Not a Wasted Word

We’re having BEAUTIFUL weather in San Francisco. It’s probably too hot everywhere else in the Bay Area right now, but it’s GORGEOUS in the city. I look forward to our two most beautiful months (September and October) all year, and I try hard to appreciate when they’re strutting their stuff.

Some stuff I’m doing to feel better this weekend:

• Sleeping in. I woke up this morning at 9am. That almost never happens these days, and I really, really enjoyed it.
• Putting stickers in my planner. I have actually been using a Simple Elephant planner since the beginning of the year, and last week I grabbed a little booklet of planner stickers from Grocery Outlet, hoping that they would inspire my daughter to use her planner more. Alas, she is still pretty disinterested, but I am loving them. (I shouldn’t be surprised, since I got myself the planner so we could fill then out together every night, and while she has abandoned hers, I’m still using mine).
• Reveling in the 1.5 hours I get in the house alone. I’m watching LuLaRich and putting together a project for school next week. And… eating unhealthy snacks and drinking a Limeade + fizzy water. I’m also writing this post! I SO RARELY get the house to myself. I try to revel in it when it happens.
• Going to the beach with my daughter. Well, I hope she’ll go with me. If she doesn’t want to, we’ll hang out in the backyard. As long as we’re outside, I’ll be happy.
• Swimming in a pool! Tomorrow we get to spend the day at my mom’s friend’s pool down on the peninsula. It’s usually too cold to swim at this time of year (the nightly temps dip so much that the water gets really cold), but she has a new solar cover and we’ve had some consistently warm weather down there this September, so we can get in one last swim day. My kids usually get to enjoy the pool with my parents when they spend the night, so I’m excited to get to go myself. We’re bringing some big floaties with us too.
• Picking up the house. This might seem less-than-fun, but the house has gotten to a place where cleaning up will make me happy. It’s getting more messy than I’d like, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but when I take the time to tackle it, I’m reminded that I can get it back to a pleasant place relatively quickly.
• Spending QT with my kids. My daughter and I will hang out today. Both kids will be with me at the pool (and they are SO EXCITED I’m coming). Next weekend they are spending a night with my parents so it’s important that we get some time to hang out this weekend. I’m trying to make it meaningful and memorable.

One of the reasons I told myself it was okay that we weren’t going, was that I needed a weekend to get caught up, both functionally and emotionally. So I’m trying to give myself some time and space to breathe, and also to get enough done so that next week feels easy (or at least easier). I think I’m doing a pretty decent job of that, and that makes me happy.

How are you spending this first October weekend?

Thanks for those who reached out on my last post. Writing helped, and made me feel better. I’ve also been busy, which helps as well. Mostly I’m over it, but if I start to dwell it’s not great. So I try to keep my mind occupied.,

There are a lot of reasons we aren’t going, and I suppose I wasn’t very clear about them. At this point it feels less clear, but if I really think about it I can remember.

• Our kids are not meeting with people inside, unmasked. We are trying not to have our kids meet inside, even masked right now, because it just feel unnecessary when our weather is almost always lovely (or at least not awful) and there is still a lot of light at the end of the day. If there were something really fun planned that required they be inside with masks on, of course we would let them, but we’re not planning those things right now. Our kids are seeing their friends at school, and other organized (outside) play dates and we’re not worried about how much socialization they are getting right now (they are getting plenty). Our son is participating in indoor, masked martial arts right now because we believe they are taking all the necessary steps to keep the space safe (tons of windows open, fans blowing, and air filters running always).
• We feel it’s important to be CONSISTENT in our messaging around what we’re doing right now. The kids know that being inside with masks on at school is okay because school is really important (ditto the dojo). The kids know they can see friends outside with masks on (or masks off if they stay far enough away from each other, but they’d rather just keep them on so they don’t have to think too hard about distance). I don’t really know how I’d explain to my daughter that for one weekend we can all just take off our masks and hang out together, when we haven’t had time to effectively isolate and test before hand.

