This is all I’ve got for today, but I promise my next post is worth the wait.
What is my problem?
I’m handling pretty much everything really poorly right now. I don’t know what my problem is but my mood is shit and I can’t seem to get out of a negative head space. It was really bad last week and then I got my period and it seemed to get better, but now it’s bad again. It’s like the littlest derivation from my “plan” puts me out of whack and then in a major funk. (To be fair, the air quality crisis has totally destroyed many long-in-the-works plans, including a PTA event last night that was definitely going to raise $600 if not more – which is a lot of money for our school.) But still, people have lost everything. Please have lost their lives. I definitely need some perspective!
I don’t know what is going on but I wish I could figure it out. I feel like I need some QT with a good therapist who can ask me the right questions and then decipher my answers. Left to my own devices I am useless.
But finding a good therapist is hard and then finding the time and money to see one is harder. I’ve had so many therapists that weren’t a good fit over the years, it’s hard to motivate now to look into one.
So I guess I’ll just keep chugging away at life, hoping that the shitty feeling will alleviate. I’m sure it will, eventually.
And maybe I can attempt a little introspection as I wait. Maybe writing for 30 minutes every morning will help me land on something of substance. Maybe I can even find some prompts that will help me uncover that little something that is making my life chafe so bad right now.
Smoke Day
Most (maybe all?) the school districts in the Bay Area are closed today due to poor air quality.
I know this sounds like a fun day off, but it’s the last day of my trimester and three of my classes were supposed to take a test, which I was supposed to grade and enter over the break so it would be reflected in the first trimester report cards. Now I have to give the tests on Monday, after the kids have been gone for over a week, and somehow grade and enter them that night so they will make it onto the report cards. I’m so angry at myself for scheduling the test on the last day.
We’ve been stuck inside despite beautiful weather for a week. I had plans to take my kids and their friends to Muir Woods next Tuesday, which will probably be cancelled.
I guess this is the new normal.
Auntie Me
Tomorrow I get to meet my nephew for the first time.
He is my only nephew, and will be my only nephew. My sister will not have kids, and my sister-in-law doesn’t plan to have any more, so he is my only chance to be an aunt. I’m very thankful for that chance.
I am excited! I’m also realizing it’s been a loooooong time since I hung out with a baby under one. Even my cousins’ kids are all toddlers by now. I think I might be a little nervous. My son is only five, but four years is a long time…
{Reconfiguring the car seat to face backwards and fit a 9-month-old was such a pain in the ass! – I’m so glad I’m done with rear-facing car seats!}
They are only in town for a couple days, so we won’t see them much, but they’ll be back for Christmas, and I’m really excited for that.
I have a really great relationship with many of my aunts, so I’m really excited to have a special relationship with my nephew. I can’t wait to meet him, and hug him and snuggle him! (And then give him back to his mom when it’s that time!)
Red Sun Over San Francisco
A week after the Camp Fire started the air quality is still really bad in the Bay Area.
It feels like this is our new normal.
Chilly
September and October are always warm months in the Bay Area. And after the foggy, windy summer the 70-degree days are welcome. But by mid-November I’m always ready to put away my T-shirts and pull out my warmer clothes. This year is no different.
It finally got colder here a couple of weeks ago. At least at night it’s getting cold. We put the fleece blankets on the beds and we wear slippers when we get up in the mornings.
This past weekend it started feeling really cold in the house, even during the day. We want to turn on the heat but with the unhealthy air quality we haven’t been able to open the windows and blow out the dust from the ducts.
Our house is in the mid-50s at night now and it’s hard to get up in the morning. I remember when our heat was busted and we spent an entire winter without it. We must have been so cold! I’m glad it’s fixed now, and I can’t wait until the air quality gets better and we can turn it on. We are so, so lucky to have heat.
Lust for Stuff
My desire to buy things is crazy these days. I want to buy all the things. I don’t need any of the things, but I want to buy them. A few of them cost a lot. I want those things the most.
