Not a Wasted Word

January has not been a great month for me. I’ve felt fussy and out of sorts. I was experiencing some symptoms (chest tenderness, bloating/weight gain, GI issues, grumpiness) that I was attributing to holiday weight gain, but that I realized around mid-month was probably hormonal. My hormone fluctuations are so random these days it always takes me a while I realize that is probably what is making me miserable, and this bout especially was so long that I needed several weeks of feeling out of sorts to realize what was happening.

Then my brain started breaking. It started with some small stuff, but culminated in a few days of really incredible mishaps, of increasing severity.

First I went to book club on Sunday, at my good friend’s sister-in-law’s house. I was excited to go, because I always heard so much about her daughter’s cousins (her daughter and my daughter are good friends), and I was pleased to finally put faces to names. So when I went over, I eagerly met both girls and chatted with them a bit. Later, the sister-in-law’s husband came in and I barely nodded at him from my seat on the sofa. It was only later, when I got home, that I realized that the sister-in-law’s husband was my friend’s brother! Who I have been wanting to meet for two years! How did I not make that connection when I was there? Or before hand? I am so mad at myself for the missed opportunity, but also concerned that I didn’t even make that connection until several hours later.

The next day at work I spent all this time writing the names of students who had missing work and therefore couldn’t pick their seats, only to get out into the hallway and start calling names to a dumbfounded class that didn’t recognize them. I had done all that work for a class much later in the day! That may seem like an innocent enough mistake, but I have never done anything like that in 20 years of teaching. I was so sure I was looking at the right class.

Then, that afternoon I got home and did something horrifying. I pulled the car into the driveway and got out, leaving my car door open with my phone still plugged in. I walked up to the front door (the gate was open in case of a delivery) and tried three times to get my work key to fit in the deadbolt. Of course it didn’t because it was my work key, but as I was doing it the third time, I absentmindedly pulled the gate shut, locking myself into the tiny space between the gate and the front door. I immediately realized what I had done and started ringing the doorbell, thanking god my husband was home. But my husband didn’t come to the door. After frantically ringing it a bunch of time in a row, my phone started ringing. Since it was in the car, still plugged into the speakers, the ringtone was super loud. I just kept ringing the bell and my phone kept ringing on the car speakers and I kept being locked in the entryway. After about three excruciating minutes of this, a guy walked by and it was all I could do not to reach out between the bars and grab him. I did call after him and begged him to reach into my car and get my keys, which he did, at which point I was able to unlock the front door and get into the house.

That last one really shook me. Looking back I was so cognizant of the fact that the key wasn’t fitting in the lock. Why would I pull the gate close? I never do that! If my husband hadn’t been home, or no one had walked by, I could have been stuck in there for a long time. It could have been very, very bad. (And yes, I know the gate should have a latch on the inside. Several people have informed us that it’s a fire hazard to not have a latch on the inside of the gate – we’ve always just kept a key hanging INSIDE the front door to open the gate in case our electricity goes out in a fire. Getting the latch installed (which will probably require totally replacing the gate) is something I’ll be looking into fixing now.)

Anyway, it’s been really upsetting to watch myself do such dumb shit, over and over. I’m worried I’m going to lose something important, like misplace my passport on my trip in two weeks, or worse, cause an accident that affects others. I’ve read a lot about perimenopause affecting cognition, and I’m assuming (hoping!) that that is what’s going on. I feel like I spend my life about to make mistakes like these and now that hormonal fluctuations are affecting my cognition, I’m being pushed past my self-created safe guards and dropping all the balls. It’s not a great place to be.

Worry about mental decline has definitely not helped improve my already fragile mood. I’ve just been low lately, struggling to meet the salty adolescent attitudes all around me with patience and grace. It’s hard not to let everyone else’s bad moods bring down my own. I’m just struggling to self-regulate.

I’m also reading Building a Second Brain and realizing that.. I don’t have any real reason to save resources in this way? Can I really be that boring? Do I have no projects that require I save interesting articles to come back to them? I’m honestly struggling to recognize how I could use this system in my own life. I feel like all my bookmarks are for things I want to go back and buy later. And when they are articles I could return to later, I don’t have any real reason to highlight the article and keep a summary for later. Maybe I could write a blog post about them later, but I rarely even do that these days. It’s just making me feel like my life is incredibly boring, like I don’t use my brain to create anything anymore, I just solve problems with stuff and move on with my life.