Those are really the two most important points. We have decided on boundaries and we want to be consistent about those boundaries. With friends having different exposure levels at their different schools, and being in contact with so many different people in smaller, enclosed spaces, we just aren’t comfortable spending a long period, indoor, and unmasked with other unvaccinated kids. Once our kids are vaccinated we will have to figure out what we’re comfortable with. We have a long time until that happens though, so we aren’t thinking that much about it. (We assume we’ll be comfortable with A LOT more because if we’re not, then when will this ever feel better?)

At this point I’m okay with not going. I wish we weren’t missing out, but I’m not all that interested in the stress and exhaustion the whole weekend would create. Next week is conferences and the week after that I will be summoned to jury duty at least once day (I’m ALWAYS summoned during my week), and the week after that is my son’s birthday so yeah. A lot if coming up and I don’t need to start this month feeling exhausted and behind.

I would also feel like I were operating from a big deficit with my husband if I went away for a weekend (leaving him with our son), right after the weekend he was supposed to be away (but didn’t go to keep our family safe). The price of going is just really, really high. So even if I convinced myself that I could explain why that weekend we could disregard all our regular boundaries, there are other reasons not to go.

And yes I’m jealous it’s easier for them. I wish it were easier for me. But it’s not. And there is much in their lives that is harder than mine, and I’m glad they get to have some time away. I know they all really need it.

I’m realizing there is more at play in my feelings around all this. We’ve been back in school for seven weeks, and my friends and I have only gotten together once since then. We’re all just feeling overwhelmed and it’s taking us longer than expected to fall into our new routines. I’m remembering the special kind of burnout I get from being around kids all day at school, that makes me too exhausted to plan and execute get together with friends, but is not fulfilling socially. It’s actually a real stumbling block for me, and I don’t think I’ve ever figured out how to manage it.

When we were on zoom last year it was exhausting, but not in the same way it is now that I’m surrounded by people all day long. Last year I longed to get together with my friends because I was starved for connection. I don’t feel that same longing anymore, instead I just feel… tapped out. Teaching with masks on is odd because they are there and you are communicating but it’s not very satisfying because you can’t see their faces and you can’t even really hear them very well when they talk. It’s SO MUCH BETTER than zoom, especially from a teaching perspective, but there is still some of that detachment and disconnect. So there is still that “I’m with people ALL DAY LONG” but there isn’t that “AND IT’S SATISFYING!” But I suppose it never is, BECAUSE THEY ARE ADOLESCENTS and I’m their teacher. I have to be up at the front of the room, energized and animated behind my hot sweaty mask, and it’s exhausting. At the end of the week I just want to retreat to my house for 48 hours to recharge.

I need to start find ways to (or just making myself) get together with my friends more. I’m generally glad I did it afterward, even if before hand it feels like more than I can manage.

So yeah. I’m feeling better about it, mostly because I’m working hard not to think about it. They all leave this morning and hopefully I can keep it out of my mind, and then when they come back I can put it behind me.

{I’m realizing as I read over this that our friendships changed and grew substantially during the pandemic, so much so that I don’t actually have a past MO with them to fall back on. We’re not really sure what our group’s dynamic is going to be now that things are returning to normal, and our daughters are at different schools. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out. Maybe I’m stressed that I’m missing the first “trip” of our new normal, and I’m worried I’ll be left out moving forward because I can’t be there now. I have a long history of friendship insecurity so it’s not surprising that it’s rearing it’s ugly head now. Blerg. I guess I’d hoped at 40 I would past this stuff but I guess old (emotional and social) habits die hard.}

My friends, and their daughters, are going to a cabin this weekend. My daughter and I are not. There are a lot of reasons I decided not to go, but none of them feel very compelling now that the weekend is upon us. … Except that is not a fair statement because we could say we want to come today and they would gladly make room. And yet we’re still not going.

And I have a lot of feelings about it. None of them are good. It brings up a lot of sadness. And self-doubt. It opens old wounds, or at least irritates them. Mostly I just feel sad because I could really use a weekend away with my ladies, and I’m not getting that. And I feel left out because after spending so much time together during the pandemic, they will be making memories without me for the first time.

And I worry it’s the first of many times, because it’s happened to me before.

And layered on top of all my sadness is the guilt I feel about my daughter also missing out. At least she doesn’t know about it. But I do. And she’ll probably find out, eventually.