I tell myself no. I shut down the page in my browser. But I can’t stop thinking about the things. I go re-open the page. Look at the stuff. Lust after the stuff. I give myself a thousand reasons I don’t need to buy the stuff. I agree with those reasons. I shut down the page. Then I think about the reasons why I could buy the stuff. Then I reopen the page. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
The obsession is real. I try so hard to stop thinking about these things but it’s like my brain is on some endless loop. Like my brain is a dvd menu that plays a minute and 15 seconds of music before stopping with a brief skip and then starting again.
I try to distract myself, to think about other things. But if I don’t give into the compulsion it is so hard to move on. SO HARD. It takes me maybe a week to get over something that I’m thinking about obsessively. And even then, the desire is still there, it’s just not all encompassing. If I start thinking about it again for even five minutes, I can reignite the full force of the obsession.
I’m trying to shift my energy and attention elsewhere. I read a book. Or play solitaire. Or clean out a cluttered space. I open a folder of photos to mark the ones I’ll use in this year’s calendar. I stand in front of my armoire (oh what I’d do for a real honest-to-gawd closet) and touch every piece of clothing to remind myself that I don’t need more. I organize my books to remind myself that I have plenty to read. I organize my jewelry to remind myself how many necklaces I never wear. I organize my shoes to remind myself that I could go over a week without wearing the same pair. I do all the things I’m supposed to do, but the wanting doesn’t go away.
I try to think about what hole inside me my subconscious is trying to fill. Do I want a piece of jewelry to mark my 5/10/13 anniversary because I feel like something is missing in my marriage? Do I want new shoes to feel more professional at work? Am I just in a funk and want the shine of new stuff to distract me for a moment? I try to puzzle out the compulsions but I never land on a realization that makes them dissipate.
I try to remind myself of my long term goals, the ones that require a significant sum in my savings. But they all feel so far away, and so impossible to achieve, that it doesn’t help.
This doesn’t seem normal. I don’t think most people deal with this kind of lust for new stuff. I don’t know. I can’t figure it out and it’s driving me crazy. I just want to stop wanting stuff. How can I make myself move on when my thoughts seem wound in an endless loop?
I am 38-years-old, but I feel like a petulant child when it comes to stuff. I just want to get over it, but I honestly don’t know how. We have a big car payment that requires we have money in the bank each month. I can’t be getting this stuff. Why isn’t that enough to shut me down?
Screen Time
I discovered the Screen Time app on my phone last night. I saw it by accident, as I scrolled past the gray boxes that show up when you (accidentally) right swipe (for me it’s always accidentally). I didn’t even know the app existed. It must be part of the new iOS.
Evidently I had been on my phone over 5 hours that day. I’d unlocked it 98 times. I’d played just 8 minutes shy of TWO HOURS of Solitaire. I’d read posts in Feedly for 58 minutes.
It was terrifying to see all those numbers there, in black and white, a record of my dependence on my phone. I wonder if it will change the way I use it, knowing that it’s creating a record of my usage.
Today I was on my phone for just under 3 hours. I didn’t play any Solitaire, but I did read posts in Feedly for 52 minutes, and I unlocked it 61 times.
I haven’t decided if I’ll set any goals around phone usage now. If I wanted to, I’d probably get one of those apps that locks me out of other apps if I’ve surpassed some pre-set allowance, because I don’t think I’d be able to limit the usage myself. I’ll definitely keep checking out Screen Time every night, and decide what to do with the data once I’ve reviewed it over a longer period of time.
How much do you look at your phone? Do you check the Screen Time app?
Alarms off
I very much appreciate that tomorrow is a day off. I just turned off my weekday alarms, which means I might be able to sleep until 6:30am. How exquisite.
Yes, a three day weekend, and then a four day week, is very much appreciated. It’s just what I need right now.
Shelter in Place
The air quality in the Bay Area has been so bad these past two days that we aren’t supposed to be outside. At my school this protocol is called Shelter in Place.
I can’t believe that yet another community has been destroyed by fire in Northern California – this time over 7,000 homes; the Camp Fire is the most destructive fire in California’s history.
My heart goes out to everyone who has lost everything, and to those who have lost loved ones.
I really hope it rains this year.