Oh, and so much for a break in the rain. The 10 day forecast is bumming me out, hard.

But not all is bad at the end of this month. My house looks AMAZING after the house cleaner came. I didn’t even realize how dingy it looked until that layer was removed. I can’t stop staring at my floors! She comes again the day we leave for our trip, and then we’ll have to decide if we want her to return once a month. I don’t think we could afford more than that, at least not while my son is in the $$$ aftercare. And honestly, I think I could keep the house fairly clean in the weeks between, and let the cleaning lady really get at the floors, the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom when she’s here once a month.

That is assuming we can make $300/month work at all. With the way were spending money right now, I’m not sure we can prioritize a cleaning person over other things right now. (These two cleanings are my Christmas present from my mom)

I also love my new vegan leather jacket from Gap. And it was only $35! (Clearance and then an additional 40% off!) A jacket like this can be hard to find, and the fact that I got a new one for so little, and on my first try, is making me unreasonably happy. I’m trying to take the small wins when I can.

Tomorrow is the first day of February. And it has 29 days! That is novel, at least. I think February will be a much better month than January was. Especially if this hormonal fluctuation evens out, and my brain starts working again.

Saturday morning I realized that this weekend was one of only three until we leave for Mexico City. We’ve done so much work, and the house looks really good, but there are still a few big tasks to finish and I haven’t done any work on the house in a while.

So this weekend I started doing stuff again.

I cleaned off some surfaces in the garage. They are right by the door so a lot of random stuff gets thrown on them, and I’m always looking at them and their mess when I come in and out of the house.

I replaced two door knobs and fixed the latch on the front door so now it catches all the time instead of just 25% of the time. The door knobs were high on my list because they required very specific handling to function properly, and if they these doors aren’t closed properly the cats can get into the garage, or escape outside. We definitely don’t want the grandparents to have to deal with AWOL cats, but I had never replaced door knobs and wasn’t sure I could do it. Turns out they really are quite easy to install. I was pleasantly surprised.

I swept the area behind the gate and pulled out all the weeds growing in the sidewalk, so the neighborhood dogs won’t pee (as much) on our house.

I took all the towels out of the hall closet wire basket drawers and organized them. That was a real pain point for me; clean towels never fit in them anymore, so I’d shove them in and then they wouldn’t close. It was frustrating.

I cleaned the freezer, which was truly disgusting. I even unscrewed the bottom and lifted it enough to get all the gross junk under the grates. I did not get to the fridge yet, but I plan to do that next weekend.

Oh, and a bonus task was sewing four patches on my son’s karate gi’s. you may remember that looking for the patches with our last name was part of what prompted me to start this decluttering project. I finally found them in one of the many junk drawers (one I’m sure I checked before!) so it was nice to get them on his new tops this weekend. I also ordered some new fun patches for the backs and arms.

Tomorrow the cleaning lady comes. I’m weirdly nervous about it. I hope the house is ready enough for her to get a lot done. I’m curious to see what it looks like when she’s done; no one has cleaned my house since before the pandemic. It could really use a professional’s touch.

There are still a few big things I need to accomplish before my in-laws stay here, but I got enough done this weekend that I’m feeling good about things again. It was nice to take a couple weeks off from this project, but we leave in less than three weeks, so it’s definitely crunch time. I know I can get it all done, but I have to keep working.

What can I say? I like short, succinct lists!

Five things I’m glad are over

• This work week. Seriously, it was a doozy.
• Family visits. I love seeing people, but don’t love always being busy.
• The rain. I’m sure there will be more, but right now it’s only forecast for Wednesday of next week.
• Uncertainty about my classes being covered on Monday. Why is it such a pain in my ass to not be in my classroom?! What other job is like this?! I’ve been stressing about it all week!
• Work until Monday. Did I already mention this one? Well, I’m doubly glad because work this week sucked.

Five things I spent $-$$ on this week.

• Korean face cleansing oil. It was buy three, get $30 off at Costco, so I bought three. ($)
• A New vegan leather jacket from Gap. I realized mine was fraying badly last weekend and want one for my MXDF trip, so when I found one on sale at Gap for a very decent price I ordered one. Two actually, because I wasn’t sure of size. I also got my daughter some cargo sweatpants. Because I’m nice like that. ($)
• Roll8+ deep tissue massager. My thighs are always tight and sore now, and I finally decided my comfort was worth some relief. ($$)
• A new Gi for my son. His dobok pants were halfway to his knees. It was time. ($)
• Random groceries. How does one just “pop in” to grab “a few things” three times in a week and spend $50+ each time?! ($$)

Five things I spent $$$-$$$$$ on this week.