After college, my three best girl friends started traveling and I could never join. I never had the money or the time (they always went in October, a great month to travel and a terrible month for a teacher to take a week off). I was always sad to miss out, but relieved not to be spending thousands of dollars to fly half way across the world (they were ambitious about their vacations).

Eventually I had a messy falling out with one member of that group when I found out she shared things with the other two that she didn’t tell me (really big, really important things). After that friendship imploded, I had to step away from the group. They still communicate regularly, but I need to reach out to the other two individually, which is hard. Basically I lost a really important friend group, and it’s one of the great losses of my 30s. These were my roommates in college; my best girl friends. And it seems like I can track our demise back to vacations they started taking without me.

{Thought I know, rationally, it is WAY more complicated than that.}

I feel very grateful that my friends are in similar financial situations to my own and never try to plan trips I can’t afford, but it’s much easier for all of them to take a day or two off to enjoy a longer weekend away. That is just really hard for me right now, and honestly all during the school year.

They are all still working from home (well except the nurse who has never worked from home), and getting tons done now that their kids are FINALLY back in school full time. Meanwhile my life looks totally different from last year. I have way less flexibility than they do now.

And they are all totally over the pandemic, while I’m still waiting for my kids to be vaccinated. And it’s hard because I know both points of view are valid. Getting together with very close friends in a meaningful way is absolutely worth the (low, for us right now as our numbers are way down) risk of contracting Covid and the very low chance the unvaccinated 11 year olds having bad outcomes. I don’t actually think they are being reckless or irresponsible. I just can’t mange the logistical nightmare of having one of my kids getting Covid, and the long, protracted quarantine that would result for that child, and also the other.

I also have my husband and son to consider. It feels like an especially shitty move to whisk our daughter away for a friend weekend, literally five days after the weekend he was supposed to go away with his friends. Leaving him with our son would just exacerbate that (he’s really difficult right now).

It just sucks and I’m sad about it and I thought I’d put it out there, because I know it’s a murky time in pandemic-decision-making-land right now and I thought other people might appreciate knowing they are not alone if they are making social decisions that feel like they suck now matter what.

I hate these feelings, and I really hope they go away next week. I just really hate feeling like this.

Both my kids ended up getting my cold. My daughter was home on Tuesday and Wednesday and my son out of school on Thursday and Friday. I felt under the weather for most of the week (the first cold you’ve had since the pandemic started doesn’t play), but since there were already multiple teachers out without coverage, I kept going to work and my husband covered the kids instead. He was able to work while our daughter was home, but had to take the day on Thursday when our son stayed home. On Friday my father graciously offered to watch our son at their house, because it was clear he wasn’t as sick as my daughter or I had been.

By the end of the week both my husband and I were totally wiped – me from working while I was sick all week and him for covering the kids while trying not to fall too far behind. My husband was supposed to be away at a music festival this week*, which really made the whole disruption harder to manage mentally and emotionally. Instead of getting a break with friends he was home with sick kids, wondering if he was going to get what everyone else had. It sucked, and I tried to give him as much support as I could while feeling like shit on a shoe myself.

And now it’s Monday and we need to start all over again with another week. Hopefully this week will be easier.

The weekend was definitely better. Both kids were on the mend and their tests had come back negative. When my inlaws decided not to take our son on Sunday as planned, I was able to organize a last minute trip to the zoo with a new friend from school, which he really enjoyed. His birthday is in less than a month, and the weeks leading up to his big day are always hard for him. This year is no exception, so I’m going to need to be really proactive about planning things on the weekends so he doesn’t have as much down time.

I have planned a small birthday party for him, and reserved a tee time, and cabaña hour for pizza and cake at a little mini gold spot he loves. He really wanted to go to Dave and Buster’s but we’ve told him we’re not going anywhere near that place until he’s vaccinated. There is nowhere I’d rather be less right now than in an enclosed box, that receives no sunlight and surely suffers from poor ventilation, touching a million video games that probably never even get wiped down. I’m already not a fan of Dave and Buster’s, so I don’t mind saying no during a pandemic. He’ll have plenty of opportunities to celebrate there later in life. And this year, two hours outside with friends before the time changes feels like the perfect compromise.

