGE
*Continue hanging out once during work week and once during weekend. I would say this happens now, I don’t think it happened then.
*Listen to the same podcast during week and discuss during hang out. We watch Desus and Mero instead. And my husband shares his favorite tweets with me, and we laugh. I consider each of these half-achieved, as I managed them eventually, if not at the time.
FRIENDS
Meet up with a friend 2 times per month. Definitely didn’t happen.

Q2 GOALS ACHIEVED: 3/16

Q3 (JULY – SEPT)

PROFESSIONAL
??? Yep, that’s about right.
Get Day of the Dead chapter ready and post on TpT. I totally forgot I even wanted to do this. Damn.
PERSONAL
Meditate 15 minutes a day. F*****ck, I really wanted to meditate. Meditating is not even on my radar these days. It’s weird how we obsess about things that later we don’t even think about…
Have list of at least 5 Spanish-speaking cities/countries I want to visit with kids. I’m kind of doing this now…
Train for a late summer half marathon. This didn’t happen and I really need to revitalize my exercise regimen…
CREATIVE
Morning pages during work week. Nope.
*Make St. Louis photo book. I finally did this! Last week! (Half-point for doing this eventually!)
Take photos with my Olympus once a week. I haven’t busted out my Olympus in AGES…
HOUSE
Do ultimate “junk stuff” purge. Sigh, I wish.
Organize/clean/purge garage. Sigh again. I really wish.
Work on backyard (specific goal to be determined). Oh my god, my backyard looks like the end of days. Just glancing at it out the window causes a panic attack.
FINANCIAL
(Insert action items from Q2 discussion). Bwahahaha!
Continue only buying necessities. Bwahahahaha again!
FAMILY
Go on one city adventure a week (see Q2 goals). Nope. We didn’t do much this summer, at least not when we were home.
MARRIAGE
Go away for a long weekend. We haven’t done this in a long time. We haven’t even had a weekend-long staycation. Boo.
FRIENDS
Meet up with a friend once a week. Nope, but I did do a lot of communicating with the women on the PTA, which I think is what makes me feel okay about not having many good friends.
Visit a friend during the summer. Nope, but I will be seeing a friend in London in April! Whoot!

Q3 GOALS ACHIEVED: .5/17
Q4 (OCT – DEC)
PROFESSIONAL
??? (Not sure where I’ll be at this point). Losing your mind about not having a classroom, and finding out you won’t have one again next year. Not a great place to be.
PERSONAL
Meditate 15 minutes per day. Nah.
*Add new strength training regimen. I got kettle bells, and then realized I needed to be trained in how to use them, or I would hurt myself. I have not yet figured out how to be trained in how to use them, so I don’t really use them. At least I tried! (I will give myself a half-point for this.)
CREATIVE
Re-read The Artist’s Way (or sequel). Totally forgot about this book, and that I ever read it. It’s amazing how something can be so meaningful at one point, and then totally leave my mind completely.
Morning pages during work week. Nope.
HOUSE
Purge summer clothes. I don’t even understand what I meant here. Mine? The kids’?
Work on backyard (specific goal to be determined). As I stated before, my backyard is a shit show, and I have barely set foot in it since summer.
FINANCIAL
Continue only buying necessities (son’s birthday?). How could I have thought I’d make it an entire year doing this?! I didn’t even make it one month.
Price out summer trip abroad. Just looking into this now.
FAMILY
*Trip to Disneyland for son’s birthday? We did this! And it was awesome!
MARRIAGE
*Read an article and talk about it every week. Nope, but we still got Desus and Mero! And my husband’s twitter feed. We frequently read the same TPM articles and talk about those too. I’ll give myself this one.
FRIENDS
Continue meeting up with someone 2-3 a month. I don’t see anyone just for fun anymore, but I do talk to other women, who are my friends, about PTA stuff, which is something…
Q4 GOALS ACHIEVED: 2.5/12
As is clear from this extensive list, I totally failed at achieving the goals I set for myself last year. And it’s not just the specific goals I missed, but the overarching life I clearly wanted to live, that I didn’t manage to live, at all.
Moving forward I will focus on acceptance of what is. I think that is where I can make an actual difference.
Life

New year, same shit

Posted on by noemikjames / 4 Comments

So, 2018 is finally here. May it be less of a raging dumpster fire than 2017 was.

Seriously, 2017 was a really shit year. And I didn’t even have it that bad! For some people it was a nightmare.

And honestly, I’m having a hard time getting excited about the new year being “a clean slate” and “a fresh start.” I used to eat that shit up, the promise of a new beginning, the excitement of not only a new month, but an entirely new calendar, all crisp and clean, without a creased corner or blemished page, nothing but promise and possibility.

Now all I feel is, meh.

I’ve done it so many times before. Started the year with goals and resolutions, plans and proposals written out with neat little bullet-pointed tasks to accomplish. It has never amounted to anything. I’m still here, still trying to make positive changes, still struggling with the same shit.

And yes, I’ve done stuff that has made a difference. But even those positive results eventually disappeared, buried under habits I can’t change and the tendencies that have created them.

It’s not all for naught. My marriage is better, though I couldn’t explain why. Maybe the many books I read eventually helped? Or we figured each other out enough to better avoid the many pitfalls we fell into before? Or maybe our kids are just easier and so life is just easier and so our marriage is just easier. While I am so, so grateful that it’s better, it’s not something I feel I accomplished.

And other things are… better? Not as bad? I do feel more acceptance about my job, mostly because I know there is little-to-no chance of me getting a better one, especially when you take into account the tenure and years of seniority I’d lose if I left.

I am more accepting of the fact that I will never be a neat or organized person. Sure, I think I’d be a whole lot happier if I could keep my house or my desk at work neat and organized, but I just can’t seem to do it. The amount of effort it would require is just too great. I would basically have to let go of everything else in my life that is important if I wanted to keep my life neat and tidy and organized.

So I guess acceptance (it’s hard not to write resignation) is the key. Acceptance of this shitty political situation. Acceptance of the fact that I don’t love my job and probably never will. Acceptance of my messiness and disorganization. Acceptance of who I am, and who I will never be.

Sure the number we write with the date has changed, but nothing else has. I certainly haven’t. And I am okay with that. Do I wish I could change more? Sure. Might it be healthier to accept myself, and my life, for what it is? I think so.

Are you writing resolutions this year? Do you feel excited for this fresh start?