• Flights to St. Louis – Chicago – home this summer. We got the hacker fair on three different airlines and it was still so much. ($$$$)
• Daughter’s away-camp this summer. It’s her first one! ($ now, $$$ later)
• Daughter’s flight to DC. She gets to go with three friends (and not her mom), because she is THE LUCKIEST. $$$
• A 5-day reservation at the KOA this summer. I’m taking my son and his 3-4 10yo friends. I’ll let you know the size and shape of my Best Mother Ever trophy when I ceremoniously accept it. ($ now, $$$ later)
• Our plumbing work and new bathroom floor. The credit card bill came due. Money was moved. ($$$$$)

Five things I’m currently looking forward to (near term)

• Finishing Take My Hand. Interesting premise but was not for me. I’m finishing it at x1.8 and I can’t be done with it soon enough. (Our book club meets tomorrow, so if I don’t finish by then I don’t have to.)
• The cleaning woman coming Monday. My kitchen floors are deplorable. Also, I haven’t had anyone clean my house since before the pandemic.
• Not seeing my classroom, or students, for two days. Seriously. This week at work almost broke me.
• Waking up at 8am or later! It’s been since last Saturday! I need to sleep past 6am this weekend!
• Having a drink tonight, and again tomorrow. Or two. Maybe 2.5. I really need to just sit on my couch with a home-made margarita.

Five things I’m looking forward to (long term)

• Trip to Mexico City. It’s three weeks away! We’ll be alone, without our kids, eating and drinking and sight seeing. I can’t wait.
• Camping in Joshua Tree. We’re going over spring break. I’m still not a super enthusiastic camper but I’m so excited to check these “must visit” spots off my list.
• Daughter’s 8th grade promotion. By then we’ll know what high school she’s going to. I’m so proud of all she’s accomplished these past three years.
• Trip to St. Louis + Chicago. The +Chicago part just got added and I’m really excited to visit the city again, and with a friend who is from there! Woot!
• Summer in general. We have a lot of fun stuff planned and I just a lot of money on many of those plans, so I’m starting to get excited.

I refuse to start this with the same old “gah! I’m so behind” line because it’s so tiresome, except I am and I guess I just did.

But I am trying! Really am!

Friday afternoon I checked the dojo shift app and saw no one had approved my shift request to assist so I retracted it. I spent that time scoring packets and I’m so glad I did because that was the last I did for work all weekend.

Friday evening I deep cleaned my son’s room and vacuumed the living rooms within an inch of their lives. I think it worked because my sister never seemed to have a horrible allergy attack.

I was struck again with how little prep I needed to get the house presentable for my sister on Saturday and my parents on Sunday (they watched the kids for us Sunday night). I hope I can keep this level of tidiness up.

Both comedy shows on Saturday were great. I laughed very hard. My husband and I saw The State: Hits and Misses and then ate amazing pizza in North Beach between shows. Then my husband took our car home and my parents showed up in theirs and my sister met us in the line for the second show: Celebrity Autobiography. Both shows really were great.

After said show my parents dropped my sister and me at my house where we picked up my husband for dinner. The 10yo was wirh his other grandparents that night, and the 13yo was staying home alone. We went to one of my favorite nearby restaurants, which was recently written up in the New York Times! It was super yummy. Then we hit up a brand new bar that has some really interesting and unique cocktails. It was the only time I got to spend with my sister alone (well, without our parents) and it was a really fun night.

Sunday morning I had to wake up at 6 AM to get my daughter up and out the door and to her school by 7 AM for a robotics competition. It was brutal, but she was a really good sport about it. I was annoyed to get up so early on a weekend, but was also so relieved that I didn’t have to spend all day at the competition. (We all decided she would do better without either one us there.)

I tried to fall back asleep when I got home, but of course it didn’t happen. I still didn’t get out of bed until around 9 AM and then puttered around the house. My husband went to pick up our son around noon, and I got to stay home and work out. In the afternoon I met up with my sister at Japantown to do a little shopping. I brought my son so my husband could get a break, and because he LOVES Japantown.