His actual birthday is on a Friday, when he has soccer practice in the late afternoon, so we’re planning on having pizza and cupcakes after that to celebrate with his team. This will help quell the feelings of guilt I have that we can’t invite more of his new friends to the smaller party.

Halloween costumes are also ordered, so I feel on top of all things October, at least for my family. And it’s nice to feel on top of something because in most areas of my life I feel woefully behind.

SHU’s recent posts have me thinking a lot about work, and how much time I spend doing it. As a teacher who has a ton of free reign to teach what and how I want, there are literally endless opportunities for me to spend time on work related tasks. At the same time, there is also almost no oversight; as long as my students have seen certain topics by the end of two years of my class, I’m pretty much golden. I set high standards for myself; I want to teach in ways I know are effective, especially since my students will be taught out of a textbook once they hit high school (not at all effective). It’s also hard to be realistic about what is necessary and what is too much when I’m kind of the only person I know teaching foreign language (what a sad realization!)

{I do have to make sure my class is popular enough to sustain student interest. If that is an indication of success, then I’m doing really well right now because I have more kids enrolled in Spanish than ever before. This is the first year I’ve taught all Spanish classes only at my school (I’m not longer teaching a class at the other middle school). So I guess I have that going for me. It can be hard not to get meaningful feedback from anyone, but I suppose having a ton of students (and/or their parents) wanting my class is it’s own feedback).

The program I’m using to provide comprehensible input is really good. It’s also super time consuming and energy intensive. The creators of the program insist it be used every day, but I never entertained the idea because I knew I didn’t have the stamina for that. Instead I use it about half the time, and fall back on other materials that give the students more work in class, while giving me more moments of down time during the school day. On language acquisition days I need to be engaging my students with Spanish they can understand for most of the period. On language learning days there are more “practice worksheets” and other activities they can do on their own, or in groups. Right now I’m doing more language acquisition with the one class I have for three periods, and less with the higher class I only have once. Next month that will switch. So I am trying to be strategic about managing my workload. But it’s still hard, and being the only foreign language teacher in my district, I struggle with perspective.

Right now I’m making it work, but it feels like a house of cards. Having said that, the house is still standing despite all the set backs we’ve encountered so far this fall. Maybe I’m more on top of things than I realize. The beginning of the school year always feels overwhelming. Everything takes more work because the kids are still learning procedures and every assignment requires copious amounts of direction and support. This year that is true even for the higher level class because they never met with me in person last year. I guess it makes sense that it all feels so energy intensive right now. Also, my 6th graders are meeting every day, not on an alternating A/B schedule, which is something I’ve NEVER done in 18 years of teaching. I’ve been surprised how long it’s taking me to find a rhythm that feels good with that class, but I suppose that is also understandable.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this. I guess I just wanted to articulate that it’s hard, but I also recognize that maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard? At the end of the day I need to have plans for 240 minutes worth of class time a week for each of my three distinct levels. Language acquisition is more time consuming before hand and during class. Language learning is always more time consuming during class than I think it will be (kids need more support than I anticipate) and more time consuming afterward (the work they do needs to be scored more carefully). I think the mix I’m using makes sense, but there may still be even more I could do to lighten my work load. Right now I’m using my time really wisely at school, and working at home pretty minimally. I’m way better at using downtime during the day to get meaningful tasks completed, which means I don’t fall behind as quickly. Maybe I need a straightforward goal. Maybe right now I will say that I will keep tweaking things until I only bring home 3-5 hours worth of work a week. Then, once I’ve achieved that, I can try to bring at home work time down to 1-2 hours a week. That would be pretty fantastic.

I also have to remember that my higher level class is working through new content this year, and that always requires more prep time. Maybe this year I have to accept that prep will take a little longer, knowing that next year it will be a lot easier (because the main prep work will be done, and I’ll only be tweaking things, which I’m always doing).

I also have to accept that the disruptions from kid sickness and close contact quarantines will throw me off and set me back. I am taking steps that will make it easier for me to be out at a moment’s notice, but there is nothing I can do to make bring the prep of being out down to zero.

I knew this year was going to be better, but not easier. Now I need to figure out I can make it more manageable, so that maybe some day it will be easier.

