Not a Wasted Word

And trying not to fall asleep…

This week has been super busy. Monday I taught basics and forms. Tuesday I went to Sparring. Wednesday was a professional development meeting and my daughter’s Back to School Night. Today I’m getting my allergy shot and going to Costco (and working out). Tomorrow I’m assisting at the dojo.

I’m glad I did so much at home this past weekend. I’ve also stayed up late a couple nights to grade papers and input scores.

Things feel slightly more manageable, but only if I keep moving. Not sure how long I have the stamina to keep it up.

My brain is definitely struggling. I can’t think of what else to write. I’m just starting at my phone screen.

One thought before I go. My student teacher has started taking over the opening activities we repeat every day. She’s doing a good job, but she takes forever to finish them. And I’m realizing that I pack A LOT into a class period. I move fast and use my time wisely. I plan the activities carefully and am prepared to move quickly through transitions. Maybe part of why I’m always so tired is I do so much in a 55 minute period. Definitely something to think about.

Sometimes I want to come here but I feel like I have too much to say. Or I don’t feel like I can recap a weekend without recounting some event that requires it’s own, more thoughtful post.

This is one of those times.

The weekend was… rough. Saturday morning our downstairs bathroom exploded and it became clear quickly that it would require a massive sum of money to fix it.

Then we had an application appointment for our kids’ passports and I made the same mistake on both their applications. So I had to fill them out by hand. And when I got to the end of my daughter’s and I wrote a 0 instead of a 1 somewhere and was told I had to start all over again I lost my shit. Not at anybody but just in general. And my husband demanded I get calm immediately I and just couldn’t. And honestly I didn’t think I should have to because the whole process was so unnecessarily tedious and difficult. I hate that kind of shit so much.

My run afterward didn’t feel great. I had a side stitch and the pain on the left side of my leg and hip wouldn’t go away. It just wasn’t what I needed to undo the damage done at the post office.

My husband barely spoke to me the rest of the day. But I refused to apologize more than once and we never really talked about it, which honestly feels like a win on my part. I’m always apologizing for having regular human emotions, and I’m kind of tired of it. He never apologies for the way he reacts to things and he isn’t perfect either.

I did spend some time thinking about why I lost my shit like that, and besides the fact that I was super stressed by the bathroom blow up and impending many thousand dollar quote from the plumber, I think mostly it’s watching my husband slowly fall into the same despondency that dogged him all of last year. I just can’t do it again. I can’t provide him the support he needs and I can’t be so entirely without a partner.

So yeah. Rough stuff.

Sunday was better. I got so much shit done. I just put my head down and did it. I won’t list it out, but I will say that I crossed some old shit off big lists and I felt better for it.

I think mostly I just wanted to see if getting on top of some shit at home would make things at work feel more manageable. But today felt anything but. I lost my Friday prep to a meeting with my student teacher and her supervisor and I lost today’s prep to another meeting with my student teacher to figure out what she’ll be teaching on the days we schedule last week. I know that eventually I’ll get some of this time back, when she is teaching some of my classes instead of me. But right now it’s just leeching prep time from me, and I’m drowning at work because of it.

Tonight I had to teach Basics at the dojo and I was dreading it. I had stress dreams about it last night and I considered calling to say I was sick. But I showed up and did it and it went much better than last time. I’m glad I stuck it out, and I’m glad I don’t have to do it again for a few weeks.

Tomorrow should be better than today was. I think I can get out from under some giant piles or papers and that will make me feel better. In the evening I’m going to Sparring at the dojo and I always love Sparring.

We’ll see if all the work I did this weekend start to pay off.

Days have been long this week. Suddenly I had piles of stuff to score. It was weighing on me. So I stayed up late last night and even later tonight to comment on all 95 of my 1A “me gusta/no me gusta” slide decks. It’s a super easy assignment for them to share their likes and dislikes and I take the time to comment on each one. It took forever but it always feels worth it.

I also scored the reading and writing portion of my 1B classes first assessment. They did so well! I’m so impressed. Their previous Spanish teacher must have been amazing! I’m kidding but maybe not? This group is high but also my 1A program is pretty effective. This class will be able to do amazing things if I hold them to a higher standard and I expect to do that. And to tell them I’m doing it.

Things at home are rough. I asked my husband for more support and he stepped up and now it feels like he’s imploding. I know the start of the school year is as jarring for him as it is for me because I take on a lot of his responsibilities during the summer, when he’s working and I’m not. My going back to work is a big shock to both our systems and I hope things even out soon, but September is crazy and October will be crazier and I don’t see when we’ll get a break.