By the time we got back from Japantown, my parents were already at the house. Our daughter was dropped off then too. My husband and I ate and then headed out the door to see a final comedy show. This one was comedians talking over and making fun of Fast X. I haven’t really seen any of the Fast and Furious movies, except Hobbes and Shaw, which I also saw with comedians making fun of it. I have to admit, Fast X is a crazy action movie. The stunt sequences are bonkerballs. The comedians had a lot to work with as far as poking fun at the acting and story lines, but we all appreciated the nuts car chases and fight scenes.

On the way home, my husband and I ran for, and caught, three different modes of public transportation, and made it from the middle of Chinatown back to our house on the south side of the city in a record breaking 28 minutes. It was an epic public transportation miracle, and also we can run really fast.

We got home pretty late and had some prep work to do for the rest of the week. My parents had left after the 10yo went to bed but the 13yo put herself to bed early too; she was zonked from the robotics competition.

My husband and I were in bed by 11pm, which felt like another miracle. We were commenting that so many moving parts needed to come together for the weekend to work, but they did and it was really fun, if a little exhausting.

My sister flew home Monday evening and now it’s back to normal life. Well, at least for four weeks until my husband and I head to Mexico City for our anniversary trip. Now that the house is in reasonable shape, and it’s a month away, I’m starting to get excited.

Of course I have to get through four weeks of work first…

Five things I’m looking forward to this weekend:

1. The State Comedy Show (SFSketchFest) Saturday morning
2. Celebrity Autobiography (SFSketchFest) Saturday afternoon
3. Dinner and drinks with my sister and husband Saturday evening
4. Some downtime on Sunday
5. Doug Benson Interrupts (SFSketchFest) Sunday evening

Five things I’m not looking forward to this weekend:

1. Assisting at the dojo tonight (I just have way too much to do, but it was the best Friday to do it for a number of other reasons)
2. Prepping to welcome a new class of 6th graders on Monday (we’re switching at the “semester” even though we’re a trimester school). I am not a fan of switching classes mid-year like this. Boo.
3. All the rain forecast for this busy weekend
4. Waking up at 6am on Sunday morning to get my daughter to school for her Robotics Competition
5. Being with people ALL DAY Saturday. Everything is going to be so fun, and I’m also going to be exhausted by the end of it. I wish it weren’t all right in a row.

Five things I have to do this weekend:

1. So much laundry, even though I’ll barely be home to do it.
2. Two workouts (still not sure when I’m going to fit one in on Saturday, I might do one late night Friday instead).
3. Deep cleaning my son’s room so my sister won’t have an allergy attack when she sleeps there Saturday.
4. A lot of grading and prep work on Sunday.
5. Plan next week. It’s going to be busy!

Five things I don’t have to do this weekend (because I already did!):

1. Pick up the house before my sister comes (because it’s still picked up!)
2. Cut the cats’ nails and do a big clean on their litter box. Both horrible, thankless tasks.
3. Make/freeze lunch pancakes (I almost punted this last weekend but I’m SO GLAD I DIDN’T!)
4. Update my grade books because I stayed up late doing it last night!
5. Input missing packets in grade book so kids are reminded to finish them at home (doing this during my prep today)

Five things I’m reading/listening to:

1. Under the Influence (a podcast about influencers, which I read about in Momfluenced, which Sarah mentioned and I LOVED).
2. Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (listening on Boundless). I like this, but can’t seem to binge it.
3. Take My Hand (listening on Libby) this is for book club and I’m not loving it. I just upped the speed to x1.5 for the first time in my life.
4. Vértigo Horizontal (Spanish print book). I was gifted this a while back and am finally getting to it because it’s about Mexico City, and I’m going there in four weeks! Eek!
5. Building a Second Brain (library print copy). Both SHU and Kae mentioned they read this so I put it on my holds list. I’m only just starting it. He certainly is promising a lot!

Ugh. Again, it feels like I’m swimming against the current. And every day I get home and feel brain dead. The idea of writing here is not one I can embrace, if I even consider it.

But. But! The weekend was okay. Good even? My parents’ anniversary dinner was very much appreciated. I think they felt loved and celebrated and that was all we were hoping for. Also the food was AMAZING. We went to Nari in Japantown and did the chef’s tasting menu. The food was incredible and abundant and not even the pouring rain could put a damper on the evening.