How is work for you these days? How has this second pandemic fall been treating you?

*He and his friends decided to cancel their trip because of how crazy community spread has been in the area of the South, where the festival was located. Three of the four friends have young children who can’t be vaccinated at home, and they decided it wasn’t worth the risk of bringing Covid home.

I ended up being able to come in for most of today. My test results were emailed to me by 8:30am, and I was down at work an hour later. I was relieved that colleagues did not have to cover for me, but frustrated that I spent three hours of my Sunday driving to work, and in my classroom, getting ready for coverage that I ultimately did not need (except for 1st period).

I guess I should have expected the Kaiser result to be back by early Monday morning, but I wasn’t sure if getting the test on a Saturday would push out the results. My kids usually end up going before noon on a weekday, and then I’ll get their results much later the next day, in the evening, so in the 24-36 hour range. I wasn’t sure if a Saturday afternoon (3:30pm) would push things back a little, which I guess they technically did. Moving forward I will know I can expect a Saturday test to be back relatively early on Monday (but it’s always stressful because they say to expect the results in 24-72 hours and I know people who have had to wait the 72 hours).

But honestly, it’s hard to plan for a sub when you aren’t in your classroom. Especially if they can’t just put on a movie, which is impossible in my room because I still don’t have a TV and getting my old school projector set up to show a movie is a little complicated. If my %$^&#@ TV were here (like it was supposed to be a month ago) I wouldn’t have had to come down. So yeah, I’m frustrated, but I’m glad it ended up like it did.

I do wish there were an expedited testing service for health care workers, teachers and others who need a negative test to return to work. Feeling confident that a test result would come back in 24 hours would be a game changer.

I will say that as someone who lives in one county and works in another, I’m continually confused by what testing sites are available to me. Getting tested in the city seems to be the easiest because I’m a resident of San Francisco and it’s easy to show that with my ID. It’s hard to prove that I work in San Mateo County (I need a printed recent pay stub) and even then, I’m not sure what county-wide sites would take me. My own district offers some limited testing, but only during certain hours during the school week. Living in SF but working in SMC definitely caused some (in the long run minor) delays in getting vaccinated. I guess it’s not surprising that it’s complicated testing too.

So today I’m at school (only 10 minutes left!) I kept the low-key sub plans so that today was pretty easier for me. I still don’t feel 100%, but I’m glad I’m not stuck at home on a technicality, when I feel well enough to be at school. Hopefully my own kids don’t get sick too, which would cause a lot more problems moving forward.

On Friday night my throat felt scratchy. I wondered if I’d wake up with a sore throat, but I assumed it was just exhaustion. I frequently feel, at the end of the day, that I’m coming down with something, only to wake up feeling fine. I was pretty sure it was just that.

Except when I woke up in the morning I did have a sore throat. And there was no doubt in my mind that it was a cold, and not allergies or over use from school. I immediately texted my principal to ask if I needed a negative PCR test to return to work, and she confirmed that I did. By 9am I was at a city-sponsored testing site, waiting in line. But when the woman came up and took my information by hand, instead of offering me the QR code to register, I worried the results wouldn’t come back very fast (there signs posted that said results could take up to 5 days, but I had assumed that was to temper expectations).

When I expressed my concerns to my husband he sent me the info for another city-run site nearby that opened at 10am, but when I arrived there was no testing site, only a Bike Rodeo run by the California Highway Patrol. After confirming that the testing site was not operating today (despite very clear messaging online that it should have been), I got into my car and cried. I felt like shit, but instead of resting at home I was driving all over the city trying to find a spot to get tested, in hopes of getting the results back before Monday morning. I knew there was already a teacher out with no sub on Monday, and the last thing I wanted to do was contribute to the sub shortage problem.

So I got on my Kaiser app to see if there were any appointments there. I was able to make an appointment at 3pm at a location across the city. I still won’t get the results back in time for my first three classes on Monday morning, but maybe I can be down there for the afternoon, and I will definitely get them back before Tuesday. I did get some BinaxNOW rapid tests and took one at home. It came back negative, which provided some piece of mind, but honestly, the whole situation has been so stressful. If normal cold symptoms require a negative test to return to work, teachers are going to be out all the time. I was lucky that I woke up with symptoms on a Saturday, so I should only miss one day waiting for my results. If someone starts noticing symptoms on a Tuesday afternoon, they could be out for the rest of the week just waiting for results. Teachers are going to be out constantly, and we have fewer subs than ever before to cover for them.