Our 15/10 anniversary is this coming January and I want to go away for it. We haven’t gone away together in ages and I’m dreaming of 4-5 nights away and maybe planes to get us there. Not sure we can swing that logistically or financially but I’m sure going to try.

I emailed my doctor about the side-of-thigh pain that I can’t shake, and I can’t seem to self-diagnose. Nothing I read about online seems to match it, so I’m going to see if a real doctor can help me. Who knows if Kaiser will actually provide that doctor of if I’ll have to find one myself, but I took the first step and that’s something.

It’s 12:30am and I need to go to bed. I haven’t been sleeping great, and tomorrow is a long day. But it feels so good to have those comments done! I’m so glad I did them. They were weighing on me. Maybe the way to let go of heaviness is to do the shit that’s weighing you down. At least sometimes that is probably the answer.

It was a good weekend. It was a long weekend! And a long weekend was exactly what I needed after what felt like a VERY long week.

Some wins this weekend were:

Friday was a minimum day which means I got 1.5 extra hours of prep in the afternoon and I still left at 2:30 (a little before we would normally get out at 3:10).

I took back two pairs of Madewell jeans AND didn’t get anything on the sale rack there or at Athleta! Woot!

Assisting at the dojo was pretty fun, and I picked up pupusas (six for $20! And they are so good!) as we left.

My husband and I started watching Irma Vep on Max. I have a major crush on Alicia Vikander and my husband loves the director (Olivier Assayas) so we’re both quite happy with it.

Saturday morning at the dojo was fun. My final sparring was with a friend who is basically at the same level as me, but it’s clear she has gotten a lot better at ground grappling while I was away all summer. It definitely lit a fire under my butt to start going to sparring more.

My parents picked up the kids Saturday afternoon and my husband and I had a date night. One of our favorite local restaurants got a liquor license (tl;dr it’s SUPER hard/expensive to get them in SF) and their new drinks menu is amazing. We also saw Bottoms at the Alamo Drafthouse. Bottoms was great. The Alamo Drafthouse was great. It was a really fun night.

Sunday morning was slow and low key. My husband made breakfast and we watched more Imra Vep. We walked to the library to return a book our daughter had kept too long (we couldn’t renew it) and to get coffee and sweat treats at a favorite local spot.

At 1pm I took our bikes down to ride with my parents and kids. My son’s bike was having some brake issues, but after we resolved them we all had a nice time. I’m glad we got them back out on their bikes again.

Sunday night our daughter went to her other grandparents’ house and my son, husband and I watched two episodes of the new One Piece show on Netflix, which is based on one of my son’s favorite manga series. Surprisingly, we all liked it a lot.

Today I woke up with the alarm I forgot to turn off, but then I fell back asleep (at least for a bit). It was nice knowing I didn’t have to get up and get ready for work at 6am.

My husband, son and I played some of the new MarioKart levels this morning. Now I’m working out on the elliptical (it’s so foggy that I couldn’t rally to run, and since I’m not training for anything right now, I’m letting myself take a break on running until I really want to do it). After breakfast my son and I will hit up the Academy of Sciences for a bit. Then we’ll come home and watch another One Piece before daughter comes home. We’ll probably play the new MarioKart levels with her, then we plan to listen to some The Hollow Boy (third Lockwook & Co book) while we draw and play solitaire.

All in all it was the weekend I needed. This week at work will be a little more low key, but next week is crazy again (with what I’m teaching at school, and the fact that I’m signed up to teach Basics at the dojo on Monday).

I read a blog post about “letting go of heaviness” that spoke to me. Sometimes I’m not sure exactly what I’m feeling emotionally, but “heaviness” definitely fits and I appreciated that feeling being articulated for me. Now I need to work on recognizing it, accepting it, and then deciding if I want to continue holding it. I hope to work on letting go of heaviness more this month.

Yesterday I was at work for 13 hours (Back to School Night). This morning I was back less than 12 hours after I left. We had a long meeting after school learning our new grade book (it sucks). It was 90* at work and the AQI was in the red. I ran a bunch of errands after work and didn’t get home until almost 6pm. Tomorrow I have four block periods and no prep. These are loooong days.

I haven’t been to the dojo in almost two weeks. I haven’t been for a run in at least that long. I’m trying to give myself grace right now, but I feel like I’m falling short all over the place. I am so glad we have pretty much nothing planned this weekend (besides date night!)

My daughter is struggling with the start of 8th grade. There is more homework to manage, more tests and quizzes. I’m glad they are ramping things up, because she needs to be prepared for high school, but right now it’s hard.