And Saturday was that kind of day where the Tetris pieces all fit. I cleaned the house in the morning. Went to Sparring and High Belt at the dojo while my son had a friend over. Then I got home and had exactly enough time to take them for an hour of bowling before my parents came to pick me up for dinner. I LOVE when shit fits perfectly like that.

Sunday was something… but I can’t remember what. What was it? Maybe it will come to me. Oh I remember! Dinner at my parents’ house with two close family friends. That was really nice. I haven’t seen either of them in a while, so I appreciated the time with them. Oh! And my husband, son and I walked to Whole Foods just to get out in sun after being stuck inside all Saturday. We also grabbed lunch at his favorite walk-up burger spot and got snow cones on the walk back.

Monday the whole family met up with my parents and sister for a hike. We felt a little constrained in where we could hike because of all the rain last week so we settled on spot on the peninsula between their house and ours, with a paved path. It was a nice walk, with some good views and everyone enjoyed it.

The forecast last Friday didn’t show a single “partly cloudy” icon for 10 days, it was all clouds and rain, but we’ve been getting some nice sun. I’m glad because my sister always craves it when she visits in January – London is pretty dark and damp this time of year.

I have more to say, but it’s Thursday and I have no prep and it’s going to be a doozy. So I must sign off. Hopefully this weekend I can write more. If not I’ll see you next week.

This was a week. Nothing particularly bad about it, but I was just never where I wanted to be at work. Not having internet on campus today did NOT help things, but luckily I had stayed up late the night before to score the oodles of late work that came streaming in when students returned from the break, AND since I was up late I saw the email warning of the internet outage so I was able to download some materials I needed before I got to work. Also I was able to hotspot service to my computer every once in a while – usually don’t get ANY cell service at work without WiFi – so it was the best possible no-internet scenario.

But I really didn’t like how it felt to come into work without having done anything over the break. I think it would have been fine if I’d gotten more done the week before the break, but I was covering someone else during my preps that whole week, and I just wasn’t really thinking ahead like I usually do. I think I need to either work really hard the last week so that I’m ready to come back when I walk out of my classroom, or spend a day or a couple of afternoons during my break to get ready. I just hate feeling so underwater, on top of just dealing with how hard it is to get back to the daily grind.

But there is no real time to wallow in the failures of this past week (especially now that I’ve identified what I want to do differently). Instead, some thoughts about what is coming up.

It’s actually kind of a big weekend for me. It’s my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary today! My sister came into town (from London) last night, so she’s here for this special day and my mom’s birthday (the 16th). Tomorrow we’re taking them to a very nice restaurant in the city. When I made the reservation (many months ago), there was a question about if it was a special occasion and I marked “Anniversary” and yesterday they texted asking me for the anniversary couple’s names. I’m excited to see what they are going to do for them.

My sister and I looked into French Laundry and some other super high end, super well known restaurants in the area, but in the end we decided we couldn’t afford $300 a person (before drinks, health care add-ons, and gratuity) so my husband helped me find something more in our price range. I definitely have some feelings about the fact that I couldn’t spring for something REALLY impressive, especially after I learned my cousin is throwing a big surprise 50th anniversary party for my aunt and uncle later this month (it honestly never occurred to me to do that either!), but I’m trying to be kind to myself. We are taking them out somewhere nice and I know they will appreciate it. It’s okay to not be where I expected to be at this point in my life. We’re comfortable and financially secure and that’s better than a lot of people our age can say. I just hope my parents feel celebrated.

My sister being in town is actually kind of stressful for me, but I’m trying to let any anxious thoughts or feelings pass without grasping at them too much. My sister and I aren’t especially close, and she can have hard-to-meet expectations. My SIL’s somewhat disastrous (for her and my ILs, nothing that involved us) recent trip is not helping, but I’m reminding myself that their experience has no bearing on ours.

The good news is that we already have some fun things planned, so I know I’m going to share experiences with her that should be positive. We have dinner tomorrow night, then another dinner (with family friends) at my parents’ house Sunday night. Monday we plan on taking a hike with my kids for my mom’s birthday (she’s not super interested in seeing my kids, so doing something she likes while seeing them will help) which should be nice because being outside and moving our bodies is built in. The following weekend we’re seeing an SFSketchFest show with our parents (my Xmas present to all of them). I think if she and I can just do one other thing together, without our parents, we’ll both feel satisfied.