I’m creating the most low key sub plans ever imaginable, because I know my colleagues will be covering my classes for me. I’m going down later today to set everything up. On Friday we were short FIVE subs. The principal of the other middle school AND the superintendent came over to cover classes at our school. It was incredibly stressful. I was happy to be able to help by combining a small 6th grade class with my own small 6th grade class, but I don’t want to do that stuff regularly. And if our regular subs are staying away because of possible Covid exposure, I don’t know how they will find enough people interested in applying.

I guess it’s just going to be a really hard year for teachers and parents, and exponentially so for people who are dealing with the volatility of missing school for possible exposures, symptoms, and quarantines as both a teacher and parent. I suppose there is nothing to do about it except take it as it comes. And have some super easy sub plans in my back pocket.

There has always been a sub shortage in our district, but this year it’s REALLY BAD. Every day we are asked to cover a colleague’s class because there is no sub to cover for them.

Covering a class really sucks. Not only do you lose your prep time, and your one break that is over 30 minutes long, but you also have to go into another classroom and teach a lesson you are not familiar with to kids you may not even know. It is no bueno.

I’ve haven’t been stepping up to take classes because my prep is the only thing making bedtime before midnight a possiblity. I especially hate taking an extra class on Fridays because I don’t get a prep on Thursdays (it’s the odd-period block day and my prep is on an even period), so I’m especially starved for some productive time in my classroom that day. I HATE Thursdays, and the idea of making Friday another Thursday is NOT appealing to me. Of course Friday is the day when coverage is most needed.

Tomorrow they are THREE subs short, so EVERY period requires three different people covering different classes. I still couldn’t bring myself to give up my prep, but I did offer to take one teacher’s 6th period class and combine it with my 6th period class and figure something out. Both are relatively small so I’ll only have 40 kids. I’ll be trying to get them outside if possible.

One of the hardest things about being a teacher is how difficult it is to be gone. I can’t think of another profession where coverage is as complicated. Sure, there are tons of jobs where you need to find another person to cover when someone cannot come in, but you don’t generally need to have a detailed breakdown of exactly what needs to happen during five 55 minutes period to give that person. In most professions that require a warm body take the place of someone who is out, that warm body can generally figure it out (because they know how to be a nurse or a bus driver or a retail worker, etc). But for in teaching it’s a lot harder. Even if you don’t care how they fill the 55 minutes, they still need to keep those kids occupied.

My fear of being out for an extended period of time is the main reason I’m taking so many covid precautions at this point in the pandemic. My friends are spending the weekend at a cabin in October and I would honestly go, except I’m so fearful of my daughter getting sick and all of us being stuck at home for weeks that I can’t bring myself to do it. A 6th grader (who cannot be vaccinated yet) in my class is stuck at home until 10/6 at the earliest because their sibling has covid. With two unvaccinated kids at home, the quarantining from a positive case could takes WEEKS to resolve. I absolutely cannot manage that. It’s one thing to negotiate who is staying home when one of our kids is identified as a close contact, it’s quite another to manage the long quarantine period a positive case would require. And so we continue to take precautions that others might deem unnecessary, because even a regular illness would be really hard to manage right now, and a positive covid test would be a massive disruption.

It’s really stressful. And I’m really tired. And it feels like there is no end in sight. I just need things to ease up a little. But they won’t, not for a while.

All I can say is TGIF! For real.

We’re four weeks into the school year and we’re starting to find a rhythm. Even though I still have way too much work to do in the time allotted, this week feels more manageable than past weeks, and we even enjoyed a busy weekend without me feeling like it screwed me for the rest of the week.

For some reason, this week things just feel better. This week is just a good week. And the reason might ultimately be… one I have absolutely no control over.

I mentioned a little while ago that I was spiraling at the beginning of the school year. I vague blogged about it then because I expected to write more about it soon after. Of course the school year revved into full gear, I quickly felt totally overwhelmed, and blogging was pushed to the (way, way, waaaay) back burner.

