I’ve read enough articles with subtle, and less subtle, and straight up overt, messaging that I should take advantage of this upending of my life as an opportunity for personal growth. I am in a stable enough position that these suggestions don’t feel as offensive as they might, but they still irk me. But maybe they irk me for the wrong reasons. Because, like all good, upper middle class white ladies, I’m always itching for an opportunity to shed my old issues, to grow stronger in the face of adversity.
But, as always seems to be the case, I’m not quite sure how to do it.
I even just finished Untamed, which one would hope would lay some solid ground work in the area of “finding oneself,” and yet…
I find myself falling back on my same old coping mechanisms. I find myself spending my money in ways that don’t align with my values (::cough:: Amazon ::cough::) for the sake of convenience. I find myself making all of the same choices I wasn’t thrilled to be making before. The “perspective” that the world can change at any moment, and the “great pause” that shelter in place has “provided,” is doing nothing to nudge me in the directions I want to go.
Maybe this just isn’t enough of a crisis for me personally, to force hard change. I haven’t lost my income, I haven’t lost my health, I haven’t lost anyone I love. I haven’t lost anything really, except the superficial trappings of my old life. Everything is still here, it’s just been rearranged enough that it looks entirely different.
I’m struggling with this, when I have the time to think about it. Maybe, as we slowly return to the pieces of our life that are allowed, I’ll start thinking about what I want to add back in. I’ve been surprised by what I’ve missed and what I haven’t missed, but I don’t know if the magnetic pull of “how things used to be,” of my well programmed subconscious, can be bypassed by any conscious revelations that have occurred along the way.
Honestly, I think the only reasons I have been handling this so well, especially all our cancelled plans this summer, is that we have the downstairs to figure out, and it’s new and it’s fun and it needs things to go in it. If I didn’t have that to fixate on, to write lists for and to plan out what to get and when, I’d probably be struggling a lot more with the reality of this situation.
So yeah, I guess I just wrote the most obnoxious post in the history of coronavirus posts. But I swear it was inspired by other articles! I didn’t just wake up one day thinking… hmmm… it’s the end of the world, maybe I should focus on personal growth! While hundreds of thousands of people are dying! And the world’s economies are collapsing!
The past few weeks have been relatively good. There was that deep dip last week, before my period, but otherwise I’ve been fairly even keeled. I guess my brain finally stopped thrashing against this reality and settled in. And I have enough space and support to make it work relatively well (I also think I lowered my expectations, especially around work). So I guess I’m not in survival mode. Things have shifted, it feels like there is a modicum of white space in the margins. Just a little. And that is why I’m now thinking about how I might harness this insanity as a force for change in my own life. I just wish I knew how.
I guess I can say that I’m dealing with uncertainty way better than I have in the past. I suppose I’ve learned that along the way. I keep pulling up a blank email to ask my principal for the number of kids that want to take Spanish next year, and then I am reminded that knowing that will tell me nothing because we aren’t sure if we’re offering zero period (we might slash it for budget cuts, which would VASTLY reduce the number of kids in my classes because most of them care more about band than about Spanish and they only take Spanish if they can take both), oh and we’re not even sure how we’re going to go back next year AT ALL. So I close the email and I don’t ask the question, and it doesn’t feel that excruciating to let it go. I wonder about what being at the other middle school will look like, but again, I know there is so much uncertainty that no one can answer my questions so I let it go. My cousins keep talking about maybe still going to St. Louis, and while I assume that we will not join them if they go, the possibility of them going, and us staying at home isn’t driving me crazy. (I know the summer is not a source of stress for me, like it is for most people, because I don’t have to work while my kids are off, which definitely helps take the agony out of the question about summer camps.)
There has never been a singular event of this magnitude affecting so many people at the same time. Will we ever really be the same? Are we changing without even realizing it? And if we are, can we do anything to nudge that change in certain ways?