It’s hard for me when my I have to negotiate more-than-normal obligations with my first family, and also find the time to make sure my current family’s needs are being met. Sometimes it can feel like my own needs have to be pushed aside. I’m trying to ask for a couple moments here and there and am already getting some push back. It doesn’t help that my husband isn’t feeling great and now I’m also starting to feel twinges in my throat and ears. The last thing I need right now is to get sick. I have been taking Umcka and Airborne so hopefully it won’t hit me super hard. And if I need to ask for time, and manage sulky, pouty behavior to get it, I will do that. My husband is doing a TON of work-adjacent (for his career, but not required/reimbursed by his current employer) trips this spring so I will be reminding him of that frequently.

And I think that may be all I got right now. Hopefully after this weekend I’ll be feeling better.

I am ALL OVER THE PLACE right now. It’s been hard to get my bearings since the winter break. So here are some ping pong thoughts on all manner of things bouncing around in my head right now.

The final weekend of the break was nice. I took my son to the Pinball Museum in Alameda on Saturday because it was raining and I knew neither he nor I could just stay home all day. We had a nice time. We played a lot of two player games, and he never got mad when he didn’t win (or as he wasn’t winning). He really is getting so much more mature; some activities that used to be tortuous with him are quite enjoyable these days. We also finished Jon Scalzi’s Starter Villain and started Jon Scalzi’s The Kaiju Preservation Society, which relates nicely to Monarch, which we’re watching as a family on AppleTV+. We’re excited for the new Japanese Godzilla movie.

Sunday both kids came with me to the Great Highway to ride bikes while I ran. That was really nice. We all kind of did our own thing, and we all appreciated being outside. The 13yo is VERY 13 right now, so I was super pleased that she came and seemed to enjoy being outside. They didn’t even bicker during the car rides.

There was plenty of bickering at home though. By Sunday my kids had achieved the impossible: I was almost excited to return to work the next day! After two weeks of SO MUCH QT, I think we were all ready to get away from each other for a significant portion of each day.

I didn’t do ANY work over the break. I didn’t even open my work email (I actually moved the Gmail app, which I use exclusively for work email, into a random folder so I wouldn’t click on it out of habit). I figured this was okay because we had a Professional Development day on Monday 1/8 and I could do the bare minimum during those meetings to get through the first day back with students. I was also able to stop by my classroom on Monday morning to turn my Chromecart on and check on copies (which I made before I left). And it was, for the most part, fine. But I spent much of Tuesday realizing that I needed to do an every growing list of things, and many of them require some time and effort. So yeah, I guess not doing any work during the break was a mistake. Not shocking. The question then is, what is the correct balance of working during a break so that coming back is not a disaster, but also giving myself the time to really turn off my work brain? I have no idea and predict I’ll spend my whole life trying unsuccessfully to figure it out.

On a totally related note, I’ve been really struggling to plan for work this week. It’s like I can’t jump start my brain, it just keeps revving but not actually turning over. I sat with both planners (last year’s and this year’s) for over an hour on Monday and all I really had to do was copy last year’s plans onto this year’s week and I couldn’t seem to do it. I really hope my brain starts working again soon. It’s been a lot harder to get back into the swing of things since the break. Maybe because I did no work for two whole weeks? Aack! So now I have to not only worry about not getting concrete things done, but also not being able to access my brain in the right way when I get back!

Tuesday’s snowballing list of “work shit I did not do over break” got so big that I ended up not going to the dojo like I planned that afternoon. I didn’t even bring my son for his class. Instead I stayed late in my classroom prepping for the rest of the week. Then I ran an errand on the way home. It was the right move, but I was disappointed. I’m going to try to go today.

I also spent quite a bit of time putting everything back into the downstairs bathroom, WHICH IS FINALLY DONE! All the stuff sitting all over my bedroom was driving me crazy so I was really excited to put it all away. (You know when you start cleaning up one area and then all the still-messy areas bother you more? That feeling multiplied by varying amounts of my bathroom being strewn all over my bedroom for almost two months). I also really love the new tile. Now I just need to replace the handheld shower head (it can’t handle our water pressure and sprays water all over the wall behind it) and the bathroom will be done! I’m so happy with it. The downstairs bathroom has always been on of my favorite rooms and I’m so glad that is still the case.

