It’s Saturday afternoon.
My son is (trying) to take his nap.
My daughter is playing with her friend (who sneaked in right after I shut my son’s door).
And I am on the elliptical for the first time in four weeks.
I had my second follow up appointment on Thursday. My doctor is pleased with how things are progressing, despite having to cut and burn off some “granulated tissue.” I’m not where she thought I’d be by now, but she does think I will eventually heal and she still thinks I will “love my new vagina.”
I am not so sure. The prolapse continues to be a real issue. While before I never really noticed it (except during my period when it prohibits me from wearing a tampon or cup), now I’m constantly aware of it. Right now, working out, it’s quite uncomfortable.
After a couple of weeks of physical therapy I can see the doctor that specializes in prolapse. I really want to avoid surgery (it’s not supposed to be very successful, or last very long even if it is initially successful), but so far the pessary has been totally useless (it just gets against the same spot my cervix pushes against). Maybe when the Botox wears off it won’t be such an issue, but my current doctor seems to doubt that. I guess we’ll see in the next couple of months.
Of course the final verdict of success will be if it still hurts when we have sex. Evidently I’m allowed to try when my husband comes back from SXSW tomorrow(!!!), but I can’t imagine I’ll feel ready by then. I originally told him 6 weeks and I think I’ll continue with that narrative. I want to feel very ready before we try again.
Still, I do admit that it’s finally starting to feel more normal down there. This past month of recovery has been much more difficult and stressful than I had anticipated. I hope in the end that I’m glad I did it, but right now the jury is definitely still out.
In less vagina-centric news…
We had a great Parents’ Night Out event last night. It was our third one and I think we’re all getting the hang of it because everyone agreed it was much easier to manage. We aren’t planning one in April, so there is only one more scheduled in May. Yay!
Our carnival is exactly three weeks from today. We found out we qualify for a $1,500 grant from an organization that promotes weekend use of school yards, so that is amazing (I probably would have been spending about that much of my own money had we not gotten this grant, so I am especially excited). We don’t have nearly enough volunteers, but otherwise we are in good shape. I hope we can pull it off successfully. We’ll see…
Two days after the carnival I leave for London. When I take the time to think about it I get SO EXCITED. I can’t think of a time when I so needed a break. I am worried to leave my family for so long (I’ll be gone until the following Tuesday!!!), especially after solo parenting for six days. But mostly I’m just so, so excited to get away from my regular life and visit a city I love (and a friend I haven’t seen in years).
Some events recently have left me acutely aware of how important friends are, and how few good ones I have left. The reality is, I don’t have a best friend (or even a good friend) and I am no one’s best or good friend, and while most of the time I accept this, some days it still hurts. Lately I’ve been made to remember that everyone I consider a friend has someone else they confide in more, and they hold a higher tier in my friendship hierarchy than I do in theirs. I have also been reminded of the friends I’ve lost, and the fact that they still have tons more friends, so my absence is probably not even a blip on their radar, while theirs leaves a gaping hole in my life. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t get or stay close to people. Am I flawed in some important way? Probably. But overall my life is pretty great, and it could be a lot worse, so I’m trying hard to focus on what I have instead of what I don’t have.
Man, it is uncomfortable to work out like this. I really hope I can get this prolapse issued sorted, because if I had to trade pain-free sex for this feeling, it won’t have been worth it. At all.
Still, so, so happy it’s Saturday.
Lovely to hear from you. Glad PTA things are showing hopeful progress and delighted re the funds found.
Only hope I can offer surgery results is that I find full recovery always takes LOTS longer than assumed and scars take an even longer time to heal and attain ‘normal/final’ result.
Being quite ignorant about prolapse, would hysterectomy improve things? Enough to make the other side effects of such a surgery worth doing it? Not a light decision for anyone and I have no idea of the issues involved.
Wonderful you get to visit a friend in London and have some vacation time for you and healing and hopefully resting (despite the jet lag involved.) Excited for you; London in early spring should be lovely.
Life and friends change at different rates and different directions at different times in our lives. Not easy, but keep being you because you sound like a person I would have enjoyed when I was your age … and we really never do well when trying to be other than our authentic self. So keep expanding the circles of people you know; when you are older it is clear that a single or very small group of friends isn’t really the best plan as everyone ages. That leads to loneliness. Belonging to many groups is better; and sometimes old connections fit better again after life events change. Think about what your mil is doing to make connections in a brand new place after all her years in/near SF. If her plan is working then follow that equivalent path and keep with hope and efforts.
I’m glad to hear you’re feeling more normal! I hope that continues.
Friendships…I get your feelings. I’ve often been in the position of being the odd one out or a “lesser” friend and that hurts 🙁
I always feel weird when people talk about their bffs. I don’t have one either or anyone in the running.