So here I am trying to circle back to a topic I barely alluded to almost a month ago. And doing a piss poor job of it. I guess there isn’t an eloquent way to say it so I’ll just type it out.

The reason I was spiraling in mid August was because I realized I am officially in perimenopause. Since late June I’ve been having my period every two weeks. The ablation kept any menstrual bleeding away for about a year, but then I started noticing my cycles again. It was always a very light affair – mostly just some sustained spotting – which was the point of the ablation. I can’t wear tampons because of prolapse, and I wanted to be able to swim even if I were having my period, and I can technically still do that, so I guess it’s fine. But when you’re having your period every two weeks, even three days of spotting starts to get old. When I got my period again in mid August, two weeks after I’d gotten it in early August (and in mid July and early July and mid June), I kind of lost my shit. I also started to recognize the nights when I woke up really warm, and needed to shed all the blankets for 15 minutes before I could get back under the sheets and fall asleep, was a new kind of night wake up. And the kicker… I realized that I felt very unwell, mentally and emotionally.

When I lined it all up, it was so obvious what was happening, but I’ve been so distracted by Covid and the start of school that I honestly did not realize until it was not just staring me in the face, but repeatedly poking my nose.

And then I kind of freaked out. Not because I’m only 41 and experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, but because I was so mentally unstable that I felt more like the me of my mid-20s than the me of the last five years. The me of my mid-20s was a mental health DISASTER. I NEVER want to be that woman EVER AGAIN. And the thought of falling back into that terrified me.

When I was trying to have a second child, my RE warned me that I would probably experience menopause in my early 40s. I’ve been waiting for it, but I have to admit, I didn’t expect it to start quite so soon. I only just turned 41 in July, so I am VERY MUCH in my early 40s. But I guess diminished ovarian reserve doesn’t play. If, at 32 I had the ovarian reserve of most women in their mid 40s, it’s not surprising my body is already readying itself for the next stage.

I’ve been worried about it because my mom had a rough time with her (difficult and protracted) experience of perimenopause. I remember it being pretty awful for her: my stoic mom who always seemed to float above the fray was suddenly at the mercy of internal forces she couldn’t control. We have very similar reproductive histories so I’ve always assumed I’d have a hard time of it as well.

Luckily, most of my friends are 5-10 years older than me and many of them have been able to share their experiences and offer their commiseration. Even more luckily, Captain Awkward recommended this book, which had just been published, and which I ordered literally immediately. (It’s amazing and I highly recommend it.)

On Monday I saw my OBGYN; I was due for a pap smear, and wanting to talk about my concerns finally spurred me to make the appointment. Unfortunately I had to add a endometrial biopsy to the order because any bleeding that occurs inside of a two week window is considered “abnormal” and checking for precancerous cells is the “standard of care.” So on Monday, after my pap smear, I had to undergo a truly painful procedure that left me curled up cramping for the rest of the night. It certainly doesn’t portend Western medicine’s help in the coming months and years.

And that’s fine. Western medicine has rarely provided solutions for my specific reproductive woes, and I didn’t expect it to be of much help here. I started taking a women’s multivitamin and a B-complex along with my daily Magnesium pill. Right now I’m alternating the days I take the multivitamin and the B-complex because they both have lots of Vitamin-B6 and B12. About four weeks in, I think it’s helping. My mood seems more stable. It might be the placebo effect – and I’m fine if it is – but some weeks are definitely better than others so we’ll see.

It’s crazy to me how much more manageable this week feels when really nothing has changed. I guess I just need to really appreciate these weeks moving forward, and give myself more grace when I feel totally overwhelmed. My cycle has also stretched some since I started taking them, which isn’t surprising. B-vitamins helped me stretch my normal 20-21 day cycle to 26 days when I was trying to conceive. I don’t think I would have gotten pregnant without regular old vitamin supplements. Vitamin B supplements are known for helping mood anyway, and I’ve been meaning to take them again, but the good ones are expensive and it was always easier to put off buying a bottle. Now I have a renewed interest in laying down my credit card.