The house is starting to look good. Like visibly, on a daily basis. There are no longer bags lying around with stuff I still need to work through (I’VE CLEARED THE BAGS! HOORAY!). And when there is clutter left over from the day I know where most of it goes, so I put it away! It’s not done, to be sure. We still have a lot of work to do in the kitchen (pantry needs to be purged and the fridge and freezer need to be cleaned, badly), but the living rooms are in nice shape.

And yet, I could still do more. So now I have to start deciding… to what end? Where do I stop? And if I’ve decided that I’m done purging and organizing, what goals will I set for myself moving forward. Do I want the common living spaces to look pristine before I go to bed? Do I want things more clean now that I clearing them off doesn’t take as long? In the past I’ve found that keeping the house in REALLY good shape takes a dedicated 30-45 minutes every night. I usually don’t find that time commitment worth it, and start to backslide. If I’m only going to spend 10-15 minutes a night, how and where do I focus that energy? A messy house doesn’t really stress me house on a daily basis, it’s more that I hate feeling like I don’t want to host because the work required to make my house guest-worthy is too much to contemplate. So I’m really not sure where we’re going to land on this project, but I am super pleased with the progress we’ve made.

It’s been pretty cold lately (for us, which comparatively I understand is not cold at all). We keep our thermostat pretty low (63* when people are in the house – 58* at night) and only turn the heat on downstairs to triage when it feels freezing. That means it can get as low as 52* downstairs at night! I put flannel sheets on all the beds and switched out or light comforter for a super warm blanket (we also use a weighted blanket), but it’s still pretty chilly at night. Last night I kept my warm socks on while I slept! When I first put the warm bedding on I was way too hot at night, but now I’m wondering if I should add another blanket. Or just sleep in a sweatshirt.

And… I should probably get back to doing work. It’s my long prep and tomorrow I have no prep, and lots needs to be ready for a day with four block periods and no breaks. I was hoping that writing this would help quiet my brain, but it doesn’t seem to have done the trick. We shall see.

How are is your brain doing post-holidays? How do you balance prepping for your return and the need for rest during a break from work?

The winter break is almost over. This weekend we have to do all our regular weekend chores, like lots of laundry and making lunches. We’re all starting to think about heading back to school.

But it was a good break. Here are five highlights from our two weeks off.

1. Camping clean up

The camping trip was a lot of fun and we’re almost done unpacking it. My son and I hung up the tent earlier this week and my husband and I got it folded down enough to fit in the bag. The sleeping bags are in plastic bags (to prevent mildew) in the shed. We just need to take the batteries out of the flashlights and later an and repack the camping box. We’re just going to keep everything in there and throw it into the car again next time.

2. Grass Valley with best friends

My daughter and I got back from camping on Friday afternoon, I did six loads of laundry that evening and then we repacked for two nights in Grass Valley with our besties. My daughter has four best friends and their moms are my best friends and we met with them in the middle of their stay in Grass Valley. We played games and laughed so hard and had a dance off and laughed SO HARD. It was a great trip and I was so glad we got to go. It was a ton of fun. I feel so lucky to be a part of this group. I am endlessly thankful for all of them. .

3. Family visiting

My husband sister and her two kids were in town for most of the break, but because of camping and Grass Valley we only had a week to see them. We met them at playgrounds and rode Muni trains with them (my nephew LOVES transportation). I went to the Discovery Museum with them today and it was a lot of fun. It was also exhausting. I am so glad we are done with that little-kid phase (they are 4 and almost 6); I do not miss it.

I used to go to the Discovery Museum all the time with my own kids and I remember how haggard I always felt when I left. I felt that way today! My nephew and I spent forever piling tanbark onto a vertical conveyor belt thing and turning the wheel to move it upwards. It was so boring.

I’m so glad I don’t have to spend whole days that way anymore. Also, my own kids were AMAZING with their little cousins. They don’t have a ton of experience playing with such young kids, but they really showed up for their cousins, who idolize them.

4. Dave & Busters

As I decluttered some drawers I found a gift card to Dave & Busters that my parents gifted my son LAST Christmas. Wednesday is half-off games day so I took both kids for a couple hours. We weren’t the only ones who had that idea and it was pretty crowded, but they had a good time. I sat at a table and ordered a soda and plowed through Organized Living, which was overdue at the library. It was pretty hilarious to see me sitting in that chaotic building with a book about minimalism and beautiful living spaces.