I have some kind of stomach thing right now, and it’s not pleasant. My son had something like this earlier in the week and it only lasted a few days. I hope mine is similarly short lived.

I just got our tickets for the movie on Saturday night, using the gift cards that I didn’t actually use. So that is good news.

Not a lot else to report right now. Just getting through these loooong days.

Right now my 13-year-old daughter is having a melodramatic meltdown about, well, everything, and “that’s whack and mid” is being uttered a lot.

Back in my classroom and it’s SO MUCH middle school. Middle school all the day.

Whack and mid indeed.

Last week was rough stuff. I cried at work on Friday. Several times. It wasn’t great.

The weekend was better.

Saturday my cousin and his son were in town. I hadn’t seen either in several years. Close to a decade? It was really good to see them. My parents brought them up to the city and we walked around the farmer’s market at the Ferry Building and then up the Embarcadero for a while, before getting dumplings at a very popular spot in Hayes Valley.

I left around 2pm to pick up my son from a birthday party. He and I walked home – it’s about two miles – and it was nice to spend that time with him. When we got home his grandparents were there to pick him up so my husband and I could head to Berkeley to see Sigur Ros at the Greek Theater.

And let me just say, Sigur Ros at the Greek Theater was NOT whack or mid. It was amazing. First off, the Greek Theater is a way cooler venue that I remembered. I need to go there more often. Also, they were playing with a full orchestra and it was phenomenal. I was excited to be in Berkeley with my husband, and to see them, but I honestly hadn’t considered it being a stellar show. But it was, and we had so much fun.

We also had dinner before hand, so we really made a night of it. And since both kids were gone the next morning we got to hang out more on Sunday.

But we didn’t hang out too much because I felt a deep need to “get my shit in order.” And I did, well, enough to feel like I was on firmer footing for this week (especially after a couple more hours of work I did Sunday evening).

Today was a much better day at work. I really don’t love the first three days of school – the schedule is always weird and we don’t have enough time with the students. Plus, I always have students moving into my classes so I never feel like I can just get started already. This morning my rosters are finalized – there will be NO MORE schedule changes! Hooray! – and we got started on some real language acquisition. I felt much better today.

Tomorrow night (Tuesady) is our Back to School Night. I found last years slides and I like them. I only had to change a few things on the 1B slides to explain better about skipping Spanish 1 next year. I’m feeling pretty good about tomorrow night actually. As long as I don’t sweat through my nice clothes before the school day is over… I may just bring them to change into, because it’s supposed to be almost 80 again, which means in my crowded classroom it will be at least 85…

Our son was home sick today, but my husband stayed with him and now he seems fine. I’m so glad because I really didn’t want to miss any school this week and usually I take the second or third day of a kid being home sick.

Oh, and I FOUND THE GIFT CARDS! The ones I thought I left in the cart at Costco. They were in my work backpack, which I searched A MILLION TIMES! I don’t know where they were. I was reaching into the front pocket for a fun-sized bag of M&Ms (which I never found) early in the drive and then when I went to grab my backpack at home they were both just there, about to fall out of that pocket. Where had they been?! I know I looked in that pocket (along with all the other pockets) multiple times. I did not see them there (and they are in Costco packaging, so they are NOT small). Who knows? All I know is that I found them and I’m so happy that I didn’t actually lose $150 worth of gift cards.

Not much else to report right now. I hope this week continues to find me on firmer footing. And then the long weekend! My husband and I are planning another date night (this time the kids will be with my parents) and I’m very much looking forward to that. We plan to see Bottoms, which looks like just the kind of movie I will love.

Thanks for all the feedback on my last post. I do think people feel the hosting expectations of boom club have ramped up considerably and want to tame them again. Evidently the only one I went to was especially extravagant which means my only point of reference was not representative of actual expectations. No one told me that until they saw my spread last weekend.

We covered our kitchen in tin foil and it made no difference in our crazy cat’s behavior. We’ve been telling our cat to get off the island for months and he clearly doesn’t care or isn’t learning so I doubt just saying no and putting him down will help. I guess double sided sticky tape is the next step.

Today is our final staff day before students come tomorrow. I think I’m ready. Someone asked me how long I had been teaching and I realized this is my 20th year. My husband remarked that soon I’ll have been teaching for longer than I was alive before I started teaching. I didn’t love that idea, but all in all I’m happy with this profession. I fell into a position that ended up working well for me and I’m very grateful for that, because I wouldn’t have known to search it out.

I met my student teacher and she seems nice. We have kids of similar ages. She has been working, in different capacities, at a charter school nearby for many years so I think she’ll be great in the classroom. I’m feeling a lot better about that commitment at this point.