So yeah, that is one of the things I’ve been dealing with during the last month, along with all the normal insanity of starting school, and the increased anxiety of returning to in person learning, with unvaccinated kids at home, during a deadly wave of the pandemic. It’s been a lot, and I’m just taking it one day at a time, trying to prioritize sleep even when I need to get work done, trying to educate my husband about something I don’t know nearly enough about.

I want to write more, but this is all the time I’ve got, and I’m going to set this to publish because otherwise it will never go up. If you have any advice on weathering this massive change please send it my way!

This past weekend was just what we needed to reset after the insanity of last week. We got some QT with our kids, some QT without our kids (so very needed) and some general down time. I definitely feel better going into this week than I have any since we started school (it being a four day week certainly helps).

As things settle down, I’m trying to figure out how to return to certain aspects of our lives. Martial arts has been sorely neglected, especially by me, and I’m trying to figure out which classes work best with my schedule. I’m also trying to figure out when to get my son to the dojo, which is especially complicated now that he plays soccer. He’s never had a second activity vying for his time, and I have to admit, I’m struggling with it.

I’m also struggling to show up here. I have an hour – 9 to 10pm – to myself between the kids’ bedtime and my own. So far I have been loathe to spend that time in this space. Usually I need to get some work done. Or at least I should. But even when I don’t have to do something, I don’t generally want to do this. Mostly I don’t want to do anything at all. I feel perpetually behind at work, but I’m hoping I’ll fall into a rhythm and I’ll feel more on top of it all soon. Maybe if everything else feels more manageable, this space will feel more manageable too.

The news cycle is dire these days. I mean, it has been for what feels like forever. I guess I hoped things would calm down, but they don’t. But maybe new cycles are built that way, to always make everything seem catastrophic. Things these days really do seem to be catastrophic though… I don’t know. It’s hard to just keep reading about it and then going through life as if it’s not happening.

I’m feeling really adrift lately. My friend group is socializing in ways we don’t feel comfortable with and I feel like I’m being left behind. I know I’m mostly “telling myself stories” about what is happening, but I also know some of the stories are true. I’m so bad at being the one to drive meaningful interactions forward… if they are doing that with each other in other spaces, I’m bound to get left behind. For the first time in a really long time I had something I’ve wanted forever. It was so amazing while it lasted, and it’s really sad to watch it change into something else. Maybe it will go back to how it was some day, or maybe I can keep a small piece of it going.

I’m not sure what the end game is anymore. I mean yes, my kids getting vaccinated will take a huge weight off, but will it really change much in our day to day lives? We’ll still all be wearing masks all day. We’ll still be quarantining when there is a close contact. How long do those measures stay in place? When will it finally feel like we’re coming out of this? Will we let our kids see their friends inside after they are vaccinated? That would be something to look forward to at least.

I just need to keep taking things one day at a time, but planning at least a week out. That is the current game plan.

Back to School Night went fine. honestly I’m not sure how it went (I can never tell how it goes), but it’s over and that is all that matters.

I was at school for 13 hours today. When I finally got home it was to a house that had been without power for over 6 hours. My poor husband. He has had quite a week.

The power is still out. It was projected to come back on at 10pm, but that was back at 2pm when it went out and there haven’t been any updates since then. We’re worried it won’t come back until much later.

We have a set of lanterns and plenty of batteries. Our little travel battery happened to be charged. I picked up Chinese food on the way home.

I know people go without power for a days at a time. I know we’re lucky that an outage like this is rare for us. But it still sucks. We don’t even know why our power is out. We probably never will know.

I still need to finish my sub plans and send them to my school. Thank goodness for hot spots.

Tomorrow I’m taking the day so my husband can get some work done. I’m taking my son to get tested in the morning, but otherwise we have nothing planned. He has a giant packet of work slog through. I want to get him outside at some point. I hate Thursdays, and after such a long day today, I’m not sad to miss work tomorrow. And I’m very relieved I can give my husband a break. Luck sure isn’t offering him any.

My kids can’t fall asleep so I’m being called. I hope tomorrow is better.

UPDATE: The power came on at 9:56pm! Woot!

UPDATED #2: I got my sub plans done at 11:03pm! Double woot! (The staggering amount of work required to miss just one day of school is mind boggling.)