I had to read the rest of the book pretty quickly, so I skipped the vignettes about the designers and just read the Tips and Tricks pages. I got some good ideas! And the kids had a lot of fun playing the games and getting enough tickets to get one good prize each.

5. Continued Decluttering

I kept up my decluttering efforts this past week. I got all the office supplies and even the random junk drawers organized. (I FOUND THE NAME PATCHES!) And then I used a couple ideas from Organized Living to tackle the hallway closet and a couple of pain points in the kitchen. I ordered a couple things from Amazon while I was at Dave & Busters, and they came today.

Of course sometimes you don’t need to buy anything new to organize. This box (that the four tool boxes came in!) fits all my Costco and IKEA bags perfectly. I use these bags to do laundry and I am so pleased they all fit so perfectly in this random box. They used to take up an entire shelf and were always tangled up with each other.

And in the kitchen I got a magnetic shelf with a hanging paper towel rack. Our old paper towel holder couldn’t manage the giant Costco paper towel rolls and was always getting moved around the kitchen (or knocked off the island by the cat). Also, the coffee prep stuff was always on the counter, needing to be moved when we wiped it down. Now it all lives in the side of the refrigerator.

Today I scheduled a cleaning lady to come on January 29th for a first visit and then again on February 16th, the day we leave for Mexico City, so the house will be clean when my in-laws stay here. It will be clean, and dare I say it organized! I am so pleased it’s actually coming together. I feel like I’m coming at some old problems with new solutions, and am feeling hopefully that they just might work!

Honestly, this break has been fine. Better than fine! We’ve had a nice balance of time together, time with extended family, time with friends, and time by ourselves. There have been no crises (I was remembering my friend’s mental health crisis that dominated last year’s winter break – I’m so glad I’m not dealing with anything like that this year). No one is sick. It’s been a good couple of weeks. And yet I feel like I’m swimming in anxiety, that I’m not getting any rest. I’m trying to figure out why I’m struggling so much, but I can’t quite figure it out.

There is definitely my house, which needs more work. A lot more work. It’s easy to think mid-February is a ways a way, but I know it will be here before I’m ready for it. And while I’d love to feel less stress about getting it ready, I also know that I need that stress to spur me to actually do the work. If I weren’t stressed I wouldn’t engage with, what is for me, the very unpleasant exercise of going through years of junk and making the hard decisions about what to keep and what to toss, and then how to organize what is left. These are not my strengths and the only way I’m going to engage in work like this is if doing so alleviates an even more unpleasant feeling – the stress of knowing it still needs to be done.

I think work is also causing me stress. Whenever I consider thinking about it, or getting started on it, I stop, telling myself I can get what I need to done on Monday, our professional development day. This year has definitely been challenging and while I complained a fair amount about the prep time my student teacher was using, I also recognize how helpful she was in my classes, especially in the multilevel class and with my newcomers in the period after that. It’s going to be really hard to serve all my students’ needs without her in my classroom.

I think I need to find a way to just not care so much about work in general. I had to wake up today, on my break, at 7am to go to jury duty because the idea of spending a week of work not knowing if I’d have to take one or more sub days felt more stressful than burning a day or two of my break doing something I absolutely hate. And now I missing out on taking my niece and nephew to the Discovery Museum, because today was the day we were going to go. But it’s hard not to care about my job and still do all the hard work required for it. And it’s especially hard to give myself permission to not be at work when there are no subs. A colleague was out earlier this month for two days of jury duty and we all had to cover for him. I hate doing that for other people and I hate asking other people to do it for me.

And…

I wrote all that this morning and not long after I was excused from jury duty. I didn’t even get called into the courtroom! I was one of only 20 people who just randomly didn’t get called. I was so happy. When she said all our names and then told us we could go, I stood up with my hands in the air and whooped. I was so relieved.

And just like that my anxiety evaporated. I guess all this break I’ve been stressed about jury duty, and not knowing if or when I’d be called and then if I’d be able to get out of it. I just hate that kind of uncertainty, the idea that something could come in and hijack my life without me having any say.

Obviously I need to work on accepting uncertainty. Because even when there isn’t something like jury duty threatening to pull the rug out from under me, it could always happen without any warning.

When I got home today I went for a run im the sun. Tomorrow I get to take my niece and nephew to the Discovery Museum (they moved around their plans so we could go). I’m feeling so much better about the last days of my break.

It’s nice to have that feeling of control, even if it just a mirage.