I taught my first adult class at the dojo last night. Now that I’m a blue belt it’s expected that I teach the Basics class every 4-6 weeks. My first attempt was not stellar, but with the help of a friend I got through it. I do love the community of the dojo. I have fallen into a very supportive cohort of mid-high belts and I’m starting to feel like I really belong there.

The weather has been weird this week, warm and kind of muggy. I guess we’re getting some ambient Hilary vibes up here. I just hope it’s not too hot in our classrooms for the next few days.

I hope everyone who is managing back-to-school in some capacity is having a decent time of it. It’s definitely can be frantic time of year for me.

I hosted book club on Saturday night for the first time. I am new to the book club and have only gone once, but no one else could host this month and I figured it would be better to get it out of the way, because the fall is always really busy. So I offered to host it and I spent a lot of the week cleaning up the downstairs and thinking about what to serve for dinner. But then Friday afternoon rolled around and I started melting down. The space wasn’t clean enough. My meal plan was incomplete. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get everything done before 5pm on Saturday.

Luckily my husband was willing and able to take the dinner planning and most of the prep off my place. If he hadn’t done that I might of had to cancel. I spent most of Saturday spiraling, wondering why I can’t host a simple meal for what ended up only being four people total (one got covid and the other cancelled because she was tired). Everything about hosting feels beyond my capabilities – getting the house clean enough, preparing food people actually want to eat. I’m horrible at the two skills our culture values most in women. And it’s not like I didn’t see my parents hosting all throughout my childhood. My mom’s house is always spotless and they are incredible in the kitchen. Someone how I just didn’t end up picking up either skill from them.

I wanted to come here after thinking more about it and have something insightful to say. But I don’t. I still feel shitty that I’m such a horrible host. I don’t feel as bad as I did for accepting so much help from my husband though. At least I got over that part.

I’m also fighting feelings of inadequacy about being a master teacher this year. I know I’m a good teacher, but my student teacher is a native Spanish speaker and I am not. And while I’m more than fluent enough to teach the low level language required in my classes, I have lost some of my higher level language capabilities over the years, because I just don’t use it enough in regular conversations with native speakers. And frankly, my Spanish proficiency at this point, is the result of me jettisoning goals I held for a long time to take a Sabbitical and live somewhere Spanish-speaking for at least one school year while me kids were young. So yeah, I’m having to face those feeling of inadequacy as well, which frankly sucks. I’m going to have to do a lot of soul searching this year as I wrestle with expectations that I set for myself. I don’t know if I’m up for the job.

On a similarly negative note, our cat, the one who caused so much trouble this summer, can now jump on all the kitchen counters. He used to only jump on the island, so we could prep food on the very limited counter space without worry. Now he jumps on to every counter, and the top of the fridge. I even found him walking the edge of the stove top, which is obviously incredibly dangerous. I have to admit, it’s leaving me feeling pretty demoralized. I love this cat, but he’s making my life impossible! I really don’t know what to do, other than locking him out of the kitchen most of the time. If anyone has any tips for crazy cats who want to be on the counters no matter the situation, I’d love to hear them.

Both kids had their well visits this morning. They are both very tall, and they are even catching up in the weight department. The flu vaccine wasn’t ready yet so they didn’t get those (bummer!) but the pediatrician had checked with the pharmacy about filling my daughter’s ADHD meds and they were finally getting them in today, so she cancelled the request I put in last week at another pharmacy and put in a request there. AND I JUST GOT THE TEXT THAT THEY FILLED IT! I’ve been trying to get her meds filled for six weeks but the shortage is so bad right now. Even after they changed her Rx I still couldn’t get it filled. I’m so relieved she can start school tomorrow with her medicine.

At home they both had to clean their rooms and organize their desks to play some video games (a special treat for the last day or summer). They both did a good job.

I finally took the shower curtain off the kitchen island and decided to oil and wax the wood block while it was clear. I don’t think we’ve ever oiled or waxed it in over 10 years and it really needed it.

After video games they were spinning their wheels a little anxiously so we walked to the library and got boba on the way home. One of the cats did something horrible in one of the boxes so I did the big clean on both of them.

I got the kids’ new backpacks out and they made their lunches. I washed the new clothes from Target and my daughter chose her outfit. They are ready to go!

And now I’m on the bus headed to the dojo. I am relieved to be out of the house and away from the kids for these final hours. I definitely need a break. Tomorrow I’m taking them both to school, then running some errands. I was going to go down to work but I think I’ll stay home and enjoy the final hours of my summer break there. Thursday I’m officially back on the clock.