So there you go. The most obnoxious post of the coronavirus. You’re welcome. ::Flourishing hand gesture. Deep bow::
Maybe your opportunity for growth in this is to realize that you don’t have to take this as an opportunity for growth just because some self-hope experts write articles saying you should? 🙂 Getting through it is enough and it sounds like you are doing that successfully.
This made me laugh (in a good way; I didn’t find it obnoxious at all). Rather than “personal growth,” I am focused on knocking out all the projects I’ve wanted to do for years but I find – no matter how many we cross off the list (and it’s been a lot!) – I STILL feel like I’m not accomplishing enough and with “all this extra time” I SHOULD be able to accomplish more (never mind that fact that I’m working full time from home and parenting two young kids). I’m annoyed with myself (both for not getting more done and for being annoyed that I’m annoyed that I’m not getting more done, if that makes sense). Ugh. So annoying. 🙂
I have occasionally been quite annoyed by posts from friends about fun activities with their kids, baking, decluttering, remodeling, etc., simply because I have been far too busy during this lockdown to do any of that stuff. I am working full-time, managing at least 80% of my twin sons’ distance learning, preparing meals for them three times a day (when I normally only do breakfast), and generally trying to keep our house at least habitable. In short, I am even busier now than I usually am. . . and on top of it, I have to worry about the possibility of catching a virus that has a high probability of putting me in the hospital or killing me if I catch it (I’m high risk).
So yeah. . . not really a time for self-improvement here. I am just gratified to have gotten through the last two months still employed, eating mostly heart healthy, exercising 5-6 days a week, with my sanity intact.
I agree 100% with this. It’s cute people keep suggesting that people reflect, learn new things & change behaviors (not related to the pandemic), but after an average of 3+ Zoom meetings every day, I have no energy for it. I will not be learning a foreign language; we will not be baking bread; my son is doing online schoolwork but apparently sporadically based on emails from teachers. And do I care? Not really. This situation is unprecedented and I’m so ZFTG.
And I apologize – my reply was not directed at anything you have posted. I’m frustrated by the articles, tweets & posts I see about making the most of every minute of this time. I’m exhausted and working full time (my org is involved in helping to source PPE for the state). My husband is stressed when he leaves the house every 10 days or so to run errands (because grocery delivery has become challenging). My child’s anxiety has spiked even though we have been trying to explain and reassure him. I’m just frustrated with requests to use this time to improve ourselves.
KeAnne- If you need masks, the company I’m working for is selling them. It’s not our normal business but oddly enough we had the opportunity, and are helping where we can. N95’s made and distributed in the U.S. I came to comment something else, but I saw your comment and had to let you know because I know those suckers have been hard to find. If you want more info let me know chb916@gmail.com
Anyone who thinks another person ‘should’ be using this time of death and disease and manifesting disrespect for other people’s lives (for their personal economic profit) should guess which finger is raised on my hand.
FOR SOME PEOPLE there may be personal growth. For other people it is economic devastation. For other people it is permanent disability. For other people (what 80,000+ Americans?) it is death , and not just of seniors but infants, children, young adults, parents, and … .
You were NOT obnoxious. But you have read some other posts that absolutely were/are …. and the degree of privilege is shocking. You are learning/practicing how to cope, survive, be resilient and keep on carrying on in negative and hard times. Hugely different from ‘shoulding personal growth’ to others.
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KeAnne- If you need masks, the company I’m working for is selling them. It’s not our normal business but oddly enough we had the opportunity, and are helping where we can. N95’s made and distributed in the U.S. I came to comment something else, but I saw your comment and had to let you know because I know those suckers have been hard to find. If you want more info let me know chb916@gmail.com
I can not imagine using this time to learn a new skill or declutter. Does my house need it? Absolutely. Do I have time? *Laughs hysterically* I’m working 16 hours a day and still trying to sleep. Nope, no time for things like decluttering, new skills, or fabulous fancy meals….. If everyone is fed it’s a good day. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one.
Agree 100%!